Tweet Messages Page 6

  • Thelma sings the theme song.
  • Then there was the Puerto Rican surgeon who made medical history. He performed the first appendix transplant.
  • Theodor Wiesengrund Adorno~ Intolerance of ambiguity is the mark of an authoritarian personality.
  • Theodore Herman Albert Dreiser~ Religion is a bandage that man has invented to protect a soul made bloody by circumstance.
  • Theodore Hesburgh~ The very essence of leadership is that you have to have a vision.
  • Theodore Ledyard Cuyler~ Every step toward Christ kills a doubt. Every thought word and deed for Him carries you away from discouragement.
  • Theodore Roosevelt~ A man who is good enough to shed his blood for his country is good enough to be given a square deal afterwards.
  • Theodore Roosevelt~ Do what you can with what you have where you are.
  • Theodore Roosevelt~ Dont hit at all if it is honorably possible to avoid hitting but never hit soft
  • Theodore Roosevelt~ I wish that all Americans would realize that American politics is world politics.
  • Theodore Roosevelt~ Speak softly and carry a big stick you will go far.
  • Theodore Roosevelt~ The most important single ingredient in the formula of success is knowing how to get along with people.
  • Theodore Roosevelt~ When you play play hard when you work dont play at all.
  • Theodore Ruskin~ The highest reward for a mans toil is not what he gets for it but what he becomes by it.
  • There are 10 types of people in the country, those who understand binary and those who don't.
  • There are 3 kinds of people: Those who can count & those who can't.
  • There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
  • There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.
  • There are no big problems, there are just a lot of little problems. -Henry Ford
  • There are no great men, only great challenges that ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet.
  • There are no great men, only great challenges that ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet. -William F. Halsey
  • There are no great things, only small things with great love. Happy are those. -Mother Theresa
  • There are no limitations to the mind except those we acknowledge. -Napoleon Hill
  • There are no passengers on spaceship Earth- we are all the crew.
  • There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure. -Colin Powell
  • There are not enough hours in the day for all the bitching I need to do.
  • There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men:don't and stop.
  • There are some days I practice positive thinking. And other days I'm not positive, I am thinking.
  • There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
  • There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't.
  • There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself; hire someone; or forbid your kids to do it.
  • There are tiny, parasitic worms that can live in a cat's stomach. These worms cause frequent vomiting.
  • There are two kinds of failures: those who thought and never did, and those who did and never thought. -Laurence J. Peter
  • There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.
  • There are two means of refuge from the misery of life - music and cats. - Albert Schweitzer
  • There are two primary choices in life; to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them. -Denis Waitley
  • There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
  • There are two species of wild Cats in African and Europe that still hunt. These two species both resemble the domestic tabbies.
  • There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.
  • There are two things people want more than sex and money... recognition and praise. -Mary Kay Ash
  • There are two types of people in this world: those who leave a mark, and others who just leave a stain.
  • There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. (Albert Einstein)
  • There are winners, there are losers and there are people who have not yet learned how to win. -Les Brown
  • There is a calmness to a life lived in gratitude, a quiet joy. -Ralph H. Blum
  • There is a difference between ignorance and stupidity. Ignorance can be cured by learning and reading. Stupidity isn't willing to be cured.
  • There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path! (Morpheous)
  • There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Battering Ram Barbie . . . Barbie's head on the end of a battering ram
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Bugs Barbie . . . buck teeth, long ears
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Chernobyl Barbie . . . glows in the dark
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Crash Test Barbie . . . comes with car and brick wall
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Cyberpunk Barbie . . . includes 'trodes and implants
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - East German Swim Team Barbie . . . a Barbie head on a Ken doll
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Easter Island Barbie . . . the famous statue with blonde hair
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - FrankenBarbie . . . comes with bolts through her neck
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Funeral Home Barbie . . . complete with hearse, coffin and kicky little shroud
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Gangsta Barbie . . . complete set of Raiders apparel; rap cassette included
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Hockey Barbie . . . comes with hockey stick and missing teeth
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Kleptomaniac Barbie . . . doll with suction cup hands
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Militant Femminist Barbie . . . with an assault rifle
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Mortal Kombat Barbie . . . includes more blood than you can even imagine
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Sumo Barbie . . . comes with thong
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Tonya Harding Barbie . . . you didn't think we'd sell one without the other, did you?
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Trailer Trash Barbie . . . complete with double wide trailer home
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Tree Hugger Barbie . . . pull the string and she spouts environmentalist rhetoric
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Venus de Milo Barbie . . . made of rock; no head, no arms
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Witch Doctor Barbie . . . with potions and face paints
  • There is a time to take counsel of your fears, and there is a time to never listen to any fear. -George S. Patton
  • There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one. - Jack Yelton
  • There is always a touch of sadness around the most beautiful things in life !. - Bhalchandra
  • There is always a way-if you're committed. -Anthony Robbins
  • There is always something to be thankful for. If you can't pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.
  • There is always something to be thankful for. If you can't pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.(E.C. McKenzie)
  • There is but one cause of human failure. And that is man's lack of faith in his true self. -William James
  • There is but one good throw upon the dice, which is, to throw them away.
  • There is enough energy wasted in poker to make a hundred thousand successful men every year.
  • There is more meat on a chicken's forehead!
  • There is never a better measure of what a person is than what he does when he's absolutely free to choose. -William M Bulger
  • There is never a right way to do the wrong thing.
  • There is no "I" in team, but there is a "ME".
  • There is no chance, no destiny, no fate, That can circumvent or hinder or control, The firm resolve of a determined soul.
  • There is no course of life so weak and sottish as that which is managed by order, method, and discipline. - Paula Poundstone
  • There is no end. There is no beginning. There is only the infinite passion of life. -Frederico Fellini
  • There is no future in spending the present worrying about the past.
  • There is no higher religion than human service. To work for the common good is the greatest creed. -Woodrow Wilson
  • There is no man living who isn't capable of doing more than he thinks he can do. -Henry Ford
  • There is no more beautiful life than that of a student. - F. Albrecht
  • There is no must in art because art is free. -Wassily Kandinsky
  • There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in his home. - Jeff Raskin
  • There is no respect for others without humility in one's self. -Henri Frederic Amiel
  • There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. -Mark Twain
  • There is no security on this earth, there is only opportunity. -General Douglas Macarthur
  • There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
  • There is no such thing as a self-made man. You will reach your goals only with the help of others. -George Shinn
  • There is no such thing as luck. - from Star Wars
  • There is no way of keeping profits up but by keeping wages down. - David Ricardo
  • There is no way to prosperity, prosperity is the way. -Wayne Dyer
  • There is nothing better than the encouragement of a good friend. -Katharine Butler Hathaway
  • There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered. - Christopher Morley
  • There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered. -Nelson Mandela
  • There is nothing lost or wasted in this life. -Bhagavad-gita
  • There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting. -Mark Twain
  • There is nothing that fear and hope does not permit men to do. -Marquis De Vauvenargues
  • There is nothing wrong in having nothing to say, unless you insist on saying it.
  • There is nothing wrong with people possessing riches. The wrong comes when riches possess people.
  • There is nothing wrong with people possessing riches. The wrong comes when riches possess people. ( Billy Graham)
  • There is only on thing more painful than learning from experience and that is not learning from experience.
  • There is only one kind of love, but there are a thousand imitations. - Antoine De Saint-exupery
  • There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
  • There is something that is much more scarce, something rarer than ability. It is the ability to recognize ability. -Robert Half
  • There is something to that old saying that hate injures the hater, not the hated. -Pilgrims
  • There is the greatest practical benefit in making a few failures early in life. -Thomas Henry Huxley
  • There is truth in humor, but not humor in truth.
  • There is, incidentally, no way of talking about cats that enables one to come off as a sane person. - Dan Greenberg
  • There lies more faith in honest doubt, believe me, than in half the creeds. -Lord Alfred Tennyson
  • There never was a great soul that did not have some divine inspiration. -Marcus Tullius Cicero
  • There was a minimum of cinnamon in the aluminum pan.
  • There was never an angry man that thought his anger unjust. - St. Francis De Sales
  • There would be no passion in this world if we never had to fight for what we love. - Susie Switzer
  • There's a sandwich on the sand which was sent by a sane witch.
  • There's a sucker reborn every minute - PT Robertson
  • There's more than one way to kill a cat than choking it with butter.
  • There's more than one way to skin a cat - There is more than one way to accomplish a task.
  • There's never a new fashion but it's old. - The Canterbury Tales. - Chaucer
  • There's no business like show business, but there's no job like a blowjob.
  • There's no future in time travel.
  • There's no scarcity of opportunity to make a living at what you love. There is only a scarcity of resolve to make it happen. -Wayne Dyer
  • There's no sentence that's too short in the eyes of God. -William Zinsser
  • There's no substitute for guts. -Paul Bear Bryant
  • There's nobody "out there." It's all in here. -Mal Pancoast
  • There's not a whole lot of new atoms out there. -Denny Mcdonough
  • There's nothing like a Catholic wedding to make you wish life had a fast forward button. - Daniel Chopin
  • There's one in every crowd and they always find me.
  • There's only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self. -Aldous Huxley
  • There's the light at the end of the the Windows.
  • There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
  • There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
  • There's too much youth; how about a fountain of smart.
  • Theres Something About Mary~ Pat Healy Those goofy bastards are about the best thing Ive got going.
  • These settings will have no effect until you restart the system.
  • These thousand tricky tongue twisters trip thrillingly off the tongue
  • These two blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would have seen it.
  • They are able because they think they are able.
  • They are borne along by the violence of their rage, and think it is a waste of time to ask who are guilty. - Lucanus
  • They are eloquent who can speak low things acutely, and of great things with dignity, and of moderate things with temper. - Marcus T. Cicero
  • They are happiest who have power to gather wisdom from a flower.
  • They are happiest who have power to gather wisdom from a flower. (Mary Howitt)
  • They are the new breed of slot machine-colorful, fancy, exciting, wonderful...and deadly. - Frank Scoblete
  • They are the new breed of slot machine-colorful, fancy, exciting, wonderful...and deadly. -Frank Scoblete
  • They can because they think they can. -Virgil
  • They cannot take away our self-respect if we do not give it to them. -Mahatma Gandhi
  • They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum
  • They never fail who die in a great cause. -George Gordon, Lord Byron
  • They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
  • They that sow in tears shall reap joy. [Psalms 126:5]. - Bible
  • They're Lying
  • They're not going to grow bananas any longer. Really? Why not? Because they're long enough already.
  • They're perfectly matched. He's blinded by love and her looks are out of sight!
  • Thich Nhat Hanh~ Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.
  • Things may come to those who wait, but only things left by those who hustle. -Abraham Lincoln
  • Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least. -Goethe
  • Think like a man of action, act like a man of thought.
  • Think lovingly, speak lovingly, act lovingly, and every need shall be supplied. -James Allen
  • Think no vice so small that you may commit it, and no virtue so small that you may over look it. - Confucius
  • Think this looks bad? You should see the front.
  • Think twice before burdening a friend with a secret. -Marlene Dietrich
  • Thinking is easy, acting is difficult, and to put one's thoughts into action is the most difficult thing in the world. -Goethe
  • Thinking is more stinking than drinking, but to feel is for real. -Sufi Sam
  • Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is the probable reason so few engage in it. -Henry Ford
  • Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber .
  • This Is Spinal Tap~ Nigel Its like how much more black could this be and the answer is none. None more black.
  • This birthday cake certainly is crunchy. Maybe you should spit out the plate!
  • This blonde is so stupid, she called me to get my telephone number!
  • This car is like my husband, if it ain't yours don't touch it!
  • This is my other car!
  • This is the sixth zebra snoozing thoroughly.
  • This is your brain (Pentacle) This is your brain on drugs (Inverted Pentacle)
  • This man says to his friend, I stopped driving 10 years ago. Now my wife drives and I just sit there and hold the wheel.
  • This may not be the Mayflower, but your daughter came across in it.
  • This one step - choosing a goal and sticking to it - changes everything.
  • This one step - choosing a goal and sticking to it - changes everything. - Scott Reed
  • This problem, too, will look simple after it is solved. - Charles Francis Kettering
  • This time like all times is a very good one if we but know what to do with it. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • This vehicle is insured by Smith&Wesson.
  • Thisisallyoucanreallygetwhenyourspacebarisbrokenandnooneisaroundtofixitforyou!
  • Thom Barber~ Life is too long not to be happy.
  • Thomas Alva Edison~ Genius is inspiration and perspiration.
  • Thomas Alva Edison~ Many of lifes failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
  • Thomas Alva Edison~ Results Why man I have gotten a lot of results. I know several thousand things that wont work.
  • Thomas Alva Edison~ There is no expedient to which a man will not go to avoid the labor of thinking.
  • Thomas B. Macaulay~ It is possible to be below flattery as well as above it.
  • Thomas Babington~ Men are never so likely to settle a question rightly as when they discuss it freely.
  • Thomas Campbell~ Cease every joy to glimmer on my mind But leave - -oh leave the light of Hope behind.
  • Thomas Carlyle~ A vein of poetry exists in the hearts of all men.
  • Thomas Carlyle~ Enjoy things which are pleasant that is not the evil it is the reducing of our moral self to slavery by them that is.
  • Thomas Carlyle~ Men do less than they ought unless they do all that they can.
  • Thomas Carlyle~ Nothing that was worthy in the past departs no truth or goodness realized by man ever dies or can die.
  • Thomas Carlyle~ One life - a little gleam of Time between two Eternities.
  • Thomas Carlyle~ Our main business is not to see what lies dimly at a distance but to do what lies clearly at hand.
  • Thomas Carlyle~ That there should one Man die ignorant who had capacity for Knowledge this I call a tragedy.
  • Thomas Carlyle~ The greatest of faults I should say is to be conscious of none.
  • Thomas Fuller~ A gift with a kind countenance is a double present.
  • Thomas Fuller~ A good friend is my nearest relation.
  • Thomas Fuller~ All things are difficult before they are easy.
  • Thomas Fuller~ Be not extravagantly high in expression of thy commendations of men thou likest it may make the hearers stomach rise.
  • Thomas Fuller~ Care and diligence bring luck.
  • Thomas Fuller~ Get the facts or the facts will get you. And when you get them get them right or they will get you wrong.
  • Thomas Fuller~ Health is not valued till sickness comes.
  • Thomas Fuller~ If thou are a master be sometimes blind if a servant sometimes deaf.
  • Thomas Fuller~ Learning makes a man fit company for himself.
  • Thomas Fuller~ Many would be cowards if they had courage enough.
  • Thomas Fuller~ One that would have the fruit must climb the tree.
  • Thomas Fuller~ Rigid justice is the greatest injustice.
  • Thomas Fuller~ Trust thyself only and another shall not betray thee.
  • Thomas Haliburton~ Wherever there is authority there is a natural inclination to disobedience.
  • Thomas Hardy~ A mans silence is wonderful to listen to.
  • Thomas Hardy~ A resolution to avoid an evil is seldom framed till the evil is so far advanced as to make avoidance impossible.
  • Thomas Hardy~ The fundamental error of their matrimonial union that of having based a permanent contract on a temporary feeling.
  • Thomas Hobbes~ Leisure is the mother of philosophy.
  • Thomas Hobbes~ Such truth as opposeth no mans profit nor pleasure is to all men welcome.
  • Thomas Huxley~ Make up your mind to act decidedly and take the consequences. No good is ever done in this world by hesitation.
  • Thomas Huxley~ Only one absolute certainty is possible to man namely that at any given moment the feeling which he has exists.
  • Thomas Huxley~ The great tragedy of science - the slaying of a beautiful hypothesis by an ugly fact.
  • Thomas Jefferson~ Advertisements... contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
  • Thomas Jefferson~ It is error alone which needs the support of government. Truth can stand by itself.
  • Thomas Jefferson~ No government ought to be without censors & where the press is free no one ever will.
  • Thomas Jefferson~ Nothing gives one person so much advantage over another as to remain always cool and unruffled under all circumstances.
  • Thomas Jefferson~ One man with courage is a majority.
  • Thomas Jefferson~ Our liberty depends on the freedom of the press and that cannot be limited without being lost.
  • Thomas Jefferson~ Peace and friendship with all mankind is our wisest policy and I wish we may be permitted to pursue it.
  • Thomas Jefferson~ Peace commerce and honest friendship with all nations entangling alliances with none.
  • Thomas Jefferson~ The beauty of the second amendment is that it will not be needed until they try to take it.
  • Thomas Jefferson~ Walking is the best possible exercise. Habituate yourself to walk very far.
  • Thomas Jefferson~ When a man has cast his longing eye on offices a rottenness begins in his conduct.
  • Thomas Jefferson~ When you reach the end of your rope tie a knot in it and hang on.
  • Thomas John Watson Sr.~ If you want to increase your success rate double your failure rate.
  • Thomas John Watson Sr.~ The ability to ask the right question is more than half the battle of finding the answer.
  • Thomas Neill~ Of those who say nothing few are silent.
  • Thomas Paine~ Belief in a cruel God makes a cruel man.
  • Thomas Paine~ Government even in its best state is but a necessary evil in its worst state an intolerable one.
  • Thomas Paine~ Such is the irresistible nature of truth that all it asks and all it wants is the liberty of appearing.
  • Thomas Paine~ The world is my country all mankind are my brethren and to do good is my religion.
  • Thomas Paine~ When we are planning for posterity we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.
  • Thomas Peters~ Formula for success Underpromise and overdeliver.
  • Thomas Peters~ If a window of opportunity appears dont pull down the shade.
  • Thomas Secker~ If you would not step into the harlots house do not go by the harlots door.
  • Thomas Sowell~ There are only two ways of telling the complete truth - anonymously and posthumously.
  • Thomas Tusser~ Make hunger thy sauce as a medicine for health.
  • Thomas a Kempis~ Carry the cross patiently and with perfect submission and in the end it shall carry you.
  • Thomas a Kempis~ Love flies runs and rejoices it is free and nothing can hold it back.
  • Thornton Wilder~ Life is an unbroken succession of false situations.
  • Thornton~ My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither but just enjoy your ice cream while its on your plate - thats my philosophy.
  • Thorstein Veblen~ No one travelling on a business trip would be missed if he failed to arrive.
  • Thorstein Veblen~ The outcome of any serious research can only be to make two questions grow where only one grew before.
  • Those are the breaks ( dems da breaks).
  • Those who are at war with others are seldom at peace with themselves.
  • Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.
  • Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, HACK!
  • Those who claim to always be right, are always wrong about atleast one thing. - Tala Fane
  • Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart, don't know how to laugh either. (Golda Meir)
  • Those who do not plan for the future have to live through it anyway.
  • Those who make the worse use of their time are the first to complain of its shortness. -Jean De La Bruyere
  • Those who race through life finish first. (Darrel Hunsbedt)
  • Those who say it can't be done are usually interrupted by others doing it.
  • Those who talk don't know, those who know don't talk......
  • Thou ought to be nice, even to superstition, in keeping thy promises, and therefore equally cautious in making them. - Thomas Fuller
  • Thou shalt run lint frequently and study its pronouncements with care, for verily its perception and judgement oft exceed thine.
  • Though no one can go back and make a brand new start my friend, anyone can start from now and make a brand new end. -Carl Bard
  • Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. (Carl Bard)
  • Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. -Carl Bard
  • Though rare, cats can contract canine heart worms.
  • Thoughtfulness for others, generosity, modesty and self-respect are the qualities which make a real gentleman or lady. -Thomas H. Huxley
  • Thoughts create a new heaven, a new firmament, a new source of energy, from which new arts flow. -Philipus Aureolus Paracelsus
  • Thoughts lead to acts. Acts lead to habits. Habits lead to character. And our character will determine our eternal destiny.
  • Thoughts lead to acts.Acts lead to habits.Habits lead to character.And our character will determine our eternal destiny.
  • Three blondes walked into a bar. You'd think that one of them would have seen it.
  • Three free throws.
  • Three great essentials to achieve anything worthwhile are, first, hard work; second, stick-toitiveness; third, common sense.
  • Three short sword sheaths.
  • Three to four weeks old is when the kittens will start to explore their world.
  • Three twigs twined tightly.
  • Through meditation and by giving full attention to one thing at a time, we can learn to direct attention where we choose. - Eknath Easwaran
  • Tie twine to three tree twigs.
  • Tighter than Dick's hat band.
  • Tim McGraw~ We all take different paths in life but no matter where we go we take a little of each other everywhere.
  • Tim Robbins~ Every man dies. Not every man lives.
  • Tim, the thin twin tinsmith
  • Time and memory are true artists; they remold reality nearer to the heart's desire. -John Dewey
  • Time and money spent in helping men do more for themselves is far better than mere giving.
  • Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
  • Time is equal to life; therefore, waste your time and waste of your life, or master your time and master your life. -Alan Lakein
  • Time is like money, the less we have of it to spare the further we make it go. -Josh Billings
  • Time is our most valuable asset, yet we tend to waste it, kill it, and spend it rather than invest it.
  • Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
  • Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend. -Laertius Diogenes
  • Time is the wisest counsellor. -Pericles
  • Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
  • Time spent with cats is never wasted.
  • Time stays long enough for anyone who will use it. -Leonardo Da Vinci
  • Time you enjoyed wasting is not wasted time. -T. S. Elliot
  • Timothy Leary~ Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
  • Timothy Leary~ You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.
  • Titus Livius~ Greater is our terror of the unknown.
  • Titus Livius~ Many difficulties which nature throws in our way may be smoothed away by the exercise of intelligence.
  • Titus Livius~ Men are only clever at shifting blame from their own shoulders to those of others.
  • Titus Livius~ We fear things in proportion to our ignorance of them.
  • Titus Maccius Plautus~ Not by age but by capacity is wisdom acquired.
  • Titus Maccius Plautus~ Nothing is more wretched than the mind of a man conscious of guilt.
  • To a Cat, People are just Furniture that does Tricks.
  • To achieve, you need thought. You have to know what you are doing and that's real power. -Ayn Rand
  • To acquire knowledge, one must study; but to acquire wisdom, one must observe. -Marilyn vos Savant
  • To all you virgins out there, thanks for nothing!
  • To be able to look back upon one's past life with satisfaction is to live twice. -Martial
  • To be able to say how much love, is love but little. - Agnes Repplier
  • To be content with little is hard; to be content with much is impossible. (Marie Ebner-Eschenbach)
  • To be full of things is to be empty of God. To be empty of things is to be full of God. -Meister Eckhart
  • To be prepared is half the victory. -Miguel Cervantes
  • To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
  • To climb steep hills requires slow pace at first. -William Shakespeare
  • To command is to serve, nothing more and nothing less. - Andre Malraux
  • To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. To not dare is to lose oneself. ~Soren Kierkegaard
  • To do is to be - Marx. Do be do be do - Sinatra.
  • To do two things at once is to do neither.
  • To dream of the person you would like to be is to waste the person you are. (Sholem Asch)
  • To enjoy the things we ought and to hate the things we ought has the greatest bearing on excellence of character. -Aristotle
  • To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
  • To err is human; but to really mess things up requires a computer.
  • To exist is to change; to change is to mature; to mature is to create oneself endlessly. -Henri Bergson
  • To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead. -Bertrand Russell
  • To find a fault is easy; to do better may be difficult. -Plutarch
  • To find out what one is fitted to do and to secure an opportunity to do it is the key to happiness.
  • To forgive calls upon our love-- to forget calls upon our strength.
  • To get rich never your risk your health. For it is the truth that health is the wealth of wealth.
  • To get what you want; stop doing what isn't working. -Dennis Weaver
  • To give without any reward, or any notice, has a special quality of its own. -Anne Morrow Lindbergh
  • To go forward, you must backup.
  • To handle yourself, use your head; to handle others, use your heart. -Donald Laird
  • To have joy one must share it. Happiness was born a twin. -Lord Byron
  • To have one's individuality completely ignored is like being pushed quite out of life - like being blown out as one blows out a light.
  • To have striven, to have made the effort, to have been true to certain ideals - this alone is worth the struggle. -William Penn
  • To hell with the Baptists. I'm going to Disneyland.
  • To improve the golden moment of opportunity and catch the good that is within our reach is the great art of life.
  • To know just what has to be done, then to do it, comprises the whole philosophy of practical life. -Sir William Osler
  • To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die. -Clyde Campbell
  • To love a person is to learn the song that is in their heart, and to sing it to them when they have forgotten. (Garborg)
  • To love another person is to see the face of God. - Lyster
  • To love what you do and feel that it matters - how could anything be more fun? -Katherine Graham
  • To love what you do and feel that it matters-how could anything be more fun. -Katherine Graham
  • To make one good action succeed another, is the perfection of goodness. - Ali Ibn-abi-talib
  • To make pleasures pleasant shorten them. - Charles Buxton
  • To make your cat's scratching post more inviting, try rubbing catnip on the material that covers it.
  • To me every hour of the day and night is an unspeakably perfect miracle. -Walt Whitman
  • To me every hour of the light and dark is a miracle. Every cubic inch of space is a miracle. -Walt Whitman
  • To measure the man, measure his heart. -Malcolm Stevenson Forbes
  • To persevere, trusting in what hopes he has, is courage in a man. -Euripides
  • To purr, cats use extra tissue in the larynx (voice box). This tiuue vibrates when they purr.
  • To reach a great height a person needs to have great depth. -Anonymous
  • To really know someone is to have loved and hated him in turn. - Marcel Jouhandeau
  • To reform a man, you must begin with his grandmother. (Victor Hugo)
  • To respond is positive, to react is negative. -Zig Ziglar
  • To simplify complications is the first essential of success. - George Earle Buckle
  • To start your cat collection, simply open a can of tuna.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  • To strive with an equal is dangerous; with a superior, mad; with an inferior, degrading. - Seneca
  • To succeed means that you may have to step out of line and march to the sound of your own drummer. - Keith Degreen
  • To succeed... You need to find something to hold on to, something to motivate you, something to inspire you. -Tony Dorsett
  • To the degree we're not living our dreams; our comfort zone has more control of us than we have over ourselves. -Peter McWilliams
  • To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world.
  • To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man. -William Shakespeare
  • To think too long about doing a thing often becomes its undoing. -Eva Young
  • To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do. -Kahlil Gibran
  • To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to. -Kahlil Gibran
  • To whom much is given, much is required. -John F Kennedy
  • To withdraw myself from myself has ever been my sole, my entire, my sincere motive in scribbling at all. -Lord Byron
  • To you its a 6 pack, To me its a support group.
  • Tobias Wolff~ We are made to persist. Thats how we find out who we are.
  • Tod Johnson~ The farther it gets from the bench it was worked on the more real the real world becomes.
  • Today I saw a baby who had put on five stone in weight in two weeks by drinking elephant's milk. Whose baby was it? The elephant's!
  • Today is my twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. Really? Yes, I've been married twenty-five times!
  • Today's beautiful moments are tomorrow's beautiful memories.
  • Today, be aware of how you are spending your 1,440 beautiful moments, and spend them wisely. -Unknown Author
  • Today, you have 100% of your life left. -Tom Hopkins
  • Tolerance implies no lack of commitment to one's own beliefs. Rather it condemns the oppression or persecution of others. -John F. Kennedy
  • Tolkien is Hobbit-forming.
  • Tom Hanks~ The prejudice surrounding AIDS exacts a social death which precedes the actual physical one.
  • Tom J. Connelly~ He who asks a question may be a fool for five minutes but he who never asks a question remains a fool forever.
  • Tom Landry~ Setting a goal is not the main thing. It is deciding how you will go about achieving it and staying with that plan.
  • Tom Lehrer~ I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man and I hate people like that
  • Tom Robbins~ Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business.
  • Tom Robbins~ To achieve the impossible it is precisely the unthinkable that must be thought.
  • Tom Stoppard~ I agree with everything you say but I would attack to the death your right to say it.
  • Tom Stoppard~ The days of the digital watch are numbered.
  • Tom Stoppard~ The truth is always a compound of two half- truths and you never reach it because there is always something more to say.
  • Tom Wolfe~ A cult is a religion with no political power.
  • Tom: What did the banana say to the elephant? Nick: I don't know. Tom: Nothing. Bananas can't talk.
  • Tommy Bolt~ Never break your putter and your driver in the same round or youre dead.
  • Tommy Boy~ Tommy If I wanted a kiss Id call your mother.
  • Tommy Lasorda~ The difference between the impossible and the possible lies in determination.
  • Tommy Smothers~ Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat THATS bad for you
  • Tommy Smothers~ The only valid censorship of ideas is the right of people not to listen.
  • Toni Cade Bambara~ Take away the miseries and you take away some folks reason for living.
  • Toni Cade Bambera~ The most effective way to do it is to do it.
  • Toni Morrison~ Im a controversial figure. My friends either dislike me or hate me.
  • Toni Morrison~ Love is or it aint. Thin love aint love at all.
  • Tony Blair has been a petroplutocrat pal a petroplutocrat pol God give him a Road to Damascus experience today. - Krodha Vakishwari
  • Too bad stupidity isn't painful.
  • Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears. -Les Brown
  • Too much Sanity is madness, but the madest of all is to see life as it is and not as it should be.
  • Too much of a good thing is wonderful. -Mae West
  • Tough times gets you real friends and others get you tough times.
  • Tough times never last but tough people do. -Robert Schuller
  • Tough times never last, but tough people do. -Dr. Robert Schuller
  • Tourist: The flies are awfully thick around here. Don't you ever shoo them? Native: No, we just let them go barefoot.
  • Tower: Cannot read you, say again! Pilot: Again!
  • Tower: Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago? Pilot: Negativ, Sir. It's only the same pilot.
  • Tradition is a guide not a jailer. (W. Somerset Maugham)
  • Tragedy strategy.
  • Transformation literally means going beyond your form. -Wayne Dyer
  • Traveler there is no trail you blaze the trail as you travel.
  • Traveler there is no trail you blaze the trail as you travel. (Xochitl Garza)
  • Travis Walton~ The truth of course is that a billion falsehoods told a billion times by a billion people are still false.
  • Treasure the love you receive above all. It will survive long after your gold and good health have vanished. -Og Mandingo
  • Treat anger like gold. Spend it wisely or not at all.
  • Treat people as if they were what they should be, and you help them become what they are capable of becoming.
  • Trevor Rook~ There are three rings in marriage. The engagement ring... The wedding ring... and the suffering.
  • Trisha Yearwood~ Whats meant to be will always find a way.
  • Triumph is "umph" added to try.
  • Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earning his salt that he forgets his sugar.
  • Trouble is a part of your life, and if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you a chance to love you enough.
  • Trouble is a part of your life, and if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you a chance to love you enough. (Dinah Shore)
  • Trouble is only opportunity in work clothes.
  • Trouble is only opportunity in work clothes. -Henry J. Kaiser
  • True courage is a result of reasoning. A brave mind is always impregnable. -Jeremy Collier
  • True dignity is never gained by place, and never lost when honors are withdrawn. - Philip Massinger
  • True enjoyment comes from activity of the mind and exercise of the body; the two are ever united. -Humboldt
  • True friendship brings sunshine to the shade, and shade to the sunshine -Thomas Burke
  • True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable.
  • True happiness is not attained through self gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose. -Helen Keller
  • Truman Capote~ I believe more in the scissors than I do in the pencil.
  • Truman Capote~ Young men think old men are fools but old men know young men are fools.
  • Trust in Allah, but tie up your camel.
  • Trust in God. She will provide.
  • Truth and History involve nothing more than convincing the masses that you are right. - Jon R. Sime
  • Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now-always. -Albert Schweitzer
  • Truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it and ignorance may deride it, but, in the end, there it is. -Sir Winston Churchill
  • Truth is not determined by majority vote. (Doug Gwyn)
  • Truth is the most powerful force on earth because it cannot be changed. (Mike Murdock)
  • Truthfulness is the main element of character. -Brian Tracy
  • Try hanging an orange or lemon scented air freshener in the inner branches of your Christmas tree, if your cat is a seasonal climber.
  • Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value. - Albert Einstein
  • Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value. -Albert Einstein
  • Tryon Edwards~ Between two evils choose neither between two goods choose both.
  • Tryon Edwards~ He who can suppress a moments anger may prevent a day of sorrow.
  • Tryon Edwards~ To waken interest and kindle enthusiasm is the sure way to teach easily and successfully.
  • Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.
  • Tupac Shakur~ Reality is wrong. Dreams are for real.
  • Turn it around the horn (baseball cliche.
  • Turn your scars into stars. -Robert Schuller
  • Turtle to turtle: Don't ya just love the sound of rain on your roof?
  • Twelve standard stainless steel twin screw cruisers.
  • Twelve twins twirled twelve twigs.
  • Twenty-four hours in a day. . . twenty-four beers in a case. . . coincidence?
  • Twice we tripped toys.
  • Twitter Noob Lonely :(
  • Two Scots, father and son, go to America. - Daddy, when we'll arrive? - Shut up and swim.
  • Two astronauts went to a bar on the moon, but they left after a few minutes? You see, it had no atmosphere!
  • Two brothers were discussing Adam and Eve. The 8-year-old asked: "How did Adam and Eve die?"And the 4-year-old said: "They ate bad fruit.".
  • Two great things you can give your children: one is roots, the other is wings. -Hodding Carter
  • Two kinds of gratitude: The sudden kind we feel for what we take; the larger kind we feel for what we give. -Edwin Arlington Robinson
  • Two kinds of people: Those who finish what they start and ...
  • Two mosquitoes were buzzing round when they saw a drunken man. One said to the other, You bite him? I'm driving.
  • Two parrots are sitting on a perch. The first one says to the other can you smell fish? .
  • Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
  • Two souls with but a single thought, Two hearts that beat as one. - Fredrich Halm
  • Two things a man should never be angry at: what he can help, and what he cannot help. Clarendon -Thomas Fuller. - Thomas Fuller
  • Two tiny tigers take two taxis to town.
  • Two toads, totally tired.
  • Two tried and true tridents
  • Two's a company, three's a crowd.
  • Type cat vmlinuz > /dev/audio to hear the Voice of God.
  • Typos? Blame my cat.
  • URLs are the 800 numbers of the 1990's. - Chris Clark
  • US Navy uses NT. Saddam, Gadafi, it's party time!
  • Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
  • Ultimately, the only power to which man should aspire is that which he exercises over himself. -Elie Wiesel
  • Ulysses S. Grant~ Labor disgraces no man unfortunately you occasionally find men disgrace labor.
  • Ulysses~ It is as painful perhaps to be awakened from a vision as to be born.
  • Unborn Babies Are People, Too
  • Under Republicans, man exploits man. Under Democrats, it's exactly the opposite!
  • Unicorns aren't mythical ... virgins are!
  • Unix: Where /sbin/init is still Job 1.
  • Unknown~ A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  • Unknown~ A friend is someone who stays in when the rest of the world has gone out.
  • Unknown~ A hero is an ordinary person who performs an ordinary task In an extraordinary situation.
  • Unknown~ A memory is a photograph taken by the heart to make a special moment last forever.
  • Unknown~ All I want to do is to minister to someone And if I do that Then the Lords work in me has been done.
  • Unknown~ An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
  • Unknown~ Anyone who uses the phrase easy as taking candy from a baby has never tried taking candy from a baby.
  • Unknown~ Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  • Unknown~ Barnum was wrong - its more like every seconds.
  • Unknown~ Big men become big by doing what they didnt want to do when they didnt want to do it.
  • Unknown~ Character is what you are when no one is looking.
  • Unknown~ Count your life by smiles not tears. Count your age by friends not years.
  • Unknown~ Dont worry if youre a kleptomaniac you can always take something for it.
  • Unknown~ Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
  • Unknown~ Everyone is entitled to be stupid but some abuse the privilege.
  • Unknown~ Fools rush in where fools have been before.
  • Unknown~ Friends are angels that lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.
  • Unknown~ Friendship is the only cement that will hold the world together.
  • Unknown~ Great minds think independently not alike.
  • Unknown~ He who loses faith loses all.
  • Unknown~ Hes the kind of a guy who lights up a room just by flicking a switch.
  • Unknown~ I believe in livin a life less ordinary... Yet extraordinary.
  • Unknown~ I have not lost my mind - its backed up on disk somewhere.
  • Unknown~ If an artist is not able to commit himself totally to his art how can he expect the world to do so
  • Unknown~ If someone breaks your heart forgive them. For they have helped you leard an important lesson on who you open your heart to.
  • Unknown~ If you love someone put their name in a circle because hearts can be broken but circles never end.
  • Unknown~ It is by chance we met by choice we became friends.
  • Unknown~ It is impossible to better yourself if you do not know what it means to be better.
  • Unknown~ It is not doing the things we like to do But liking the things we have to do That makes life blessed.
  • Unknown~ J.F.K. - The Man and the Airport
  • Unknown~ Just once I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasnt immune to bullets.
  • Unknown~ Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you get all wet.
  • Unknown~ Love is blind friendship closes its eyes.
  • Unknown~ Many an opportunity is lost because a man is out looking for four-leaf clovers.
  • Unknown~ Most everything in my brain someone else helped put there.
  • Unknown~ Never complain about growing old Because so many never get the chance
  • Unknown~ Never deprive someone of hope - it may be all they have.
  • Unknown~ No good plan survives contact with the enemy.
  • Unknown~ On Truth and Happiness........ The search is over as we begin.
  • Unknown~ One who thinks by the inch and talks by the mile should be kicked by the foot.
  • Unknown~ Pain is inevitable suffering is optional.
  • Unknown~ Pessimists are in a winwin situation whatever happens they are either always right or pleasantly suprised.
  • Unknown~ Prayer gives us the opportunity to speak to GOD Meditation allows GOD to speak back to us.
  • Unknown~ SMILE GOD LOVES YOU
  • Unknown~ Serious Sincere Systematic Service Surely Secures Supreme Success.
  • Unknown~ Since wars begin in the minds of men it is in the minds of men that the defence of peace must be constructed.
  • Unknown~ Some people succeed because they are destined to but most people succeed because they are determined to.
  • Unknown~ Sometimes the biggest risk you can take is not taking a risk.
  • Unknown~ Success has many fathers but failure is an orphan.
  • Unknown~ Talent does what it can genius does what it must.
  • Unknown~ The only successful substitute for brains is silence.
  • Unknown~ The wages of sin are unreported.
  • Unknown~ There comes a time when summer asks what you have been doing all winter.
  • Unknown~ There is nothing worse in this world then wasted talent.
  • Unknown~ There was never in the history of the world a great politician who was not hated by large numbers of inferior men.
  • Unknown~ To accept passively an unjust system is to cooperate with that system thereby the oppressed become the oppressor.
  • Unknown~ True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable.
  • Unknown~ True friendship is like a rose. We cant realize its beauty until it fades.
  • Unknown~ Use disappointments as material for patience.
  • Unknown~ We are all instantly forgiven but in order to benefit from this forgiveness we must in turn forgive others and ourselves.
  • Unknown~ We more frequently fail to face the right problem than fail to solve the problem we face.
  • Unknown~ When the time comes for friends to part love will be the bride from heart to heart.
  • Unknown~ Where you find true friendship You find true love.
  • Unknown~ You cant make someone love you and while you try you lose the people who really care.
  • Unknown~ You have to eat the first piece of candy Before you can eat the whole bag.
  • Unknown~ You only live once but if you live right once is enough.
  • Unless you are the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
  • Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already mastered, you will never grow. -Ronald. E. Osborn
  • Unless you walk out into the unknown, the odds of making a difference in your life are pretty low.
  • Unless you're the lead dog, the view doesn't change!
  • Unless you're willing to have a go, fail miserably, and have another go, success won't happen.
  • Until input (thought) is linked to a goal (purpose) there can be no intelligent accomplishment.
  • Unwept, unhonored and unsung.
  • Upon our children - how they are taught - rests the fate - or fortune - of tomorrow's world. -B. C. Forbes
  • Upton Sinclair~ Fascism is capitalism plus murder.
  • Upton Sinclair~ I aimed at the publics heart and by accident I hit it in the stomach.
  • Ur mama is sooo fat, she sat on a dollar and made 4 quarters pop out.
  • Ursula K. LeGuin~ Imagination grows by exercise and contrary to common belief is more powerful in the mature than in the young.
  • Ursula K. LeGuin~ When action grows unprofitable gather information when information grows unprofitable sleep.
  • Use what talent you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best. -Henry Van Dyke
  • Use what talents you possess; The woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best.
  • Usenet is like Tetris for people who still remember how to read. - Ken Iverson
  • Uta Hagan~ We must overcome the notion that we must be regular. It robs us of the chance to be extraordinary and leads us to the mediocre.
  • Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, and paradise is when you have none.
  • V. P. Skipper~ A kiss To a young girl faith to a married woman hope to an old maid charity.
  • V. Z. Lawton~ Its not Jerusalem Its not Baghdad. Its not Bolivia. Its Oklahoma.
  • Vacation is what you take when you can't take what you've been taking any longer.
  • Valuable valley villas.
  • Value added or add value.
  • Van Wyck Brooks~ As against having beautiful workshops studios etc. one writes best in a cellar on a rainy day.
  • Van Wyck Brooks~ The creative impulses of man are always at war with the possessive impulses.
  • Variationists do it locally and globally.
  • Vegetarian, Indian for poor hunter.
  • Vegetarians taste better!
  • Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.
  • Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things. -Dan Quayle
  • Vernon Howard~ Your central self is totally untouched By grief confusion desperation.
  • Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
  • Viagra Lite: For people who only want to masturbate
  • Vice is its own reward. It is virtue which, if it is to be marketed with consumer appeal, must carry Green Shield stamps. -Quentin Crisp
  • Vicki Baum~ Courage comes and goes. Hold on for the next supply.
  • Vicki Baum~ Marriage always demands the finest arts of insincerity possible between two human beings.
  • Vicomte de Chateaubriand~ You are not superior just because you see the world in an odious light.
  • Victor Cousin~ True philosophy invents nothing it merely establishes and describes what is.
  • Victor Daniels~ We must learn to tailor our concepts to fit reality instead of trying to stuff reality into our concepts.
  • Victor Frankl~ Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality.
  • Victor Frankl~ The last of the human freedoms is to choose ones attitudes.
  • Victor Hugo~ A man is not idle because he is absorbed in thought. There is a visible labor and there is an invisible labor.
  • Victor Hugo~ Common sense is in spite of not the result of education.
  • Victor Hugo~ Forty is the old age of youth fifty is the youth of old age.
  • Victor Hugo~ Genius is a promontory jutting out of the infinite.
  • Victor Hugo~ He who opens a school door closes a prison.
  • Victor Hugo~ I dont mind what Congress does as long as they dont do it in the streets and frighten the horses.
  • Victor Hugo~ If a man has his throat cut in Paris its a murder. If people are murdered in the east it is a question.
  • Victor Hugo~ Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.
  • Victor Hugo~ No army can withstand the strength of an idea whose time has come.
  • Victor Hugo~ Nothing else in the world...not all the armies...is so powerful as an idea whose time has come.
  • Victor Hugo~ Popularity It is glorys small change.
  • Victor Hugo~ The supreme happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved.
  • Victor Hugo~ Thought is the labour of the intellect reverie is its pleasure.
  • Victor Hugo~ What a grand thing to be loved What a grander thing still to love
  • Victor Hugo~ When grace is joined with wrinkles it is adorable. There is an unspeakable dawn in happy old age.
  • Victory begins with the name of Jesus on our lips, but it will not be consummated until the nature of Jesus is in our hearts.
  • Victory belongs to the most persevering. -Andre Norton
  • Victory is sweetest when you've known defeat. -Malcolm Forbes
  • Vida D. Scudder~ It is through creating not possessing that life is revealed.
  • Vince Lombardi~ If you arent fired with enthusiasm you will be fired with enthusiasm.
  • Vince Lombardi~ Our greatest glory was not in never falling but in rising when we fell.
  • Vince Lombardi~ The achievements of an organization are the results of the combined effort of each individual.
  • Vince Lombardi~ The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.
  • Vince Lombardi~ Winners never quit and quitters never win.
  • Vincent Van Gogh~ Do not quench your inspiration and your inmagination do not become the slave of your model.
  • Vincent Van Gogh~ How can I be useful of what service can I be There is something inside me what can it be
  • Vincent Van Gogh~ It is better to be high-spirited even though one makes more mistakes than to be narrow-minded and all to prudent.
  • Vincent Van Gogh~ Keep your love of nature for that is the true way to understand art more and more.
  • Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. Never let your morals stop you from doing what is right. (Isaac Asimov)
  • Virgil~ A snake lurks in the grass.
  • Virgil~ Believe one who has proved it. Believe an expert.
  • Virgil~ Deaths brother Sleep.
  • Virgil~ Each man is led by his own liking.
  • Virgil~ Fortune favors the brave.
  • Virgil~ I feel again a spark of that ancient flame.
  • Virgil~ I have known sorrow and learned to aid the wretched.
  • Virgil~ In quarrels such as these not ours to intervene.
  • Virgil~ It never troubles the wolf how many the sheep may be.
  • Virgil~ Lat. Now I know what love is.
  • Virgil~ Look with favour upon a bold beginning.
  • Virgil~ Love conquers all things let us too surrender to Love.
  • Virgil~ Perhaps even these things one day will be pleasing to remember.
  • Virgil~ Possunt quia posse videntur. (They can because they think they can from The Aeneid)
  • Virgil~ They can conquer who believe they can.
  • Virginia Woolf~ For most of history Anonymous was a woman.
  • Virginia~ Arrange whatever pieces come your way.
  • Virginia~ If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.
  • Virginia~ Nothing has really happened until it has been recorded.
  • Virginia~ On the outskirts of every agony sits some observant fellow who points.
  • Virtue is its own reward. -Cicero
  • Virtue is its own reward. -Marcus T. Cicero
  • Vision that looks inward becomes duty. Vision that looks outward becomes aspiration. Vision that looks upward becomes faith
  • Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
  • Vitality shows in not only the ability to persist but the ability to start over. -F. Scott Fitzgerald
  • Voltaire~ All sects are different because they come from men morality is everywhere the same because it comes from God.
  • Voltaire~ Anything too stupid to be said is sung.
  • Voltaire~ Appreciation is a wonderful thing It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well.
  • Voltaire~ God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
  • Voltaire~ I may disagree with what you have to say but I shall defend to the death your right to say it.
  • Voltaire~ Indeed history is nothing more than a tableau of crimes and misfortunes.
  • Voltaire~ Judge of a man by his questions rather than by his answers.
  • Voltaire~ Love truth and pardon error.
  • Voltaire~ Prejudice is opinion without judgement.
  • Voltaire~ Regimen is superior to medicine.
  • Voltaire~ The secret of being boring is to say everything.
  • Voltaire~ This agglomeration which was called and which still calls itself the Holy Roman Empire was neither holy nor Roman nor an empire.
  • Voltaire~ To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid you must also be well-mannered.
  • Voltaire~ When we hear news we should always wait for the sacrament of confirmation.
  • Vote Republican. It's much easier than thinking.
  • Vulgate~ Great is truth and all powerful.
  • W. C. Fields~ I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
  • W. C. Fields~ I never vote for anyone I always vote against.
  • W. C. Fields~ Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
  • W. C. Fields~ There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
  • W. C. Sellar~ For every person who wants to teach there are approximately thirty people who dont want to learn - much.
  • W. Edward Brown~ The artist has one function - to affirm and glorify life.
  • W. Edwards Deming~ If you cant describe what you are doing as a process you dont know what youre doing.
  • W. Edwards Deming~ It is not necessary to change. Survival is not mandatory.
  • W. Fusselman~ Today a reader - tomorrow a leader.
  • W. G. Benham~ When you see a snake never mind where he came from.
  • W. H. Auden~ A poets hope to be like some valley cheese local but prized elsewhere.
  • W. H. Auden~ No opera plot can be sensible for people do not sing when they are feeling sensible.
  • W. H. Davies~ What is this life if so full of care We have no time to stand and stare.
  • W. J. Cameron~ The last dejected effort often becomes the winning stroke.
  • W. Kelly Griffith~ Any necessary work that pays an honest wage carries its own honor and dignity.
  • W. S. Gilbert~ My object all sublime I shall achieve in time...
  • W. S. Gilbert~ When everyone is somebody then no ones anybody.
  • W. Somerset Maugham~ By the time a man notices that he is no longer young his youth has long since left him.
  • W. Somerset Maugham~ I dont know why it is that the religious never ascribe common sense to God.
  • W. Somerset Maugham~ It was such a lovely day I thought it was a pity to get up.
  • W. Somerset Maugham~ The rain fell alike upon the just and upon the unjust and for nothing was there a why and a wherefore.
  • W. Somerset Maugham~ Tolerance is another word for indifference.
  • W. Somerset Maugham~ Tradition is a guide and not a jailer.
  • W. Somerset Maugham~ We know our friends by their defects rather than by their merits.
  • W. Somerset Maugham~ When you choose your friends dont be short-changed by choosing personality over character.
  • W.R. Wallace~ The hand that rocks the cradleIs the hand that rules the world.
  • WARNING: Keyboard Not Attached. Press F10 to Continue.
  • Waiter (serving soup): It looks like rain today. Patron: Yes it does, but it smells like soup.
  • Waiter on ocean liner: Would you like the menu, sir? Monster: No thanks, just bring me the passenger list.
  • Waiter, I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream. I'm sorry, sir, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?
  • Waiter, Waiter there's a fly in my ice-cream! Gee I did not know that they had started winter sports so early in the year!
  • Waiter, there is a dead fly in my soup! No its not, it's a piece of dirt that looks like one!
  • Waiter, there is a fly in my soup! Hold on sir, I'll get the fly spray!
  • Waiter, there is a maggot in my soup! Don't worry sir, he won't last long in there!
  • Waiter, there is a mosquito in my soup! Don't worry sir, they don't eat much!
  • Waiter, there is a worm on my plate! That's not a worm sir, it's your sausage?
  • Waiter, there's a hair in my soup.
  • Waiter, this coffee tastes like dirt! Yes sir, thats because it was only ground this morning.
  • Waiter, waiter, do you have frog's legs? Certainly, Sir! Well hop over here and get me a sandwich!
  • Waiter, waiter, there's a bee in my soup. Yes Sir, it's the fly's day off.
  • Waiter, what's this bug doing waltzing around my table! It's the band, sir, they are playing his tune!
  • Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup? Um, looks to me to be backstroke, sir
  • Waiter: I'm sorry I spilled a glass of water on you. Diner: That's all right. My suit is too large anyway.
  • Waiter: These are the best eggs we've had for years. Diner: Well, bring me some you haven't had around for that long.
  • Walk by faith, not by sight!
  • Walk the words you talk and talk the words you walk.
  • Walker Best~ You never really know someone until you have been their friend.
  • Wallace Irwin~ Statistics show that of those who contract the habit of eating very few survive.
  • Wallace Stevens~ The summer night is like a perfection of thought.
  • Wallace Stevens~ You cant depend on your judgment when your imagination is out of focus.
  • Wally Winkle wriggles his white, wrinkled wig.
  • Walt Disney~ All of our dreams can come true - if we have the courage to pursue them.
  • Walt Disney~ Get a good idea and stay with it. Dog it and work at it until its done right.
  • Walt Disney~ If you can dream it you can do it.
  • Walt Kelly~ Now is the time for all good men to come to.
  • Walt Whitman~ I celebrate myself and sing myself.
  • Walt Whitman~ I send no agent or medium offer no representative of value
  • Walt Whitman~ If any thing is sacred the human body is sacred.
  • Walt Whitman~ Stranger if you passing meet me and desire to speak to me why should you not speak to me And why should I not speak to you
  • Walter Bagehot~ The greatest mistake is trying to be more agreeable than you can be.
  • Walter Cronkite~ And thats the way it is.
  • Walter Kerr~ Half the world is composed of idiots the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them.
  • Walter Lippmann~ It requires wisdom to understand wisdom the music is nothing if the audience is deaf.
  • Walter Lippmann~ Love endures only when the lovers love many things together and not merely each other.
  • Walter S. Robertson~ The only way to get rid of responsibilities is to discharge them.
  • Walter Savage Landor~ People like nails lose their effectiveness when they lose direction and begin to bend.
  • Walter Savage Landor~ We talk on principle but we act on interest.
  • Walter Winchell~ Nothing recedes like success.
  • Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister!
  • Want to buy a pocket computer? No, thanks, I already know how many pockets I've got.
  • Want to learn to eat a lot? Here it is: Eat a little. That way, you will be around long enough to eat a lot. -Anthony Robbins
  • Warning Invisible Dragon in Back Seat
  • Warning! I have an attitude and i know how to use it!
  • Warning! Literal Belief In This Book May Endanger Your Health And Life.
  • Warning: mental backup in progress.
  • Warren Bennis~ Great things are accomplished by talented people who believe they will accomplish them.
  • Warren Bennis~ Leaders must encourage their organizations to dance to forms of music yet to be heard.
  • Warren G. Harding~ Americas present need is not heroics but healing not nostrums but normalcy not revolution but restoration.
  • Wars are not fought to decide who is right.. Only who is left.
  • Washington Irving~ A kind heart is a fountain of gladness making everything in its vicinity freshen into smiles.
  • Washington Irving~ I am always at a loss to know how much to believe of my own stories.
  • Washington Irving~ There is a healthful hardiness about real dignity that never dreads contact and communion with others however humble.
  • Waste no more time arguing what a good man should be, be one. -Marcus Aurelius
  • Waste no tears over the griefs of yesterday. -Euripides
  • Watch out for emergencies. They are your big chance. -Fritz Reiner
  • Watch out for the idiot behind me.
  • Wayne Gretzky~ You miss of the shots you never take.
  • Wayne Van Dyck~ The speciality of the future is generalism.
  • Wayne W Dyer~ Infinite patience brings immediate results.
  • Waynes World~ Benjamin Hey who wants Chinese Takeout I know a great place Wayne Ill have the cream of sum yung guy.
  • Waynes World~ Garth Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played girl bunny
  • Waynes World~ Wayne All I have to say about that is asphinctersayswhat. Arcade owner What Wayne Exactly.
  • We All come from the Goddess
  • We advance on our journey only when we face our goal, when we are confident and believe we are going to win out. -Orison Swett Marden
  • We all have ability. The difference is how we use it. -Stevie Wonder
  • We all have two choices: We can make a living or we can design a life.
  • We all live under the same sky, but we don't see the same horizon.
  • We all suffer from the preoccupation that there exists ... in the loved one, perfection. - Sidney Poitier
  • We are IBM! Windows is Irrelevant! You will be Assimilated!
  • We are Linux. Resistance is measured in Ohms.
  • We are all cells in the same body of humanity. -Pilgrims
  • We are already too dependent on gambling revenue. If we continue, we will soon be owned by them. - Donald L. Carcieri
  • We are always getting ready to live but never living. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • We are called to be architects of the future, not its victims. -Buckminster Fuller
  • We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. -Pogo
  • We are continually faced by great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems. -Lee Iococca
  • We are governed not by armies and police, but by ideas. -Mona Caird
  • We are made to persist. That's how we find out who we are. -Tobias Wolff
  • We are made wise not by the recollection of our past, but by the responsibility for our future. -George Bernard Shaw
  • We are not here merely to make a living. We are here to enrich the world. -Woodrow Wilson
  • We are, each of us, angels with only one wing, and we can only fly embracing each other. (Luciano DeCrescenzo)
  • We but half express ourselves, and are ashamed of that divine idea which each of us represents. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • We can admire what we see, but we can only love what we truly know.
  • We can be knowledgeable with other men's knowledge but we cannot be wise with other men's wisdom. -Michel Eyquem
  • We can often do more for other men by trying to correct our own faults than by trying to correct theirs. -Francois Fenelon
  • We can only create what we can imagine. (Robert B. Mackay)
  • We can't control the wind, but we have the power to adjust the sails.
  • We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone. -Loretta Scott
  • We cherish our friends not for their ability to amuse us, but for ours to amuse them. -Evelyn Waugh
  • We could accomplish a lot more if we'd get rid of our ifs and and's; and get off our butts.
  • We deem those happy who from the experience of life have learned to bear its ills, without being overcome by them. -Juvenal
  • We do not need more of the things that are seen, we need more of the things that are unseen. -Calvin Coolidge
  • We don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
  • We find comfort among those who agree with us-growth among those who don't. -Frank Clark
  • We first make our habits, and then our habits make us. -John Dryden
  • We grow because we struggle, we learn and overcome. -R. C. Allen
  • We grow great by dreams. All big men are dreamers. -Woodrow T. Wilson
  • We have a strange and wonderful relationship: He's strange and I'm wonderful. (Mike Ditka, on Jim McMahon)
  • We have a young married couple in the neighborhood who are trulyinseparable. Last week, it took four Howard County Policemen and adog.
  • We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
  • We have no simple problems or easy decisions after kindergarten. -John W. Turk
  • We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand - and melting like a snowflake. -Marie B. Ray
  • We have to take one game at a time.
  • We listened to what our customers wanted and acted on what they said. Good things happen when you pay attention. -John F. Smith
  • We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give. -Winston Churchill
  • We make way for the man who boldly pushes past us. -Christian Nevell Bovee
  • We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue than malnutrition. -Alexander Comfort
  • We may not be what we want to be, but thank God we are not what we used to be.
  • We must always change, renew, rejuvenate ourselves; otherwise we harden. -Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
  • We must become the change we want to see. -Gandhi
  • We must free ourselves of the hope that the sea will ever rest. We must learn to sail in high winds. - Hanmer Parsons Grant
  • We must give more in order to get more. It is the generous giving of ourselves that produce the generous harvest.
  • We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools.
  • We must obey the great law of change. It is the most powerful law of nature. -Edmund Burke
  • We must travel in the direction of our fear. -John Berryman
  • We must walk consciously only part way toward our goal and then leap in the dark to our success. -Henry David Thoreau
  • We need to talk.-- God
  • We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
  • We only grow when we step outside our comfort zone.
  • We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean, but the ocean would be less because of that missing drop. (Mother Teresa)
  • We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight. -Milton Berle
  • We pay a price when we deprive children of the exposure to the values, principles, and education they need to make them good citizens.
  • We perceive when love begins and when it declines by our embarrassment when alone together. - La Bruyere
  • We shape clay into a pot, but it is the emptiness inside that holds whatever we want. -Tao Saying
  • We should be too big to take offense and too noble to give it. -Abraham Lincoln
  • We should often feel ashamed of our best actions if the world could see all the motives which produced them. -Francois de la Rochefoucauld
  • We shouldn't deny the pain of what happens in our lives. We should just refuse to focus only on the valleys. (Charles Swindoll)
  • We spent our whole youth to obtain wealth and our whole wealth to obtain youth.
  • We teach what we live. -Unknown Author
  • We tend to live up to our expectations. -Earl Nightingale
  • We the unwilling, led by the unqualified, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful.
  • We think according to nature. We speak according to rules. We act according to custom. -Francis Bacon
  • We treat this world of ours as though we had a spare in the trunk.
  • We usually get what we anticipate. -Claude M. Bristol
  • We were born to succeed, not to fail. -Henry David Thoreau
  • We will either find a way or make one.
  • We won't even attempt to achieve what we do not believe at a deep level we can have or deserve. -Ruth Ross
  • We would all like to vote for the best man but he is never a candidate.
  • We would frequently be ashamed of our good deeds if people saw all of the motives that produced them. -Francois De La Rochefoucauld
  • We would rather have one man or woman working with us than three merely working for us. - J. Dabney Day
  • We'd never know how high we are till we are called to rise; and then, if we are true to plan, our statures touch the sky. -Emily Dickinson
  • We're all here 'cause we're not all there.
  • We're staying together for the sake of the cats!
  • We've arranged a civilization in which most crucial elements profoundly depend on science and technology. - Carl Sagan
  • We've got to give 110%.
  • Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character.
  • Wealth - any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband. -H. L. Mencken
  • Wee Willie Keeler~ I keep my eyes clear and I hit em where they aint.
  • Weinbaum~ If you cant excel with talent triumph with effort.
  • Weird Load!
  • Welcome the task that makes you go beyond yourself. -Frank Mcgee
  • Welcome to California, take someone with you when you leave.
  • Welcome to Eternity...Smoking or non smoking ?
  • Welcome to Middle Earth. Now Go Home.
  • Welcome to Sunny Pandaemonium, The Sinner's Playground!
  • Well done is better than well said. (Benjamin Franklin)
  • Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
  • Well, you probably said it without thinking, the way you do most things.
  • Wendell Phillips~ Difference of religion breeds more quarrels than difference of politics.
  • Wendell Willkie~ No man has a right in America to treat any other man tolerantly for tolerance is the assumption of superiority.
  • Wendell Willkie~ The constitution does not provide for first and second class citizens.
  • Were you in Paris on your vacation? I don't know, my wife got the tickets.
  • Werner Karl Heisenberg~ Not only is the universe stranger than we think it is stranger than we can think.
  • Wernher von Braun~ We can lick gravity but sometimes the paperwork is overwhelming.
  • Wess Roberts~ Anyone who doesnt make mistakes isnt trying hard enough.
  • What God didn't give me, My plastic surgeon did!
  • What I like in a good author isn't what he says, but what he whispers. -Logan Pearsall Smith
  • What Mrs. Dumpty gave Humpty?
  • What South American dance do cows like to do? The Rump-a
  • What TV station do bees watch? Bee bee c one!
  • What a nice night for an evening.
  • What advice to cows give? Turn the udder cheek and mooooove on!
  • What ails Alex? asks Alice.
  • What animals are poor dancers? Four-legged ones, because they have two left feet.
  • What are Brazilian fans called? Brazil nuts!
  • What are hurricanes with a central dense overcast over the eye called? -Hurricanes with cataracts
  • What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep? A dinosnore!
  • What are the aardvark's favorite Beatle's songs? It's Been an Aards Day's Night and I Want to Hold Your Ant!
  • What are the cleverest bees? Spelling bees!
  • What are the pigs warned to look out for in New York? Pigpockets.
  • What are the spots on black-and-white cows? Holstaines
  • What are the three fastest means of communication? Internet, telephone, telawoman.
  • What are these things in my hair? - Gaia
  • What are you going to be when you get out of school? An old man!
  • What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
  • What are your two favourite times to party? Daytime and night-time!
  • What asks no question but demands an answer? A doorbell or a ringing telephone.
  • What bee is good for your health? Vitamin bee!
  • What bird tastes just like butter? A stork!
  • What bit of fish doesn't make sense? The piece of cod that passeth all understanding!
  • What boots up must come down.
  • What business is King Kong in? Monkey business.
  • What can Santa give away and still keep? A cold.
  • What car do insects drive? A Volkswagen automobile.
  • What cat purrs more than any other? Purrsians.
  • What cheese is made backwards? Edam.
  • What cloud is so lazy because it will not get up? -Fog
  • What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
  • What comes out of your mouth is determined by what goes into your mind. -Zig Ziglar
  • What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility. -Leo Tolstoy
  • What couple rode a horse up a hill to fetch a pail of water? Jockey and Jill!
  • What dance do hippies hate? A square dance.
  • What did Hamlet say when he was thinking of sending a message? To e or not to e, that is the question.
  • What did Santa Claus's wife say during a thunderstorm? 'Come and look at the rain, dear. '
  • What did one candle say to the other? Don't birthdays burn you up?
  • What did one car muffler say to the other car muffler? Am I exhausted!
  • What did one cat say to another? Have you heard the mews today.
  • What did one firefly say to the other? Got to glow now!
  • What did one mouse say to the other mouse? I get a click out of you.
  • What did one tooth say to the other? Get your cap on, the dentist is taking us out tonight.
  • What did the Eskimo children sing when their principal was leaving? Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
  • What did the Eskimo schoolboy say to the Eskimo schoolgirl? What's an ice girl like you doing in a place like this?
  • What did the Gorilla call his first wife? His prime-mate!
  • What did the Loch Ness Monster say to his friend? Long time no sea.
  • What did the alien say to the gas pump? Don't you know its rude to stick your finger in your ear when I'm talking to you!
  • What did the angry man sing when he found his slippers chewed up by the new puppy? I must throw that doggie out the window! !
  • What did the baby dolphin do when he didn't get his way? He whale-d
  • What did the baby elephant get when the daddy elephant sneezed? Out of the way!
  • What did the baby owl's parents say when he wanted to go to a party? You're not owld enough.
  • What did the bell say when it fell in the water? I'm wringing wet.
  • What did the big carburettor say to the little carburettor? Don't inhale so fast or you'll choke.
  • What did the biscuit say when it saw two friends knocked down? Crumbs!
  • What did the black cat say to the fish? I've got a bone to pick with you!
  • What did the blonde say when she looked into the box of Cheerios? "OH LOOK!!! Donut seeds."
  • What did the boy banana say to the girl banana? You have a lot of appeal.
  • What did the bunny say when he only had thistles to eat? Thistle have to do!
  • What did the bunny want to do when he grew up? Join the Hare Force.
  • What did the burglar say to the lady who caught him stealing her silver? I'm at your service, ma'am.
  • What did the calf say to the silo? Is my fodder in there?
  • What did the cannibal have for lunch? Baked beings (beans).
  • What did the cannibal say to the explorer? 'Nice to meat you'!
  • What did the cannibal say when he was full? I couldn't eat another mortal.
  • What did the cat do when he swallowed some cheese? He waited by the mouse hole with baited breath!
  • What did the cat say when he lost all his money? I'm poaaaw.
  • What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie? Well, doggone!
  • What did the dealer say to the deck of cards? I can not deal with you anymore.
  • What did the dentist see at the North Pole? . . . A molar bear
  • What did the dog do when the panhandler put the bite on him? Bit him, naturally.
  • What did the dog say to the pig? You are just a bore.
  • What did the dog say when he chased his tail? This is the end.
  • What did the egg say to the boiling water? It might take me a while to get hard I just got layed last night.
  • What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk? An udder failure!
  • What did the farmer say when all his cows charged him at once? I'm on the horns of a dilemma here!
  • What did the fat pig say when the farmer dumped corn mash into the trough? I'm afraid that's all going to waist.
  • What did the hamburgers say to the butcher who acted on a TV show? Welcome back, Cutter!
  • What did the hotel manager say to the elephant that couldn't pay his bill? Pack your trunk and clear out!
  • What did the hungry Dalmatian say when he had a meal? That hit the spots!
  • What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold unto your nuts-This is no ordinary Blow Job!
  • What did the hypnotist say when he got his own website. . . . Hyp, Hyp Hooray.
  • What did the ice cream say to the unhappy cake? Hey, what's eating you?
  • What did the idiot do to the flea in his ear? Shot it!
  • What did the impatient waiter ask the gluttonous aardvark? Is that your final ant, sir!
  • What did the judge say when a skunk entered the courtroom? Answer: Odor, Odor in the court! ! !
  • What did the left nut say to the right nut? The guy in the middle thinks he is so hard!
  • What did the lightning bolt say to the old oak tree? -Hang onto your bark, this will be no ordinary spark
  • What did the little ghost give his mom for Mother's Day? A booquet of flowers.
  • What did the little kid do with the dead battery? He buried it.
  • What did the man put on his car when the weather was cold? An extra muffler.
  • What did the monster say to the Thanksgiving turkey? Pleased to eat you!
  • What did the mooron say when he saw the milk cartons in the grass? Hey! Look at the cow's nest!
  • What did the mother ghost say to the naughty baby ghost? Spook when you're spooken to.
  • What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth? Hard cheese.
  • What did the parrot say when he was using the Internet? P. Cs of eight, P. Cs of eight.
  • What did the pay phone say when the quarter got stuck inside it? Money's tight these days!
  • What did the pig do when a beetle landed in his feed trough? He ate it quickly, before the others could ask him to share.
  • What did the pig say when his brother rolled on him? Heavy!
  • What did the police officer say to his stomach? I've got you under a vest.
  • What did the rabbit bride get on her wedding day? A forty-carrot wedding ring.
  • What did the really ugly man do for a living? He posed for Halloween masks.
  • What did the ruthless businessman say to his employees? If at first you don't succeed - you're fired!
  • What did the sardine call the submarine? A can of people!
  • What did the spider say to the bee? Your honey or your life!
  • What did the stupid ghost do? He used to climb over walls.
  • What did the vampire call his false teeth? A new fangled device.
  • What did the vampire do to stop his son biting his nails? He cut all his fingers off!
  • What did the werewolf eat after he'd had his teeth taken out? The dentist.
  • What did the werewolf write at the bottom of the letter? Best vicious . . .
  • What did the wife say to the undertaker when he started hitting his broken down car? Stop beating a dead hearse!
  • What did the witch say to the ugly toad? I'd put a curse on you - but somebody beat me to it!
  • What did they call the canary that flew into the pastry dish? Tweetie Pie!
  • What did you call a dinosaur that keeps you awake at night? Bronto-snore-us!
  • What diploma do criminals get? The third degree.
  • What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? They both have 'the' as their middle names!
  • What do Kodak film have in common with condoms? Both capture the moment.
  • What do West Virginians call a pretty woman? A tourist.
  • What do a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common? They can both smell it but they can't eat it.
  • What do builders use to make websites? Com. crete.
  • What do burgers think when they are surrounded by gherkins? They think they are in a pickle.
  • What do cannibal say when they say grace? 'We thank you, Lord, for our daily dead! '
  • What do cars do at the disco? Brake dance.
  • What do cats use to make coffee? A purrcolator.
  • What do cows call Frank Sinatra? Old Moo Eyes!
  • What do cows do for entertainment? They go to the mooooovies.
  • What do cows do when they're introduced? They give each other a milk shake!
  • What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever
  • What do cows like to line dance to? Any kind of moosic you like!
  • What do cows sing at their friends birthday parties? Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo
  • What do cows wear when they're vacationing in Hawaii? Moo moos
  • What do dirty fish read? Prawno Magazines!
  • What do elephants do in the evenings? Watch elevision!
  • What do ghosts like about riding horses? Ghoulloping.
  • What do ghosts say when a girl footballer is sent off? Ban-she, ban-she!
  • What do ghosts watch if they want to relax? Skelly-vision!
  • What do gnomes fear most about Christmas? They're afraid Father Christmas will give them the sack!
  • What do headmasters and bullfrogs have in common? Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth!
  • What do insects learn at school? Mothmatics!
  • What do internet football fans sing? E we go E we go, E we go!
  • What do lightning bolts do when they laugh? -They crack up
  • What do lovesick owls say when it's raining? Too-wet-to-woo.
  • What do mice do when they're at home? Mousework!
  • What do people in China call their good quality plates?
  • What do pygmy cannibals eat for breakfast? Weedie Bix! !
  • What do rabbits put in their computers? Hoppy disks!
  • What do rednecks call duct tape? .... Chrome.
  • What do rednecks do on Halloween? Pump-kin!
  • What do romantic fish sing to each other? Salmon-chanted evening!
  • What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common? You always hear about them but never see any!
  • What do snowmen wear on their heads? Ice caps!
  • What do some people have against cheeseburgers? They say, 'Burgers can't be cheesy! '
  • What do stupid kids do at Halloween? They carve a face on an apple and go bobbing for pumpkins.
  • What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
  • What do tigers wear in bed? Stripey pyjamas!
  • What do vampires cross the sea in? Blood vessels.
  • What do vampires have at eleven o'clock every day? A coffin break.
  • What do vampires make sandwiches out of? Self-raising dead.
  • What do vampires put at the bottom of their e-mails? Best viscious.
  • What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas? Grave-y!
  • What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other? -George Eliot
  • What do witches eat at Halloween? Spook-etti, Halloweenies, Devil's food cake and Boo-berry pie.
  • What do witches ring for in a hotel? B-room service.
  • What do you call 100 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel!
  • What do you call 500 Natives running on the race track? The Indy 500.
  • What do you call A Tale of Two Mosquitoes? A bite-time story.
  • What do you call a 100 spiders on a tyre? A spinning wheel!
  • What do you call a 100 year old ant? An antique!
  • What do you call a Polish aardvark? A Polaark!
  • What do you call a bird that lives underground? A mynah bird!
  • What do you call a black Eskimo dog? A dusky husky!
  • What do you call a black cat than can spring up to a six foot wall? A good jumpurr!
  • What do you call a bloke with a bus on his head? Dead.
  • What do you call a cat wearing shoes? Puss in boots.
  • What do you call a clever monster? Frank Einstein.
  • What do you call a cow that plays the guitar? A Moosician!
  • What do you call a cowboy who helps out in a school? The deputy head!
  • What do you call a frog who wants to be a cowboy? Hoppalong Cassidy!
  • What do you call a ghost at midnight? A sheet in the dark!
  • What do you call a ghost who's always sleeping? Lazy bones.
  • What do you call a group of cars? A clutch!
  • What do you call a guy at your front door with no legs or arms? ...... Matt!
  • What do you call a hairy ruler with an attitude? .... A cat.
  • What do you call a happy Lassie? A jolly collie!
  • What do you call a horse that's been all around the world? A globe-trotter!
  • What do you call a lion wearing a cravat and a flower in its mane? A dandy lion!
  • What do you call a literary fish? Salmon Rushdie!
  • What do you call a loving cat bite? Cat nip.
  • What do you call a man who cleans out toilets? Lou!
  • What do you call a man who has been dead and buried for thousands of years? Pete.
  • What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower? A widower.
  • What do you call a man who opens the car door for you? A chauffeur.
  • What do you call a man with a kilt over his head? Scott!
  • What do you call a man with a large flatfish on his head? Ray!
  • What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool? - Bob
  • What do you call a monster with two wooden heads? Edward Woodward.
  • What do you call a mouse that can pick up a monster? Sir.
  • What do you call a neurotic octopus? A crazy, mixed-up squid.
  • What do you call a pig in a steel foundry? A pig pig.
  • What do you call a pig thief? A hamburglar!
  • What do you call a pig with the flu? A swine swine.
  • What do you call a policeman with blonde hair? A fair cop!
  • What do you call a proton with big hair? A 'froton.
  • What do you call a python with a great bedside manner? A snake charmer.
  • What do you call a rabbit that plays with foxes? A dumb bunny.
  • What do you call a rabbit who is real cool? A hip hopper.
  • What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny.
  • What do you call a rabbit with no clothes on? A bare hare.
  • What do you call a rich frog? A golf blooded reptile!
  • What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning? An alarm cluck!
  • What do you call a scruffy, lazy ant? Decadant.
  • What do you call a stupid skeleton? Bonehead.
  • What do you call a telephone call from one vicar to another? A parson to parson call!
  • What do you call a tired cow? Milked out!
  • What do you call a vampire in a raincoat? Mack-u-la!
  • What do you call a very rude bird? A mockingbird!
  • What do you call a witch who climbs up walls? Ivy.
  • What do you call a woman with a bicycle on her head? Petal!
  • What do you call a woman with one leg? - Ilene
  • What do you call an English teacher, five feet tall, covered from head to toe in boils and totally bald? Sir!
  • What do you call an Internet mystery? An e-nigma.
  • What do you call an aardvark in a frying pan? A lardvark!
  • What do you call an aardvark that plays poker? A cardvark!
  • What do you call an aardvark that's just won a fight? A well 'aardvark!
  • What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet? Lost
  • What do you call an affectionate rabbit? A tender, loving hare.
  • What do you call an alien starship that drips water? A crying saucer!
  • What do you call an and with frogs legs? An antphibian!
  • What do you call an elephant in a phone box? Stuck.
  • What do you call an operation on a rabbit? A hare-cut.
  • What do you call explosive cow vomit? A cud missle!
  • What do you call it when one rabbit challenges another rabbit to hop across a forty-yard canyon? A hare dare.
  • What do you call the Scottish dentist? Phil McCavity!
  • What do you call the reindeer with one eye higher than the other? Isaiah!
  • What do you call the sound a ghost makes when he calls you? A phone moan.
  • What do you call the story of The Three Little Pigs? A pig tail!
  • What do you call two witches who share a room? Broom-mates.
  • What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you? Run - she is still holding the grenade!
  • What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.
  • What do you do if your bank account stops working? Throw the guy out of the house.
  • What do you do if your computer hums? Tell it to change its socsks!
  • What do you do when a Chihuahua sneezes? Get a small hankie!
  • What do you do when two snails have a fight? Leave them to slug it out.
  • What do you do with a blue Burmese? Try and cheer it up a bit.
  • What do you find in a zombie's veins? Dead blood corpuscles.
  • What do you get from a drunk chicken? Scotch eggs!
  • What do you get from an invisible cow? Evaporated milk!
  • What do you get if King Kong sits on your best friend? A flat mate.
  • What do you get if a huge hairy monster steps on Batman and Robin? Flatman and Ribbon!
  • What do you get if cross a frog with some mist? Kermit the Fog!
  • What do you get if cross a mouse woth a packet of washing up powder? Bubble and squeak!
  • What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad? Star Warts!
  • What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark? Frost bite!
  • What do you get if you cross Dracula with AI Capone? A fangster.
  • What do you get if you cross Dracula with Sir Lancelot? A bite in shining armor.
  • What do you get if you cross Dracula with a snail? The world's slowest vampire.
  • What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective? Santa Clues!
  • What do you get if you cross King Kong with a budgie? A messy cage.
  • What do you get if you cross King Kong with a watchdog? A terrified postman.
  • What do you get if you cross a Beatle and an Australian dog? Dingo Starr!
  • What do you get if you cross a Rolls Royce with a vampire? A monster that attacks expensive cars and sucks out their gas tanks.
  • What do you get if you cross a bee with a door bell? A hum dinger!
  • What do you get if you cross a bee with a parrot? An animal that's always telling you how busy it is!
  • What do you get if you cross a bunch of flowers with a burglar? Robbery with violets!
  • What do you get if you cross a cat with Father Christmas? Santa Claws!
  • What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar? A sourpuss!
  • What do you get if you cross a cat with a canary? A peeping tom.
  • What do you get if you cross a cat with a canary? Shredded tweet.
  • What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot.
  • What do you get if you cross a chemical and a bicycle? Bike carbonate of soda!
  • What do you get if you cross a chick with an alley cat? A peeping tom.
  • What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer? A brick-layer!
  • What do you get if you cross a computer and a Rottweiller? A computer with a lot of bites!
  • What do you get if you cross a computer with a hamburger? A big mac.
  • What do you get if you cross a cow with a spaniel, a poodle, and a rooster? A cockerpoodlemoo!
  • What do you get if you cross a dog with a blind mole? A dog that keeps barking up the wrong tree!
  • What do you get if you cross a firefly and a moth? An insect who can find its way around a dark wardrobe!
  • What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog? A croaker spaniel!
  • What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry? A hoppercraft!
  • What do you get if you cross a giant ship with the Internet? The Site-anic.
  • What do you get if you cross a giant, hairy monster with a penguin? I don't know but it's a very tightfitting tuxedo.
  • What do you get if you cross a giraffe with a dog? An animal that barks at low flying aircraft!
  • What do you get if you cross a gorilla and a prisoner? A Kong - vict!
  • What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp? A bear faced lyre!
  • What do you get if you cross a hairdresser and a bucket of cement? Permanent waves!
  • What do you get if you cross a hairdresser with a werewolf? A monster with an all-over perm.
  • What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie? Puff pastry!
  • What do you get if you cross a labrador and a tortoise? A dog that will run to the shop to get your paper and bring back last weeks paper!
  • What do you get if you cross a longhorn with a knight? Sir Loin!
  • What do you get if you cross a moth with a firefly? An insect that can find its way around a dark closet.
  • What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker? A bird that talks in morse code!
  • What do you get if you cross a rabbit and a flea? Bugs Bunny!
  • What do you get if you cross a skunk and a boomerang? A smell that keeps coming back!
  • What do you get if you cross a skunk and a dinosaur? A stinkasaurus!
  • What do you get if you cross a skunk and a wasp? Something that stinks and stings!
  • What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear? Winnie the Pooh!
  • What do you get if you cross a sorceress with a millionaire? A very witch person.
  • What do you get if you cross a telephone and a marriage bureau? A wedding ring!
  • What do you get if you cross a telephone with a hunting dog? A golden receiver!
  • What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangeroo? A stripey jumper!
  • What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep? A stripey sweater!
  • What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent? A snake in the brass!
  • What do you get if you cross an Egyptian mummy with a car mechanic? Toot and Car Man.
  • What do you get if you cross an elephant with the Internet? I don't know, but it's e-nourmous.
  • What do you get if you cross some ants with some tics? All sorts of antics!
  • What do you get if you cross teeth with candy? Dental floss!
  • What do you get if you drop a piano on a team's defence? A flat back four!
  • What do you get if you have strep throat on Friday? Saturday Night Fever.
  • What do you get if you stuff your computer's disk drive with herbs? A thyme machine.
  • What do you get if you take a really big dog out for a walk? A Great Dane out!
  • What do you get if you type www. abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz. com into your computer? A sore finger.
  • What do you get when a cow goes to the Beach with tanning oil? Pre-tanned leather.
  • What do you get when you add 2 apples to 3 apples? A senior high school math problem.
  • What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo.
  • What do you get when you cross Holy Water with castor oil? A religious movement!
  • What do you get when you cross a bumble bee with a rabbit? A honey bunny.
  • What do you get when you cross a bunny with a spider? A harenet.
  • What do you get when you cross a collie with a trumpet? A Lassie who plays brassie!
  • What do you get when you cross a cow with a kangaroo? A kangamoo!
  • What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a boy scout? A boyscout who helps little old ladies hop across the street.
  • What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An elephant who never forgets to eat his carrots.
  • What do you give a deer with an upset stomach? Elkaseltzer.
  • What do you give a sick bird? Tweetment!
  • What do you give a sick pig? Oinkment!
  • What do you give a sick snake? Asp-rin!
  • What do you mean we can't shoot them, its tourist season isn't it?
  • What do you say if you meet a toad? Wart's new!
  • What do you say if you meet a toad? Wart's new?
  • What do you say to a one legged hitch-hiker? Hop in.
  • What do you say to your cat when you leave the house? Have a mice day.
  • What do you use to cut the ocean? A seasaw
  • What do you use to determine if a refrigerated burger is cold enough? A thermomeater!
  • What do young female monsters do at parties? They go around looking for edible bachelors!
  • What do young ghosts call their parents? Deady and Mummy.
  • What do your husband and your cats have in common? ... None of your cats lower the toilet seat either.
  • What does CPA stand for? Can't Produce Anything
  • What does Dracula say when you tell him a new fact? Well, fangcy that!
  • What does Frankenstein's monster call a screwdriver? Daddy.
  • What does Mrs Dracula say to Mr Dracula when he leaves for work in the evening? Have a nice bite!
  • What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas? Ince pies!
  • What does a Gorilla learn first in school? The Apey-cees!
  • What does a bald elephant wear for a toupee? A sheep.
  • What does a bee say before it stings you? This is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you!
  • What does a cannibal call a skateboarder? Meals on wheels.
  • What does a cannibal eat with cheese? Pickled organs.
  • What does a cat call a bowl of mice? A purrrrfect meal.
  • What does a cat like to eat on a hot day? A mice cream cone.
  • What does a caterpillar do on New Years Day? Turns over a new leaf!
  • What does a cow like to do by a campfire? Roast Moosmallows!
  • What does a footballer and a magician have in common? Both do hat tricks!
  • What does a monster do when he loses his head? He calls a head hunter.
  • What does a sour puss eat? Crab meat.
  • What does a spider do when he gets angry? He goes up the wall!
  • What does a squid sheriff form? An octoposse!
  • What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
  • What does a vampire stand on after taking a shower? A bat mat.
  • What does a witch do if her broom is stolen? She calls the flying squad!
  • What does a witch get if she's a poor traveler? Broom sick.
  • What does an aardvark use when he has a cold? An ant-ihistamine!
  • What does an envelope say when you lick it? Nothing. It just shuts up.
  • What does not destroy me, makes me strong. [Or, What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.]. -Friedrich Neitzche
  • What does the 1286BC incribed on the mummy's tomb indicate? The registration of the car that ran him over!
  • What does the dentist of the year get? . . . A little plaque.
  • What does the hungry monster get after he's eaten too much ice cream? More ice cream!
  • What doesn't get any wetter no matter how much it rains? The ocean
  • What dog is a cousin to the Dalmatian? A spot-weiler!
  • What dog would you want on your American football team? A golden receiver!
  • What dogs never get lost? Newfound-lands!
  • What drinks milk, meows, and has eight legs? An octo-puss.
  • What driver doesn't have a license? A screw driver.
  • What ever beauty may be, it has for its basis order, and for its essence unity. - Father Andre
  • What excuse does an Ape give for abducting a pretty girl? I can't help it - she brings out the beast in me!
  • What fish is best to have in a boat? A Sailfish.
  • What fish make the best sandwich? A peanut butter and jellyfish
  • What food are you able to can? Cannibal (can able) food.
  • What food is good for the brain? Noodle soup.
  • What gas do snails prefer? Shell.
  • What girl's name is like a letter? Kay (K).
  • What goes Blonde, Brunette, Blonde, Brunette? A blonde doing cartwheels.
  • What goes Clip? A one legged horse!
  • What goes around comes around.
  • What goes cackle, cackle, boom? A witch in a minefield.
  • What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak? Morse toad!
  • What goes hum-choo, hum choo? A bee with a cold!
  • What goes into the mouth of a quarter horse? Two bits!
  • What goes round the middle of the Internet? The e-quator.
  • What goes up slowly and comes down quickly? An elephant in a lift!
  • What grade did the cat get on his test? He got a Purrrr-fect score.
  • What great thing would you attempt if you knew you could not fail? ~Robert H. Schuller
  • What greater gift than the love of a cat. - Charles Dickens
  • What happened to Frankenstein's monster on the road? He was stopped for speeding, fined $50 and dismantled for six months.
  • What happened to the cannibal lion? He had to swallow his pride!
  • What happened to the chicken whose feathers were all pointing the wrong way? She was tickled to death!
  • What happened to the cold jellyfish? It set!
  • What happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic? His bark was much worse than it's bite!
  • What happened to the little frog who sat on the telephone? He grew up to be a bellhop!
  • What happened to the lizard in the wizard's garden pond? He had him newt-ered.
  • What happened to the man who tried to cross a lioin with a goat? He had to get a new goat!
  • What happened to the man who turned into an insect? He just beetled off!
  • What happened to the naughty little witch at school? She was ex-spelled.
  • What happened to the tiger who took a bath three times a day? After a week he was spotless!
  • What happened to the two mad vampires? They both went a little batty.
  • What happened when King Kong swallowed Big Ben? He found time-consuming.
  • What happened when the Ape won the door prize? He didn't take it - he already had a door!
  • What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after!
  • What happened when the barman died? The police held an inn-quest
  • What happened when the cannibal crossed the Atlantic on the QE2? He told the waiter to take the menu away and bring him the passenger list!
  • What happened when the girl dressed as a spoon left the Halloween party? No one moved. They couldn't stir without her.
  • What happened when the witch went for a job as a TV presenter? The producer said she had the perfect face for radio.
  • What happens if you cross a parrot with a Gorilla? Nobody is sure, but if it opened its mouth to speak, you'd listen!
  • What happens if you draw on the blackboard and the teacher told you not to? She draws a smack!
  • What happens if you put the Energizer Bunny's batteries in backwards? He keeps coming and coming and coming. . .
  • What happens if you upset a cannibal? You get into hot water.
  • What happens to a dog that keeps eating bits off of the table? He gets splinters in his mouth!
  • What happens when a cow stops shaving? It grows a Moostache.
  • What happens when a hen eats gunpowder? She lays hand gren-eggs!
  • What happens when ducks fly upside down? They quack up!
  • What happens when geese land in a volcano? They cook their own gooses!
  • What happens when the cows refuse to be milked? Udder chaos!
  • What happens when you drop a hand gren-egg? It eggs-plodes!
  • What has four legs, a tail, whiskers and flies? A dead cat.
  • What has four wheels and flies? A rubbish bin!
  • What has long ears, four legs, and is worn on your head? An Easter bunnet!
  • What has long ears, hops and likes websurfing? The e-aster bunny.
  • What has six legs, two arms, four eyes and a tail? A man holding an aardvark.
  • What has teeth but no mouth? A comb or a saw.
  • What has webbed feet and fangs? Count Quackula.
  • What have I got in my hands? A double decker bus! You looked!
  • What have men and spray paint in common? One squeeze and they're all over you.
  • What have you done wrong if your wife walks into the living room and slaps you. .... You have left the chain too long.
  • What helps keep your teeth together? Toothpaste.
  • What if Noah had gotten drunk while he was on the ark and said, "HEY! Throw the animals overboard--bring the fish up here!"
  • What if, on the first day of creation, God had goofed and said 'Let there be Heat?'
  • What insect can be spelled with just one letter? Bee.
  • What instrument do piggys play in a band? Pigcussion!
  • What is Dracula's favorite fruit? Neck-tarines.
  • What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
  • What is a French cat's favorite pudding? Chocolate mouse.
  • What is a Mexican weather report? Chilli today, hot tamale.
  • What is a baby bee? A little humbug.
  • What is a baby elephant after he is five weeks old? Six weeks old!
  • What is a bear's favourite drink? Koka-Koala!
  • What is a black cat's favourite TV show? Miami Mice!
  • What is a cannibal's favorite food? Baked Beings.
  • What is a cat's favorite color? Purrrrrrrple.
  • What is a cat's favorite subject in school? .... HISSSStory.
  • What is a cat's favorite subject in school? HISStory.
  • What is a computer virus? A terminal illness.
  • What is a cow's favourite TV show? Dr Moo!
  • What is a dogs favourite flower? Anything in your garden!
  • What is a dolphin's favorite TV show? Whale of fortune!
  • What is a duck's favorite dance? The quackstep!
  • What is a favorite cat tale? The Tortoiseshell and the Hair.
  • What is a goal keepers favourite snack? Beans on post!
  • What is a horses favourite kind of party? A stall ball.
  • What is a jockey's motto? Put your money where your mount is!
  • What is a knight's favourite fish? A swordfish!
  • What is a monster's favourite drink? Demonade.
  • What is a moo hoo for a cow that fell into the thresher? Ground round!
  • What is a pigs favourite ballet? Swine Lake!
  • What is a snowman's favorite book? War and Frozen Peas!
  • What is a thespian pony? A little horse play!
  • What is a vampire's favorite sport? Batminton.
  • What is a vampire's favourite soup? Scream of mushroom!
  • What is a witch's favourite TV show? Lifestyles of the Witch and Famous!
  • What is an archaeologist? Someone who's career is in ruins!
  • What is an autograph? A chart which shows car sales.
  • What is an elf's favourite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
  • What is art but a way of seeing? -Thomas Berger
  • What is big hairy and can fly? King Kongcorde!
  • What is big, hairy and can fly faster than sound? King Koncord.
  • What is black and white and black and white and black and white? A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill!
  • What is black and white and red all over? A Chihuahua in a tuxedo that tripped into a jar of salsa!
  • What is cleverer than a talking cat? A spelling bee!
  • What is green and smells? The Hulk's farts.
  • What is green, sooty and whistles when it rubs its back legs together? Chimney Cricket!
  • What is horse sense? Stable thinking and the ability to say nay!
  • What is once well done is done forever. -Henry David Thoreau
  • What is slimy and wobbly, tastes of raspberry and lives in the seas? A red jellyfish.
  • What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights? A mouseketeer!
  • What is smaller than an ant's dinner? An ant's mouth!
  • What is stronger an elephant or a snail? A snail, because it carries it's house, an elephant just carries its trunk!
  • What is the best way to hunt bear? With your clothes off.
  • What is the biggest ant in the world? An elephant!
  • What is the cannibals' favorite game? Swallow my Leader.
  • What is the cat's favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
  • What is the definition of a goose? An animal that grows down as it grows up!
  • What is the definition of moon? The past tense of moo!
  • What is the difference between a barking dog and an umbrella? The umbrella can be shut up.
  • What is the difference between a blind man and a sailor in prison? One can't see to go, the other can't go to sea.
  • What is the difference between a dressmaker and a farmer? A dressmaker sews what she gathers, a farmer gathers what he sows.
  • What is the difference between a flea and a wolf? One prowls on the hairy and the other howls on the prairie!
  • What is the difference between a flea bitten dog and a bored visitor? Ones going to itch and the other is itching to go!
  • What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher? One minds the train, the other trains the mind.
  • What is the difference between a poker player and a dog? In about ten years the dog quits whining.
  • What is the difference between a thief and a church bell? One steals from the people, the other peals, from the steeple.
  • What is the difference between an elephant and a flea? An elephant can have fleas but a flea can't have elephants!
  • What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
  • What is the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino? In a casino, you really mean it!
  • What is the difference between the government and the Mafia? One of them is organized.
  • What is the feeling that you've smelled a certain skunk before? Deja phew!
  • What is the first thing that vampires learn at school? The alphabat.
  • What is the golden rule for cows? Do unto udders as you would have udders do to you!
  • What is the hamburgers' motto? If at first you don't succeed, fry, fry again!
  • What is the most faithful insect? A flea, once they find someone they like they stick to them!
  • What is the most popular sport played by raindrops and hail stones? -Diving
  • What is the most romantic city in England? Loverpool!
  • What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're married.
  • What is the only breed of dog a boxer is afraid of? A Doberman puncher!
  • What is the slowest racehorse in the world? A clotheshorse!
  • What is the softest bed for a baby to sleep on? Cot-on-wool.
  • What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women.
  • What is the title of the new Vietnamamese cookbook? 100 way to wok your dog.
  • What is the witches motto? We came, we saw, we conjured!
  • What is worse than raining cats and dogs? Raining elephants!
  • What is yellow and goes click-click? A ball-point banana. Witch: Will I lose my looks as I get older? Wizard: With luck, yes. Witch:
  • What is your dog's favorite breakfast? Pooched eggs!
  • What job do rabbits at hotels have? Bellhop.
  • What jumps up and down in front of a car? Froglights!
  • What kind of Cat purrs the best? Purrrrr-sians.
  • What kind of a pitch did Sandy Koufax of the old Burger-lyn Dodgers have? A fastball - a sizzler.
  • What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
  • What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple.
  • What kind of bee can keep an aeroplane dry? An aero-drone!
  • What kind of bees hum and drop things? A fumble bee!
  • What kind of bird opens doors? A kiwi!
  • What kind of cat should you take into the desert? A first aid kitty!
  • What kind of cat should you take into the desert? A first aid kitty.
  • What kind of clothes do lawyers wear? Lawsuits.
  • What kind of company is a 24 hours hamburger joint? Fry-by-night!
  • What kind of dog can tell time? A clockshund!
  • What kind of dog can you best see in the dark? A glowberman pinscher!
  • What kind of dog is the most colorful? A paint Bernard!
  • What kind of dog is the smartest? A great brain!
  • What kind of fish will help you hear better? A herring aid!
  • What kind of food do maths teachers eat? Square meals!
  • What kind of girl does a hamburger like? Any girl named Patty!
  • What kind of leash should you buy for a Chihuahua? A short one!
  • What kind of meat do you give a stupid dog? Chump chops!
  • What kind of medicine does Dracula take for a cold? Coffin medicine.
  • What kind of modeling clay does a dog use? Fi-Do!
  • What kind of money do fishermen make? Net profits!
  • What kind of money do polar bears use? Ice lolly!
  • What kind of money do snowmen use? Iced lolly.
  • What kind of musical instrument can you use for fishing? The cast-a-net.
  • What kind of noise annoys an oyster? A noisy noise annoys an oyster! (Try saying that fast! )
  • What kind of party do prisoners in jail like most of all. A going-away party.
  • What kind of phone makes music? A saxophone.
  • What kind of pig do sows dislike? Male Chauvinist Pigs.
  • What kind of protozoa likes Halloween? An amoeboo!
  • What kind of sharks make good carpenters? Hammerheads!
  • What kind of snake is useful on your windscreen? A viper!
  • What kind of star wears sunglasses? A movie star.
  • What kind of thief steals meat? A hamburglar.
  • What kind of tiles can't you stick on walls? Reptiles!
  • What kind of umbrella does the Queen of England carry on a rainy day? A wet one.
  • What kind of whale flies? Pilot whales!
  • What kind of wig can hear? An earwig!
  • What language do birds speak? Pigeon English!
  • What language do the Vatican Police speak? Pig Latin!
  • What language do they speak in Cuba? Cubic!
  • What letter is like a vegetable? The letter P.
  • What letter should you avoid? The letter A because it makes men mean.
  • What lies on the ground 100 feet up in the air and smells? A dead centipede.
  • What lives in gum trees? Stick insects!
  • What looks like a dog, sounds like a dog, eats like a dog, but isn't a dog? A pup.
  • What looks like half a cat? The other half.
  • What makes humility so desirable is the marvelous thing it does to us; it creates in us a capacity for the closest possible intimacy with God
  • What monster flies his kite in a rain storm? Benjamin Frankenstein
  • What must a policeman have before searching a rabbits' home? A search warren!
  • What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.
  • What newspaper do cows read? The Daily Moos.
  • What newspapers do cats read? The Daily Mews.
  • What noise does a cat make going down the highway? Miaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow!
  • What now is proved was once only imagined. (William Blake)
  • What part of "No" don't you understand?
  • What part of a fish weighs the most? It's scales!
  • What part of a football ground is never the same? The changing rooms!
  • What people say behind your back is your standing in the community. -Ed Howe
  • What pill would you give to an elephant that can't sleep? Trunkquilizers!
  • What place of business helps dogs who have lost their tails? A retail store.
  • What powerful reptile is found in the Sydney opera house? The Lizard of Oz!
  • What profession did the parrot get into when it swallowed the clock? Politics
  • What question must always be answered, Yes? What does Y-E-S spell?
  • What really matters is what happens in us- not to us.
  • What sees a blind man when he's dreaming?
  • What should you buy if your hair falls out? A good vacuum cleaner!
  • What should you do if a monster runs through your front door? Run through the back door.
  • What should you do if a vampire borrows your comic? Wait for him to give it back.
  • What should you do if you find a snake sleeping in your bed? Sleep in the wardrobe!
  • What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses? Bronchitis (bronc-itis).
  • What snakes are good at sums? Adders!
  • What sort of a car has your dad got? I can't remember the name. I think it starts with T. Really - Ours only starts with gas.
  • What sort of clothes does a pet dog wear? A petticoat!
  • What sort of net is useless for catching fish? A football net!
  • What sort of perfume do snakes prefer? Poison by Christian Dior!
  • What sort of violin does a ghost play? A dreadivarius.
  • What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow? Cowboom!
  • What subject are snakes good at school? Hiss-tory!
  • What surfs the Internet and goes, 'Choo, Choo'? Thomas the Search Engine.
  • What system do they teach in Hamburger High's math courses? The meatric system, silly!
  • What the caterpillar calls the end, the butterfly calls the beginning.
  • What the caterpillar calls the end, the rest of the world calls a butterfly. -Lao Tzu
  • What three two-letter words denote "small"? ... "Is it in?"
  • What time does the wristwatch strap shop shut?
  • What time is it when five dogs are chasing a cat down the street? Five after one.
  • What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth Hurty!
  • What time is it when you sit on a pin? Spring time.
  • What time is it when your watchdog lets a robber take the family silver? Time to get a new watchdog.
  • What to you call a Russian flea? A Moscow-ito!
  • What to you get if you cross a parrot with an elephant? An animal that tells you everything that it remembers!
  • What type of sense of humor does rain have? -A very wet sense of humor
  • What type of wind is named after both a cat and a bat? Katabatic
  • What usually comes after the monster lights the birthday candles? The fire department.
  • What was Camelot famous for? It's knight life!
  • What was King Arthur's favourite game? Knights and crosses!
  • What was the first think Queen Elizabeth did on ascending to the throne? Sat down!
  • What was the name of the film about a killer lion that swam underwater? 'Claws. '
  • What was the name of the hog who was knighted by King Arthur? Sir Lunchalot.
  • What was the parrot doing in prison? It was a jail-bird!
  • What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas? Forty feet of track - all straight!
  • What we anticipate seldom occurs: but what we least expect generally happens. - Bill Hoest
  • What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from. -T. S. Eliot
  • What we fight against defines us as clearly as all we embrace.
  • What we know is not much; what we do not know is immense. - Pierre
  • What we really need is a moment of SCIENCE in the public schools!
  • What we see depends mainly on what we look for. -Sir John Lubbock
  • What we think or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only thing of consequence is what we do. -John Ruskin
  • What will fall on the lawn first? An autumn leaf or a Christmas catalogue?
  • What wisdom can you find that is greater than kindness? -Jean Jacques Rousseau
  • What word allows you to take away two letters and get one? Stone.
  • What works in a circus, walks a tightrope and has claws? An acrocat.
  • What would be the use of immortality to a person who cannot use well a half an hour. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • What would happen if pigs went on strike? They'd form pigget lines.
  • What would happen if tarantulas were as big as horses? If one bit you, you could ride it to hospital!
  • What would you get if you crossed a monster with a Thanksgiving dessert? Bumpkin pie!
  • What would you get if you crossed a monster with a redcoat? A bigger target.
  • What would you get if you crossed a witch with a famous movie director? Steven Spellberg!
  • What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with a famous French general? Napoleon Bunnyparte!
  • What would you hear at a cow concert? Moo-sic!
  • What you can become you are already. -Hebbel Friedrich
  • What you cannot enforce, do not command. - Socrates
  • What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. -Zig Ziglar
  • What you get by reaching your destination is not nearly as important as what you will become by reaching your destination.
  • What you see and hear depends a great deal on where you are standing; it also depends on what sort of person you are.
  • What's Scrooge's favourite Christmas game? Mean-opoly.
  • What's a frogs favourite flower? A croakus!
  • What's a moo hoo for a bunch of weirdo cattle? A nerd herd!
  • What's a moo hoo for the sound you hear when a cow spits? A cud thud!
  • What's a rabbits' favorite musical? Hare.
  • What's a rabbits' favorite song? Hoppy Birthday to You.
  • What's a sea serpent's favourite meal? Fish and ships!
  • What's a shy and retiring accountant? An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring.
  • What's a skunk's philosophy of life? Eat, stink and be merry!
  • What's a snake's favourite food? Hiss Cakes!
  • What's a vampire's favorite dance? The Fang Tango.
  • What's a vampire's favorite drink? A Bloody Mary.
  • What's a vampire's favorite hobby? In-grave-ing.
  • What's a zombie say when he gets a letter from his girlfriend? It's a dead letter day.
  • What's a zombie's favorite pop song? Dead sails in the sunset.
  • What's an extroverted accountant? One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
  • What's an octopuses favourite latin saying? Squid pro quo!
  • What's another name for an assistant stable cleaner? A co-pile-it!
  • What's another word for Thesaurus?
  • What's another word for a murderer who kills old ladies? A Killergran.
  • What's at the end of Moby Dick? A whale of a time!
  • What's big and grey and protects you from the rain? An umbrellaphant!
  • What's big and hairy and goes 'beep beep'? A monster in a traffic jam.
  • What's big and ugly and drinks out of the wrong side of the glass? A monster trying to get rid of hiccups.
  • What's big, heavy, furry, dangerous and has sixteen wheels? A monster on roller-skates.
  • What's black and white and makes a lot of noise? A zebra with a set of drums.
  • What's black and white, stinks and hangs from a line? A drip dry skunk.
  • What's black, yellow and covered in blackberries? A bramble bee!
  • What's blue and sings alone? - Dan Ackroyd.
  • What's brown and white and flies all over? Thanksgiving turkey, when you carve it with a chain saw!
  • What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade!
  • What's furry, has whiskers and chases outlaws? A posse cat!
  • What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
  • What's grey and wrinkly and jumps every twenty seconds? An elephant with hiccups!
  • What's grey but turns red? An embarrassed elephant!
  • What's long and stylish and full of cats? The Easter Purrade!
  • What's long, hard, and has semen in it? A submarine!
  • What's musical and holds gallons and gallons of beer? A barrel organ.
  • What's new?
  • What's pink and gray and wrinkly and old and belongs to Grandpa monster? - Grandma monster
  • What's red and green and wears boxing gloves? A fruit punch.
  • What's tennis players favourite city? Volley wood!
  • What's the best city to search the World Wide Web in? Rome.
  • What's the best thing about deadly snakes? They've got poisonality!
  • What's the best thing to put into a pizza? Your teeth.
  • What's the best way to catch a fish? Have someone throw it at you.
  • What's the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.
  • What's the biggest moth in the world? A mammoth!
  • What's the definition of a Parapet? Pet parrot kept by parachutist!
  • What's the definition of a good tax accountant? Someone who has a loophole named after him.
  • What's the definition of a school report? A poison pen letter from the principal.
  • What's the definition of an accountant? Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
  • What's the difference between a biscuit and a monster? You can dip a biscuit in your tea, but a monster is too big to fit in the cup.
  • What's the difference between a bus driver and a cold? A bus driver knows the stops, and a cold stops the nose.
  • What's the difference between a hunter and a fisherman? A hunter lies in wait. A fisherman waits and lies.
  • What's the difference between a man and E. T. ? E. T. phoned home.
  • What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
  • What's the difference between a nurse and a nun? A nun only serves one God.
  • What's the difference between a reindeer and a snowball? They're both brown, except the snowball.
  • What's the difference between a sick elephant and seven days? One is a weak one and the other one week!
  • What's the difference between a teacher and a conductor on the railroad? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
  • What's the difference between a vampire with toothache and a rainstorm? One roars with pain and the other pours with rain.
  • What's the difference between a worm and an apple? Have you ever tried worm pie? !
  • What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 3, 000 miles!
  • What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irishfuneral? One less drunk.
  • What's the difference between an elephant and a bad pupil? One rarely bites and the other barely writes!
  • What's the difference between an elephant and a banana? Have you ever tried to peel an elephant?
  • What's the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper? You can't make a paper aeroplane out of an elephant!
  • What's the difference between an injured elephant and bad weather? One roars with pain and the other pours with rain!
  • What's the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car? -They boo-kle their seatbelts
  • What's the greatest birthday present? Hard to say - but a drum takes a lot of beating.
  • What's the hardest part of milking a mouse? Getting it to fit over a bucket!
  • What's the most popular wine at Christmas? I don't like sprouts!
  • What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do? Go into town and gang-audit someone.
  • What's the speed limit of sex? 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
  • What's the unluckiest kind of cat to have? A catastrophe!
  • What's the unluckiest kind of cat to have? A catastrophe.
  • What's the witches favourite pop group? Broomski Beat!
  • What's the worst thing that can happen to a quarterback? He loses his confidence. -Terry Bradshaw
  • What's yellow, comes from Peru, and is completely unknown? Waterloo Bear, Paddington Bear's forgotten cousin!
  • Whatever ...
  • Whatever Sceptic could inquire for, For every why he had a wherefore. - Samuel Butler (1)
  • Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame. - George Eliot (pseudonym of Mary Ann Evans Cross)
  • Whatever is flexible and living will tend to grow; whatever is rigid and blocked will wither and die. -Lao Tzu
  • Whatever is worth doing at all, is worth doing well. -Lord Chesterfield
  • Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve. -W Clement Stone
  • Whatever you do, or dream, begin it now.. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.
  • Whats green and goes round and round at 100 miles an hour? A frog in a blender!
  • Whats the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
  • Whats worse than biting in to an apple and find a maggot .........
  • Whattttt! Cant upload my sexy nurse picture.
  • When Bishop Berkeley said "there was no matter." And proved it - 't was no matter what he said. - Lord Byron (George Gordon Noel Byron)
  • When Cthulhu Calls, he calls 1-800-Collect.
  • When George Washington was a general, why did he like to have dogs around? They were very helpful during the Roverlutionary War!
  • When God allows a burden to be put upon you, He will put His arms underneath you to help you carry it.
  • When God closes a door He opens a window.
  • When I am delivering my very best, then that is when I feel successful. - Art Fettig
  • When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did - in his sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his car.
  • When I dream, I am ageless. -Elizabeth Coatsworth
  • When I grow up, I wanna be just like Barbie. That Bitch has Everything!
  • When I pray, coincidences happen, and when I don't pray, they don't.
  • When I saw those pictures of me at the poker tournament, I couldn't believe how old I looked - Doyle Brunson
  • When I sit down at my writing desk, time seems to vanish. I think it's a wonderful way to spend one's life. -Erica Jong
  • When I was a child I could remember anything.... Whether it happened or not. (Mark Twain)
  • When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half. -Gracie Allen
  • When I was young I WALKED to school,... uphill,.... both ways.
  • When I work fourteen hours a day, seven days a week, I get lucky. -Dr. Armand Hammer
  • When Jesus ascended into heaven, who got custody of the Halo?
  • When Jesus changed the water into wine at the wedding of Cana, wasn't that enabling behavior?
  • When Jesus was on the cross, to pass the time, did he pretend he was an airplane?
  • When Lee ate raw onions for a week what did he become? Lone Lee.
  • When a cats rubs up against you, the cat is marking you with it's scent claiming ownership.
  • When a dirty kid has finished taking a bath, what is still dirty? The bathtub.
  • When a man is wrong and won't admit is, he always gets angry. -Thomas Haliburton. - Thomas Haliburton
  • When a man points a finger at someone else, he should remember that four of his fingers are pointing at himself. -Louis Nizer
  • When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
  • When a person applies enthusiasm to his job, the job will itself become alive with exciting new possibilities. -Norman Vincent Peale
  • When ability exceeds ambition, or ambition exceeds ability, the likelihood of success is limited. -Ralph Half
  • When all else fails, read the instructions.
  • When an ape visits his tailor, what kind of a suit does he order? A zoo-t suit!
  • When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been correct in the first place.
  • When an old man dies, a library burns down.
  • When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. -Mark Twain
  • When asked by his Boss why he only worked 4 days a week the enployee replied because I can't manage on 3 days a week.
  • When can you count on a hamburger in an emergency? When the chips are down!
  • When did the Gorillas start to picket the cookie factory? The day they started to manufacture animal crackers!
  • When did the criminal get smart? When the judge threw the book at him.
  • When do burgers quit their jobs? The day they decide to meat LOAF!
  • When do cannibals cook you? On Fried-days.
  • When do computers go to sleep? When it's internight.
  • When do e-mails stop being in black and white? When they are read.
  • When do ghosts play tricks on each other? On April Ghoul's Day
  • When do hamburgers most enjoy watching TV? During PRIME time!
  • When do men insist that women are illogical? When a woman doesn't agree with them.
  • When does a bed grow longer? At night, because two feet are added to it.
  • When does a horse neigh? Whinny wants to!
  • When does a rabbit go exactly as fast as a train? When it's on the train.
  • When doesn't a telephone work underwater? When it's wringing wet!
  • When dogs leap onto your bed, it's because they adore being with you. When cats leap onto your bed, it's because they adore your bed.
  • When everything seems to be going against you, remember the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it. (Henry Ford)
  • When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  • When faced with to evils, take the one you never tried before!
  • When fear knocks at the door, and you answer, there will be no one there.
  • When fight begins within himself, a man's worth something. - Sir Frederick Browning
  • When he's out driving, where does Dracula like to stop and eat? The Happy Biter.
  • When in charge ponder. When in trouble delegate. When in doubt mumble. -Unknown Author
  • When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
  • When in doubt, consult your inner child if it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
  • When in doubt, tell the truth. (Mark Twain)
  • When in doubt. . . mumble.
  • When is a bicycle not a bicycle? When it turns into a driveway.
  • When is a car like a frog? When it's becing toad!
  • When is a dog most impolite? When he points.
  • When is a letter damp? When it has postage due (dew).
  • When is an English teacher like a judge? When she hands out long sentences.
  • When it is dark enough, you can see the stars. -Charles Austin Beard
  • When it is dark enough, you can see the stars. -Charles Austin Beard.
  • When it seems that someone has shattered your dreams....pick up even the smallest of pieces and use them to build bigger and better dreams.
  • When kittens start exploring at 3-4 weeks old is a time to interact with the kittens to get them used to being handled by hoomans.
  • When love and skill work together, expect a masterpiece. -John Ruskin
  • When meditation is mastered, the mind is unwavering like the flame of a lamp in a windless place. -Bhagavad Gita
  • When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences then love has a chance to blossom. -John Gray
  • When not in stores, Republicans shop from a catalog. Democrats watch for incredible TV offers on late night television.
  • When pigs get a toothache, who do they see? ' Painless Porker.
  • When sharing a bed, cats need the three-quarters nearest the wall.
  • When someone asks me what I think, I tell them: "I think all of the meat around a pig's ass is pork." (Tim Early)
  • When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
  • When something terrible happens people wake up
  • When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
  • When the Church Ruled the World, it was called the Dark Ages.
  • When the congregation falls asleep it is time for the minister to wake up.
  • When the flower blooms, the bees come uninvited. -Rama Krishna
  • When the going gets tough, upgrade.
  • When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail. -Abraham Maslow
  • When the work is done, I will have time for myself.
  • When there's a will, I want to be in it!
  • When they were giving out brains, you thought they said grains, and you said "Make mine oatmeal"
  • When they were giving out heads, you thought they said sheds, and you said "I'd like a nice big wooden one"
  • When they were giving out looks, you thought they said books, and you said "Give me something funny"
  • When they were handing out brains you arrived too late, all you got was a rain check.
  • When two men share an umbrella, both of them get wet. - Michael Isenberg
  • When ur life is in darkness pray 2 free u 4rm darkness & after u pray &ur still in darkness, pls pay ur ELECTRICITY BILL
  • When walking through the "valley of shadows," remember, a shadow is cast by a Light. - H.k. Barclay
  • When we do more than we are paid to do, eventually we will be paid more for what we do. -Zig Ziglar
  • When we make mistakes they call it evil. When God makes mistakes they call it Nature! ~Jack Nicholson in The Witches of Eastwick
  • When we see men of a contrary character, we should turn inwards and examine ourselves. -Confucius
  • When we speak of the commerce with our colonies, fiction lags after truth, invention is unfruitful, and imagination cold and barren. - Edmund Burke
  • When well treated, a cat can live twenty or more years.
  • When written in Chinese, the word "crisis" is composed of two characters. One represents danger, and the other represents opportunity.
  • When written in Chinese, the word 'crisis' is composed of two characters. One represents danger and the other represents opportunity.
  • When you aim for perfection, you discover it's a moving target. -Geoffrey F. Fisher
  • When you are alone you are all your own. -Leonardo Da Vinci
  • When you are arguing with a fool, make sure he isn't doing the same thing. -Unknown author
  • When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn't doing the same thing.
  • When you are down on your back, if you can look up, you can get up.
  • When you are in any contest you should work as if there were - to the very last minute - a chance to lost it. -Dwight D. Eisenhower
  • When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut. -Anonymous
  • When you are in the valley, keep your goal firmly in view and you will get the renewed energy to continue the climb. -Denis Waitley
  • When you are kind to others, it not only changes you, it changes the world. -Harold Kushner
  • When you are standing on the edge of a cliff a step forward is not progress.
  • When you are standing on the edge of a cliff a step forward is not progress. (Grandfather)
  • When you believe in a thing, believe in it all the way, implicitly and unquestionably. -Walt Disney
  • When you believe you can - you can!
  • When you can't have what you want, it's time to start wanting what you have. -Kathleen A. Sutton
  • When you cannot make up your mind which of two evenly balanced courses of action you should take - choose the bolder. -William Joseph Slim
  • When you cannot make up your mind which of two evenly balanced courses of action you should take-choose the bolder.
  • When you cease to dream you cease to live. -Malcolm S. Forbes
  • When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.
  • When you come to a roadblock, take a detour. -Mary Kay Ash
  • When you have seven percent unemployed, you have ninety-three percent working. -John F. Kennedy
  • When you have them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. -Jerry Martin
  • When you hear a kind word spoken about a friend, tell her so.
  • When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself. -Wayne Dyer
  • When you lie with dogs you get fleas.
  • When you stop having dreams and ideals - well, you might as well stop altogether. -Marian Anderson
  • When you take stuff from one writer it's plagiarism; but when you take it from many writers, it's research. - Wilson Mizner
  • When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.
  • When you're out of quality, you're out of business. -Unknown Author
  • When your Cat rubs up against you, she is actually marking you as hers with her scent.
  • When your heart speaks, take good notes.
  • When your opponent's sittin' there holdin' all the aces, there's only one thing to do: kick over the table. - Dean Martin
  • When your outgo exceeds your income your upkeep will be your downfall.
  • When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt. -Henry J. Kaiser
  • Whenever anyone says, 'theoretically,' they really mean, 'not really.'. - Dave Parnas
  • Where Goddess Goes, Magic Grows.
  • Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
  • Where can you always find money? In the dictionary.
  • Where did the Easter Bunny go to college? Johns Hopkins!
  • Where did the Knights of the Round Table park their horses? In the Sir Lance Lot
  • Where did the mooron take the baby cow to eat? To the calf-ateria!
  • Where did the newlywed horses stay? In the bridle suite!
  • Where did the pilgrims land when they came to America? On their feet!
  • Where do Eskimos train their dogs? In the mush room!
  • Where do Martians drink beer? At a mars bar!
  • Where do ants go for their holidays? Frants!
  • Where do bees go on holiday? Stingapore!
  • Where do bees keep their money? In a honey box!
  • Where do bees keep their money? In a honey box.
  • Where do blind sparrows go for treatment? The Birds Eye counter!
  • Where do cowboys cook their meals? On the range.
  • Where do cows like to live? St. Moo-is.
  • Where do fish wash? In a river basin!
  • Where do ghost trains stop? At devil crossings.
  • Where do hamsters come from? Hamsterdam!
  • Where do hogs keep their money? In piggy banks.
  • Where do rabbits go after their wedding? On their bunnymoon.
  • Where do the burgers go on New Year's Eve? To a meat ball!
  • Where do the cleverest parrots live? In the brain tree forests!
  • Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?
  • Where do you find a birthday present for a cat? In a cat-alogue!
  • Where do you find a down-and-out octopus? On squid row!
  • Where do you get frogs eggs? At the spawn shop!
  • Where do you put letters to boys? In a mail (male) box.
  • Where do you take a sick horse? To the Horspital!
  • Where do you usually find dogs? It all depends on where you lose them.
  • Where do you want Bill Gates to go today?
  • Where does an elephant carry its laptop? In its trunk.
  • Where does the Easter Bunny go when he needs a new tail? To a re-tail store!
  • Where does the Internet football team play? Webley.
  • Where does the bride of Frankenstein have her hair done? At the ugly parlour.
  • Where does the white go when the snow melts?
  • Where is Dracula's American office? The Vampire State Building.
  • Where is the best place to buy computer software? Washington C. D
  • Where is the monster's temple? On the side of his head.
  • Where talent is a dwarf, self-esteem is a giant. - Conceits and Caprices. - J. Petit-senn
  • Where there are friends, there is wealth. -Titus Muccius Plautus
  • Where there are friends; there is wealth. (Titus Maccius Plautus 250-184 BC)
  • Where there is great love, there are always miracles. -Willa Cather
  • Where we love is home, home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts. (Oliver Wendell Holmes)
  • Where will a springer spaniel never shop? At a flea market!
  • Where you start is not as important as where you finish. -Zig Ziglar
  • Where's the beef?
  • Where's the most dangerous place to go trick-or-treating? On the psycho path!
  • Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart. -Confucius
  • Wherever the fates lead us let us follow. -Virgil
  • Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for kindness. -Seneca
  • Wherever you are - be all there.
  • Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got. -Art Buchwald
  • Whether the risk of developing allergic diseases such as asthma is increased or decreased by cat ownership is uncertain.
  • Whether you think you can or think you can't - you are right. -Henry Ford
  • Whether you think you can or think you can't, you are right. (Henry Ford)
  • Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't, you're right! -Henry Ford
  • Whether zeal or moderation be the point we aim at, let us keep the fire out of the one, and the frost out of the other. -Joseph Addison
  • Which aardvark holds the speed record? The nearsighted aardvark, who wrapped his tongue around a motorcycle!
  • Which baseball team is currently the favourite with hamburger fans? The Cincinnati Reds -because they're the Big Bread Machine!
  • Which bird is always out of breath? A puffin!
  • Which day of the week do ghosts like best? Moandays.
  • Which dog eats with its tail? All dogs keep their tails on when eating.
  • Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
  • Which fish go to heaven when they die? Angelfish!
  • Which fly captured the ladybird? The dragon-fly.
  • Which insect didn't play well in goal? The fumble bee!
  • Which is Worse? Screwing an intern or screwing the country.
  • Which is the most dangerous animal in the Northern Hemisphere? Yak the Ripper
  • Which is the odd one out- Texas, Alabama, Arkanas, Tolerance?
  • Which is the only day you are safe in a cannibal village? Sitterdays (when they eat the baby-sitter instead).
  • Which people do the burgers hate? The ones who are always putting the bite on them!
  • Which snakes are found on cars? Windscreen vipers.
  • Which song title makes an Ape heartsick? Gorilla My Dreams!
  • Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
  • Which two letters are rotten for your teeth? D K
  • Which two names figure prominently in every Ape's diet? Ben/Anna!
  • Which vampire ate the three bears' porridge? Ghouldilocks.
  • Which wristwatch is a Swiss wristwatch?
  • While men talk of killing time, slowly time kills men.
  • While they were saying among themselves it cannot be done, it was done. -Helen Keller
  • While we were walking, we were watching window washers
  • While we were walking, we were watching window washers wash Washington's Windows with warm washing water.
  • White Anglo-Saxon PAGAN!
  • Whitney Balliett~ A critic is a bunch of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.
  • Whitney Moore Young~ Support the strong give courage to the timid remind the indifferent and warn the opposed.
  • Who can beat any burger at golf? Any LINKS sausage!
  • Who cares about reasoning anyway.
  • Who dares nothing, need hope for nothing. -Johann Friedrich Von Schiller
  • Who delivers Easter treats to all the fish in the sea? The Oyster Bunny!
  • Who do hamburgers love on TV? Archie Bunker's son-in-law, the meathead!
  • Who does Dracula get letters from? His fang club.
  • Who does a ghoul fall in love with? His ghoul friend.
  • Who doesn't like to sit in front of the fire? A Snowman.
  • Who dropped a wad of notes with an elastic band round them? I did! Well, here's the elastic band.
  • Who gossips to you will gossip of you.
  • Who has a long nose, wears a mask, and sits tall in the saddle? The Lone Aardvark!
  • Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!
  • Who has the best website in the jungle? The Onlion King.
  • Who has the most dangerous job in Transylvania? Dracula's dentist.
  • Who hath taken this counsel against Tyre, the crowning city, whose merchants were princes, whose traffickers are the honourable of the earth?
  • Who helped Cinderella's cat go to the ball? Her furry godmother.
  • Who holds up stagecoaches and steals laptop computers? Click Turpin
  • Who invented King Arthur's round table? Sir Circumference!
  • Who invented the telephone? The Phoenicians (phone-itions).
  • Who is a bee's favourite painter? Pablo Beecasso!
  • Who is a vampire likely to fall in love with? The girl necks door.
  • Who is more foolish, the child afraid of the dark, or the man afraid of the light? - Maurice Freehill
  • Who is sure of their own motives can in confidence advance or retreat. -Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
  • Who is the Easter Bunny's favourite movie actor? Rabbit De Niro!
  • Who is the biggest gangster in the sea? Al Caprawn!
  • Who is the boss around here anyway?
  • Who is the fastest runner in history. Adam - because he was the first in the human race.
  • Who is the most powerful ghoul? Judge Dread.
  • Who is the smelliest, hairiest monarch in the world? King Pong.
  • Who needs drugs? I go broke buying books!
  • Who plays center forward for the vampire football team? The ghoulscorer.
  • Who puts the thin ice sign in the middle of the thin ice?
  • Who rode a dog and was a confederate general during the American Civil War? Robert E Flea!
  • Who was the best actor in the bible? Samson, he brought the house down!
  • Who was the most famous ant scientist? Albert Antstein!
  • Who was the most famous pirate octopus? Captain Squid!
  • Who was the most powerful cat in China? Chairman Miaow!
  • Who went into a witche's den and came out alive? The witch!
  • Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
  • Who wins most of the medals for bravery in Burger Land? The meatball heros!
  • Who won the race between two balls of string? They we're tied!
  • Who you know determines where you go!
  • Who's the chief of the internet? E-ronimo!
  • Whodunnit? by Ivor Clew
  • Whoever I am, or whatever I am doing, some kind of excellence is within my reach. -John W. Gardner
  • Whoever acquires knowledge and does not practice it resembles him who ploughs his land and leaves it unsown. (Gulistan 1258)
  • Whoever acquires knowledge but does not practice it, is as one who plows but does not sow. -Saadi
  • Whoever called snooker chess with balls was rude, but right. ~Clive James
  • Whoever does not regard what he has as most amply wealth, is unhappy, though he be master of the world. -Epictetus
  • Whoever said, "It's not whether you win or lose that counts," probably lost. -Martina Navratilova
  • Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods. - Harlan Ellison
  • Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad. - Anonymous
  • Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
  • Whose parrot sits on his shoulder shouting Pieces of four? Short John Silver!

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