Tweet Messages Page 7

  • Why You Need Insurance by Justin Case
  • Why accountants don't read novels? Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.
  • Why are Canadians given only a half hour for lunch? They don't want to have to retrain them.
  • Why are Cats such good singers? Because they're very mewsical.
  • Why are Saturday and Sunday so strong? Because the rest are weekdays.
  • Why are astronauts successful people? Because they always go up in the world!
  • Why are bananas never lonely? Because they hang around in bunches.
  • Why are bats blind? Well, your eyesight wouldn't be too good if you hung upside down all day would it?
  • Why are chorus girls like barge horses? They have to tow the line!
  • Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
  • Why are elephants no good at Net surfing? Because they're scared of the mouse.
  • Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists? The rest are hunt'n peckers.
  • Why are oranges like bells? You can peel (peal) both of them.
  • Why are parents boring? Because they're groan-ups.
  • Why are pigs such early risers? Did you ever try to shut off a rooster?
  • Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
  • Why are there so many songs for Christmas but barely any for all the other holidays?
  • Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
  • Why are women such bad drivers? Because there is no road between the bedroom and the bathroom.
  • Why are you stuffing all that Easter candy into your mouth? Because it doesn't taste as good if I stuff it in my ears.
  • Why aren't burgers too good at basketball? Too many turnovers!
  • Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space? Because there is no atmosphere!
  • Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?
  • Why can't I tie a tie and untie a tie like Kantie can.
  • Why can't blondes be pharmacists? Because they can't figure out how to fit the bottle in the typewriter.
  • Why can't blondes take coffee breaks? They're too hard to re-train.
  • Why can't life's problems hit us when we're 17 and know everything?
  • Why can't meteorologists forecast the weather? -They are too busy studying comets and meteors
  • Why can't there be a Santa Pig? Pigs don't fit in chimneys.
  • Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
  • Why cant I update my picture , CUH! I mean I am topless and everything
  • Why couldn't prehistoric man send birthday cards? The stamps kept falling off the rocks!
  • Why couldn't the Gorilla pitcher make it in the major leagues? His balk was worse than his bite!
  • Why couldn't the cow leave the farm? She was pasteurized!
  • Why couldn't the pig pay his bill? He was a little shoat.
  • Why couldn't the skeleton pay his bus fare? Because he was skint.
  • Why did Dracula go to the orthodontist? He wanted to improve his bite.
  • Why did Dracula miss lunch? Because he didn't fancy the stake.
  • Why did Eve want to move to New York? She fell for the Big Apple!
  • Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants? He heard the snow blower coming.
  • Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
  • Why did God create a man before a women? You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
  • Why did God invent economists? So accountants could have someone to laugh at.
  • Why did Henry VIII have so many wives? He liked to chop and change!
  • Why did I want to win? because I didn't want to lose! -Max Schmelling
  • Why did a man's pet vulture not make a sound for five years? It was stuffed.
  • Why did some snakes disobey Noah when he said Go forth and multiply? They couldn't, they were adders!
  • Why did the Aggie think the weatherman got the sunny forecast wrong? -The Aggie drove through a car wash
  • Why did the Easter Bunny have to fire the duck? Because he kept quacking all the eggs!
  • Why did the Irishman buy two tickets to the zoo? One to get in and one to get out.
  • Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey on Thanksgiving? They couldn't get the moose in the oven!
  • Why did the Romans build straight roads? So their soldiers didn't go around the bend!
  • Why did the University of Oklahoma researcher stay awake every night? He was trying to find a cure for insomnia.
  • Why did the actor fire his Gorilla agent? The big Ape kept wanting to take more than a 10% bite!
  • Why did the ant-elope? Nobody gnu!
  • Why did the artist put on a show of horse paintings? He wanted to mount an exhibit!
  • Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!
  • Why did the bank robber take a bath? So he could make a clean getaway.
  • Why did the bed spread? Because it saw the pillow slip.
  • Why did the biscuit cry? Because its mother had been a wafer so long.
  • Why did the blonde call the welfare office? She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
  • Why did the blonde cross the road? I don't know. Neither did she!
  • Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering? The noise gave her a headache.
  • Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice carton? It said concentrate on it!
  • Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? She didn't want to wake the sleeping tablets!
  • Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday? Because people kept toasting him!
  • Why did the boy jump up and down on the letter? He heard that you have to stamp letters or the post office won't send them.
  • Why did the boy take the ruler to bed? He wanted to see how long he slept.
  • Why did the burglar take a shower? He wanted to make a clean getaway
  • Why did the bus stop? Because it saw the zebra crossing.
  • Why did the cannibal live on his own? He was fed up with other people.
  • Why did the cat cross the road? It was the chicken's day off.
  • Why did the cat put the letter M into the fridge? Because it turns ice into mice!
  • Why did the chick disappoint his mother? He wasn't what he was cracked up to be!
  • Why did the chicken cross the net? It wanted to get to the other site!
  • Why did the chicken cross the road half way? He wanted to lay it on the line!
  • Why did the chicken walk on the telephone wire? She wanted to lay it on the line!
  • Why did the condom cross the road? Because it was pissed off.
  • Why did the cow jump over the moon? To get to the Milky Way!
  • Why did the cowboy ride his horse? Because the horse was too heavy to carry.
  • Why did the cowboy's car stop? It had Injun (engine) trouble.
  • Why did the dentist make a poor date with the manicurist? Because they fought both tooth and nail!
  • Why did the dinosaur walk on two legs? To give the ants a chance.
  • Why did the dog mistake the dog catcher for a grape? He was colour-blind.
  • Why did the dog wear white sneakers? Because his boots were at the menders!
  • Why did the dog's owner think his dog was a great mathematician? When he asked the dog what six minus six was, the dog said nothing.
  • Why did the dolphin feel crabby? Because he ate too many crabs!
  • Why did the elephant cross the road? Because the chicken was having a day off!
  • Why did the elephant eat the candle? For light refreshment!
  • Why did the elephant jump in the lake when it began to rain? To stop getting wet!
  • Why did the farmer feed money to his cow? He wanted rich milk!
  • Why did the fat monster put a candle on his tummy? He was celebrating his girthday!
  • Why did the firefly keep stealing things? What goes snap, crackle and pop? A firefly with a short circuit!
  • Why did the ghost go to the funfair. He wanted to go on the rollerghoster.
  • Why did the girl Gorilla, engaged to the invisible man, call off the wedding? Because in the last analysis she just couldn't see it!
  • Why did the horse stir his cereal with his hoof? Because he wanted to feel his oats!
  • Why did the kid punch the bed? His mother told him to hit the hay.
  • Why did the kid put his clock in the oven. He wanted to have a hot time.
  • Why did the lady go out doors with her purse open? Because she expected some change in the weather.
  • Why did the litter of communist kittens become capitalists? Because they finally opened their eyes.
  • Why did the little pig hide the soap? He heard the farmer yell, Hogwash!
  • Why did the man call his horse Fleabag? Because he was often scratched!
  • Why did the mexicans fight so hard for the alamo? They wanted 4 clean walls to spray paint.
  • Why did the monster dye her hair yellow? To see if blondes have more fun.
  • Why did the monster paint himself in rainbow colors? Because he wanted to hide in the crayon box.
  • Why did the monster put the cake in the freezer? Because he had been told to ice it.
  • Why did the monster take a dead man for a drive in his car? Because he was a car-case.
  • Why did the moron give the sleepy cow a hammer? He wanted her to hit the hay!
  • Why did the nutty kid throw butter out of the window? He wanted to see a butterfly.
  • Why did the pig run away from the pig sty? He felt that the other pigs were taking him for grunted.
  • Why did the pig send his story to New York? He wanted to be published on Pork Avenue.
  • Why did the piglets get in trouble in their stained glass class? They stained it with mud.
  • Why did the python do national service? He was coiled up!
  • Why did the rabbit cross the road? Because the chicken had his Easter eggs!
  • Why did the rabbit have trouble hopping? Because he always kept one foot in his pocket for good luck!
  • Why did the skunk buy four boxes of tissues? Because he had a stinking cold!
  • Why did the tadpole feel lonely? Because he was newt to the area!
  • Why did the teacher decide to become an electrician? To get a bit of light relief.
  • Why did the termite eat a sofa and two chairs? It had a suite tooth.
  • Why did the thoughtful father buy his six children a dachshund? He wanted a dog they could all pet at once.
  • Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn't chicken
  • Why did the two boa constrictors get married? Because they had a crush on each other! sna
  • Why did the vampire baby stop having baby food? He wanted something to get his teeth into.
  • Why did the vampire go to hospital? He wanted his ghoulstones removed.
  • Why did the vampire have pedestrian eyes? They looked both ways before they crossed.
  • Why did the viper want to become a python? He got the coiling.
  • Why did the witch go to the psychiatrist? Because she thought everybody loved her.
  • Why did the witch wear a green felt pointed hat? So she could walk across snooker tables without being seen.
  • Why did you drive the lawn mower over your Easter basket? I thought the plastic grass was growing too high!
  • Why did you drop the baby? Well, Mrs Smith said he was a bonny bouncing baby, so I wanted to see if he did.
  • Why did you hit your birthday cake with a hammer? Because you said it was pound cake!
  • Why did your brother give up his job in the biscuit factory? Because he went crackers.
  • Why didn't Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer's heart? Because even Cupid can't hit a target that small!
  • Why didn't the chicken skeleton cross the road? Because he didn't have enough guts
  • Why didn't the elephant like to play cards in the jungle? Because there were too many cheetahs.
  • Why didn't the female frog lay eggs? Because her husband spawned her affections!
  • Why do Apes love to go to school in bad neighbourhoods? They like any jungle - even a blackboard jungle!
  • Why do I have to get married? I didn't do anything wrong.
  • Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? It's easier to run with your kilt up than your pants down!
  • Why do aardvarks like to talk to ants? They can stick to the subject!
  • Why do aardvarks make undesirable neighbors? Because they always have their noses in other people's business!
  • Why do artists never win when they play football? They keep drawing!
  • Why do bald-headed men never use keys? Because they've lost their locks.
  • Why do barbers make good drivers? Because they know all the short cuts.
  • Why do bees have sticky hair? Beacuse of the honey combs!
  • Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? "Toe goes in first".
  • Why do cannibals make suitcases out of people's heads? Because they're headcases.
  • Why do cats chase birds? For a lark!
  • Why do computer teachers never get sick? Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away.
  • Why do cows like being told jokes? Because they like being amoosed!
  • Why do cows wear bells around their necks? Because their horns don't work.
  • Why do dogs bury bones in the ground? Because you can't bury them in trees!
  • Why do dogs run in circles? Because its hard to run in squares!
  • Why do dogs turn around three times before lying down? One good turn deserves another.
  • Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out forest fires!
  • Why do elephants have trunks? Because they've no pockets to put things in!
  • Why do elephants live in the jungle? Because it's out of the high rent district.
  • Why do elephants squirt water through their noses? If they squirted it through their tails, it'd be very difficult to aim.
  • Why do firemen wear red suspenders? To keep their pants up.
  • Why do folks from Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more? .... 17 and under are not admitted.
  • Why do men act like idiots? Who says they're acting?
  • Why do men die before their wives? - They want to.
  • Why do men have nipples?
  • Why do men masturbate? It's sex with someone they love.
  • Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!
  • Why do mice need oiling? Because they squeak!
  • Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days? Because then the children have to play inside.
  • Why do pens get sent to prison? To do long sentences!
  • Why do people beat their clocks? To kill time.
  • Why do people dislike going to the dentist? Because he is boring.
  • Why do people go to bed? Because the bed won't come to them.
  • Why do people keep junk in their garage, whilethey put things that worth thousands of dollars out on the driveway?
  • Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
  • Why do people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older ... they were cramming for their finals!
  • Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
  • Why do pigs have flat snouts? From running in to trees.
  • Why do pigs like February 14th? They get lots of Valenswines.
  • Why do polo bears like bald men? Because they have a great, white, bear place!
  • Why do postmen carry letters? Because the letters can't go anywhere by themselves.
  • Why do rabbits go to the beauty parlor? For hare care.
  • Why do raindrops like lightning at night? -So they can see where they are going
  • Why do rednecks act like such morons? ' Who says they're acting?
  • Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be baygulls (bagels, get it? ).
  • Why do so many old people eat at cafeterias?
  • Why do teachers use a bamboo cane? Because when the cane goes 'bam' the child goes boo!
  • Why do the Gorillas like Jimmy Carter? They don't really know - but they're NUTS about him!
  • Why do the elephants have short tails? Because they can't remember long stories!
  • Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
  • Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?
  • Why do they sterilise needles for lethal injections?
  • Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
  • Why do vampires hate arguments? Because they make themselves cross.
  • Why do waiters like Gorillas better than flies? Did you ever hear a customer complain 'Waiter, there's a Gorilla in my soup! '
  • Why do waiters prefer elephants to flies? Have you ever heard anyone complaining of a elephant in their soup? .
  • Why do we paint Easter eggs? Because it's easier than trying to wallpaper them!
  • Why do women have smaller feet than men? - It allows them to stand closer to the sink.
  • Why do women pay more attention to their appearance thanto improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
  • Why do you go to bed? Because the bed will not come to you.
  • Why do you have to wait so long for a ghost train to come along? They only run a skeleton service.
  • Why do you keep going back to that fishing website? I can't help it, I'm hooked.
  • Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
  • Why do you never see zebras or antelopes at Victoria Station? Because it's a 'mane-lion' station!
  • Why do you want to be buried at sea? Because my wife says she wants to dance on my grave.
  • Why does Dracula always travel with his coffin? Because his life is at stake.
  • Why does Dracula have no friends? Because he's a pain in the neck.
  • Why does Father Christmas go down chimneys? Because they soot him!
  • Why does Queen Elizabeth, who has people to put on her make-up, do her hair, and needs no cash or identification carry a purse?
  • Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle? She knows she's given her last blow job.
  • Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
  • Why does a dinosaur have cracks between his toes? To carry his library card.
  • Why does a rooster watch TV? For hentertainment!
  • Why does a vampire clean his teeth three times a day? To prevent bat breath.
  • Why does history keep repeating itself? Because we weren't listening the first time!
  • Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?
  • Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?
  • Why does the Philippines ban rectal thermometers? They cause too much brain damage.
  • Why does the new Polish Navy have glass bottomed boats? So they can see the old Polish Navy!
  • Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
  • Why doesn't Kermit the Frog like elephants? They always want to play leap frog with him
  • Why doesn't Santa hitch his sleigh to a pig? Pigs don't have red noses.
  • Why doesnt Kermit like elephants? They always want to play leap-frog with him.
  • Why don't Purdue athletes eat pickles? They can't get their heads in the jar.
  • Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
  • Why don't chickens like people? They beat eggs!
  • Why don't dinosaurs take ballet lessons? They outgrew their leotards.
  • Why don't dogs make good dancers? Because they have two left feet!
  • Why don't elephants like martinis? Have you ever tried to get an olive out of your nose?
  • Why don't ghosts make good magicians. You can see right through their tricks.
  • Why don't lawyers enjoy playing golf? Because it's too much like work, what with all of the lying involved.
  • Why don't lawyers play hide-and-seek? Nobody will look for them.
  • Why don't men do laundry? cause the washer and dryer don't run on remote control!
  • Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence.
  • Why don't mexicans have barbeques? the beans keep slipping through the grill.
  • Why don't mexicans have checking accounts? It's too hard to spray paint your name on the little line.
  • Why don't more dinosaurs join the police force? They can't hide behind billboards.
  • Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
  • Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
  • Why don't you believe in me? I believe in YOU!
  • Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
  • Why fools r endowed by nature with voices so much louder than sensible people possess is a mystery. It's a fact emphasized throughout history.
  • Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin? There was some money in the kitty.
  • Why is 4, 840 square yards like a bad tooth? Because it is an acre.
  • Why is King Kong big and hairy? So you can tell him apart from a gooseberry.
  • Why is Russia a very fast country? Because the people are always Russian!
  • Why is a baby like an diamond? Because it's a dear little thing.
  • Why is a banana peel on the sidewalk like music? Because if you don't C sharp you'll B flat.
  • Why is a bride always out of luck on her wedding day? Because she never marries the best man.
  • Why is a dog with a lame leg like adding 6 and 7s? He puts down the three and carries the one.
  • Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
  • Why is a reindeer like a gossip? Because they are both tail bearers!
  • Why is an egg like a young horse? Because it can't be used until it's broken!
  • Why is an elephant braver than a hen? Because the elephant isn't chicken!
  • Why is an engaged girl like a telephone? Because they both have rings.
  • Why is it best to be bitten quickly by one mosquito? Because an itch in time saves nine.
  • Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic?
  • Why is it called a litter of puppies? Because they mess up the whole house!
  • Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
  • Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
  • Why is it dangerous to go into the jungle between two and four in the afternoon? That's when dinosaurs are jumping out of palm trees.
  • Why is it difficult to identify horses from the back? They're always switching their tails!
  • Why is it so wet in Great Britain? Because of all the kings and queens that reigned (rained) there.
  • Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
  • Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market? They tend to go cheep!
  • Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
  • Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
  • Why is it that the uneducated minds always criticize the brilliant minds? (Kelly Nelson)
  • Why is it that when one man kills another, he is hanged as a murderer, but when one man kills millions, he is hailed as a conqueror?
  • Why is manna from heaven like horse hay? Both are food from aloft!
  • Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women? Because when it's time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.
  • Why is sex like a game of bridge? -You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
  • Why is stupid monster like a jack-o'-lantern? They both have empty heads.
  • Why is the Liberty Bell like a dropped Easter egg? Because they're both cracked!
  • Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween? Because so many witches are sweeping the sky.
  • Why is the cook worried about catching his runaway pig? He knows a little ham goes a long way.
  • Why is the letter t so important to a stick insect? Without it would be a sick insect.
  • Why is the monsters' football pitch wet? Because the players keep dribbling on it.
  • Why is the practice called "fasting" when time passes so slowly when you're doing it?
  • Why is the time in the USA behind that of England? Because England was discovered before the USA!
  • Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
  • Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
  • Why isn't there mouse flavoured cat food?
  • Why me? Why is it always me?
  • Why men like to fishing so much? They finally found something as smart as them to talk to.
  • Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business", always be followed by, but?
  • Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?. -Frank Scully
  • Why should we trust the government with automatic weapons?
  • Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats? They might be cheetahs!
  • Why should you never watch a video with a Chihuahua? It always plays with the paws button on the VCR.
  • Why shouldn't you believe a person in bed? Because he is lying.
  • Why was Easter the aardvark's favorite holiday? Because he liked aard-boiled eggs!
  • Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
  • Why was Teddy Roosevelt mean to horses? He was a rough rider!
  • Why was he woman arrested on a cattle ranch for wearing a silk dress? She was charged with rustling!
  • Why was six scared of seven? Because seven ate nine.
  • Why was the big, hairy, two-headed monster top of the class at school? Because two heads are better than one.
  • Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
  • Why was the broom late? It over swept!
  • Why was the cannibal fined by the judge? He was caught poaching.
  • Why was the centipede late? Because he was playing This little Piggy with his baby brother!
  • Why was the farmer hopping mad? Because someone had trodden on his corn!
  • Why was the horse all charged up? It ate some haywire!
  • Why was the horseman fired from his job of saddle testing? He was always standing up on the job!
  • Why was the lion-tamer fined? He parked on a yellow lion!
  • Why was the little bear so spoiled? Because its mother panda'd to its every whim!
  • Why was the monster standing on his head? He was turning things over in his mind.
  • Why was the mother flea feeling down in the dumps? Because she thought her children were all going to the dogs.
  • Why was the racehorse named Bad News? Because bad news travels fast!
  • Why was the racehorse names Strawberry Ice? He was a sherbet!
  • Why was the school principal not pleased when he bumped into an old friend? They were both driving their cars at the time!
  • Why was the snowman's dog called Frost? Because Frost bites.
  • Why was the struggling mange seen shaking the club cat? To see if there was any more money in the kitty!
  • Why was the young vampire a failure? Because he fainted at the sight of blood.
  • Why was there a bug in the computer? It was looking for a byte to eat.
  • Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
  • Why were the early days of history called the dark ages? Because there were so many knights!
  • Why were the elephants thrown out of the swimming pool? Because they couldn't hold their trunks up!
  • Why were the flies playing football in saucer? They where playing for the cup!
  • Why were the trick-or-treaters wearing grass skirts? Because it was Hulaween!
  • Why were the vets and pounds mad? It was raining cats and dogs
  • Why were you late? Sorry, teacher, I overslept. You mean you need to sleep at home too!
  • Why won't anyone eat the dogs birthday cake? Because he always slobbers out the candles!
  • Why won't cannibals eat Frank Sinatra? Because he's always coming back!
  • Why won't the witch let the traveling pig actors into her gingerbread cottage? She's afraid they'll bring down the house.
  • Why, if the best things in life are free, the next-best things are so expensive?
  • Wife: Why don't you ever callout my name when we're making love? ! Husband: Because I don't want to wake you.
  • Wilbur Wright~ I know of only one bird - the parrot - that talks and it cant fly very high.
  • Will Cuppy~ Some people lose all respect for the lion unless he devours them instantly. There is no pleasing some people.
  • Will Durant~ Inquiry is fatal to certainty.
  • Will Durant~ The trouble with most people is that they think with their hopes or fears or wishes rather than with their minds.
  • Will Rogers~ Communism is like prohibition its a good idea but it wont work.
  • Will Rogers~ Even if you are on the right track youll get run over if you just sit there.
  • Will Rogers~ Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.
  • Will Rogers~ I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
  • Will Rogers~ I dont make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
  • Will Rogers~ Im not a member of any organized political party Im a Democrat
  • Will Rogers~ Its not what you pay a man but what he costs you that counts.
  • Will Rogers~ Live your life so that whenever you lose you are ahead.
  • Will Rogers~ Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week.
  • Will Rogers~ The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself.
  • Will Rogers~ The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.
  • Will Rogers~ There is good news from Washington today. Congress is deadlocked and cant act.
  • Will Rogers~ We dont know what we want but we are ready to bite somebody to get it.
  • Will Write Code for Food!
  • Will is character in action.
  • Will it be cash or charge?
  • Will you look back on life and say, I wish I had, or I'm glad I did? -Zig Ziglar
  • Willa Cather~ I like trees because they seem more resigned to the way they have to live than other things do.
  • Willa Cather~ The dead might as well try to speak to the living as the old to the young.
  • Willa Cather~ There are some things you learn best in calm and some in storm.
  • Willa Cather~ Winter lies too long in country towns hangs on until it is stale and shabby old and sullen.
  • Willa Sibert Cather~ That is happiness to be dissolved into something complete and great.
  • Willa Sibert Cather~ Where there is great love there are always miracles.
  • Willem de Kooning~ The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
  • William A. Orton~ If you keep your mind sufficiently open people will throw a lot of rubbish into it.
  • William Adams~ Faith is a continuation of reason.
  • William Arthur Ward~ It is wise to direct your anger towards problems - not people to focus your energies on answers - not excuses.
  • William Arthur Ward~ Wise are they who have learned these truths Trouble is temporary. Time is tonic. Tribulation is a test tube.
  • William Arthur Ward~ Wise are those who learn that the bottom line doesnt always have to be their top priority.
  • William Ashley~ Better limp all the way to heaven than not get there at all.
  • William Baziotes~ Each painting has its own way of evolving...When the painting is finished the subject reaveals itself.
  • William Blackstone~ It is better that ten guilty escape than one innocent suffer.
  • William Blackstone~ Law is the embodiment of the moral sentiment of the people.
  • William Blake~ A truth thats told with bad intent Beats all the lies you can invent.
  • William Blake~ Energy is eternal delight.
  • William Blake~ For Mercy has a human heart Pity a human face And Love the human form divine And Peace the human dress.
  • William Blake~ If the doors of perception were cleansed everything would appear to man as it is infinite.
  • William Blake~ Mutual forgiveness of each vice. Such are the Gates of Paradise.
  • William Blake~ My mother groand my father wept Into the dangerous world I leapt Helpless naked piping load Like a friend hid in a cloud.
  • William Blake~ The man who never alters his opinions is like standing water and breeds reptiles of the mind.
  • William Blake~ Those who restrain desire do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained.
  • William Blake~ Thy friendship oft has made my heart to ache do be my enemy - for friendships sake.
  • William Blake~ To generalize is to be an idiot.
  • William Blake~ When thou seest an eagle thou seest a portion of genius lift up thy head
  • William Blake~ Where Mercy Love and Pity dwell There God is dwelling too.
  • William Bolitho~ You need more fact in the dangerous art of giving presents than in any other social action.
  • William Bridges~ Genuine beginnings begin within us even when they are brought to our attention by external opportunities.
  • William Butler Yeats~ Education is not filling a bucket but lighting a fire.
  • William Butler Yeats~ Happiness is neither virtue nor pleasure nor this thing nor that but simply growth We are happy when we are growing.
  • William Butler Yeats~ One should not lose ones temper unless one is certain of getting more and more angry to the end.
  • William Butler Yeats~ Too long a sacrifice Can make a stone of the heart.
  • William C. Hunter~ Its too much to ask one to love his enemy. Lets compromise on forgetting him.
  • William Carlos Williams~ If they give you lined paper write the other way.
  • William Carlos Williams~ In summer the song sings itself.
  • William Cecil Burleigh~ Win hearts and you have all mens hands and purses.
  • William Congreve~ Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.
  • William Congreve~ Men are apt to offend (tis true) where they find most goodness to forgive.
  • William Dement~ Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.
  • William E. Brock~ Its an insane tragedy that people get a diploma each year and cant read the damned diploma.
  • William Ellery Channing~ Difficulties are meant to rouse not discourage.
  • William Ellery Channing~ Difficulties are meant to rouse not discourage. The human spirit is to grow strong by conflict.
  • William F Claire~ I dream of wayward gulls and all landless lovers rare moments of winter sun peace privacy for everyone.
  • William Faulkner~ Plenty of people miss their share of happiness Not because they never found it But because they didnt stop to enjoy it.
  • William Faulkner~ We always admire the other person more after weve tried to do his job.
  • William Feather~ A man must not deny his manifest abilities for that is to evade his obligations.
  • William Feather~ Beware of the man who wont be bothered with details.
  • William Frank Buckley Jr.~ Idealism is fine but as it approaches reality the cost becomes prohibitive.
  • William Fullbright~ We have the power to do any damn fool thing we want to do and we seem to do it about every minutes.
  • William G. McAdoo~ It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.
  • William Gibson~ The Net is a waste of time and thats exactly whats right about it.
  • William Gladstone~ Justice delayed is justice denied.
  • William Goldman~ Life is pain highness Anyone who says differently is selling something.
  • William H. McNeill~ My job is to bore you and let the hardness of your seat and the warmth of your robe prepare you for what is to come.
  • William Hazlitt~ If you think you can win you can win. Faith is necessary to victory.
  • William Hazlitt~ Men of genius do not excel in any profession because they labor in it but they labor in it because they excel.
  • William Hazlitt~ The love of liberty is the love of others the love of power is the love of ourselves.
  • William Hazlitt~ The more we do the more we can do.
  • William Hazlitt~ To think ill of mankind and not to wish ill to them is perhaps the highest wisdom and virtue.
  • William Hazlitt~ When a thing ceases to be a subject of controversy it ceases to be a subject of interest.
  • William Hiram Foulkes~ Science and religion no more contradict each other than light and electricity.
  • William Hutton~ The charity that hastens to proclaim its good deeds ceases to be charity and is only pride and ostentation.
  • William J. Clinton~ I tried marijuana once. I did not inhale.
  • William James Lampton~ Same old slippers Same old rice Same old glimpse of paradise.~ );
  • William James~ Let everything you do be done as if it makes a difference.
  • William James~ Only necessity understood and bondage to the highest is identical with true freedom.
  • William James~ The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.
  • William James~ The essence of genius is to know what to overlook.
  • William James~ There is no more miserable human being than one in whom nothing is habitual but indecision.
  • William James~ There is no worse lie than a truth misunderstood by those who hear it.
  • William Jefferson Clinton~ You can put wings on a pig but you dont make it an eagle.
  • William Jr. Wrigley~ When two men in business always agree one of them is unnecessary.
  • William Langland~ Necessity has no law.
  • William Law~ Be intent upon the perfection of the present day.
  • William Makepeace Thackeray~ I would rather make my name than inherit it.
  • William Osler~ Shut out all of your past except that which will help you weather your tomorrows.
  • William Penn~ Never marry but for love but see that thou lovest what is lovely.
  • William Pickens~ Living together is an art.
  • William Pitt~ Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. It is the argument of tyrants it is the creed of slaves.
  • William Ralph Inge~ A nation is a society united by delusions about its ancestry and by common hatred of its neighbors.
  • William Ralph Inge~ Events in the past may be roughly divided into those which probably never happened and those which do not matter.
  • William Ralph Inge~ The aim of education is the knowledge not of fact but of values.
  • William Ralph Inge~ The wise man is he who knows the relative value of things.
  • William Ralph Inge~ Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.
  • William Reece Smith Jr.~ We must remember that a right lost to one is lost to all.
  • William Safire~ I think we have a need to know what we do not need to know.
  • William Shakespeare~ A little more than kin and less than kind.
  • William Shakespeare~ Age cannot wither her nor custom stale Her infinite variety.
  • William Shakespeare~ Alas poor Yorick I knew him Horatio a fellow of infinite jest of most excellent fancy...
  • William Shakespeare~ Although the last not least.
  • William Shakespeare~ An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
  • William Shakespeare~ Assume a virtue if you have it not.
  • William Shakespeare~ Be not afraid of greatness some are born great some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.
  • William Shakespeare~ Be thou as chaste as ice as pure as snow thou shalt not escape calumny. Get thee to a nunnery go.
  • William Shakespeare~ Blow blow thou winter wind Thou art not so unkind As mans ingratitude.
  • William Shakespeare~ But for my own part it was Greek to me.
  • William Shakespeare~ Et tu Brute
  • William Shakespeare~ For aught that I could ever read Could ever hear by tale or history The course of true love never did run smooth.
  • William Shakespeare~ For they are yet ear-kissing arguments.
  • William Shakespeare~ For tis the sport to have the engineer Hoist with his own petard...
  • William Shakespeare~ Hereafter in a better world than this I shall desire more love and knowledge of you.
  • William Shakespeare~ How far that little candle throws his beams So shines a good deed in a weary world.
  • William Shakespeare~ How many ages hence Shall this our lofty scene be acted over In states unborn and accents yet unknown
  • William Shakespeare~ How poor are they who have not patience What wound did ever heal but by degrees.
  • William Shakespeare~ How sharper than a serpents tooth it is To have a thankless child
  • William Shakespeare~ How use doth breed a habit in a man.
  • William Shakespeare~ I am not bound to please thee with my answers.
  • William Shakespeare~ I feel within me a peace above all earthly dignities a still and quiet conscience.
  • William Shakespeare~ I have heard of your paintings too well enough God has given you one face and you make yourselves another.
  • William Shakespeare~ I have not slept one wink.
  • William Shakespeare~ I must be cruel only to be kind Thus bad begins and worse remains behind.
  • William Shakespeare~ I thank God I am as honest as any man living that is an old man and no honester than I.
  • William Shakespeare~ I wish you well and so I take my leave I Pray you know me when we meet again.
  • William Shakespeare~ In a false quarrel there is no true valour.
  • William Shakespeare~ Lay on Macduff And damnd be him that first cries Hold enough
  • William Shakespeare~ Love all trust a few. Do wrong to none.
  • William Shakespeare~ Men have died from time to time and worms have eaten them but not for love.
  • William Shakespeare~ Mine honour is my life both grow in one take honour from me and my life is done.
  • William Shakespeare~ My meaning in saying he is a good man is to have you understand me that he is sufficient.
  • William Shakespeare~ My salad days When I was green in judgment.
  • William Shakespeare~ My words fly up my thoughts remain below Words without thoughts never to heaven go.
  • William Shakespeare~ Nothing will come of nothing.
  • William Shakespeare~ Now join your hands and with your hands your hearts.
  • William Shakespeare~ O my offence is rank it smells to heaven It hath the primal eldest curse upon t A brothers murder.
  • William Shakespeare~ Our remedies oft in ourselves do lie.
  • William Shakespeare~ Pity is the virture of the law and none but tyrants use it cruelly.
  • William Shakespeare~ Pray you now forget and forgive.
  • William Shakespeare~ Romeo Romeo wherefore art thou Romeo Deny thy father and refuse thy name...
  • William Shakespeare~ Self-loving is not so vile a sin my liege as self-neglecting.
  • William Shakespeare~ Simply the thing I am shall make me live.
  • William Shakespeare~ Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
  • William Shakespeare~ Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.
  • William Shakespeare~ Speak to me as to thy thinkings As thou dost ruminate and give thy worst of thoughts The worst of words.
  • William Shakespeare~ Strong reasons make strong actions.
  • William Shakespeare~ Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.
  • William Shakespeare~ The course of true love never did run smooth.
  • William Shakespeare~ The game is up.
  • William Shakespeare~ The gods are just and of our pleasant vices Make instruments to plague us.
  • William Shakespeare~ The law hath not been dead though it hath slept.
  • William Shakespeare~ The peace of heaven is theirs that lift their swords in such a just an charitable war.
  • William Shakespeare~ The trust I have is in mine innocence and therefore am I bold and resolute.
  • William Shakespeare~ The worst is not So long as we can say This is the worst.
  • William Shakespeare~ There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.
  • William Shakespeare~ There is occasions and causes why and wherefore in all things.
  • William Shakespeare~ They say best men are moulded out of faults And for the most become much more the better For being a little bad.
  • William Shakespeare~ This fellows wise enough to play the fool And to do that well craves a kind of wit.
  • William Shakespeare~ Thou shouldst not have been old till thou hadst been wise.
  • William Shakespeare~ Though this be madness yet there is method in t.
  • William Shakespeare~ Thoughts are but dreams till their effects be tried.
  • William Shakespeare~ Thy words I grant are bigger for I wear not my dagger in my mouth.
  • William Shakespeare~ To business that we love we rise betime and go tot with delight.
  • William Shakespeare~ To climb steep hills requires slow pace at first.
  • William Shakespeare~ To mourn a mischief that is past and gone Is the next way to draw new mischief on.
  • William Shakespeare~ True is it that we have seen better days.
  • William Shakespeare~ We do not keep the outward form of order where there is deep disorder in the mind.
  • William Shakespeare~ Whats in a name That which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet.
  • William Shakespeare~ When we are born we cry that we are come To this great stage of fools.
  • William Shakespeare~ While thou livest keep a good tongue in thy head.
  • William Shakespeare~ You cram these words into mine ears against the stomach of my sense.
  • William Stubbs~ To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
  • William T. Cummings~ There are no athiests in foxholes.
  • William Thayer Shedd~ Say what men may it is doctrine that moves the world. He who takes no position will not sway the human intellect.
  • William Wadsworth~ Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart...
  • William Whewell~ Every failure is a step to success...
  • William Wister Haines~ Dont be afraid to ask dumb questions. Theyre more easily handled than dumb mistakes.
  • William Wordsworth~ She was a phantom of delight When first she gleamd upon my sight A lovely apparition sent To be a moments ornament.
  • William Wordsworth~ The little unremembered acts of kindness and love are the best parts of a persons life.
  • William of Wykeham~ Manners maketh man.
  • Willie Stone~ Vision without a task is only a dream. A task without a vision is but drudgery. But vision with a task is a dream fulfilled.
  • Wilson Mizner~ A fellow who is always declaring hes no fool usually has his suspicions.
  • Wilson Mizner~ Always be nice to people on the way up because youll meet the same people on the way down.
  • Wilson Mizner~ The worst-tempered people Ive ever met were the people who knew they were wrong.
  • Wim Wenders~ The more opinions you have the less you see.
  • Windows 98 or above required to run this software. (I)nstall Unix I(N)stall Linux (U)ninstall Windows 98
  • Windows does not have any bugs ..... Can I sell you a bridge in the Sahara desert?
  • Windows is NOT a virus. Viruses DO something.
  • Windows95: It's like upgrading from Reagan to Bush.
  • Windows: Microsoft's tax on computer illiterates.
  • Windows: Where do you WANT to go TODAY? You WANT to, but you'll never get there. And you can go to only ONE place per day.
  • Windows: Where do you want to go today? MacOS: Where do you want to be tomorrow? Linux: Are you coming or what? (from Linux Journal)
  • Windows: the ultimate triumph of marketing over technology.
  • Winning is a habit. Unfortunately, so is losing.
  • Winning is a habit. Unfortunately, so is losing. -Vincent Lombardi
  • Winning is everything. The only ones who remember you when you come second are your wife and your dog. -Damon Hill
  • Winning is not everything, but the effort to win is. -Zig Ziglar
  • Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything
  • Wisdom is a comb given to a man once he is bald.
  • Wisdom is knowing what to do next, skill is knowing how to do it, and virtue is doing it. -David Starr Jordan. - David Starr Jordan
  • Wisdom whispers - foolishness shouts.
  • Wisdom will keep you from getting into situations where you need it. (Bruce M. Sandbrook)
  • Wise sayings often fall on barren ground; but a kind word is never thrown away. -Sir Arthur Helps
  • Wit is educated insolence. -Aristotle
  • Witch Wagon - Tailgaters will be Toad!
  • Witch: Doctor, I don't feel well. Doctor: Don't worry, you'll just have to go to bed for a spell.
  • Witch: My other vehicle is a broom stick.
  • Witches are just so crafty!
  • Witches do it in circles!
  • Witches use brooms because nature abhors a vacuum.
  • With a very high protein requirement few feral cats find adequate nutrition on their own in cities.
  • With a written agreement you have a prayer; with a verbal agreement you have nothing but air. -Robert Ringer
  • With enough thrust, lift is irrelevant.
  • With perseverance you can discover any truth
  • With wealth you can live in comfort.With drive you can make a comfortable living.With peace of mind, you can be comfortable in living.
  • Within your heart, keep one still, secret spot where dreams may go. -Louise Driscoll
  • Without God, I can not. Without me, God will not.
  • Without craftsmanship, inspiration is a mere reed shaken in the wind. -Jonannes Brahms
  • Without friends, no one would want to live, even if he had all other goods. -Aristotle
  • Without goals, and plans to reach them, you are like a ship that has set sail with no destination. -Fitzhugh Dodson
  • Without risk there is no opportunity for gain.
  • Witold Gombrowicz~ Do you want to know who you are Dont ask. Act Action will delineate and define you.
  • Wives often object to life insurance, widows never do.
  • Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love - and to put its trust in life. - Joseph Conrad
  • Wolcott Gibbs~ Backward ran sentences until reeled the mind.
  • Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart~ I pay no attention whatever to anybodys praise or blame. I simply follow my own feelings.
  • Woman: Officer you must help. I've just lost my wig. Police officer: Certainly, ma'am, we'll comb the area.
  • Women are like computers -- even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
  • Women can be saints. Why not priests?
  • Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of? Being stuck in a lift with the Spice girls.
  • Women like silent men. They think they're listening. (Marcel Archard)
  • Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
  • Women: can't live with them, can't kill them.
  • Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher; and philosophy begins in wonder. -Plato
  • Woodrow Wilson~ Once lead this people into war and they will forget there ever was such a thing as tolerance.
  • Woodrow Wilson~ One cool judgment is worth a dozen hasty councils. The thing to do is to supply light and not heat.
  • Woodrow Wilson~ Power consists in ones capacity to link his will with the purpose of others to lead by reason and a gift of cooperation.
  • Woodrow Wilson~ Some Americans need hyphens in their names because only part of them has come over.
  • Woodrow Wilson~ The world must be made safe for democracy.
  • Woodrow Wyatt~ A man falls in love through his eyes a woman through her ears.
  • Woody Allen~ Basically my wife was immature. Id be at home in the bath and shed come in and sink my boats.
  • Woody Allen~ Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
  • Woody Allen~ I am at two with nature.
  • Woody Allen~ I cant listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
  • Woody Allen~ I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick - not wounded - dead.
  • Woody Allen~ If youre not failing every now and again its a sign youre not doing anything very innovative.
  • Woody Allen~ Im astounded by people who want to know the universe when its hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
  • Woody Allen~ Love is the answer but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
  • Woody Allen~ Not only is there no God but try getting a plumber on weekends.
  • Woody Allen~ Nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind.
  • Woody Allen~ Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
  • Woody Allen~ What if nothing exists and were all in somebodys dream Or whats worse what if only that fat guy in the third row exists
  • Woody Allen~ Why are our days numbered and not say lettered
  • Work and play are words used to describe the same thing under differing conditions. -Mark Twain
  • Work for the fun of it, and the money will arrive some day. -Ronnie Milsap
  • Work harder!! Millions on welfare are depending on you.
  • Work is for people who don't know how to golf.
  • Work is for people who don't surf the net!
  • Work is man's most natural form of relaxation. -Dagobert D. Runes
  • Work is not man's punishment. It is his reward and his strength and his pleasure. -George Sand
  • Work like you don't need the money, love like your heart has never been broken, and dance as if no one is watching. (Satchel Paige)
  • Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody is watching. -Mark Twain
  • Work with every buyer as though that person represents a thousand referrals. (Tom Hopkins)
  • Work your way up or rust your way out. -Holton
  • Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength. (Corrie Ten Boom)
  • Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you many never owe.
  • Worry is like a rocking chair - it gives you something to do but won't get you anywhere. -Unknown Author
  • Worry is simply an unhealthy and destructive mental habit. -Norman Vincent Peale
  • Worrying can help you prepare
  • Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
  • Would you like to buy a second-hand computer? I'm afraid not. I'm only able to type with one hand as it is.
  • Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. (Mark Twain)
  • Write injuries in the sand, kindnesses in marble.
  • Writing is turning one's worst moments into money. -J P Donleavy
  • Wystan Hugh Auden~ All sin tends to be addictive and the terminal point of addiction is what is called damnation.
  • Wystan Hugh Auden~ Geniuses are the luckiest of mortals because what they must do is the same as what they most want to do.
  • Wystan Hugh Auden~ Goodness is easier to recognize than to define.
  • Wystan Hugh Auden~ History is strictly speaking the study of questions the study of answers belongs to anthropology and sociology.
  • Wystan Hugh Auden~ To ask the hard question is simple.
  • Xenophon~ If you consider what are called the virtues in mankind you will find their growth is assisted by education and cultivation.
  • Xenophon~ The sweetest of all sounds is praise.
  • YO MAMA IS SO FAT WHEN YOU GO AROUND HER YOU GET LOST!
  • YO MAMA SO STUPID WHEN THEY SAID THAT IT IS CHILLY OUTSIDE, SHE WENT OUTSIDE WITH A BOWL AND A SPOON.
  • Yanking yellow yo-yos.
  • Yasutani Roshi~ The fundamental delusion of humanity is to suppose that I am here and you are out there.
  • Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand. Cool Hand Luke,
  • Yes, I think poker really isn't gambling. - Al Alvarez
  • Yes, risk taking is inherently failure-prone. Otherwise, it would be called sure-thing-taking. ~Tim McMahon
  • Yesterday is a canceled check; tomorrow is a promissory note; today is the only cash you have-so spend it wisely. -Kay Lyons
  • Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present.
  • Yevgeny Aleksandrovich Yevtushenko~ Poetry is like a bird it ignores all frontiers.
  • Yevgeny Aleksandrovich Yevtushenko~ To believe in ones dreams is to spend all of ones life asleep.
  • Yo Mama so fat, she's gotta wake up in sections
  • Yo Momma so black when she goes swimming poeple thinks shes and oil spill.
  • Yo mama cross-eyed and watches TV in stereo.
  • Yo mama hair so short when she braided it they looked like stiches.
  • Yo mama house so small that when she orders a large pizza she had to go outside to eat it.
  • Yo mama house so small you have to go outside to change your mind.
  • Yo mama in a wheelchair and says, You ain't gonna puch me 'round no more.
  • Yo mama is so fat that when she went bunggie jumping in a yellow dress, everyone was screaming the suns falling!
  • Yo mama is so fat you could use her bellybutton as a wishing well. . .
  • Yo mama so dark she went to night school and was marked absent!
  • Yo mama so fat her nickname is Lardo
  • Yo mama so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!
  • Yo mama so fat she has seat belts on the chairs to keep her fat from rolling off! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
  • Yo mama so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!
  • Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
  • Yo mama so fat she wears a vcr as a beeper.
  • Yo mama so fat she's got her own area code!
  • Yo mama so fat that when she puts on her yellow rain coat and walks down the street people shout out cab!
  • Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up
  • Yo mama so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
  • Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L. A. , Chicago
  • Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th
  • Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said Taxi!
  • Yo mama so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!
  • Yo mama so lazy she's got a remote control just to operate her remote!
  • Yo mama so lazy that she came in last place in a recent snail marathon.
  • Yo mama so nasty. . . cows with mad cow disease run from her. .
  • Yo mama so old I told her to act her own age, and she died.
  • Yo mama so old her birth certificate says expired on it.
  • Yo mama so old she ran track with dinosaurs.
  • Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
  • Yo mama so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, What ya doin'? She said, Buying luggage.
  • Yo mama so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
  • Yo mama so short she poses for trophies!
  • Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 seconds.
  • Yo mama so stupid she worked at an m&m factory and threw out all the W's.
  • Yo mama so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!
  • Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
  • Yo mama so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!
  • Yo mama so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
  • Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said Sorry, no professionals.
  • Yo mama's house is so small you have to go outside to change your mind.
  • Yo mama's so fat when she takes a bath she fills the tub then turns on the water.
  • Yo mama's so stupid she can't pass a blood test.
  • Yo mama's teeth so yellow that when she smiles everyone sings, i got sunshine on a cloudy day. . . . .
  • Yo mamas so dumb she brought a spoon to the Super-Bowl.
  • Yo mamas so fat it took me a bus and two trains just to get on her good side.
  • Yo mamas so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon.
  • Yo mamas so fat she needs a hula hoop to keep up her socks.
  • Yo mamas so fat she needs a watch on both arms because she covers two time zones.
  • Yo mamas so fat she walked in front of the tv and I missed 3 commercials.
  • Yo mamas so fat when she fell in love she broke it.
  • Yo mamas so fat when she wears a red dress all the kids scream look its the koolaid man
  • Yo mamas so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
  • Yo mamas so poor I see her kicking a can down the road, I said what yar doing she said moving! ! !
  • Yo mamas so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras.
  • Yo mamma is so fat when a bus hit her she said who threw the pebble.
  • Yo mamma is so fat, her husband has to stand up in bed each morning to see if it's daylight.
  • Yo mamma so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping out her basement window.
  • Yo mamma's so fat she needs a watch on both arms because she covers two time zones.
  • Yogi Berra~ Baseball is mental the other half is physical.
  • Yogi Berra~ Congratulations. I knew the record would stand until it was broken.
  • Yogi Berra~ No one goes there nowadays its too crowded.
  • Yogi Berra~ This is like deja vu all over again.
  • Yogi Berra~ When you come to a fork in the road take it.
  • You Might Be a Sad Sack If: You welcome calls from phone salesmen because no one else will talk to you.
  • You Might Be a Sad Sack If: Your imaginary friends keep finding excuses not to come over.
  • You always succeed in producing a result. -Anthony Robbins
  • You and I can never do a kindness too soon, for we never know how soon it will be too late.
  • You and who's army?
  • You are important enough to ask and you are blessed enough to receive back. -Wayne Dyer
  • You are making progress if each mistake is a new one.
  • You are never given a dream without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however. -Richard Bach
  • You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. -Les Brown
  • You are seeking joy and peace in far-off places. But the spring of joy is in your heart. The haven of peace is in yourself. -Satya Sai Baba
  • You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  • You are wholly complete and your success in life will be in direct proportion to your ability to accept this truth about you.
  • You are wholly complete and your success in life will be in direct proportion to your ability to accept this truth about you. - Dr. Robert Anthony
  • You are within God. God is within you. -Pilgrims
  • You are young only once, but you can be immature all your life.
  • You are, at this moment, standing, right in the middle of your own acres of diamonds. -Earl Nightingale
  • You aspire to great things? Begin with little ones. -Augustine Saint
  • You become strong by defying defeat and by turning loss into gain and failure to success. -Napoleon
  • You become what you think about. -Earl Nightingale
  • You bet!
  • You better think about the future, for it's where you will spend the rest of your life.
  • You can be right or you can be happy. -Gerald G Jampolsky
  • You can blow out a candle, but you can't blow out a fire, once the flame begins to catch, the wind will blow it higher.
  • You can change anything you want. You just can't change everything you want. -Peter Mcwilliams
  • You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses. -Ziggy
  • You can determine how confident people are by listening to what they don't say about themselves. -Brian G. Jett
  • You can disagree without being disagreeable. -Zig Ziglar
  • You can do what you want, but saving love doesn't bring any interest. - Mae West
  • You can dress up a pig, but it'll still be a pig.
  • You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him. (Malcolm Forbes)
  • You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
  • You can judge your age by the amount of pain you feel when you come in contact with a new idea. -John Nuveen
  • You can keep a dog; but it is the cat who keeps people, because cats find humans useful domestic animals. - George Mikes
  • You can learn about your cat's present state of mind by observing the posture of his tail.
  • You can measure a man by the opposition it takes to discourage him. -Robert C. Savage
  • You can outdistance that which is running after you but not what is running inside you.
  • You can spend a lifetime, and, if you're honest with yourself, never once was your work perfect. -Charlton Heston
  • You can take a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink.
  • You can tell a cat's mood by looking into its eyes. A frightened or excited cat will have large, round pupils.
  • You can tell a cat's mood by looking into its eyes. An angry cat will have narrow pupils.
  • You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.
  • You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions. -Naguib Mahfouz
  • You can't be in two places at once, they say. Then how is it that you are there and in my heart at the same time?
  • You can't build a reputation on what you're going to do.
  • You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future.
  • You can't cross the sea merely by standing and staring at the water. -Rabindranath Tagore
  • You can't expect people to be something they're not
  • You can't expect people to look eye to eye with you if you are looking down on them.
  • You can't fix stupid
  • You can't get much done in life if you only work on the days when you feel good. -Jerry West
  • You can't get there from here.
  • You can't get to the top by sitting on your bottom.
  • You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
  • You can't have everything...where would you put it?
  • You can't hit a target you cannot see, and you cannot see a target you do not have.
  • You can't lead anyone else further than you have gone yourself. -Gene Mauch
  • You can't legislate morality.
  • You can't live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you. -John Wooden
  • You can't love God unless God loves Himself.
  • You can't prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but can prevent them from building their nest on it.
  • You can't stay in your corner of the forest, waiting for others to come to you; you have to go to them sometimes. -Winnie the Pooh
  • You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
  • You can't turn back the clock. But you can wind it up again. -Bonnie Prudden
  • You cannot be a leader, and ask other people to follow you, unless you know how to follow, too. -Sam Rayburn
  • You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. -Dr. Wayne W. Dyer
  • You cannot beat a roulette table unless you steal money from it. - Albert Einstein
  • You cannot beat a roulette table unless you steal money from it. ~ Albert Einstein
  • You cannot beat a roulette table unless you steal money from it. ~Albert Einstein
  • You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself one. -James A. Froude
  • You cannot expect to achieve new goals or move beyond your present circumstances unless you change. -Les Brown
  • You cannot make it as a wandering generality. You must become a meaningful specific.
  • You cannot step twice into the same river; for other waters are continually flowing in. -Heraclitus
  • You could not warm up to him if you were cremated together.
  • You did touch me but didn't feel my pain. Jesus came and touched me and I don't feel the pain any more.
  • You do not lead by hitting people over the head - that's assault, not leadership. -Dwight D. Eisenhower
  • You don't become a missionary by crossing the sea but by seeing the cross.
  • You don't drown by falling in water; you only drown if you stay there.
  • You don't get old, you just become a classic.
  • You don't have to be a beer drinker to play darts, but it helps.
  • You don't have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great. -Zig Ziglar
  • You don't have to blow out anothers candle to make yours shine bright.
  • You don't have to fear defeat if you believe it may reveal powers that you didn't know you possessed. -Napoleon Hill
  • You don't have to say anything. You offend me just by being in the area.
  • You don't have to worry about the cat leaving the toilet seat up.
  • You don't have to worry that your cat will do drugs or join a gang.
  • You don't lead by pointing and telling people some place to go. You lead by going to that place and making a case. -Ken Kesey
  • You don't realize how strong a person really is until you see them at their weakest moment. -Unknown Author
  • You don't win silver. You lose gold.
  • You eat three times a day; why can't you pray five times?
  • You either have to be first, best, or different. (Loretta Lynn)
  • You forgot to do your backup 16 days ago. Tomorrow you'll need that version.
  • You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. -Eleanor Roosevelt
  • You gotta be hungry! -Les Brown
  • You grow up the first day you have your first good laugh-at yourself. -Ethel Barrymore
  • You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
  • You have no control over what the other guy does. You only have control over what you do. -A J Kitt
  • You have the right to remain silent. So please SHUT UP.
  • You have three choices in any situation; the sooner you choose, the less stress you?ll feel: change, accept or leave.
  • You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them. -Michael Jordan
  • You have to expect things of yourselves before you can do them. -Michael Jordan
  • You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through. -Rosalynn Carter
  • You have to have your heart in the business and the business in your heart. -Thomas J. Watson
  • You have to know what's important and what's unimportant, for you. - David Harold Fink
  • You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else. -Albert Einstein
  • You have to perform at a consistently higher level than others. That's the mark of a true professional.
  • You have to protect the privacy of the advice you get, or you'll never get the advice you need.
  • You have to see the pattern, understand the order and experience the vision. -Michael E. Gerber
  • You have to sow before you can reap. You have to give before you can get. -Robert Collier
  • You have within you right now, everything you need to deal with whatever the world can throw at you. -Brian Tracy
  • You have within you, right now, everything you need to deal with whatever the world can throw at you. -Brian Tracy
  • You just may be a #catnut if: People at work have stopped offering you their lint brushes bacause they realize it's hopeless anyway.
  • You just may be a #catnut if: You and kitty have matching outfits.
  • You just may be a #catnut if: You apologize when you step on a fuzzy cat toy in the dark.
  • You just may be a #catnut if: You ask the Pizza delivery guy if he has time to make a 9lives run for you.
  • You just may be a #catnut if: You ask the Pizza delivery place if they can stop and pick up some of the cats from the vet on the way.
  • You just may be a #catnut if: You ask the Pizza delivery place if they can stop and pickup a few bags of 9lives on the way.
  • You just may be a #catnut if: You bore the neighbors with discussions on the exact nutritional differences between 9lives and amore.
  • You just may be a #catnut if: You buy DVDs of nature shows with fidh for the cats to enjoy.
  • You just may be a #catnut if: You buy cat litter by the truckload.
  • You just may be a #catnut if: You buy more than 200 pounds of cat litter per month.
  • You just may be a #catnut if: You chose your house based on it having a good location for the catbox.
  • You just may be a #catnut if: You commit the spare room to hold all the cat litter boxes.
  • You just may be a #catnut if: You get angry when visitors dont greet your cat hello ...
  • You just may be a #catnut if: You have 2 cabinets full of hooman food and 11 full of 9lives.
  • You just may be a #catnut if: You have a cat litter box in every room of your apartment.
  • You just may be a #catnut if: You have take out a loan to be able to afford 9lives.
  • You just may be a #catnut if: You have to build an extra closet to store the 'kids' winter clothes.
  • You just may be a #catnut if: You have to build an extra closet to store the kittie clothes.
  • You just may be a #catnut if: You have to have an extra room built onto the kitchen to store the 9lives.
  • You just may be a #catnut if: You have to hire an architect to design and build the cat furniture.
  • You just may be a #catnut if: You have to use the motor home to take all the 'kids' to the vet for a checkup.
  • You just may be a #catnut if: You have to use the motor home to take the 'kids' for a ride.
  • You just may be a #catnut if: You meow so well, you confuse the cats.
  • You just may be a #catnut if: You plan your vacation around the cat show schedule.
  • You just may be a #catnut if: You refer to going to the bathroom as using the litterbox.
  • You just may be a #catnut if: You save $938.43 by buying 9lives on sale at ten cents off per bag.
  • You just may be a #catnut if: You save $938.43 by buying 9lives on sale.
  • You just may be a #catnut if: You set a place at the dinner table for your cat.
  • You just may be a #catnut if: You sleep on one edge of the bed because the cat is sleeping in the middle looking soooo cute.
  • You just may be a #catnut if: You spend more money on toys for your cats than on the kids or grandkids.
  • You just may be a #catnut if: You think cat fur makes a wonderful garnish to any meal.
  • You just may be a #catnut if: You turn the spare room into a playroom for the cats.
  • You just may be a #catnut if: You would rather watch hours of boring infomercials than disturb the cat sleeping on the remote.
  • You just may be a #catnut if: Your arm goes to sleep because you don't want to disturb the cat.
  • You just may be a #catnut if: Your neighbors refer to you as the crazy one with all the cats.
  • You just may be a #catnut if: Your personal motto is: You can never have enough cats.
  • You just may be a #catnut if: you introduce your cat to your friends.
  • You just may be a #catnut if: you put off making the bed until the cat wakes up.
  • You just may be a #catnut if: you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cat when you move.
  • You just might be a redneck if: You go to the fmily reunions to find a date!
  • You just might have a southerner working for you if: His outgoing faxes have beer stains on them.
  • You just might have a southerner working for you if: The keyboard is camouflaged.
  • You just might have a southerner working for you if: The monitor is up on blocks.
  • You just might have a southerner working for you if: The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
  • You just might have a southerner working for you if: The six front keys have rotted out.
  • You just might have a southerner working for you if: There are Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
  • You just might have a southerner working for you if: There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
  • You know an ancestor of mine came over on the Mayflower. Really? Which rat was he?
  • You know horses are smarter than people. You never heard of a horse going broke betting on people. ~Will Rogers
  • You know how most packages say Open here. What is the protocol if the package says, Open somewhere else?
  • You know it's love when you can't fall asleep because reality is better than dreams.
  • You know that thing was obsolete by the time you got it out of the box right?
  • You know the worst thing about oral sex? The view.
  • You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going. (P. J. O-Rourke)
  • You laugh because I'm different, I laugh because your all the same.
  • You look familiar too, but that's not surprising, I collect bugs for a hobby.
  • You look like somebody shot at and missed, shit at and hit.
  • You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try. -Beverly Sills
  • You may delay, but time will not. -Benjamin Franklin
  • You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call failure is not the falling down, but the staying down.
  • You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call failure is not the falling down, but the staying down. (Mary Pickford)
  • You may have grown old, but you may not have grown up.
  • You may have seen a cat testing the size of an opening by careful measurement with the head.
  • You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you. -Walt Disney
  • You may pass violets looking for roses and contentment looking for victory.
  • You mean I can't update my sexy amazing picture
  • You mean I can't update my sexy amazing picture.
  • You might be a redneck if: Someone tells You they're "locked up" and You ask if they need bail money.
  • You might be a redneck if: When You tern your computer on you say, "Come OOOOOOON Betsy."
  • You might be a redneck if: When birds fly across your screen you reach for Your shotgun.
  • You might be a redneck if: You catch yourself trying to smell the little flower on your ICQ contact list.
  • You might be a redneck if: You give directions to a website that include a person, animal, or old barn.
  • You might be a redneck if: You go buy a surfboard to surf the net.
  • You might be a redneck if: You see the "shift" key and try to figure out how to change gears.
  • You might be a redneck if: You think ICQ is how smart your computer is.
  • You might be a redneck if: You think Mirabilis is a new brand of smokes.
  • You might be a redneck if: You think a hard drive is a trip to Uncle Bubba's.
  • You might be a redneck if: You think a mouse pad is where Mighty Mouse and his cousins hang.
  • You might be a redneck if: You think pushing the delete key will make your ol' lady disappear.
  • You might be a redneck if: You think screen saver is a new flavor o' candy.
  • You might be a redneck if: You think the "A drive" is where you park your pickup.
  • You might be a redneck if: You think the person that made your keyboard was dumb 'cuz the letters aren't in order.
  • You might be a redneck if: You think your homepage is where you really live.
  • You might be a redneck if: You try to figure out how to get your empty beer cans into the recycling bin.
  • You might be a redneck if: You try to turn on your computer with the remote.
  • You might be a redneck if: You use Your CD-ROM drive as a beer holder.
  • You might be a redneck if: You wait for the Bluelight special at K-Mart to buy your computer.
  • You might be a redneck if: You've ever been too drunk to chat.
  • You might be a redneck if: Your computer has a bumper sticker on it.
  • You must be the change you wish to see in the world. (Gandhi)
  • You must be the change you wish to see in the world. -Mahatma Gandhi
  • You must begin to think of yourself as becoming the person you want to be. -David Viscott
  • You must have long term goals to keep you from being frustrated by short term failures.
  • You must make your own opportunities. -John B. Gough
  • You must welcome change as the rule but not as your ruler. -Denis Waitley
  • You need to log on to the window repair website! I did - but it gave me a pane!
  • You never become a howling success by just howling. -Bob Harrington
  • You never find yourself until you face the truth. - Pearl Bailey
  • You never lose by loving, you only lose by holding back.
  • You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  • You only have one chance to make a first impression.
  • You only live once; but if you do it right, once is enough.
  • You own a dog, but .... you can only feed a cat.
  • You pay God a compliment by asking great things of Him. (Teresa of Avila)
  • You punch me, I punch back. I do not believe it's good for ones self-respect to be a punching bag. - Edward Koch
  • You so short you have to look up to look down.
  • You will be as much value to others as you have been to yourself. -Marcus T. Cicero
  • You will never "win" an argument concerning religion.
  • You win some, you lose some, you wreck some. -Dale Earnhardt
  • You! Out of the Gene Pool!
  • You'll always miss 100% of the shots you don't take. ~Wayne Gretzky
  • You'll never find a better sparring partner than adversity. -Walt Schmidt
  • You'll see things "you never knew you never knew.". -Disney's Pochahantas
  • You're Just Jealous because the Voices are talking To Me
  • You're a big internet fan, arn't you? Yes, I really get a buzz out of it!
  • You're in a much better position to talk with people when they approach you than when you approach them. -Pilgrims
  • You're in middle age when you realize you have more on your mind and less on your head.
  • You're just jealous because the Voices only talk to ME.
  • You're making a food order, not choosing life insurance.
  • You're never a loser until you quit trying. -Mike Ditka
  • You're never beaten until you admit it. -George S. Patton
  • You're not a real person until you're ignored by a cat.
  • You're not to be so blind with patriotism that you can't face reality. Wrong is wrong, no matter who does it or says it. -Malcolm X
  • You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. -Robin Williams
  • You're probably a cat - If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains.
  • You're probably a cat - If you can relax without liquor.
  • You're the only one who can make the difference. Whatever your dream is, go for it. -Earvin Magic Johnson
  • You've got to create a dream. You've got to uphold the dream. If you can't, go back to the factory or go back to the desk. -Eric Burdon
  • You've reached middle age when the phone rings on Saturday night, you pray it isn't for you.
  • You, too, can determine what you want. You can decide on your major objectives, targets, aims and destination.
  • Your College Sucks!
  • Your actions speak so loud that I can't hear what you're saying.
  • Your attitude is an expression of your values, beliefs and expectations. -Brian Tracy
  • Your attitude is the librarian of your past, the speaker of your present, and the prophet of your future!
  • Your best chance to get a Royal Flush in a casino is in the bathroom. ~V.P. Pappy
  • Your big opportunity may be right where you are now. -Napoleon Hill
  • Your bottom line starts with your front line. -John Villere
  • Your brain is that bodily organ which starts working the moment you awake and does not stop until you get into the office.
  • Your brain shall be your servant instead of your master. You will rule it instead of allowing it to rule you. -Charles E. Popplestone
  • Your cat is probably either a righty or a lefty. Only 40% of cats are ambidextrous while another 40% are either right-pawed or left-pawed.
  • Your cat loves you and can read your moods. If you're sad or under stress, you may also notice a difference in your cat's behavior.
  • Your current safe boundaries were once unknown frontiers.
  • Your face is such a mess, when you practice diving why don't you make sure the pool has water in next time.
  • Your face is such a mess, why don't you get your dog something different to chew on ?
  • Your face is very becoming. I'm becoming more and more ugly every time I see it.
  • Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you. -Elbert Hubbard
  • Your gene pool needs a little chlorine!
  • Your goal should be out of reach but not out of sight. -Anita Defrantz
  • Your goals, minus your doubts, equal your reality. -Ralph Marston
  • Your greatest resource is your time. -Brian Tracy
  • Your honor student swallows!
  • Your imagination, my dear fellow, is worth more than you imagine. -Louis Aragon
  • Your moms house is so poor I went to knock on her door and a roach tripped me and a rat took my wallet
  • Your mother was a thief - she stole the stars in heaven and put 'em into your eyes...
  • Your own mind is a sacred enclosure into which nothing harmful can enter except by your promotion.
  • Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
  • Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.
  • Your so boring, if you threw a boomerang, it wouldn't come back to you!
  • Your successes and happiness are forgiven you only if you generously consent to share them.
  • Youth is when we are always hunting greener pastures, and middle age is when we can barely mow the one we've got.
  • Youth wastes away, but immaturity can last a lifetime.
  • Zadok Rabinwitz~ A mans dreams are an index to his greatness.
  • Zeal is a volcano, the peak of which the grass of indecisiveness does not grow. -Kahlil Gibran
  • Zeal without knowledge is fire without light. -Thomas Fuller, M. D.
  • Zeal without knowledge is the sister of folly. - Sir John Davies
  • Zelda~ Nobody has ever measured even poets how much a heart can hold.
  • Zero to naked in 5 drinks flat!
  • Zero to naked in 5.1 beers.
  • Zig Ziglar~ The most important persuasion tool you have in your entire arsenal is integrity.
  • Zig Ziglar~ You can get everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want.
  • Ziggy~ You can complain because roses have thorns or you can rejoice because thorns have roses.
  • Zithers slither slowly south.
  • Zoo visitor: What's the new baby hippo's name? Hippopotamus keeper: I don't know, he won't tell me.
  • Zora Neale Hurston~ There is something about poverty that smells like death.
  • Zsa Zsa Gabor~ I know nothing about sex because I was always married.
  • Programming is like sex, one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life. - Michael Sinz

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