Funny Quotes - Page 4

  • Old upholsterers never die. They always recover.
  • Old witch: Now I know you want a job with me. Do you tell lies? Young witch: No, but I can pick it up.
  • Omnipotent Omniscient Omnibenevolent - Pick two.
  • On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack.
  • On fire for God!(Anybody got some water?!)
  • On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  • On what kind of ships do students study? Scholarships.
  • On what should you mount a statue of your cat? A caterpillar!
  • On which day do monsters eat people? Chewsday.
  • Once Upon A Time God Was A Woman!
  • Once upon a time there were five apples Which was the cowboy? None - because they were all redskins.
  • Once you learn to quit, it becomes a habit.
  • Once you pull the pin from Mr. Grenade, he is no longer your friend.
  • One Hundred Metres to the Bus Stop, by Willy Makit, illustrated by Betty Wont
  • One Nation Under-Educated
  • One Scot came back from work earlier then usual and saw plumber's car in the front of the house. - Oh my God, I hope it is her lover.
  • One World = One God
  • One abortion - two casulties... one dead, one wounded
  • One behaviorist to another after lovemaking: Darling, that was wonderful for you. How was it for me?
  • One by one, the penguins slowly steal my sanity.
  • One day 2 blondes decided to drive to Disney Land. When they saw a sign that said 'Disney Land left' they turned around and went home.
  • One discipline always leads to another discipline.
  • One goldfish to his tankmate: If there's no God, who changes the water?
  • One important key to success is self-confidence. An important key to self-confidence is preparation.
  • One measure of leadership is the caliber of people who choose to follow you.
  • One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important."
  • One of the true tests of leadership is the ability to recognize a problem before it becomes an emergency.
  • One out of every four people is suffering from some form of mental illness. Check three friends. If they're OK, then it's you.
  • One person caring about another represents life's greatest value.
  • One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve.
  • One time Father Christmas lost his underpants. That's how he got the name Saint Knickerless!
  • One vampire to the other : Let's go and have a drink. I know a cosy little mortuary just round the corner!
  • One woodworm met another. How's life? she asked. Oh, same as usual, he replied, boring.
  • Only BIG BABIES are pro-choice!
  • Only God is in a position to look down on people.
  • Only Jesus saves - we just make back-ups.
  • Only One Way To Heaven. Crash Through The Gates Gas Pedal To The Floor.
  • Only if you reach the boundary will the boundary recede before you.
  • Only in America do we chain $2. 00 ink pens to the counter but leave our $58, 000 cars out in the driveway.
  • Only lawyers get to be judges, and that's the (F)LAW!
  • Only sheep need a shepherd.
  • Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.
  • Open your heart, Jesus wants in.
  • Opportunities? They are all around us...there is power lying latent everywhere waiting for the observant eye to discover it.
  • Opportunity dances with those who are ready on the dance floor.
  • Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.
  • Opportunity...often it comes in the form of misfortune, or temporary defeat.
  • Optimist: A college student who opens his wallet and expects to find money.
  • Ordain women or stop baptizing them.
  • Organized Religion gave us the Dark Ages!
  • Orgasm Donor!
  • Osama bin Laden threatened Russia: If you get caught up in this war. . . I'll hide from you too!
  • Ossifer, I swear to drunk I'm not God!
  • Other people and things can stop you temporarily. You're the only one who can do it permanently.
  • Our God is an AWESOME GOD!!!
  • Our attitude toward life determines life's attitude towards us.
  • Our bank manager can't ride a bike any more. Why not? He lost his balance.
  • Our limitations and success will be based, most often, on your own expectations for ourselves.
  • Our own heart, and not other men's opinions, forms our true honor.
  • Our teacher talks to herself does yours? Yes, but she does't realise it, she thinks we're actually listening!
  • Our team is doing so badly that Manager of the Month isn't an award. It's an appointment!
  • Our website should have more colour, more games, more sound! Look, what more do you want? Blood?
  • Out for the Countby Esau Stars
  • Out of Body, be back in five
  • Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  • Out of the Broom Closet.
  • Outsize Clothes-buying by Ellie Fant
  • Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.
  • PE Teacher: Why did you kick that ball straight at the school computer? Pupil: You told me to put it in the Net.
  • PETA: People Eating Tasty Animals.
  • Pa's being chased by a bull! Well, what in tarnation do you want me to do about it? Get me some film for my camera!
  • Pagan and Proud!
  • Pagans make better lovers.
  • Pagans make the best of friends, they worship the ground you walk upon.
  • Pain and Sorryby Anne Guish
  • Pan Pipes, Pan Plays, Pan's Delight
  • Panic now and avoid the rush.
  • Papa, who was Hamlet? You birdbrain! Bring me the Bible and I'll show you who he was.
  • Papa, why is it that dentists call their offices dental parlors? Because they are drawing-rooms, my son.
  • Parachute Jumping by Hugo Furst
  • Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
  • Parental Observations: A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.
  • Parental Observations: A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
  • Parental Observations: A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
  • Parental Observations: An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
  • Parental Observations: Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your children.
  • Parental Observations: If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
  • Parental Observations: Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.
  • Parental Observations: You can learn many things from children... like how much patience you have.
  • Pass with care. I chew tobacco.
  • Passenger: Will this bus take me to New York? Driver: Which part? Passenger: All of me, of course!
  • Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish.
  • Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt me, doctor? Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.
  • Patient: Doc, what should I do with all the gold and silver in my mouth? Dentist: Don't smile in a bad neighborhood.
  • Patient: Doctor, I am very nervous. You know, this is my first extraction. Young dentist: Don't worry, it's my first extraction too.
  • Patient: Doctor, I get the feeling that people don't give a hoot about anything I say. Psychiatrist: So?
  • Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow. Doctor: How do you feel? Patient: A little down in the mouth.
  • Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer? Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
  • Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points? Doctor: Sell!
  • Patient: Hey, that tooth you pulled wasn't the one I wanted pulled. Dentist: Relax, I'm coming to it.
  • Patient: I always see spots before my eyes. Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help? Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.
  • Patient: Tell me honestly, how am I? Dentist: Your teeth are fine, but your gums will have to come out.
  • Patient: The trouble is, doctor, I keep pulling ugly faces. Doctor: Don't worry, I don't expect anyone will notice.
  • Patient: Why did you charge me a group rate? Psychiatrist: You've got multiple personalities.
  • Patient:Do you extract teeth painlessly? Dentis: Not always, the other day I nearly dislocated my wrist
  • Patron 1: I eat at a different restaurant every day. Patron 2: I don't tip, either.
  • Patron: Hey, there's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Why are you complaining? Isn't it cooked?
  • Patron: How come this fly is swimming in my soup? Waiter: I gave you too much. It should be wading.
  • Patron: This bread is stale. Waiter: It wasn't last week.
  • Patron: Waiter, why is there a spider in my glass? Waiter: It scares away the flies.
  • Paul says to Jesus, Hey man, whatcha doing for Passover? Jesus says, Just hanging around.
  • Pavlov: Name ring a bell?
  • Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
  • Peace be upon your Savior.
  • Pee for enjoyment, not for employment.
  • Peek-a-Boo! by I. C. Hugh
  • Penny for your thoughts. Twenty to act them out.
  • People are coughing on the train, shall I put them down
  • People are just about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
  • People are more passionately opposed to wearing fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than bikers.
  • People are not in touch with reality, if they think they are important
  • People do not lack strength; they lack will.
  • People have been known to achieve more as a result of working with others than against them.
  • People keep telling me I'm beautiful. What vivid imaginations some people have.
  • People like crowds. The bigger the crowd, the more people show up. Small crowd, hardly anybody shows up.
  • People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing.
  • People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either being made.
  • People who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.
  • People will accept your idea more readily, if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
  • People with goals succeed because they know where they're going.
  • Perfect people never improve.
  • Perfectly Pagan!
  • Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies. They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
  • Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
  • Persistence is to the character of man as carbon is to steel.
  • Personal development is your springboard to personal excellence.
  • Personnel Director: What would you do if you broke your arm in two places? Vanderkron: I wouldn't go to these places no more!
  • Peter: My brother wants to work badly! Anita: As I remember, he usually does!
  • Pierced and Tattooed in Places You'd Love To Lick!
  • Piercing, schmiercing: I'm holding out for amputation.
  • Pig Breedingby Lena Bacon
  • Pig's explanation for the creation of the Universe: The Pig Bang Theory.
  • Pigs don't look very smart to me. Sure, they are. You ever see a sow try to make a silk purse out of a farmer's ear?
  • Pilot: Tower, please call me a fuel truck. Tower: Roger. You are a fuel truck.
  • Pissing off the world one person at a time
  • Plan ahead -- It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
  • Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married. Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman.
  • Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.
  • Playing truant from school is like a credit cardFun now, pay later!
  • Please be patient. God's not through with me yet
  • Please do not honk. Driver trying to sleep.
  • Please don't honk - Driver may go Postal if awakened
  • Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.
  • Pleasure is not happiness. It has no more importance than a shadow following a man.
  • Plunder globally. Manage media locally.
  • Police Chief: Why are you putting handcuffs on that building? Officer: I'm making a house arrest
  • Police Chief: Why did you arrest that doctor? Officer: He was trying to take someone's pulse.
  • Police Chief: Why did you ticket the computer? Officer: It was speeding along the information highway.
  • Police Chief: Why did you tie a rope on that criminal? Officer: You ordered me to get a line on the suspect.
  • Police Chief: Why do you spend all your time trying to hit flies? Officer: You assigned me to the swat team, didn't you?
  • Police Officer: Why are you driving in a bathing suit? Motorist: I'm in a car pool.
  • Police Officer: Why did you lead me on a five-state chase? Driver: I love to travel.
  • Police Officer: Why were you speeding? Women Driver: I was late for traffic school.
  • Police Station Toilet Stolen... Cops have nothing to go on.
  • Police officer: And what do you think you are doing on this road, Dracula? Dracula: Looking for the main artery, officer.
  • Policeman: Did you know your vehicle was reported stolen? Criminal: It wasn't when I took it.
  • Policeman: Did you realize you just missed that bus with your car? Motorist: Did you want me to hit it?
  • Policeman: Didn't you hear me whistle at you? Woman Driver: Sure, but I don't flirt when I drive.
  • Policeman: Didn't you hear my siren? Motorist: Sure, that's why I sped up.
  • Policeman: Didn't you see my lights flashing? Motorist: No, I was going faster than the speed of light.
  • Policeman: Didn't you see that stop sign? Driver: I keep my eyes closed in traffic.
  • Policeman: Didn't you see the signs with the speed limit? Driver: I thought they were just suggestions.
  • Policeman: Do you know how fast you were going? Motorist: No, you're the one with the radar.
  • Policeman: How can you drive so recklessly? Driver: I have to, this is a getaway car.
  • Policeman: How can you say you don't have any outstanding tickets? Driver: They're all in the glove compartment.
  • Policeman: I've had my eye on you for some time now. Young Lady: That's funny. I thought you were arresting me for speeding.
  • Policeman: What do you think you're doing parking your car there? Motorist: I thought it was good place. It says Safety Zone.
  • Policeman: Why are you driving on the sidewalk? Motorist: It's too dangerous on the street.
  • Policeman: Why are you driving that car in circles? Driver: I was just going for a little spin.
  • Policeman: Why are you driving without a license? Motorist: Because it was revoked months ago.
  • Policeman: Why did you crash into that stop sign? Motorist: I was only following orders.
  • Policeman: Why did you lead me on a high-speed chase? Motorist: Because you'd catch me on a slow one.
  • Policeman: Why did you stop your car, get out, and yell coward at the traffic signal? Motorist: The light just turned yellow.
  • Policeman: Why did your car just spin around in circles? Motorist: I was making a U-turn and changed my mind.
  • Policeman: Why didn't you check your speedometer? Driver: It broke when I hit 100.
  • Policeman: Why didn't you obey that stop sign? Driver: I don't believe everything I read.
  • Policeman: Why didn't you stop at that red light? Motorist: Then you would have caught up with me.
  • Policeman: Why have you parked your bus here? Bus Driver: The sign says Bus Stop.
  • Policeman: Why were you asleep at the wheel? Motorist: Your siren lulled me to sleep.
  • Policeman: Why were you driving around in circles and laughing? Motorist: I thought I was on a merry-go-round.
  • Policeman: Why were you speeding when I stopped you? Motorist: So I could race home to get my license and registration.
  • Policeman: Why were you speeding? Driver: I didn't want to be late for my trial.
  • Policeman: Why were you speeding? Motorist: I was trying to get away from the crime scene.
  • Policeman: Why were you speeding? Motorist: I was trying to get home before I ran out of gas.
  • Policeman: Why were you speeding? Motorist: I wasn't going to miss seeing myself on America's Most Wanted.
  • Politically incorrect and proud of it!
  • Politician's Hymn -- "Standing on the Promises"
  • Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
  • Politicians prefer unarmed peasants.
  • Politics is used for personal gain
  • Poo-Poo happens.
  • Positive thinking will let you do everything better than negative thinking will.
  • Positive thinking won't let you do anything but it will let you do everything better than negative thinking will.
  • Possession of the ball is the key to winning in football, basketball, and the game of life.
  • Postcard from a blonde: Having a wonderful time. Where am I?
  • Potential counts for nothing until it's realized
  • Power Corrupts - Isn't that what it's for?
  • Power corrupts, and absolute power is kinda neat.
  • Power on, Magic on, All systems are go, We have lift out!
  • Powered by broom fuel.
  • Practice Safe Housing - Use Condos!
  • Practice random and senseless acts.
  • Practice random kindness and senseless acts of beauty.
  • Practice safe sex. Go screw yourself.
  • Practicing Rampant Nonjudgementalism!
  • Pray for the end of 5 o'clock traffic!
  • Pray for the success of atheism!
  • Pray is a four letter word you can use anywhere except in public schools!
  • Pray, let the SON in - Smile and let him OUT!
  • Prayer, Just Do It!
  • Prayer: Don't give God instructions - just report for duty!
  • Prescription for all that ails you .... a hug!
  • Presidents should be planned and wanted. ABORT CLINTON!
  • Prevent death on the road. Drive on the pavement.
  • Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.
  • Prevent truth decay, read the Bible!
  • Previous owner had an honor student!
  • Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
  • Pride is what you feel when your kids net $143 from a garage sale. Panic is what you feel when you realize your car is missing.
  • Pro-Free Speech. Pro-Gun. Pro-Choice. PRO-FREEDOM!
  • Pro-Woman, Pro-Child, Pro-Life!
  • Pro-choice? That's a LIE! Babies never choose to die!
  • Procrastinate Later!
  • Procrastinators Unite... Tomorrow!
  • Producer: Would you call your leading lady ugly? Director: Let's just say she'd look better on radio than on TV.
  • Professionals are predictable. Amateurs are Dangerous!
  • Professor: A wise man doubts everything. Only a pin-head is positive. Student: Are you sure of that, sir? Professor: Positive.
  • Professor: Heavens! Someone stole my wallet! Wife: Didn't you feel a hand in your pocket? Professor Yes, but I thought it was mine!
  • Profit from the Prophet!
  • Prometheus: Wouldn't it have been easier and more convenient to steal the fire from hell?
  • Prone to random acts of senseless reckless endangerment.
  • Proofread carefully, to see if you any words out.
  • Property of Satan!
  • Protected by .357 Magnum 3 days a week. You guess which 3.
  • Protected by Angels!
  • Protected by Witchcraft!
  • Proud member of the vast right-wing conspiracy
  • Proud parent of the inmate of the month at the Chino corectional facilities.
  • Proud to be American.
  • Proud to be a Democrat!
  • Proud to be a Republican!
  • Proudly marching to the beat of a different kettle of fish!
  • Psychiatrist to his nurse: Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse. '
  • Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test! Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you!
  • Pupil: My teacher was mad with me because I didn't know where the Rockies were. Mother: Well next time remember where you put things!
  • Pupil: Sir, would you mind e-mailing my exam results to my parents? Teacher: But your parents don't have a comuter. Pupil: Exactly!
  • Pupil: The art teacher doesn't like what I'm making? Dad: Why is that, what are you making? Pupil: Mistakes!
  • Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
  • Pursuing pleasure for the sake of pleasure will ruin you
  • Push yourself to the limit as often as possible
  • Put politicians in their place - Landfills!
  • Put your friend's names in a circle and put your man's in a heart, hearts break but circles never end.
  • Q) How do you spot a happy motorcyclist in fair weather? A) He's got bugs on his teeth.
  • Q) What's worse than raining buckets? A) Hailing taxis!
  • Q. ) What happens when a Blonde eats a mosquito? A. ) She has more brain cells in her stomach than her head.
  • Q. ) What would you call a bunch of blondes stacked on top of each other? A. ) An air mattress.
  • Q. A fireman had two sons. What did he name them? A. Hosea and Hoseb
  • Q. Did you hear the Energizer Bunny Was Arrested? R. Charged With Battery!
  • Q. Have you heard the latest scandal? A. Dr. Pepper was drunk at a party.
  • Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers? A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.
  • Q. How are men like television commercials? A. You can't believe a word either one of them says, and they both last about 30 seconds.
  • Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch? A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
  • Q. How can you tell if a man is happy? A. Who cares?
  • Q. How can you tell if someone is half Catholic and half Jewish? A. When he goes to confession, he takes a lawyer with him.
  • Q. How can you tell when a Chicago Fireman is dead? A. The remote control slips from his hand.
  • Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden? A. They were really put out.
  • Q. How did a blind girl burn her fingers? A. Reading the waffle iron
  • Q. How did a blind woman drive herself crazy? A. Trying to read a stucco wall.
  • Q. How did the blonde die ice-fishing? A. She was run over by the zambonis machine.
  • Q. How do blonde brain cells die? A. Alone
  • Q. How do men define a 50/50 relationship? A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
  • Q. How do men exercise on the beach? A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
  • Q. How do you confuse a blonde? A. Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner.
  • Q. How do you drown a blonde? A1. Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. A2. Stick a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
  • Q. How do you get down from an aerial ladder? A. You don't get down from an aerial ladder. You get down from a duck.
  • Q. How do you know a blonde has been using a dishwasher? A. It's cloged up with paper plates.
  • Q. How do you know a blonde has been using the computer? A. There is cheese in front of the mouse.
  • Q. How do you make holy water? A. Boil the hell out of it.
  • Q. How do you put out a fire? A. Take away the HEAT , FUEL , OXYGEN , or the CHIEF!
  • Q. How does Bill Gates enter his house? A. He uses windows.
  • Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future? A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
  • Q. How is a heart like a musician? A. They both have a beat :)
  • Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
  • Q. How many blonde's does it take to change a light bulb? A. 3. 1 to find the bulb, 1 to find a ladder and 1 to find a man.
  • Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
  • Q. How many line dance instructors does it take to change a light bulb? A. Five! . . . Six! . . . Seven! . . . Eight!
  • Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom? A. Three, if you slice them very thinly.
  • Q. Is it possible to kill a mother-in-law with newspaper? A. Yes, if you wrap an iron in it.
  • Q. What are the worst six years in a blonde's life? A: Third Grade.
  • Q. What creature has the best aptitude for engineering? A. The spider -- It has its own website.
  • Q. What did Snow white say when her photos didn't come back from the photo store? A. Some day my prints will come!
  • Q. What did dela wear? (Delaware) A. Her New Jersey
  • Q. What did one tornado say to the other? A. Let's twist again, like we did last summer. . . .
  • Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I. Q. test? A. Drool.
  • Q. What did the blonde say when she knocked over a priceless Ming vase? A. It's okay Daddy, I'm not hurt.
  • Q. What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg? A: Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
  • Q. What did the cannibal's wife give her husband when he came home late for dinner? A. The cold shoulder.
  • Q. What did the dog say when he sat on sand paper? A. Rough rough.
  • Q. What did the fog say to the light rain after her vacation? A. I mist you.
  • Q. What did the salt say to the pepper? A. Hey Baby, what's SHAKING!
  • Q. What did the snail say when he hitched a ride on the turtle? A. Wheeeee! ! ! ! !
  • Q. What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common? A. Nothing, yet.
  • Q. What do Fred Flintstone and Osama Bin Laden have in common? A. They both look out their caves and see rubble.
  • Q. What do a hurricane, a tornado, and a redneck divorce all have in common? A. Someone's going to lose their trailer. . .
  • Q. What do me and a mirror have in common? A. When we see your face we both crack up!
  • Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? A. Any place without a drive-up window.
  • Q. What do they call pastors in Germany? A. German Shepherds.
  • Q. What do tired line dancers do? A. They Line Down :-)
  • Q. What do you call 1, 000 heavily armed lesbians? A. Militia Etheridge
  • Q. What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket? A. A rebel without a clue!
  • Q. What do you call a blonde who dies her hair brown? A. Artificial intelligence.
  • Q. What do you call a dead blonde in a closet? A. The 1995 Hide and Seek World Champion.
  • Q. What do you call a ginger bread man wit one leg? A. Limp biskit
  • Q. What do you call a handcuffed man? A. Trustworthy.
  • Q. What do you call a line dancer on a cruise? A. An Ocean Liner
  • Q. What do you call a one legged linedancer? A. Eileen (I Lean)
  • Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow.
  • Q. What do you call two line dancers doing the dance Shoot the Rooster? A. A Pair of Shoot (parachute)
  • Q. What do you get when you cross a Fire Chief two Lotus Notes Gurus? A. FireWeb . . . . of course!
  • Q. What do you get when you cross a crookedpolitician with a dishonest lawyer? A. Chelsea Clinton
  • Q. What do you have when only one line dancer comes to your party? A. A One Liner!
  • Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.
  • Q. What does CHAOS stand for? A. The Chiefs Have Arrived On Scene.
  • Q. What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear? A. Thanks for the refill!
  • Q. What does a blonde see when she looks into a box of cheerios? A. Donut seeds.
  • Q. What does a cow make when the sun comes out? A. A shadow
  • Q. What does a woman's asshole do when she is having an orgasm? A. He is usually home with the kids!
  • Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
  • Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
  • Q. What has one horn and gives milk? A A milk truck.
  • Q. What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies? A. Bingo!
  • Q. What is a brunette between two blondes? A. An interpreter.
  • Q. What is eternity? A. When 4 blondes meet at a 4-way-stop-sign-intersection!
  • Q. What is good for your soul but not your soles? A. Linedancing!
  • Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out? A. They really raised Cain.
  • Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise? A. Turn right and go straight.
  • Q. What is the bigest pencil in the world? A. Pennsylvania
  • Q. What is the difference between a fish and a piano? A. You can't tuna fish.
  • Q. What is the fastest way to get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? A. Wave at her.
  • Q. What kind of ears do pumpers have? A. Engineers.
  • Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married? A. Ruth-less.
  • Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
  • Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. Honda. . . because the apostles were all in one Accord.
  • Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
  • Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner? A. A power failure.
  • Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? A. Shoot him again.
  • Q. What should you give a man who has everything? A. A woman to show him how to work it.
  • Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship? A. Telling you his real name.
  • Q. What's te definition of a bachelor pad? A. All the house plants are dead, but there's something growing in the refrigerator.
  • Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? A. Put the remote control between his toes.
  • Q. What's the definition of a Yankee? A. Same thing as a quickie, only you do it yourself.
  • Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone? A. A bagpiper tuning his drones.
  • Q. What's the difference between 'weather' and 'climate'? A. You can 't 'weather' a tree, but you can 'climate'!
  • Q. What's the difference between a line dance instructor and a dentist? A. A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.
  • Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart? A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
  • Q. What's worse than finding a worm in the apple you're eating? A. Finding half a worm.
  • Q. Where can you dance in California? A. San Fran-disco
  • Q. Where do fish sleep? A. In a river bed
  • Q. Where do tired linedancers go for Breakfast? A. Ihop
  • Q. Where does a fish keep his moneyA. In the River Bank!
  • Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible? A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
  • Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy? A. The area around the Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
  • Q. Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible? A. Moses. Because he broke all 10 commandments; at once.
  • Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible? A. David. He rocked Goliath to sleep.
  • Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? A. Samson. He brought the house down.
  • Q. Who was the greatest financieer in the Bible? A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
  • Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease? A. Because they're all pigs.
  • Q. Why did Mrs. Smokey the Bear divorce Smokey the Bear? A. Because every time she got hot, he'd beat her with a shovel!
  • Q. Why did the ape run around with a piece of raw meat on his head? A. He thought he was a gorilla. (griller)!
  • Q. Why did the belt go to jail? A. Because he held up a pair of pants!
  • Q. Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall? A. To see what was on the other side.
  • Q. Why did the blonde get so excited when she finished the jigsaw puzzle after only 6 months? A. Because on the box it said: For 2-4 years.
  • Q. Why did the blonde get thrown out of the M & M factory? A. She kept throwing out all the W's.
  • Q. Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A. So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
  • Q. Why did the blonde write TGIF on her shoes? A. To remind her that toes go in first.
  • Q. Why did the chicken cross the road? A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.
  • Q. Why did the cookie go to the doctor? A. He was feeling crummy!
  • Q. Why did the jellybean go to school? A. Because he wanted to be a smarty
  • Q. Why did the line dancer cross the dance floor? A. To get to the other (Electric) Slide!
  • Q. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? A. He didn't have the guts too
  • Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards? A. So they can park in handicapped zones.
  • Q. Why do bakers work so hard? A. Because they need the dough
  • Q. Why do blondes have more fun? A. They are easier to keep amused.
  • Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers? A. So they can find their way back to the house.
  • Q. Why do men like love at first site? A. It saves them a lot of time.
  • Q. Why do men like smart women? A. Opposites attract.
  • Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
  • Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
  • Q. Why does Rilla get mad when he's in a race? A. Because all his friends shout, GO-RILLA!
  • Q. Why does the Navy put Marines on board ships? A. Because sheep would be too obvious
  • Q. Why is a dog scared of a fire? A. It doesn't want to become a hot dog.
  • Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A. You can park in the handicap zone.
  • Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
  • Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? A. From chasing parked ambulances.
  • Q. Why is the book Women Who Love Too Much a disappointment for many men? A. No phone numbers.
  • Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot? A. The thought had never entered his head before.
  • Q. Why was the blonde in the tree? A. Because she was raking up the leaves!
  • Q. what did the sign on the whore house say? A: Beat it we are closed
  • Q1: What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A: A Dinosaucer
  • Q2: What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? A: Rep Tiles
  • Q3: What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business? A: Try Sara's Tops
  • Q4: What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called? A: Ptera Don
  • Q5: How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? A: Tea Rex?
  • Q: Bill, Hillary, and Al are in a boat. The boat sinks. Who is saved? A: The United States of America.
  • Q: Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage? A: Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target.
  • Q: Define Transvestite:A: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
  • Q: Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate President Clinton's election? A: It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!
  • Q: Did you hear about the 25 Irish people that drowned? A: They were riverdancing.
  • Q: Did you hear about the Blonde who got a pair of water-skis? A: She's still looking for a lake with a slope.
  • Q: Did you hear about the Mexico City earthquake? A: It did $100 million worth of improvements.
  • Q: Did you hear about the Polak who married an Amish woman? A: He drove her buggy.
  • Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver? A: She missed the Earth!
  • Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote? A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
  • Q: Did you hear about the blonde that almost caused a car accident? A: The spare tire in her trunk blew out.
  • Q: Did you hear about the blonde that got pregnant for the second time? A: She asked her husband if they needed to get married again.
  • Q: Did you hear about the blonde that invented the solar flashlight?
  • Q: Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? A: She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
  • Q: Did you hear about the blonde who hijacked a submarine? A: She demanded $200, 000 and a parachute.
  • Q: Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed? A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.
  • Q: Did you hear about the conceited blonde? A: She screams her own name when she comes.
  • Q: Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car? A: It took him four hours to get the bass player out.
  • Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? A: He sold his soul to Santa.
  • Q: Did you hear about the man who was Polishing the flagpole? A: He varnished into thin air!
  • Q: Did you hear about the new blonde hoodlum? A: She runs around spray-painting her name on chain link fences.
  • Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint? A: It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.
  • Q: Did you hear about the new form of birth control for blondes? A: They take off their makeup.
  • Q: Did you hear about the new morning after pill for men? A: It changes their blood type.
  • Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots? A: You only have to teach them to take off.
  • Q: Did you hear that the Clinton's had Air Force 1 remodeled? A: Now it's got two left wings.
  • Q: Did you hear the slogan for the the new Stealth Condom? A: They'll never see you coming.
  • Q: Did you hear they put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore? A: Yeah, they were Bill Clinton.
  • Q: Did you know that the three wise men were firemen? A: It says they came from afir (a fire, a far).
  • Q: Did you know they are taking out all the K-Marts in Afghanistan? A: They are putting in TARGETS! ! !
  • Q: Do you know why the new football stadium they built in Warsaw could not be used? A: No matter where you sat you were behind a Pole.
  • Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
  • Q: Ever wonder about people who pay $2 for a bottle of Evian water? A: Just spell Evian backwards!
  • Q: Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, who's driving? A: The police.
  • Q: Have you heard about the Irish abortion clinic? A: There's a 12-month waiting list.
  • Q: Have you heard about the new Iraqi Air Force exercise program? A: Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.
  • Q: Have you seen the polish mine detector. A1: Put you fingers in your ears and start stamping the ground with your foot.
  • Q: How are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike? A: Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass.
  • Q: How are women and rocks alike? A: You skip across the flat ones.
  • Q: How can you identify a computer that has been in use at the Clinton White House? A: There is White-out on the screen.
  • Q: How can you identify an Irish pirate? A: He's the one with patches over both eyes.
  • Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Be too drunk to find your keys.
  • Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow? A: By the wise look in the eyes.
  • Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies? A: He's the stiff one.
  • Q: How can you tell a blonde is being unfaithful? A: Everybody in the neighborhood is going to the pharmacy for penicillin.
  • Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer? A: The joystick is wet.
  • Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office? A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces.
  • Q: How can you tell if a cat is blonde? A: No matter what height you drop it from it always lands on its head.
  • Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune? A: The bow is moving.
  • Q: How can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers? A: There is writing on the White-out.
  • Q: How can you tell someone is a true music lover? A: When they even put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole.
  • Q: How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs? A: By their names.
  • Q: How can you tell the dumbest actress working on a movie? A: She's the one sleeping with the writer.
  • Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying? A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.
  • Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face? A: If his lips are moving, then he's lying.
  • Q: How can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle [in Bosnia]? A: He's got his jogging suit on.
  • Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating? A: By the buckle print on her forehead.
  • Q: How can you tell when a blonde rejects a new brain transplant? A: She sneezes.
  • Q: How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid? A: When the other tenors notice.
  • Q: How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde? A: It is the one with the kickstand.
  • Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend? A: He's the one with the belt buckle that matches the impression in her forehead.
  • Q: How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck? A: Trying to save both faces.
  • Q: How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet? A: They were dating the same girl in high school.
  • Q: How did a blind man drive his car? A: One hand on the wheel; the other on the road.
  • Q: How did a blind man get poke marks on his face? A: Learning to eat with a fork.
  • Q: How did a blind man meet his wife? A: On a blind date!
  • Q: How did a blind woman pierce her ear? A: Answering the stapler.
  • Q: How did bulldogs get such flat noses? - A: From chasing cars.
  • Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast? A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.
  • Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs? A: She fell out of the tree.
  • Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk? A: The cow fell on her.
  • Q: How did the blonde kill her toy poodle? A: Trying to put batteries in it.
  • Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird? A: She threw it off a cliff.
  • Q: How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? A: Down in the mouth!
  • Q: How did the frog cross the road when a truck was coming? A: SPLAT! ! ! He didn't.
  • Q: How do blondes pierce their ears? A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
  • Q: How do cats buy things? - A: From a cat-alogue!
  • Q: How do ghosts fly from one place to another? A: By scareplane.
  • Q: How do know a clarinet player is playing loud? A: You can almost hear them.
  • Q: How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training? A: Studying their Miranda Rights.
  • Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
  • Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: You don't. They're born that way.
  • Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics.
  • Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots? A: Flattered.
  • Q: How do you drown a blonde? A: When he asks for a lifesaver, ask him what flavor he wants.
  • Q: How do you electrocute a blonde? A: Tell her to demonstrate the proper usage of an electric chair.
  • Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist? A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
  • Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? A: It's not hard.
  • Q: How do you fix a broken tuba? A: With a tuba glue.
  • Q: How do you get 2 piccolos to play a perfect unison? A: Shoot one.
  • Q: How do you get a German out of the bath? A: Turn on the water.
  • Q: How do you get a Polak out of the bath tub? A: Throw in a bar of soap.
  • Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree? A: Wave
  • Q: How do you get a blonde off of your knees? A: Come.
  • Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant? A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
  • Q: How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo? A: Write 'pp, espressivo'.
  • Q: How do you get a clarinet player to play louder? A: You can't!
  • Q: How do you get a dog to stop barking in the back seat of a car? - A: Put him in the front seat.
  • Q: How do you get a viola section to play spiccato? A: Write a whole note with solo above it.
  • Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense? A: (I'll tell you tomorrow. )
  • Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense? A: Give her a mirror and tell her to wait for the other person to say 'hi. '
  • Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder to instruction manuals
  • Q: How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity? A: Her crayons are still sticky.
  • Q: How do you know a blonde likes you? A: She screws you two nights in a row.
  • Q: How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail? A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.
  • Q: How do you know if there is a drummer at your door? A: The knocking always speeds up.
  • Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
  • Q: How do you know when a liberal is really dead? A: His heart stops bleeding.
  • Q: How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door? A: The doorbell shrieks!
  • Q: How do you know when you're at a hillbilly wedding? A: Everyone is sitting on the same side of the church.
  • Q: How do you know you're flying over Poland? A: Toilet paper hanging on the clotheslines.
  • Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn? A: Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes.
  • Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola? A: Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.
  • Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola? A: Sit in the back and don't play.
  • Q: How do you picture yourself flying on a broom? A: By witchful thinking.
  • Q: How do you protect a valuable instrument? A: Hide it in an accordion case.
  • Q: How do you recognize a blonde at a car wash? A: She's the one on her bike.
  • Q: How do you recognize a blonde in school? A: They are the only ones who erase their notebook when the teacher erases the board.
  • Q: How do you sink a Polish ship? A: Put it in water.
  • Q: How do you sink an Irish submarine? A: Knock on the hatch.
  • Q: How do you spot Al Gore in a room full of secret service agents? A: He's the stiff one.
  • Q: How do you stop a Polish army on horseback? A: Turn off the carousel.
  • Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm? A1: She drops her nail-file!
  • Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door? A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.
  • Q: How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding? A: He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt.
  • Q: How does Al Gore spell potato? A: T-A-T-E-R.
  • Q: How does Bill Clinton say I'm about to hurt you? A: Trust me.
  • Q: How does Bill Gates screw in a lightbulb? A: He doesn't. He declares darkness the industry standard.
  • Q: How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away from the White House? A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.
  • Q: How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb? A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him
  • Q: How does a blonde commit suicide? A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
  • Q: How does a blonde hemophiliac treat herself? A: Acupuncture.
  • Q: How does a blonde high-5? A: She smacks herself in the forehead.
  • Q: How does a blonde interpret 6. 9? A: A 69 interrupted by a period.
  • Q: How does a blonde kill a fish? A: She drowns it.
  • Q: How does a blonde kill a worm? A: She burys it.
  • Q: How does a blonde moonwalk? A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!
  • Q: How does a blonde part their hair? A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart)A2: By doing the splits.
  • Q: How does a blonde prepare for safe sex? A: She puts on rubber based lipstick.
  • Q: How does a horny guy spell relief? A: B-L-O-N-D-E.
  • Q: How does a man keep his youth? A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
  • Q: How does the blond turn on the light after she has had sex? A: She opens the car door.
  • Q: How has Clinton made his cabinet look more like America? A: Many of them have sixth grade reading levels.
  • Q: How is Christmas celebrated in a Jewish home? A: They put parking meters on the roof!
  • Q: How is Clinton's health care reform a lot like his haircut? A: It is a lot more expensive than it looks.
  • Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone? A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
  • Q: How is a man like a snowstorm? A: You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.
  • Q: How is a marriage like a hot bath? A: Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
  • Q: How is a penis like fishing? A: The small ones you throw back, the medium ones you eat, and the larger ones you mount.
  • Q: How is lightning like a violist's fingers? A: Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
  • Q: How many 'Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of Real Men around to do it.
  • Q: How many 1st AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Why are you asking me that question? Can't you see I'm busy!
  • Q: How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Uh. . . standby, I'll check on that.
  • Q: How many Accountants does it take to change a light bulb? A: What sort of answer did you have in mind? A: None-just assume it's changed.
  • Q: How many Agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Actually, agents will screw in just about anything.
  • Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy so. . .
  • Q: How many Arians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just the one. You want to make something of it, eh?
  • Q: How many Arians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: Arians aren't afraid of the dark.
  • Q: How many Arians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Only one Arian, but an awful lot of light bulbs. (*smash*)
  • Q: How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None-there weren't any light bulbs in the 13th century.
  • Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None--He'll only promise change.
  • Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.
  • Q: How many British navy Officers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but it takes him seven weeks to get there.
  • Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb? Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb?
  • Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just one, and they'll use a non-disposable diaper too!
  • Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: A Cancerian would worry herself to death with the problem.
  • Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb? A: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
  • Q: How many Chinamen does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Thousands, because Confucious say many hands make light work.
  • Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10, 000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
  • Q: How many Clinton White House officials does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. They like to keep him in the dark!
  • Q: How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one, if he's got a good crew to do it.
  • Q: How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. No, two. No. . . How many do we have on the truck?
  • Q: How many Democrats does it take to destroy a light bulb? A: None. They only know how to destroy the taxpayers.
  • Q: How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one more, guys, I promise.
  • Q: How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one. . . but how do you get him in there with the cute, blonde?
  • Q: How many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb? A: One--she just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
  • Q: How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 22, one to screw it in, 21 to shoot the bulb.
  • Q: How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb? A: One hundred - One to screw it in and 99 to hold the house hostage.
  • Q: How many Italians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two. One to change it and one to sprinkle it with Parmesan.
  • Q: How many Labour Party members does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. They haven't got a policy on that.
  • Q: How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: A Leo would order somebody else to change it.
  • Q: How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: Leos are so enthusiastic they carry their own light.
  • Q: How many Librans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Why change the bulb? Isn't it more romantic in the dark?
  • Q: How many Mafia hitmen does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Three. One to screw it in, one to watch, and one to shoot the witness.
  • Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
  • Q: How many Osamas does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None. They don't have lightbulbs in caves
  • Q: How many PA' does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: What's a light bulb?
  • Q: How many PA's does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Nine. . . . . . . . one to do it and eight others to wish they'd been asked.
  • Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 1. 99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
  • Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Huh? The light's out?
  • Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?
  • Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: only the inner light matters.
  • Q: How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!
  • Q: How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.
  • Q: How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's a military secret.
  • Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Look, ask me when I get back from India, okay?
  • Q: How many Scorpios does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None - they'd rather sit in the dark.
  • Q: How many Scorpios does it take to change a lightbulb? A: So who wants to know? Why do *you* want to know? Are you a cop?
  • Q: How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb? A: Scotsmen don't change light bulbs, it's cheaper to sit in the dark
  • Q: How many Screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: The bulbs IN and it's staying IN!
  • Q: How many Serbs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two-one to shoot the old bulb out and one to screw the new one in.
  • Q: How many Sound Recordists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: WHAT?
  • Q: How many Studio Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: We don't know. Light bulbs last longer than studio executives.
  • Q: How many Survivors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One to start screwing it in and the rest to vote 'em off the ladder.
  • Q: How many Taureans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: Taureans don't like to change anything.
  • Q: How many U. S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .
  • Q: How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: It's not a bulb, it's a globe.
  • Q: How many Virgos does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Approximately 1. 000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
  • Q: How many Waiters does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, even a burned out bulb can't catch a waiters eye
  • Q: How many Wardrobe people does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Nobody said I needed doubles on that!
  • Q: How many absurdist/surrealist comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: November.
  • Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say I could've done that.
  • Q: How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb A: Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this neat candle holder. . .
  • Q: How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, They don't make Pampers small enough.
  • Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.
  • Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one - but the guitarist has to show him first.
  • Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb? A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.
  • Q: How many blonde jokes are there? A: One - the rest are all true.
  • Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek? A: One.
  • Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb? A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
  • Q: How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, the sockets go with the house.
  • Q: How many divorcees does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. The sockets all went with the house.
  • Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. They have a machine that does that now.
  • Q: How many editors does it take to change a light bulb? A: If we change the light bulb, we'll have to change everything.
  • Q: How many editors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: It was supposed to be in place last week!
  • Q: How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One -- but it's an 8 hour minimum.
  • Q: How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but it may take him/her more than five years to do it.
  • Q: How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
  • Q: How many helicopters does it take for White House aides to go play a round of golf? A: Depends on how many were photographed.
  • Q: How many idiots who ask stupid questions does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Change it to what?
  • Q: How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but he'll tell everybody.
  • Q: How many over eager PA's does it take to screw in a li. . . A: Done!
  • Q: How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb? A: Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!
  • Q: How many polaks does it take to kidnap a child? A: 12. One to kidnap the child and the remaining 11 to write a ransom letter.
  • Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
  • Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
  • Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, that's a hardware problem.
  • Q: How many publishers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Three. One to screw it in and two more to hold down the editor.
  • Q: How many republicans does it take to raise your taxes? A: None. The democrats do that.
  • Q: How many retarded Italian gardeners does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: One, but don't expect results.
  • Q: How many screenwriters to make Titanic a good movie? A: One more than they had.
  • Q: How many senators does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two to sponsor the bill and thirty-three to constitute a quorum.
  • Q: How many tourists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Six: One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions.
  • Q: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? A: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
  • Q: How so you call a member of the finacial staff of the faculty of Biology? A: A Buy-ologist.
  • Q: IS IT SEXUAL HARASMENT IF YOU GO TO A WOMAN AND TELL HER, HER HAIR SMELLS NICE? A: WHAT IF THE MAN IS A DWARF?
  • Q: If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument, who'd land first? A: Who cares!
  • Q: If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets treasury, and Aspin gets defense, what does Gore get? A: Coffee.
  • Q: If called to testify in a trial how long will it before before Clinton commits perjury? A: When he's sworn in.
  • Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle.
  • Q: Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours? A: Put Janet Reno in charge.
  • Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have? A: Palm Sunday.
  • Q: There is a frog driving east and a trombonist walking west. What can be surmised from this? A: The frog's probably on its way to a gig.
  • Q: Two men drive into a car wash. Which one is the Irishman? A: The one on the motorbike.
  • Q: WHY ARE BLONDES LIKE PIANOS? A: When they aren't upright, they're grand.
  • Q: WHY CAN`T BLONDES WATER-SKI? A: When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down.
  • Q: WHY DON`T BLONDES LIKE ANAL SEX? A: They don`t like their brains being screwed with.
  • Q: What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble? A: Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia.
  • Q: What a BLONDE will ask the doctor, in the maternity ward? A: Is it mine?
  • Q: What are 3 two letter words that say small? A: Is it in.
  • Q: What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life? A: Third grade.
  • Q: What are the blonde's first words after 4 years of college? A: Would you like fries with that?
  • Q: What are the small bumps around a woman s nipples for? A: It's Braille for 'Suck here. '
  • Q: What are the three types of men? A: The handsome, the caring, and the majority.
  • Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 1. No mind2. No business.
  • Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? A: Stick his bill up his ass.
  • Q: What can save a dying blonde? A: Hair transplants.
  • Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A: A thought.
  • Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons.
  • Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
  • Q: What county in Ireland hates South Park? A: Killkenny.
  • Q: What did Bill Clinton say to Monica? A: I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.
  • Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson after the fight? A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye! ! ! !
  • Q: What did a blind boy's parent's do to punish him? A: Rearranged the furniture
  • Q: What did one flea say to the other flea when they came out of the movies? - A: Should we walk home or take a dog?
  • Q: What did one math book say to the other? A: Man I got a lot of problems!
  • Q: What did one strawberry say to the other? A:Look at the jam you've gotten us into!
  • Q: What did the Egyptian man say to the Egyptian woman? A: Come behind the pyramid, and I'll make you a mummy!
  • Q: What did the Indian say to the white woman when she tied his penis in a knot? A: How Come?
  • Q: What did the Production Manager give his kids for Christmas? A: Nothing. But he promised he'd make it up to them on the next one.
  • Q: What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar? A: Ok you 2, dont start anything
  • Q: What did the blind blonde say as she was making love with her new boyfriend? A: Funny, you don't feel Jewish.
  • Q: What did the blonde do when she found out she was pregnant with triplets? A: She went looking for the three guys.
  • Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period? A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?
  • Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? A: She moved.
  • Q: What did the blonde say about blonde jokes? A: She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans.
  • Q: What did the blonde say during a porno? A: There I am!
  • Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer? A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.
  • Q: What did the blonde's dentist find? A: Teeth in the cavity.
  • Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A: Wiped his ass.
  • Q: What did the cook say to the dough? A: I NEED you!
  • Q: What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? A: What a lavaly day!
  • Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man? A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?
  • Q: What did the emu say to the nurse? A: Mend her bones or walk the plank
  • Q: What did the female cat say to the male cat? - A: You're the purrfect cat for me!
  • Q: What did the first stoplight say to the second stoplight? A: Don't look I'm changing! !
  • Q: What did the football say to the football player? A: I get a kick out of you.
  • Q: What did the hat say to the necktie? A: You go AHEAD I'll HANG AROUND!
  • Q: What did the hurricane say to the other hurricane? A: I have my eye on you.
  • Q: What did the leper say to the hooker? A: Keep the tip.
  • Q: What did the puppy say when he sat on sand paper? - A: RUFF!
  • Q: What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby's crib? A: A snowmobile!
  • Q: What did the thermometer say to the other thermometer? A: You make my temperature rise.
  • Q: What dinosaur can't stay out in the rain? A: Stegosaur-rust!
  • Q: What dinosaur loves pancakes? A: A tri-syrup-tops.
  • Q: What dinosaur would you find in a rodeo? A: Bronco-saurus!
  • Q: What directions did the ghost give the goblin? A: Make a fright turn at the corner.
  • Q: What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common? A: Neither one is very bright.
  • Q: What do Blondes say after sex? A1: Thanks Guys. A2: Are you boys all in the same band? A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?
  • Q: What do Clinton and JFK have in common? A: They haven't had any brains for the last thirty years.
  • Q: What do Israeli soldiers do when they get bored? A: They go over to the West Bank & the Gaza Strip and get stoned.
  • Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common? A: They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!
  • Q: What do a Wendy's Hamburger and the Waco compound have in common? A: They were both cooked by a guy named Dave.
  • Q: What do a blonde and a car have in common? A: They can both drive you crazy.
  • Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common? A: Men usually miss all three.
  • Q: What do a coffin and a condom have in common? A: They're both filled with stiffs, one's coming, one's going.
  • Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common? A: They are both substitute meats.
  • Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
  • Q: What do birds give out on Halloween? A: Tweets.
  • Q: What do blonde's have against condoms? A: Their cheeks.
  • Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common? A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
  • Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair? A: They pull up their pants.
  • Q: What do blondes eat to increase their breast size? A: Silicone chips.
  • Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common? A: They both wriggle when you eat them.
  • Q: What do cats like to eat on a hot day? - A: Mice cream
  • Q: What do college students and deer have in common? A: They both stand in the middle of the road and stare at your headlights.
  • Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control? A: Their personality.
  • Q: What do little trees say on Halloween? A: Twig or treat.
  • Q: What do men and sperm have in common? A:They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
  • Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common? A: They both have black roots.
  • Q: What do the Republicans have that Bill Clinton wishes he had? A: A mandate to govern.
  • Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? A: A dope ring.
  • Q: What do you call 4 blondes laying on the beach? A: Public access.
  • Q: What do you call Italian women in a sauna? A: Gorillas In The Mist!
  • Q: What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? A: Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
  • Q: What do you call a Blind Dinosaur? A: Do-ya-think-he-saurus.
  • Q: What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe? A: Roberto.
  • Q: What do you call a blind German? A: A Not See (Nazi)
  • Q: What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? A: Siamese twins.
  • Q: What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket? A: Married.
  • Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? A: Branch Manager.
  • Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning? A: A visitor.
  • Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian? A: A waste.
  • Q: What do you call a blonde sky diving team? A: A new version of the lawn dart's game.
  • Q: What do you call a blonde that can suck a golfball through a water hose? A:Sweetheart!
  • Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS? A: A know-it-all bitch.
  • Q: What do you call a blonde with a bag of sugar on her head? A: Sweet fuck all.
  • Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head? A: All you can eat, under a buck.
  • Q: What do you call a brunette and three blondes in a corner? A: You don't, you see if you've got 3 condoms.
  • Q: What do you call a cat when he first wakes up with the alarm clock? - A: Catsup!
  • Q: What do you call a cat who eats lemons? - A: A sourpuss!
  • Q: What do you call a cat who's joined the Red Cross? - A: A first-aid kit!
  • Q: What do you call a credit union volunteer in a room full of bank directors? A: A superior being.
  • Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel? A: An air bag.
  • Q: What do you call a fake noodle? A: An Impasta.
  • Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head? A: A Space Invader.
  • Q: What do you call a frog with no hind legs? A: Unhoppy! !
  • Q: What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A: A Yamahahaha
  • Q: What do you call a male quartet? A: Three men and a tenor.
  • Q: What do you call a man who marries an old, ugly and poor woman? A: Desperate!
  • Q: What do you call a person who plays the viola? A: A violator.
  • Q: What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium? A: Successive approximations.
  • Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A: A roamin' Catholic!
  • Q: What do you call a truckload of vibrators? A: Toys for Twats.
  • Q: What do you call a woman who marries an old, ugly and poor man? A: Stupid!
  • Q: What do you call an Inibrian who has been buried for 1000 years? A: Peat! ! !
  • Q: What do you call blonde twins doing bubble gum commercials? A: Double-dumb.
  • Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor? A: Laughing stock.
  • Q: What do you call cheese that's not yours? A: Nacho cheese!
  • Q: What do you call counterfeited German currency? A: Question marks.
  • Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon? A: Far-from-thinkin
  • Q: What do you call it when a blonde gets taken over by a demon? A: A vacant posession.
  • Q: What do you call it when a cat bites? - A: Catnip!
  • Q: What do you call it when a cat stops? - A: A paws!
  • Q: What do you call kinky sex with chocolate? A: S&M&M.
  • Q: What do you call the folks who hang around the musicians at conservatories? A: Violists.
  • Q: What do you call the loser in a hissing, scratching cat fight? - A: Claude
  • Q: What do you call two blondes in a canoe? A: Fur traders.
  • Q: What do you call two spiders who just got married? A: Newlywebs.
  • Q: What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins? A: A pair of Re-bachs.
  • Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again and continue riding? A: Bach in the saddle again.
  • Q: What do you get if you cross a lamp with a violin? A: You get light music.
  • Q: What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? A: Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
  • Q: What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a research grant? A: A mad scientist.
  • Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician? A: Chelsea.
  • Q: What do you get when you cross a matzo ball with LSD? A: A trip to Israel.
  • Q: What do you get when you cross a perm with a rabbit? A: Curly hare.
  • Q: What do you get when you cross an Arab with a Mexican? A: Oil of Ole'
  • Q: What do you get when you cross and Chinese and a Mexican man? A: A car thief who can't drive!
  • Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A: A flat minor.
  • Q: What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole? A: A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone
  • Q: What do you get when you play a new age song backwards? A: A new age song.
  • Q: What do you get when you put a bomb and a dinosaur together? A: Dino-mite.
  • Q: What do you get when you put an experimental monkey in a blender? A: Rhesus Pieces.
  • Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in? A: Have another beer.
  • Q: What do you say to a dog before he eats? - A: Bone appetite!
  • Q: What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? A: Anything you want. He can't hear you.
  • Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit? A: Will the defendant please rise.
  • Q: What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away? A: Root position cords.
  • Q: What does Bill Clinton have in common with former great Presidents? A: Absolutely nothing.
  • Q: What does Clinton do to lose weight? A: Runs away from the draft.
  • Q: What does Clinton have in common with his Hollywood pals? A: They all make a living by lying to people.
  • Q: What does K-mart stand for? A: Kuz Mexicans Are Rich Too
  • Q: What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving? A: Turkey.
  • Q: What does Santa call his wife at tax time? A: A dependent Claus.
  • Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did? A: A dead girlfriend.
  • Q: What does a 75-year-old woman have between her breasts that a 25-year-old doesn't? A: Her navel.
  • Q: What does a bankrupt frog say? A: Baroke, baroke, baroke.
  • Q: What does a blonde and a turtle have in common? A: If either one of them end up on there back they are both f*cked.
  • Q: What does a blonde answer to the question Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there.
  • Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner? A: Reservations.
  • Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, what?
  • Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? A: Her ankles.
  • Q: What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms? A: Way to go team.
  • Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is working? A: Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.
  • Q: What does a blonde say when you asked her what the last two words of the national anthem are? A: Play ball.
  • Q: What does a proud computer call his little son? A: A microchip off the old block.
  • Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.
  • Q: What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common? A: Both can smell it but can't eat it.
  • Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common? A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
  • Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
  • Q: What goes krab, krab, krab? - A: A dog barking in a mirror.
  • Q: What happened to the Indian who drank too much tea? A: He drowned in his teapea.
  • Q: What happened to the Irishman who tried to kill himself by. swallowing 100 pain killers? A: After two he began to feel better.
  • Q: What happened to the Polish National Library? A: Someone stole the book.
  • Q: What happened when Bill Clinton got a shot of testosterone? A: He turned into Hillary!
  • Q: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus? - A: It stole the show!
  • Q: What happened when the elephant sat on the car? A: Everyone knows a Mercedes Bends!
  • Q: What happens if you cross a midget and a computer? A: You get a short circut.
  • Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards? A: You get your job and your wife back.
  • Q: What happens when a Polak doesn't pay his garbage bill? A: They stop delivering.
  • Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A: Her IQ goes up!
  • Q: What has Clinton done that no one has been able to do in the last 5 years? A: Unite the Republican Party.
  • Q: What has an IQ of 42? A: 40 Marines plus their lieutenant
  • Q: What has dual airbags and has lots of room? A: The White House.
  • Q: What has got four legs and an arm? - A: A Rottweiler in a playground.
  • Q: What is 61 to a blonde? A: She wants 8 (ate) more.
  • Q: What is 68 to a blonde? A: Where she goes down on you and you owe her one.
  • Q: What is 74 to a blonde? A: 69 plus VAT
  • Q: What is Clinton's plan to create thousands of small businesses? A: Take thousands of big businesses and wait four years.
  • Q: What is Iraq's national bird? A: Duck
  • Q: What is Iraq's national bird? A: Duck.
  • Q: What is a Budget? A: An orderly system for living beyond your means.
  • Q: What is a bellybutton for? A: It gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down.
  • Q: What is a blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears? A: She's trying to hold on to a thought.
  • Q: What is a blonde's definition of a naval destroyer? A: A hula hoop with a nail in it.
  • Q: What is a bus? A: A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
  • Q: What is a conservative? A: A liberal who's been mugged.
  • Q: What is a crowbar? A: A place were crows go to get a drink!
  • Q: What is a four-letter word that ends in 'k' and means the same as intercourse? A: Talk
  • Q: What is dumber than the Blonde jokes above? A: Me for wasting hours editing and typing these damn things.
  • Q: What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat? A: Almond Joy candy bar
  • Q: What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called? A: The man.
  • Q: What is the basement where White House staffers work called? A: The whine cellar.
  • Q: What is the best Iraqi job? A: Foreign Ambassador
  • Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have? A: One that never misses a period.
  • Q: What is the best recording of the Walton viola concerto? A: Music Minus One.
  • Q: What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas? A: Highway 55.
  • Q: What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment? A: She can't say No.
  • Q: What is the definition of Death? A: When you stop paying taxes suddenly.
  • Q: What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet? A: A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!
  • Q: What is the definition of a major seventh? A: A violist playing octaves.
  • Q: What is the definition of an optimist? A: An accordion player with a pager.
  • Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance? A: 144 blondes.
  • Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman? A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.
  • Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Elvis? A: Elvis was drafted and served proudly in the Army.
  • Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter? A: Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.
  • Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda? A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.
  • Q: What is the difference between Liverpool football and a tea bag? A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
  • Q: What is the difference between Windows 95 and Windows 98? A: 3 years
  • Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor? A: About 10 pounds.
  • Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw? A: One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the other is a bird.
  • Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? A: A chain saw has a dynamic range.
  • Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an Uzi submachine gun? A: An Uzi only repeats 40 times.
  • Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor? A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.
  • Q: What is the difference between a cello and a coffin? A: The coffin has the corpse on the inside.
  • Q: What is the difference between a dog and a viola? A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.
  • Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color.
  • Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy? A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.
  • Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw? A: It's all in the grip.
  • Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and bigfoot? A: Bigfoot has been sighted.
  • Q: What is the difference between a trombone and a trumpet? A: A trombone will bend before it breaks.
  • Q: What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? A: King Kong is more sensitive.
  • Q: What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline? A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.
  • Q: What is the difference between a violin and a viola? A: A viola burns longer.
  • Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist? A: Terrorists have sympathizers.
  • Q: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs? A: Some traffic signs say stop.
  • Q: What is the difference between medium and rare? A: 6 inches is medium, 8 inches is rare.
  • Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section? A: Half a measure.
  • Q: What is the first thing off the truck at a trailer fire? A: Lawn chair.
  • Q: What is the first thing that President Clinton says after waking up? A: Good morning, Bill.
  • Q: What is the missing link between the bass and the ape? A: The baritone.
  • Q: What is the one thing you will never hear a man say? A: Her tits are just too big.
  • Q: What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President? A: A competent liberal President.
  • Q: What is the pink stuff between elephant's toes? A: Slow clowns.
  • Q: What is the range of a tuba? A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm.
  • Q: What is the smartest thing that can come out of a blonde's mouth? A: Einstein's dick.
  • Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? A: Proofreading.
  • Q: What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A: A LOCOmotive.
  • Q: What kind of cats lay around the house? - A: Car-pets!
  • Q: What kind of dog does a dracula like? - A: A Bloodhound.
  • Q: What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in? A: Handcuffs.
  • Q: What kind of neckwear does Hillary Clinton look best in? A: A noose.
  • Q: What kind of snake is good at math? A: An adder.
  • Q: What kind of suit does a bee wear to work? A: A buzzness suit!
  • Q: What kind of witch goes to the beach? A: Sandwitch
  • Q: What kind of work does a weak cat do? - A: Light mouse work.
  • Q: What kinds of people don't get invited to blonde parties? A: Women!
  • Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
  • Q: What side of the dog has the most fur? - A: The Outside.
  • Q: What thoughts do Blondes have after reading these jokes? A: None, as usual. . . and they most likely didn't understand them either.
  • Q: What was the last thing a blonde heard before dying of old age? A: Today children, we will learn our ABC's
  • Q: What was the most flexiest dinosaur? A: Tyrannosaurus Flex.
  • Q: What was the real purpose of Bill's college visit to Moscow? A: To study economics.
  • Q: What were the three toughest years in Al Gore's life? A: Grade six.
  • Q: What what can you make from baked beans and onions? A: Tear gas.
  • Q: What will Bill's favorite retail outlet be after his economic blueprint takes effect? A: Everything's $100.
  • Q: What will you never say about a banjo player? A: That's the banjo player's porsche.
  • Q: What word begins with the letter F and ends in UCK? A: FIRETRUCK.
  • Q: What would you call an Arab who owns a harem of cows? A: A milk sheik!
  • Q: What you get when four men go fishing and one comes back not catching anything. A: Three Men And A Baby
  • Q: What's Clinton's favorite baseball team? A: The Dodgers.
  • Q: What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime? A: Paddy O'Furniture!
  • Q: What's Osama Bin Laden going to be for Halloween? A: Dead.
  • Q: What's a blonde's favorite color? A: A light shade of clear.
  • Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine? A: Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!
  • Q: What's a cat's favorite food? - A: Petatoes!
  • Q: What's a cat's second favorite food? - A: Spa-catti!
  • Q: What's a conservative? A: A liberal who made it through adolescence.
  • Q: What's an accordion good for? A: Learning how to fold a map.
  • Q: What's another name for the Intel Inside sticker they put on Pentiums? A: The warning label.
  • Q: What's black and dangerous and lives in a tree? A: A gorilla with a machine gun.
  • Q: What's black, white and read all over? A: A newspaper.
  • Q: What's brown and in a baby's diaper? A: Michael Jackson's hand! !
  • Q: What's delaying the Polish space program? A: Development of a working match.
  • Q: What's every cat's favorite song? - A: Three Blind Mice!
  • Q: What's got four legs and no ears? A: Mike Tyson's dog.
  • Q: What's green and purple and goes up and down? A: Barney in an elevator.
  • Q: What's musical and handy in a supermarket? A: A Chopin Liszt.
  • Q: What's one thing everybody sees in a blonde? A: A dick.
  • Q: What's pink and red and can't turn round in a corridor? A: A baby with a javellin through its head.
  • Q: What's the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials? A: A police lineup.
  • Q: What's the best way to accelerate a Mac? A: 9. 81 m/s2
  • Q: What's the best way to kill a man? A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
  • Q: What's the capital of Afghanistan? A: KABOOM! !
  • Q: What's the definition of a gentleman? A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
  • Q: What's the definition of a nerd? A: Someone who has his or her own alto clarinet.
  • Q: What's the definition of a teenager? A: God's punishment for enjoying sex.
  • Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch? A: When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides.
  • Q: What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile? A: Aeroflot has killed more people.
  • Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh? A: Koresh only burned 85 people.
  • Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter? A: It took Bill less than 100 days to botch a military mission.
  • Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin? A: Some of Stalin's subjects admired him.
  • Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a container of yogurt? A: Yogurt has culture.
  • Q: What's the difference between David Beckham and an airplane model kit? A: One's a glueless kit and the other's a clueless git!
  • Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots? A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
  • Q: What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull? A: The pit bull doesn't carry a briefcase.
  • Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde? A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.
  • Q: What's the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver? A: The bus driver stops to let the kids out.
  • Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? A: It only takes one nail to hang the picture.
  • Q: What's the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress? A: No fee--If No Recovery!
  • Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
  • Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
  • Q: What's the difference between a blonde and McDonald's? A: A blonde serves more people in a night.
  • Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick? A: When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining.
  • Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet? A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.
  • Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth? A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.
  • Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator? A: The blonde works in the dark!
  • Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley? A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
  • Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
  • Q: What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman? A: The car salesman can probably drive!
  • Q: What's the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion? A: A chainsaw can be tuned.
  • Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician? A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts.
  • Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde? A: One's a phony buck.
  • Q: What's the difference between a horse and the weather? A: One is reined up and the other rains down.
  • Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde? A: When you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking.
  • Q: What's the difference between a violist and a dressmaker? A: A dressmaker tucks up frills.
  • Q: What's the difference between an onion and an accordion? A: No-one cries when you chop up an accordion.
  • Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised? A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
  • Q: What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
  • Q: What's the differents between Bill Clinton and an elephant? A: About 20 pounds and a jogging suit.
  • Q: What's the highest position in the Greek Navy? A: Rear Admiral!
  • Q: What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones? A: I didn't wake up this morning. . .
  • Q: What's the motto of the Polish Solidarity Union? A: Every man for himself.
  • Q: What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper? A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too.
  • Q: What's the range of an accordion? A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!
  • Q: What's the slowest thing in the world? A: A Mexican funeral with only two sets of jumper cables.
  • Q: What's the ultimate embarrassment for a blonde? A: When her ben-wa balls set off the airport metal detector.
  • Q: Whatever happened to the bedbugs who fell in love? A: They got married in the spring.
  • Q: Whats the difference between a 90s woman and a - computer? A: A 90s woman won't accept a three-and-a-half-inch floppy.
  • Q: Whats the difference between erotic and kinky? A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.
  • Q: Whats the difference between purple and pink? A: The grip.
  • Q: When did Clinton's friends become sure that he had political ambitions? A: When he married outside of his family.
  • Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain? A: After a dye job.
  • Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car.
  • Q: When is a bad time to cross a black cat? A: When you are a mouse!
  • Q: When is a farmer like a magician? A: When he turns his cow to pasture.
  • Q: When is a strange dog most likely to go into your house? - A: When the door is open.
  • Q: When was the longest day in the Bible? A: The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.
  • Q: When will there be a woman in the White House? A: When Hillary leaves town.
  • Q: When's the best time to take your doberman pinscher for a walk? - A: Anytime he wants to go.
  • Q: Where did the kittens go on their class trip? - A: To a mewseum.
  • Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives? A: The vegetable garden.
  • Q: Where do cats write down notes? - A: Scratch Paper!
  • Q: Where do people who say shoot and darn go to? A: Heck
  • Q: Where do you find 60 million french jokes? A: In France.
  • Q: Where do you look for blonde's obituaries? A: Under Home Improvements.
  • Q: Where does Napolean keep his armies? A: In his sleevies!
  • Q: Where does an Irish person go on a vacation? A: A new bar
  • Q: Where is the world's fastest chicken from? A: Ethiopia!
  • Q: Which game did the cat want to play with the mouse? - A: Catch.
  • Q: Which is easier for a man to leave: the women or the Wine? A: It depends on the age.
  • Q: Which is harder to make? A blonde, brunette or a red-headed snowman? A: A blonde, because you have to hollow out its head,
  • Q: Which positions does a violist use? A: First, third, and emergency.
  • Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A: Ask your mother.
  • Q: Which way did the programmer go? A: He went DATA way!
  • Q: Who would become President of the U. S. A if the President died? A: Bill Clinton of course!
  • Q: Why are blondes hurt by people's words? A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
  • Q: Why are blondes like corn flakes? A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
  • Q: Why are brunettes so proud of their hair? A: It matches their mustaches.
  • Q: Why are conductors' hearts popular for transplants? A: They've had little use.
  • Q: Why are cowgirls bowlegged? A: Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.
  • Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short? A: So brunettes can remember them.
  • Q: Why are frogs so happy? A: They eat whatever bugs them!
  • Q: Why are gorillas so noisy? A: They were raised in a zoo!
  • Q: Why are men like laxatives? A: They irritate the shit out of you.
  • Q: Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long? A: So the violists don't need to be retrained.
  • Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: Because they can't afford any more pork.
  • Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: Reagan ate all the jellybeans.
  • Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: They've been having turkey for years.
  • Q: Why are there more jokes about Waco than Jonestown? A: The punch lines were too long in Jonestown.
  • Q: Why aren't Clinton White House staffers given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them.
  • Q: Why aren't Hindu and Chinese people allowed to play hockey? A: Because everytime they go into the corner they open up a convienent store.
  • Q: Why can't Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against his critics? A: Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame.
  • Q: Why can't Chinese Barbecue? A: Because the rice falls through the grill
  • Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes? A: They always forget the recipe.
  • Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs? A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
  • Q: Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? A: He has got no beef.
  • Q: Why couldn't the animals on Noah's Ark play cards? A: Because Noah was standing on the deck!
  • Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and 7 on a calulator? A: She couldn't find the 10 key.
  • Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN? A: Because she didn't know which one came first!
  • Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN? A: She didn't know what ONE came first. . .
  • Q: Why couldn't the cat speak? A: The dog taped his mouth.
  • Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road? A: To meet the chick.
  • Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road? A: To tax the chicken.
  • Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier? A: To promote off-shore drilling.
  • Q: Why did Clinton waffle on military action in Bosnia? A: His area of expertise is dodging armed conflict.
  • Q: Why did God create man before woman? A: He didn't want any advice.
  • Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years? A: Even then men wouldn't ask for directions!
  • Q: Why did eighteen blondes go to the movies together? A: They heard that under seventeen weren't admitted!
  • Q: Why did god give blonde's 2 more brain cells than he gave cows? A: So they wouldn't shit all over when you played with their tits.
  • Q: Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses? A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.
  • Q: Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory? A: Because she was a plant eater!
  • Q: Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo? A: They make good paddles.
  • Q: Why did the Canadian cross the road? A: He saw some American do it on TV.
  • Q: Why did the Davidians commit suicide? A: They were trying to keep up with the Joneses.
  • Q: Why did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton? A: Because he filed as head of the household.
  • Q: Why did the Italian boy want to grow a mustache? A: So he could look like his mama.
  • Q: Why did the Jews wander in the desert for forty years? A: Somebody dropped a shekel.
  • Q: Why did the Mummy go to the bathroom? A: To wrap itself in toilet paper!
  • Q: Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? A: Because he is a meat eater!
  • Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist? A: He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the bass player which one.
  • Q: Why did the blond quit his restroom attendant job? A: He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer!
  • Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A: To turn the blinker off.
  • Q: Why did the blonde fail her drivers licence? A: She wasn't used to the front seat!
  • Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
  • Q: Why did the blonde give a blow job after sex? A: She wanted to have her cock and eat it too.
  • Q: Why did the blonde give up bowling for screwing? A: The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
  • Q: Why did the blonde guy ask his girlfriend to squeeze his left testicle? A: Because the road sign said 'Squeeze Left. '
  • Q: Why did the blonde guy put ice in his condom? A: To keep the swelling down.
  • Q: Why did the blonde have a hysterectomy? A: She wanted to stop having grandchildren.
  • Q: Why did the blonde jump off the cliff? A: She thought her maxi pad had wings
  • Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
  • Q: Why did the blonde keep a empty carton of milk in the fridge? A: In case she wanted black coffee.
  • Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer? A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.
  • Q: Why did the blonde make love in the microwave? A: She wanted to have a baby in 9 minutes.
  • Q: Why did the blonde only smell good on the right side? A: She didn't know where to buy Left Guard!
  • Q: Why did the blonde snort Sweet-n-Low? A: She thought it was Diet Coke.
  • Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? A: She saw 911 on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
  • Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian? A: Because she loved children.
  • Q: Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired? A: Because he couldn't keep his calves together!
  • Q: Why did the boy bring a ladder to chorus? A: He wanted to sing higher!
  • Q: Why did the chicken say, Meow, oink, bow-wow, and moo? A: He was studying foreign languages.
  • Q: Why did the clown cross the road? A: To find his rubber chicken.
  • Q: Why did the clown wear loud socks? A: So his feet wouldn't fall asleep.
  • Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road? A: Because the chicken wasn't invented yet.
  • Q: Why did the dog cross the road? - A: Because it was the chickens day off.
  • Q: Why did the eskimo wash his clothes in Tide? A: Because it was too cold outside.
  • Q: Why did the farmer call his pig Ink? A: Because it was always running out of the pen.
  • Q: Why did the gorilla fall out of the tree? A: Because it was dead.
  • Q: Why did the haunted house not like rain? A: Because it dampened his spirits.
  • Q: Why did the lazy person buy a tall dog? - A: So that they didn't have to bend down to pet it.
  • Q: Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it? A: A blonde tried to shoot herself!
  • Q: Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens? - A: Because she wanted to mail a litter.
  • Q: Why did the old lady put wheels on her rocking chair? A: She wanted to rock and roll
  • Q: Why did the rooster cross the road? A: To get to the chick across the street!
  • Q: Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? A: To win the no-bell prize.
  • Q: Why did the turkey cross the road? A: To prove he wasn't chicken.
  • Q: Why did the witch's mail rattle? A: It was a chain letter.
  • Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586? A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585. 999983605.
  • Q: Why didn't Noah go fishing? A: He only had two worms!
  • Q: Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? A: Because she had no guts!
  • Q: Why didn't the blondes go to the movies on one buck night? A: They couldn't fit a deer into the car.
  • Q: Why do Greek men wear gold neck chains? A: So they know where to stop shaving.
  • Q: Why do Polish hate Cauchy's dog? (hint on Cauchy-Riemann theorem)A: Because it leaves residues at each Pole.
  • Q: Why do Polish names end in ski? A: Because they can't spell tobbagan.
  • Q: Why do Polish police cars have stripes on the side? A: So the cops can find the handles.
  • Q: Why do Southern guys go to family reunions? A: To meet chicks.
  • Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A: To get away from the noise.
  • Q: Why do bikes have kick-stands? A: Because they're two-tired.
  • Q: Why do blonde nurses bring red magic markers to work? A: In case they have to draw blood.
  • Q: Why do blonde's get confused in the ladies room? A: They have to pull their own pants down.
  • Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives? A: They always forget the 11 in 9-1-1.
  • Q: Why do blondes always drink with straws? A: Practice.
  • Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs? A1: Because they can spell it. A2: Because they can spell BWM.
  • Q: Why do blondes drive VWs? A: Because they can spell it.
  • Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms? A: They're too hard to peel.
  • Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces? A: From eating with forks.
  • Q: Why do blondes have orgasms? A: So they know when to stop having sex.
  • Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering? ? ? ? A: More head room
  • Q: Why do blondes occupy about 90% of the net bandwidth? A: Because they keep accidentally deleting their copies of the blonde joke list.
  • Q: Why do blondes put rulers on their foreheads? A: They want to measure their intelligence.
  • Q: Why do blondes stand under light bulbs? A: It's the closest they'll come to a bright idea.
  • Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch everything that goes over their heads
  • Q: Why do brunettes know so many blonde jokes? A: Gives 'em something to do on Saturday night!
  • Q: Why do cats eat fur balls? - A: Because they love a good gag!
  • Q: Why do cats like to hear other cats make noise? - A: It's meow-sic to their ears!
  • Q: Why do divorced men get married again? A: Bad memory.
  • Q: Why do dogs bury bones in the ground? - A: Because you can't bury them in the sky!
  • Q: Why do drummers always have trouble entering a room? A: They never know when to come in.
  • Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils? A: They have big fingers.
  • Q: Why do hens lay eggs? A: If they dropped them, they'd break
  • Q: Why do liberals travel in threes? A: One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.
  • Q: Why do men become smarter during sex? A: Because they are plugged into a genius.
  • Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes.
  • Q: Why do men float better than women? A: Because they are scum.
  • Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis? A: So they can think with an open mind.
  • Q: Why do men like blonde jokes? ? A: Because they can understand them.
  • Q: Why do so many fishermen own banjos? A: They make great anchors!
  • Q: Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1? A: For spare parts.
  • Q: Why do they say 'Amen' at the end of a prayer instead of 'Awomen'? A: The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!
  • Q: Why do women have tits? A: So men will talk to them.
  • Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A: They don't have balls to scratch.
  • Q: Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly? A: Heredity.
  • Q: Why does Clinton always have a stupid grin on his face? A: He is stupid!
  • Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes? A: They're doing research on black holes.
  • Q: Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom? A: So she can have a doggie bag for later.
  • Q: Why does a dog wag it's tail? - A: No one else will do it for them
  • Q: Why does a viola burn longer than a violin? A: It is usually still in the case.
  • Q: Why does everyone hate a banjo right off? A: Saves time.
  • Q: Why does everyone love cats? - A: They're purr-fect!
  • Q: Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely? A: Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President!
  • Q: Why doesn't Bill like old houses? A: He's afraid of the draft.
  • Q: Why doesn't Saddam go out drinking? A: Why should he when he can get bombed at home?
  • Q: Why doesn't the dinosaur cross the road anymore? A: Because their eggs stink. (They're extinct)
  • Q: Why don't Deputy Fire Marshals look out the window in the morning? A: So they have something to do in the afternoon.
  • Q: Why don't Polish people kill frogs? A: Because it's their national bird.
  • Q: Why don't blind people skydive? A: It scares the heck out of the dog.
  • Q: Why don't blonde's like audio-books? A: There aren't any pictures.
  • Q: Why don't blondes eat Jelly? A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
  • Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas? A1: They can't find the zipper. A2: They cant find the pull tab.
  • Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs? A: They don't know the route.
  • Q: Why don't blondes like buttered toast? A: They can't figure out which side the butter goes on.
  • Q: Why don't men fake orgasm? A: Coz no man would pull those faces on purpose.
  • Q: Why don't they know where Mozart is buried? A: Because he's Haydn!
  • Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq? A: They don't want to wear out the camel.
  • Q: Why don't violists play hide and seek? A: Because no one will look for them.
  • Q: Why don't women have men's brains? A: Because they don't have penises to put them in.
  • Q: Why don't you wear snow boots? A: Because they'll melt.
  • Q: Why is Bill Clinton's economic plan called positively atheist? A: Because it hasn't got a prayer.
  • Q: Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea's new private school? A: They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform.
  • Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton a miracle child? A: Because lawyers use their personalities for birth control.
  • Q: Why is Clinton prone to losing his voice? A: He keeps having to eat his words.
  • Q: Why is a blonde like Australia? A: They're both down under, and no one cares.
  • Q: Why is a dog's nose in the middle of it's face? - A: Because it's the scenter.
  • Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white? A: So he can tell if he is coming or going.
  • Q: Why is a violinist like a Scud missile? A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.
  • Q: Why is being in the military like a blow job? A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
  • Q: Why is it dangerous to let your man's mind wander? A: It's too little to be out alone.
  • Q: Why is it good that accordionists have a half-ounce more brains than horses? A: So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.
  • Q: Why is the banjo player a fiddle player's best friend? A: Without him, the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on earth.
  • Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning? A: It swells at night.
  • Q: Why should you keep a blonde on the job 7 days a week? A: So you don't have to retrain them every Monday.
  • Q: Why was a blind man's leg wet? A: Her dog was blind too.
  • Q: Why was the blonde confused after giving birth to twins? A: She couldn't figure out who the other mother was.
  • Q: Why was the blondes' belly button sore? A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too.
  • Q: Why were the Clintonites pushing the BTU Tax? A: Because they could spell it.
  • Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer? A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.
  • Q: You go to a cockfight. How do you know if a Polak is there? A: He's the one with a duck.
  • Q: You know what the problem with political jokes is, don't you? A: They get elected.
  • Q: how many vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: YOU DON'T KNOW! YOU WEREN'T THERE, MAN! ! ! YOU'LL NEVER KNOW! ! ! ! !
  • Q: what's a biologists definition of a graphA: an animal with a long neck
  • Q:What did one plate say to the other plate? A:('Lunch is on me! ')
  • Q:What did the tornado say to the car? A:('You wanna go for a spin? ')
  • Q:What do you get when you cross a snake and a kangaroo? A:('A jump rope')
  • Q:What should Iraq get for its air defense system? A:A refund.
  • Q:What's the fastest way to end an Iraqi bingo game? A:Call B52
  • Q:Why did the man put his money in the freezer? A:('He wanted cold hard cash! ')
  • Q:what did the fish say when he hit the concrete wall? A:Damn
  • Q:what do you catch when you go ice fishing A:a cold
  • QUESTION: Do you know what is honeymoon? ANSWER: A short period of doting between dating and debting.
  • QUESTION: How long does a United States Congressman serve? ANSWER: Until he gets caught.
  • QUESTION: Name the loser in the 1976 presidential race. ANSWER: The American people.
  • QUESTION: What do you get from a bee that has an udder? ANSWER: Milk and honey.
  • QUESTION: What is honeymoon? ANSWER: That brief span of time between, I do and You'd better!
  • QUESTION: What is the difference between a Battery and a woman? ANSWER: A battery has a positive side.
  • QUESTION: What's the best way to get a youthful figure? ANSWER: Ask a woman her age.
  • QUESTION: Why are lifesavers better than men? ANSWER: They come in five flavors.
  • QUESTION: Why should a honeymoon only be six days? ANSWER: Because seven days makes a whole week.
  • Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
  • Question Authority before it Questions You!
  • Question: How many men does it take to mop the floor? Answer: None, it's a women's job.
  • Question: If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
  • Question: What did the dead raccoon say in his will? Answer: Leave it to Beaver.
  • Question: What do elephants use for tampoons? Answer: Sheep.
  • Question: What do you call a gay dinosaur? Answer: Mega-sore-ass.
  • Question: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Answer: A Lickalotopus.
  • Question: What goes up and never comes down? Answer: Up
  • Question: What's another name for pickled bread? Answer: Dill-dough.
  • Question: What's the difference between sin and shame? Answer: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
  • Question: What's the major cause of divorce? Answer: Once is not enough.
  • Question: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants? Answer: He heard the snowblower coming.
  • Question: Why is divorce so expensive? Answer: Because it's worth it.
  • Quiet! Genius at work.
  • Quit Picking On Me!
  • Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
  • RAPTURE THIS!
  • REAL SCOTSMEN WEAR KILTS because sheep can hear a zipper at 500 yards!
  • Rabbit: Are you sure this bottle of special carrot juice will cure me? Doctor: Absolutely. No rabbit ever came back for another.
  • Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
  • Raising children is like getting pecked to death by a chicken!
  • Rapture-- the only way to fly!
  • Re-elect Bush: I'm tired of waiting for the Apocalypse.
  • Read the Bible -- It will scare the hell out of you.
  • Read the book I gave you, there will be a test -- God
  • Read your Bible. There WILL be a pop quiz.....
  • Real Men Love JESUS!
  • Real Men love Jesus. He looks fantastic in a miniskirt!
  • Real Programmers Don't Document. If it was hard to write, it should be impossible to understand!
  • Real Psychics don't have 1-900 numbers. They call you... collect!
  • Real feminists don't kill baby feminists
  • Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.
  • Real men keep promises, I do
  • Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges!
  • Real women drive trucks.
  • Reality bites, and I have the teeth marks to prove it!
  • Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
  • Reality is an illusion caused by the lack of alcohol.
  • Reality is for people with no imagination
  • Reality is the Anchovy on the Pizza of Life
  • Reality is the Hairball in the Catnap of Life
  • Reality is the leading cause of stress
  • Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
  • Really want to eat my bumper for dessert?... My brakes will help you!
  • Rebel PRIDE!
  • Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is!
  • Redneck Commandment #1. Y'all shalt always remember your manners.
  • Redneck Commandment #10. Y'all shalt always remember where you come from.
  • Redneck Commandment #2. Y'all shalt make no fuss over yourself.
  • Redneck Commandment #3. Y'all shalt not sass ya' mama.
  • Redneck Commandment #4. Y'all shalt always wonder what your daddy would think.
  • Redneck Commandment #5. Y'all shalt always talk the way you grow'ed up.
  • Redneck Commandment #6. Y'all shalt tell no whoppers unless you are in a situation where you are expected to.
  • Redneck Commandment #7. Y'all shalt demonstrate your great faith by the way you drive.
  • Redneck Commandment #8. Y'all shalt always clean your plate.
  • Redneck Commandment #9. Y'all shalt hold kinfolk in high regard, regardless of what you really think of 'em.
  • Redneck Compliment: Cute as a sack full of puppies.
  • Redneck Compliment: Cute as a speckled pup on Christmas morning.
  • Redneck Compliment: Gooder than grits.
  • Redneck Compliment: If I felt any better I'd have to shoot myself in the foot.
  • Redneck Compliment: If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.
  • Redneck Computer Term: BACKUP: What you do when you run over a skunk in the woods.
  • Redneck Computer Term: BAR CODE: Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern.
  • Redneck Computer Term: BUG: The reason you give for calling in sick.
  • Redneck Computer Term: BYTE: What your pit bull dun to cousin Jethro.
  • Redneck Computer Term: CACHE: Needed when you run out of food stamps.
  • Redneck Computer Term: CHIP: Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
  • Redneck Computer Term: COMPUTER TERMINAL: Time to call the undertaker.
  • Redneck Computer Term: CRASH: When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
  • Redneck Computer Term: DIGITAL: The art of counting on your fingers.
  • Redneck Computer Term: DISKETTE: A female Disco dancer.
  • Redneck Computer Term: FAX: What you lie about to the IRS.
  • Redneck Computer Term: HACKER: Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
  • Redneck Computer Term: INTERNET: Where cafeteria workers keep their hair.
  • Redneck Computer Term: KEYBOARD: Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
  • Redneck Computer Term: MAC: Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
  • Redneck Computer Term: MEGAHERTZ: How your head feels after 17 beers.
  • Redneck Computer Term: MODEM: What ya do when the grass gets too high.
  • Redneck Computer Term: MOUSE PAD: Where Mickey and Minnie live.
  • Redneck Computer Term: NETWORK: Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
  • Redneck Computer Term: ONLINE: Where you stay when taking the sobriety test.
  • Redneck Computer Term: ROM: Where the pope lives.
  • Redneck Computer Term: SCREEN: Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
  • Redneck Computer Term: SCSI: What you call your week-old underwear
  • Redneck Computer Term: SERIAL PORT: A red wine you drink with breakfast.
  • Redneck Computer Term: SUPERCONDUCTOR: Amtrak's Employee of the year.
  • Redneck Description: A bothersome person is "like a booger that you just can't thump off."
  • Redneck Description: A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
  • Redneck Description: He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin.
  • Redneck Description: If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
  • Redneck Description: When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
  • Redneck Insult: Any insult is always followed by "bless his/her heart" - Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."
  • Redneck Insult: He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
  • Redneck Insult: She's uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits.
  • Redneck Insult: She's uglier than homemade soap.
  • Redneck Insult: The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead
  • Redneck Insult: They didn't stop with the ugly stick they beat her with the whole tree.
  • Redneck Insult: Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, all it said was 'To be continued.'
  • Redneck Threat: Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whup-ass on ya!
  • Redneck Threat: I'll hit you so hard your socks will roll up and down.
  • Redneck Threat: I'll jar your preserves.
  • Redneck Threat: I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style.
  • Redneck Tip: A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost-effective, but also a proven fly deterrent.
  • Redneck Tip: A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist
  • Redneck Tip: Always allow your date first pick of any roadkill you run across.
  • Redneck Tip: Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
  • Redneck Tip: Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
  • Redneck Tip: Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
  • Redneck Tip: Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
  • Redneck Tip: Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.
  • Redneck Tip: Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
  • Redneck Tip: Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
  • Redneck Tip: Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
  • Redneck Tip: Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
  • Redneck Tip: Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
  • Redneck Tip: Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for your reputation.
  • Redneck Tip: Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
  • Redneck Tip: If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
  • Redneck Tip: If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
  • Redneck Tip: If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.
  • Redneck Tip: Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.
  • Redneck Tip: It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
  • Redneck Tip: Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.
  • Redneck Tip: Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
  • Redneck Tip: Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
  • Redneck Tip: Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
  • Redneck Tip: Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
  • Redneck Tip: No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery.
  • Redneck Tip: Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However if you live alone deodorant is a waste of good money.
  • Redneck Tip: Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
  • Redneck Tip: Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.
  • Redneck Tip: The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
  • Redneck Tip: Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be hand-me-down item.
  • Redneck Tip: When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
  • Redneck Tip: When dancing, never remove undergarments; no matter how hot it is.
  • Redneck Tip: When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
  • Redneck Tip: When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
  • Redneck Tip: While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Ah - The things you see with.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Aig - Which came first, the chicken or the aig?
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Arn - An electrical instrument used to remove wrinkles from clothing.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Ay-rab - The people who inhabit much of North Africa.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Bawl - What water does.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Bidness - The art of selling something for more than you paid for it.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Bobbycue - A delectable Southern sandwich of chopped pork, cole slaw, and a fiery sauce.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Bud - Small feathered creature that flies.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Cheer - A piece of furniture used for sitting.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Chekatawfarya - Heard at service stations in small Southern towns.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Co-Cola - Soft drink.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Crine - Weeping.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Daints - A more or less formal event in which members of the opposite sex hold each other and move rhythmically to the south of music.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Dawfins - Name of the professional football team in Miami.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Doc - A condition caused by the absence of light.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Etlanna - The city General Sherman burned during the war for Southern independence.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Everthang - All-encompassing.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Far - A state of combustion that produces heat and light.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Foller - Spies and private detectives spend a lot of time doing this.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Git - To acquire.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Goff- A game played with clubs and a little white ball.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Gull - A young female.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Hale - Where General Sherman went for what he did to Etlanna.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Heidi - noun. Greeting
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Hep - To aid or benefit.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Idinit - "Mighty hot today, idinit?"
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Keer - To be concerned.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Lieberry - A building containing thousands of literary works.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Moanin - Between daybreak and noon.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Motuhsickle - A two-wheeled missile with a powerful engine.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Munts - The 12 units into which the calendar year is divided.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Nawth - Any part of the country outside of the South.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Nekkid - To be unclothed.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Ovair - In that direction.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Own - Instead of awf.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Phrasin - Very cold.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Pitcher - An image, either drawn or photographed.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Sebmup - Soft drink similar to ginger ale.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Show - "It show is hot today."
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Spearmint - Something scientist do.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Stow - Place where things are sold.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Tal - What you dry off with after you take a share.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Tar - Round inflatable object on car that sometimes goes flat.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Uhmukin - Someone who lives in the United States of Uhmurka.
  • Redneck Vocabulary: Zackly - Precisely
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - "Alex, I'll take Shakespeare for 1000."
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - Checkmate.
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - Deer heads detract from the decor.
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - Do you think my hair is too big?
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - Duct tape won't fix that.
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - Elvis who?
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - I don't have a favorite college team.
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - I thought Graceland was tacky.
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - I'll have the arugula and ridicchio salad.
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - I've got it all on a floppy disk.
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - She's too old to be wearing a bikini.
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - Spitting is such a nasty habit.
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - The tires on that truck are too big.
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - Trim the fat off that steak.
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - Unsweetened tea tastes better.
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - We don't keep firearms in this house.
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - We're vegetarians.
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - Who's Richard Petty?
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - Would you like you fish poached or broiled?
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - Wrasslin's fake.
  • Redneck Would Not Say: - You can't feed that to the dog.
  • Redneck on The Weather: It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.
  • Redneck on The Weather: It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.
  • Redneck on The Weather: Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than owl snot.
  • Reduce your plan to writing... The moment you complete this, you will have definitely given concrete form to the intangible desire.
  • Ref: I'm sending you off Player: What for? Ref: The rest of the match!
  • Regardless of circumstances, each man lives in a world of his own making.
  • Regular or extra-crispy: How will you spend eternity?
  • Rehab is for quitters.
  • Reincarnation is making a comeback!
  • Reincarnation: Been that, done there.
  • Rejoice! Your Mom was not PRO-CHOICE.God doesn't believe in Atheists
  • Religion is for those who fear hell. Spirituality is for those who have been there.
  • Religions are cults with more members.
  • Religions are just large Cults!
  • Religions are like cults- just more people
  • Religious freedom means ANY religion!
  • Religious groups should stay out of politics; or be taxed
  • Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
  • Remember Lot's wife
  • Remember September 11 Forever!
  • Remember happiness doesn't depend upon who you are or what you have; it depends solely on what you think.
  • Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
  • Remember when Windows were washed, mice were trapped, and UNIX guarded the harem?
  • Remember when conservatives protected privacy and freedom?
  • Remember when sex was safe and motorcycles were not!
  • Remember, an alcoholic & a drunk are not the same thing at all. The alcoholic has to attend meetings.
  • Remember, pain is nature's way of reminding you who's in charge.
  • Repairing Old Clothesby Fred Bare
  • Repeal Inhibition!
  • Reporter: My editor sent me to do the burglary. Policeman: You're too late - it's already been done.
  • Reporter: To what do you attribute your old age? Old Man: To the fact that I was born in 1890.

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