Funny Quotes - Page 5

  • Reports are coming in of an elephant doing a ton in the highway. Police ask motorists to drive carefully and to yield right of way.
  • Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending 50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.
  • Republicans say Merry Christmas! Democrats say Happy Holidays!
  • Respect a man, he will do the more.
  • Respect the man, and he will do the more.
  • Rest assured that all your hard work and effort will go unnoticed.
  • Resurection? Been there, done that. Can you say "Isis and Osiris"?
  • Retired colonel, talking of the good old days: Have you ever hunted bear? His grandson's teacher: No, but I've been fishing in shorts.
  • Reunite Gondwanaland.
  • Righteousness, the unforgivable sin.
  • Robot: I have to dry my feet carefully after a bath. Monster: Why? Robot: Otherwise I get rusty nails.
  • Roman Catholic and loving it!
  • Romance is like a game of chess: one false move and you're mated.
  • Romantic Remembrance by Valentine Card
  • Romeo: Your cheeks are like petals. Juliet: Really? Romeo: Yes, bicycle pedals.
  • Room Service? Can you send up a towel? Please wait, someone else is using it.
  • Room service? Send up a larger room.
  • Ropin' and Ranchin' by Larry Yett
  • Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
  • Round the Mountain by Sheelagh B. Cummin
  • Rule a kingdom as though you were cooking a small fish -don't overdo it.
  • saved@thecross.com
  • SOW: Would you like a nice cake with three candles for your party? PIGLET: I'd rather have three cakes and one candle.
  • STOP - Squeal tires on pavement.
  • SUV: Super Unpatriotic Vehicle.
  • Sacred cows make divine hamburgers.
  • Sado-masochism means not having to say you're sorry.
  • Safe sex is in the palm of your hand
  • Salesman: That suit looks nice. It fits like a bandage. Customer: Thanks. I bought it by accident.
  • Salesman: Would you like to buy a pocket calculator? Customer: No, thanks. I know how many pockets I have.
  • Salvation can't be bought and sold
  • Sam left work after a tiring day. 'Take the bus home, ' suggested a friend. 'My mother would only make me take it back, ' Sam said.
  • Sam: Would you punish me for something I didn't do? Teacher: no, of course not. Sam: good, because I didn't do my homework.
  • Sammy: My parents are sending me to camp. Tammy: Why? Do you need a vacation? Sammy: No. They do!
  • Sanity is a state of mind ...but the taxes are so high, I had to move away.
  • Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
  • Satan for President - Why pick the lesser of two Evils?
  • Saturday has a morning?
  • Save California! When you leave take someone with you.
  • Save Your Breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!
  • Save a cow. Eat a vegetarian.
  • Save a horse...ride a cowboy
  • Save a human, eat a cannibal
  • Save a man from drowning. Take your foot off his head.
  • Save the Dolphins. What did the cows do wrong?
  • Save the humans!
  • Save the planet! Kill yourself!
  • Save the ugly animals too!
  • Save the whales! Collect the whole set.
  • Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
  • Save trees! Eat more beavers.
  • Save trees. Wipe with an owl.
  • Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!
  • Say it with flowers! Give her a triffid!
  • Say something soft and sweet to me. Dracula: Marshmallows, chocolate fudge cake. . .
  • Say, your house is burning. That's okay. I got enough lumber in the attic to build a new one.
  • Schizophrenia beats being alone.
  • School Doctor: Have you ever had trouble with appendicitis? Fred: Only when I tried to spell it.
  • School Meals by R. E. Volting
  • Science is my god.
  • Science teacher: What happened when electricity was first discovered? Fred: Someone got a nasty shock.
  • Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by up to 90%. - It's called wedding cake.
  • Seaside Treats by Rhoda Donkey
  • Seasons Greetingsby Mary Christmas
  • Seek God in good times... not just in bad times.
  • Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
  • Self-trust is the essence of heroism.
  • Self-trust is the first secret of success.
  • Selflessness is the highest achievement
  • Semite: God talks to me.
  • September 12: Sell your SUV day!
  • Serial Killer.
  • Seriously, when the crooked hamburger took it on the 1am, where did it go? Heidelburg-er, Germany!
  • Set peace of mind as your highest goal and organize your entire life around it.
  • Seven days without prayer makes one weak!
  • Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman.
  • Sex differences are here to stay
  • Sex is a killer. Want to die happy?
  • Sex is like pizza. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good!
  • Sex is like rain. It all depends on how many inches you get.
  • Sex on television can't hurt you, unless you fall off.
  • Sex without partners - charter member.
  • Shake your a** for Jesus!
  • Shall I tell you the joke about the bed? No, because it hasn't been made up yet.
  • Shallow men believe in luck. Strong men believe in cause and effect.
  • Sharing makes you bigger than you are. The more you pour out, the more life will be able to pour in.
  • Sharon: I'm so homesick. Sheila: But this is your home! Sharon: I know and I'm sick of it.
  • She changes everything she touches!
  • She said "Harder!" I did that. She said "Faster!" I did that. She said "Deeper!" I philosophized.
  • She was two thirds married once. What do you mean? Well, she turned up, the Minster turned up, but the groom didn't!
  • She's so stupid she thinks a shoplifter is a very strong person who goes round picking up shops.
  • She's so ugly that when a wasp stings her it shuts its eyes.
  • She's the kind of girl that boys look at twice - they can't believe it the first time.
  • Shipwrecked! by Mandy Lifeboats
  • Shit happens!
  • Shopper's Hymn -- "Sweet By and By"
  • Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
  • Should I have a baby after 35? No, 35 children is enough.
  • Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
  • Should women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?
  • Show me a man who cannot bother to do little things and I'll show you a man who cannot be trusted to do big things.
  • Show me a thoroughly satisfied man, and I will show you a failure.
  • Show me someone content with mediocrity and I'll show you someone destined for failure.
  • Show me someone who has done something worthwhile, and I'll show you someone who has overcome adversity.
  • Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea...
  • Sign at restaurant reads: Eat here diet home
  • Sign in restaurant window: Eat now - Pay waiter.
  • Sign of a Loser: Couldn't hit the side of the barn from the inside with all the doors shut.
  • Sign of a Loser: He couldn't direct traffic down a one-way street.
  • Sign of a Loser: He has a wife and a cigarette holder - neither one works.
  • Sign of a Loser: He waited for years for Dame Fortune to knock on his door, but it was her daughter, Miss fortune, showed up.
  • Sign of a Loser: He worked two years on his boss's signature, then the perfectly forget check came back, marked 'Insufficient Funds'.
  • Sign of a Loser: He's as useless as a one legged man at an ass kicking contest.
  • Sign of a Loser: His boss would gladly pay him what he's worth, but it's against the Minimum Wage Law.
  • Sign of a Loser: If he went into the men's pants business, men would start wearing kilts.
  • Sign of a Loser: If it rained soup he would have a fork instead of a spoon
  • Sign of a Loser: She bought a house with lots of doors for opportunity to knock on, but only his 'relatives' did.
  • Sign of a Loser: She got a divorce and all she got was custody of her 'husbands parents'.
  • Sign of a Loser: She has delusions of adequacy.
  • Sign of a Loser: She's a two-handicap golfer - she has a boss who won't let her off early, and a husband who keeps her home weekends.
  • Sign of a Loser: She's had bad luck with two husbands, The first on left her, and the second one won't.
  • Sign seen in a bar: Those drinking to forget please pay in advance.
  • Silence is Golden by Xavier Brethe
  • Silly Fundie, myths are for kids.
  • Since Jesus' blood was wine, does that mean He was always drunk?
  • Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
  • Since most of us spend our lives doing ordinary tasks, the most important thing is to carry them out extraordinarily well.
  • Since you've discovered the Internet, you don't pay any attention to me! Who said that?
  • Sing "God Will Take Care of Me" at 55 mph....
  • Sing "Guide me, O Great Jehovah" at 65 mph....
  • Sing "Lord, I'm Coming Home" at 100 mph....
  • Sing "Nearer My God to Thee" at 75 mph....
  • Sing "Nearer Still Nearer" at 85 mph....
  • Sing "Precious Memories" over 100 mph....
  • Sing "This World is Not My Home" at 95 mph....
  • Sir you haven't touched your custard. I'm just waiting for the fly to stop using it as a trampoline!
  • Sister: Mom wants you to come in and help fix dinner. Brother: Why? Is it broken?
  • Sister: Why are you putting the saddle on backward? Brother: How do you know which way I'm going?
  • Skin Bin!
  • Skydiving - good to the last drop.
  • Sleep is a poor substitute for coffee!
  • Slumps are like a soft bed. They're easy to get into and hard to get out of.
  • Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
  • Small girl: I'd buy that dog, but his legs are too short! Clerk: Too short? Why, all four of them touch the floor.
  • Smart man + Smart Woman = RomanceSmart Man + Dumb Woman = PregnancyDumb Man + Smart Woman = AffairDumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage
  • Smile - things may get worse more slowly.
  • Smile and the world audits your taxes.
  • Smile, Cthulhu Loathes You!
  • Smile, it confuses people!
  • Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
  • Smith & Wesson - the original point and click interface.
  • Smoking - think of it as evolution in action.
  • Smoking Cures Ham!
  • Smoking is like sex-- It should always be between consenting adults in private.
  • Smoking kills. If youre killed, youve lost a very important part of your life.
  • Smuck Fog!
  • Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
  • Snowmobiles: Natural selection at its finest.
  • So glad to meet you said the Hindu politely? Charmed I'm sure , replied the snake!
  • So many cats. So few recipes.
  • So many christians - so few lions!
  • So many idiots - so few comets.
  • So many lawyers, so few bullets.
  • So many men, so few who can afford me!
  • So many men, so little reason to sleep with any of them!
  • So many pedestrians. So little time!
  • So the bus driver said to the string, Are you a string? and the string said, No, I'm afraid not. (A frayed knot).
  • So what exactly can I learn on the Internet? Anything you like - it can even teach you to talk like an Indian. How? See? It's working already.
  • So what's the speed of dark?
  • So you are distantly related to the family next door, are you? Yes- their dog is our dog's brother.
  • So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute!
  • So you're a feminist... Isn't THAT precious?
  • So, when's the wizard going to get back to you about that brain?
  • Solving the Mystery by Ivor Clew
  • Some call it stalking, I call it love.
  • Some days it's just not worth gnawing through the straps
  • Some days you're the Dog, and some days you're the Hydrant!
  • Some days, the most interesting thing on the TV is a sleeping cat!
  • Some mornings I just don't feel like slaying dragons.
  • Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
  • Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.
  • Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
  • Some people find fault like there is a reward for it.
  • Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too large.
  • Some push the envelope, some just lick it, and some can't find the flap!
  • Some things must be believed before they can be seen!
  • Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
  • Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, then change the subject.
  • Someone bought Scrooge a clock for Christmas. He put it straight in the bank. Why did he do that? He was trying to save time!
  • Something Wiccan this way comes.
  • Something happened to me yesterday that will never, ever, happen to me again. How can you be so sure? I was 10 years old yesterday.
  • Sometimes I think people are the sperm of the devil.
  • Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
  • Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
  • Sometimes I wish life had subtitles.
  • Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
  • Sometimes you're the bug and sometimes you're the windshield.
  • Sometimes you're the dog and sometimes you're the hydrant.
  • Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
  • Son: I can't go to school today. Father: Why not? Son: I don't feel wellTeacher: Where don't you feel well? Son: In school!
  • Son: What is an autobiography? Father: Er, the story of an automobile.
  • Son: Where are the Himalayas? Father: If you'd put things away, you'd know where to find them.
  • Sonny: I can't sleep. What should I do? Counselor: Lie near the edge of the bed. That way you'll be sure to drop off!
  • Sorry I missed Church, I've been studying WitchCraft and becoming a Lesbian.
  • Sorry I missed church, I was busy practicing witchcraft
  • Sorry if I look interested, I'm not!
  • Sorry my car's a piece of crap, my parents didn't buy it for me.
  • Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
  • Spare yourselves from self-pity. It is always self-defeating. Subdue the negative and emphasize the positive.
  • Speak to the Earth and it shall teach thee -- Job 12:8 King James Bible
  • Speed kills. Drive a Chevy and live forever!
  • Spell Indian tent with two letters. TP.
  • Spell electricity with three letters. NRG (energy).
  • Spell extra wise in two letters. YY (2 y's)
  • Spell mousetrap with three letters. C-A-T
  • Spell pound in two letters. Lb.
  • Spike Lee and Charleton Heston for President.
  • Spiritual people inspire me - Religious people frighten me.
  • Sports fad invented by pigs: Mud wrestling.
  • Stalker. Makes frequent stops.
  • Stamp out crime - abolish the IRS.
  • Stamp out global whining.
  • Stay out of sight - Lei Lo
  • Steven King WISHES he wrote something as scarey as the Bible!
  • Stop Using Jesus as an Excuse for Being a Narrow-Minded Bigoted Asshole!
  • Stop animal experimentation. Use lawyers.
  • Stop looking for the right person, BE the right person!
  • Stop reading this bumper sticker and watch the road!!!
  • Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
  • Stop signs with the white borders are optional.
  • Stop the violins. Visualize whirled peas.
  • Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.
  • Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
  • Strip mining prevents forest fires.
  • Strong Winds by Gail Force
  • Study art and logic. Learn to draw your own conclusions!
  • Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
  • Stupidity should be Painful!
  • Subvert the Dominant Paradigm.
  • Success as I see it, is a result, not a goal.
  • Success depends upon previous preparation, and without such preparation there is sure to be failure.
  • Success doesn't come to you .... you go to it.
  • Success has a simple formula: do your best, and people may like it.
  • Success has nothing to do with what you gain in life or accomplish for yourself. It's what you do for others.
  • Success is a journey, not a destination.
  • Success is a state of mind. If you want success, start thinking of yourself as a success.
  • Success is always temporary. When all is said and done, the only thing you'll have left is your character.
  • Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.
  • Success is just a matter of luck-just ask any failure.
  • Success is never ending: failure is never final.
  • Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
  • Success is not measured by what you accomplish but by the opposition you have encountered.
  • Success is not measured by what you do compared to what others do, it is measured by what you do with the ability God gave you.
  • Success is not measured in achievement of goals, but in the stress and strain of meeting those goals.
  • Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.
  • Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
  • Success often comes to those who have the aptitude to see way down the road.
  • Success or failure in business is caused more by the mental attitude even than by mental capacities.
  • Success seems to be connected with action. Successful men keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don't quit.
  • Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go.
  • Successful men and women keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don't quit.
  • Successful men are influenced by desire for pleasing results. Failures are influenced by desire for pleasing methods.
  • Sudden prayers make God jump.
  • Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.
  • Suicidal Psychopath.
  • Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.
  • Suicide is a way of telling God, "You can't fire me, I quit!"
  • Summa cum laude graduate, Darth Vader School of Personnel Management
  • Support Capitol Punishment, Flog a Politician Today!
  • Support D.A.M. Mothers Against Dyslexia.
  • Support Faith Based Missle Defense Systems.
  • Support Search & Rescue - Get lost!
  • Support a lawyer. Become a doctor.
  • Support bacteria! It's the only culture some people have.
  • Support our troops!
  • Support the Math Illiteracy Tax - Buy Lottery Tickets.
  • Support the Theory of Evolution. 400 Billion Amphibians Can't be Wrong!
  • Support the right to arm bears!
  • Support wildlife, throw a party!
  • Support your State Troopers. Drive really Fast.
  • Support your local undertaker - drop dead.
  • Sure I am of this, that you have only to endure to conquer. You have only to persevere to save yourselves.
  • Sure I know Jack Shit, I married him!
  • Sure you can have my gun: Bullets first!
  • Sure you can trust the government. Just ask an Indian!
  • Surely the world is full of single intelligent men?
  • Surveyor: This house is a ruin. I wonder what stops it from falling down. Owner: I think the woodworm are holding hands.
  • Swine fever click here for the latest, and no doubt we will sell you something
  • System analysis is the process of finding exactly the right wrench to pound in the required screw.
  • TEACHER: Jackie, take 932 from 1, 439. What is the difference? Stella: That's what I say, what's the difference`?
  • THANK YOU for deciding what's good for me.
  • TV Weatherman's Hymn -- "Showers of Blessing"
  • Tailor's Hymn -- "Holy, Holy, Holy"
  • Take a friend to Heaven!
  • Take away love and our earth is a tomb.
  • Take back the Night.
  • Take care of your body with steadfast fidelity. The soul must see through these eyes alone, and if they are dim, the whole world is clouded.
  • Take care of your body. It's the only place you have to live.
  • Take matters into your own hands, Pray!
  • Take the wheel, Harry! said the nervous lady driver. There's a tree coming straight for us!
  • Take your ex out tonight. One bullet ought to do it!
  • Talent develops in tranquility, character in the full current of human life.
  • Talk happiness. The world is sad enough without your woe.
  • Talk is Cheap, until you hire a lawyer.
  • Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
  • Talking is used to hide one's inability to act
  • Taming Wild Cats by Claude Face
  • Tape Recording for Beginners by Cass Ette
  • Tardis Express: When it absolutely, positively, has to be there before you mailed it!
  • Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
  • Teach. Don't Preach.
  • Teacher, I can't solve this problem. Any five year old should be able to solve this one. No wonder I can't do it then, I'm nearly ten!
  • Teacher: Are you good at math? Pupil: Yes and noTeacher: What do you mean? Pupil: Yes, I'm no good at math!
  • Teacher: Billy, please don't whistle while studying. Billy : Oh, but I'm not studying - just whistling!
  • Teacher: Can anyone give me the name of a liquid that won't freeze? Pupil: Hot water!
  • Teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds there are in a year? Pupil: 12 - 2nd January, 2nd February. . . !
  • Teacher: Can you tell me something important that didn't exist 100 years ago? Pupil: Me!
  • Teacher: Can't you retain anything in your head overnight? Pupil : Of course, I've had this cold in my head for two days!
  • Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning. Class: Hooray! Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!
  • Teacher: Did your parents help you with these homework problems? Pupil: No I got them all wrong by myself!
  • Teacher: Didn't you hear me call you? Pupil: But you said not to answer you back!
  • Teacher: Didn't you know the bell had gone? Fred: I didn't take it, Miss.
  • Teacher: Does anyone know which month has 28 days? Pupil: All of them!
  • Teacher: Fred, I'm glad to see your writing has improved. Pupil: Thank youTeacher: Now I can see how bad your spelling is though!
  • Teacher: Give me three reasons why the world is roundPupil: Well my dad says so, my mum says so and you say so!
  • Teacher: How can you make so many mistakes in just one day? Pupil: I get up early!
  • Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Fred's test paper. Pupil: I hope you didn't see me either!
  • Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow? Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!
  • Teacher: I see you don't cut your hair any longer. Fred: No sir, I cut it shorter.
  • Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of Pupil: Life imprisonment!
  • Teacher: I wished you would pay a little attentionPupil: I'm paying as little as I can!
  • Teacher: I'd like a room, please. Hotel Receptionist: Single, Sir? Teacher: Yes, but I am engaged.
  • Teacher: I'd like to go through one whole day without having to tell you off. Pupil: You have my permission!
  • Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4? Pupil: That's not fair! You answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!
  • Teacher: If I had ten flies on my desk, and I swatted one, how many flies would be left? Girl: One - the dead one!
  • Teacher: If you had five apples on your desk and the boy next to you took three what would you have? Pupil : A fight!
  • Teacher: If you saw me standing by a witch, what fruit would it remind you of? Pupil: A pear.
  • Teacher: In 1940, what were the Poles doing in Russia? Pupil: Holding up the telegraph lines!
  • Teacher: In music, if f means forte, what does ff mean? Pupil: Eighty
  • Teacher: In the exam you will be allowed 30 minutes for each question. Pupil : How long for the answer sir!
  • Teacher: Johnny, you know you can't sleep in my class. Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.
  • Teacher: Make up a sentence using the word lettuce! Pupil : Let us out of school early!
  • Teacher: Name five things that contain milk. Pupil: Butter, cheese, ice cream . . . and two cows!
  • Teacher: Name four members of the cat familyPupil: Daddy cat, mummy cat and two kittens!
  • Teacher: Name six wild animals. Pupil: Four elephants and two lions!
  • Teacher: Name two pronouns? Pupil: Who? , me?
  • Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4? Class: At once!
  • Teacher: R-O-X does spell rocks? Pupil: What does it spell then!
  • Teacher: Shall I put the school computer on? Pupil: No, Miss, the dress you're wearing looks fine.
  • Teacher: That's quite a cough you have there, what are you taking for it? Pupil: I don't know teacher. What will you give me?
  • Teacher: That's the stupidest boy in the whole school. Mother: That's my son. Teacher: Oh! I'm so sorry. Mother: You're sorry?
  • Teacher: The word politics - can you give me an example of how to use it? Pupil : My parrot swallowed a watch and now Polly ticks!
  • Teacher: This note from your father looks like your handwriting? Pupil: Well, yes, he borrowed my pen!
  • Teacher: To which family does the elephant belong? Pupil:I don't know, nobody I know owns one!
  • Teacher: Tommy you try my patience! Tommy: No, teacher you had better try mine. There's more of it!
  • Teacher: Tommy, put some more water in the fish tank! Pupil : Why, Miss, I only put some in yesterday and he hasn't drunk that yet!
  • Teacher: Were you copying his sums? Pupil : No Sir, just seeing if he got mine right!
  • Teacher: What a glum face, what would you say if I came to school with a face like yours? Pupil: I'd be too polite to mention it!
  • Teacher: What are the Great Plains? Pupil: 747, Concorde and F-16!
  • Teacher: What are you reading? Pupil : I dunno! Teacher: But you're reading aloud! Pupil : But I'm not listening!
  • Teacher: What came after the stone age and the bronze age? Pupil: The sausage!
  • Teacher: What can we do to stop polluting our waters? Pupil: Stop taking baths?
  • Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea? Pupil: Dead? , I didn't even know he was sick!
  • Teacher: What do you think astronauts wear to keep warm? Girl: Apollo neck jumpers?
  • Teacher: What family does the octopus belong to? Pupil: Nobody I know!
  • Teacher: What happened to your homework? Pupil: I made it into a paper plane and someone hijacked it.
  • Teacher: What is Ba + Na2? Pupil: Banana.
  • Teacher: What is a comet? Pupil : A star with a tailTeacher: Can you name one? Pupil: Lassie!
  • Teacher: What is can't short for? Pupil: Cannot missTeacher: and what is don't short for Pupil: Doughnut!
  • Teacher: What is the most common phrase used in school? Pupil : I don't knowTeacher: Correct!
  • Teacher: What time do you get up in the morning? About an hour and a half after I arrived at school
  • Teacher: What's 2 and 2? Pupil: 4Teacher: That's good. Pupil: Good? , that's perfect!
  • Teacher: What's 2 and 2Pupil: 4Teacher: That's goodPupil: Good? , that's perfect!
  • Teacher: What's a robin? Fred: A bird that steals, ma'am.
  • Teacher: What's big and yellow and comes in the morning to brighten a mothers day? Pupil: The school bus!
  • Teacher: What's happens to gold when it is exposed to the air? Pupil : It's stolen!
  • Teacher: What's the definition of a Polygamist? Pupil: A parrot with more than one wife!
  • Teacher: What's the longest word in the English language? Pupil: Smiles - because there is a mile between the first and last letters
  • Teacher: When do astronauts eat? Pupil: At launch time!
  • Teacher: When you yawn, your supposed to put your hand to your mouth! Pupil: What? , and get bitten!
  • Teacher: Where is the English Channel? Pupil: I don't know, my TV doesn't pick it up
  • Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best teacher in the school
  • Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I was mugged on the way to school and the mugger took everything I had
  • Teacher: Where would you find an elephant? Pupil:You don't have to find them, they're too big to lose!
  • Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is? Pupil: I expect it's around Hadrian's garden miss!
  • Teacher: Why are you picking your nose in class? Pupil: My mother won't let me do it at home!
  • Teacher: Why are you reading the last pages of your history book first? Pupil: I want to know how it ends!
  • Teacher: Why are you the only child in the classroom today? Pupil : Because I was the only one who didn't have school dinners yesterday!
  • Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions? Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't be much point in me being here!
  • Teacher: Why didn't you answer me? Pupil: I did, I shook my headTeacher: You don't expect me to hear it rattling from here do you!
  • Teacher: Why do we have a Thanksgiving holiday? Student: So we know when to start Christmas shopping!
  • Teacher: Why do we put a hyphen in a bird-cage? Pupil: For a parrot to perch on, miss.
  • Teacher: Why do you want to work in a bank, Alan? Fred: 'Cuz there's money in it, sir.
  • Teacher: Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York harbour? Pupil: Because it can't sit down!
  • Teacher: Why is the Mississippi such an unusual river? Pupil: Because it has four eyes and can't see!
  • Teacher: Would you at the back of the room stop passing notes. Pupil : We're not passing notes. We're playing cards!
  • Teacher: You aren't paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing? Pupil: No, teacher I'm having trouble listening!
  • Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn't you? Pupil: Not very much!
  • Teacher: You're new here aren't you, what's your name? Pupil: Fred Mickey Smith
  • Teacher: You've been e-mailing other pupils that I'm ugly! Pupil: Sorry, miss, I didn't realise you wanted to keep it a secret.
  • Tech Support: Which format are the images you send? Customer: Rectangular, 15x11 centimeters.
  • Techno-Pagan. I worship the holy Mother Board.
  • Ted Kennedy's car has killed more people than my gun.
  • Teenage Driver: But, officer, I'm a college man. Policeman: Sorry, but ignorance is no excuse.
  • Telepath wanted. You know where to apply.
  • Telephone Problems by Ron Number
  • Televangelists - Pro Wrestlers of Religion
  • Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
  • Tell the kids I love them-- God
  • Teller: Why did the blonde move to L. A. ? Blonde: I don't know. Why? Teller: It was easier to spell. Blonde: Easier than what?
  • Testing drugs on computers just makes them safe for computers.
  • Thank God I'm Female!
  • Thank God I'm an atheist.
  • Thank God Mary and Joseph weren't pro choice!
  • Thank God for the IRS. Without them I'd be stinking rich!
  • Thank you for not breeding.
  • That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it.-- God
  • That boy is so dirty, the only time he washes his ears is when he eats watermelon.
  • That bull you sold me is a lazy good-for-nothing! I told you he was a bum steer!
  • That there should one man die ignorant who had capacity for knowledge, this I call a tragedy.
  • That tornado damage your cow barn any? Dunno. Haven't found the durn thing yet!
  • That was Zen. This is Tao!
  • That which does not kill me pisses me off.
  • The "New Right" is fundamentally wrong.
  • The #1 cause of divorce is Marriage.
  • The Albanian planted lightbulbs in his garden. He heard that tulips grew from bulbs.
  • The Art of Button-collecting by Zipporah Broaken
  • The Attorney General has determined that Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms can be dangerous to your health, and get away with it!
  • The Barber of Seville by Aaron Floor
  • The Best Day Everby Trudy Light
  • The Bible is God's letter to Christians. If you don't understand it, that's what you get for reading other people's mail.
  • The Bible says that Jesus died for our sins. Couldn't you say the same thing about King Kong, Cool Hand Luke, and Frankenstein?
  • The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG it Happened.
  • The Big Bang theory: And God said 'Pulleth my Finger'
  • The Cat Philosophy of Life: If you can't Eat it or Shred it, then Sleep on it.
  • The Chocolate Bar by Ken I Havesum
  • The Christian Right Is Usually Neither.
  • The Christian right is neither.
  • The Damned Make Better Lovers
  • The Earth is full. Go Home!
  • The Easter Bunny didn't rise from the dead.
  • The Economic Breakfast by Roland Marge
  • The Eleventh Commandment: Thou shall not commit adulthood.
  • The Embarrassing Moment by Lucy Lastic
  • The Escaping Herd by Gay Topen
  • The Face is familiar but I can't quite remember my Name.
  • The First Amendment grants Freedom of Speech. THE SECOND GUARANTEES IT!
  • The Garlic Eater by I Malone
  • The Goddess Is Alive And Magick Is Afoot
  • The Goddess does not seek worship - she rejoices in being vividly imagined.
  • The Goddess loves you. Everyone else thinks you're a jerk.
  • The Greatest Detective Stories Ever Told by Watts E. Dunn
  • The Greatest Party by Maud D. Merrier
  • The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
  • The Hurricaneby Rufus Blownoff
  • The Insomniac by Eliza Wake
  • The Insurmountable problem by Major Setback
  • The Japenese Way of Death by Harri Kirri
  • The Joys of Hitch-hiking by Marsha Long
  • The Joys of Horse-riding by Jim Kama
  • The Lady Artistby Andrew Pictures
  • The Laser Weaponby Ray Gunn
  • The Long Walk Home by Miss D. Buss
  • The Lord forgives; why don't you ?
  • The Lost Bet by Henrietta Hart
  • The Millionaire by Ivor Fortune
  • The Modern Police Force by Iris Tew
  • The Naughty Schoolboy by Enid Spanking
  • The New Drum by Major Headache
  • The Post Script by Adeline Extra
  • The Punished Schoolboy by Major Bumsaw
  • The Rapture already happened -- no one made the cut.
  • The Runaway Horse by Gay Topen
  • The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography
  • The Spanish explorers went round the world in a galleon. How many galleons did the get to the mile!
  • The Spicy Sausage by Delia Katessen
  • The Steel Band by Lydia Dustbin
  • The Strongmanby Everhard Muscles
  • The Ten Commandments are NOT multiple choice -- God
  • The Ten Commandments are not the ten suggestions!
  • The Ugly Hag by Ida Face
  • The Untamed Tiger by Claudia Armoff
  • The Virgin Mary Was An Unwed Teenage Mother
  • The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
  • The World of Vegetables by Artie Choak
  • The Worst Journey in the Worldby Helen Back
  • The Worst Strikerby Mr Goal
  • The ability to make yourself do what you should do, when you should do it, whether you feel like it or not.
  • The achievements of an organization are the results of the combined effort of each individual.
  • The actions of men are the best interpreters of their thoughts.
  • The ark saved Noah... the cross saved me!
  • The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
  • The average person thinks he isn't.
  • The best angle from which to approach any problem is the try-angle.
  • The best job goes to the person who can get it done without passing the buck or coming back with excuses.
  • The best sermon...is a good example
  • The best sermons are lived, not preached.
  • The best things in life are free plus tax.
  • The best things in life aren't things.
  • The best way of saving money is to forget who you borrowed it from.
  • The best way to get on your feet is to get off your ass!
  • The big bangby Dina Mite
  • The bravest sight in the world is to see a great man struggling against adversity.
  • The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what you want most for what you want now.
  • The church is prayer-conditioned.
  • The closer you get, the slower I go.
  • The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
  • The complaint department is closed!
  • The computer revolution is over: The computers won!
  • The cruelest disappointment is when you let yourself down
  • The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather in a lack of will.
  • The difference between failure and success is doing a thing nearly right and doing a thing exactly right.
  • The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.
  • The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting."
  • The difference between the impossible and the possible lies in a person's determination.
  • The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks. And did he? Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.
  • The door to a balanced success opens widest on the hinges of hope and encouragement.
  • The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • The early worm gets caught.
  • The easiest way to get rich is to start your own religion. - L. Ron Hubbard.
  • The fact that no-one understands you does NOT make you an artist
  • The fight we had last night was my fault, my wife asked me what was on the TV and i said dust.
  • The first and the best victory is to conquer self.
  • The first boat people were white!
  • The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
  • The first responsibility of a leader is to define reality. The last is to say thank you. In between, the leader is a servant.
  • The food in our school canteen is perfect. If your a bug!
  • The four essential elements: Means, Motive, Opportunity and Chocolate!
  • The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.
  • The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
  • The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  • The good old days: When sex was dirty and Michael Jackson was black.
  • The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.
  • The grass is always greener on TV!
  • The grass is brown on both sides of the fence.
  • The great dividing line between success and failure can be expressed in five words: I did not have time.
  • The great end of life is not knowledge but action.
  • The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
  • The greater the difficulty the more glory in surmounting it.
  • The greatest administrators do not achieve production through constraints and limitations. They provide opportunities.
  • The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind.
  • The greatest happiness of life it is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.
  • The greatness of a nation and its moral progress, can be judged by the way its animals are treated-gandhi
  • The harder you work, the luckier you get.
  • The haves and the have-nots can often be traced to the dids and the did-nots.
  • The health of the people is really the foundation upon which all their happiness and all their powers as a state depend.
  • The higher up you go, the more gentle you have to reach down to help other people succeed.
  • The highest form of ignorance is to reject something you know nothing about.
  • The hog was a failure as a TV talk show host What happened? He turned out to be a big boar.
  • The hope of a secure and livable world lies with disciplined nonconformists who are dedicated to justice, peace and brotherhood.
  • The horizon is out there somewhere, and you just keep chasing it, looking for it, and working for it.
  • The hotel we stayed in for our holiday offered bed and board, but it was impossible to say which was the bed and which was the board.
  • The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in times of great moral crisis, maintain their neutrality. - Dante
  • The human mind is not rich enough to drive many horses abreast and wants one general scheme, under which it strives to bring everything.
  • The impersonal hand of government can never replace the helping hand of a neighbor.
  • The important thing is to dare to dream big, and then take action to make it come true.
  • The indispensable first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: decide what you want.
  • The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
  • The judge said to his dentist: Pull my tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
  • The key to successful leadership today is influence, not authority.
  • The kids are crazy about a new piglet toy. When they wind it up, it eats all the spinach off their plates.
  • The kids drive me crazy. I drive them everywhere!
  • The kindest thing you can do for the people you care about is to become a happy, joyous person.
  • The last of the human freedoms is to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances.
  • The last time I saw a face like yours I threw it a banana.
  • The last time religion got involved in politics, they burned people at the stake
  • The last time they combined religion and government, people got burned at the stake.
  • The leader has to be practical and a realist, yet must talk the language of the visionary and the idealist.
  • The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to recent cutbacks.
  • The longer the title the less important the job.
  • The lord is my shepherd, but he's looking for a better job!
  • The lottery is a tax for people who are bad at math.
  • The main problem with Baptists is: They don't hold them under long enough
  • The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
  • The major difference between death and taxes is that Congress can't make death any worse than it is.
  • The majority of men meet with failure because of their lack of persistence in creating new plans to take the place of those which fail.
  • The male sex drive prevents extinction. The female sex drive prevents overpopulation.
  • The man who can drive himself further once the effort gets painful is the man who will win.
  • The man who does not take pride in his own performance performs nothing in which to take pride.
  • The man who goes farthest is generally the one who is willing to do and dare. The sure-thing boat never gets far from shore.
  • The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it.
  • The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.
  • The media are only as liberal as the conservative businesses that own them
  • The meek shall inherit the Earth. The rest of us are going to the stars!
  • The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it.
  • The meeting of preparation with opportunity generates the offspring we call luck.
  • The men who succeed best in public life are those who take the risk of standing by their own convictions.
  • The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
  • The monster spent a fortune on deodorants before he found out that people didn't like him anyway.
  • The more I learn about terrorism, the better I understand the phone company
  • The more of wisdom we know, the more we may earn. That man who seeks to learn more of his craft shall be richly rewarded.
  • The more people I meet, the more I like my cat.
  • The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
  • The more things change the more they suck!
  • The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
  • The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
  • The most practical, beautiful, workable philosophy in the world won't work-if you won't.
  • The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
  • The most profound things are inexpressible
  • The most vital test of a man's character is not how he behaves after success, but how he sustains defeat.
  • The mountain won't come to Muhammad. Jesus keeps moving the thing.
  • The new is nothing but a restatement of the old
  • The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault.
  • The nurse who can smile when things go wrong is probably going off duty.
  • The office of government is not to confer happiness, but to give men the opportunity to work out happiness for themselves.
  • The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
  • The only disability in life is a bad attitude.
  • The only discipline that lasts is self-discipline.
  • The only good luck many great men ever had was being born with the ability and determination to overcome bad luck.
  • The only good thing to ever come out of Oklahoma:An empty greyhound.
  • The only real failure in life is one not learned from.
  • The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.
  • The only trouble with Baptists is they don't hold them under long enough.
  • The only way around is through.
  • The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity.
  • The only worthwhile achievements of man are those which are socially useful.
  • The opposite of progress is Congress.
  • The optimist sees opportunity in every danger; the pessimist sees danger in every opportunity.
  • The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."
  • The person who has earned love the least needs it the most.
  • The person who really thinks learns quite as much from his failures as from his successes.
  • The police are looking for a thief with one eye Why don't they use two?
  • The postman is wearing sexy shorts today!
  • The postman just urinated in someones garden....
  • The price of greatness is responsibility.
  • The price of success is much lower than the price of failure.
  • The probability that we may fail in struggle ought not to deter us from the support of a cause we believe to be just.
  • The problem with religious texts is that the answers aren't in the back, either.
  • The programmer to his son: Here, I brought you a new basketball. Thank you, daddy, but where is the user's guide?
  • The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong.
  • The rapture was last night!
  • The real problem with Baptists is that they never quite seem to hold them under long enough.
  • The real voyage of discovery consists not in making new landscapes but in having new eyes.
  • The religious right is neither.
  • The right man is the one who seizes the moment.
  • The ripest peach is highest on the tree.
  • The road to hell is paved with Democrats
  • The road to hell is paved with Republicans
  • The road to success is usually under construction.
  • The saddest failures in life are those that come from not putting forth the power and will to succeed.
  • The saddest summary of a life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have.
  • The search for happiness is one of the chief sources of unhappiness.
  • The secret of happiness is not in doing what one likes, but in liking what one does.
  • The secret of success in life is for a man to be ready for his opportunity when it comes.
  • The seed of the soul is to serve
  • The service we render others is really the rent we pay for our room on Earth.
  • The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
  • The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called The Fission Chips.
  • The south WILL rise again.
  • The sovereign invigorator of the body is exercise, and of all the exercises walking is the best.
  • The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind.
  • The successful warrior is the average man, with laser-like focus.
  • The successful woman is the average woman--focused.
  • The sum of your actions determines what you are
  • The sweetness of victory is magnified by the effort it took to achieve it.
  • The talent of success is nothing more than doing what you can do well, and doing well whatever you do.
  • The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
  • The teacher asked Simon to say his name backwards. No mis he replied
  • The time is always right to do what is right.
  • The tourist: Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites?
  • The trouble with life is there's no background music.
  • The trouble with most jobs is the resemblance to being in a dog sled team. No one gets a change of scenery, except the lead dog.
  • The trouble with political jokes is that they get elected.
  • The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
  • The truth is out there. Trust no one. Deny everything.
  • The truth of the matter is that there's nothing you can't accomplish if you notice what works or not.
  • The ultimate is not to win, but to reach within the depths of your capabilities and to compete against yourself.
  • The urge to scream tells me I must be at work.
  • The victory of success is half won when one gains the habit of work.
  • The waist is a terrible thing to mind.
  • The way I drive, I've gotta have Faith! The way to a man's heart is between the fourth and fifth ribs
  • The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
  • The will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full potential... these are the keys.
  • The world is a looking glass and gives back to every man the reflection of his own face.
  • The worst day of fishing is better than the best day at work!
  • Theists think all gods but theirs are false. Atheists simply don't make an exception for the last one.
  • Then there was the Puerto Rican surgeon who made medical history. He performed the first appendix transplant.
  • There are 3 kinds of people: Those who can count & those who can't.
  • There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
  • There are a lot of words you can use to describe men: strong, caring, loving. They'd be wrong, but you could still use them.
  • There are no failures - only feedback.
  • There are no great men, only great challenges that ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet.
  • There are not enough hours in the day for all the bitching I need to do.
  • There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men:don't and stop.
  • There are three kinds of accountants in the world. Those who can count and those who can't.
  • There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
  • There are three ways a man wears his hair - parted- unparted or departed
  • There are two kinds of pedestrians: The quick and the dead.
  • There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Avalanche Barbie . . . buried in 16 feet of snow
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Banjo Barbie . . . complete with straw hat and Earl Scruggs cassette
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Banzai Barbie . . . a small tree cut into a shape that vaguely resembles Barbie
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Barbie Brain in a Jar . . . an empty jar
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Barbie-Got-Run-Over-by-a-Reindeer . . . an excellent Holiday gift idea
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Battering Ram Barbie . . . Barbie's head on the end of a battering ram
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Bearded Barbie . . . complete with tweezers
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Biker Barbie . . . complete with leathers and tattoos
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Body-Piercing Barbie . . . comes with mini-piercing gun and mini-body ornaments
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Broken Bungee Barbie . . . Barbie doll lying broken on the pavement
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Bugs Barbie . . . buck teeth, long ears
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Chain Smoker Barbie . . . with Surgeon General's warning on box
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Chernobyl Barbie . . . glows in the dark
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Circus Clown Barbie . . . complete with scary face paint and scary wig
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Crash Test Barbie . . . comes with car and brick wall
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Cyberpunk Barbie . . . includes 'trodes and implants
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Cyclops Barbie . . . one eye, right in the middle of her forehead; Cyclops Ken sold separately
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Darth Vader Barbie . . . with plastic helmet; pull the string and she sounds like James Earl Jones
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Death Row Barbie . . . comes complete with cell; raunchy cellmate sold separately
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Disco Barbie . . . dressed in chiffon; inclbiudes disco ball
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Divorce Barbie . . . includes the house, the car, and half of Ken's belongings
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - East German Swim Team Barbie . . . a Barbie head on a Ken doll
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Easter Island Barbie . . . the famous statue with blonde hair
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Eye Patch Barbie . . . with a choice of eye patch colors: purple, hot pink, or aqua!
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Fast Food Barbie . . . also known as McBarbie. . . you want fries with that?
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - FrankenBarbie . . . comes with bolts through her neck
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Frozen Barbie on a Stick . . . in your grocer's frozen food section
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Funeral Home Barbie . . . complete with hearse, coffin and kicky little shroud
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Gangsta Barbie . . . complete set of Raiders apparel; rap cassette included
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Godzilla Barbie . . . six foot tall lizard with Barbie head
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Grunge Barbie . . . with flannel shirt and a goatee
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Headgear Barbie . . . guaranteed to make kids with braces feel better!
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Hippie Barbie . . . complete with simulated controlled substances and paraphernalia
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Hiroshima Barbie . . . just a shadow of her former self
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Hockey Barbie . . . comes with hockey stick and missing teeth
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Homeless Barbie . . . complete with stolen K-Mart shopping cart
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Human Cannonball Barbie . . . complete with spring-loaded cannon that will shoot her 15-20 feet
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Hunchback Barbie . . . pull the string and she cries, Sanctuary! Sanctuary!
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Joan of Arc Barbie . . . comes with stake, kindling, and matches
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Jock Barbie . . . looks like Dennis Rodman
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Joker Barbie . . . Barbie with Joker grin and white face
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Junkie Barbie . . . complete with needle tracks
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - King Kong Barbie . . . six foot tall ape holding Barbie doll dressed like Fae Rae
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Kleptomaniac Barbie . . . doll with suction cup hands
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Lion Tamer Barbie . . . lion is included; Barbie's head is not
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Lumberjack Barbie . . . sleeps all night, works all day
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Mafia Victim Barbie . . . feet set in cement--she really sinks!
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Manic-Depressive Barbie . . . with a set of Oriental throwing knives
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Marie Antionette Barbie . . . with removable head; guillotine included
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Marsha Clark Barbie . . . with a bad haircut and a bad attitude
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Medusa Barbie . . . Barbie with snakes for hair
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Mick Jagger Barbie . . . Mick with Barbie's head. . . but Mick's lips
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Microsoft Barbie . . . Barbie doll with Bill Gates' head
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Militant Femminist Barbie . . . with an assault rifle
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Mortal Kombat Barbie . . . includes more blood than you can even imagine
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Picasso Barbie . . . everything's in the wrong place
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Power Ranger Barbie . . . with karate-chop action; complete with the ridiculous outfit
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Princess Leia Barbie . . . Barbie with the hairdo from Star Wars
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Rastafarian Barbie . . . she has dreadlocks and ganja, mon!
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Roadkill Barbie . . . unrecognizable
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Safari Barbie . . . with rifle, pith helmet, and pygmy guide
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Shock Therapy Barbie . . . car battery and wires included
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Siamese Twins Barbie . . . complete with surgical instruments
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Steamroller Barbie . . . doll squashed flat
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Sumo Barbie . . . comes with thong
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - T2 Barbie . . . a study in silver
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Tasmanian Barbie . . . spins like a top!
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Teenage Mutant Ninja Barbie . . . one of the Turtles with Barbie head
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Tonya Harding Barbie . . . you didn't think we'd sell one without the other, did you?
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Tool Time Barbie . . . ncludes tool belt, which she has no idea what to do with
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Trailer Trash Barbie . . . complete with double wide trailer home
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Tree Hugger Barbie . . . pull the string and she spouts environmentalist rhetoric
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Venus de Milo Barbie . . . made of rock; no head, no arms
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Werewolf Barbie . . . normal doll, except under a full moon
  • There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Witch Doctor Barbie . . . with potions and face paints
  • There is no God higher than Truth!
  • There is no achievement without goals.
  • There is no chance, no destiny, no fate, That can circumvent or hinder or control, The firm resolve of a determined soul.
  • There is no failure except in no longer trying.
  • There is no freedom OF religion without freedom FROM religion.
  • There is no loneliness greater than the loneliness of a failure. The failure is a stranger in his own house.
  • There is nothing like a dream to create the future.
  • There was an awful fight at the seafood restaurant. Four fish got battered!
  • There was the Florida State defensive tackle who thought Hertz Van Rentals was a famous Dutch painter.
  • There were four cats in a boat, one jumped out. How many were left? None. They were all copy cats!
  • There were ten zebras in the zoo. All but nine escaped. How many were left? Nine!
  • There will always be a Frontier where there is an open mind and a willing hand.
  • There's a sucker reborn every minute - PT Robertson
  • There's a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days. It's called Monday.
  • There's no Police like Holmes
  • There's no business like show business, but there's no job like a blowjob.
  • There's no future in time travel.
  • There's no limit to what a man can achieve, if he doesn't care who gets the credit.
  • There's one advantage to being 102. There's no peer pressure.
  • There's one in every crowd and they always find me.
  • There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
  • There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
  • There's too much youth; how about a fountain of smart.
  • These two blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would have seen it.
  • They are able because they think they are able.
  • They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken.
  • They couldn't repair my brakes, so they made my horn louder.
  • They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum
  • They may break our hearts, but not our Spirit!
  • They now have an Italian airline that flies out of Genoa. It's called Genitalia.
  • They said it couldn't be done and I proved it.
  • They say Margaret is a raving beauty. You mean she's escaped from the funny farm?
  • They say she has a sharp tongue. Yes, she can slice bread with it.
  • They say that it's tough to learn Bosnian because it has seven verb tenses: six past, one present, and no future.
  • They told me I was gullible... and I believe them.
  • They're Lying
  • They're not going to grow bananas any longer. Really? Why not? Because they're long enough already.
  • They're not hot flashes...they're POWER SURGES!
  • They're perfectly matched. He's blinded by love and her looks are out of sight!
  • Things are a lot more like they used to be than they are now.
  • Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out.
  • Think this looks bad? You should see the front.
  • This became a credo of mine . . . attempt the impossible in order to improve your work.
  • This birthday cake certainly is crunchy. Maybe you should spit out the plate!
  • This blonde is so stupid, she called me to get my telephone number!
  • This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven by a moron.
  • This car is like my husband, if it ain't yours don't touch it!
  • This car stops for all roadkills.
  • This girl wanted to marry a ghost. I can't think what possessed her.
  • This is Not an abandoned vehicle.
  • This is my other car!
  • This is your brain (Pentacle) This is your brain on drugs (Inverted Pentacle)
  • This isn't a life it's a forced March!
  • This man says to his friend, I stopped driving 10 years ago. Now my wife drives and I just sit there and hold the wheel.
  • This may not be the Mayflower, but your daughter came across in it.
  • This one step - choosing a goal and sticking to it - changes everything.
  • This truck belongs to me. Everything else belongs to her
  • This truck has been in 15 accidents... and hasn't lost one yet!
  • This vehicle is insured by Smith&Wesson.
  • This would be really funny if it weren't happening to Me.
  • Those valleys of discouragement make more beautiful the peaks of achievement.
  • Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.
  • Those who can, Teach. Those who cannot teach ARE RUNNING THE SCHOOLS!
  • Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
  • Thou shall not steal... my automobile!
  • Thought creates character.
  • Thoughts lead on to purposes; purposes go forth in action; actions form habits; habits decide character; and character fixes our destiny.
  • Three blondes walked into a bar. You'd think that one of them would have seen it.
  • Three great essentials to achieve anything worthwhile are, first, hard work; second, stick-toitiveness; third, common sense.
  • Time and money spent in helping men do more for themselves is far better than mere giving.
  • Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
  • Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
  • Time is Nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.
  • Time is our most valuable asset, yet we tend to waste it, kill it, and spend it rather than invest it.
  • Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
  • Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
  • Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
  • Time spent laughing is time spent with the gods.
  • Tired of being around? Call Dr. Jack.
  • Tithe if you love Jesus. Any fool can honk
  • To a Cat, People are just Furniture that does Tricks.
  • To a dog, you're one of the family. To a cat, you're one of the help.
  • To all you virgins out there, thanks for nothing!
  • To all you virgins... thanks for nothing.
  • To better the lives of others is one of your life's greatest rewards.
  • To command is to serve, nothing more and nothing less.
  • To do is to be. (Descartes) To be is to do. (Voltaire) Do be do be do. (Sinatra)
  • To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.
  • To err is human. To really foul things up requires computers.
  • To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer
  • To err is human; but to really mess things up requires a computer.
  • To find out what one is fitted to do and to secure an opportunity to do it is the key to happiness.
  • To get rich never your risk your health. For it is the truth that health is the wealth of wealth.
  • To hell with the Baptists. I'm going to Disneyland.
  • To hell with the dog, beware of the owner
  • To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.
  • To improve the golden moment of opportunity and catch the good that is within our reach is the great art of life.
  • To insure good health: Eat lightly, breathe deeply, live moderately, cultivate cheerfulness, and maintain an interest in life.
  • To me success would be to be able to do your very best in everything you do.
  • To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
  • To some it's a six-pack. To me it's a support group.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research
  • To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to.
  • To whom do fish go to borrow money? The loan shark!
  • To you its a 6 pack, To me its a support group.
  • Today I saw a baby who had put on five stone in weight in two weeks by drinking elephant's milk. Whose baby was it? The elephant's!
  • Today is my twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. Really? Yes, I've been married twenty-five times!
  • Today isn't your day. Tommorrow isn't looking too hot, either.
  • Today knowledge has power. It controls access to opportunity and advancement.
  • Today's subliminal message is: ( )
  • Tolkien is Hobbit-forming.
  • Tom: What did the banana say to the elephant? Nick: I don't know. Tom: Nothing. Bananas can't talk.
  • Too Bad This Thing Can't Do 666 Mph.
  • Too bad stupidity isn't painful.
  • Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem more afraid of life than death.
  • Toonces is my co-pilot.
  • Tourist: Is this 99 Main Street? Resident: No, it's 66, but we turn it upside down to confuse people.
  • Tourist: The flies are awfully thick around here. Don't you ever shoo them? Native: No, we just let them go barefoot.
  • Tourist: What's the speed limit in this hick town? Native: We don't have one. You strangers can't get out of here fast enough for us.
  • Tow-ers will be violated!
  • Tower: Cannot read you, say again! Pilot: Again!
  • Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not? Pilot: Yes. Tower: Yes what? ? Pilot: Yes, SIR!
  • Tower: Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago? Pilot: Negativ, Sir. It's only the same pilot.
  • Tower: Lufthansa 893, you're number one, check for workers on the taxiway. Pilot: Roger . . . . . We've checked, they're all working.
  • Tower: Shamu two-two, please state estimated time of arrival. Pilot: Ok, let's see. . . , I think Tuesday would be nice. . .
  • Tower: What's your heigth and position? Pilot: Well, I'm 6 foot tall and I'm sitting front left.
  • Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
  • Trouble is only opportunity in work clothes.
  • True knowledge never shuts the door on more knowledge, but zeal often does.
  • Trust God, He cares.
  • Trust God, She cares.
  • Trust in Allah, but tie up your camel.
  • Trust in God, but lock your car.
  • Trust in God. She will provide.
  • Trust me, I work for the government!
  • Trust me, I'm a lawyer!
  • Trust men and they will be true to you; treat them greatly, and they will show themselves great.
  • Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life.
  • Try a little coven lovin' (Heart w/Pentacle)
  • Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.
  • Turn back to God, America.
  • Turtle to turtle: Don't ya just love the sound of rain on your roof?
  • Twenty-four hours in a day. . . twenty-four beers in a case. . . coincidence?
  • Twitter Noob Lonely :(
  • Twitter: n: A device for playful banter without showing you my 9,000 boring pictures.
  • Two Scots, father and son, go to America. - Daddy, when we'll arrive? - Shut up and swim.
  • Two astronauts went to a bar on the moon, but they left after a few minutes? You see, it had no atmosphere!
  • Two blind man at a cinema: Can you see something? No. Then let's go in front!
  • Two elephants jumped off a cliff. . . . . . . BOOM BOOM!
  • Two fonts walk into a line dance club. The barman says to them, Get out. We don't serve your type here.
  • Two guys are talking:(1) - I've bought a tour to my mother-in-law. (2) - Your mother-in-law? ? ? ! ! ! (1) - Why not, to Bagdad.
  • Two men walked into a bar. You would think at least one of them would have ducked.
  • Two mosquitoes were buzzing round when they saw a drunken man. One said to the other, You bite him? I'm driving.
  • Two owls were playing pool. One said, Two hits. The other replied, Two hits to who?
  • Two parrots are sitting on a perch. The first one says to the other can you smell fish? .
  • Two pigs robbed a bank. Why were they caught so quickly? They squealed on each other.
  • Two weathermen each broke an arm and a leg in an accident, and called from the hospital about the four casts.
  • Two wrongs don't make a right but three rights make a left.
  • Tyson's psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood. . . . good thing he didn't say two!
  • UFO's are real. It's the Air Force that doesn't exist!
  • UR MOMA IS SO HAIRY THAT HARRY POTTER GOT JEALOUS.
  • Unborn Babies Are People, Too
  • Under Republicans, man exploits man. Under Democrats, it's exactly the opposite!
  • Under protection of the Goddess.
  • Unicorns aren't mythical ... virgins are!
  • United We Stand!
  • United We Stand. Divided we Fall!
  • Unless a man undertakes more than he possibly can do, he will never do all that he can.
  • Unless you are the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
  • Unless you walk out into the unknown, the odds of making a difference in your life are pretty low.
  • Unless you're a hemorrhoid, get off my ass!
  • Unless you're the lead dog, the view doesn't change!
  • Unless you're willing to have a go, fail miserably, and have another go, success won't happen.
  • Untie Dexlysics!
  • Until input (thought) is linked to a goal (purpose) there can be no intelligent accomplishment.
  • Ur mama is sooo fat, she sat on a dollar and made 4 quarters pop out.
  • Use CAUTION!
  • Usenet is cheaper than drugs, just as addictive, but you have to know how to read!
  • Vampires Suck!
  • Vasectomies stop abortions.
  • Vegetables aren't food. Vegetables are what food eats.
  • Vegetarian, Indian for poor hunter.
  • Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.
  • Vegetarians taste better!
  • Veni, Vedi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I got stuck.
  • Veni, vidi, velcro: I came, I saw, I stuck around.
  • Very Pagan Person!
  • Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
  • Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.
  • Viagra Lite: For people who only want to masturbate
  • Victim (to mugger): But my watch isn't any good, it only has sentimental value. Mugger: That's all right. I'm sentimental.
  • Victims and suspects and clues, oh my!
  • Victory is always possible for the person who refuses to stop fighting.
  • Virtue is it's own punishment.
  • Vision without action is merely a dream. Action without vision just passes the time. Vision with action can change the world.
  • Visitor: You're very quiet, Jennifer. Jennifer: Well, my mum gave me a dollar not to say anything about your red nose.
  • Visualize Whirled Peas!
  • Visualize this thing you want. See it, feel it, believe in it. Make your mental blueprint and begin.
  • Vote Conservative! There's no mistake like an old mistake!
  • Vote Democrat - it's easier than working!
  • Vote Republican. It's much easier than thinking.
  • W.A.S.P. White Anglo Saxon Pagan!
  • WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the world. Proceed with caution.
  • WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
  • WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
  • WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
  • WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
  • WIFE: The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie. HUSBAND: Which is this?
  • WWJD -- Why Won't Jesus Drive?
  • WWJD for a klondike bar?
  • Wage Peace!
  • Waiter (serving soup): It looks like rain today. Patron: Yes it does, but it smells like soup.
  • Waiter on ocean liner: Would you like the menu, sir? Monster: No thanks, just bring me the passenger list.
  • Waiter! Have you got frogs' legs? No, sir, I always walk this way
  • Waiter! Waiter! This salad is frozen solid. Yes, sir. It's the iceberg lettuce that does it.
  • Waiter, I can't eat this meat, it's crawling with maggots! Quick, run to the other end of the table and grab it as it goes by!
  • Waiter, I can't seem to find any oysters in this oyster soup. Would you expect to find angels in angel cake?
  • Waiter, I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream. I'm sorry, sir, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?
  • Waiter, Waiter there's a fly in my ice-cream! Gee I did not know that they had started winter sports so early in the year!
  • Waiter, are there snails on the menu! Yes sir, they must have escaped from the kitchen!
  • Waiter, can you get rid of this fly in my starter! I can't do that sir, he's not had his main course yet!
  • Waiter, is there soup on the menu? No, madam I wiped it off!
  • Waiter, my lunch is talking to me! Well you did ask for a tongue sandwich!
  • Waiter, there is a bee in my alphabet soup! Yes sir, and I'm sure there is an A, C and all the other letters too!
  • Waiter, there is a cockroach on my steak! They don't seem to care what they eat do they sir!
  • Waiter, there is a dead fly in my soup! No its not, it's a piece of dirt that looks like one!
  • Waiter, there is a fly in my bean soup! Don't worry sir I'll fish him out and exchange it for a bean!
  • Waiter, there is a fly in my soup! Hold on sir, I'll get the fly spray!
  • Waiter, there is a fly in my soup! I know, but unfortunately we are out of turtle.
  • Waiter, there is a fly in my soup! Sorry sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.
  • Waiter, there is a fly in my soup! Yes sir, thats the manager, the last customer was a witch doctor!
  • Waiter, there is a fly in my wine! Well you did ask for something with a little body in it!
  • Waiter, there is a frog in my soup! Don't worry sir there isn't enough there to drown him!
  • Waiter, there is a maggot in my soup! Don't worry sir, he won't last long in there!
  • Waiter, there is a mosquito in my soup! Don't worry sir, they don't eat much!
  • Waiter, there is a spider drowning in my soup! It hardly looks deep enough to drown in sir!
  • Waiter, there is a worm on my plate! That's not a worm sir, it's your sausage?
  • Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup! What do you expect for $1 - a live one?
  • Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup! Yes sir, it's the hot water that kills them.
  • Waiter, there's a fly in my custard! I'll fetch him a spoon sir!
  • Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! Couldn't be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread.
  • Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! Don't worry sir, the spider on the breadroll will get 'em.
  • Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! Force of habit, sir. Our chef used to be a tailor.
  • Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! Its OK, Sir, there's no extra charge!
  • Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! Keep it down sir, or they'll all be wanting one.
  • Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! No sir, that's a cockroach, the fly is on your steak.
  • Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! Surely not, sir. It must be one of those vitamin bees you hear so much about.
  • Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! Yes, it's the rotting meat that attracts them!
  • Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup! Then we've served you too much soup, the fly should be wading
  • Waiter, this coffee tastes like dirt! Yes sir, thats because it was only ground this morning.
  • Waiter, waiter! There's a dead fly in my soup. Oh no! Who's going to look after his family?
  • Waiter, waiter! There's a dead spider in my soup. Yes, ma'am, they can't stand the boiling water.
  • Waiter, waiter! There's a mosquito in my soup. Don't worry sir, mosquitoes have very small appetites!
  • Waiter, waiter! There's a spider in my soup. Send for the manager! It's no good, sir, he's frightened of them, too.
  • Waiter, waiter! There's a wasp in my dessert. So that's where they go to in the winter.
  • Waiter, waiter! What's this creepy crawly thing doing in my dinner? Oh, that one? he comes here every night.
  • Waiter, waiter, do you have frog's legs? Certainly, Sir! Well hop over here and get me a sandwich!
  • Waiter, waiter, does the pianist play requests? Yes, sir. Then ask him to play tiddlywinks until I've finished my meal.
  • Waiter, waiter, there's a bee in my soup. Yes Sir, it's the fly's day off.
  • Waiter, waiter, there's a hand in my soup. That's not your soup, sir, that's your finger bowl.
  • Waiter, waiter, this lobster's only got one claw. It must have been in a fight, sir. Then bring me the winner.
  • Waiter, what is this bug doing on my wives shoulder! I don't know - friendly thing isn't he!
  • Waiter, what is this cockroach doing on my ice cream sundae? Skiing sir!
  • Waiter, what is this creepy-crawly doing in my salad? Not him again, he's in here every night!
  • Waiter, what is this hare doing in my salad? I believe he's eating your lettuce.
  • Waiter, what is this stuff? That's bean salad sir. I know what it's been, but what is it now?
  • Waiter, what's this bug doing waltzing around my table! It's the band, sir, they are playing his tune!
  • Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup? It's fly soup sir!
  • Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup? Um, looks to me to be backstroke, sir
  • Waiter, your tie is in my soup! That's all right, sir, it's not shrinkable.
  • Waiter: I'm sorry I spilled a glass of water on you. Diner: That's all right. My suit is too large anyway.
  • Waiter: I'm sorry to keep you waiting. Your soup will be ready soon. Customer: What bait are you using?
  • Waiter: If you know the food here is so lousy, why do you keep coming back? Customer: It reminds me of my ex-wife's cooking.
  • Waiter: These are the best eggs we've had for years. Diner: Well, bring me some you haven't had around for that long.
  • Waiter: Why are you taking so long to order? Diner: I can't decide whether I want heartburn or nausea.
  • Waiter: Why didn't you make all the food on that long order? Cook: Because I'm a short order cook.
  • Walk by faith, not by sight!
  • Wanna get laid? Just crawl up a chicken's ass and wait!
  • Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister!
  • Want to be Jesus? I'll get the cross if you get the nails.
  • Want to buy a pocket computer? No, thanks, I already know how many pockets I've got.
  • Want to know how to amuse a blonde for hours? Write please turn over on both sides of the paper!
  • Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
  • War is God's way of teaching geography.
  • Warning Invisible Dragon in Back Seat
  • Warning! Dates on Calendar are closer than they appear.
  • Warning! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
  • Warning! Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.
  • Warning! I have an attitude and i know how to use it!
  • Warning! I intentionally run over small, furry animals.
  • Warning! I know KARATE!! (and seven other chinese words)
  • Warning! Literal Belief In This Book May Endanger Your Health And Life.
  • Warning: mental backup in progress.
  • Wars are not fought to decide who is right.. Only who is left.
  • Was Jesus into body piercing 2000 years ahead of his time?
  • Was it a rich or a smart person who said: "Money can't buy happiness."?
  • Was the crucifixion just a dice game that got terribly, terribly out of hand?
  • Was today really necessary?
  • Watch out for the idiot behind me.
  • We All come from the Goddess
  • We Pray Too
  • We aim above the mark to hit the mark.
  • We all have two choices: We can make a living or we can design a life.
  • We all need lots of powerful long-range goals to help us past the short-term obstacles.
  • We are America. Prepare to be assimilated.
  • We are IBM! Windows is Irrelevant! You will be Assimilated!
  • We are Microsoft. Resistance is Futile. You will be Assimilated.
  • We are all born for love. . . . It is the principle of existence, and its only end.
  • We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse!
  • We are creatures of our thinking. We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory.
  • We are spending our kids inheritance.
  • We are the people our parents warned us about!
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.
  • We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.
  • We have a young married couple in the neighborhood who are trulyinseparable. Last week, it took four Howard County Policemen and adog.
  • We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
  • We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another. - Jonathan Swift.
  • We learn from experience. A man never wakes up his second baby just to see it smile.
  • We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.
  • We must give more in order to get more. It is the generous giving of ourselves that produce the generous harvest.
  • We must walk consciously only part way toward our goal and then leap in the dark to our success.
  • We need to talk.-- God
  • We pay a price when we deprive children of the exposure to the values, principles, and education they need to make them good citizens.
  • We should show life neither as it is nor as it ought to be, but only as we see it in our dreams.
  • We succeed only as we identify in life, or in war, or in anything else, a single overriding objective
  • We the unwilling, led by the unqualified, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful.
  • We will either find a way or make one.
  • We will either find a way, or make one.
  • We're spending our kids inheritance!
  • We're staying together for the sake of the cats!
  • We're the largest street gang in America. We're the Police!
  • Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character.
  • Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
  • Weird Enough for Government Work.
  • Weird Load!
  • Welcome to California, take someone with you when you leave.
  • Welcome to California. Now go home!
  • Welcome to Eternity...Smoking or non smoking ?
  • Welcome to Florida, now go home.
  • Welcome to Hell - I'm your caseworker.
  • Welcome to Kentucky - Set your watch back 20 years.
  • Welcome to Middle Earth. Now Go Home.
  • Welcome to Shit Creek. Sorry, we're out of paddles.
  • Welcome to South Carolina, Yankee. NOW GET THE HELL OUT!
  • Welcome to Sunny Pandaemonium, The Sinner's Playground!
  • Welcome to Texas; speak English.
  • Well behaved women rarely make history.
  • Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
  • Were any famous men born on your birthday? No, only little babies.
  • Were you in Paris on your vacation? I don't know, my wife got the tickets.
  • What 8-letter word has one letter in it? Envelope.
  • What Central American country has the most spooks? Ghosta Rica!
  • What Do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you told her twice.
  • What English King invented the fireplace? Alfred the grate!
  • What European capital has the most ghosts? Boodapest!
  • What God didn't give me, My plastic surgeon did!
  • What Mrs. Dumpty gave Humpty?
  • What South American dance do cows like to do? The Rump-a
  • What TV game show do fish like best? Name that tuna!
  • What TV station do bees watch? Bee bee c one!
  • What US state has the most cows? Moosouri!
  • What a nice night for an evening.
  • What a pity human beings can't exchange problems. Everyone knows exactly how to solve the other fellow's.
  • What advice to cows give? Turn the udder cheek and mooooove on!
  • What aftershave do monsters wear? Brute.
  • What animal always goes to bed with its shoes on? A horse!
  • What animal do you look like when you get into the bath? A little bear!
  • What animals are poor dancers? Four-legged ones, because they have two left feet.
  • What animals do you bring to bed? Your calves.
  • What animals talk on the telephone the most? The yakety-yaks!
  • What animals were last to leave the ark? The elephants as they had to pack their trunks!
  • What are Brazilian fans called? Brazil nuts!
  • What are a parrot's favourite literary characters? Mr Macawber and Pollyanna!
  • What are ants called when they run away very fast to get married? Ant-elopers.
  • What are apricots? Where monkeys sleep.
  • What are baby witches called? Halloweenies.
  • What are cows favorite party games? MOO-sical chairs!
  • What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!
  • What are four hundred rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare line.
  • What are hurricanes with a central dense overcast over the eye called? -Hurricanes with cataracts
  • What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep? A dinosnore!
  • What are pupils at ghost schools called? Ghoulboys and ghoulgirls.
  • What are spiders webs good for? Spiders!
  • What are the aardvark's favorite Beatle's songs? It's Been an Aards Day's Night and I Want to Hold Your Ant!
  • What are the cleverest bees? Spelling bees!
  • What are the hottest days during summer? Sun-days
  • What are the most athletic rodents? Track and field mice.
  • What are the pigs warned to look out for in New York? Pigpockets.
  • What are the spots on black-and-white cows? Holstaines
  • What are the three fastest means of communication? Internet, telephone, telawoman.
  • What are the two greatest lies? The check is in the mail, and I promise I won't cum in your mouth.
  • What are these things in my hair? - Gaia
  • What are three words you dread the most while making love? Honey, I'm home.
  • What are you doing? I'm trying to call Washington! Oh, haven't you heard? He's dead!
  • What are you going to be when you get out of school? An old man!
  • What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
  • What are your two favourite times to party? Daytime and night-time!
  • What asks no question but demands an answer? A doorbell or a ringing telephone.
  • What band is a cow favorite? Moody Blues
  • What bee is good for your health? Vitamin bee!
  • What bird has wings but cannot fly? Roast turkey!
  • What bird tastes just like butter? A stork!
  • What birds are found in Portugal? Portu-geese!
  • What birds spend all their time on their knees? Birds of prey!
  • What bit of fish doesn't make sense? The piece of cod that passeth all understanding!
  • What book did the rabbit take on vacation? One with a hoppy ending.
  • What brings the monster's babies? The Frankenstork.
  • What bus crossed the ocean? Columbus.
  • What business is King Kong in? Monkey business.
  • What buzzes, is black and yellow and goes along the bottom of the sea? A bee in a submarine!
  • What cake wanted to rule the world? Attila the Bun.
  • What can Santa give away and still keep? A cold.
  • What can a monster do that you can't do? Count up to 25 on his fingers.
  • What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
  • What can you do in radiation-contaminated rivers? ... Nuclear fission.
  • What car do insects drive? A Volkswagen automobile.
  • What cat purrs more than any other? Purrsians!
  • What cheese is made backwards? Edam.
  • What cloud is so lazy because it will not get up? -Fog
  • What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
  • What comes out at night and goes Munch, munch, ouch! A vampire with a rotten tooth.
  • What command does the aardvark give most often when he sails? Snout about!
  • What country do cows love to visit? Moo Zealand!
  • What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight - it's the size of the fight in the dog.
  • What couple rode a horse up a hill to fetch a pail of water? Jockey and Jill!
  • What criminal doesn't take baths? A dirty crook.
  • What dance did the Pilgrims do? The Plymouth Rock.
  • What dance do hippies hate? A square dance.
  • What dance do you do when summer is over? Tango (tan go).
  • What did Adam do when he wanted some sugar? He raised Cain.
  • What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
  • What did Adam say to Eve? Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets!
  • What did Baby Corn say to Mother Corn? Where's Pop Corn?
  • What did Bill Gate's wife say to him on their wedding night? No wonder you called the company Microsoft
  • What did Caesar say to Cleopatra? Toga-ether we can rule the world!
  • What did Cinderella Dolphin where to the ball? Glass flippers!
  • What did Clinton say when accused of copying his homework from hisgirlfriend at Oxford? I did not have textual relations with that woman.
  • What did Darth Vader say to the Internet? May the force e-with you.
  • What did Dracula say at the Christmas party? Fancy a bite?
  • What did Frankenstein's monster say when he was struck by lightning? Thanks, I needed that.
  • What did General Patton do on Thanksgiving? He gave tanks.
  • What did George Washington have to do with Gorillas? As little as possible, dummy!
  • What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common? They were all born on holidays.
  • What did God do on the eighth day? Go bowling?
  • What did God say after she made Eve? Practice makes perfect.
  • What did Hamlet say when he was thinking of sending a message? To e or not to e, that is the question.
  • What did Jack Frost say to Frosty the Snowman? Have an ice day!
  • What did King Arthur sleep with when he was afraid of the dark? A knight light
  • What did King Kong say when he saw the Statue of Liberty? Are you my mother?
  • What did Mrs Revere say when Paul got on a gorilla to warn the farmers that the British were coming? Paul, stop monkeying around!
  • What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa as they were looking out their front window? Looks like rein dear
  • What did Napoleon become when he was 41 years old? A year older on his birthday!
  • What did Noah do while spending time on the ark? Fished, but he didn't catch much. He only had two worms!
  • What did Paul Revere say when he got on his horse? Giddy up horsey!
  • What did Santa Claus's wife say during a thunderstorm? 'Come and look at the rain, dear. '
  • What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming? Here come the elephants
  • What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
  • What did one amorous flea say to the other? I love you aw-flea.
  • What did one bell say to the other? Be my valenchime!
  • What did one candle say to the other? Don't birthdays burn you up?
  • What did one car muffler say to the other car muffler? Am I exhausted!
  • What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy? You scratch my beak and I'll scratch yours!
  • What did one dairy cow say to another? Got milk?
  • What did one firefly say to the other? Got to glow now!
  • What did one flea say to the other after a night out? Shall we walk home or take a dog?
  • What did one frog say. to the other? Time's sure fun when you're having flies!
  • What did one ghost say to another? I'm sorry, but I just don't believe in people.
  • What did one keyboard say to the other keyboard? Sorry, you're not my type.
  • What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!
  • What did one mosquito say to another when they came out of the cinema? Fancy a bite?
  • What did one mouse say to the other mouse? I get a click out of you.
  • What did one of Frankenstein's ears say to the other? I didn't know we lived on the same block.
  • What did one rock pool say to the other rock pool? Show me your mussels.
  • What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.
  • What did one skunk say to another? And so do you!
  • What did one slug say to another who had hit him and rushed off? I'll get you next slime!
  • What did one snake say to another? Hiss off!
  • What did one tooth say to the other tooth? Thar's gold in them thar fills.
  • What did one tooth say to the other? Get your cap on, the dentist is taking us out tonight.
  • What did the Abominable Snowman do after he had had his teeth pulled out? He ate the dentist.
  • What did the Eskimo children sing when their principal was leaving? Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
  • What did the Eskimo schoolboy say to the Eskimo schoolgirl? What's an ice girl like you doing in a place like this?
  • What did the Gorilla call his first wife? His prime-mate!
  • What did the Gorilla do when he saw the sign, 'Clean Washroom'? He cleaned it!
  • What did the Gorilla do with the apple he was holding in his hands? He brought it to school and said, 'An Ape-lle for the teacher! '
  • What did the Loch Ness Monster say to his friend? Long time no sea.
  • What did the Pharaohs use to keep their babies quiet? Egyptian dummies.
  • What did the aardvark say when he lost the race to the ant? If you can't beat 'em, eat 'em!
  • What did the alien say to the gas pump? Don't you know its rude to stick your finger in your ear when I'm talking to you!
  • What did the alien say when his flying saucer landed in a stud farm? Take me to your breeder!
  • What did the angry man sing when he found his slippers chewed up by the new puppy? I must throw that doggie out the window! !
  • What did the answering machine say to the telephone? Take my word for it.
  • What did the apple say to the apple pie? You've got some crust.
  • What did the astronaut see on his skillet? Unidentified frying (flying) objects.
  • What did the baby chick say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange? 'Dad, dad, look what marma-laid'!
  • What did the baby dolphin do when he didn't get his way? He whale-d
  • What did the baby elephant get when the daddy elephant sneezed? Out of the way!
  • What did the baby owl's parents say when he wanted to go to a party? You're not owld enough.
  • What did the baby skunk want to be when he grew up? A big stinker!
  • What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas? Thanks, I'll never part with it!
  • What did the banana say to the vibrator? I don't know why you're shaking. . . she's gonna EAT me!
  • What did the bee say to the flower? Hello honey!
  • What did the bee say to the naughty bee? Bee-hive yourself!
  • What did the bee to the other bee in summer? Swarm here isn't it!
  • What did the bell say when it fell in the water? I'm wringing wet.
  • What did the bicycle call its dad? Pop-cycle
  • What did the big ape say when he dialed incorrectly? Oops! King Kong ring wrong.
  • What did the big carburettor say to the little carburettor? Don't inhale so fast or you'll choke.
  • What did the big cracker say to the little cracker? My pop is bigger than yours!
  • What did the big, hairy monster do when he lost a hand? He went to the second-hand shop.
  • What did the birthday balloon say to the pin? Hi, Buster.
  • What did the biscuit say when it saw two friends knocked down? Crumbs!
  • What did the black cat say to the fish? I've got a bone to pick with you!
  • What did the blonde say when she looked into the box of Cheerios? "OH LOOK!!! Donut seeds."
  • What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!
  • What did the blonde's mother say when she asked if she could lick the bowl? Just flush it like everybody else does.
  • What did the boy banana say to the girl banana? You have a lot of appeal.
  • What did the boy fish say to his girlfriend? 'Your plaice or mine'!
  • What did the bumble bee striker say? Hive scored!
  • What did the bunny say when he only had thistles to eat? Thistle have to do!
  • What did the bunny want to do when he grew up? Join the Hare Force.
  • What did the burglar give his wife for her birthday? A stole.
  • What did the burglar say to the lady who caught him stealing her silver? I'm at your service, ma'am.
  • What did the burglar say to the watchmaker as he tied him up? Sorry to take so much of your valuable time.
  • What did the bus conductor say to the frog? Hop on.
  • What did the calf say to the silo? Is my fodder in there?
  • What did the cannibal have for lunch? Baked beings (beans).
  • What did the cannibal say to the explorer? 'Nice to meat you'!
  • What did the cannibal say when he came home and found his wife chopping up a python and a pygmy? Oh no, not snake and pygmy pie again!
  • What did the cannibal say when he was full? I couldn't eat another mortal.
  • What did the cannibal's parents say when she brought her boyfriend home? 'Lovely, dear, he looks good enough to eat! '
  • What did the cat do when he swallowed some cheese? He waited by the mouse hole with baited breath!
  • What did the cat say when he lost all his money? I'm paw!
  • What did the chicken do when he saw a bucket of fried chicken? She kicked the bucket!
  • What did the city worker say after his first ever pony trek? I never knew anything stuffed with hay could be so hard!
  • What did the confused bee say? To bee or not to bee!
  • What did the cow wear to the football game? A Jersey.
  • What did the cowboy maggot say when he went into the saloon bar? Gimme a slug of whiskey.
  • What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie? Well, doggone!
  • What did the customer say to the pet shop assistant after buying a bunny? Rabbit up nicely, it's a gift!
  • What did the dentist say to the computer? . . . This won't hurt a byte
  • What did the dentist say to the golfer? You have a hole in one.
  • What did the dentist see at the North Pole? . . . A molar bear
  • What did the doctor say to the witch in hospital? With any luck you'll be able to get up for a spell.
  • What did the dog do when the panhandler put the bite on him? Bit him, naturally.
  • What did the dog do with the history professor? They got together and talked over old times.
  • What did the dog get when he multiplied 497 by 684? The wrong answer.
  • What did the dog say to the pig? You are just a bore.
  • What did the dog say when he chased his tail? This is the end.
  • What did the dog take when he was run down? The license number of the car that hit him.
  • What did the dog use to make his kite? Flypaper.
  • What did the earwig say as it fell down the stairs? Ear we go!
  • What did the egg say to the boiling water? How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago.
  • What did the egg say to the boiling water? It might take me a while to get hard I just got layed last night.
  • What did the elephant say to his girlfriend? I love you a ton!
  • What did the elephant say to the famous detective? It's ele-mentary, my dear Sherlock!
  • What did the elephant say when it saw the Chihuahuas coming down the road? Look out for the mice!
  • What did the elephant say when the man grabbed him by the tail? This is the end of me!
  • What did the envelope say to the stamp? Stick with me and we'll go places.
  • What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk? An udder failure!
  • What did the farmer say when all his cows charged him at once? I'm on the horns of a dilemma here!
  • What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Wheres my tractor!
  • What did the farmer say when his fat pig wouldn't fit into the pen? There's more there than meets the sty.
  • What did the fat pig say when the farmer dumped corn mash into the trough? I'm afraid that's all going to waist.
  • What did the female mushroom say about the male mushroom? He's a real fun guy [fungi].
  • What did the fireman say when the church caught on fire? Holy smoke!
  • What did the fireman's wife get for Christmas? A ladder in her stocking!
  • What did the fish do when his piano sounded odd? He called the piano tuna!
  • What did the footballer say when he accidentally burped during a game? Sorry, it was a freak hic!
  • What did the ghost serve at his Halloween party? Hallowieners!
  • What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
  • What did the great Ape say as he plummeted from the skyscraper? Listen baby, I think I'm falling for you!
  • What did the great Ape shout to the pilots who tried to shoot him off the skyscraper? Listen, hotshots, don't monkey around with me!
  • What did the hail storm say to the roof? -Hang onto your shingles, this will be no ordinary sprinkles
  • What did the hamburger say when it found out that most people liked hamburgers better than frankfurters? 'Hot dog! '
  • What did the hamburger say when it pleaded 'not guilty'? I've been flamed!
  • What did the hamburgers say to the butcher who acted on a TV show? Welcome back, Cutter!
  • What did the horse say to whinnie the pooh while watching his t. v. show? I wish I could hear you whinnie.
  • What did the hotel manager say to the elephant that couldn't pay his bill? Pack your trunk and clear out!
  • What did the hungry Dalmatian say when he had a meal? That hit the spots!
  • What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold unto your nuts-This is no ordinary Blow Job!
  • What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? -Hang onto your leaves, this will be no ordinary breeze
  • What did the hypnotist say when he got his own website. . . . Hyp, Hyp Hooray.
  • What did the ice cream say to the unhappy cake? Hey, what's eating you?
  • What did the idiot do to the flea in his ear? Shot it!
  • What did the impatient waiter ask the gluttonous aardvark? Is that your final ant, sir!
  • What did the jack say to the car? Can I give you a lift?
  • What did the judge say when a skunk entered the courtroom? Answer: Odor, Odor in the court! ! !
  • What did the judge say when the skunk was on trial? Odour in court!
  • What did the left nut say to the right nut? The guy in the middle thinks he is so hard!
  • What did the lightning bolt say to the old oak tree? -Hang onto your bark, this will be no ordinary spark
  • What did the lions say to his cubs when he taught them to hunt? 'Don't go over the road till you see the zebra crossing. '
  • What did the little ghost eat for lunch? A booloney sandwich!
  • What did the little ghost give his mom for Mother's Day? A booquet of flowers.
  • What did the little kid do with the dead battery? He buried it.
  • What did the maggot say to another? What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this!
  • What did the maggot say to his friend when he got stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one!
  • What did the magician say when he made his rabbit disappear? Hare today, gone tomorrow.
  • What did the mama pig say to her bad little piglet? Behave or Frankenswine will get you.
  • What did the mama pig say when junior pig bought a basket of wormy apples? Don't tell the farmer. He might charge us extra.
  • What did the man do when he got a big gas bill? He exploded.
  • What did the man put on his car when the weather was cold? An extra muffler.
  • What did the man say when he got a big phone bill? Who said talk is cheap?
  • What did the maths homework website say to the geometry website? Boy do we have problems.
  • What did the metric alien say? Take me to your litre!
  • What did the monster say to his psychiatrist? 'I feel abominable. '
  • What did the monster say to the Thanksgiving turkey? Pleased to eat you!
  • What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
  • What did the mooron say when he saw the milk cartons in the grass? Hey! Look at the cow's nest!
  • What did the mother ghost say to the naughty baby ghost? Spook when you're spooken to.
  • What did the mother ghost tell the kid ghost when he went out to play? Don't get your sheets dirty!
  • What did the mother snake say to her crying baby? Stop crying and viper your nose!
  • What did the mouse say to the webcam? Cheese.
  • What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth? Hard cheese.
  • What did the mummy snake say to the crying baby snake? Stop crying and viper your nose.
  • What did the naughty rabbit leave for Easter? Deviled eggs!
  • What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer? You take me for grunted.
  • What did the overweight ballet dancer perform? The dance of the sugar plump fairy!
  • What did the painter say to her boyfriend? I love you with all my art!
  • What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost. Fasten your sheet belt.
  • What did the parrot say on Independence Day? Polly wants a firecracker!
  • What did the parrot say when he saw a duck? Polly want a quacker!
  • What did the parrot say when he was using the Internet? P. Cs of eight, P. Cs of eight.
  • What did the pay phone say when the quarter got stuck inside it? Money's tight these days!
  • What did the pig call a manuscript? A shoat story.
  • What did the pig do when a beetle landed in his feed trough? He ate it quickly, before the others could ask him to share.
  • What did the pig say when he found a line of ants in his trough? Mmm. Canapes.
  • What did the pig say when his brother rolled on him? Heavy!
  • What did the pig say when it found a fly in its soup? Yum Yum.
  • What did the pig say when the wolf grabbed her tail? That's the end of me!
  • What did the police officer say to his stomach? I've got you under a vest.
  • What did the primary rainbow say to the secondary rainbow? -Your pants are on backwards
  • What did the rabbit bride get on her wedding day? A forty-carrot wedding ring.
  • What did the really ugly man do for a living? He posed for Halloween masks!
  • What did the really ugly man do for a living? He posed for Halloween masks.
  • What did the rich socialite's parrot say? Polly want a cracker, with cavier please!
  • What did the ruthless businessman say to his employees? If at first you don't succeed - you're fired!
  • What did the sardine call the submarine? A can of people!
  • What did the sausage say when it couldn't log on to the Internet? If at first you don't succeed Fry, Fry again
  • What did the scornful owl say? Twit twoo.
  • What did the silly boy take his bicycle to bed with him? Because he didn't want to walk in his sleep.
  • What did the slug say as he slipped down the window very fast? How slime flies!
  • What did the snake say to the cornered rat? Hiss is the end of the line for you!
  • What did the snake say when another asked him the time? Don't asp me!
  • What did the snake say when he was offered a piece of cheese for dinner? Thank you, I'll just have a slither.
  • What did the snake say when offered a piece of cheese? Thanks, I'll just have a sliver!
  • What did the snowman order at MacDonalds? Icerbergers with chilli sauce!
  • What did the spider say to the bee? Your honey or your life!
  • What did the spider say to the fly? We're getting married do you want to come to the webbing?
  • What did the spider say when he broke his new web? Darn it!
  • What did the stamp say to the envelope? I've become attached to you.
  • What did the stupid ghost do? He used to climb over walls.
  • What did the teacher say after spending thousands in the expensive hotel? I'm sorry to leave, now that I've almost bought the place.
  • What did the tooth say to the dentist? Fill 'er up!
  • What did the tooth say to the departing dentist? . . . Fill me in when you get back
  • What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter? Quack! Quack! Quack!
  • What did the vampire call his false teeth? A new fangled device.
  • What did the vampire do to stop his son biting his nails? He cut all his fingers off!
  • What did the werewolf eat after he'd had his teeth taken out? The dentist.
  • What did the werewolf write at the bottom of the letter? Best vicious . . .
  • What did the wife say to the undertaker when he started hitting his broken down car? Stop beating a dead hearse!
  • What did the wife spider say to her husband when he tried to explain why he was late? Your spinning me a yarn here!
  • What did the witch say to the ugly toad? I'd put a curse on you - but somebody beat me to it!
  • What did the woodworm say to the chair? It's been nice gnawing you!
  • What did the worm say to the other when he was late home? Where in earth have you been!
  • What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
  • What did the young witch say to her mother? Can I have the keys to the broom tonight!
  • What did the young witch say to her mother? Can I have the keys to the broom tonight?
  • What did they call Dracula when he won the league? The champire!
  • What did they call it when NHL officials refused to allow a hamburger to play hockey in the league? Rink injustice!
  • What did they call the canary that flew into the pastry dish? Tweetie Pie!
  • What did they do at the Boston Tea Party? I don't know, I wasn't invited!
  • What did they do to the burger who thought he was a rooster? Cook-a-doodle-do!
  • What did they say about the burger who went skiing for the first time? How the meaty have fallen!
  • What did they tell the burger who enlisted in the Army? You've got no beef, soldier!
  • What did you call a dinosaur that keeps you awake at night? Bronto-snore-us!
  • What did you get for your birthday? Another year!
  • What did you learn in school today? Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!
  • What did you say to the policeman who spent eight hours on the Internet? Oh give it arrest.
  • What did you think of our website? A little bit tacky.
  • What didn't Adam and Eve have that everyone else has? Parents.
  • What diploma do criminals get? The third degree.
  • What disease do horses fear most? Hay Fever!
  • What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? They both have 'the' as their middle names!
  • What do Filipinos call Canada? Upper U. S.
  • What do French pupils say after finishing their school dinners? Mercy!
  • What do Kodak film have in common with condoms? Both capture the moment.
  • What do Psychologists say to each other when they meet? You're fine, how am I?
  • What do Scottish owls sing? Owld Lang Syne.
  • What do Snowmen call their offspring? Chill-dren.
  • What do West Virginians call a pretty woman? A tourist.
  • What do a divorce in Arkansas, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common? Somebody is fixin' to lose a house trailer.
  • What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common? They are four ways you can lose your house!
  • What do a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common? They can both smell it but they can't eat it.
  • What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't? Depreciation.
  • What do actuaries do to liven up their office party? Invite an accountant.
  • What do angry rodents send each other at Christmas time? Cross mouse cards!
  • What do astronauts put on their toast? Space Jam.
  • What do astronauts wear to bed? Space Jammies!
  • What do baby pythons play with? Rattle-snakes.
  • What do baby swans dance to? Cygnet-ure-tunes!
  • What do bees chew? Bumble gum!
  • What do bees do if they want to use public transport? Wait at a buzz stop!
  • What do birdies see when they faint?
  • What do birds say on Halloween? Trick-or-tweet!
  • What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up!
  • What do builders use to make websites? Com. crete.
  • What do burgers think when they are surrounded by gherkins? They think they are in a pickle.
  • What do butterflies feel when they're in love?
  • What do cannibal say when they say grace? 'We thank you, Lord, for our daily dead! '
  • What do cannibals eat for breakfast? Buttered host.
  • What do cars do at the disco? Brake dance.
  • What do cat actors say on stage? Tabby or not tabby!
  • What do cats read in the morning? Mewspapers!
  • What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon? They go on peck-nics!
  • What do chickens serve at birthday parties? Coop-cakes!
  • What do clouds want to be when they grow up? -Thunderstorms
  • What do computer experts do at weekends? Go for a disk drive.
  • What do computers eat when they get hungry? Chips.
  • What do confused owls say? Too-whit-to-why?
  • What do cows call Frank Sinatra? Old Moo Eyes!
  • What do cows do for entertainment? They go to the mooooovies.
  • What do cows do when they're introduced? They give each other a milk shake!
  • What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever
  • What do cows get when they do all their chores? Mooney.
  • What do cows like to do at amoosement parks? Ride on the roller cowster.
  • What do cows like to line dance to? Any kind of moosic you like!
  • What do cows like to listen to? Moo-sic!
  • What do cows read at the breakfast table? The moospaper!
  • What do cows sing at their friends birthday parties? Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo
  • What do cows usually fly around in? Helicowpters and Bulloons.
  • What do cows wear when they're vacationing in Hawaii? Moo moos
  • What do dirty fish read? Prawno Magazines!
  • What do dogs have that no other animal has? Puppy dogs!
  • What do elephants do in the evenings? Watch elevision!
  • What do elephants say as a compliment? You look elephantastic!
  • What do elephants sing at christmas? Noel-ephants, Noel-ephants. . .
  • What do fishermen say on Halloween? Trick-or-trout!
  • What do freezing rain and cake icing have in common? Both are a glaze
  • What do frogs drink? Hot croako!
  • What do ghosts like about riding horses? Ghoulloping.
  • What do ghosts say when a girl footballer is sent off? Ban-she, ban-she!
  • What do ghosts use to phone home? A terror-phone.
  • What do ghosts watch if they want to relax? Skelly-vision!
  • What do gnomes fear most about Christmas? They're afraid Father Christmas will give them the sack!
  • What do hamburger workers say on Monday morning? Well, it's back to the old grind!
  • What do headmasters and bullfrogs have in common? Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth!
  • What do hip pigs call their ladies? Fine swine.
  • What do history teachers make when they want to get together? Dates!
  • What do hookers do on their night off: type?
  • What do hurricanes most like to eat for dessert? -Candy Canes
  • What do insects learn at school? Mothmatics!
  • What do internet football fans sing? E we go E we go, E we go!

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