Funny Quotes - Page 6

  • What do lawyers do after they die? They lie still.
  • What do lightning bolts do when they laugh? -They crack up
  • What do little piglets do on a Saturday night? Have a pigjama party!
  • What do little pigs want to be when they grow up? Garbage collectors.
  • What do lovesick owls say when it's raining? Too-wet-to-woo.
  • What do mice do when they're at home? Mousework!
  • What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle Bells, Jungle bells. . !
  • What do monsters play when they are in the bus? Squash.
  • What do most people do when they see a python? They re-coil!
  • What do naked fish play with? Bare-a-cudas!
  • What do owls sing when it is raining? 'Too wet to woo'!
  • What do parrots eat? Polyfilla!
  • What do piggys take when they are sick? Pigicillin!
  • What do pigs do on nice afternoons? They go on pignics.
  • What do pigs drive? Pig-up trucks!
  • What do pigs like with chow mein? Sooey sauce.
  • What do polar bears have for lunch? Ice burger!
  • What do pygmy cannibals eat for breakfast? Weedie Bix! !
  • What do rabbits put in their computers? Hoppy disks!
  • What do rednecks call duct tape? .... Chrome.
  • What do rednecks do on Halloween? Pump-kin!
  • What do reindeer say before telling you a joke? This one will sleigh you!
  • What do robots put at the bottom of their e-mails? Yours tin-sincerely.
  • What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
  • What do romantic fish sing to each other? Salmon-chanted evening!
  • What do sea monsters have for dinner? Fish and ships.
  • What do sick cannibals have for breakfast? Vitamin bills!
  • What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common? You always hear about them but never see any!
  • What do snakes have on their bath towels? Hiss and Hers!
  • What do snakes write on the bottom of their letters? With love and hisses.
  • What do snowmen eat for lunch? Icebergers!
  • What do snowmen wear on their heads? Ice caps!
  • What do some burger eaters have? A Hardee appetite!
  • What do some people have against cheeseburgers? They say, 'Burgers can't be cheesy! '
  • What do stupid kids do at Halloween? They carve a face on an apple and go bobbing for pumpkins!
  • What do stupid kids do at Halloween? They carve a face on an apple and go bobbing for pumpkins.
  • What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas? .... A documentary.
  • What do they call "Hee Haw" in Kentucky? .... "Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."
  • What do they call a bunch of Mississippi football players standing in a circle holding hands? A dope ring.
  • What do they call a meeting among the most brilliant people in Burger Land? A MEATing of the minds!
  • What do they feed a gorilla when he goes to Paris? Ape Suzettes!
  • What do they have for lunch at Monster School? Human beans, boiled legs, pickled bunions and eyes-cream.
  • What do they say about the noise at the Burger Land Super Bowl? It's PAN-demonium!
  • What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
  • What do they use to ship styrofoam?
  • What do tigers wear in bed? Stripey pyjamas!
  • What do toads drink? Croaka-cola!
  • What do vampire footballers have at half-time? Blood oranges.
  • What do vampires cross the sea in? Blood vessels.
  • What do vampires have at eleven o'clock every day? A coffin break.
  • What do vampires make sandwiches out of? Self-raising dead.
  • What do vampires put at the bottom of their e-mails? Best viscious.
  • What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas? Grave-y!
  • What do werewolves put at the bottom of their e-mails? Beast wishes.
  • What do witches eat at Halloween? Spook-etti, Halloweenies, Devil's food cake and Boo-berry pie.
  • What do witches eat at Halloween? Spooketti, halloweenies, devils food cake and booberry pie!
  • What do witches ring for in a hotel? B-room service.
  • What do witches use pencil sharpeners for? To keep their hats pointed.
  • What do you always get on your birthday? Another year older! birt
  • What do you call 100 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel!
  • What do you call 500 Natives running on the race track? The Indy 500.
  • What do you call 9 blondes in a circle? A dope ring.
  • What do you call A Tale of Two Mosquitoes? A bite-time story.
  • What do you call a 100 spiders on a tyre? A spinning wheel!
  • What do you call a 100 year old ant? An antique!
  • What do you call a 100 year old frog? An old croak!
  • What do you call a Polish aardvark? A Polaark!
  • What do you call a Scottish parrot? A Macaw!
  • What do you call a Welshman who writes lots of letters? Pen Gwyn!
  • What do you call a bee who's had a spell put on him? He's bee-witched!
  • What do you call a bell wearing a tutu? A bellerina!
  • What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather!
  • What do you call a big irish spider? Paddy long legs!
  • What do you call a big white bear with a hole in his middle? A polo bear!
  • What do you call a bird that lives underground? A mynah bird!
  • What do you call a black Eskimo dog? A dusky husky!
  • What do you call a black cat than can spring up to a six foot wall? A good jumpurr!
  • What do you call a bloke with a bus on his head? Dead.
  • What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? Branch manager.
  • What do you call a blonde standing between two brunettes? A mental block!
  • What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
  • What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant with twins.
  • What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant!
  • What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.
  • What do you call a boring dog? A dull-mation!
  • What do you call a boxing match between two aardvarks? A snout bout!
  • What do you call a bug that bothers dogs on Halloween? A trick-or-fleat!
  • What do you call a bull that runs into a threshing machine? Hamburger!
  • What do you call a bull that's sent overseas by boat? Shipped beef!
  • What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek? Fowl play!
  • What do you call a cat that has just eaten a whole duck? A duck filled fatty puss!
  • What do you call a cat wearing shoes? Puss in boots!
  • What do you call a cat with eight legs that likes to swim? An octopuss!
  • What do you call a chicken that crosses the road without looking both ways? Dead.
  • What do you call a chocolate Easter bunny that was out in the sun too long? A runny bunny.
  • What do you call a clever monster? Frank Einstein.
  • What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? Ground Beef
  • What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk? A milk dud!
  • What do you call a cow that fell in a hole? A hole-y Cow!
  • What do you call a cow that plays the guitar? A Moosician!
  • What do you call a cow that's just had a baby? De-calfinated!
  • What do you call a cow who argues with her husband? A bullfighter!
  • What do you call a cow who works for a gardener? A lawn moo-er.
  • What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean Beef
  • What do you call a cowboy who helps out in a school? The deputy head!
  • What do you call a crafty pig? CunningHam
  • What do you call a crate of ducks? A box of quackers!
  • What do you call a crazy chicken? A cuckoo cluck!
  • What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much? A beer-a-cuda!
  • What do you call a deaf fishing boat captain? Anything you like, he can't hear you.
  • What do you call a dentist in the army? A drill sergeant!
  • What do you call a dog in jeans and a sweater? A plain clothes police dog!
  • What do you call a dog in the middle of a muddy road? A mutt in a rut!
  • What do you call a dog with no legs? .......... Doesn't matter... he won't come to you anyway!
  • What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter what you call him, he still won't come!
  • What do you call a dumb bunny? A hare brain.
  • What do you call a fight between film actors? Star wars!
  • What do you call a fire at the Internet cafe? An e-mergency.
  • What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fish!
  • What do you call a flying skunk? A smellicopter!
  • What do you call a frog spy? A croak and dagger agent!
  • What do you call a frog who wants to be a cowboy? Hoppalong Cassidy!
  • What do you call a frog who wants to be a cowboy? Hoppalong Cassidy.
  • What do you call a ghost at midnight? A sheet in the dark!
  • What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet? A holy terror.
  • What do you call a ghost on the Internet? e-erie.
  • What do you call a ghost that stays out all night? Afresh air freak.
  • What do you call a ghost who only haunts the Town Hall? The nightmayor.
  • What do you call a ghost who's always sleeping? Lazy bones.
  • What do you call a ghost with a broken leg? Hoblin Goblin.
  • What do you call a gigantic polar bear? Nothing, you just run away!
  • What do you call a girl with a frog in her hair? Lily!
  • What do you call a grasshopper with no legs? A grasshover!
  • What do you call a greedy ant? An anteater!
  • What do you call a group of cars? A clutch!
  • What do you call a group of cattle sent into orbit? The first herd shot round the world!
  • What do you call a guard with a hundred legs? A sentrypede.
  • What do you call a guy at your front door with no legs or arms? ...... Matt!
  • What do you call a happy Lassie? A jolly collie!
  • What do you call a herd of cows in a psychiatrists office? An encownter group.
  • What do you call a high-priced barber shop? A clip joint.
  • What do you call a horse that plays the violin? Fiddler on the hoof!
  • What do you call a horse that's been all around the world? A globe-trotter!
  • What do you call a horse wearing Venetian blinds? A zebra!
  • What do you call a huge, ugly, slobbering, furry monster with cotton wool in his ears? Anything you like? he can't hear you.
  • What do you call a lady pig planting seeds? A sow sow.
  • What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve? Black mail!
  • What do you call a lion wearing a cravat and a flower in its mane? A dandy lion!
  • What do you call a literary fish? Salmon Rushdie!
  • What do you call a litter of young dogs who have come in from the snow? Slush puppies!
  • What do you call a loony spaceman? An astronut!
  • What do you call a mammoth who conducts an orchestra? Tuskanini.
  • What do you call a man who claps at Christmas? Santapplause!
  • What do you call a man who cleans out toilets? Lou!
  • What do you call a man who has been dead and buried for thousands of years? Pete.
  • What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower? A widower.
  • What do you call a man who opens the car door for you? A chauffeur.
  • What do you call a man with a double decker bus on his head? The deceased!
  • What do you call a man with a kilt over his head? Scott!
  • What do you call a man with a large flatfish on his head? Ray!
  • What do you call a man with a rabbit up his jumper? Warren!
  • What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool? - Bob
  • What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting on your front porch? - Matt
  • What do you call a mayfly with a criminal tendencies? Baddy long legs!
  • What do you call a mobile homes for rabbits? Wheelburrows!
  • What do you call a monster with a wooden head? Edward.
  • What do you call a monster with two wooden heads? Edward Woodward.
  • What do you call a mouse that can pick up a monster? Sir.
  • What do you call a neurotic octopus? A crazy, mixed-up squid.
  • What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head? Sister Matic!
  • What do you call a nutty dog in Australia? A dingo-ling!
  • What do you call a parrot when it has dried itself after a bath? Polly unsaturated!
  • What do you call a pen with no hair? A bald point!
  • What do you call a person who falls onto you on a train? A laplander!
  • What do you call a pickled aardvark? A jarredvark!
  • What do you call a pig in a steel foundry? A pig pig.
  • What do you call a pig that took a plane? Swine flu!
  • What do you call a pig thief? A hamburglar!
  • What do you call a pig who overacts? A ham ham.
  • What do you call a pig who's been arrested for dangerous driving? A road hog!
  • What do you call a pig with good table manners? Sick.
  • What do you call a pig with no clothes on? Streaky bacon!
  • What do you call a pig with no legs? A groundhog!
  • What do you call a pig with the flu? A swine swine.
  • What do you call a pig with three eyes? . . . A piiig
  • What do you call a policeman with blonde hair? A fair cop!
  • What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A hoarse horse!
  • What do you call a pretend railway? A play station!
  • What do you call a proton with big hair? A 'froton.
  • What do you call a python with a great bedside manner? A snake charmer!
  • What do you call a python with a great bedside manner? A snake charmer.
  • What do you call a rabbit that plays with foxes? A dumb bunny.
  • What do you call a rabbit who is real cool? A hip hopper.
  • What do you call a rabbit who tells jokes? A funny bunny
  • What do you call a rabbit who works in a bakery? A yeaster bunny!
  • What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny.
  • What do you call a rabbit with no clothes on? A bare hare.
  • What do you call a rich frog? A gold-blooded reptile.
  • What do you call a rich frog? A golf blooded reptile!
  • What do you call a robbery in China? A Chinese take away!
  • What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning? An alarm cluck!
  • What do you call a scruffy, lazy ant? Decadant.
  • What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.
  • What do you call a sheepdog's tail that can tell tall stories? A shaggy dogs tale!
  • What do you call a show full of lions? The mane event!
  • What do you call a sick extraterrestrial? An ailin' alien.
  • What do you call a sleeping bull? A bull-dozer.
  • What do you call a small parent? A minimum!
  • What do you call a smart ant? Elegant!
  • What do you call a snake that informs the police? A grass snake!
  • What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird? A feather boa! sna
  • What do you call a snake who works for the governement? A civil serpent!
  • What do you call a stupid ant? Antwerp.
  • What do you call a stupid skeleton? Bonehead.
  • What do you call a telephone call from one vicar to another? A parson to parson call!
  • What do you call a thick-skinned aardvark? A hardvark!
  • What do you call a three-footed aardvark? A yardvark!
  • What do you call a tired cow? Milked out!
  • What do you call a tube with a degree? A graduated cylinder.
  • What do you call a vampire after it is one-year-old? A two-year-old vampire.
  • What do you call a vampire in a raincoat? Mack-u-la!
  • What do you call a vampire junkie? Count Drugula.
  • What do you call a vampire that can lift up cars? Jack-u-la!
  • What do you call a very rude bird? A mockingbird!
  • What do you call a vulture with no beak? A head banger.
  • What do you call a witch that stays out all night? A fresh air freak.
  • What do you call a witch who climbs up walls? Ivy.
  • What do you call a witch who drives really badly? A road hag.
  • What do you call a witch who kills her mother and father? An orphan.
  • What do you call a witch with one leg? Eileen.
  • What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
  • What do you call a woman with a bicycle on her head? Petal!
  • What do you call a woman with one leg? - Ilene
  • What do you call a woodpecker with no beak? A headbanger!
  • What do you call an American with a lavatory on his head? John.
  • What do you call an Arab dairy farmer? A milk sheik.
  • What do you call an English teacher, five feet tall, covered from head to toe in boils and totally bald? Sir!
  • What do you call an Igloo without a toilet? An Ig!
  • What do you call an Internet mystery? An e-nigma.
  • What do you call an aardvark astronaut? A starredvark!
  • What do you call an aardvark good with a light saber? A darthvark!
  • What do you call an aardvark in a frying pan? A lardvark!
  • What do you call an aardvark outside Buckingham Palace? A guardvark!
  • What do you call an aardvark that plays poker? A cardvark!
  • What do you call an aardvark that writes poems? A bardvark!
  • What do you call an aardvark that's been thrown out of a pub? A barredvark!
  • What do you call an aardvark that's good at golf? A paredvark!
  • What do you call an aardvark that's just lost a fight? A vark!
  • What do you call an aardvark that's just won a fight? A well 'aardvark!
  • What do you call an accountant who is seen talking to someone? Popular
  • What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet? Lost
  • What do you call an affectionate rabbit? A tender, loving hare.
  • What do you call an alcoholic dog? A whino!
  • What do you call an alien starship that drips water? A crying saucer!
  • What do you call an alien starship that drips water? A crying saucer.
  • What do you call an alien surfing the Internet? e-t.
  • What do you call an amorous insect? The love bug.
  • What do you call an and with frogs legs? An antphibian!
  • What do you call an anorexic with thrush? A quarter pounder with cheese!
  • What do you call an ant from overseas? Impartant
  • What do you call an ant in space? Cosmonants & Astronants!
  • What do you call an ant who can't play the piano? Discordant!
  • What do you call an ant who likes to be alone? An independant!
  • What do you call an ant who lives with your great uncle? Your great-ant!
  • What do you call an ant who skips school? A truant!
  • What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes? Antteneye!
  • What do you call an ant with frog's legs? An antphibian.
  • What do you call an easy-going rabbit? Hoppy-go-lucky.
  • What do you call an egg from outer space? An unidentified flying omelet!
  • What do you call an elephant creeping through the jungle in the middle of the night? Russell!
  • What do you call an elephant in a phone box? Stuck.
  • What do you call an elephant that can't do sums? Dumbo!
  • What do you call an elephant that flies? A jumbo jet!
  • What do you call an elephant that lies across the middle of a tennis court? Annette!
  • What do you call an elephant with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
  • What do you call an elephant with a rabbit up it's sweater? Warren!
  • What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes at a four way stop.
  • What do you call an honest lawyer? An oxymoron.
  • What do you call an intelligent man in America? A tourist.
  • What do you call an operation on a rabbit? A hare-cut.
  • What do you call an oversize motorcycle for pigs? A hog hog.
  • What do you call an overweight ET? An extra cholesterol!
  • What do you call an road construction aardvark? A tarredvark!
  • What do you call an ugly rabbit that sits on someone's forehead? Unsightly facial hare!
  • What do you call an unusual rabbit? A rare hare.
  • What do you call explosive cow vomit? A cud missle!
  • What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand? - Quattro Sink-o
  • What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space? Steer Wars.
  • What do you call it when one bull spies on another bull? A steak-out!
  • What do you call it when one rabbit challenges another rabbit to hop across a forty-yard canyon? A hare dare.
  • What do you call kinky sex with chocolate? S&M&M
  • What do you call pigs in a demolition derby? Crashing boars.
  • What do you call rubber bumpers on yachts? Shark absorbers!
  • What do you call someone who dances on cars? A morris dancer!
  • What do you call someone who draws funny pictures of motor vehicles? A car-toonist!
  • What do you call someone who spends 24 hours a day on the Internet? Anything you like, they're not listening to you anyway.
  • What do you call someone who sticks his right hand in shark's mouths? Lefty!
  • What do you call ten Utah State law students standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
  • What do you call the English Toad Prize giving cermony? The Brit Awarts!
  • What do you call the Scottish dentist? Phil McCavity!
  • What do you call the everyday routines of rabbits? Rabbits habits.
  • What do you call the ghost who is a child-rearing expert? Dr Spook.
  • What do you call the horse than lives next door? A neighbour!
  • What do you call the outside of a hand gren-egg? The bombshell!
  • What do you call the place where parrots make films? Pollywood!
  • What do you call the queue of Software Engineers standing outside Heaven? The Y2K deadline!
  • What do you call the rabbit up the elephant's sweater? Terrified!
  • What do you call the reindeer with one eye higher than the other? Isaiah!
  • What do you call the ring that worms leave round the bath? The scum of the earth!
  • What do you call the sound a ghost makes when he calls you? A phone moan.
  • What do you call the story of The Three Little Pigs? A pig tail!
  • What do you call two birds in love? Tweethearts!
  • What do you call two rows of cabbages? A dual cabbageway!
  • What do you call two witches who share a room? Broom-mates.
  • What do you calll a woman that people sit on? Cher!
  • What do you do for a pig with sore muscles? Rub him with oinkment.
  • What do you do if King Kong sits in front of you at the cinema? Miss most of the film!
  • What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you? Run - she is still holding the grenade!
  • What do you do if you fiend King Kong in the kitchen? Just don't monkey with him.
  • What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet? Wait until he's finished.
  • What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.
  • What do you do if your bank account stops working? Throw the guy out of the house.
  • What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? Close the door.
  • What do you do if your computer hums? Tell it to change its socsks!
  • What do you do when a Chihuahua sneezes? Get a small hankie!
  • What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back!
  • What do you do when two snails have a fight? Leave them to slug it out.
  • What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
  • What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift? Exchange him.
  • What do you do with a green monster? Put it in the sun until it ripens!
  • What do you do with old cannon balls? Give them to elephants to use as marbles!
  • What do you feed a 600 pound Gorilla? Anything it wants!
  • What do you find in a zombie's veins? Dead blood corpuscles.
  • What do you find in an elephants graveyard? Elephantoms!
  • What do you get from a cow on the North Pole? Cold cream!
  • What do you get from a cowmedian? Cream of Wit!
  • What do you get from a drunk chicken? Scotch eggs!
  • What do you get from a forgetful cow? Milk of amnesia!
  • What do you get from a short-legged cow? Dragon milk!
  • What do you get from an invisible cow? Evaporated milk!
  • What do you get from pampered cows? Spoiled milk!
  • What do you get hanging from Father Christmas' roof? Tired arms!
  • What do you get if King Kong falls down a mine shaft? A flat miner.
  • What do you get if King Kong sits on your best friend? A flat mate.
  • What do you get if King Kong sits on your piano? A flat note.
  • What do you get if a huge hairy monster steps on Batman and Robin? Flatman and Ribbon!
  • What do you get if cross a frog with some mist? Kermit the Fog!
  • What do you get if cross a mouse woth a packet of washing up powder? Bubble and squeak!
  • What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad? Star Warts!
  • What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark? Frost bite!
  • What do you get if cross two young dogs with a pair of headphones? Hush puppies!
  • What do you get if crossed a new born snake with a basketball? A bouncing baby boa!
  • What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire? Dracowla!
  • What do you get if you cross Dracula with AI Capone? A fangster.
  • What do you get if you cross Dracula with Sir Lancelot? A bite in shining armor.
  • What do you get if you cross Dracula with a snail? The world's slowest vampire.
  • What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective? Santa Clues!
  • What do you get if you cross King Kong with a budgie? A messy cage.
  • What do you get if you cross King Kong with a snowman? Frostbite.
  • What do you get if you cross King Kong with a watchdog? A terrified postman.
  • What do you get if you cross a Beatle and an Australian dog? Dingo Starr!
  • What do you get if you cross a Rolls Royce with a vampire? A monster that attacks expensive cars and sucks out their gas tanks.
  • What do you get if you cross a Rottweiller and a hyena? I don't know but I'll join in if it laughs!
  • What do you get if you cross a baby with soldiers? Infantry!
  • What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food? Snakes and Larders! sna
  • What do you get if you cross a bee with a door bell? A hum dinger!
  • What do you get if you cross a bee with a parrot? An animal that's always telling you how busy it is!
  • What do you get if you cross a bee with a quarter of a pound of ground beef? A humburger.
  • What do you get if you cross a bike and a rose? Bicycle petals!
  • What do you get if you cross a bird with a monstrous snarl? A budgerigrrrrr!
  • What do you get if you cross a bottle of water with an electric eel? A bit of a shock really!
  • What do you get if you cross a bunch of flowers with a burglar? Robbery with violets!
  • What do you get if you cross a cat and a gorilla? An animal that puts you out a night!
  • What do you get if you cross a cat with Father Christmas? Santa Claws!
  • What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar? A sourpuss!
  • What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
  • What do you get if you cross a cat with a tree? A cat-a-logue!
  • What do you get if you cross a centipede and a chicken? Enough drumsticks to feed an army!
  • What do you get if you cross a chemical and a bicycle? Bike carbonate of soda!
  • What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer? A brick-layer!
  • What do you get if you cross a computer and a Rottweiller? A computer with a lot of bites!
  • What do you get if you cross a computer with a ballet dancer? The Netcracker suite.
  • What do you get if you cross a computer with a hamburger? A big mac.
  • What do you get if you cross a constable with a computer? PC Plod.
  • What do you get if you cross a cow with a spaniel, a poodle, and a rooster? A cockerpoodlemoo!
  • What do you get if you cross a cow with a tension headache? A bad mood!
  • What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus? A cow that can milk itself!
  • What do you get if you cross a cow, a french fry, and a sofa? A cowch potato!
  • What do you get if you cross a dog and a cheetah? A dog that chases cars - and catches them!
  • What do you get if you cross a dog and a film studio? Collie-wood!
  • What do you get if you cross a dog and a sheep? A sheep that can round itself up!
  • What do you get if you cross a dog with Concorde? A jet setter!
  • What do you get if you cross a dog with a blind mole? A dog that keeps barking up the wrong tree!
  • What do you get if you cross a dog with a frog? A dog that can lick you from the other side of the road!
  • What do you get if you cross a dog with a kangaroo? A dog that has somewhere to put its own lead!
  • What do you get if you cross a duck with a firework? A firequaker!
  • What do you get if you cross a firefly and a moth? An insect who can find its way around a dark wardrobe!
  • What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog? A croaker spaniel!
  • What do you get if you cross a frog with a decathlete? Someone who pole-vaults without a pole.
  • What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry? A hoppercraft!
  • What do you get if you cross a ghost and a newsreader? A spooksman!
  • What do you get if you cross a giant ship with the Internet? The Site-anic.
  • What do you get if you cross a giant, hairy monster with a penguin? I don't know but it's a very tightfitting tuxedo.
  • What do you get if you cross a giraffe with a dog? An animal that barks at low flying aircraft!
  • What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer? Light ale!
  • What do you get if you cross a glow-worm with a python? A twenty-foot-long strip-light that can squeeze you to death.
  • What do you get if you cross a gorilla and a prisoner? A Kong - vict!
  • What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp? A bear faced lyre!
  • What do you get if you cross a hairdresser and a bucket of cement? Permanent waves!
  • What do you get if you cross a hairdresser with a werewolf? A monster with an all-over perm.
  • What do you get if you cross a hedgehog with a giraffe? A long necked toothbrush!
  • What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie? Puff pastry!
  • What do you get if you cross a labrador and a tortoise? A dog that will run to the shop to get your paper and bring back last weeks paper!
  • What do you get if you cross a longhorn with a knight? Sir Loin!
  • What do you get if you cross a monster with a flea? Lots of very worried dogs.
  • What do you get if you cross a moth with a firefly? An insect that can find its way around a dark closet.
  • What do you get if you cross a mountain and a baby? A cry for Alp!
  • What do you get if you cross a newsreader and a toad? A croaksman!
  • What do you get if you cross a nun and a chicken? A pecking order.
  • What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede? A great walkie-talkie!
  • What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark? A bird that will talk you ear off!
  • What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker? A bird that talks in morse code!
  • What do you get if you cross a phone with a birthday celebration? A party line!
  • What do you get if you cross a phone with a mouthwash? Tele-Scope.
  • What do you get if you cross a phone with a rooster? A wake-up call!
  • What do you get if you cross a pig and a telephone? A lot of crackling on the line!
  • What do you get if you cross a plum with a man eating monster? A purple people eater.
  • What do you get if you cross a rabbit and a flea? Bugs Bunny!
  • What do you get if you cross a radio music presenter with Match of the Day? DDDDDDDDDDDDDJ!
  • What do you get if you cross a salmon, a bird's leg and a hand? Birdsthigh fish fingers!
  • What do you get if you cross a sheep with a holiday resort? The Baaahaaamaaas!
  • What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a jelly? The collie wobbles!
  • What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!
  • What do you get if you cross a skunk and a balloon? A creature that stinks to high heaven!
  • What do you get if you cross a skunk and a boomerang? A smell that keeps coming back!
  • What do you get if you cross a skunk and a cartoon penguin? Pingu-Pong!
  • What do you get if you cross a skunk and a dinosaur? A stinkasaurus!
  • What do you get if you cross a skunk and a wasp? Something that stinks and stings!
  • What do you get if you cross a skunk and an owl? A bird that stinks but doesn't give a hoot!
  • What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear? Winnie the Pooh!
  • What do you get if you cross a snake and a hotdog? A fangfurter! sna
  • What do you get if you cross a snake and a lego set? A boa constructor!
  • What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig? A boar constrictor!
  • What do you get if you cross a snake with a hotdog? A fangfurther.
  • What do you get if you cross a sorceress with a millionaire? A very witch person.
  • What do you get if you cross a sports reporter with a vegetable? A common tater!
  • What do you get if you cross a steer and a chicken? Roost beef!
  • What do you get if you cross a student and an alien? Something from another universe -ity!
  • What do you get if you cross a tall green monster with a fountain pen? The Ink-credible Hulk.
  • What do you get if you cross a tarantula with a rose? I'm not sure, but I wouldn't try smelling it!
  • What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig? A teddy boar!
  • What do you get if you cross a telephone and a marriage bureau? A wedding ring!
  • What do you get if you cross a telephone with a fat football player? A wide receiver.
  • What do you get if you cross a telephone with a hunting dog? A golden receiver!
  • What do you get if you cross a telephone with a night crawler? Ringworm!
  • What do you get if you cross a telephone with an iron? A smooth operator!
  • What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangeroo? A stripey jumper!
  • What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep? A stripey sweater!
  • What do you get if you cross a toilet with a pop singer? Loo-Loo!
  • What do you get if you cross a trout with an apartment? A flat fish!
  • What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent? A snake in the brass!
  • What do you get if you cross a vampire and a circus entertainer? Something that goes straight for the juggler!
  • What do you get if you cross a vampire and a mummy? Something you wouldn't want to unwrap!
  • What do you get if you cross a vampire with a snail? I don't know but it would slow him down.
  • What do you get if you cross a wireless with a hairdresser? Radio waves!
  • What do you get if you cross a woodpecker with a carrier pigeon? A bird who knocks before delivering its message!
  • What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid!
  • What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant? Very big worm holes in your garden!
  • What do you get if you cross a zebra with an ape man? Tarzan stripes forever.
  • What do you get if you cross an Egyptian mummy with a car mechanic? Toot and Car Man.
  • What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout? Monkfish!
  • What do you get if you cross an alien and a hot drink? Gravi-tea!
  • What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? A pineapple!
  • What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple!
  • What do you get if you cross an eagle with a skunk? A bird that stinks to high heaven.
  • What do you get if you cross an eel with a shopper? A slippery customer.
  • What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo? Big holes all over Australia!
  • What do you get if you cross an elephant with the Internet? I don't know, but it's e-nourmous.
  • What do you get if you cross an elephant with the abominable snowman? A jumbo yeti.
  • What do you get if you cross an insect and a dance? A cricket ball!
  • What do you get if you cross pigs with a lot of grapes? A swine gut!
  • What do you get if you cross some ants with some tics? All sorts of antics!
  • What do you get if you cross teeth with candy? Dental floss!
  • What do you get if you cross the Internet with a currant bread? Spotted click
  • What do you get if you cross the Lone Ranger with an insect? The Masked-quito!
  • What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell? Addercadabra and abradacobra!
  • What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell? Addercadabra and abradacobra.
  • What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? Crisp Cringle.
  • What do you get if you drop a piano on a team's defence? A flat back four!
  • What do you get if you have strep throat on Friday? Saturday Night Fever.
  • What do you get if you pour boiling water down rabbit holes? Hot, cross bunnies!
  • What do you get if you stuff your computer's disk drive with herbs? A thyme machine.
  • What do you get if you take a really big dog out for a walk? A Great Dane out!
  • What do you get if you take your computer to an ice rink? A slipped disk.
  • What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk? Dirty looks from the mouse!
  • What do you get if you type www. abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz. com into your computer? A sore finger.
  • What do you get if your budgie flies into the blender? Shredded Tweet!
  • What do you get is you cross a ghost with a packet of potato chips? Snacks that go crunch in the night.
  • What do you get it you cross a porcupine with a giraffe? A long necked toothbrush.
  • What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An eggroll!
  • What do you get when a cow goes to the Beach with tanning oil? Pre-tanned leather.
  • What do you get when you add 2 apples to 3 apples? A senior high school math problem.
  • What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo.
  • What do you get when you cross Holy Water with castor oil? A religious movement!
  • What do you get when you cross a Cuban and a Pollock? Ricky Retardo
  • What do you get when you cross a Doberman with a bird? A Doberman fincher!
  • What do you get when you cross a Jehova's witness with a business man? A door to door salesman!
  • What do you get when you cross a Texas Aggie with an ape? A retarded ape.
  • What do you get when you cross a bell with a bee? A humdinger.
  • What do you get when you cross a bumble bee with a rabbit? A honey bunny.
  • What do you get when you cross a bunny with a leek? A bunion.
  • What do you get when you cross a bunny with a spider? A harenet.
  • What do you get when you cross a bunny with an orange? A pip squeak.
  • What do you get when you cross a chicken with a duck? A bird that lays down!
  • What do you get when you cross a collie with a trumpet? A Lassie who plays brassie!
  • What do you get when you cross a cow with a kangaroo? A kangamoo!
  • What do you get when you cross a frog and a rabbit? A rabbit that says, Ribbit.
  • What do you get when you cross a pig with a billy goat? A crashing bore.
  • What do you get when you cross a pig with an elephant? A very large animal that knows a lot of jokes.
  • What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a boy scout? A boyscout who helps little old ladies hop across the street.
  • What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a millionaire? A bunny with money.
  • What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An elephant who never forgets to eat his carrots.
  • What do you get when you cross a rabbit with strawberry soda? A berry bubbly bunny.
  • What do you get when you cross a sled dog with an elephant? A tusky!
  • What do you get when you cross a telephone with a pair of pants? Bell-bottoms!
  • What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster? A cock that stays up all night.
  • What do you get when you cross an idiot with a watch? A cuckoo clock.
  • What do you get when you have 32 Arkansasians in the same room? .... A full set of teeth.
  • What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
  • What do you get when you put a car and a pet together? Carpet!
  • What do you give a deer with an upset stomach? Elkaseltzer.
  • What do you give a nine-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday? I don't know, but you'd better hope he likes it!
  • What do you give a sick bird? Tweetment!
  • What do you give a sick horse? Cough stirrup.
  • What do you give a sick pig? Oinkment!
  • What do you give a sick snake? Asp-rin!
  • What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
  • What do you give an elephant with big feet? Plenty of room!
  • What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month? The letter D!
  • What do you have to know to be a real estate salesman? Lots.
  • What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand.
  • What do you know when you see three rabbits walking down the street wearing tuxedos and top hats? You know you need a psychiatrist!
  • What do you mean we can't shoot them, its tourist season isn't it?
  • What do you put in a www.ashing machine? Net curtains!
  • What do you say if you meet a toad? Wart's new!
  • What do you say if you meet a toad? Wart's new?
  • What do you say to a hitchhiking frog? Hop in!
  • What do you say to a naked pig? I never sausage a body.
  • What do you say to a one legged hitch-hiker? Hop in.
  • What do you think of Dracula films? Fangtastic!
  • What do you use to cut the ocean? A seasaw
  • What do you use to determine if a refrigerated burger is cold enough? A thermomeater!
  • What do young female monsters do at parties? They go around looking for edible bachelors!
  • What do young ghosts call their parents? Deady and Mummy.
  • What do young ghosts write their homework in? Exorcise books.
  • What does CPA stand for? Can't Produce Anything
  • What does Dracula say to his victims? It's been nice gnawing you.
  • What does Dracula say when you tell him a new fact? Well, fangcy that!
  • What does Dracula write on his Christmas cards? Best vicious of the season
  • What does FCPA stand for? Finally Caught Pinching the Assets
  • What does Father Christmas call his money? Iced lolly?
  • What does Father Christmas call that reindeer with no eyes? No-eyed-deer!
  • What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Santa Claustrophobia!
  • What does Frankenstein's monster call a screwdriver? Daddy.
  • What does Mrs Dracula say to Mr Dracula when he leaves for work in the evening? Have a nice bite!
  • What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas? Ince pies!
  • What does Santa say when he is sick? OH OH NO!
  • What does a Chihuahua play basketball with? A tennis ball!
  • What does a Chinese restaurant serve for Easter? Coloured eggrolls!
  • What does a Gorilla attorney study? The Law of the jungle!
  • What does a Gorilla learn first in school? The Apey-cees!
  • What does a baby computer call his father? Data.
  • What does a bald elephant wear for a toupee? A sheep.
  • What does a basketball player do before he blows out his candles? He makes a swish!
  • What does a bee get at McDonalds? A humburger!
  • What does a bee say before it stings you? This is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you!
  • What does a bunny use when it goes fishing? A harenet.
  • What does a cannibal call a skateboarder? Meals on wheels.
  • What does a cannibal eat with cheese? Pickled organs.
  • What does a carpet salesman give his wife for Valentine's Day? Rugs and kisses!
  • What does a cat call a bowl of mice? A purrfect meal!
  • What does a cat go to sleep on? A caterpillow!
  • What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
  • What does a caterpillar do on New Years Day? Turns over a new leaf!
  • What does a clam do on his birthday? He shellabrates!
  • What does a cow like to do by a campfire? Roast Moosmallows!
  • What does a cow ride when his car is broken? A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle!
  • What does a dentist do on a roller coaster? . . . He braces himself
  • What does a footballer and a magician have in common? Both do hat tricks!
  • What does a frog say when it washes car windows? Rub it, rub it, rub it.
  • What does a man consider to be a seven course meal? A hot dog and a six pack.
  • What does a man who loves his car do on February 14? He gives it a valenshine!
  • What does a monster do when he loses his head? He calls a head hunter.
  • What does a monster mom say to her kids at dinnertime? Don't talk with someone in your mouth.
  • What does a pig use to write his term papers with? Pen and Oink!
  • What does a polite monster say when he meets you for the first time? Pleased to eat you!
  • What does a queen bee do when she burps? Issues a royal pardon!
  • What does a snowman eat for dinner? Ice-burgers.
  • What does a spider do when he gets angry? He goes up the wall!
  • What does a squid sheriff form? An octoposse!
  • What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
  • What does a vampire stand on after taking a shower? A bat mat.
  • What does a vampire take for a cold? Coffin syrup!
  • What does a witch do if her broom is stolen? She calls the flying squad!
  • What does a witch enjoy cooking most? Gnomelettes.
  • What does a witch get if she's a poor traveler? Broom sick.
  • What does an Australian witch ride on? A broomerang!
  • What does an aardvark get when he overeats? Ant-digestion!
  • What does an aardvark keep in his aquarium? An aard-shark!
  • What does an aardvark take for ant-digestion? Anta-Seltzer!
  • What does an aardvark use when he has a cold? An ant-ihistamine!
  • What does an accountant use for birth control? His personality.
  • What does an astronaut do when he gets angry? He blasts off:
  • What does an atheist do when he is behind a car with a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker that doesn't move when the light turns green?
  • What does an educated owl say? Whom.
  • What does an envelope say when you lick it? Nothing. It just shuts up.
  • What does an octopus take on a camping trip? Tentacles!
  • What does an octopus wear on a cold day? A coat of arms!
  • What does ever horse and rider do at the same time? Grow old!
  • What does it mean if you find a horse shoe? Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.
  • What does it mean to come home to a man who'll give you some love and tenderness? You're in the wrong house.
  • What does it mean when an accountant is drooling out of both sides of his mouth? His desk is level
  • What does the 1286BC incribed on the mummy's tomb indicate? The registration of the car that ran him over!
  • What does the N on the Nebraska football helmet stand for? Nowledge.
  • What does the aardvark call his dog? Aard-bark!
  • What does the aardvark take sailing? An aard ark!
  • What does the bee Santa Claus say? Ho hum hum!
  • What does the dentist of the year get? . . . A little plaque.
  • What does the hungry monster get after he's eaten too much ice cream? More ice cream!
  • What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food? 'Let us prey. '
  • What doesn't get any wetter no matter how much it rains? The ocean
  • What dog always gets on everyone's nerves? A great pane!
  • What dog can tell the time? A watch dog!
  • What dog do other dogs go to when they are sick? A docs-hund!
  • What dog do other dogs tell their problems to? A complaint Bernard!
  • What dog has money? A bloodhound, because he is always picking up scents (cents).
  • What dog is a cousin to the Dalmatian? A spot-weiler!
  • What dog is always tired in London? An English sleep dog.
  • What dog loves to take bubble baths? A shampoodle!
  • What dog rides a horse named Macaroni? Yankee poodle!
  • What dog sweats the most and drinks the most water? A hot-weiler!
  • What dog takes the money and runs fast! A payhound!
  • What dog wears a white coat and does science experiments? Labs!
  • What dog wears contact lenses? A cock-eyed spaniel!
  • What dog would you want on your American football team? A golden receiver!
  • What dogs are best for sending telegrams? Wire haired terriers! !
  • What dogs never get lost? Newfound-lands!
  • What driver doesn't have a license? A screw driver.
  • What duo were famous for stealing horses? Bonnie and Clydesdale!
  • What equine likes to cut in line? A sawhorse!
  • What exactly is "Unsweetened" iced Tea? Did they take the sugar back out? (W. Lanza)
  • What excuse does an Ape give for abducting a pretty girl? I can't help it - she brings out the beast in me!
  • What famous chiropodist ruled England? William the Corn-cutter!
  • What famous movie did the hamburger meat think of when they took it out of the freezer? They Fry Who Cam in from the Cold!
  • What famous painting do cows love to look at? The Moona Lisa!
  • What famous pig actor made a movie about Frankenswine? Boaris Karloff.
  • What fish do road-menders use? Pneumatic krill!
  • What fish goes up the river at 100mph? A motor pike!
  • What fish is best to have in a boat? A Sailfish.
  • What fish make the best sandwich? A peanut butter and jellyfish
  • What fish only swims at night? A starfish!
  • What fish sounds like a telephone? Herring, herring. . . herring, herring. . . herring, herring.
  • What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head? A tiger moth!
  • What flies through the jungle singing opera? The parrots of Penzance!
  • What followed the dinosaur? It's tail!
  • What food are you able to can? Cannibal (can able) food.
  • What food is good for the brain? Noodle soup.
  • What game did the dentist play when she was a child? . . . Caps and robbers
  • What game do 18 dogs like to play during the summer? Woofleball
  • What game do little cows like to play? Moonopoly.
  • What game do reindeer play in their stalls? Stable-tennis!
  • What game do tornadoes like to play? -Twister
  • What game do you play if you don't take care of your teeth? Tooth (truth) or Consequences.
  • What gas do snails prefer? Shell.
  • What geometric figure is like a runaway parrot? A polygon .
  • What ghost is handy in the kitchen? A recipe spook.
  • What girl's name is like a letter? Kay (K).
  • What gives a gorilla good taste? Four years in an Ivy League school!
  • What gives milk and has a horn? A milk tank!
  • What goes 'peck, bang, peck, bang, peck, bang'? A bunch of chickens in a field full of balloons!
  • What goes 99-clonk, 99-clonk, 99-clonk? A centipede with a wooden leg!
  • What goes Blonde, Brunette, Blonde, Brunette? A blonde doing cartwheels.
  • What goes Clip? A one legged horse!
  • What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
  • What goes cackle, cackle, boom? A witch in a minefield.
  • What goes cackle, cackle, squelch, squelch? A witch in soggy trainers.
  • What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!
  • What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak? Morse toad!
  • What goes eek, eek, bang? A mouse in a minefield!
  • What goes hum-choo, hum choo? A bee with a cold!
  • What goes into the mouth of a quarter horse? Two bits!
  • What goes knio, knio? A backward pig.
  • What goes oo ooo oooo? A cow with no lips.
  • What goes round the middle of the Internet? The e-quator.
  • What goes snap, crackle and pop? A firefly with a short circuit!
  • What goes up slowly and comes down quickly? An elephant in a lift!
  • What goes zzub, zzub? A bee flying backwards!
  • What great song is associated with hamburgers and baseball? 'Steak Me Out to the Ballgame'!
  • What grey, has a wand, huge wings and gives money to elephants? The tusk fairy!
  • What grows on the World Wide Web and stings? Internettles.
  • What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
  • What hair style is a calf's favorite? The cowlick!
  • What happened at the cannibal's wedding party? They toasted the bride and groom.
  • What happened to Frankenstein's monster on the road? He was stopped for speeding, fined $50 and dismantled for six months.
  • What happened to Frankenstein's stupid son? He had so much wax in his ears that he became a permanent contributor to Madame Tussaud's.
  • What happened to Lady Godiva's horse when he saw she had no clothes on? It made him shy!
  • What happened to Ray when he met the man-eating monster? He became an ex-Ray.
  • What happened to the cannibal lion? He had to swallow his pride!
  • What happened to the cannibal lion? He had to swallow his pride.
  • What happened to the chicken whose feathers were all pointing the wrong way? She was tickled to death!
  • What happened to the cold jellyfish? It set!
  • What happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic? His bark was much worse than it's bite!
  • What happened to the dog that fell into a lens-grinding machine? He made a spectacle of himself.
  • What happened to the entertainer who did a show for the cannibals? He went down really well!
  • What happened to the ghost who went to a party? He had a wail of a time.
  • What happened to the girl who wore a mouse costume to her Halloween party? The cat ate her.
  • What happened to the horse that swallowed a dollar bill? It bucked!
  • What happened to the little frog who sat on the telephone? He grew up to be a bellhop!
  • What happened to the lizard in the wizard's garden pond? He had him newt-ered.
  • What happened to the lost cattle? Nobody's herd.
  • What happened to the man who owned a riding academy? Business kept falling off!
  • What happened to the man who put his false teeth in backwards? He ate himself!
  • What happened to the man who tried to cross a lioin with a goat? He had to get a new goat!
  • What happened to the man who turned into an insect? He just beetled off!
  • What happened to the naughty little witch at school? She was ex-spelled.
  • What happened to the skunk who failed his swimming lesson? He stank to the bottom of the pool!
  • What happened to the tiger who took a bath three times a day? After a week he was spotless!
  • What happened to the two mad vampires? They both went a little batty.
  • What happened to the witch with an upside down nose? Every time she sneezed her hat blew off.
  • What happened to the wizard who ran away with the circus? The police made him bring it back again.
  • What happened when Dr Frankenstein swallowed some uranium? He got atomic ache.
  • What happened when Dumbo went to a mindrreader? They gave him his money back.
  • What happened when King Kong swallowed Big Ben? He found time-consuming.
  • What happened when a cannibal went on a self-catering holiday? He ate himself.
  • What happened when a deadly rattle snake bit a witch? He died in agony!
  • What happened when a frog joined the cricket team? He bowled long hops!
  • What happened when a ghost asked for a brandy at his local pub? The landlord said Sorry, we don't serve spirits.
  • What happened when a man fell in love with a grand piano? He said, Darling, you've got lovely teeth.
  • What happened when the Ape won the door prize? He didn't take it - he already had a door!
  • What happened when the Easter Bunny caught his head in the fan? It took ears off his life!
  • What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after!
  • What happened when the barman died? The police held an inn-quest
  • What happened when the cannibal ate the speaking clock? It repeated on him.
  • What happened when the cannibal bit off a missionary's ear? He had his first taste of Christianity!
  • What happened when the cannibal crossed the Atlantic on the QE2? He told the waiter to take the menu away and bring him the passenger list!
  • What happened when the cannibal got a religion? He only ate Catholics on Fridays!
  • What happened when the cannibals ate a comedian? They had a feast of fun.
  • What happened when the cat ate a ball of wool? She had mittens!
  • What happened when the cat swallowed a coin? There was money in the kitty.
  • What happened when the chef found a daddy long legs in the salad? It became a daddy short legs!
  • What happened when the chicken ate cement? She laid a sidewalk!
  • What happened when the computer fell on the floor? It slipped a disk.
  • What happened when the dog went to the flea circus? He stole the show!
  • What happened when the girl dressed as a spoon left the Halloween party? No one moved. They couldn't stir without her.
  • What happened when the icicle landed on the sowmman's head? It knocked him cold.
  • What happened when the lion ate the comedian? He felt funny!
  • What happened when the monster kissed his one true love? He left lip prints on the mirror!
  • What happened when the monster stole a bottle of perfume? He was convicted of fragrancy.
  • What happened when the owl lost his voice? He didn't give a hoot!
  • What happened when the schoool bully went netsurfing? The goalkeeper kicked him out of the football ground.
  • What happened when the shaggy dog swallowed a teaspoon? He wasn't able to stir.
  • What happened when the witch went for a job as a TV presenter? The producer said she had the perfect face for radio.
  • What happens if a big hairy monster sits in front of you at the movie theater? You miss most of the film.
  • What happens if an axe falls on your car? You have an ax-i-dent (accident).
  • What happens if you cross a parrot with a Gorilla? Nobody is sure, but if it opened its mouth to speak, you'd listen!
  • What happens if you cross an Ape with an octopus? You get a fur coat with lots of sleeves!
  • What happens if you draw on the blackboard and the teacher told you not to? She draws a smack!
  • What happens if you eat a hot frog? You'll croak in no time!
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • What happens if you play tabletennis with a bad egg? First it goes ping, then it goes pong.
  • What happens if you put the Energizer Bunny's batteries in backwards? He keeps coming and coming and coming. . .
  • What happens if you see twin witches? You won't be able to tell witch witch is witch.
  • What happens if you tell a psychiatrist you are schizophrenic? He charges you double.
  • What happens if you upset a cannibal? You get into hot water.
  • What happens to a dog that keeps eating bits off of the table? He gets splinters in his mouth!
  • What happens to you at Christmas? Yule be happy!
  • What happens when a cow stops shaving? It grows a Moostache.
  • What happens when a frog's car breaks down? It gets toad away. .
  • What happens when a hen eats gunpowder? She lays hand gren-eggs!
  • What happens when business is slow at a medicine factory? You can hear a cough drop.
  • What happens when ducks fly upside down? They quack up!
  • What happens when geese land in a volcano? They cook their own gooses!
  • What happens when none of your bees wax?
  • What happens when sharks take their clothes off? They go sharkers!
  • What happens when the cows refuse to be milked? Udder chaos!
  • What happens when the fog lifts in California? UCLA.
  • What happens when two burgers fall in love? They live together in holy meatrimony!
  • What happens when you drop a hand gren-egg? It eggs-plodes!
  • What happens when you throw one banana to two hungry Apes? A banana split!
  • What has 2, 000 eyes and 4, 000 feet? A thousand dogs.
  • What has 200 legs, 50 noses, and is very loud? A herd of stampeding aardvarks!
  • What has 3 tails, 4 trunks and 6 feet? An elephant with spare parts! el
  • What has 50 legs but cant walk? Half a centipede!
  • What has 6 legs, bits and talks in code? A morese-quito!
  • What has antlers and sucks blood? A moose-quito!
  • What has big ears, brings Easter treats, and goes hippity-BOOM, hippity-BOOM, hippity-BOOM? The Easter Elephant.
  • What has eight legs and an IQ of forty? Four guys watching a baseball game.
  • What has eighteen legs and fetches a ball? The Philadelphia Beagles!
  • What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull!
  • What has four legs and goes, Oom! Oom! ? A cow walking backwards!
  • What has four legs and see just as well from either end? A horse with his eyes closed!
  • What has four legs, a tail, whiskers and flies? A dead cat.
  • What has four wheels and flies? A rubbish bin!
  • What has handles and flies? A witch in a garbage can.
  • What has long ears, four legs, and is worn on your head? An Easter bunnet!
  • What has long ears, hops and likes websurfing? The e-aster bunny.
  • What has six legs, two arms, four eyes and a tail? A man holding an aardvark.
  • What has teeth but no mouth? A comb or a saw.
  • What has webbed feet and fangs? Count Quackula.
  • What has wings, a long tail, and wears a bow? A birthday pheasant!
  • What have 12 legs, six eyes, three tails and can't see? Three blind mice!
  • What have I got in my hands? A double decker bus! You looked!
  • What have men and spray paint in common? One squeeze and they're all over you.
  • What have you done wrong if your wife walks into the living room and slaps you. .... You have left the chain too long.
  • What helps keep your teeth together? Toothpaste.
  • What hired killer never goes to jail? The exterminator.
  • What if Noah had gotten drunk while he was on the ark and said, "HEY! Throw the animals overboard--bring the fish up here!"
  • What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about?
  • What if the whole world FARTED at the same time?
  • What if, on the first day of creation, God had goofed and said 'Let there be Heat?'
  • What insect can be spelled with just one letter? Bee.
  • What insect lives on nothing? A moth, because it eats holes
  • What insect lives on nothing? A moth, because it eats holes.
  • What insect runs away from everything? A flee!
  • What instrument do piggys play in a band? Pigcussion!
  • What is Chuck Norris' best karate move? Pork Chop!
  • What is Dracula's favorite fruit? Neck-tarines.
  • What is Dracula's favorite pudding? Leeches and scream.
  • What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
  • What is a Chihuahua's favorite sport? Miniature golf!
  • What is a Furman freshman doing when he grasps at thin air? Collecting his thoughts.
  • What is a Mexican weather report? Chilli today, hot tamale.
  • What is a baby bee? A little humbug!
  • What is a baby bee? A little humbug.
  • What is a baby elephant after he is five weeks old? Six weeks old!
  • What is a baby: A soft pink thing that makes a lot of noise at one end and has no sense of responsibility at the other.
  • What is a banged-up used car? A car in first-crash condition.
  • What is a baseball dog? One that chases fowls.
  • What is a bear's favourite drink? Koka-Koala!
  • What is a bee's favourite classical music composer? Bee-thoven!
  • What is a black cat's favourite TV show? Miami Mice!
  • What is a buttress? A female goat.
  • What is a cannibal's favorite food? Baked Beings.
  • What is a chameleon's motto? A change is as good as a rest!
  • What is a childs's favourite type of Halloween candy? Lots a candy.
  • What is a collie puppy's favorite toy? A chew-chew train!
  • What is a computer virus? A terminal illness.
  • What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna
  • What is a cow's favourite TV show? Dr Moo!
  • What is a dentist's office? A filling station.
  • What is a dog who crosses the street twice in an hour? A double crosser.
  • What is a dog's favourite Easter treat? Jelly bones!
  • What is a dog's favourite food? Anything that is on your plate!
  • What is a dog's favourite sport? Formula 1 drooling!
  • What is a dogs favourite flower? Anything in your garden!
  • What is a dolphin's favorite TV show? Whale of fortune!
  • What is a double-blind study? Two orthopaedists reading an electrocardiogram.
  • What is a drill team? A group of dentists who work together.
  • What is a duck's favorite TV show? The feather forecast!
  • What is a duck's favorite dance? The quackstep!
  • What is a flea's favourite book? The itch-hikers guide to the galaxy!
  • What is a frog's favorite dance? The Lindy Hop.
  • What is a ghost boxer called? A phantomweight.
  • What is a ghost favorite fruit? Boonanaa!
  • What is a ghost's favorite Wild West town? Tombstone.
  • What is a ghost-proof bicycle? One with no spooks in it.
  • What is a goal keepers favourite snack? Beans on post!
  • What is a hamburger's favourite story? Hansel and Gristle!
  • What is a horse's favourite sport? Stable tennis!
  • What is a horses favourite TV show? Neeeebours
  • What is a horses favourite kind of party? A stall ball.
  • What is a hurricane's favorite pet? -Anywhere from 1 to 5 cats
  • What is a jockey's motto? Put your money where your mount is!
  • What is a knight's favourite fish? A swordfish!
  • What is a monster's favourite drink? Demonade.
  • What is a monster's favourite society? The Consumers' Association.
  • What is a moo hoo for a cow fight? A cattle battle!
  • What is a moo hoo for a cow that fell into the thresher? Ground round!
  • What is a moo hoo for a delightful ranch owner? A charmer farmer!
  • What is a moo hoo for a sheepish steer? A woolly bully!
  • What is a moo hoo for steak that came late? Filet delay!
  • What is a moo hoo for the bucket that goes at the back end of the cow? A tail pail!
  • What is a mosquito's favourite sport? Skin-diving!
  • What is a mouse's favorite record? 'Please cheese me'!
  • What is a mouse's favourite game? Hide and squeak!
  • What is a parrot's favorite game? Hide and Speak!
  • What is a parrot? A wordy birdy!
  • What is a pigs favourite ballet? Swine Lake!
  • What is a polygon? A dead parrot!
  • What is a runner's favourite subject in school? Jog-raphy!
  • What is a snakes favourite opera? Wriggletto!
  • What is a snowman's favorite book? War and Frozen Peas!
  • What is a spiders favourite TV show? The newly web game!
  • What is a thespian pony? A little horse play!
  • What is a tornado? Mother nature doing the twist!
  • What is a twip? A twip is what a wabbit takes when he wides a twain.
  • What is a vampire's favorite sport? Batminton.
  • What is a vampire's favourite soup? Scream of mushroom!
  • What is a whale's favorite TV show? Flukes of Hazard!
  • What is a witch's favourite TV show? Lifestyles of the Witch and Famous!
  • What is an Actor? A man who tries to be everything but himself
  • What is an archaeologist? Someone who's career is in ruins!
  • What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard? The space bar.
  • What is an astronomer? A night watchman with a college education.
  • What is an autobiography? The life story of an automobile.
  • What is an autograph? A chart which shows car sales.
  • What is an elephants favourite film? Elephantasia
  • What is an elf's favourite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
  • What is an octopus? An eight-sided cat.
  • What is another way to describe a cat? A heat seeking missile!
  • What is another word for a python? A mega-bite!
  • What is as big as King Kong but doesn't weigh anything? King Kong's shadow.
  • What is big hairy and can fly? King Kongcorde!
  • What is big, hairy and can fly faster than sound? King Koncord.
  • What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.
  • What is black and white and black and white and black and white? A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill!
  • What is black and white and red all over? A Chihuahua in a tuxedo that tripped into a jar of salsa!
  • What is black and white and red all over? A Dalmatian with a bad sunburn.
  • What is black and yellow and buzzes along at 30, 000 feet? A bee is an aeroplane!
  • What is brown and gray, has eight legs, and is carrying a large trunk and a small trunk? A Chihuahua on vacation with an elephant.
  • What is cleverer than a talking cat? A spelling bee!
  • What is defference between man and Superman? Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser.
  • What is dry on the outside, filled with water and blows up buildings? A fish tank!
  • What is even bigger than an elephant? A giant!
  • What is every blonde's ambition in life? To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
  • What is evil and ugly and goes at 125 mph? A witch in a high speed train.
  • What is green and pecks on trees? Woody Wood Pickle!
  • What is green and smells? The Hulk's farts.
  • What is green, sooty and whistles when it rubs its back legs together? Chimney Cricket!
  • What is grey and hairy and lives on a man's face? A mousetache.
  • What is hail? Hard boiled rain!
  • What is horse sense? Stable thinking and the ability to say nay!
  • What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual harassment.
  • What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $3. 99 a minute.
  • What is life like for a wood worm? Boring!
  • What is listed as the hair colour on a drivers license of a bald headed man?
  • What is long and yellow and always points north? A magnetic banana.
  • What is musical and handy in the supermarket. A Chopin Lizst.
  • What is old and ugly and can see just as well from both ends? A witch with a blindfold!
  • What is posthumous work? Something written by someone after they are dead!
  • What is red and dangerous? Strawberry and tarantula jelly!
  • What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
  • What is slimy and wobbly, tastes of raspberry and lives in the seas? A red jellyfish.
  • What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights? A mouseketeer!
  • What is small, furry and smells like bacon? A hamster!
  • What is small, furry and smells like bacon? A hamster.
  • What is smaller than an ant's dinner? An ant's mouth!
  • What is stronger an elephant or a snail? A snail, because it carries it's house, an elephant just carries its trunk!
  • What is taller when it sits down than when it stands up? A dog.
  • What is the American national day for vampires? Fangsgiving Day.
  • What is the Ape monster's name? Godzilla Gorilla!
  • What is the Cuban national anthem? 'Row Your Boat! '
  • What is the Easter Bunny's favourite kind of story? A cotton tale!
  • What is the Easter Bunny's favourite sport? Basket-ball, of course!
  • What is the Easter Bunny's favourite state capital? Albunny, New York!
  • What is the bank manager's favourite type of football? Fiver side!
  • What is the bees favourite film? The Sting!
  • What is the best advice to give a worm? Sleep late.
  • What is the best kind of dog to ask for directions? A Chihuahua, because it knows all the shortcuts!
  • What is the best kind of dog to direct traffic at a busy intersection? A pointer!
  • What is the best thing to take when you're run over? The number of the car that hit you.
  • What is the best type of story to tell a runaway horse? A tale of whoa!
  • What is the best way of stopping infection from witch bites? Don't bite any witches!
  • What is the best way to follow a lost dog's paw prints? With a track-tor!
  • What is the best way to hunt bear? With your clothes off
  • What is the best way to hunt bear? With your clothes off.
  • What is the best way to send a letter to the Easter Bunny? By hare (air) mail.
  • What is the best way to talk to a vampire? By long distance.
  • What is the biggest ant in the world? An elephant!
  • What is the cannibals' favorite game? Swallow my Leader.
  • What is the cat's favourite TV show? The evening mews!
  • What is the cow's holiday greeting? Mooooory Christmas!
  • What is the definition of 'making love'? Something a woman does while a guy is f***ing her.
  • What is the definition of Robin? A bird who steals!
  • What is the definition of a caterpillar? A worm in a fur coat!
  • What is the definition of a goose? An animal that grows down as it grows up!
  • What is the definition of derange? De place where de cowboys ride!
  • What is the definition of moon? The past tense of moo!
  • What is the difference between Father Christmas and a warm dog? Father Christmas wears a whole suit, a dog just pants!
  • What is the difference between a banana and a bell? You can only peel (peal) the banana once.
  • What is the difference between a barking dog and an umbrella? The umbrella can be shut up.
  • What is the difference between a blind man and a sailor in prison? One can't see to go, the other can't go to sea.
  • What is the difference between a bus driver and a cold? One knows the stops, the other stops the nose.
  • What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote? One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny!
  • What is the difference between a dancer and a duck? One goes quick on her beautiful legs, the other goes quack on her beautiful legs.
  • What is the difference between a dog and a mailbox? If you don't know you must lose a lot of mail.
  • What is the difference between a dressmaker and a farmer? A dressmaker sews what she gathers, a farmer gathers what he sows.
  • What is the difference between a drug pusher and a prostitute? A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
  • What is the difference between a fisherman and a lazy student? One baits his hook, the other hates his book.
  • What is the difference between a flea and a wolf? One prowls on the hairy and the other howls on the prairie!
  • What is the difference between a flea bitten dog and a bored visitor? Ones going to itch and the other is itching to go!
  • What is the difference between a fly and a bird? A bird can fly but a fly can't bird!
  • What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad? One says ribbit ribbit, the other one says rub-it, rub-it!
  • What is the difference between a horse and a duck? One goes quick and the other goes quack!
  • What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher? One minds the train, the other trains the mind.
  • What is the difference between a mosquito and a fly? Try sewing buttons on a mosquito!
  • What is the difference between a musician and a dead body? One composes and the other decomposes.
  • What is the difference between a thief and a church bell? One steals from the people, the other peals, from the steeple.
  • What is the difference between an aardvark and a coyote? One has a long smeller, the other, a loud yeller!
  • What is the difference between an elephant and a flea? An elephant can have fleas but a flea can't have elephants!
  • What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
  • What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has NO EL.
  • What is the difference between the government and the Mafia? One of them is organized.
  • What is the dogs favourite city? New Yorkie!
  • What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
  • What is the easy way to get a wild elephant? Get a tame one and annoy it!
  • What is the feeling that you've smelled a certain skunk before? Deja phew!
  • What is the fiercest flower in the garden? The tiger lily!
  • What is the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car? They fasten their sheet (seat) belts.
  • What is the first thing that vampires learn at school? The alphabat.
  • What is the golden rule for cows? Do unto udders as you would have udders do to you!
  • What is the hamburgers' most familiar song? 'Home on the Range'!
  • What is the hamburgers' motto? If at first you don't succeed, fry, fry again!
  • What is the hottest part of a man's face? His sideburns.
  • What is the last thing you eat before you die? You bite the dust.
  • What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
  • What is the meaning of afford? It's the car most sales representatives drive.
  • What is the meaning of life? All evidence to date suggests it's chocolate.
  • What is the most breathless thing on television? The Pink Panter Show!
  • What is the most common educational degree in New Mexico? Kindergarten dropout.
  • What is the most faithful insect? A flea, once they find someone they like they stick to them!
  • What is the most famous shark? William Sharkspeare!
  • What is the most important use for cowhide? To hold the cow together.
  • What is the most popular game played by tornadoes? -Catch my drift
  • What is the most popular sport played by raindrops and hail stones? -Diving
  • What is the most religious insect? A mosque-ito!
  • What is the most romantic city in England? Loverpool!
  • What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're married.
  • What is the only breed of dog a boxer is afraid of? A Doberman puncher!
  • What is the opposite of a cold front? -A warm back
  • What is the pig's favorite musical instrument? The piggalo (piccalo).
  • What is the proper weight for a lawyer? About 3 pounds, . . . . . . . not counting the urn!
  • What is the quickest way to double your money? Fold it in half!
  • What is the slowest racehorse in the world? A clotheshorse!
  • What is the softest bed for a baby to sleep on? Cot-on-wool.
  • What is the speed of dark?
  • What is the strongest animal? A racehorse, because it can take hundreds of people for a ride at once!
  • What is the strongest bird? A crane!
  • What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women.
  • What is the title of the new Vietnamamese cookbook? 100 way to wok your dog.
  • What is the vampire's favorite slogan? Please Give Blood Generously.
  • What is the wasps' favorite song? Just a Spoonful of Sugar.
  • What is the witches motto? We came, we saw, we conjured!
  • What is uglier than an aardvark? Two aardvarks!
  • What is white, sugary, has whiskers and floats on the sea? A catameringue!
  • What is worse than a dog howling at the moon? Two dogs howling at the moon.
  • What is worse than an alligator with toothache? A centipede with athlete's foot!
  • What is worse than raining cats and dogs? Raining elephants!
  • What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? An electric banana.
  • What is yellow and goes click-click? A ball-point banana. Witch: Will I lose my looks as I get older? Wizard: With luck, yes. Witch:
  • What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber!
  • What is your dog's favorite breakfast? Pooched eggs!
  • What is your favourite type of birthday present? Another present!
  • What job do rabbits at hotels have? Bellhop.
  • What jumps up and down in front of a car? Froglights!
  • What kind of a fish does your Parrot sit on? A Perch!
  • What kind of a pitch did Sandy Koufax of the old Burger-lyn Dodgers have? A fastball - a sizzler.
  • What kind of ant can you colour with? A crayant!
  • What kind of ant is good at maths? An accountant!
  • What kind of ants are very learned? Pedants!
  • What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
  • What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple.
  • What kind of baseball do burgers play? Ketchup baseball!
  • What kind of bath can you take without water? A sun bath.
  • What kind of bee can keep an aeroplane dry? An aero-drone!
  • What kind of bee can't be understood? A mumble bee!
  • What kind of bees hum and drop things? A fumble bee!
  • What kind of bell doesn't ring? A dumbbell.
  • What kind of bird lays electric eggs? A battery hen!
  • What kind of bird opens doors? A kiwi!
  • What kind of birds do you usually find locked up? Jail-birds!
  • What kind of book did Frankenstein's monster like to read? One with a cemetery plot.
  • What kind of bread do pig ladles make in the Yukon? Sow-r dough bread.
  • What kind of bugs bother sporting dogs? Ath-fleats!
  • What kind of car drives over water? Any kind of car, if it goes over a bridge.
  • What kind of cars do rabbits drive? Hop rods.
  • What kind of cat should you take into the desert? A first aid kitty!
  • What kind of clothes do lawyers wear? Lawsuits.
  • What kind of company is a 24 hours hamburger joint? Fry-by-night!
  • What kind of computers do chihuahuas like best? Lap-top!
  • What kind of cows do you find in Alaska? Eski-moos!
  • What kind of dance do buns do? Abundance.
  • What kind of doctor does a duck visit? A Ducktor.
  • What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLologist.
  • What kind of doctors are like spiders? Spin doctors!
  • What kind of dog always needs a shave? A bearded collie!
  • What kind of dog can tell time? A clockshund!
  • What kind of dog can you best see in the dark? A glowberman pinscher!
  • What kind of dog chases anything red? A bull dog!
  • What kind of dog doesn't do well in hot weather? A faint Bernard!
  • What kind of dog is a person's best friend? A palmatian!
  • What kind of dog is the most colorful? A paint Bernard!
  • What kind of dog is the smartest? A great brain!
  • What kind of dog sniffs out new flowers? A bud hound!
  • What kind of dog sounds like you can eat it? A sausage dog!
  • What kind of dog wears a uniform and medals? A guard dog!
  • What kind of ears do trains have? Engineers (engine ears).
  • What kind of elephants live in Antartica? Cold ones!
  • What kind of fish is useful in freezing weather? Skate!
  • What kind of fish will help you hear better? A herring aid!
  • What kind of food do maths teachers eat? Square meals!
  • What kind of furniture do pigs like best? Overstuffed.
  • What kind of ghosts haunt operating theatres? Surgical spirits.
  • What kind of girl does a hamburger like? Any girl named Patty!
  • What kind of hair do oceans have? . . . Wavy hair.
  • What kind of hair do oceans have? Wavy!
  • What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air? A seahorse!
  • What kind of horse has trouble keeping track of his Macintosh? An Appaloosa!
  • What kind of leash should you buy for a Chihuahua? A short one!
  • What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers? Fang letters!
  • What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers? Fang mail.
  • What kind of make up was the girl wearing on Halloween? Mash-scara!
  • What kind of meat do you give a stupid dog? Chump chops!
  • What kind of medicine does Dracula take for a cold? Coffin medicine.
  • What kind of modeling clay does a dog use? Fi-Do!
  • What kind of money do fishermen make? Net profits!
  • What kind of money do monsters use? Weirdo (weird dough).
  • What kind of money do polar bears use? Ice lolly!
  • What kind of money do snowmen use? Iced lolly.
  • What kind of monster can sit on the end of your finger? The bogeyman.
  • What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine? -A wash and wear wolf
  • What kind of music do phones love to hear? A symphony
  • What kind of musical instrument can you use for fishing? The cast-a-net.
  • What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ!
  • What kind of noise annoys an oyster? A noisy noise annoys an oyster! (Try saying that fast! )
  • What kind of pants do you buy for your pet Chihuahua? Shorts!
  • What kind of party do prisoners in jail like most of all. A going-away party.
  • What kind of phone makes music? A saxophone.
  • What kind of physician works on a cruise liner? A dry doc.
  • What kind of pig do sows dislike? Male Chauvinist Pigs.
  • What kind of protozoa likes Halloween? An amoeboo!
  • What kind of robbery is not dangerous? A safe robbery.
  • What kind of sharks make good carpenters? Hammerheads!
  • What kind of shoes to frogs like? Open toad sandals!
  • What kind of snake is useful on your windscreen? A viper!
  • What kind of star wears sunglasses? A movie star.
  • What kind of street does a ghost like best? A dead end.
  • What kind of thief steals meat? A hamburglar.
  • What kind of tie does a pig wear? Pig's tie!
  • What kind of tiles can't you stick on walls? Reptiles!
  • What kind of typewriters do vampires like? Blood type-writers.
  • What kind of umbrella does the Queen of England carry on a rainy day? A wet one.
  • What kind of watch is best for people who don't like time on their hands? A pocket watch.
  • What kind of whale flies? Pilot whales!
  • What kind of wig can hear? An earwig!
  • What lands as often on its tail as it does its head? A penny.
  • What language do birds speak? Pigeon English!
  • What language do the Vatican Police speak? Pig Latin!
  • What language do they speak in Cuba? Cubic!
  • What letter is like a vegetable? The letter P.
  • What letter should you avoid? The letter A because it makes men mean.
  • What letter stands for the ocean? The letter C.
  • What letters are not in the alphabet? The ones in the mail, of course!
  • What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us.
  • What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
  • What lies on the ground 100 feet up in the air and smells? A dead centipede.
  • What lights up a football stadium? A football match!
  • What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm!
  • What lives in gum trees? Stick insects!
  • What lives in the ocean, is grouchy and hates neighbours? A hermit crab!
  • What looks just like half a loaf of bread? Its other half.
  • What looks like a dog, sounds like a dog, eats like a dog, but isn't a dog? A pup.
  • What looks like half a cat? The other half!
  • What magazine makes cows stampede to the newsstand? Cows-mopolitan!
  • What makes a glow worm glow? A light meal!
  • What makes an ideal present for a monster? Five pairs of gloves one for each hand.
  • What medicine would you give an ill ant? Antibiotics!
  • What monster flies his kite in a rain storm? Benjamin Frankenstein
  • What monster plays the most April Fool's jokes? Prankenstein!
  • What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!
  • What musical instrument goes with cheese? Picklelo.
  • What must a policeman have before searching a rabbits' home? A search warren!
  • What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.
  • What newspaper do cows read? The Daily Moos.
  • What nickname did the police give to the new blonde woman police officer? A fair cop.
  • What noise does a cat make going down the highway? Miaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow!
  • What old-time song is the burgers' favourite? 'Hammy' - as sung by Al Jolson!
  • What part of "No" don't you understand?
  • What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand?-- God
  • What part of a car is the laziest? The wheels. They are always tired.
  • What part of a fish weighs the most? It's scales!
  • What part of a football ground is never the same? The changing rooms!
  • What part of a football pitch smells nicest? The scenter spot!
  • What people travel the most? Romans.
  • What person adds best in hot weather? A summer.
  • What person strives to ensure safety for horses? Ralph Neighder!
  • What pill would you give to an elephant that can't sleep? Trunkquilizers!
  • What pillar doesn't need holding up? A caterpillar!
  • What place of business helps dogs who have lost their tails? A retail store.
  • What political party entices most Gorillas? The Treepublican Party!
  • What position does the pig play in football? Loinback.
  • What powerful reptile is found in the Sydney opera house? The Lizard of Oz!
  • What profession did the parrot get into when it swallowed the clock? Politics
  • What purrs along the road and leaves holes in the lawn? A Moles Royce.
  • What question must always be answered, Yes? What does Y-E-S spell?
  • What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm!
  • What reindeer can jump higher than a house? They all can! Houses can't jump!
  • What runs all day but never gets tired? Water.
  • What salesman has the slickest line? A hair grease salesman.
  • What sees a blind man when he's dreaming?
  • What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded? Bring on their subs!
  • What should a rabbit use to keep his fur neat? A harebrush.
  • What should a teacher take if he's run down? The number of the car that hit him.
  • What should you buy if your hair falls out? A good vacuum cleaner!
  • What should you call a bald teddy? Fred bear!
  • What should you call a polite, friendly, kind, good looking monster? A failure.
  • What should you do if a monster runs through your front door? Run through the back door.
  • What should you do if a vampire borrows your comic? Wait for him to give it back.
  • What should you do if you are on a picnic with King Kong? Give him the biggest bananas.
  • What should you do if you find a 500-pound dog asleep on your bed? Sleep on the sofa.
  • What should you do if you find a snake in your bed? Sleep in the wardrobe.
  • What should you do if you find a snake sleeping in your bed? Sleep in the wardrobe!
  • What should you do if you find a witch in your bed? Run!
  • What should you do if you find an angry 500-pound dog in your kitchen? Eat out.
  • What should you do if you get lots of e-mails saying, 'What's up, Doc? What's up, Doc? 'Check for bugs in your system.
  • What should you do if you have a basset hound over for dinner? Have a short table!
  • What should you do if you see a vicious dog? Hope he doesn't see you.
  • What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.
  • What should you know before you teach your dog a new trick? You should know more than your dog.
  • What should you say to a pig on roller skates? Don't say anything. Just get out of the way.
  • What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses? Bronchitis (bronc-itis).
  • What side of a monster has more hair? The outside!
  • What sits in the middle of the world wide web? A very, very big spider!
  • What snakes are good at sums? Adders!
  • What soft drink do pigs like best? Root beer.
  • What song do Father Christmas' gnomes sing to him when he comes home cold on Christmas night? Freeze a jolly good fellow!
  • What song do burgers sing on the job? Gristle While You Work!
  • What song do pigs sing on New Year's Eve? Auld Lang Swine.
  • What song does a car radio play? A cartoon (car, tune).
  • What song should you sing to a wildebeest on his birthday? Happy Birthday To Gnu!
  • What song to snakes like to sing? Viva Aspana!
  • What sort of a car has your dad got? I can't remember the name. I think it starts with T. Really - Ours only starts with gas.
  • What sort of animals make the best TV presenters? Gnus - readers!
  • What sort of clothes does a pet dog wear? A petticoat!
  • What sort of dance do fish do at parties? The conga!
  • What sort of net is useless for catching fish? A football net!
  • What sort of perfume do snakes prefer? Poison by Christian Dior!
  • What sort of soup do skeletons like? One with plenty of body in it.
  • What sort of violin does a ghost play? A dreadivarius.
  • What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow? Cowboom!
  • What squeaks as it solves crimes? Miami mice!
  • What stars go to jail? Shooting stars.
  • What steps should you take if you see a dangerous animal on your travels? Very large ones.
  • What stories are told by basketball players? Tall stories!
  • What subject are snakes good at school? Hiss-tory!
  • What surfs the Internet and goes, 'Choo, Choo'? Thomas the Search Engine.
  • What system do they teach in Hamburger High's math courses? The meatric system, silly!
  • What tea do footballers drink? Penaltea!
  • What ten letter word starts with g-a-s? Automobile.
  • What the HERE Are You Looking At?
  • What the mind dwells upon, the body acts upon.
  • What three letters in the alphabet frighten criminals? F. B. I.
  • What three two-letter words denote "small"? ... "Is it in?"
  • What time is it when a clock strikes thirteen? Time to get it fixed.
  • What time is it when an elephant sits on your car? Time to get a new car.
  • What time is it when five dogs are chasing a cat down the street? Five after one.
  • What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth Hurty!
  • What time is it when you sit on a pin? Spring time.
  • What time is it when your watchdog lets a robber take the family silver? Time to get a new watchdog.
  • What to do you call an old dentist? A bit long in the tooth
  • What to you call a Russian flea? A Moscow-ito!
  • What to you get if you cross a parrot with an elephant? An animal that tells you everything that it remembers!
  • What two letters do you say when you answer the phone? LO
  • What two letters of the alphabet do snowmen prefer? I. C. !
  • What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you? Your calves!
  • What two words have thousands of letters in them? Post office.
  • What type of music do lightning bolts listen to? -Rock and Roll
  • What type of people do vampires like? Type O positive people.
  • What type of sense of humor does a dust storm have? -A very dry sense of humor
  • What type of sense of humor does rain have? -A very wet sense of humor
  • What type of wind is named after Santa Claus's warm climate cousin? Santa Ana
  • What type of wind is named after a young deer? Foehn
  • What type of wind is named after both a cat and a bat? Katabatic
  • What usually comes after the monster lights the birthday candles? The fire department.
  • What vegetable needs a plumber? A leek.
  • What was Camelot famous for? It's knight life!
  • What was Camelot? A place where people parked their camels!
  • What was King Arthur's favourite game? Knights and crosses!
  • What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas? It was wound up already.
  • What was the Tsar of Russia's favorite fish? Tsardines!
  • What was the dentist doing in Panama? . . . Looking for the Root Canal
  • What was the dog doing on the turnpike? About seven miles an hour.
  • What was the first think Queen Elizabeth did on ascending to the throne? Sat down!
  • What was the greatest accomplishment of the early Romans? Speaking Latin!
  • What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein's monster? HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.
  • What was the name of Tom Sawyer's fish? Huckleberry Fin!
  • What was the name of the film about a killer lion that swam underwater? 'Claws. '
  • What was the name of the hog who was knighted by King Arthur? Sir Lunchalot.
  • What was the parrot doing in prison? It was a jail-bird!
  • What was the policeman's baby's first words? Hallo, Hallo, Hallo!
  • What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas? Forty feet of track - all straight!
  • What we call failure is not the falling down, but the staying down.
  • What we really need is a moment of SCIENCE in the public schools!
  • What we think or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only thing of consequence is what we do.
  • What wears a black, white, and tan coat but has no hair? A bald beagle!
  • What weighs 35 tons, has four fuzzy ears and is 80 million years old? Two rabbits riding a brontosaurus.
  • What weighs 4 tons and is bright red? An elephant holding its breath!
  • What will a monster eat in a restaurant? The waiter.
  • What will fall on the lawn first? An autumn leaf or a Christmas catalogue?
  • What will santa bring your fish this christmas? A scale letrix!
  • What will the Easter Bunny be doing after Easter? One to three for breaking and entering.
  • What word allows you to take away two letters and get one? Stone.
  • What word grows smaller when you add two letters to it? Add er to short and it becomes shorter.
  • What works in a circus, walks a tightrope and has claws? An acrocat!
  • What world athletic sporting event is held every four years? The Olympigs!
  • What would Economics be without assumptions? Accounting
  • What would a pig name a chain of food stores? Stop N Slop Markets
  • What would an adult do in this situation?
  • What would happen if pigs could fly? Bacon would go up!
  • What would happen if pigs went on strike? They'd form pigget lines.
  • What would happen if tarantulas were as big as horses? If one bit you, you could ride it to hospital!
  • What would happen if you crossed Magilla Gorilla with a Saint Bernard? It would drink the brandy it would carry and act like a big Gorilla!
  • What would the world be like without hypothetical situations?
  • What would you call a nine day old dog in Russia? A puppy.
  • What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers.
  • What would you call two bananas? A pair of slippers.
  • What would you get if you crossed Halloween with Christmas? A ghoul Yule!
  • What would you get if you crossed Halloween with Independence Day? The Fourth of Ghoul-ly!
  • What would you get if you crossed King Kong with a skunk? I don't know but it could always get a seat on a bus!
  • What would you get if you crossed a chicken with a dog? A hen that lays pooched eggs.
  • What would you get if you crossed a cow with a rabbit? Hare in your milk!
  • What would you get if you crossed a dinosaur with a pig? Jurassic pork!
  • What would you get if you crossed a grizzly with the world's greatest basketball player? Bear Jordan.
  • What would you get if you crossed a monster with a Thanksgiving dessert? Bumpkin pie!
  • What would you get if you crossed a monster with a redcoat? A bigger target.
  • What would you get if you crossed a monster with the god of love? A stupid Cupid!
  • What would you get if you crossed a new-born snake with a basketball? A bouncing baby boa.
  • What would you get if you crossed a skunk with a type of Easter candy? Smelly beans!
  • What would you get if you crossed a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite!
  • What would you get if you crossed a witch with a famous movie director? Steven Spellberg!
  • What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with Chinese food? Hop suey!
  • What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with a famous French general? Napoleon Bunnyparte!
  • What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with a leprechaun? The Easter Blarney!
  • What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with an overstressed person? An Easter basket case!
  • What would you have if your car's motor was in flames? A fire engine.
  • What would you hear at a cow concert? Moo-sic!
  • What you do off the job is the determining factor in how far you go on the job.
  • What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.
  • What you get by reaching your destination is not nearly as important as what you will become by reaching your destination.
  • What you have to do and the way you have to do it is incredibly simple. Whether you are willing to do it, that's another matter.
  • What you see and hear depends a great deal on where you are standing; it also depends on what sort of person you are.
  • What's Christmas called in England? Yule Britannia!
  • What's Dracula's car called? A mobile blood unit.
  • What's Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents? Santa pause!
  • What's O. J. Simpson's Internet address? Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape.
  • What's Scrooge's favourite Christmas game? Mean-opoly.
  • What's Tarzan's favourite Christmas song? Jungle bells.
  • What's Up, Doc? by Howie Dewin
  • What's a barber's favourite kind of holiday? Cruising on a clipper.
  • What's a bee-line? The shortest distance between two buzz-stops!
  • What's a bees favourite flower? A bee-gonias!
  • What's a bees favourite novel? The Great Gats-bee!
  • What's a big game hunter? Someone who's lost his way to the match.
  • What's a blondes idea of natural childbirth? No make-up.
  • What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat!
  • What's a cow's favourite love song? When I fall in love , it will be for heifer.
  • What's a cow's favourite love song? When I fall in love, it will be for heifer.
  • What's a dog favourite hobby? Collecting fleas!
  • What's a doll's favorite food? Barbie-Q!
  • What's a fresh vegetable? One that insults a farmer.
  • What's a frogs favourite flower? A croakus!
  • What's a ghosts favorite ride at the carnival? The roller ghosted.
  • What's a ghosts favourite Christmas entertainment? A phantomime!
  • What's a glow worms favourite song? Wake me up before you glow glow!
  • What's a hairdressers's favourite Christmas song? 'Oh comb all ye faithful'
  • What's a man idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
  • What's a monsters favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet
  • What's a moo hoo for a bunch of weirdo cattle? A nerd herd!
  • What's a moo hoo for a cattle dinner? Cow chow!
  • What's a moo hoo for a cow barn on a holiday? A merry dairy!
  • What's a moo hoo for a darling bull? A dear steer!
  • What's a moo hoo for a stuffed steer? A full bull!
  • What's a moo hoo for a tug-of-war between two longhorns? A bull pull!
  • What's a moo hoo for a young calf? A new moo!
  • What's a moo hoo for grazing school? Grass class!
  • What's a moo hoo for the sound you hear when a cow spits? A cud thud!
  • What's a mouse's favourite record? Please cheese me!
  • What's a mouse's least favorite record? What's up Pussycat!
  • What's a nice girl like you doing with a face like that?
  • What's a parrot's favourite game? Monopoly!
  • What's a parrot's favourite song? I love Parrots in the Springtime!
  • What's a pet's favorite day? . . . Saint Petrick's Day
  • What's a python's favourite pop group? Squeeze!
  • What's a rabbits' favorite TV show? Hoppy Days.
  • What's a rabbits' favorite book? Hop on Pop.
  • What's a rabbits' favorite dance? The bunny hop.
  • What's a rabbits' favorite movie? Rabbits of the Lost Ark.
  • What's a rabbits' favorite musical? Hare.
  • What's a rabbits' favorite song? Hoppy Birthday to You.
  • What's a rabbits' favourite car? Any make, just as long it's a hutchback!
  • What's a sea serpent's favourite meal? Fish and ships!
  • What's a shy and retiring accountant? An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring.
  • What's a skunk's favourite game in school? Show and smell!
  • What's a skunk's philosophy of life? Eat, stink and be merry!
  • What's a snake's favourite food? Hiss Cakes!
  • What's a snakes favourite TV program? Monty Python!
  • What's a snakes favourite dance? Snake, rattle & roll!
  • What's a snakes favourite dance? The mamba!
  • What's a snakes favourite flower? Coily-flowers!
  • What's a teddy bears favourite pasta? Tagliateddy!
  • What's a toads favourite sweet? Lollihops!
  • What's a vampire's favorite dance? The Fang Tango.
  • What's a vampire's favorite dance? The Vaults.
  • What's a vampire's favorite drink? A Bloody Mary.
  • What's a vampire's favorite hobby? In-grave-ing.
  • What's a zombie say when he gets a letter from his girlfriend? It's a dead letter day.
  • What's a zombie's favorite pop song? Dead sails in the sunset.
  • What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room? Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
  • What's an actuary? An accountant without the sense of humour.
  • What's an extroverted accountant? One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
  • What's an octopuses favourite latin saying? Squid pro quo!
  • What's another name for a clever duck? A wise quacker!
  • What's another name for an assistant stable cleaner? A co-pile-it!
  • What's another name for an parent? Someone who's stopped growing except around the waist.
  • What's another word for Thesaurus?
  • What's another word for a murderer who kills old ladies? A Killergran.
  • What's as big as a horse, but weighs nothing? A horses shadow!
  • What's as big as an elephant but weighs nothing? An elephant's shadow!
  • What's at the end of Moby Dick? A whale of a time!
  • What's big and grey and lives in a lake in Scotland? The Loch Ness Elephant!
  • What's big and grey and protects you from the rain? An umbrellaphant!
  • What's big and grey and wears a mask? The elephantom of the opera!
  • What's big and hairy and climbs up the Empire State Building in a dress? Queen Kong.
  • What's big and hairy and goes 'beep beep'? A monster in a traffic jam.
  • What's big and purple and hugs your Easter basket? The Easter Barney!
  • What's big and ugly and drinks out of the wrong side of the glass? A monster trying to get rid of hiccups.
  • What's big, grey and flies straight up? An elecopter!
  • What's big, heavy, furry, dangerous and has sixteen wheels? A monster on roller-skates.
  • What's black and white all over and difficult? An exam paper!
  • What's black and white and makes a lot of noise? A zebra with a set of drums.
  • What's black and white and turns cartwheels? A piebald horse pulling a cart!
  • What's black and white, black and white, black and white? A nun rolling down a hill.
  • What's black and white, stinks and hangs from a line? A drip dry skunk.
  • What's black, brown and white, black, brown and white, brown and white, etc. ? A Gorilla riding down a snowbank!
  • What's black, hairy, and writes under water? A ball-point gorilla!
  • What's black, yellow and covered in blackberries? A bramble bee!
  • What's blue and has big ears? An elephant at the North Pole!
  • What's blue and sings alone? - Dan Ackroyd.
  • What's brown and furry on the inside and clear on the outside? King Kong in clingfilm
  • What's brown and white and flies all over? Thanksgiving turkey, when you carve it with a chain saw!
  • What's fat and jolly and runs on eight wheels? Father Christmas on roller skates!
  • What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade!
  • What's furry, has whiskers and chases outlaws? A posse cat!
  • What's got six legs and can fly long distances? Three swallows!
  • What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
  • What's gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves? Stalagmice!
  • What's grey and goes round and round? An elephant in a washing machine!
  • What's grey and lights up? An electric elephant!
  • What's grey and moves at a hundred miles an hour? A jet propelled elephant!
  • What's grey and never needs ironing? A drip dry elephant!
  • What's grey and wrinkly and jumps every twenty seconds? An elephant with hiccups!
  • What's grey but turns red? An embarrassed elephant!
  • What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers? Cinderelephant!
  • What's grey, carries a bunch of flowers and cheers you up when your ill? A get wellephant!
  • What's grey, stands in a river when it rains and doesn't get wet? An elephant with an umbrella!
  • What's hairy and flies through the air? Jonathan Livingstone Gorilla!
  • What's hairy, dangerous and only surfs the Net when there's a full moon? The www. erewolf.
  • What's it called when a vampire kisses you goodnight? Necking.
  • What's long and stylish and full of cats? The Easter Purrade!
  • What's long, green and goes hith? A snake with a lisp!
  • What's long, hard, and has semen in it? A submarine!
  • What's more dangerous than being with a fool? Fooling with a bee!
  • What's musical and holds gallons and gallons of beer? A barrel organ.
  • What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!
  • What's organic dental floss? Pubic hair!
  • What's pink and gray and wrinkly and old and belongs to Grandpa monster? - Grandma monster
  • What's pink, has five toes, and is carried by the Easter Bunny? His lucky people's foot!
  • What's pink, lives in a sty and drinks blood? A hampire.
  • What's red and blue and sogs up your Easter basket? Coloured scrambled eggs
  • What's red and green and wears boxing gloves? A fruit punch.
  • What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
  • What's red on the outside and green on the inside? A dinosaur wearing red pajamas.
  • What's tennis players favourite city? Volley wood!
  • What's that pig doing in the middle of the road with a red light on its head? Didn't you tell me to put out a stop swine?
  • What's the best city to search the World Wide Web in? Rome.
  • What's the best day to eat bacon? Fry-day.
  • What's the best thing about deadly snakes? They've got poisonality!
  • What's the best thing about turning 65? No more calls from insurance salesmen.
  • What's the best thing to put into a pizza? Your teeth.
  • What's the best way to catch a fish? Have someone throw it at you.
  • What's the best way to catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on him
  • What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
  • What's the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.
  • What's the best way to increase the size of your bank balance? Look at it through a magnifying glass.
  • What's the best way to make a bull sweat? Put him in a tight jumper!
  • What's the best way to see a charging herd of elephants? On television!
  • What's the biggest moth in the world? A mammoth!
  • What's the chilliest ground in the premiership? Cold Trafford!
  • What's the definition of Parity? Two parrots exactly the same!
  • What's the definition of Polystyrene? A plastic parrot!
  • What's the definition of a Parapet? Pet parrot kept by parachutist!
  • What's the definition of a cannibal? Some who goes into a restaurant and orders a waiter!
  • What's the definition of a good actor? Somebody who tries hard to be everybody but himself.
  • What's the definition of a good tax accountant? Someone who has a loophole named after him.
  • What's the definition of a narrow squeak? A thin mouse!
  • What's the definition of a nervous breakdown? A chameleon on a tartan rug!
  • What's the definition of a school report? A poison pen letter from the principal.
  • What's the definition of an accountant? Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
  • What's the definition of eternity? 4 blondes at a 4 way stop.
  • What's the definition of unlikely? A photo-spread in Playboy titled 'The World's Top Accountants - Nude! '.
  • What's the difference between Frankenstein and boiled potatoes? You can't mash Frankenstein.
  • What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia? .... In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.
  • What's the difference between Windows 95 and a virus? A virus does something.
  • What's the difference between a biscuit and a monster? You can dip a biscuit in your tea, but a monster is too big to fit in the cup.
  • What's the difference between a bus driver and a cold? A bus driver knows the stops, and a cold stops the nose.
  • What's the difference between a dim monster and a birthday candle? The candle is a thousand times brighter!
  • What's the difference between a headmaster and a poisonous snake? You can make a pet out of a snake!
  • What's the difference between a homeless and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.
  • What's the difference between a hunter and a fisherman? A hunter lies in wait. A fisherman waits and lies.
  • What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit? The bucket.
  • What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You should take your workboots off beforeyou jump on a trampoline.
  • What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? .. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
  • What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion? You cry when you cut up an onion.
  • What's the difference between a man and E. T. ? E. T. phoned home.
  • What's the difference between a monster and a mouse? A monster makes bigger holes in the skirting board.
  • What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
  • What's the difference between a nurse and a nun? A nun only serves one God.
  • What's the difference between a peeping Tom and someone who's just got out of the bath? One is rude and nosey. The other is nude and rosey!
  • What's the difference between a penis and a bonus? Your wife will always blow your bonus!
  • What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician? A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!
  • What's the difference between a reindeer and a snowball? They're both brown, except the snowball.
  • What's the difference between a rooster and a hooker? a rooster says cocka-doodle-doo a hooker says any cock will do.
  • What's the difference between a sick elephant and seven days? One is a weak one and the other one week!
  • What's the difference between a sigh, a car and a monkey? A sigh is oh, dear. A car is too dear. A monkey is you, dear.
  • What's the difference between a surgeon and a puppy? If you put a puppy in a room by itself for an hour, it'll probably stop whining.
  • What's the difference between a teacher and a conductor on the railroad? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
  • What's the difference between a tiger and a lion? A tiger has the mane part missing!
  • What's the difference between a vampire and a cookie? You can't dip a vampire in your tea.
  • What's the difference between a vampire with toothache and a rainstorm? One roars with pain and the other pours with rain.
  • What's the difference between a very old, shaggy Yeti and a dead bee? One's a seedy beast and the other's a deceased bee.
  • What's the difference between a worm and an apple? Have you ever tried worm pie? !
  • What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 3, 000 miles!
  • What's the difference between an American student and an English student? About 3000 miles!
  • What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irishfuneral? One less drunk.
  • What's the difference between an angler and a dunce? One baits his hooks while the other hates his books.
  • What's the difference between an elephant and a bad pupil? One rarely bites and the other barely writes!
  • What's the difference between an elephant and a banana? Have you ever tried to peel an elephant?
  • What's the difference between an elephant and a gooseberry? A gooseberry is green!
  • What's the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper? You can't make a paper aeroplane out of an elephant!
  • What's the difference between an injured elephant and bad weather? One roars with pain and the other pours with rain!
  • What's the difference between ignorance and indifference? I don't know and I don't care!
  • What's the difference between the Easter Bunny and a silly monster? One's a hare-head and the other's an air-head!
  • What's the difference between your finger and a hammer? I don't know! Well, you're not using my computer keyboard then!
  • What's the easiest way for a Gorilla hunter to make money? Collect unemployment insurance!
  • What's the fastest cake in the world? Meriiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnngue.
  • What's the fastest way to send a rabbit? Haremail.
  • What's the favorite subject of young witches at school? Spelling.
  • What's the favourite flavour of sharks? Shark-o-late!
  • What's the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car? -They boo-kle their seatbelts
  • What's the greatest birthday present? Hard to say - but a drum takes a lot of beating.
  • What's the hardest part of making monster soup? Stirring it.
  • What's the hardest part of milking a mouse? Getting it to fit over a bucket!
  • What's the hardest thing about learning to ride a bicycle? The road.
  • What's the hardest thing about learning to ride a horse? The ground!
  • What's the longest piece of furniture in the school? The multiplication table.
  • What's the matter son? The boy next door said I look just like you? What did you say? Nothing he's bigger than me!
  • What's the moral of the story about Jonah and the whale? You can't keep a good man down!
  • What's the most famous coffee in Afghanistan? Osama bin Latte

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