Funny Quotes - Page 7

  • What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas? .... Nice tooth!
  • What's the most popular wine at Christmas? I don't like sprouts!
  • What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do? Go into town and gang-audit someone.
  • What's the national anthem of Puerto Rico? Attention K-Mart shoppers. . .
  • What's the object of a Jewish football game? To get the quarter back!
  • What's the speed limit of sex? 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
  • What's the ultimate in rejection? When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
  • What's the ultimate rejection? When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
  • What's the unluckiest kind of cat to have? A catastrophe!
  • What's the witches favourite pop group? Broomski Beat!
  • What's the worst thing about having to kiss Grandma? When the damn coffin lid falls and hits you in the head.
  • What's the worst thing you're likely to find in the school cafeteria? The food!
  • What's wet and wiggly and says how do you do sixteen times? Two octopuses shaking hands.
  • What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? - A woman that won't do what she's told.
  • What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? An aardvark with the sniffles!
  • What's worse than having your doctor tell you that you have VD? Having your dentist tell you.
  • What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.
  • What's yellow and flashes? A banana with a loose connection.
  • What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
  • What's yellow on the outside and grey on the inside? An elephant disguised as a banana!
  • What's yellow, comes from Peru, and is completely unknown? Waterloo Bear, Paddington Bear's forgotten cousin!
  • What's yellow, has long ears, and grows on trees? The Easter Bunana!
  • What's yellow, has wheels and lies on its back? A dead school bus!
  • What's your dad getting for Christmas? Bald and fat.
  • Whatever ...
  • Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  • Whats a frogs favourite game? It's croak-et!
  • Whats black and white and red all over? A nun in a car accident.
  • Whats green and can jump a mile a minute? A frog with hiccups!
  • Whats green and goes round and round at 100 miles an hour? A frog in a blender!
  • Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas cake? Your teeth!
  • Whats the definition of love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
  • Whats the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
  • Whats the difference between premenstrual tension and BSE? One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.
  • Whats the difference between your wife and your job? After 10 years, the job still sucks.
  • Whats the world weakest animal? A toad, he croaks if you even touch him!
  • Whats white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions? A hot frog!
  • Whats worse than biting in to an apple and find a maggot .........
  • Whattttt! Cant upload my sexy nurse picture.
  • When Cthulhu Calls, he calls 1-800-Collect.
  • When George Washington was a general, why did he like to have dogs around? They were very helpful during the Roverlutionary War!
  • When God created man She must have been drunk and horny.
  • When God created man she was only kidding.
  • When God made man first, She was only practicing.
  • When God ordains, He sustains.
  • When He dried off, did He leave His face on all the towels?
  • When I am right nobody remembers. When I am wrong nobody forgets!
  • When I grow up, I wanna be just like Barbie. That Bitch has Everything!
  • When I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.
  • When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you
  • When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
  • When Jesus ascended into heaven, who got custody of the Halo?
  • When Jesus changed the water into wine at the wedding of Cana, wasn't that enabling behavior?
  • When Jesus took a shower, did He walk up the spray from the shower nozzle?
  • When Jesus was on the cross, to pass the time, did he pretend he was an airplane?
  • When Lee ate raw onions for a week what did he become? Lone Lee.
  • When Mike got arrested, they told him, Anything you say will be held against you. Mike said, Claudia Schiffer's breasts.
  • When Mr Maxwell's wife left him, he couldn't sleep. Why was that? She had taken the bed.
  • When Mr. Maxwell's wife left him he couldn't sleep. She took the bed!
  • When Shall We Meet Again? by Miles Apart
  • When a Buddhist is absorbed in his computer, does he enter Nerdvana?
  • When a baby is learning to eat, shouldn't he have an L-plate?
  • When a bull wants to listen to a cassette, what does he put on his head? Steer phones!
  • When a dirty kid has finished taking a bath, what is still dirty? The bathtub.
  • When a knight in armour was killed in battle, what sign did they put on his grave? Rust in peace!
  • When a man does not know what harbor he is making for, no wind is the right wind.
  • When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
  • When a person is groping in life, we say he has not found himself. This statement is not accurate. Self is created, not found.
  • When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it remind him of an empty classroom? Because there are no pupils to see!
  • When all else fails, manipulate the data!
  • When all else fails, read the instructions.
  • When an ape visits his tailor, what kind of a suit does he order? A zoo-t suit!
  • When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been correct in the first place.
  • When are Pomeranians good at taking photographs? Only when they snap at something!
  • When can you count on a hamburger in an emergency? When the chips are down!
  • When can you dive in a swimming pool and not get your hair wet? When your bald!
  • When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
  • When defeat comes, accept it as a signal that your plans are not sound, rebuild those plans, and set sail once more toward your coveted goal.
  • When did Caesar reign? I didn't know he reigned. Of course he did, didn't they hail him?
  • When did the Gorillas start to picket the cookie factory? The day they started to manufacture animal crackers!
  • When did the criminal get smart? When the judge threw the book at him.
  • When do accountants laugh out loud? When somebody asks for a raise
  • When do burgers quit their jobs? The day they decide to meat LOAF!
  • When do cannibals cook you? On Fried-days.
  • When do clocks die? When their time is up.
  • When do computers go to sleep? When it's internight.
  • When do e-mails stop being in black and white? When they are read.
  • When do ghosts play tricks on each other? On April Ghoul's Day
  • When do ghosts usually appear? Just before someone screams.
  • When do hamburgers most enjoy watching TV? During PRIME time!
  • When do men insist that women are illogical? When a woman doesn't agree with them.
  • When do rabbits have buck teeth? When their parents won't get them braces.
  • When do vampires bite you? On Wincedays.
  • When does a bed grow longer? At night, because two feet are added to it.
  • When does a dog go moo? When it is learning a new language!
  • When does a female deer need money? When she doesn't have a buck.
  • When does a hamburger wear a look like a smile button? When somebody says, 'Well done'!
  • When does a horse neigh? Whinny wants to!
  • When does a horse talk on the phone? Whinny wants to!
  • When does a person decide to become an accountant? When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
  • When does a rabbit go exactly as fast as a train? When it's on the train.
  • When doesn't a telephone work underwater? When it's wringing wet!
  • When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  • When faced with to evils, take the one you never tried before!
  • When fish play football, who is the captain? The team's kipper!
  • When he's out driving, where does Dracula like to stop and eat? The Happy Biter.
  • When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
  • When in doubt - shup up!
  • When is a bicycle not a bicycle? When it turns into a driveway.
  • When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
  • When is a black dog not a black dog? When it's a greyhound!
  • When is a car like a frog? When it's becing toad!
  • When is a dog most impolite? When he points.
  • When is a farmer like a magician? When he turns his cow into pasture.
  • When is a letter damp? When it has postage due (dew).
  • When is a lion not a lion? When he turns into his cage!
  • When is a parent like a child? When he's a miner.
  • When is a pig an ecologist? When he recycles garbage into ham.
  • When is an English teacher like a judge? When she hands out long sentences.
  • When is an aardvark jumpy? When he's got ants in his pants!
  • When is it unlucky to see a black cat? When your a mouse!
  • When is the best time to buy budgies? When they're going cheap!
  • When is the best time to go shopping? When the stores are open.
  • When is the most likely time that a stray dog will walk into your house? When the door is open!
  • When is the water in the shower room musical? When it's piping hot.
  • When is your birthday? 17th January. What year? Every year!
  • When is your mind like a rumpled bed? When it isn't made up yet.
  • When it is dark enough, men see the stars.
  • When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
  • When not in stores, Republicans shop from a catalog. Democrats watch for incredible TV offers on late night television.
  • When pigs get a toothache, who do they see? ' Painless Porker.
  • When pigs have a party, who jumps out of the cake? Nobody. The pigs all jump in.
  • When praying, don't give God instructions -- just report for duty.
  • When rapture comes. I'll move in with your family.
  • When she told me I was average, I figured she was just being Mean.
  • When should a mouse carry an umbrella? When it's raining cats and dogs!
  • When should you feed milk to a baby elephant? When it's a baby elephant!
  • When should you feel sorry for a skunk? When its spray pump is out of order!
  • When someone close to u dies... move seats
  • When something terrible happens people wake up
  • When the Church Ruled the World, it was called the Dark Ages.
  • When the Rapture comes, can I go to the Summerlands instead?
  • When the cat's away. . . . . ? The house smells better!
  • When the chips are down, the Buffalo is empty!
  • When the crooked hamburger took it on the 'lamb', where did it go? Oh, 'ewe' know!
  • When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.
  • When there's a will, I want to be in it!
  • When there's a will, I want to be in it.
  • When toasting the holidays, Republicans ask for eggnog or mulled wine. Democrats ask for a Bud.
  • When ur life is in darkness pray 2 free u 4rm darkness & after u pray &ur still in darkness, pls pay ur ELECTRICITY BILL
  • When we do more than we are paid to do, eventually we will be paid more for what we do.
  • When were King Arthur's army too tired to fight? When they had lots of sleepless knights!
  • When written in Chinese, the word 'crisis' is composed of two characters. One represents danger and the other represents opportunity.
  • When you are down on your back, if you can look up, you can get up.
  • When you are tired of Jesus, can I have him?
  • When you believe you can - you can!
  • When you call a dog, they usually come to you. When you call a cat; they take a message.
  • When you cannot make up your mind which of two evenly balanced courses of action you should take-choose the bolder.
  • When you catch your dog eating a dictionary, what should you do? Take the words right out of his mouth.
  • When you develop a game plan to get what you want, you will develop a belief that you can get it.
  • When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
  • When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the Tax man.
  • When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
  • When you have a number of disagreeable duties to perform, always do the most disagreeable first.
  • When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
  • When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
  • When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.
  • Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
  • Whenever you have truth it must be given with love, or the message and the messenger will be rejected.
  • Whenever you see a successful business, someone once made a courageous decision.
  • Where Goddess Goes, Magic Grows.
  • Where are most fish found? Between the head and the tail!
  • Where are the PM radio stations?
  • Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
  • Where can a burger get a great night's sleep? On a bed of lettuce!
  • Where can you always find money? In the dictionary.
  • Where can you dance in California? San Frandisco.
  • Where did Cain's wife come from?
  • Where did all the cuts and blood come from? The school went on a trip!
  • Where did the Easter Bunny go to college? Johns Hopkins!
  • Where did the Gorilla play baseball? In the bush leagues, of course!
  • Where did the Knights of the Round Table park their horses? In the Sir Lance Lot
  • Where did the bull carry his stock-market report? In his beef case!
  • Where did the burgers go after their wedding? On a bun-eymoon!
  • Where did the dog breeder keep his savings? In bark-lays bank!
  • Where did the fortune-teller go on her vacation? To Palm Beach.
  • Where did the meteorologist stop for a drink on the way home from a long day in the studio? The nearest ISOBAR! !
  • Where did the mooron take the baby cow to eat? To the calf-ateria!
  • Where did the newlywed horses stay? In the bridle suite!
  • Where did the piglets study their ABC's? At a school for higher loining.
  • Where did the pilgrims land when they came to America? On their feet!
  • Where did the witch get her furniture? From the ideal gnome exhibition!
  • Where did vampires go to first in America? New-fang-land.
  • Where do Danish cows come from? Cowpenhagenf
  • Where do Easter bunnies dance? At the basketball.
  • Where do Eskimos keep their money? In snowbanks.
  • Where do Eskimos train their dogs? In the mush room!
  • Where do Martians drink beer? At a mars bar!
  • Where do Russian cows come from? Moscow!
  • Where do Snowmen go to dance? To snowballs.
  • Where do ants go for their holidays? Frants!
  • Where do ants go to eat? At a restaurant!
  • Where do astronauts leave their spaceships? At parking meteors!
  • Where do astronauts leave their spaceships? At parking meteors.
  • Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Dayscare centers
  • Where do bad pigs go? They get sent to the pen.
  • Where do bees go on holiday? Stingapore!
  • Where do bees keep their money? In a honey box!
  • Where do bees keep their money? In a honey box.
  • Where do birds invest their money? In the stork market!
  • Where do birds meet for coffee? In a nest-cafe!
  • Where do blind parrots go for treatment? The Birds Eye counter!
  • Where do blind sparrows go for treatment? The Birds Eye counter!
  • Where do cars get the most flat tires? Where there is a fork in the road.
  • Where do children learn their ABC's? At LMN-tary school!
  • Where do cowboys cook their meals? On the range.
  • Where do cows like to live? St. Moo-is.
  • Where do cows like to ride on trains? In the cow-boose.
  • Where do fish come from? Finland!
  • Where do fish wash? In a river basin!
  • Where do football directors go when they are fed up? The bored room!
  • Where do footballers dance? At a football!
  • Where do frogs keep their treasure? In a croak of gold at the end of the rainbow!
  • Where do frogs leave their hats and coats? In the croakroom!
  • Where do ghost trains stop? At devil crossings.
  • Where do ghosts go for their holidays? The Dead Sea.
  • Where do ghosts mail their letters? At the ghost office.
  • Where do ghoulies go to on the day before Halloween party? To the boo-ty parlour.
  • Where do hamsters come from? Hamsterdam!
  • Where do hogs keep their money? In piggy banks.
  • Where do lightning bolts go on dates? -To cloud 9
  • Where do mermaids go to see movies? . . . The dive-in
  • Where do milk shakes come from? Nervous cows!
  • Where do old bowling balls end up? In the gutter!
  • Where do rabbits go after their wedding? On their bunnymoon.
  • Where do rabbits settle their legal disputes? In a pellet court!
  • Where do religious school children practice sports? In the prayground!
  • Where do retired pigs go for warm weather? The tropigs!
  • Where do sharks come from? Sharkago!
  • Where do snowmen go to dance? Snowballs!
  • Where do snowmen keep their money? In a snowbank!
  • Where do snowmen put their webpages? On the winternet.
  • Where do space monsters live? In far distant terror-tory.
  • Where do spiders play their FA Cup final? Webley stadium!
  • Where do steers go to dance? To the Meat Ball!
  • Where do the burgers go on New Year's Eve? To a meat ball!
  • Where do the cleverest parrots live? In the brain tree forests!
  • Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?
  • Where do trees keep their money? In branch banks.
  • Where do werewolves stay when they're on vacation? At the Howliday Inn!
  • Where do wind gusts go to on dates? -To Chicago
  • Where do you find a birthday present for a cat? In a cat-alogue!
  • Where do you find a down-and-out octopus? On squid row!
  • Where do you find monster snails? On the end of monsters fingers.
  • Where do you get frogs eggs? At the spawn shop!
  • Where do you go to meet the best fish? It doesn't matter - any old plaice will do.
  • Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment? A mental hospital.
  • Where do you put letters to boys? In a mail (male) box.
  • Where do you take a Chihuahua that has fallen into a lake? To a weterinarian!
  • Where do you take a sick horse? To the Horspital!
  • Where do you take a sick wasp? To waspital.
  • Where do you usually find dogs? It all depends on where you lose them.
  • Where does King Kong sleep? Anywhere he wants to.
  • Where does a burger feel at home? On the range!
  • Where does a burger go on vacation? The Swiss (cheese) Alps or The Cheeseapeake Valley!
  • Where does a cow stop to drink? The milky way!
  • Where does a ghost refuel his Porsche? At a ghastly station.
  • Where does a snowman put his birthday candles? On his birthday flake!
  • Where does a vampire take a bath? In the bat-room (bathroom).
  • Where does a woodsman keep his pigs? In his hog cabin!
  • Where does an elephant carry its laptop? In its trunk.
  • Where does saddam hussein keep his c. d collection? In Iraq (a rack)
  • Where does the Easter Bunny go when he needs a new tail? To a re-tail store!
  • Where does the Internet football team play? Webley.
  • Where does the aardvark family always come first? In the phone book!
  • Where does the bride of Frankenstein have her hair done? At the ugly parlour.
  • Where does the dentist get his gas? . . . At the filling station
  • Where does the white go when the snow melts?
  • Where is Dracula's American office? The Vampire State Building.
  • Where is Pinocchio's website? On the splinternet.
  • Where is a tornado put in jail to be punished? -In a high pressure cell
  • Where is everyone beautiful? In the dark.
  • Where is the best place to buy computer software? Washington C. D
  • Where is the best place to hide a lawyer? In a brief case.
  • Where is the monster's temple? On the side of his head.
  • Where is the most open green space in New York City? Central Pork
  • Where there's a Witch, there's a Way.
  • Where there's a whip, there's a way.
  • Where there's a will, I want to be in it!
  • Where was the Magna Carta signed? At the bottom!
  • Where will a springer spaniel never shop? At a flea market!
  • Where would you put an injured insect? In an antbulance!
  • Where would you take a ghost for lunch? Pizza Haunt!
  • Where's Spiderman's home page? On the world wide web.
  • Where's The Messiah When You Need HER?
  • Where's the most dangerous place to go trick-or-treating? On the psycho path!
  • Where's the safest place to hide money from a man? Under the soap
  • Which Elizabethan sailor could stop bikes? Sir Francis Brake!
  • Which England player keeps up the fuel supply? Paul gas coin!
  • Which Lord Mayor of London was always on the Internet? Click Whittington
  • Which aardvark holds the speed record? The nearsighted aardvark, who wrapped his tongue around a motorcycle!
  • Which astronaut wears the biggest helmet? The one with the biggest head.
  • Which author do the Gorillas love most? Joh Steinbeck - who wrote 'The Apes of Wrath! '
  • Which baseball team is currently the favourite with hamburger fans? The Cincinnati Reds -because they're the Big Bread Machine!
  • Which big cat should you never play cards with? A cheetah!
  • Which bird is always out of breath? A puffin!
  • Which bird ran for President? H. Ross Parrot
  • Which birds steal soap from the bath? Robber ducks!
  • Which book makes prudish Gorillas blush? The Naked Ape!
  • Which burger is famous for a long nose? Cyrano de Burgerac!
  • Which burgers are dishonest? Cat-burgers! (burglars)
  • Which burgers can tell your fortune? Medium burgers!
  • Which burgers love to act? Ham-burgers!
  • Which came first? The woman or the department store?
  • Which cheeseburger makes a big hit in baseball? A double!
  • Which city holds the record for the most suicides committed by a Gorilla jumping off a tall building? Fall-adelphia!
  • Which dance will a chicken not do? The foxtrot!
  • Which dances do the burgers do best? The burger-loo and the char char!
  • Which day of the week do ghosts like best? Moandays.
  • Which dog can tell time? A watchdog.
  • Which dog eats with its tail? All dogs keep their tails on when eating.
  • Which dog is always without a tail? A hot dog.
  • Which dog looks like a cat? A police dog in disguise.
  • Which dog tastes better when eaten? A hot dog.
  • Which drink makes a Gorilla feel tipsy? An ape-ricot sour!
  • Which end of a bus is it best to get off? It doesn't matter. Both ends stop.
  • Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
  • Which fish dresses the best? The Swordfish - It always looks sharp!
  • Which fish go to heaven when they die? Angelfish!
  • Which flavor ice cream is Dracula's favorite? Vein-illa.
  • Which fly captured the ladybird? The dragon-fly.
  • Which fly makes films? Stephen Speilbug!
  • Which football team loves ice-cream? Aston Vanilla!
  • Which football team to you need to connect up your computer? Leeds.
  • Which ghost ate too much porridge? Ghouldilocks.
  • Which ghost sailed the seven seas looking for rubbish and blubber? The ghost of BinBag the Whaler.
  • Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar? All of them, a crossbar can't jump!
  • Which hand would you use to pick up a dangerous snake? Someone else's!
  • Which insect didn't play well in goal? The fumble bee!
  • Which is Worse? Screwing an intern or screwing the country.
  • Which is better, an old ten dollar bill or a new one? An old ten dollar bill is better than a new one.
  • Which is the cheapest bicycle you can buy? A penny-farthing.
  • Which is the favourite Gorilla proverb? A fiend in need is a fiend indeed!
  • Which is the meat patties' least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
  • Which is the most dangerous animal in the Northern Hemisphere? Yak the Ripper
  • Which is the odd one out- Texas, Alabama, Arkanas, Tolerance?
  • Which is the only day you are safe in a cannibal village? Sitterdays (when they eat the baby-sitter instead).
  • Which is the only day you you are safe in a cannibal village? Sitter days (when they eat the baby-sitter instead)!
  • Which meatballs get a little tipsy on occasion? The POTTED ones!
  • Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most? Rudeolph
  • Which of our meaty friends are into astrology? Those that are born under the sign of the Ham!
  • Which of the Himalayas is the shortest?
  • Which of the seven dwarfs use the Internet? Happ-e, Sleep-e, Grump-e, Dope-e and Sneez-e.
  • Which of these jokes do the pigs like best? The corniest ones.
  • Which operetta make the Gorilla crack up? Nutty Marietta!
  • Which painter always had a very bad cold? Vincent Van Cough
  • Which people do the burgers hate? The ones who are always putting the bite on them!
  • Which political discussions between the Russians and Americans keenly interest Burger Land citizens? The SALT talks!
  • Which rabbit is a famous comedian? Bob Hop.
  • Which rabbit stole from the rich to give to the poor? Rabbit Hood.
  • Which rabbit was a famous female aviator? Amelia Harehart.
  • Which rabbit was in Western movies? Hopalong Cassidy.
  • Which rabbits were famous bank robbers? Bunny and Clyde.
  • Which route should you take through the woods when riding a fizzy horse? The psycho-path!
  • Which snakes are found on cars? Windscreen vipers.
  • Which song title makes an Ape heartsick? Gorilla My Dreams!
  • Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
  • Which two letters are rotten for your teeth? D K
  • Which two letters of the alphabet are nothing? MT (empty) .
  • Which two names figure prominently in every Ape's diet? Ben/Anna!
  • Which type of comedy leaves a hamburger cold? BITING humour!
  • Which vampire ate the three bears' porridge? Ghouldilocks.
  • Which vampire tried to eat James Bond? Ghouldfinger.
  • Which villains steal soap from the bath? Robber ducks.
  • Which weather features do druggies like most? Highs
  • Which wrestler do the Gorillas admire most? Gorilla Monsoon - he knows the ropes!
  • White Anglo-Saxon PAGAN!
  • White Witch!
  • Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
  • Who Saw Him Go? by Wendy Leeve
  • Who Shot JR? by U Dunnit
  • Who are the hamburgers favourite people? Vegetarians!
  • Who are you to question why your god doesn't want me to believe in him?
  • Who brings the Christmas presents to police stations? Santa Clues.
  • Who can beat any burger at golf? Any LINKS sausage!
  • Who cares who's on board?
  • Who delievers cat's Christmas presents? Santa Paws!
  • Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents? Elephanta Claus!
  • Who delivers Easter treats to all the fish in the sea? The Oyster Bunny!
  • Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws!
  • Who designed Noah's ark? An ark-itect!
  • Who did the breeder call when his horse was possessed by an evil spirit? An exhorsist!
  • Who did the ghost invite to his party? Anyone he could dig up.
  • Who do elephants get their christmas presents from? Elephanta Claus!
  • Who do hamburgers love on TV? Archie Bunker's son-in-law, the meathead!
  • Who do they get for Babe the pig's dangerous movie scenes? A stunt ham.
  • Who do you think was sent to cover the story of the baby lion born in the zoo? A cub reporter.
  • Who do zombie cowboys fight? Deadskins.
  • Who does Dracula get letters from? His fang club.
  • Who does a ghoul fall in love with? His ghoul friend.
  • Who doesn't like to sit in front of the fire? A Snowman.
  • Who drives away all his customers? A taxi driver.
  • Who drives away all of his customers? A taxicab driver.
  • Who dropped a wad of notes with an elastic band round them? I did! Well, here's the elastic band.
  • Who gave the Liberty Bell to Philadelphia? Must have been a duck family A duck family? Didn't you say there was a quack in it!
  • Who has a long nose, wears a mask, and sits tall in the saddle? The Lone Aardvark!
  • Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!
  • Who has the best website in the jungle? The Onlion King.
  • Who has the most dangerous job in Transylvania? Dracula's dentist.
  • Who held the baby octopus to ransom? Squidnappers!
  • Who holds up stagecoaches and steals laptop computers? Click Turpin
  • Who invented King Arthur's round table? Sir Circumference!
  • Who invented the telephone? The Phoenicians (phone-itions).
  • Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
  • Who is Jesus Christ? Inquire within!
  • Who is a bee's favourite painter? Pablo Beecasso!
  • Who is a vampire likely to fall in love with? The girl necks door.
  • Who is bigger - Mrs Bigger or Mrs Bigger's baby? Mrs Bigger's baby, because he's a little Bigger.
  • Who is in cowboy films and is always broke? Skint Eastwood.
  • Who is it that everybody listens to but nobody believes? The weatherman.
  • Who is king of all the mice? Mouse Tse Tung!
  • Who is never hungry at Christmas? The turkey - he's always stuffed!
  • Who is tall, dark and a great dancer? Dark Raver!
  • Who is the Easter Bunny's favourite movie actor? Rabbit De Niro!
  • Who is the Gorillas' favourite President of recent years? Hairy Truman!
  • Who is the Gorillas' favourite playwright? Eugene O'Neill - who wrote 'The Hairy Ape! '
  • Who is the Lone Aardvark's faithful Indian companion? Tanto
  • Who is the bees favourite pop group? The bee gees!
  • Who is the bees favourite singer? Sting!
  • Who is the biggest gangster in the sea? Al Caprawn!
  • Who is the dogs favourite comedian? Growlcho Marx!
  • Who is the fastest runner in history. Adam - because he was the first in the human race.
  • Who is the greatest painter of this century? Pigcasso!
  • Who is the hamburgers' favourite actress? Candice Berger!
  • Who is the most famous French ant? Napoleant!
  • Who is the most popular wizard on the Internet? Har e-potter.
  • Who is the most powerful ghoul? Judge Dread.
  • Who is the oldest singer on the Internet? Click Jagger.
  • Who is the smelliest, hairiest monarch in the world? King Pong.
  • Who is the strongest thief? A shoplifter.
  • Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
  • Who looks after the EuroDisney website? Mick e-mouse.
  • Who lost a herd of elephants? Big bo peep!
  • Who loves hamburgers, French fries, and ants? Ronald MacAardvark!
  • Who makes a million dollars a day? Someone who works in a mint.
  • Who needs drugs? I go broke buying books!
  • Who never gets his hair wet in the shower? A bald man.
  • Who plays center forward for the vampire football team? The ghoulscorer.
  • Who puts the thin ice sign in the middle of the thin ice?
  • Who robs banks and squirts ink? Billy the Squid.
  • Who rode a dog and was a confederate general during the American Civil War? Robert E Flea!
  • Who runs the 100 acre wood website? www. innie the pooh.
  • Who said Shiver me timbers! on the ghost ship? The skeleton crew.
  • Who said beer won't make you smarter? It made Bud wiser!
  • Who sends flowers on Valentines Day? Cupigs!
  • Who sings Love me tender, and makes Christmas toys? Santa's little Elvis.
  • Who sits at the end of the yellow brick road surfing the Net? The www. izard of Oz.
  • Who sits on Cinderella's keyboard? Buttons.
  • Who sleeps at the bottom of the sea? Jack the kipper!
  • Who started the campfire website? Some bright spark.
  • Who stole the sheets from the bed? Bed buglars.
  • Who succeeded the first President of the USA? The second one!
  • Who surfs the Net by pecking at the keyboard? www. oody www. oodpecker.
  • Who turns the lights off at halloween? The light's witch!
  • Who was the best actor in the bible? Samson, he brought the house down!
  • Who was the burger's favourite all-time movie director? Sizzle B. DeMille!
  • Who was the most famous ant scientist? Albert Antstein!
  • Who was the most famous pirate octopus? Captain Squid!
  • Who was the most powerful cat in China? Chairman Miaow!
  • Who was the world's greatest thief? Atlas, because he held up the whole world!
  • Who went into a witche's den and came out alive? The witch!
  • Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
  • Who wins most of the medals for bravery in Burger Land? The meatball heros!
  • Who won the Monster Beauty Contest? No one.
  • Who won the animal race? The giraffe and the aardvark were running neck and neck, but the aardvark won by a nose!
  • Who won the race between two balls of string? They we're tied!
  • Who writes all his plays on the Internet? Will-e. Shakespeare.
  • Who writes books for little bees? Bee-trix Potter!
  • Who writes hit musicals on the Internet? Andrew Lloyd Webber.
  • Who you are speaks so loudly I can't hear what you're saying.
  • Who you know determines where you go!
  • Who's Who In Hell? Read the book.
  • Who's aardvark's favorite male singer? Frank Sinostril!
  • Who's the aardvark's favorite female vocalist? Bearbara Streis-ant!
  • Who's the chief of the internet? E-ronimo!
  • Whodunnit? by Ivor Clew
  • Whoop dee fuckin doo!
  • Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
  • Whose parrot sits on his shoulder shouting Pieces of four? Short John Silver!
  • Why Are You Staring At My Bumper!? You Pervert!
  • Why You Need Insurance by Justin Case
  • Why accountants don't read novels? Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.
  • Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis? Because it is below C level.
  • Why am I in this basket and where am i going?
  • Why am I the only person on earth who knows how to drive?
  • Why are "I love you only" Valentinee cards sold in multi-packs?
  • Why are Canadians given only a half hour for lunch? They don't want to have to retrain them.
  • Why are Chihuahuas such good bedtime storytellers? They have short tales!
  • Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters? They both drop their needles!
  • Why are Father Christmas' reindeer like a cricket match? Because they're both stopped by the rein.
  • Why are Gorillas underpaid? They're willing to work peanuts!
  • Why are Saturday and Sunday so strong? Because the rest are weekdays.
  • Why are Vampires Democrats? They want Gore in 2000.
  • Why are astronauts successful people? Because they always go up in the world!
  • Why are babies always gurgling with joy? Because it's a nappy time.
  • Why are bananas never lonely? Because they hang around in bunches.
  • Why are bats blind? Well, your eyesight wouldn't be too good if you hung upside down all day would it?
  • Why are black cats such good singers? They're very mewsical.
  • Why are burglars such good tennis players? Because they spend such a lot of their time in courts!
  • Why are cats longer in the evening than they are in the morning? Because they're let out in the evening and taking in in the morning!
  • Why are chorus girls like barge horses? They have to tow the line!
  • Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
  • Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
  • Why are clouds like jockeys? Because they hold the reins!
  • Why are condoms like cameras? -they both capture the moment.
  • Why are cpws made for dancing? They're all born hoofers!
  • Why are diapers like $10 bills? Because you have to change them.
  • Why are dolphins cleverer than humans? Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish!
  • Why are elephants grey? So you can tell them from flamingos!
  • Why are elephants large, grey and wrinkly? Because if they were small round and white, they would be aspirins.
  • Why are elephants no good at Net surfing? Because they're scared of the mouse.
  • Why are elephants wiser than chickens? Have you ever heard of Kentucky Fried Elephant? !
  • Why are false teeth like stars? Because they come out at night.
  • Why are farmers cruel? Because they pull corn by the ears.
  • Why are fish boots the warmest ones to wear? Because they have electric 'eels!
  • Why are fish cleverer than humans? Ever seen a fish spend a fortune trying to hook a human?
  • Why are fish no good at tennis? They don't like to get too close to the net!
  • Why are fish so gullible? They fall for things hook, line and sinker!
  • Why are fish so smart? They are always in schools!
  • Why are football grounds odd? Because you can sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits!
  • Why are football players never asked for dinner? Because they're always dribbling!
  • Why are fried onions like a photocopy machine? They keep repeating themselves.
  • Why are frogs no good at websurfing? Computers have them toad-ily confused.
  • Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load!
  • Why are gold fish orange? The water makes them rusty!
  • Why are guys like lava lamps? ..... They're fun to watch, but not very bright!
  • Why are hamburgers essential to football? Because the game is played on a griddle-iron!
  • Why are haunted houses so noisy in April? That's when the ghosts do their spring screaming!
  • Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
  • Why are men like blenders? ....... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
  • Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
  • Why are men like commercials? ....... You can't believe a word they say.
  • Why are men like paper cups? They're disposable
  • Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly? -Because if they were small and round and smooth they'd be M&M's
  • Why are mosquitoes annoying? Because they get under your skin.
  • Why are mosquitos religious? They prey on you!
  • Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists? The rest are hunt'n peckers.
  • Why are oranges like bells? You can peel (peal) both of them.
  • Why are parents boring? Because they're groan-ups.
  • Why are pigs such early risers? Did you ever try to shut off a rooster?
  • Why are pigs such great football fans? They're always rooting.
  • Why are rabbits like calculators? They both multiply a lot.
  • Why are rabbits never gold? How would you tell them apart from goldfish?
  • Why are rivers lazy? Because they never get off their beds.
  • Why are sardines the stupidest fish in the sea? Because they climb into tins, close the lid and leave teh key outside!
  • Why are snakes hard to fool? They have no legs to pull!
  • Why are spiders good swimmers? They have webbed feet!
  • Why are spiders like tops? They are always spinning!
  • Why are teachers happy at Halloween parties? Because there's lots of school spirit!
  • Why are the copyright dates on movies and television shows written in Roman numbers?
  • Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
  • Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
  • Why are there interstates in Hawaii?
  • Why are there no aspirin in the jungle? The parrots eat em all (Paracetamol)
  • Why are there so many Johnson in he phone book? They all have phones.
  • Why are there so many piggy banks? Pigs don't like to hide their money in the mattress.
  • Why are there so many songs for Christmas but barely any for all the other holidays?
  • Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
  • Why are they called apartments when they are together.
  • Why are vampire families so close? Because blood is thicker than water.
  • Why are vampires like false teeth? They all come out at night.
  • Why are wise men and wise guys the exact opposites?
  • Why are women such bad drivers? Because there is no road between the bedroom and the bathroom.
  • Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.
  • Why are you laughing? My dentist just pulled one of my teeth out. I don't see much to laugh about in that. But it was the wrong one!
  • Why are you stuffing all that Easter candy into your mouth? Because it doesn't taste as good if I stuff it in my ears.
  • Why aren't burgers the least bit scared of Halloween? They're used to people 'goblin' them!
  • Why aren't burgers too good at basketball? Too many turnovers!
  • Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space? Because there is no atmosphere!
  • Why aren't you doing very well in history? Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!
  • Why be Normal?
  • Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?
  • Why be difficult. Be impossible!
  • Why call it a building if it's already been built?
  • Why can any hamburger run the mile in under four minutes? Because it's a FAST food!
  • Why can elephants swim - and aardvarks can't? Aardvarks don't have trunks!
  • Why can't Chihuahuas run marathons? They're short of breath!
  • Why can't a bicycle stand up by itself? Because it is two-tired (too tired).
  • Why can't an elephant ride a bicycle? Because he doesn't have a thumb to ring the bell.
  • Why can't anyone stay angry long with an actress? Because she always makes up.
  • Why can't blondes be pharmacists? Because they can't figure out how to fit the bottle in the typewriter.
  • Why can't blondes make Kool Aid? Because they can't figure out how to get eight cups of water into that tiny little package.
  • Why can't blondes take coffee breaks? They're too hard to re-train.
  • Why can't life's problems hit us when we're 17 and know everything?
  • Why can't meteorologists forecast the weather? -They are too busy studying comets and meteors
  • Why can't the Philippines field an ice hockey team? The players all drowned in spring training.
  • Why can't there be a Santa Pig? Pigs don't fit in chimneys.
  • Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is?
  • Why can't you find fresh sardines in the fish market?
  • Why can't you keep secrets in a bank? Because of all the tellers.
  • Why can't you make bread like my mother? I would if you could make dough like your father!
  • Why can't you trust snakes? They speak with forked tongues!
  • Why cant I update my picture , CUH! I mean I am topless and everything
  • Why couldn't prehistoric man send birthday cards? The stamps kept falling off the rocks!
  • Why couldn't the Gorilla pitcher make it in the major leagues? His balk was worse than his bite!
  • Why couldn't the alligator send e-mails on his PC? Because it was on old croc.
  • Why couldn't the apple send an e-mail to the orange? Because the lime was engaged.
  • Why couldn't the baby camel surf the Internet? Because whenever his parents saw their phone bill they got the hump.
  • Why couldn't the bicycle stand up for itself? Because it was two-tyred.
  • Why couldn't the butterfly go to the Chistmas ball? It was a moth ball!
  • Why couldn't the clock be kept in jail? Because time was always running out.
  • Why couldn't the cow leave the farm? She was pasteurized!
  • Why couldn't the pig pay his bill? He was a little shoat.
  • Why couldn't the rabbit fly home for Easter? He didn't have the hare fare.
  • Why couldn't the skeleton go to the Christmas Party? He had no body to go with!
  • Why couldn't the skeleton pay his bus fare? Because he was skint.
  • Why did Arthur have a round table? So no one could corner him!
  • Why did Bossy slug Roy Rogers? She heard he was a cowpuncher!
  • Why did Bossy tell the cowpoke to leave her calf alone? She thought children should be seen and not herded!
  • Why did Captain Kirk go into the ladies toilet? To boldly go where no man has been before!
  • Why did Davy Crockett always wear a coonskin cap? It was a birthday present from his wife!
  • Why did Dr Frankenstein have his telephone cut off? Because he wanted to win the Nobel prize!
  • Why did Dracula go to the orthodontist? He wanted to improve his bite.
  • Why did Dracula miss lunch? Because he didn't fancy the stake.
  • Why did Eve want to move to New York? She fell for the Big Apple!
  • Why did Frankenstein squeeze his girlfriend to death? He had a crush on her.
  • Why did Frankenstein's monster give up boxing? Because he didn't want to spoil his looks.
  • Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants? He heard the snow blower coming.
  • Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
  • Why did God create a man before a women? You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
  • Why did God create men first? Because we learn from mistakes.
  • Why did God create women? To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
  • Why did God invent armadillos? .... So that rednecks can have 'possum on the half shell.
  • Why did God invent economists? So accountants could have someone to laugh at.
  • Why did God invent shopping carts? To teach women how to walk on their hind legs.
  • Why did Henry VIII have so many wives? He liked to chop and change!
  • Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons? He wanted Mark Antony!
  • Why did King Kong join the army? To learn about gorilla warfare.
  • Why did King Kong paint the bottoms of his feet brown? So that he could hide upside down in a jar of peanut butter.
  • Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into space? He wanted to find Pluto!
  • Why did Robin Hood steal from the rich? Because the poor didn't have any!
  • Why did Rudolfo salute the box of Cornflakes in the supermarket? Because the label said General Foods.
  • Why did Silly Sue throw her guitar away? Because it had a hole in the middle.
  • Why did a anowman send his father to Siberia? Because he wanted frozen pop!
  • Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch? He was the skipper!
  • Why did a gambler scare everyone out swimming? He was a card shark!
  • Why did a man's pet vulture not make a sound for five years? It was stuffed.
  • Why did both Germany and the U. S want to hire Apes during World War Two? Because they are excellent at waging Gorilla warfare!
  • Why did he cross back? So he could charge the client for travel expenses.
  • Why did some snakes disobey Noah when he said Go forth and multiply? They couldn't, they were adders!
  • Why did the 280-pound girl marry the 400-pound man? She wanted a big wedding.
  • Why did the 3-legged dog go back to Dodge City? To see who shot his paw.
  • Why did the Aggie call 911 in the car wash? - He thought he saw the rotating car washer as a tornado
  • Why did the Aggie think the weatherman got the sunny forecast wrong? -The Aggie drove through a car wash
  • Why did the Ape jump off the building? He wanted to show the world the stuff he was made of!
  • Why did the Easter Bunny have to fire the duck? Because he kept quacking all the eggs!
  • Why did the Gorilla enlist in the ragged continental army? To avoid the draft!
  • Why did the Gorilla fail English? He had little Ape-titude!
  • Why did the Gorilla visit Italy? An advertisement's headline enticed him - See Ape-les and die!
  • Why did the Irishman buy two tickets to the zoo? One to get in and one to get out.
  • Why did the Oregon State psychology major climb up the chain link fence? To see what was on the other side.
  • Why did the Pilgrims create Thanksgiving? They wanted another excuse to watch football.
  • Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey on Thanksgiving? They couldn't get the moose in the oven!
  • Why did the Romans build straight roads? So their soldiers didn't go around the bend!
  • Why did the Scottish cannibal live on a sugar plantation? He said 'So that I can feed my lads with m'lasses!
  • Why did the Scottish cannibal live on a sugar plantation? He said, So that I can feed my lads with m'lasses.
  • Why did the University of Oklahoma researcher stay awake every night? He was trying to find a cure for insomnia.
  • Why did the actor fire his Gorilla agent? The big Ape kept wanting to take more than a 10% bite!
  • Why did the alien phone home on his mobile? Because it was so ET!
  • Why did the angel lose her job? She had harp failure.
  • Why did the ant-elope? Nobody gnu!
  • Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf? They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.
  • Why did the artist put on a show of horse paintings? He wanted to mount an exhibit!
  • Why did the auditor cross the road? Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
  • Why did the baby monster put his father in the freezer? Because he wanted frozen pop.
  • Why did the bald man go outside? To get some fresh hair!
  • Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!
  • Why did the bald man put a rabbit on his head? Because he wanted a head of hare (hair).
  • Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
  • Why did the bank robber take a bath? So he could make a clean getaway.
  • Why did the bareback performer ride his horse? Because it got too heavy to carry.
  • Why did the bat miss the bus? Because he hung around for too long.
  • Why did the bed spread? Because it saw the pillow slip.
  • Why did the bee started talking poetry? He was waxing lyrical!
  • Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers!
  • Why did the big pig want to go on stage? There was a lot of ham in him.
  • Why did the bird join he air force? He wanted to be a parrot trooper!
  • Why did the biscuit cry? Because its mother had been a wafer so long.
  • Why did the blond lay out on the lawn chair in her bikini at midnight? She wanted to get a dark tan.
  • Why did the blonde burn her ear? The phone rang while she was ironing!
  • Why did the blonde call the welfare office? She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
  • Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar? She heard that the drinks were on the house.
  • Why did the blonde cross the road? I don't know. Neither did she!
  • Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips? From trying to blow out lightbulbs.
  • Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering? The noise gave her a headache.
  • Why did the blonde run out of shampoo? She kept following the instructions: lather, rinse, repeat!
  • Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice carton? It said concentrate on it!
  • Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? She didn't want to wake the sleeping tablets!
  • Why did the boxer date the pretty girl? Because she was a knockout!
  • Why did the boy become an astronaut? Because he was no earthly good!
  • Why did the boy become an astronaut? Because he was told he was no earthly good.
  • Why did the boy carry a clock and a bird on Halloween? It was for 'tick or tweet'!
  • Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday? Because people kept toasting him!
  • Why did the boy jump up and down on the letter? He heard that you have to stamp letters or the post office won't send them.
  • Why did the boy put candles on the toilet? He wanted to have a birthday potty!
  • Why did the boy stand behind the horse? He thought he might get a kick out of it!
  • Why did the boy take the ruler to bed? He wanted to see how long he slept.
  • Why did the boy who rode his bike over a barbed wire fence miss his music lesson? Because he'd already done the sharps and flats.
  • Why did the burglar take a shower? He wanted to make a clean getaway
  • Why did the bus stop? Because it saw the zebra crossing.
  • Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She didn't suit his taste!
  • Why did the cannibal eat the tightrope walker? He wanted a balanced meal.
  • Why did the cannibal live on his own? He was fed up with other people.
  • Why did the car judder to a stop when it saw a ghost? It had a nervous breakdown.
  • Why did the cat join the Red Cross? Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit!
  • Why did the cat put the letter M into the fridge? Because it turns ice into mice!
  • Why did the cat sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!
  • Why did the chick disappoint his mother? He wasn't what he was cracked up to be!
  • Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the referee calling fowls
  • Why did the chicken cross the net? It wanted to get to the other site!
  • Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide
  • Why did the chicken cross the road half way? He wanted to lay it on the line!
  • Why did the chicken cross the road in Missouri? To show the opossum it could be done.
  • Why did the chicken end up in the soup? Because it ran out of cluck!
  • Why did the chicken get sent off? For persistent fowl play!
  • Why did the chicken walk on the telephone wire? She wanted to lay it on the line!
  • Why did the composer spend all his time in bed? He wrote sheet music.
  • Why did the computer act crazy? It had a screw loose.
  • Why did the condom cross the road? Because it was pissed off.
  • Why did the cow jump over the moon? To get to the Milky Way!
  • Why did the cowboy die with his boots on? Because he didn't want to stub his toe when he kicked the bucket!
  • Why did the cowboy get a hot seat? Because he rode the range.
  • Why did the cowboy ride his horse? Because the horse was too heavy to carry.
  • Why did the cowboy's car stop? It had Injun (engine) trouble.
  • Why did the dentist make a poor date with the manicurist? Because they fought both tooth and nail!
  • Why did the dinosaur walk on two legs? To give the ants a chance.
  • Why did the dish and spoon hide their computer? The cat kept fiddling with i. t.
  • Why did the dog go to the doctor after a tomato fell on his head? The tomato was in a can.
  • Why did the dog have a gleam in his eye? Someone bumped his elbow while he was brushing his teeth.
  • Why did the dog jump into the sea? He wanted to chase the catfish!
  • Why did the dog mistake the dog catcher for a grape? He was colour-blind.
  • Why did the dog run in circles? He was a watchdog and needed winding.
  • Why did the dog say he was an actor? His leg was in a cast.
  • Why did the dog sleep so poorly? By mistake he plugged his electric blanket into the toaster and kept popping out of bed all night!
  • Why did the dog wear white sneakers? Because his boots were at the menders!
  • Why did the dog's owner think his dog was a great mathematician? When he asked the dog what six minus six was, the dog said nothing.
  • Why did the dolphin feel crabby? Because he ate too many crabs!
  • Why did the doughnut maker retire? He was fed up with the hole business.
  • Why did the duck stick his leg into a computer? He wanted to have webbed feet.
  • Why did the electrician close early on Mondays? Because business was very light.
  • Why did the elephant bring toilet paper to a party? Becase he was a party pooper.
  • Why did the elephant cross the road? Because the chicken was having a day off!
  • Why did the elephant eat the candle? For light refreshment!
  • Why did the elephant eat the candle? He wanted a light snack!
  • Why did the elephant jump in the lake when it began to rain? To stop getting wet!
  • Why did the elephant paint himself with different colours? Because he wanted to hide in the colouring box!
  • Why did the elephant paint his toenails red? So he could hide in the cherry tree!
  • Why did the farmer call his horse Baseball? Because it's covered with horsehide!
  • Why did the farmer feed his pigs sugar and vinegar? He wanted sweet and sour pork!
  • Why did the farmer feed money to his cow? He wanted rich milk!
  • Why did the farmer fence in the bull? The farmer had too much of a steak in him to let him go!
  • Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
  • Why did the farmer put brandy in the cow's food? He wanted to raised stewed beef!
  • Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales? He wanted to see how much the milky weighed!
  • Why did the fat monster put a candle on his tummy? He was celebrating his girthday!
  • Why did the firefly keep stealing things? What goes snap, crackle and pop? A firefly with a short circuit!
  • Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear? Because he liked sole music!
  • Why did the ghost go to the funfair. He wanted to go on the rollerghoster.
  • Why did the ghost work at Scotland Yard? He was the Chief In-Spectre.
  • Why did the girl Gorilla, engaged to the invisible man, call off the wedding? Because in the last analysis she just couldn't see it!
  • Why did the girl put her bed in the fireplace? Because she wanted to sleep like a log.
  • Why did the girl sit on her watch? She wanted to be on time.
  • Why did the girl take a ruler to bed? She wanted to see how long she slept.
  • Why did the girl who worked for the telephone company sing all the time? Because she was an operetta (operator).
  • Why did the goal post get angry? Because the bar was rattled!
  • Why did the grape cross the road? To get away from the grapefruit.
  • Why did the gray whale go on a diet? Because he wasn't a Fin whale!
  • Why did the gum cross the road? Because it was under the elephants foot.
  • Why did the hippie put his money in the refrigerator? He liked cold cash.
  • Why did the horse go behind the tree? To change his jockeys.
  • Why did the horse miss the joust? He had the knight off!
  • Why did the horse stir his cereal with his hoof? Because he wanted to feel his oats!
  • Why did the horseman put a saddle on a large loaf of bread? It was a crusty steed!
  • Why did the idiot drive his pickup truck over the side of the cliff? He wanted to try out his new air brakes.
  • Why did the idiot have his sundial floodlit? So he could tell the time at night!
  • Why did the idiot plant nickels in his garden? He wanted to raise some hard cash.
  • Why did the internit paint his computer screen in little black and white squares? He wanted to check his e-mail.
  • Why did the janitor take early retirement? Because he realized that grime doesn't pay.
  • Why did the jazz musician like the wooden board? ... Because it had a nice groove in it!
  • Why did the jellyfish's wife leave him? He stung her into action.
  • Why did the kangaroo love the little Australian bear? Because the bear had many fine koala-ties!
  • Why did the kid punch the bed? His mother told him to hit the hay.
  • Why did the kid put his clock in the oven. He wanted to have a hot time.
  • Why did the knight run about shouting for a tin opener? He had a bee in his suit of armour!
  • Why did the lady go out doors with her purse open? Because she expected some change in the weather.
  • Why did the little kid dance on the jar of jam? Because the top said, Twist to open.
  • Why did the little pig hide the soap? He heard the farmer yell, Hogwash!
  • Why did the little pig try to join the Navy? He loved to sing, Oinkers Aweight
  • Why did the little piglet fall in love with the hog? Because he was such a sloppy dresser.
  • Why did the lizard go on a diet? It weighed too much for its scales!
  • Why did the man call his horse Fleabag? Because he was often scratched!
  • Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm? He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
  • Why did the man put a clock under his desk? He wanted to work overtime.
  • Why did the man put his car in the oven? Because he wanted a hot rod.
  • Why did the man take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
  • Why did the man throw away all the new pennies he had? Because they were a nuisance (new cents).
  • Why did the mean teacher walk around with her purse open? She'd read there was going to be some change in the weather.
  • Why did the mexicans fight so hard for the alamo? They wanted 4 clean walls to spray paint.
  • Why did the monster drink ten liters of antifreeze? So that he didn't have to buy a winter coat.
  • Why did the monster dye her hair yellow? To see if blondes have more fun.
  • Why did the monster get a ticket at Thanksgiving dinner? He was exceeding the feed limit!
  • Why did the monster go into hospital? To have his ghoul-stones removed.
  • Why did the monster paint himself in rainbow colors? Because he wanted to hide in the crayon box.
  • Why did the monster put the cake in the freezer? Because he had been told to ice it.
  • Why did the monster stop playing with his brother? He got tired of kicking him around.
  • Why did the monster take a dead man for a drive in his car? Because he was a car-case.
  • Why did the monster take his nose apart? To see what made it run.
  • Why did the moron give the sleepy cow a hammer? He wanted her to hit the hay!
  • Why did the mosquito go to the dentist? To improve his bite!
  • Why did the moth nibble a hole in the carpet? He wanted to see the floor show!
  • Why did the mouse eat a candle? For some light refreshment!
  • Why did the mummy stop using the Internet? He was getting far too wrapped up in it.
  • Why did the music student have a piano in the bathroom? Because he was practicing Handel's Water Music.
  • Why did the nurse keep the bedpan in the refrigerator? Because when she kept it in the freezer it took too much skin off.
  • Why did the nutty kid throw a glass of water out of the window? He wanted to see a waterfall.
  • Why did the nutty kid throw butter out of the window? He wanted to see a butterfly.
  • Why did the old lady cover her mouth with her hands when she sneezed? To catch her false teeth.
  • Why did the owl, owl? Because the woodpecker would peck 'er!
  • Why did the parrot wear a raincoat? Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated!
  • Why did the pig go to the casino? To play the slop machine!
  • Why did the pig have ink all over his face? Because it came out of the pen.
  • Why did the pig join a muscle-building class? He thought pumping iron was a new juice dispenser.
  • Why did the pig join the Army? He heard the food was a mess.
  • Why did the pig run away from the pig sty? He felt that the other pigs were taking him for grunted.
  • Why did the pig send his story to New York? He wanted to be published on Pork Avenue.
  • Why did the pig wear yellow coveralls? He split a seam in his blue ones.
  • Why did the piglets do badly in school? They were all slow loiners.
  • Why did the piglets get in trouble in their biology class? They ate all the specimens.
  • Why did the piglets get in trouble in their stained glass class? They stained it with mud.
  • Why did the pigs paint their hoofs green? It was Saint Patrick's Day.
  • Why did the pioneers cross the country in covered wagons? Because they didn't want to wait 40 years for a train!
  • Why did the poor dog chase his own tail? He was trying to make both ends meet!
  • Why did the python do national service? He was coiled up!
  • Why did the queen bee kick out all of the other bees? Because they kept droning on and on!
  • Why did the rabbit cross the road? Because the chicken had his Easter eggs!
  • Why did the rabbit have trouble hopping? Because he always kept one foot in his pocket for good luck!
  • Why did the rabbit run out of the fast-food restaurant? He thought he heard someone order a quarter pounder on a toasted bunny.
  • Why did the rabbits go on strike? They wanted a better celery!
  • Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach? Because he didn't want to be recognised!
  • Why did the robber take a bath? So he could make a clean getaway.
  • Why did the rooster run away? He was chicken!
  • Why did the school bully kick the classroom computer? Someone told him he was supposed to boot up the system.
  • Why did the skunk buy four boxes of tissues? Because he had a stinking cold!
  • Why did the spider buy a car? So he could take it out for a spin!
  • Why did the spotted pigs run away? They thought the traveling salesman told the farmer to put his name on the dotted swine.
  • Why did the stupid boy wear a turtle neck sweater? To hide his flea collar.
  • Why did the stupid racing car driver make ten pit stops during the Grand Prix? He was asking for directions.
  • Why did the tadpole feel lonely? Because he was newt to the area!
  • Why did the teacher decide to become an electrician? To get a bit of light relief.
  • Why did the teacher have her hair in a bun? Because she had her nose in a hamburger.
  • Why did the teacher put the lights on? Because the class was so dim!
  • Why did the teacher wear sunglasses? Because his class was so bright!
  • Why did the termite eat a sofa and two chairs? It had a suite tooth.
  • Why did the thoughtful father buy his six children a dachshund? He wanted a dog they could all pet at once.
  • Why did the toad become a lighthouse keeper? He had his own frog horn!
  • Why did the toad become a lighthouse keeper? He had his own frog-horn.
  • Why did the tornado get arrested? -For speeding, theft, vandalism, assault and murder
  • Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn't chicken
  • Why did the two boa constrictors get married? Because they had a crush on each other! sna
  • Why did the two knives go to the dance together? Because they both looked sharp!
  • Why did the updraft get pulled over? -It was speeding in a high shear zone
  • Why did the vampire attack the clown? He wanted the circus to be in his blood.
  • Why did the vampire baby stop having baby food? He wanted something to get his teeth into.
  • Why did the vampire enjoy ballroom dancing? He could really get into the vaultz.
  • Why did the vampire go crazy at Burger King? He saw all that catsup and wanted a transfusion.
  • Why did the vampire go to hospital? He wanted his ghoulstones removed.
  • Why did the vampire have pedestrian eyes? They looked both ways before they crossed.
  • Why did the vampire sit on a pumpkin? It wanted to play squash.
  • Why did the vampire stand at the bus stop with his finger up his nose? He was a ghoulsnif fer.
  • Why did the vampire take up acting? It was in his blood.
  • Why did the viper want to become a python? He got the coiling!
  • Why did the viper want to become a python? He got the coiling.
  • Why did the viper, viper nose? Because the adder, adder hankerchief!
  • Why did the weather want privacy? -It was changing
  • Why did the whale cross the road? To get to the other tide!
  • Why did the whale like the diver? Because he had flippers!
  • Why did the witch go to the psychiatrist? Because she thought everybody loved her.
  • Why did the witch keep turning people into Mickey Mouse? She was having Disney spells.
  • Why did the witch lose her way? Because her hat was pointing in the wrong direction.
  • Why did the witch wear a green felt pointed hat? So she could walk across snooker tables without being seen.
  • Why did the wizard wear a yellow robe to the Halloween party? He was going as a banana.
  • Why did the woman take a load of hay to bed? To feed her nightmare.
  • Why did the women cross the road? Well thats not the point what is she doing out of the kitchen? ! ! !
  • Why did the young witch have such difficulty writing letters? She had never learned to spell properly.
  • Why did they arrest the musician? He got into treble.
  • Why did you buy me a pair of bunny ears? I wanted you to have a hoppy birthday!
  • Why did you drive the lawn mower over your Easter basket? I thought the plastic grass was growing too high!
  • Why did you drop the baby? Well, Mrs Smith said he was a bonny bouncing baby, so I wanted to see if he did.
  • Why did you hit your birthday cake with a hammer? Because you said it was pound cake!
  • Why did your boyfriend return his Christmas tie? He said it was too tight.
  • Why did your brother give up his job in the biscuit factory? Because he went crackers.
  • Why did your sister cut a hole in her new umbrella? Because she wanted to be able to tell when it stopped raining.
  • Why did your sister feed money to her cow? Because she wanted to get rich milk.
  • Why did your sister jump out the window? Because she wanted to try out her new spring suit
  • Why did your sister keep running around her bed? Because she was trying to catch up with her sleep.
  • Why did your sister refuse the gift of a Japanese car? Because she'd never be able to learn the language
  • Why did your sister shoot the alarm clock? Because she felt like killing time.
  • Why didn't Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer's heart? Because even Cupid can't hit a target that small!
  • Why didn't I start sooner?
  • Why didn't King Kong go to Hong Kong? He didn't like Chinese food.
  • Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
  • Why didn't anyone take the school bus to school? I wouldn't fit through the door.
  • Why didn't the Blonic Pig get a TV series of his own? He made the mistake of going to a barbecue with the Bionic Man and the Blonic Woman.
  • Why didn't the astronauts stay on the moon? Because it was a full moon and there was no room.
  • Why didn't the cannibal eat Mike Tyson? He thought he would give him a paunch!
  • Why didn't the chicken skeleton cross the road? Because he didn't have enough guts
  • Why didn't the dentist ask his secretary out? . . . He was already taking out a tooth
  • Why didn't the dog play cards on his ocean cruise? Because the captain stood on the deck.
  • Why didn't the dog speak to his foot? Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw!
  • Why didn't the dog want to play football? It was a boxer!
  • Why didn't the female frog lay eggs? Because her husband spawned her affections!
  • Why didn't the internit get any e-mail? Because his e-dog kept chasing the e-postman.
  • Why didn't the monster use toothpaste? Because he said his teeth weren't loose.
  • Why didn't the piglets listen to the teacher pig? Because he was an old boar.
  • Why didn't the pigs eat the rotten eggs in their feed trough? They were saving the best for last.
  • Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go on in pairs!
  • Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs!
  • Why do Apes like tall buildings? They want to climb the heights of the business world!
  • Why do Apes love to go to school in bad neighbourhoods? They like any jungle - even a blackboard jungle!
  • Why do Chihuahuas have such short necks? Because their heads are so close to their bodies!
  • Why do I have to get married? I didn't do anything wrong.
  • Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
  • Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? It's easier to run with your kilt up than your pants down!
  • Why do University of Arkansas graduates tape their diplomas to the windshields of their cars? So they can park in handicapped spaces.
  • Why do aardvarks like to talk to ants? They can stick to the subject!
  • Why do aardvarks make undesirable neighbors? Because they always have their noses in other people's business!
  • Why do accountants get excited on Saturdays? They can wear casual clothes to work
  • Why do accountants make good lovers? They're great with figures.
  • Why do actors like snooker halls? Because that's where they get their best cues.
  • Why do apes climb to the tops of buildings? The elevator men are on strike!
  • Why do artists never win when they play football? They keep drawing!
  • Why do bald-headed men never use keys? Because they've lost their locks.
  • Why do barbers make good drivers? Because they know all the short cuts.
  • Why do bears have fur coats? Because they'd look stupid in anoraks!
  • Why do beavers spend a fortune on the Internet? They never want to log off.
  • Why do bees buzz? Because they can't whistle!
  • Why do bees have sticky hair? Beacuse of the honey combs!
  • Why do bees hum? Because they've forgotten the words!
  • Why do black cats never shave? Because 8 out of 10 cats prefer whiskas!
  • Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? "Toe goes in first".
  • Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops? So they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus.
  • Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? That's where you wash all your vegetables!
  • Why do burgers laugh when you surround them with pickles? Who knows - maybe they're picklish!
  • Why do burgers run the gauntlet? To test their meattle!
  • Why do cannibals make suitcases out of people's heads? Because they're headcases.
  • Why do cannibals make suitcases out of peoples heads? Because they're headcases!
  • Why do cats chase birds? For a lark!
  • Why do cemeteries have fences around them? Because people are dying to get in.
  • Why do church bells never send e-mails? They'd rather give each other a ring.
  • Why do computer teachers never get sick? Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away.
  • Why do cows like being told jokes? Because they like being amoosed!
  • Why do cows think cooks are mean? They whip cream!
  • Why do cows wear bells around their necks? Because their horns don't work.
  • Why do dentists like potatoes? Because they are so filling.
  • Why do dinosaurs climb trees? There's nothing else to climb in the jungle.
  • Why do dinosaurs wear glasses? To make sure they don't step on other dinosaurs.
  • Why do dogs bury bones in the ground? Because you can't bury them in trees!
  • Why do dogs run in circles? Because its hard to run in squares!
  • Why do dogs turn around three times before lying down? One good turn deserves another.
  • Why do dogs wag their tails? Because no one else will do it for them!
  • Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out forest fires!
  • Why do elephants do well in school? Because they have a lot of grey matter!
  • Why do elephants eat raw food? Because they don't know how to cook!
  • Why do elephants have trunks? Because they would look silly carrying suitcases!
  • Why do elephants have trunks? Because they've no pockets to put things in!
  • Why do elephants jump across rivers? So they won't step on the fish.
  • Why do elephants live in the jungle? Because it's out of the high rent district.
  • Why do elephants prefer peanuts to caviar? Because they're easier to get at the ballpark.
  • Why do elephants squirt water through their noses? If they squirted it through their tails, it'd be very difficult to aim.
  • Why do firemen wear red suspenders? To keep their pants up.
  • Why do folks from Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more? .... 17 and under are not admitted.
  • Why do frogs have webbed feet? To stamp out forest fires!
  • Why do goalkeepers spend ages on the Internet? Because they can't stop saving their work.
  • Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches? They prefer cricket matches!
  • Why do hamburgers act brilliantly on stage? They give meaty performances - especially if they are in their prime!
  • Why do hamburgers feel sad at barbecues? They get to meet their old flames!
  • Why do hamburgers make good baseball players? They're great at the plate!
  • Why do hamburgers make poor pigeons? They won't talk no matter how you grill them!
  • Why do hunters make the best lovers? Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.
  • Why do hurricanes travel so fast? Because if they travelled slowly, we'd have to call them slow-i-canes.
  • Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
  • Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games? So that they can pack the defence!
  • Why do men act like idiots? Who says they're acting?
  • Why do men die before their wives? - They want to.
  • Why do men have nipples?
  • Why do men masturbate? It's sex with someone they love.
  • Why do men prefer blondes? Men always like intellectual company
  • Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!
  • Why do mice need oiling? Because they squeak!
  • Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days? Because then the children have to play inside.
  • Why do parrots carry umbrellas? So they don't become polly-saturated!
  • Why do penguins eat fish? Because donuts get soggy before they can catch them.
  • Why do pens get sent to prison? To do long sentences!
  • Why do people beat their clocks? To kill time.
  • Why do people dislike going to the dentist? Because he is boring.
  • Why do people go to bed? Because the bed won't come to them.
  • Why do people have "hot water heaters"? If your water is hot, why heat it?
  • Why do people keep junk in their garage, whilethey put things that worth thousands of dollars out on the driveway?
  • Why do people leave letters at the football ground? They want to catch the last goal-post!
  • Why do people point at their wrists when they ask what time it is? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
  • Why do people say the alarm went "off" when it actually sounded like it was "on"?
  • Why do people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older ... they were cramming for their finals!
  • Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
  • Why do pigs have flat snouts? From running in to trees.
  • Why do pigs like February 14th? They get lots of Valenswines.
  • Why do pigs love Halloween? There's lots of hogsgobblin.
  • Why do pigs never recover from illness? Because you have to kill them before you cure them!
  • Why do polo bears like bald men? Because they have a great, white, bear place!
  • Why do postmen carry letters? Because the letters can't go anywhere by themselves.
  • Why do primates do so well in show biz? Put any Ape in the spotlight - and monkeyshines!
  • Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up? Because DEC 25 = OCT 31
  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  • Why do rabbits go to the beauty parlor? For hare care.
  • Why do raindrops like lightning at night? -So they can see where they are going
  • Why do rednecks act like such morons? ' Who says they're acting?
  • Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be baygulls (bagels, get it? ).
  • Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask directions.
  • Why do so many old people eat at cafeterias?
  • Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries? They find bookkeeping too exciting.
  • Why do some displays of "I love you only" Valentine cards sell them in multi-packs?
  • Why do teachers use a bamboo cane? Because when the cane goes 'bam' the child goes boo!
  • Why do the Gorillas like Jimmy Carter? They don't really know - but they're NUTS about him!
  • Why do the elephants have short tails? Because they can't remember long stories!
  • Why do the hamburgers beat the hot dogs at every sport they play? Because hot dogs are the wurst!
  • Why do the hours at work drag on endlessly when the years seem to fly past?
  • Why do the sick people have to walk all the way to the back of the pharmacy for medicine when cigarettes can be purchased at the front door?
  • Why do they call apartments "apartments" when they are built together?
  • Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?
  • Why do they call it research, when looking for something new?
  • Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
  • Why do they have ear piercing while you wait? Is there some shop where you can drop them off and pick them up later?
  • Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?
  • Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these people?
  • Why do they sterilise needles for lethal injections?
  • Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
  • Why do tomcats fight? Because they like raising a stink!
  • Why do tornadoes move so erratically? -They are dizzy
  • Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?
  • Why do vampires hate arguments? Because they make themselves cross.
  • Why do waiters like Gorillas better than flies? Did you ever hear a customer complain 'Waiter, there's a Gorilla in my soup! '
  • Why do waiters prefer elephants to flies? Have you ever heard anyone complaining of a elephant in their soup? .
  • Why do wallets make so much noise? Because money talks.
  • Why do we act like we know what someones talking about when we have no idea?
  • Why do we always want to grow up when we're young and be younger when we're old?
  • Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?
  • Why do we dress baby girls in pink and baby boys in blue? Because they can't dress themselves.
  • Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
  • Why do we drive on parkways when we park on driveways?
  • Why do we have so much enthusiasm for criticism and so much criticism for enthusiasm?
  • Why do we look in our handkerchiefs after blowing our nose?
  • Why do we paint Easter eggs? Because it's easier than trying to wallpaper them!
  • Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
  • Why do we say there is nothing on TV tonight when there obviously is something on?
  • Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
  • Why do witches have stiff joints? They get broomatism!
  • Why do women have smaller feet than men? - It allows them to stand closer to the sink.
  • Why do women have smaller feet than men? .... So they can stand closer to the stove.
  • Why do women pay more attention to their appearance thanto improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
  • Why do worms taste like chewing gum? Because they're wrigleys!
  • Why do you forget a tooth, as soon as the dentist pulls it out? Because it goes right out of your head.
  • Why do you go to bed? Because the bed will not come to you.
  • Why do you have to wait so long for a ghost train to come along? They only run a skeleton service.
  • Why do you keep going back to that fishing website? I can't help it, I'm hooked.
  • Why do you need a driver's licence to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
  • Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
  • Why do you need a licence for a dog and not for a cat? Cats can't drive!
  • Why do you never see zebras or antelopes at Victoria Station? Because it's a 'mane-lion' station!
  • Why do you think your report should be on the net? Because my marks are all 'E's.
  • Why do you want to be buried at sea? Because my wife says she wants to dance on my grave.
  • Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear? To keep his ankles warm.
  • Why does Dracula always travel with his coffin? Because his life is at stake.
  • Why does Dracula have no friends? Because he's a pain in the neck.
  • Why does Father Christmas go down chimneys? Because they soot him!
  • Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden? Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe
  • Why does Queen Elizabeth, who has people to put on her make-up, do her hair, and needs no cash or identification carry a purse?
  • Why does Santa Claus only have seven reindeer? Because Prancer moved in with a hairdresser in Beverly Hills.
  • Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage? Because it has long-distance runners on each side.
  • Why does Wendy's have square hamburgers?
  • Why does a barber never shave a man with a wooden leg? Because he always uses a razor.
  • Why does a blonde keep empty beer bottles in her fridge? They are for those who don't drink!
  • Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle? She knows she's given her last blow job.
  • Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
  • Why does a d dog scratch himself? He is the only one that knows where it itches.
  • Why does a dentist seem moody? Because he always looks down in the mouth.
  • Why does a dinosaur climb a tree? To get in his nest.
  • Why does a dinosaur have cracks between his toes? To carry his library card.
  • Why does a flamingo lift up one leg? Because if he lifted up both legs it would fall over!
  • Why does a man only get half-hour lunch-breaks? So his boss doesn't have to retrain him.
  • Why does a mother carry her baby? The baby can't carry the mother.
  • Why does a rooster watch TV? For hentertainment!
  • Why does a vampire clean his teeth three times a day? To prevent bat breath.
  • Why does a witch wear a pointed black hat? To keep her head warm.
  • Why does an "X" stand for a kiss?
  • Why does an actor enjoy his work so much? Because it's all play.
  • Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
  • Why does an elephant wear sneakers? So that he can sneak up on mice!
  • Why does an inspiring sight like a sunrise always have to take place at such an inconvenient time?
  • Why does frost not like to lay out in the sun? -It burns too easily
  • Why does history keep repeating itself? Because we weren't listening the first time!
  • Why does mama aardvark call her husband a cannibal? Because he ate his ant for dinner!
  • Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?
  • Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student? Because education pays off in the long run!
  • Why does the Philippines ban rectal thermometers? They cause too much brain damage.
  • Why does the monster act wild and crazy on his birthday? He's trying to age disgracefully!
  • Why does the new Polish Navy have glass bottomed boats? So they can see the old Polish Navy!
  • Why does the sun on the Raisan Bran cereal box wear sunglasses?
  • Why does the word "Filipino" start with the letter F?
  • Why does your brother wear a life jacket in bed? Because he sleeps on a waterbed!
  • Why does your sister have yeast and shoe polish for breakfast? Because she wants to rise and shine.
  • Why doesn't Kermit the Frog like elephants? They always want to play leap frog with him
  • Why doesn't Santa hitch his sleigh to a pig? Pigs don't have red noses.
  • Why doesn't Sweden export it's cattle? It wants to keep it's Stockholm!
  • Why doesn't a dog ever have a nose 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
  • Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
  • Why doesn't the fellow who says "I'm no speech maker" let it go at that instead of giving a demonstration? (Kin Hubbard)
  • Why doesnt Kermit like elephants? They always want to play leap-frog with him.
  • Why don't Jewish mothers drink? Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
  • Why don't Purdue athletes eat pickles? They can't get their heads in the jar.
  • Why don't anteaters get sick? Because they are full of antibodies!
  • Why don't anteaters get sick? Because they're full of anty-bodies!
  • Why don't apples smile when you go bobbing? Because they're crab apples!
  • Why don't astronauts get hungry after being blasted into space? Because they've just had a big launch.
  • Why don't astronauts keep their jobs very long? Because as soon as they start they get fired.
  • Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
  • Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid? They can't get eight cups of water into that little packet.
  • Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love? Because they have cotton balls.
  • Why don't cannibals eat comedians? They taste funny.
  • Why don't cannibals like to eat Carl Lewis? He gives them runs!
  • Why don't chickens like people? They beat eggs!
  • Why don't cows ever have any money? Because the farmers milk them dry!
  • Why don't dinosaurs take ballet lessons? They outgrew their leotards.
  • Why don't dogs make good dancers? Because they have two left feet!
  • Why don't elephants like martinis? Have you ever tried to get an olive out of your nose?
  • Why don't elephants like playing cards in the jungle? Because of all the cheetahs!
  • Why don't ghosts make good magicians. You can see right through their tricks.
  • Why don't lawyers enjoy playing golf? Because it's too much like work, what with all of the lying involved.
  • Why don't lawyers play hide-and-seek? Nobody will look for them.
  • Why don't lobsters share? They're shellfish.
  • Why don't men do laundry? cause the washer and dryer don't run on remote control!
  • Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence.
  • Why don't mexicans have barbeques? the beans keep slipping through the grill.
  • Why don't mexicans have checking accounts? It's too hard to spray paint your name on the little line.
  • Why don't more dinosaurs join the police force? They can't hide behind billboards.
  • Why don't other bugs like earwigs? Because they are always earwigging their conversations!
  • Why don't oysters give to charity? ... Because they're shellfish.
  • Why don't people on TV ever go to the bathroom?
  • Why don't satanic warlocks ever appear on televison to exhort unbelievers to donate money to fight God?
  • Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
  • Why don't they call the AM radio stations PM stations if it's after twelve noon?
  • Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
  • Why don't tornadoes watch Bill O'Reilly on FOXNEWS? -It is a no spin zone
  • Why don't vikings send e-mails? They prefer to use Norse code.
  • Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.
  • Why don't women work as long and as hard as men in the office? They do it right first time.
  • Why don't you believe in me? I believe in YOU!
  • Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
  • Why don't you see blonde pharmacists? They can't get the bottles into the typewriter!
  • Why don't you stamp e-mails? Because your foot would go right through the computer screen!
  • Why get real? Plastic is cheaper, It doesn't rot, It comes in prettier colors, and it's much easier to clean!
  • Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin? There was some money in the kitty!
  • Why haven't Women landed on the Moon? - Because it doesn't need cleaning yet!
  • Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
  • Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
  • Why is 4, 840 square yards like a bad tooth? Because it is an acre.
  • Why is Chelsea Clinton growing up a confused child? Because dad can't keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.
  • Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
  • Why is Congress like a cold? Because sometimes the ayes (eyes) have it and sometimes the no's (nose).
  • Why is Dick Clark a favourite star with horses? Because he was a disk jockey from Filly!
  • Why is Easter like whipped cream and a cherry? Because it's always on a sundae!
  • Why is Hollywood full of vampires? They need someone to play the bit parts.
  • Why is King Kong big and hairy? So you can tell him apart from a gooseberry.
  • Why is Russia a very fast country? Because the people are always Russian!
  • Why is Viagra like Disneyworld? - You have to wait an hour for a three minute ride
  • Why is a baby like an diamond? Because it's a dear little thing.
  • Why is a banana peel on the sidewalk like music? Because if you don't C sharp you'll B flat.
  • Why is a blonde like a bowling ball? You finger her three times, you shag her down an alley and she always comes back for more.
  • Why is a blonde like a mosquito? She starts sucking, you keep slapping her away and she comes back for more.
  • Why is a blonde like a tv? A child can turn her on.
  • Why is a bride always out of luck on her wedding day? Because she never marries the best man.
  • Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world? It has 4 rabbits' feet.
  • Why is a burning candle like being thirsty? Beacause a little water ends both of them!
  • Why is a cat like a penny? Because it has a head on one side and a tail on the other.
  • Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas? Because they both have Sandy claws!
  • Why is a crazy marmalade cat like a biscuit? They are both ginger nuts!
  • Why is a dog like a baseball player? He runs for home when he sees the catcher coming.
  • Why is a dog so warm in Summer? He wears a coat and pants.
  • Why is a dog with a lame leg like adding 6 and 7s? He puts down the three and carries the one.
  • Why is a fish easy to weigh? Because it has its own scales!
  • Why is a frog luckier than a cat? Because a frog croaks all the time but a cat only gets to croak nine times!
  • Why is a ghost like an empty house? Because there's no body there!
  • Why is a pig in a water trough like a penny? Because its head is on one side and its tail is on the other.
  • Why is a psychiatrist like a squirrel? Because they are both surrounded by nuts.
  • Why is a racehorse like a letter? They both begin a trip at the post!
  • Why is a reindeer like a gossip? Because they are both tail bearers!
  • Why is a sinking ship like a person in jail? Because it needs bailing out.
  • Why is a sofa like a roast chicken? Because they're both full of stuffing!
  • Why is a toothless dog like a tree? It has more bark than bite.
  • Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
  • Why is an egg like a young horse? Because it can't be used until it's broken!
  • Why is an elephant braver than a hen? Because the elephant isn't chicken!
  • Why is an engaged girl like a telephone? Because they both have rings.
  • Why is an old car like a baby playing? Because it goes with a rattle.
  • Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?
  • Why is food better than men? Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
  • Why is it best to be bitten quickly by one mosquito? Because an itch in time saves nine.
  • Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
  • Why is it called a Wonder Bra? When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.
  • Why is it called a litter of puppies? Because they mess up the whole house!
  • Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
  • Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
  • Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
  • Why is it dangerous to go into the jungle between two and four in the afternoon? That's when dinosaurs are jumping out of palm trees.
  • Why is it difficult to identify horses from the back? They're always switching their tails!
  • Why is it easy for chicks to talk? Because talk is cheep!
  • Why is it easy to break in to an old man's house? Because his gait is broken, and his locks are few.
  • Why is it hard for Chihuahuas to type on a keyboard? They're all paws.
  • Why is it new and improved? If it's new how can it be an improvement of something and if it's improved how can it be something new?
  • Why is it not safe to doze on trains? Because they run over sleepers.
  • Why is it so cold at Christmas? It's in Decembrrrrr.
  • Why is it so wet in Great Britain? Because of all the kings and queens that reigned (rained) there.
  • Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California got all the lawyers? New Jersey had first choice.
  • Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
  • Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market? They tend to go cheep!
  • Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
  • Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
  • Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
  • Why is it that the uneducated minds always criticize the brilliant minds? (Kelly Nelson)
  • Why is it that when one man kills another, he is hanged as a murderer, but when one man kills millions, he is hailed as a conqueror?
  • Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
  • Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called ship-ment but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
  • Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
  • Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn the radio down?
  • Why is it that you sit in front of your TV and behind your computer?
  • Why is it tough to compete against a vampire? Because they're always out for blood!
  • Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same? (Richard Lederer)
  • Why is lemonade made with artificial flavoring, while dishwasher soap is made with real lemons?
  • Why is manna from heaven like horse hay? Both are food from aloft!
  • Why is money called dough? Because we all knead it.
  • Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet? It lives on ice!
  • Why is politics for the birds? Because politiciands always parrot the same old lines!
  • Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women? Because when it's time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.
  • Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
  • Why is sex like a game of bridge? -You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
  • Why is stupid monster like a jack-o'-lantern? They both have empty heads.
  • Why is the Liberty Bell like a dropped Easter egg? Because they're both cracked!
  • Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween? Because so many witches are sweeping the sky.
  • Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
  • Why is the cook worried about catching his runaway pig? He knows a little ham goes a long way.
  • Why is the letter N the most powerful letter? Because it is in the middle of TNT.
  • Why is the letter t so important to a stick insect? Without it would be a sick insect.
  • Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
  • Why is the monsters' football pitch wet? Because the players keep dribbling on it.
  • Why is the moon like a dollar? It has four quarters.
  • Why is the old, decrepit horse named Flattery? Because it gets you nowhere!
  • Why is the practice called "fasting" when time passes so slowly when you're doing it?
  • Why is the sky not happy on clear days? It has the blues
  • Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist? Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
  • Why is the time in the USA behind that of England? Because England was discovered before the USA!
  • Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
  • Why is there always so much month left at the end of the money?
  • Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
  • Why is your dad chasing those pigs through the garden? We're raising mashed potatoes.
  • Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it is the scenter (centre).
  • Why isn't a dime worth as much today as it used to be? Because the dimes (times) have changed.
  • Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
  • Why isn't there a Superpig? It's too hard for a pig to change clothes in a telephone booth.
  • Why isn't there mouse flavoured cat food?
  • Why lightens the sun our hair, but darkens our skin?
  • Why men like to fishing so much? They finally found something as smart as them to talk to.
  • Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business", always be followed by, but?
  • Why should I go to YOUR hell just because I dont believe in it?
  • Why should we trust the government with automatic weapons?
  • Why should you always refuse to lend an Ape money? It's dangerous to let him put the bite on you!
  • Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats? They might be cheetahs!
  • Why should you never invite a pig to join your tug-of-war team? Pigs want to be pulled through the mudhole.
  • Why should you never watch a video with a Chihuahua? It always plays with the paws button on the VCR.
  • Why should you use six hooks on your fishing line? eFISHancy!
  • Why shouldn't you believe a person in bed? Because he is lying.
  • Why shouldn't you carry two half dollars in your pocket? Because two halves make a whole (hole), and you could lose your money.
  • Why shouldn't you tell secrets when a clock is around? Because time will tell.
  • Why suffer from insanity when you can revel in it?
  • Why type of lightning likes to play sports? -Ball lightning
  • Why was Cinderella able to surf the web? Because he footman turned into a mouse.
  • Why was Dracula always willing to help young vampires? Because he liked to see new blood in the business.
  • Why was Easter the aardvark's favorite holiday? Because he liked aard-boiled eggs!
  • Why was George Washington buried at Mount Vernon? Because he was dead!
  • Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
  • Why was Teddy Roosevelt mean to horses? He was a rough rider!
  • Why was he woman arrested on a cattle ranch for wearing a silk dress? She was charged with rustling!
  • Why was six scared of seven? Because seven ate nine.
  • Why was the Easter Bunny so upset? He was having a bad hare day!
  • Why was the actor pleased to be on the gallows? Because at last he was in the noose.
  • Why was the banker bored? Because he lost interest in everything.
  • Why was the big, hairy, two-headed monster top of the class at school? Because two heads are better than one.
  • Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
  • Why was the boy unhappy to win the prize for the best costume at the Halloween party? Because he just came to pick up his little sister.
  • Why was the broom late? It over swept!
  • Why was the burger thrown out of the Army? He couldn't pass mustard! (muster)
  • Why was the calf afraid? He was a cow-herd!
  • Why was the cannibal expelled from school? Because he kept buttering up the teacher.
  • Why was the cannibal fined by the judge? He was caught poaching.
  • Why was the cannibal looking peeky? Because he had just eaten a Chinese dog!
  • Why was the cat afraid of the tree? Because of the tree bark.
  • Why was the cat so small? Because it only ate condensed milk!
  • Why was the centipede dropped from the insect football team? He took too long to put his boots on!
  • Why was the centipede late? Because he was playing This little Piggy with his baby brother!
  • Why was the cowboy a lot of laughs? He was always horsing around.
  • Why was the farmer hopping mad? Because someone had trodden on his corn!
  • Why was the frog down in the mouth? He was un hoppy!
  • Why was the ghost of Anne Boleyn always running after the ghost of Henry VIII? She was trying to get ahead!
  • Why was the glow worm unhappy? Because her children weren't that bright!
  • Why was the headmaster worried? Because there were too many rulers in school!
  • Why was the hen banned from sending e-mails? She was always using fowl language.
  • Why was the horse all charged up? It ate some haywire!
  • Why was the horseman fired from his job of saddle testing? He was always standing up on the job!
  • Why was the lady's hair angry? Because she was always teasing it.
  • Why was the ladybird kicked out of the forest? Because she was a litter bug.
  • Why was the lightning bug unhappy? Because her children were not very bright.
  • Why was the lightning grilled on the stove? -To make heat lightning
  • Why was the lion-tamer fined? He parked on a yellow lion!
  • Why was the little bear so spoiled? Because its mother panda'd to its every whim!
  • Why was the man sued by his horse? For palomino-money!
  • Why was the monster sitting in his Easter basket? He was trying to hatch his peanut butter eggs!
  • Why was the monster standing on his head at the birthday party? He heard they were having upside-down cake!
  • Why was the monster standing on his head? He was turning things over in his mind.
  • Why was the moth so unpopular? He kept picking holes in everything!
  • Why was the mother flea feeling down in the dumps? Because she thought her children were all going to the dogs.
  • Why was the mother flea so unhappy? All her children had gone to the dogs.
  • Why was the pig happy when reviewers criticized his story? Because they called it garbage.
  • Why was the pig unhappy in the Minors? Because he wants to play in the Pig Leagues.
  • Why was the racehorse named Bad News? Because bad news travels fast!
  • Why was the racehorse names Strawberry Ice? He was a sherbet!
  • Why was the restaurant called Out of this World? Because it was full of Unidentified Frying Objects.
  • Why was the robber bionic? He was holding up a bank.
  • Why was the robber so secure? He was a safe robber.
  • Why was the school principal not pleased when he bumped into an old friend? They were both driving their cars at the time!
  • Why was the skeleton using the Internet? To bone up on his schoolwork.
  • Why was the skunk angry? He was incensed!
  • Why was the skunk arrested for counterfeiting? Because he gave out bad scents (cents).
  • Why was the snowman's dog called Frost? Because Frost bites.
  • Why was the struggling mange seen shaking the club cat? To see if there was any more money in the kitty!
  • Why was the student witch so bad at essays? Because she couldn't spell properly.
  • Why was the vampire thought of as simple-minded? Because he was a complete sucker.
  • Why was the young kangaroo thrown out by his mother? For smoking in bed.
  • Why was the young vampire a failure? Because he fainted at the sight of blood.
  • Why was there a bug in the computer? It was looking for a byte to eat.
  • Why were ancient Egyptian children confused? Because their daddies were mummies.
  • Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
  • Why were the burgers in the refrigerator embarrassed? They saw the salad dressing!
  • Why were the early days of history called the dark ages? Because there were so many knights!
  • Why were the elephants thrown out of the swimming pool? Because they couldn't hold their trunks up!
  • Why were the flies playing football in saucer? They where playing for the cup!
  • Why were the ghosts wet and tired? They had just dread-ged the lake.
  • Why were the hens lying on their backs with their legs in the air? Because eggs were going up!
  • Why were the trick-or-treaters wearing grass skirts? Because it was Hulaween!
  • Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game? It was a cup draw!
  • Why were the vets and pounds mad? It was raining cats and dogs
  • Why were you late? Sorry, teacher, I overslept. You mean you need to sleep at home too!
  • Why won't a witch wear a flat cap? Because there's no point in it.
  • Why won't anyone eat the dogs birthday cake? Because he always slobbers out the candles!
  • Why won't cannibals eat Frank Sinatra? Because he's always coming back!
  • Why won't pigs take up jogging? They don't like to get that far from the table.
  • Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
  • Why won't the witch let the traveling pig actors into her gingerbread cottage? She's afraid they'll bring down the house.
  • Why would a blonde wear green lipstick? Because red means Stop.
  • Why would someone in jail want to catch the measles? So he could break out.
  • Why would the cannibal only eat babies? He was on a diet!
  • Why wouldn't anyone play with the little longhorn? He was too much of a bully!
  • Why wouldn't the bird let her chicks go near the pig pen? She didn't want the pigs eating shredded tweet.
  • Why wouldn't the piglet's mother let her read romantic novels? She was afraid her daughter would run away with a wolf.
  • Why wouldn't the snake go on the weighing maching? Because he had his own scales!
  • Why wouldn't the sow let her piglets play with toads? She didn't want them to grow into wart hogs.
  • Why wouldn't the vampire eat his soup? It clotted.
  • Why, if the best things in life are free, the next-best things are so expensive?
  • Wiccan Army: We will not fly silently into the night!
  • Wife: Do you think of me when you're away darling? Husband: Yes honey, I always bare you in mind.
  • Wife: Why don't you ever callout my name when we're making love? ! Husband: Because I don't want to wake you.
  • Will He Win? by Betty Wont
  • Will Rogers never met a lawyer.
  • Will Write Code for Food!
  • Will build thermonuclear devices for food
  • Will is character in action.
  • Will litigate for food!
  • Will the last American leaving Miami, please bring the flag?
  • Will the road you're on get you to my place?-- God
  • Will work for food... Will beg for sex
  • Wink, I'll do the rest!
  • Winning is a habit. Unfortunately, so is losing.
  • Winning the Lottery by Jack Potts
  • Wisdom is humble that he knows no more.
  • Wishing things away is not effective
  • Witch Wagon - Tailgaters will be Toad!
  • Witch l: How do you manage to stay in shape? Witch 2: I get a lot of hexercise.
  • Witch's Parking ONLY! All Others Will Be TOAD!
  • Witch: Doctor, I don't feel well. Doctor: Don't worry, you'll just have to go to bed for a spell.
  • Witch: My other vehicle is a broom stick.
  • Witches Heal!
  • Witches are Crafty People!
  • Witches are just so crafty!
  • Witches do it in circles!
  • Witches use brooms because nature abhors a vacuum.
  • Witches' Parking - All others Toad.
  • With confidence, you can reach truly amazing heights; without confidence, even the simplest accomplishments are beyond your grasp.
  • With enough thrust, lift is irrelevant.
  • With my life I could be on all of Oprah's shows.
  • With perseverance you can discover any truth
  • Without goals, and plans to reach them, you are like a ship that has set sail with no destination.
  • Without preservation and cultivation of the spiritual, your material success will be as ashes in your mouths.
  • Wizard Wagon - Tailgaters will be toad!
  • Wizards have crystal balls & Halloween - what have you got?
  • Woman in bed: Aaagh! Aaagh! A ghost just floated into my room! Ghost: Don't worry, ma'am, I'm just passing through.
  • Woman make great leaders, you're following one!
  • Woman: Officer you must help. I've just lost my wig. Police officer: Certainly, ma'am, we'll comb the area.
  • Woman: Why are you begging for a quarter? Beggar: I didn't think someone like you would give me a dollar.
  • Women are like computers -- even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
  • Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it.
  • Women belong in the house (and the Senate).
  • Women can be saints. Why not priests?
  • Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself
  • Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of? Being stuck in a lift with the Spice girls.
  • Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
  • Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
  • Work harder!! Millions on welfare are depending on you.
  • Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
  • Work is for people who don't know how to golf.
  • Work is for people who don't surf the net!
  • Work is for people who dont know how to play XBOX
  • Work is the miracle by which talent is brought to the surface and dreams become reality.
  • Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.
  • Worry. God knows all about you.
  • Worrying can help you prepare
  • Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
  • Would you like a duck egg for supper? Only if you quack it for me.
  • Would you like something from my Easter basket? Sure! Here. Have some plastic grass.
  • Would you like to buy a second-hand computer? I'm afraid not. I'm only able to type with one hand as it is.
  • Would you rather have a 300-pound dog chase you or a tiger? I'd rather have him chase the tiger.
  • Would you rather have a baby brother or a baby sister? I'd much rather have a jelly baby.
  • XXX the censors!
  • YO MAMA IS SO FAT WHEN YOU GO AROUND HER YOU GET LOST!
  • YO MAMA SO STUPID WHEN THEY SAID THAT IT IS CHILLY OUTSIDE, SHE WENT OUTSIDE WITH A BOWL AND A SPOON.
  • YO momma so fat that they had to install speed bumps at all you can eat buffet
  • Yes this is my truck. No I wont help you move.
  • Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
  • Yes, I've heard of "decaf." What's your point?
  • Yo Mama So Fat she sat on a rainbow and made skittles.
  • Yo Mama is so fat, she had to be baptized atSea world. (Lionheartyz)
  • Yo Mama is so fat. . . when she took her shirt off at the strip club, everyone thought she was Jabba The Hut from Star Wars
  • Yo Mama so dumb she put lipstick on her fore-head to make up her mind.
  • Yo Mama so fat she gives herself group hugs!
  • Yo Mama so fat, she rolled out of bed and everybody thought there was an earthquake.
  • Yo Mama so fat, she's gotta wake up in sections
  • Yo Mama soooo old she was wearing a Jesus starter jacket!
  • Yo Mama's so fat she sank the Titanic!
  • Yo Mama's so fat she uses an air balloon forparachute.
  • Yo Mama's so fat that when she sits on the beach, whales swim up to her and sing We are family. . . !
  • Yo Mama's so stupid, she got locked in a Furniture World and slept on the floor.
  • Yo Mamas so stupid she got lost in a telephone booth.
  • Yo Mamas teeth are so yellow I can't believe it's not butter.
  • Yo Momma is so ugly that she scares blind people! ! ! !
  • Yo Momma so black when she goes swimming poeple thinks shes and oil spill.
  • Yo mama aint got no ears hollin bout let me hear both sides of da story!
  • Yo mama cross-eyed and watches TV in stereo.
  • Yo mama feet are so big her shoes have to have license plates!
  • Yo mama hair so short when she braided it they looked like stiches.
  • Yo mama has so many chins, it looks like she's wearing a fat necklace! !
  • Yo mama head so big it shows up on radar.
  • Yo mama head so big she has to step into her shirts.
  • Yo mama head so small she use a tea-bag as a pillow.
  • Yo mama head so small that she got her ear pierced and died.
  • Yo mama house so small that when she orders a large pizza she had to go outside to eat it.
  • Yo mama house so small you have to go outside to change your mind.
  • Yo mama in a wheelchair and says, You ain't gonna puch me 'round no more.
  • Yo mama is missing a finger and can't count past nine.
  • Yo mama is so fat that she needs a book mark to keep track of all her chin rolls!
  • Yo mama is so fat that when she went bunggie jumping in a yellow dress, everyone was screaming the suns falling!
  • Yo mama is so fat you could use her bellybutton as a wishing well. . .
  • Yo mama is so fat, she can sit on a t3 cable and make the internet traffic slow right down to 1 bit per day.
  • Yo mama is so fat. . . that she broke a branch in herfamily tree!
  • Yo mama is so fat. . . that she makes Godzilla look like an action figure
  • Yo mama is so fat. . . that when she wore a blue and green sweater, everyone thoughtshe was Planet Earth
  • Yo mama is so hairy, that Bigfoot triedto take her picture!
  • Yo mama is so old that her bus pass is in hieroglyphics! !
  • Yo mama is so poor when her friend came over to usethe bathroom she said ok, choose a corner.
  • Yo mama is so stupid she sold her car for gas money.
  • Yo mama is so stupid when she asked me what kind of jeans am i wearing i said Guess and she said Levis.
  • Yo mama is so ugly the government movedhalloween to her birthday.
  • Yo mama middle name is Rambo.
  • Yo mama mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound.
  • Yo mama nose so big she makes Pinochio look like a cat!
  • Yo mama nose so big that her neck broke from the weight!
  • Yo mama rouchy, the McDonalds she works in doesn't even serve Happy Meals.
  • Yo mama so bald even a wig wouldn't help!
  • Yo mama so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed.
  • Yo mama so bald you can see whats on her mind
  • Yo mama so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone.
  • Yo mama so dark she went to night school and was marked absent!
  • Yo mama so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!
  • Yo mama so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!
  • Yo mama so fat her nickname is Lardo
  • Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise
  • Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.
  • Yo mama so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!
  • Yo mama so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says okay!
  • Yo mama so fat she has more chins than a chinese phone book
  • Yo mama so fat she has seat belts on the chairs to keep her fat from rolling off! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
  • Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy
  • Yo mama so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!
  • Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
  • Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!
  • Yo mama so fat she sat on a tractor and made it a pick-up truck.
  • Yo mama so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!
  • Yo mama so fat she uses the interstate as aslip and slide.
  • Yo mama so fat she wakes up in sections!
  • Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then new world
  • Yo mama so fat she wears a vcr as a beeper.
  • Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone
  • Yo mama so fat she's got her own area code!
  • Yo mama so fat that when she puts on her yellow rain coat and walks down the street people shout out cab!
  • Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear Caution! Wide Turn
  • Yo mama so fat the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale!
  • Yo mama so fat when God said, Let there be light he he to ask her to move out of the way.
  • Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up
  • Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
  • Yo mama so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell!
  • Yo mama so fat when she get on da elevator it says next stop hell
  • Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.
  • Yo mama so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
  • Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions!
  • Yo mama so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck! ! !
  • Yo mama so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
  • Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L. A. , Chicago
  • Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read one at a time, please
  • Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th
  • Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said Taxi!
  • Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
  • Yo mama so fat, when she dive into the ocean, there is a tsunami warning out! !
  • Yo mama so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!
  • Yo mama so hairy she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan.
  • Yo mama so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.
  • Yo mama so lazy she's got a remote control just to operate her remote!
  • Yo mama so lazy that she came in last place in a recent snail marathon.
  • Yo mama so nasty. . . cows with mad cow disease run from her. .
  • Yo mama so old I told her to act her own age, and she died.
  • Yo mama so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.
  • Yo mama so old her birth certificate says expired on it.
  • Yo mama so old her social security number is 1!
  • Yo mama so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.
  • Yo mama so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.
  • Yo mama so old she ran track with dinosaurs.
  • Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
  • Yo mama so poor I stepped in her house and I was in the backyard.
  • Yo mama so poor she can't afford to pay attention!
  • Yo mama so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, What ya doin'? She said, Buying luggage.
  • Yo mama so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning.
  • Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell she says, DING!
  • Yo mama so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said Moving.
  • Yo mama so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
  • Yo mama so short she can play handball on the curb.
  • Yo mama so short she does backflips under the bed.
  • Yo mama so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
  • Yo mama so short she poses for trophies!
  • Yo mama so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerio
  • Yo mama so skinny she turned sideways and dissapeared.
  • Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 seconds.
  • Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.
  • Yo mama so stupid she worked at an m&m factory and threw out all the W's.
  • Yo mama so stupid. . she sits on the t. v and watches the couch
  • Yo mama so tall she tripped in Michigan and hit her head in Florida.
  • Yo mama so tall she tripped over a rock and hit her head on the moon.
  • Yo mama so ugly The NHL banned her for life
  • Yo mama so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!
  • Yo mama so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!
  • Yo mama so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
  • Yo mama so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck
  • Yo mama so ugly just after she was born, her mother said What a treasure! and her father said Yes, let's go bury it.
  • Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
  • Yo mama so ugly she got beat up by her imaginary friends
  • Yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry.
  • Yo mama so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!
  • Yo mama so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!
  • Yo mama so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
  • Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
  • Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said Sorry, no professionals.
  • Yo mama so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say Wow, is it Halloween already?
  • Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras
  • Yo mama so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours. . . for a quote!
  • Yo mama teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!
  • Yo mama's glasses are so thick she can see into the future.
  • Yo mama's glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can see people waving.
  • Yo mama's house is so small you have to go outside to change your mind.
  • Yo mama's like the sun you look at her to long you will go blind!
  • Yo mama's o fat she supplies 99% of British gas.
  • Yo mama's so fat when she takes a bath she fills the tub then turns on the water.
  • Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to Taco Bell, they run for the border! !
  • Yo mama's so fat, when she turns around they throw her a welcome back party.
  • Yo mama's so fat, when she was in school she sat next to everybody!
  • Yo mama's so stupid she can't pass a blood test.
  • Yo mama's so stupid that she burned down the house with a CD burner.
  • Yo mama's so stupid, she ordered a cheeseburger without the cheese.
  • Yo mama's teeth are so yellow that when she smiles traffic slows down.
  • Yo mama's teeth so yellow that when she smiles everyone sings, i got sunshine on a cloudy day. . . . .
  • Yo mamas so dumb she brought a spoon to the Super-Bowl.
  • Yo mamas so dumb, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
  • Yo mamas so fat it took me a bus and two trains just to get on her good side.
  • Yo mamas so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon.
  • Yo mamas so fat she needs a hula hoop to keep up her socks.
  • Yo mamas so fat she needs a watch on both arms because she covers two time zones.
  • Yo mamas so fat she sets off car alarms when she runs.
  • Yo mamas so fat she walked in front of the tv and I missed 3 commercials.
  • Yo mamas so fat when she fell in love she broke it.
  • Yo mamas so fat when she goes to a restaurant she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
  • Yo mamas so fat when she wears a red dress all the kids scream look its the koolaid man
  • Yo mamas so old she has Jesus' beeper number!
  • Yo mamas so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
  • Yo mamas so poor I see her kicking a can down the road, I said what yar doing she said moving! ! !
  • Yo mamas so stupid she can't pass a blood test.
  • Yo mamas so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead, because she wanted to make up her mind.
  • Yo mamas so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
  • Yo mamas so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
  • Yo mamas so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras.
  • Yo mamas so ugly when she was born, your mother said, "What a treasure!" and your father said, "Yea lets go bury it".
  • Yo mamas so ugly, she got arrested for mooning when she looked out a window.
  • Yo mamma is so fat when a bus hit her she said who threw the pebble.
  • Yo mamma is so fat, her husband has to stand up in bed each morning to see if it's daylight.
  • Yo mamma is so stupid she tried to commit suicide by jumping from the basement window.
  • Yo mamma so fat she make a whale look bulimic
  • Yo mamma so fat, every time she turns around its her b-day!!!
  • Yo mamma so stupid she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to turn green.
  • Yo mamma so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping out her basement window.
  • Yo mamma's so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon.
  • Yo mamma's so fat she needs a watch on both arms because she covers two time zones.
  • Yo moma is so old she knew the Great Wall of China when it was just ok
  • Yo momma so bald head she put a weave cap on and it weave her cull
  • Yo momma so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.
  • Yo momma so fat the back of her neck is like a pack of hot dogs
  • Yo mommas so poor the roaches pay the light bill!
  • Yo'moma so fat she jumped off the Grand Canon and got stuck
  • You Go Yahweh - and I'll go Mine! You have every right to hear my opinion.
  • You Might Be a Sad Sack If: You are over 30 and still living with your parents.
  • You Might Be a Sad Sack If: You are so annoying that even your multiple personalities won't speak to you any more.
  • You Might Be a Sad Sack If: You get fired from your job at McDonalds.
  • You Might Be a Sad Sack If: You look forward to going to a Catholic church for confession just so you can have someone to talk to.
  • You Might Be a Sad Sack If: You notice that all of your long-distance phone calls start with "900."
  • You Might Be a Sad Sack If: You pick your nose and don't care who sees you.
  • You Might Be a Sad Sack If: You remind a teacher that she forgot to give homework.
  • You Might Be a Sad Sack If: You welcome calls from phone salesmen because no one else will talk to you.
  • You Might Be a Sad Sack If: Your imaginary friends keep finding excuses not to come over.
  • You Might Be a Sad Sack If: Your mom still picks your clothes out for you.
  • You and I can never do a kindness too soon, for we never know how soon it will be too late.
  • You are depriving some poor village of its Idiot.
  • You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
  • You are overcome by the fact because you think you are.
  • You are proof that God has a sense of humor.
  • You are the same today as you will be five years from now except for two things...the people you meet and the books you read.
  • You can do anything you wish to do, have anything you wish to have, be anything you wish to be.
  • You can do what you have to do, and sometimes you can do it even better than you think you can.
  • You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help enough other people get what they want.
  • You can make yourself happy or miserable - it's the same amount of effort.
  • You can not make excuses and money at the same time.
  • You can read his mind in his face. Yes, it's usually a complete blank.
  • You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him or her.
  • You can't build a reputation on what you're going to do.
  • You can't chill out in the Hellfire... It's cooler to be a Muslim
  • You can't expect people to be something they're not
  • You can't fix stupid
  • You can't fool others if you're fooling yourself
  • You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
  • You can't have everything...where would you put it?
  • You can't hit a target you cannot see, and you cannot see a target you do not have.
  • You can't love God unless God loves Himself.
  • You cannot make it as a wandering generality. You must become a meaningful specific.
  • You do not lead by hitting people over the head - that's assault, not leadership.
  • You don't become enormously successful without encountering and overcoming a number of extremely challenging problems.
  • You don't believe in Jesus? You will on Judgment Day.
  • You don't concentrate on risks. You concentrate on results. No risk is too great to prevent the necessary job from getting done.
  • You don't drown by falling in water; you only drown if you stay there.
  • You don't have to be a fantastic hero to do certain things, to compete.
  • You don't know what's what until you support yourself
  • You don't need a pedigree to be a best friend
  • You don't see many reindeer in zoos, do you? No. They can't afford the admission.
  • You earthlings have such strange eating habits
  • You eat three times a day; why can't you pray five times?
  • You found God? If nobody claims him in 30 days, he's yours!
  • You have a very powerful mind that can make anything happen as long as you keep yourself centered.
  • You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
  • You have the right to remain silent. So please SHUT UP.
  • You have to be really secure to be seen in a car like this.
  • You have to perform at a consistently higher level than others. That's the mark of a true professional.
  • You just might be a redneck if: You go to the fmily reunions to find a date!
  • You know an ancestor of mine came over on the Mayflower. Really? Which rat was he?
  • You know how most packages say Open here. What is the protocol if the package says, Open somewhere else?
  • You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes - why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
  • You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
  • You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nites, and so does she.
  • You know the worst thing about oral sex? The view.
  • You know when you've gone for a girl who's abit too young when you've got to make the train noise to get your C&*k in her mouth
  • You know why God is a man? ... Because if God was a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate.
  • You leave old habits behind by starting out with the thought, 'I release the need for this in my life'.
  • You mama's so skinny . . . . she can hang glide with a dorito!
  • You manage things; you lead people.
  • You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try.
  • You mean I can't update my sexy amazing picture.
  • You might be a redneck if: Part of Your computer is held together with duct tape.
  • You might be a redneck if: Someone tells You they're "locked up" and You ask if they need bail money.
  • You might be a redneck if: Someone tells you that your computer has a bug an you reach for the can of Raid.
  • You might be a redneck if: When You tern your computer on you say, "Come OOOOOOON Betsy."
  • You might be a redneck if: When birds fly across your screen you reach for Your shotgun.
  • You might be a redneck if: You call tech support an ask where to buy stamps for your e-mail.
  • You might be a redneck if: You catch yourself trying to smell the little flower on your ICQ contact list.
  • You might be a redneck if: You find yourself on the floor looking into your "A Drive" yelling 'Give it back! Give it Back'.
  • You might be a redneck if: You give directions to a website that include a person, animal, or old barn.
  • You might be a redneck if: You go buy a surfboard to surf the net.
  • You might be a redneck if: You have to ask someone how to spell LOL.
  • You might be a redneck if: You keep trying to figure out why your scanner won't pick up police radio calls.
  • You might be a redneck if: You play Frisbee with your CD Rom's.
  • You might be a redneck if: You put a mousetrap on your desk.
  • You might be a redneck if: You see the "shift" key and try to figure out how to change gears.
  • You might be a redneck if: You see the word "Zip" and know why you were feeling a draft.
  • You might be a redneck if: You see the word Download, and take the shells out of your shotgun.
  • You might be a redneck if: You sees the word "Refresh" and reach into the cooler for another beer.
  • You might be a redneck if: You sees the word "Website" and start looking for spiders.
  • You might be a redneck if: You stomach overlaps half of your keyboard.
  • You might be a redneck if: You think 64 M RAM is a new big block engine for Your pickup.
  • You might be a redneck if: You think CD stands for Cow Dung.
  • You might be a redneck if: You think GIF stands for "Goodie It's Free."
  • You might be a redneck if: You think Geocities is a place to buy little cars.
  • You might be a redneck if: You think ICQ is how smart your computer is.
  • You might be a redneck if: You think MB stands for "More Beer."
  • You might be a redneck if: You think Mirabilis is a new brand of smokes.
  • You might be a redneck if: You think a hard drive is a trip to Uncle Bubba's.
  • You might be a redneck if: You think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonalds.
  • You might be a redneck if: You think a mouse pad is where Mighty Mouse and his cousins hang.
  • You might be a redneck if: You think a surge supressor is a pill for diarrhea.
  • You might be a redneck if: You think pushing the delete key will make your ol' lady disappear.
  • You might be a redneck if: You think screen saver is a new flavor o' candy.
  • You might be a redneck if: You think system wizard is a hippie lookin dude in a pointed funny hat.
  • You might be a redneck if: You think the "A drive" is where you park your pickup.
  • You might be a redneck if: You think the person that made your keyboard was dumb 'cuz the letters aren't in order.
  • You might be a redneck if: You think www in a URL is a logo for a wrestling organization.
  • You might be a redneck if: You think your homepage is where you really live.
  • You might be a redneck if: You try to figure out how Your floppy disk got hard.
  • You might be a redneck if: You try to figure out how to get your empty beer cans into the recycling bin.
  • You might be a redneck if: You try to turn on your computer with the remote.
  • You might be a redneck if: You use Your CD-ROM drive as a beer holder.
  • You might be a redneck if: You wait for the Bluelight special at K-Mart to buy your computer.
  • You might be a redneck if: You wonder why your screen saver ain't wearing a cape like that there superhero on the cartoons.
  • You might be a redneck if: You've ever been too drunk to chat.
  • You might be a redneck if: Your computer has a bumper sticker on it.
  • You might be a redneck if: Your computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2x8's and cinderblocks.
  • You might be a redneck if: Your in a chat room and someone asks where your from and you reply, "My momma."
  • You might be a redneck if: Your mouse keeps knocking over your spitcan.
  • You might be a redneck if: Your screen saver is a confederate flag and plays Dixie.
  • You might be a redneck if: Your yard is full of old computers stacked on cinder blocks.
  • You must be from the shallow end of the gene pool.
  • You must have long term goals to keep you from being frustrated by short term failures.
  • You need to log on to the window repair website! I did - but it gave me a pane!
  • You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  • You never see a Harley parked in front of a shrink's office.
  • You never will be the person you can be if pressure, tension and discipline are taken out of your life.
  • You non-conformists are all the same.
  • You owe the world not the other way around
  • You said it was a great horse and it is. It took twenty other horses to beat him!
  • You said this horse could jump as high as a ten foot fence and he can't jump at all. Well neither can a fence!
  • You say "bitch" like its a bad thing.
  • You say "psycho" like it's a bad thing.
  • You so short you have to look up to look down.
  • You think it's hot here?-- God
  • You toucha my Car, you fry for Eternity.
  • You will become as great as your dominant aspiration. If you cherish a vision, a lofty ideal in your heart, you will realize it.
  • You! Out of the Gene Pool!
  • You'd be like this, too, if they dropped a house on your sister!
  • You'll need to know my name. You'll be screaming it later.
  • You're Just Jealous because the Voices are talking To Me
  • You're People of the Book; what are you worried about?
  • You're a big Internet fan aren't you? Yes - it's becoming a habit!
  • You're a big internet fan, arn't you? Yes, I really get a buzz out of it!
  • You're driving a car. It isn't a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.
  • You're just jealous because the Voices only talk to ME.
  • You're making a food order, not choosing life insurance.
  • You're pro-life? That's fine. Now get one and stay out of mine!
  • You're spending a lot of time at that computer screen. Have you had your eyes checked? No, they've always been blue!
  • You're the reason God created the middle finger.
  • You've failed history again! Well you always told me to let bygones be bygones!
  • You've obviously mistaken me for someone who cares
  • You, too, can determine what you want. You can decide on your major objectives, targets, aims and destination.
  • Your Momma's so black she got counted absent at night school.
  • Your TURN SIGNALS are for my enjoyment ! Your village just called. They're missing an idiot.
  • Your big opportunity may be right where you are now.
  • Your child may be an honors student, but You're a moron.
  • Your child may be an honors student, but You're still an idiot.
  • Your energy, your will, your God!
  • Your gene pool needs a little chlorine!
  • Your head is sooooo bald I mistook you for a green rabbit.
  • Your mama so fat she was going to walmart tripped over kmart and landed right on target! ! !
  • Your mama so fat that when she wanted a water bed, they had to put a cover over the Atlantic Ocean.
  • Your mama's so fat the government forced her to wear tailights and blinkers so no one else would get hurt
  • Your mamas feet are so scaly you can see crocodile dundy in her foot bath.
  • Your mamas so skinny she swallowed a meatball n thought she was pregnant.
  • Your momma is so fat that her measurements are 26-34-28, and her other arm is just as big!
  • Your momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved.
  • Your moms house is so poor I went to knock on her door and a roach tripped me and a rat took my wallet
  • Your money or your lifeby Stan Den Deliver
  • Your net worth to the world is usually determined by what remains after your bad habits are subtracted from your good ones.
  • Your own mind is a sacred enclosure into which nothing harmful can enter except by your permission.
  • Your own mind is a sacred enclosure into which nothing harmful can enter except by your promotion.
  • Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
  • Your so bald that when you wear a turtleneck you look like a roll on deodorant.
  • Your so bald, I can see what your thinking.
  • Your so boring, if you threw a boomerang, it wouldn't come back to you!
  • Your so poor, I stepped in your house and stepped on a cigarette, and your mom said, Who turned of the lights.
  • Your successes and happiness are forgiven you only if you generously consent to share them.
  • Your ugly. And you're drunk. Yes, but in the morning I'll be sober!
  • Zeal without knowledge is fire without light.
  • Zero to naked in 5 drinks flat!
  • Zero to naked in 5.1 beers.
  • Zoo visitor: What's the new baby hippo's name? Hippopotamus keeper: I don't know, he won't tell me.
  • sex@myplace.com.now

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