Funny Quotes - Page 3

  • If its not a baby-- you're not pregnant!
  • If life deals you lemons, make lemonade! If it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
  • If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.
  • If love is blind, is lingerie considered Braille?
  • If love is blind, why is Lingerie so popular?
  • If love of money is the root of all evil, why do churches want it?
  • If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
  • If men are from Mars, then why can't we send them back?
  • If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament!
  • If men could get pregnant, nobody would have ever THOUGHT of abortion.
  • If men had periods, they'd brag about the size of their tampons.
  • If money could talk, it would say goodbye!
  • If morons could fly, this place would be an airport.
  • If necessity is the mother of invention, why does so much unnecessary stuff get invented?
  • If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
  • If nothing sticks to Teflon how do they stick Teflon to the pan?
  • If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
  • If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
  • If only closed minds, came with closed mouths.
  • If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
  • If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress? (Richard Lederer)
  • If pro is the opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress !
  • If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
  • If reality wants to get in touch, it knows where I am.
  • If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it WRONG!
  • If six children and two dogs were under an umbrella, how come none of them got wet? Because it wasn't raining.
  • If space is a vacuum, who changes the bag?
  • If stores claim to be open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, why do they have locks on the doors?
  • If storks bring human babies, what bring monster babies? Cranes.
  • If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
  • If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
  • If the 12 Apostles were to be marketed as action figures, would Judas be sold separately?
  • If the French were on your side, how would you know ?
  • If the Pilgrims came over on the Mayflower, how did the barbers arrive? On clipper ships.
  • If the State of the Union is really the best it's ever been Why do we need dozens of new government programs to fix it!
  • If the cops arrest a mime do they tell him that he has the right to remain silent?
  • If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? The swallow.
  • If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be discarded.
  • If the host is the body of Christ, is it OK to add a little A-1 Sauce?
  • If the kid is an honor student, he must not really be yours.
  • If the music is too loud, you're too old.
  • If the speed of light is 186,000 mph, what is the speed of dark?
  • If the universe is expanding, why can't I find a parking space?
  • If the van's a' rockin, don't come a' knockin
  • If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
  • If the world is getting smaller, why do postal rates keep going up?
  • If the world is going to end at midnight 2000, which time zone will God use?
  • If the world is spinning so quickly why don't we all get dizzy?
  • If there are 5 flies in the kitchen how do you know which one is the American Football player? The one in the sugar bowl!
  • If there is a tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
  • If there's so much laborsaving machinery, why don't I have more free time?
  • If they can send a man to the moon why can't they send them all?
  • If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I AIN'T GOING!
  • If they made a movie starring the Loch Ness monster and the great white shark from Jaws, what would the movie be called? Loch Jaws.
  • If this car is being driven courteously it's been stolen.
  • If this car were a horse, I'd have to shoot it
  • If this truck was a horse, I'd have to shoot it.
  • If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of?
  • If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what was yesterday?
  • If twenty dogs run after one cat, what time is it? Twenty after one.
  • If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one ofthem, would you read the paper or go to lunch?
  • If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
  • If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut?
  • If we are a country committed to free speech, then why do we have phone bills?
  • If we are not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
  • If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
  • If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
  • If we can put a man on the moon, why not all of them?
  • If we conducted ourselves as sensibly in good times as we do in hard times, we could all acquire a competence.
  • If we don't discipline ourselves, the world will do it for us.
  • If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.
  • If we have a moment of silence in public schools, shouldn't we also have a moment of noise in Bible schools?
  • If we quit voting, will they all go away?
  • If we strive, if we work, if we try, to the best of ourselves, then we are in the line of our duty.
  • If we weren't meant to keep starting over, would God have granted us monday?
  • If women are from Venus, then why can't we send them back?
  • If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
  • If you always take time to stop and smell the roses - sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
  • If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on your head-lights, what happens?
  • If you are not leaning, no one will let you down.
  • If you are psychic, think "HONK"
  • If you aren't allowed to laugh in heaven, then I don't want to go there
  • If you ask God if He exists and He says NO, should you believe Him?
  • If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
  • If you believe you can tell me what to think, I believe I can tell you where to go.
  • If you believe you can, you probably can. If you believe you won't, you most assuredly won't.
  • If you can read this I'm not going fast enough.
  • If you can read this, I am heartfully sorry.
  • If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
  • If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
  • If you can read this, I've lost my boat.
  • If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
  • If you can read this, thank your teacher.
  • If you can read this, there's someone in front of me.
  • If you can read this, you are in phaser range.
  • If you can read this, you are inquisitive.
  • If you can read this, you are too close!
  • If you can read this, you weren't raptured.
  • If you can read this:- you are too damn close.
  • If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
  • If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?
  • If you can't convince them, confuse them.
  • If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets.
  • If you can't help how you feel today... then who can?
  • If you can't say something nice about somebody, then you've come to the right place.
  • If you can't see my mirrors, it means I've hit another cyclist.
  • If you can't tie good knots... tie many.
  • If you can't trust me with a choice, how can you trust me with a child?
  • If you cross a telephone and a lobster what will you get? Snappy talk.
  • If you cross a telephone and a pair of scissors, what do you get? Snippy answers.
  • If you crossed King Kong and a bell, what would you have? A ding-dong King Kong.
  • If you crossed a cow with Michael Jackson, what song would you get? Beeflt!
  • If you crossed a cow with a goat, what would you get? Half and half!
  • If you crossed a gangster and a garbage man, what would you have? Organised grime (crime).
  • If you crossed two cows with a flock of ducks, what would you get? Milk and quackers!
  • If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
  • If you do not conquer self, you will be conquered by self.
  • If you do not feel close to God, Guess who moved?
  • If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
  • If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.
  • If you don't like abortion, don't have one.
  • If you don't like my attitude, stop looking at my Stickers!
  • If you don't like my driving, stay off the sidewalk.
  • If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own!
  • If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!
  • If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
  • If you don't like the way I'm driving, You come and get these handcuffs off!
  • If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again
  • If you don't stop using my name in vain, I'll make the traffic jam longer! --- God
  • If you don't think every day is a good day, just try missing one.
  • If you drink like a fish - swim, don't drive
  • If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
  • If you drop this book in a pig pen, what should you do? Take the words out of their mouths.
  • If you enjoy your freedom, Thank a Vet!
  • If you find some happiness inside yourself, you'll start findin' it in lot of other places too.
  • If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results.
  • If you found a five dollar bill in every pocket of your coat, what would you have? Someone else's coat.
  • If you get any closer, you'd better have a condom
  • If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have? Plenty of milk!
  • If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls? Cornflakes!
  • If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.
  • If you have to wash the towel after taking a shower then you didn't do the job properly!
  • If you haven't gotten to where you are going, you aren't there yet.
  • If you hold a Unix shell up to your ear, can you hear the C?
  • If you keep on cursing I'll just prolong the traffic.-- God
  • If you laid all the lawyers in the world head to foot around the Equator, then. . . Hey, come to think of it, that's not a bad idea.
  • If you learn from your mistakes, then why ain't I a genius?
  • If you like my bumper, you'd love my headlights.
  • If you listen carefully on a quiet night, you can hear the sound of Chevys rusting in the distance.
  • If you lived in the 7th ring, you'd be home by now.
  • If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now!
  • If you lose your temper, you've lost the argument. UNless you knock the person out, in which case you win
  • If you love what you do you'll never work another day in your life.
  • If you made an arrow with the Holy Spirit's feathers, could you shoot it into infinity?
  • If you make a cow angry, how will she get even? She'll cream you!
  • If you must drink and drive, drink Pepsi!
  • If you need a loan, who do you see in the bank? The Loan Arranger (Lone Ranger).
  • If you pray, why worry?
  • If you put 30 female Apes and 30 male Apes in a bedroom, what do you have? A very large bedroom.
  • If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
  • If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
  • If you take an Oriental person and spin himaround several times, does he become disoriented?
  • If you take half from a half dollar, what do you have? A dollar.
  • If you talk to God, it's prayer. If God talks to you, it's schizophrenia.
  • If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
  • If you think "Our Father In Heaven" is angry, wait 'till MOM finds out!
  • If you think I'm a lousy driver, wait until you see me putt.
  • If you think education is expensive, try ignorance!
  • If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
  • If you think it is hot here.....think of what Hell is like!
  • If you think life is bad, wait 'til you get to Hell!
  • If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
  • If you think our Father in heaven is mad, just wait until Mom finds out!
  • If you think the system is working, just ask someone who isn't.
  • If you think this car is dirty, then you should spend a night with the driver!
  • If you throw a great Ape into one of the Great Lakes, what will it become? Wet!
  • If you took an IQ test, the results would be negative
  • If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
  • If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
  • If you try to get my gun, don't expect to get my trust
  • If you want a country run by religion, move to Iran.
  • If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
  • If you want to get laid, crawl up a chicken's ass and wait!
  • If you want to get rich, why should you keep your mouth shut? Because silence is golden.
  • If you want to give God a good laugh, tell Him what YOUR plans are...
  • If you want world peace, fight for justice.
  • If you were made in God's image, how did you get to be so ugly?
  • If you were on trial for being a Christian--- would there be enough evidence to convict you?
  • If you were to get paid ten cents for every kind word you ever spoke and pay five cents for every unkind word, would you be rich or poor?
  • If you would find happiness and joy, lose your life in some noble cause. A worthy purpose must be at the center of every worthy life.
  • If you would not be known to do anything, never do it.
  • If you're 9 months premature then you're just a stain
  • If you're born again, do you have two belly buttons?
  • If you're fishing on ice, you should never tell a joke on ice. WHY? ? ? The ice will crack up!
  • If you're happy and you know it, see a shrink.
  • If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
  • If you're living like there is no God, you'd better be right
  • If you're looking for a sign from God to get back to church, this is it!
  • If you're not rich, it's because you think like a poor person. Love rich people and you will become like them.
  • If you're not the lead dog, the scenery never changes
  • If you're only as old as you feel, how come I can't retire yet? (Robin Alumbaugh)
  • If you're rich, I'm single!
  • If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
  • If your bumper sticker wasn't so damned small, I wouldn't have to drive so close to read it!
  • If your fiancee is an existentialist, should you give her a disengagement ring?
  • If your life is rusty... Your bible is dusty!
  • If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it.
  • If your ship hasn't come in...Swim out to it!
  • If your watch is broken, why can't you go fishing? Because you don't have the time.
  • If your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you, what have you usually done wrong? Made her chain too long.
  • If, a two letter word for futility.
  • Igloo Buildingby S Keemo
  • Ignore the propaganda. Focus on what you see.
  • Ignore your rights and they'll go away!
  • Ignoring enemies is the best way to fight
  • Ill-health of body or of mind, is defeat. Health alone is victory. Let all men, if they can manage it, contrive to be healthy!
  • Illiterate? Write for our free brochure.
  • Im currently fasting to protest hunger strikes.
  • Im tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. Thats deep enough. What do you want an adorable pancreas?
  • Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers...
  • Immature love says, I love you because I need you. Mature love says, I need you because I love you.
  • Impeach Clinton. And her husband.
  • Impeach the President... and Fire Bill, too.
  • Imports are like tampons, every pussy has one!
  • Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings."
  • Improve Your Target Shooting by Mr Completely
  • In God we trust, as long as we have the money it's printed on.
  • In Goddess we trust
  • In Perfect Love & Perfect Trust
  • In a few years I'll be tall enough to see over the wheel.
  • In a gentle way, you can shake the world.
  • In a survey of American women, when asked, Would you sleepwith President Clinton? 86% replied, Not again
  • In a world full of caterpillars, it takes balls to be a butterfly.
  • In case of rapture, can I have your car?
  • In case of rapture, have a designated sinner
  • In case of rapture, the car's yours.
  • In case of rapture, this car will be unmanned.
  • In case of rapture, this office will be empty. With the possible exception of the guy in accounting.
  • In every organization there will be one person who knows what is going on....This person must be fired.
  • In great attempts it is glorious even to fail.
  • In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
  • In matters of style swim with the current; In matters of principle, stand like a rock.
  • In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
  • In order to succeed you must fail, so that you know what not to do the next time.
  • In our daily lives, we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful, but the gratefulness that makes us happy.
  • In reading the lives of great men, I found that the first victory they won was over themselves... self-discipline with all of them came first.
  • In some cultures, what I do would be considered normal.
  • In space, your cat can't hear you open the can
  • In the Dark? Follow the SON.
  • In the beginning was the word - and the word was four bytes.
  • In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins- not through strength but by perseverance.
  • In the long run men hit only what they aim at.
  • In the long run men hit only what they aim at. Therefore, though they should fail immediately, they had better aim at something high.
  • In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.
  • In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma -- But never let him be.
  • In the summer desert heat, what did a dust devil say to the over-talkative dust devil? -You are really blowing a lot of hot air
  • In the time we have it is surely our duty to do all the good we can to all the people we can in all the ways we can.
  • In what state will you find the most cows? Moo York!
  • In your thirst for knowledge, be sure not to drown in all the information.
  • Incontinence Hotline... Can you hold, please?
  • Indecision is the key to flexibility.
  • Individual commitment to a group effort - that is what makes a team work, a company work, a society work, a civilization work.
  • Individuals who deliberately decide not to take offense lead happier, more productive lives.
  • Infertility is inconceivable.
  • Inflation is when the buck doesn't stop anywhere.
  • Information Superhighway Official Roadkill!
  • Inland Revenue: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
  • Insanity is hereditary - you get it from your children.
  • Inside every large problem there is a small problem struggling to get out.
  • Inside every small problem is a big one trying to get government funding.
  • Instant idiot. Just add alcohol.
  • Instead of crying over spilt milk, go milk another cow.
  • Interbeing- not just for bodhisattvas anymore.
  • Interns think of God, residents pray to God, doctors talk to God, nurses ARE God.
  • Interviewer: How do you spell Mississippi? Redneck: Which one? The river or the state?
  • Invest in America. Buy a Congressman!
  • Iraq has just ordered two thousand septic tanks from Russia. As soon as the Iraqis learn to drive them, they are going to invade Iran.
  • Ironic isn't it, that God gave the tortoise a drag factor of 0.03.
  • Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
  • Is chicken soup good for your health? Not if you're the chicken!
  • Is it OK to use YHWH as a Scrabble word, and if so, do you get the extra 50 points?
  • Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
  • Is it good to drink witch's brew? Yes, it's very newt tricious!
  • Is it ok to use my AM radio after NOON?
  • Is it proper to eat a hamburger with your fingers? No, you should eat your fingers separately!
  • Is it too late to get the Russians to nuke Washington?
  • Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
  • Is it true the pigs went over Niagara Falls in a barrel? No, that story's just a lot of hogwash.
  • Is lunch the favorite subject of piglets? No, it's theatre. They love to ham It up and hog all the attention.
  • Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
  • Is static cling the aftermath of the big bang, or is it just God's way of trying to tell us something?
  • Is that your face or are you wearing your hair back to front today?
  • Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?
  • Is the human race God's excuse for talking to Himself so the other Gods won't gossip about how He's going soft in the head?
  • Is the squirt from an elephants trunk very powerful? Well, a jumbo jet can keep 500 people oin the air for hours at a time!
  • Is there a God? A billion Hindus can't be wrong.
  • Is there a mouse in the house? No, but there's a moose on the loose!
  • Is there a special God whistle only - He - can hear?
  • Is there a way to make a hamburger do the Hula? Sure, order a burger and a shake!
  • Is there an imaginary cure for hypochondria?
  • Is there big money in the cattle business? So I've herd!
  • Is there life before coffee?
  • Is there some shop where you can drop them off and pick them up later?
  • Is this Love? by Midas Wellbee
  • Is what you're living for, worth dying for?
  • Is your food spicy Sir? No, smoke always comes out of my ears!
  • Isis Astarte Diana Hecate Demeter Kali Inanna
  • Isis, Isis, Ra Ra Ra
  • Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
  • Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
  • Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
  • Israel is the land of milk and honey. Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
  • It can be helpful to keep going no matter what
  • It can't go on! It can't go on! What can't go on? This baby's vest? it's too small for me.
  • It has been said that the United States has the best congressmen money can buy.
  • It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
  • It is a poverty to decide that a child must die so that you may live as you wish. -- Mother Teresa
  • It is a sheer waste of time and soul-power to imagine what I would do if things were different. They are not different.
  • It is as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
  • It is better to be faithful than famous.
  • It is easy to be tolerant of the principles of other people if you have none of your own.
  • It is literally true that you can succeed best and quickest by helping others to succeed.
  • It is neither wealth nor splendor, but tranquility and occupation, which give happiness.
  • It is not enough to fight. It is the spirit which we bring to the fight that decides the issue. It is morale that wins the victory.
  • It is not necessary that whilst I live I live happily; but it is necessary that so long as I live I should live honorably.
  • It is not the great temptations that ruin us; it is the little ones.
  • It is now beyond any doubt that cigarettes are the biggest cause of statistics.
  • It is often hard to distinguish between the hard knocks in life and those of opportunity.
  • It is one of the beautiful compensations of this life that no one can sincerely try to help another without helping himself.
  • It is our attitude at the beginning of a difficult task which, more than anything else, will affect its successful outcome.
  • It is the privilege of posterity to set matters right between those antagonists who, by their rivalry for greatness, divided a whole age.
  • It is the province of knowledge to speak and it is the privilege of wisdom to listen.
  • It is those who concentrate on but one thing at a time who advance in this world.
  • It looks to me like the ugly fairy kissed you on both cheeks.
  • It may be a small world, but I'd sure hate to paint it.
  • It may be that those who do most, dream most.
  • It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
  • It never fails! You start having fun, and they send in the lawyers.
  • It only rains twice a year in Seattle: August through April and May through July.
  • It only seems kinky the first time.
  • It requires a strong constitution to withstand repeated attacks of prosperity.
  • It still holds true that man is most uniquely human when he turns obstacles into opportunities.
  • It sucks to be a man in a lesbians body.
  • It takes a Viking to Raze a Village
  • It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
  • It takes time to succeed because success is merely the natural reward of taking time to do anything well.
  • It was courage, faith, endurance and a dogged determination to surmount all obstacles that built this bridge.
  • It was so hot today I saw a robin picking earthworms out of the ground with a pair of tongs.
  • It was so hot when we went on holiday last year that we had to take turns sitting in each other's shadow.
  • It wasn't for ALL of us that Jesus died; but it Was for EACH of us.
  • It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark
  • It will be a great day when education is paid for and we see the military holding a bake sale to raise funds.
  • It's FREEDOM OF religion, stupid (Pentacle)
  • It's God's job to forgive Bin Laden. It's our job to arrange the meeting.
  • It's In To Be Out
  • It's Never Too Late to Mutate and we know our computers do it as soon as our backs are turned
  • It's YOUR hell. YOU burn in it.
  • It's a control freak thing. I won't let you understand!
  • It's a dog eat dog world... And I'm wearing milkbone underwear!
  • It's a very funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.
  • It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's just hilarious.
  • It's always the wrong time of the month.
  • It's an Honor to teach my Student at home
  • It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
  • It's bad enough driving sober. Don't drive drunk
  • It's bad luck to be superstitious.
  • It's been Monday all week.
  • It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
  • It's better to be a good person than a famous person
  • It's better to be naive than jaded
  • It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
  • It's easier to seek forgiveness than ask for permission.
  • It's good to give extra money to charity
  • It's hard to Soar with Dragons when you Work with Gargoyles
  • It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
  • It's hard to stumble when you're on your knees.
  • It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
  • It's men like you that make women gay.
  • It's no longer fruitful to multiply.
  • It's not a choice, it's a child.
  • It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
  • It's not my fault I'm the only one in the world who knows how to drive correctly.
  • It's not so important who starts the game but who finishes it.
  • It's not the situation. . . . It's your reaction to the situation.
  • It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
  • It's not what happens to you that determines how far you will go in life; it is how you handle what happens to you.
  • It's not who you sleep with... It's who keeps you awake!
  • It's time to pull over and change the air in your head!
  • It's worse than you think and they ARE out to get you!
  • It's your Hell, You Burn In It.
  • Its lonely at the top... but you do eat better
  • JESUS CHRIST. He loves the hell out of you!
  • JESUS SAVES... He Passes It To Gretzky... Gretzky Shoots... He Scores!
  • JUDY: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus? MIKE: We'll have a boo Christmas without you.
  • Jack Kevorkian for White House physician!
  • Jay: Does the Bible say that if you smoke you can't get toheaven? Ted: No, but the more you smoke the quicker you'll get there.
  • Jesus Christ said, 'I came not to bring peace, but a sword.
  • Jesus Just Left!
  • Jesus Loves You... But I'm His Favorite.
  • Jesus Saves Sinners: And Redeems them for Valuable Prizes!!
  • Jesus Saves by shopping wisely and using double coupons.
  • Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!
  • Jesus died for us and lived to tell about it!
  • Jesus died to take away your sins, not your mind.
  • Jesus has a mullet!
  • Jesus is coming - Everyone look busy!
  • Jesus is coming and you're wearing THAT?!
  • Jesus is coming! Look Busy.
  • Jesus is coming, Look Busy!
  • Jesus is coming... are you ready to meet him?
  • Jesus is my shepherd, Toto is my poodle.
  • Jesus is not a Republican.
  • Jesus is returning... resistance is futile
  • Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Life.
  • Jesus is the answer, but I forgot the question.
  • Jesus just left the building!
  • Jesus loves bikers too!
  • Jesus loves me, but can't stand you.
  • Jesus loves me, don't tell my husband.
  • Jesus loves the Hell out of you!
  • Jesus loves you! It's everybody else that thinks you're a c*nt
  • Jesus loves you, but I'm his favorite.
  • Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole!
  • Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an idiot!
  • Jesus loves you, everyone else thinks you're a jerk.
  • Jesus loves you, everyone else thinks you're an @$$hole
  • Jesus loves you, just not in that way.
  • Jesus loves you... Everyone else hates your guts!
  • Jesus may love you, but he won't respect you in the morning.
  • Jesus paid for our sins. Now let's get our money's worth!
  • Jesus rules... Do you live by them?
  • Jesus saves, Moses invests, but only Buddha gives Dividends
  • Jesus saves. I don't.
  • Jesus saves... But not on my salary!
  • Jesus saves; Buddha recycles.
  • Jesus to his followers upon his return: "You did WHAT in my name?!
  • Jesus told you to wash your car?
  • Jesus was a Liberal!
  • Jesus was not a Bigot!
  • Jesus, don't leave earth without him.
  • Jesus, if your followers are going to heaven then I'd rather go to Hell.
  • Jesus, protect me from your followers!
  • Jesus, save me from those who worship you.
  • Jewish Pagans are like regular Pagans. We believe in the Mother Goddess, we just feel guilty about not calling.
  • Jewish telegram: Begin worrying. Details to follow.
  • Jezebel was a feminist! No wonder she got such a bad rap.
  • Jill: Have you read the Bible? Jack: No, I'm waiting for the film to come round.
  • Jill: How did you find the weather on your vacation? Bill: I just went outside and there it was!
  • Jimmy, how many more times must I tell you to come away from that cookie tin? No more, mom. It's empty.
  • Joan of Arc heard voices too!
  • Joe's morgue: You kill'em, we chill'em!
  • John: I'm a man of few words. Bill: I'm married, too.
  • Join the Army. Visit exotic places, meet interesting people, then kill them.
  • Join the army, travel the world, meet interesting people and shoot them!
  • Judge not so that you may not be judged.
  • Judge: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are on dead people.
  • Judge: What is your relationship with the plaintiff? A: She is my daughter. Judge: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
  • Judge: Why did you steal that bird? Prisoner: For a lark, sir.
  • Judge: You stated that the stairs went down to the basement, is that correct? A: Yes. Judge: And these same stairs, did the also go up?
  • Judge: Your first marriage was terminated by death? A: Yes, by death. Judge: And by whose death was it terminated?
  • Judgement Day Happens.
  • Judging by the pictures, Hell looks better than that other place.
  • Jury: Twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best lawyer. Justice: A decision in your favor.
  • Just because you're paranoid it doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.
  • Just believing something can make it happen
  • Just bring me the coffee and nobody will get hurt.
  • Just say NO to sex with pro-lifers.
  • Just when I was getting use to yesterday along came today.
  • Just when you think lifes a bitch, it has puppies.
  • Just when you think you've won the Rat Race, along come faster Rats.
  • Justice always prevails....three times out of seven.
  • KALI: A necessary evil
  • Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils-people who shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing.
  • Karen: Have you noticed that Daddy is getting taller? Sharon: No, why? Karen: His head is sticking through his hair.
  • Karl Marx was wrong! Religion is the opium of the ASSES!
  • Karmically challenged.
  • Keep Off my Tail! (Picture of Dragon)
  • Keep granny off the streets, support bingo.
  • Keep honking - I'm deaf!
  • Keep honking - I'm reloading.
  • Keep honking while I reload.
  • Keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.
  • Keep in mind...to a dog you are family, to a cat you are staff.
  • Keep on Tryingby Percy Vere
  • Keep something in reserve for emergencies
  • Keep true, never be ashamed of doing right, decide on what you think is right and stick to it.
  • Keep working, millions on welfare depend on you.
  • Keep your Butt in the your car. The earth is not your ashtray.
  • Keep your eye on eternal goals.
  • Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow.
  • Keep your laws off my body.
  • Keep your mind on the things you want and off the things you don't want.
  • Keep your rosaries off my ovaries
  • Keys in ignition, car left unlocked, purse left on dashboard. Rottweiler on the back seat.
  • Kidnapped! by Caesar Quick
  • Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
  • Kill 'em all. Let God sort it out.
  • King Midas' dog--did everything he touch turn into a golden retriever?
  • Kinky is using a feather, perverted is using the whole chicken.
  • Klingon Empire Survey Vehicle
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! A Fred! A Fred who? Who's a Fred of the Big Bad Wolf?
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Aardvark! Aardvark who? Aardvark a million miles for one of your smiles!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Aaron! Aaron who! Aaron the barber's floor!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Abba! Abba who? Abba'out turn! Quick march!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Abbey! Abbey who? Abbey stung me on the nose!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Abe! Abe who? Abe C D E F G H. . . !
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Abel! Abel who? Abel to see you, ha, ha!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Abyssinia! Abyssinia who? Abyssinia when I get back!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Acid! Acid who? Acidently on purpose!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Acis! Acis who? Acis spades!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Actor! Actor who? Actor you, my dear Alphonse!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Ada! Ada who? Ada'mond is forever!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Adair! Adair who? Adair once but I'm bald now!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Adam! Adam who? Adam up and tell me the total!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Adder! Adder who? Adder you get in here?
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Adelia! Adelia who? Adelia the cards after you cut the pack!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Adeline! Adeline who? Adeline extra to the letter!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Adolf! Adolf who? Adolf ball hit me in the mouth!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Adore! Adore who? Adore stands between us, open up!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Agatha! Agatha who? Agatha headache. Do you have an aspirin?
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Agent! Agent who? Agentle breeze!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Agnes! Agnes who? Agnes & Topeka & the Santa Fe!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Ahmed! Ahmed who? Ahmed a big mistake coming here!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Aida! Aida who? Aida more than I drink!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Aileen! Aileen who? Aileen against my Rolls Royce!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Aitch! Aitch who? Bless You!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Al! Al who? Al lied!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Aladdin! Aladdin who? Aladdin the street wants a word with you!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Alan! Alan who? Alan a good cause!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Alaska! Alaska who? Alaska my mummy!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Alba! Alba! Alba in the kitchen if you need me!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Albee! Albee! Albee a monkey's uncle!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Albert! Albert who! Albert you don't know who this is!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Alberta! Alberta who! Alberta'll be over in a minute!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Alceste! Alceste who? Alceste to meet him later!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Alda! Alda who? Alda time you knew who it was!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Aldo! Aldo who? Aldo anywhere with you!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Alec! Alec who? Alec-tricity. Isn't that a shock!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Aleta! Aleta who? Aleta from the tax man!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Alex! Alex who? Alex Plain later!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Alexander! Alexander who? Alexander friend are coming over!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Alexia! Alexia who? Alexia again to open this door!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Alf! Alf who? Alf all if you don't catch me!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Alfred! Alfred who! Alfred of the dark!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Algy! Algy who! Algy-bra!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Ali! Ali who? Ali-luyah, at last you've opened the door!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Alice! Alice who? Alice N. Tew if you'll listen to me!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Alison! Alison who? Alison to my radio in the mornings!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Alistair! Alistair who? Alistairs in this house are broken!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Alka! Alka who! Alka-phone!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Allegra! Allegra who? Allegra is broken!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Alligator! Alligator who? Alligator for her birthday was a card!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Alma! Alma who? Alma-nack!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Almond! Almond who? Almond the side of the law! Kn
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Alpaca! Alpaca who? Alpaca picnic lunch!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Althea! Althea who? Althea in court!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Alva! Alva who? Alva heart!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Alvin! Alvin who! Alvin zis competition - just vait and see!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Amahl! Amahl who? Amahl shook up!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Amana! Amana who? Amana bad mood!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Amanda! Amanda who? Amanda the table!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Amaso! Amaso who? Amaso sorry you don't remember me!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Amazon! Amazon who? Amazon of a gun!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Amber! Amber who? Amber-sting to come in!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Amelia! Amelia who? Amelia a package last week - did you get it? !
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Amin! Amin who? Amin man!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Ammon! Ammon who? Ammon old hand at picking locks!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Ammonia! Ammonia who? Ammonia a poor little sparrow!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Amory! Amory who? Amory Christmas and a Happy New Year!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Amos! Amos who? Amos-quito! kn
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Amour! Amour who? Amour you eat, the more you want!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Amsterdam! Amsterdam who? Amsterdam is like plum jam, but made from hamsters!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Amy! Amy who? Amy for the top!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! An author! An author who? An author joke like this and I'm off!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Anais! Anais who? Anais cup of tea!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Anatole! Anatole who? Anatole me you're a pain in the neck!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Anderson! Anderson who? Anderson and daughter came too!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Andrew! Andrew who? Andrew all her money out of the bank!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Andy! Andy who? Andy little gadgets to have, door knockers!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Anita! Anita who? Anita you like I need a hole in the head!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Anka! Anka who? Anka the ship!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Ankansas! Ankansas who? Ankansas though any piece of wood!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Ankara! Ankara who? Ankara went off the cliff!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Ann! Ann who? Ann-onymous!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Anna! Anna who? Annather brick in the wall!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Annabel! Annabel who? Annabel would be useful on this door!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Anne Boleyn! Anne Boleyn who? Anne Boleyn alley!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Anne! Anne who? Anne apple just fell on my head!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Annetta! Annetta who? Annetta joke like that and you're off this bus!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Answer! Answer who? Answer all over your porch! It's a mess out here!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Anthea! Anthea who? Anthea get home by 8 O'clock, or else!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Anthem! Anthem who? You Anthem devil you!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Anthony! Anthony who! Anthony you want!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Anya! Anya who? Anya best behavior!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Apollo! Apollo who? Apollogize!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Apple! Apple who? Apple the door myself!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! April! April who? April might make you feel better!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Aramis! Aramis who? Aramis'tery!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Arbus! Arbus who? Arbus leaves in 5 minutes?
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Aretha! Aretha who? Aretha flowers!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Arfur! Arfur who? Arfur got!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Argo! Argo who? Argo down the shops! Kn
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Argo! Argo who? Argo down to the beach for my holidays
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Ari! Ari who? Ari-S-P-E-C-T!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Ari! Ari who? Arin't you glad you use Dial!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Aries! Aries who? Aries a reason why I talk this way!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Arizona! Arizona who? Arizona room for one of us in this town!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Armageddon! Armageddon who? Armageddon getting out of here!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Armenia! Armenia who? Armenia every word I say!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Army Ant! Army Ant who? Army Ants coming for tea then?
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Arnie! Arnie who! Arnie having fun?
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Arnold! Arnold who? Arnold friend of yours is a friend of mine!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Arson! Arson who! Arson McCullers!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Arthur! Arthur who! Arthene you in the butchers, haven't I?
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Artichoke! Artichoke who! Artichoke when he swallowed his yo-yo!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Asa! Asa who! Asa-int amongst men!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Ashley! Ashley who? Ashley-t's foot!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Asia! Asia who? Asia mum in?
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Astor! Astor who? Astor the ball is over!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Athena! Athena who? Athena reindeer landing on your roof!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Attila! Attila who? Attila you no lies!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Auntie! Auntie who? Auntie glad to see me again!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Austen! Austen who? Austen-tentatiously well off!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Avery! Avery who? Avery time I come to your house we go through this!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Axel! Axel who? Axel grease!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Ayatollah! Ayatollah who? Ayatollah you already!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! B-2! B-2 who? B-2 school on time!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! B-4! B-4 who? B-4 I freeze to death, please open this door!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bab! Bab who? Bab Boone is a real ape!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Baby Owl! Baby Owl who? Baby Owl see you later, maybe I won't!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Baby! Baby who? Baby love, my baby love. . . . !
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bach! Bach who? Bach to work!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bacon! Bacon who? Bacon a cake for your birthday!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Badger! Badger who? Badger cookies!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Balanchine! Balachine who? Balachine act!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Balloon! Balloon who? Balloon velvet!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Baloney! Baloney who? Baloney chase you if you're a matador!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Banana! Banana who? Banana split so ice creamed!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bar-B-Q! Bar-B-Q who? Bar-B-Q-t, but I think you're even cuter!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Barbara! Barbara who? Barbara black sheep, have you any wool. . . !
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Barber! Barber who? Barberd wire!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Barbie! Barbie who? Barbie Q!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bargain! Bargain who? Bargain up the wrong tree!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bark! Bark who? Bark you car on the drive!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Baron! Baron who? Baron mind who you're talking to!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Barrister! Barrister who? Barristercratic!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Barry! Barry who? Barry the dead!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bart! Bart who? Bart-enders serve drinks!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bashful! Bashful who? I can't tell you, I'm so embarrassed!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Basket! Basket who? Basket home, it's nearly dark!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bass! Bass who? Bass the salt and pepper please!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bassoon! Bassoon who? Bassoon things will be better!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bat! Bat who? Bat you'll never guess!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bea! Bea who? Beacause I'm worth it!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bean! Bean who? Bean working very hard today!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Beaver E! Beaver E who? Beaver E quiet and nobody will find us!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Becca! Becca who? Becca the net!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Beck! Beck who? Beckfast of champions!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Becka! Becka who? Becka the bus is the best place to sit!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Becker! Becker who? Becker the devil you know!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bed! Bed who? Bed you can't guess who I am!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Beef! Beef who? Beef fair now!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Beethoven! Beethoven who? Beethoven is too hot!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Beets! Beets who? Beets me, but I just forgot the joke!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Beggar! Beggar who? Beggar you don't know!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Begonia! Begonia who? Begonia bother me!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Beirut! Beirut who? Beirut force!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Belinda! Belinda who? Belinda church steeple!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Belize! Belize who? Belize yourself then!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bella! Bella who? Bella bottom trousers!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Belle! Belle who? Belle-t up and open this door!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bellows! Bellows who? Bellows me some money can I have it please!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Ben Hur! Ben Hur who? Ben Hur an hour - let me in!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Ben and Anna! Ben and Anna who? Ben and Anna split!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Ben! Ben who? Ben knocking on this door all morning!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Benin! Benin who? Benin hell!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Benjamin! Benjamin who? Benjamin the blues!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Benny! Bennny who? Benny thing happening!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Beppe! Beppe who? Beppe Le Pew!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bera! Bera who? Bera necessity!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Berlin! Berlin who? Berlin maiden over!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bernadette! Bernadette who? Bernadette ate all my dinner and now I'm starving!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bernie! Bernie who? Bernie bridges!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bert! Bert who? Bert the dinner!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bertha! Bertha who? Bertha-day greetings!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Beryl! Beryl who? Beryl of beer!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Beth! Beth who? Beth wisheth, thweetie!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bethany! Bethany who? Bethany good movies recently!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Betsy! Betsy who? Betsy of all, it's a cadillac!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bette! Bette who? Bette of roses!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bette-lou! Bette-lou who? Bette-lou a few pounds!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bettina! Bettina who? Bettina minute you'll open this door!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bhuto! Bhuto who? Bhuto-n the other foot!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Biafra! Biafra who? Biafra'id, be very afraid!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bibi! Bibi who? Bibi Bibi Bunting . . . !
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bill! Bill who? Bill-tup area!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Billy Bragg! Billy Bragg who? Billy Braggs too much, tell him to stop it!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bing! Bing who? Bing down the house!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bingo! Bingo who? Bingo'ng to come and see you for ages!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Biro! Biro who? Biro light of the moon!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bison! Bison who? Bison girl scout cookies!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bitter Bianca! Bitter Bianca who? Bitter Bianca next train out of here, pardner!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bjork! Bjork who? Bjork in the USSR!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bjorn! Bjorn who? Bjorn with a silver spoon in his mouth!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Blair! Blair who? Blair play!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Blanche! Blanche who? Blanche not!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bless! Bless who? I didn't sneeze!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Blood! Blood who? Blood brothers!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Blue! Blue who? Blue away with the wind!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Blur! Blur who? Blur, it's cold and wet out here!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bo! Bo who? Bo Geste!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bobby! Bobby who? Bobby-n up and down like this!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Boiler! Boiler who? Boiler egg for four minutes!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Boise! Boise who? Boise ivy!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bolivia! Boliva who? Boliva me, I know what I'm talking about!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bologna! Bologna who? Bologna & cheese!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bolton! Bolton who? Bolton braces!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bolzano! Bolzano who? Bolzano the door!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bond! Bond who? Bond to succeed!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bones! Bones who? Bones upon a time. . . !
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bonnie! Bonnie who? Bonnie by soloflex!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Boo! Boo who? Just Boo! I'm a ghost!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bootie! Bootie who? Bootieful downtown Burbank!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Borg! Borg who? Borg standard!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Boris! Boris who? Boris with more knock knock jokes!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bosnia! Bosnia who? Bosnia bell here earlier!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bossy! Bossy who? Bossy just fired me!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bowl! Bowl who? Bowl me over!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Boyzone! Boyzone who? Boyzone adventures!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Brad! Brad who? Brad news I'm afraid!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Brazil! Brazil who? Brazil support a girls chest!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Brendan! Brendan who? Brendan an ear to what I have to say!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Brent! Brent who? Brent out of shape!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Brewster! Brewster who? Brewsters can wake you up in the morning singing cock-a-doodle doo!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Brian! Brian who? Brian drain!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bride! Bride who? Bride and Prejudice!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bridget! Bridget who? Bridget the end of the world!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bridget! Bridget who? London Bridget, is falling down, falling down. . . !
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bridie! Bridie who? Bridie light of the silvery moon!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Brie! Brie who? Brie me my supper!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Brigham! Brigham who? Drigham back my sunshine back to me. . . !
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Brighton! Brighton who? Brighton-der the light of the moon!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Briony! Briony who? Briony, beautiful sea!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bronte! Bronte who? Bronte of the blow!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Brook! Brook who? Brook-lyn bridge!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Brother! Brother who? Brother-ation, I've forgotten your name!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bruce! Bruce who? I Bruce easily, don't hit me!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bruno! Bruno who? Bruno more tea for me!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bubbles! Bubbles who? Bubbles, bangles, and beads. . . !
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Buckle! Buckle who? Buckle get you a drink but not much else!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bud! Bud who? Budweiser, the King of Beers!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Buddha! Buddha who? Buddha this slice of bread for me!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Buddy! Buddy who? Buddyfingers!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Buffer! Buffer who? Buffer you can say Jack Robinson!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bug! Bug who? Bug Rodgers!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Buggy! Buggy who? Buggy Jean is not my lover!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bull! Bull who? Bull the chain when your done!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bullet! Bullet who? Bullet all the hay and now he's hungry!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bully! Bully who? Bully Jean is not my lover!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bumbry! Bumbry who? Bumbry tuna!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bun! Bun who? Bun-nies make lovely pets!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bunny! Bunny who? Bunny thing is, I've forgotten now! kn
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Burglar! Burglar who? Burglars don't knock!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Burns! Burns who? Burns me up!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Burton! Burton who? Burton in the hand is worth two in the bush!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Bush! Bush who? Bush your money where your mouth is!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Buster! Buster who? Buster tire, can I use your phone!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Butch! Butch who? Butch your arms around me!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Butcher! Butcher who? Butcher your arms around me!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Butter! Butter who? Butter wrap up - it's cold out here!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Button! Button who? Button in is not polite!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Byron! Byron who? Byron new suit!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! C's! C's who? C's the day!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! C-2! C-2 who? C-2 it that you don't forget my name next time!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Cabot! Cabot who? Cabotret!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Caesar! Caesar who? Caesar quickly before she gets away!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Cain! Cain who? Cain you tell!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Caitlin! Caitlin who? Caitlin you my trainers tonight, I'm wearing them!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Callas! Callas who? Callas should be removed by a podiatrist!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Callum! Callum who? Callum all black!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Cam! Cam who? Camalot is where King Arthur lived!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Cameron! Cameron who? Cameron film are needed to take pictures!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Camila! Camila who? Camila minute!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Candace! Candace who? Candace with love!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Candice! Candice who? Candice get any better!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Candy! Candy who? Candy cow jump over the moon!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Cannelloni! Cannelloni who? Cannelloni some money till next week?
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Canoe! Canoe who? Canoe come out and play with me?
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Canon! Canon who? Canon open the door then?
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Cantaloupe! Cantaloupe who? Cantaloupe with you tonight!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Cargo! Cargo who? Cargo better if you fill it with gas first!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Carlene! Carlene who? Carlene against that wall?
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Caroline! Caroline who? Caroline of rope with you!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Carrie! Carrie who? Carrie a torch!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Carrie! Carrie who? Carrie me home, I'm tired!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Carrie! Carrie who? Carrie on camping!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Carson! Carson who? Carconogenic!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Cartoon! Cartoon who? Cartoon up just fine, she purrs like a cat!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Cash! Cash who? Cash me if you can!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Cass! Cass who? Cass more flies with honey than vinegar!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Cassette! Cassette who? Cassette your dinner, I'm sorry!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Cassie! Cassie who? Cassie the forest for the trees!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Castor! Castor who? Castorblanca!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Castro! Castro who? Castro bread upon the waters!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Cat! Cat who? Cat you understand!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Caterpillar! Caterpillar who? Caterpillar a few mice for you!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Cathy! Cathyl who? Cathy free. Never had it. Never will!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Catskills! Catskills who? Catskills mice!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Cecil! Cecil who? Cecil have music whereever she goes. . . . !
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Celery! Celery who? Celery me you lunch will you, I'm hungry!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Celeste! Celeste who? Celeste time I lend you money!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Cellar! Cellar who? Cellar. No, I think she can be repaired!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Census! Census who? Census presents for Christmas!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Cereal! Cereal who? Cereal pleasure to meet you!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Chad! Chad who? Chad to make your acquaintance!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Chair! Chair who? Chair you go again, asking more questions!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Charles! Charles who? Charles your luck on the lottery!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Che! Che who? Che what your made of!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Checkmate! Checkmate who? Checkmate bounce if you don't have money in the bank!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Chicken! Chicken who? Chicken your pockets - I think your keys are there! s
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Chile! Chile who? Chile out tonight!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Chin and Tony! Chin and Tony who? Chin and Tonyk!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! China! China who? China late, isn't it? !
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Chip! Chip who? Chip of Fools!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Chloe! Chloe who? Chloe's Encounters of the Third Kind!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Chocs! Chocs who? Chocs away!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Chrysalis! Chrysalis who? Chrysalis the cake for you!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Cicero! Cicero who? Cicero the boat ashore!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Clare! Clare who? Clare your throat before you speak!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Clark! Clark who? Clark your car in the garage!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Claude! Claude who? Claudework Orange!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Clay! Clay who? Clay on, Sam!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Clinton! Clinton who? Clinton your eye!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Cod! Cod who? Cod red-handed!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Coda! Coda who? Coda paint!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Coffin! Coffin who? Coffin and spluttering!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Cole! Cole who? Cole as a cucumber!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Con! Con who? Con unhinged!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Conga! Conga who? Conga go on meeting like this!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Cork! Cork who? Cork and beans!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Cosi! Cosi who? Cosi has to!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Costa! Costa who? Costa lot!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Courtney Pine! Courtney Pine who? Courtney Pine tables, I need a new one!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Craig! Craig who? Craig in the wall!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Crete! Crete who? Crete to see you again!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Crewcut! Crewcut who? Crewcut and I'm the only one left!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Cricket! Cricket who? Cricket neck means I can't lift anything!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Crispin! Crispin who? Crispin crunchy is how I like my apples!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Crock and Dial! Crock and Dial who? Crock and Dial Dundee!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Cuba! Cuba who? Cuba wood!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Cugat! Cugat who? Cugat to love my jokes!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Cumin! Cumin who? Cumin side, its freezing out there!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Cy! Cy who? Cy'n on the botton line!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Cymbals! Cymbals who? Cymbals have horns and others don't!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Cynthia! Cynthia who? Cynthia you been away I missed you!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Cyprus! Cyprus who? Cyprus the bell!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Cyril! Cyril who? Cyril thing - no imitations here!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there! Czech! Czech who? Czech before you open the door!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there? Annie! Annie who? Annie-versary!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there? Chaz! Chaz who? Chaz nasty as you wanna be!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there? Cheese! Cheese who? Cheese a cute girl!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there? Cheese! Cheese who? Cheese a jolly good fellow!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there? Chef! Chef who? Chef Bridges!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there? Cherry! Cherry who? Cherry oh, see you later!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there? Chest! Chest who? Chest-nuts for sale!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there? Chopin! Chopin who? Chopin the supermarket!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there? Chris! Chris who? Chrisco'll do you proud everytime!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there? Chuck! Chuck who? Chuck in a sandwich for lunch
  • Knock Knock. Who's there? Cigarette! Cigarette who? Cigarette life if you don't weaken!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there? Cindy! Cindy who? Cindy next one in please!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there? Cliff! Cliff who? Cliff hanger!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there? Closure! Closure who? Closure mouth when you eat!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there? Clown! Clown who? Clown for the count!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there? Colin! Colin who? Colin all cars, Colin all cars!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there? Cologne! Cologne who? Cologne me names won't help!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there? Comic! Comic who? Comic and see me sometime!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there? Cook! Cook who? Cuckoo yourself, I don't come here to be insulted!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there? Cookie! Cookie who? Cookie quit and now I have to make all the food!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there? Cotton! Cotton who? Cotton a trap!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there? Cows! Cows who? Cows go 'moo' not who!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there? Cronkite! Cronkite who? Cronkite evidence!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there? Curly! Curly who? Curly Q!
  • Knock Knock. Who's there? Curry! Curry who? Curry me back home will you!
  • Knock knock. Who's there? Baby Owl. Baby Owl who? Baby Owl see you later, baby not.
  • Knock knock. Who's there? Underwear. Underwear who? Underwear my baby is tonight?
  • Know God, know life...no God, no life
  • Know Sin. No God. Know God. No Sin.
  • Knowing yourself lets you understand others
  • Knowledge and human power are synonymous, since the ignorance of the cause frustrates the effect.
  • Knowledge does not come to us in details, but in flashes of light from heaven.
  • Knowledge is a rich storehouse for the glory of the Creator and the relief of man's estate.
  • Knowledge is an antidote to fear.
  • Knowledge is power and enthusiasm pulls the switch.
  • Knowledge is proud that he has learn'd so much;
  • Knowledge is the frontier of tomorrow.
  • Knowledge of our duties is the most essential part of the philosophy of life. If you escape duty you avoid action. The world demands results.
  • Kung Fu for Beginners by Flora Mugga
  • LAWYER: A cat settling a dispute between 2 mice.
  • LH741: Tower, give me a rough time check. Tower: It's Thursday, Sir.
  • LILITH WOULDN'T SUBMIT, God always had a problem with that
  • LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.
  • Labor, if it were not necessary for existence, would be indispensable for the happiness of man.
  • Lack of something to feel important about is almost the greatest tragedy a man may have.
  • Lady:(standing in the middle of a busy street) Officer, can you tell me how to get to the Hospital? Officer: Just stand where you are! ! !
  • Lara Rabbit: Do you think that's Sophie's natural color? Zara Rabbit: Only her hare dresser knows for sure.
  • Last night I dreamt I ate a giant marshmallow. When I woke up my pillow was gone!
  • Last night I dreamt I was dancing with the most beautiful girl in the worldWhat was I wearing?
  • Last night I wrote myself a letter. But I forgot to sign it and now I don't know who it's from.
  • Last year's Christmas pudding was so awful I threw it in the ocean. That's probably why the ocean's full of currants!
  • Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
  • Laugh and the class laughs with you. But you get detention alone!
  • Laugh, and the world laughs with you - Snore and you sleep alone.
  • Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.
  • Laws of Accounting. Trial balances don't. Bank reconciliations never do. Working Capital does not. Return on Investments never will.
  • Lawyer: Let me give you my honest opinion. Client: No, no. I'm paying for professional advice.
  • Lawyers Have Feelings Too! (allegedly)
  • Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
  • Lead me not into temptation. I know my own way.
  • Leadership is a potent combination of strategy and character. But if you must be without one, be without the strategy.
  • Leadership is an action, not a position.
  • Leadership is getting someone to do what they don't want to do, to achieve what they want to achieve.
  • Leadership is influence.
  • Leadership is the ability of a single individual through his or her actions to motivate others to higher levels of achievement.
  • Leadership is the challenge to be something more than average.
  • Learn from your parents' mistakes. Use birth control!
  • Learner driver: What happens when everything's coming your way? Instructor: You're in the wrong lane.
  • Leave Earth Now - Ask Me How
  • Lee: I just swallowed a fish bone! Counselor: Are you choking? Lee: No, I'm serious!
  • Legalizing Concealed Weapons would be just fine if stupidity was outlawed.
  • Let Go and Let God in!
  • Let him who is without aim cast the first stone.
  • Let's get drunk and wreck.
  • Let's let the anti-gun people fight the next war.
  • Liberals want misery spread equally.
  • Libertarian, it's cheaper than TAXES.
  • Liberty is not Free!
  • Licensed Broom Pilot!
  • Life in abundance comes only through great love.
  • Life is a Banquet... So EAT ME!
  • Life is a Witch, and then you fly
  • Life is a grindstone; whether it grinds you down or polishes you up depends on what you're made of.
  • Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
  • Life is just like a straw - it SUCKS.
  • Life is like a box of chocolates .. full of nuts!
  • Life is not worth living unless it is lived for others.
  • Life is sexually transmitted.
  • Life is short, pray hard
  • Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
  • Life is too complicated in the morning.
  • Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans.
  • Life stinks, and then you reincarnate
  • Life without love is like a tree without blossom and fruit.
  • Life would be so much easier if we just had the source code.
  • Life's a beach - and we're just surfing time!
  • Life's a beach, and then you drown.
  • Life's a bitch, and then you die!
  • Life's greatest happiness is to be convinced we are loved.
  • Life's too short to dance with ugly men.
  • Life's too short to dance with ugly men/women.
  • Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
  • Life's too short to hunt with an ugly dog.
  • Lift, Lead and Love.
  • Like to travel? Enjoy sex? Take a f*cking hike.
  • Line dancing. See what happens when cousins breed?
  • Listen to Limbaugh? No thanks, my parents weren't related
  • Listen when your body talks
  • Little Brother: I'm going to buy a sea horse. Big Brother: Why? Little Brother: Because I want to play water polo!
  • Little Monster: I hate my teacher. Mother Monster: Well just eat your salad up then dear!
  • Little boy to airline pilot: You're a pilot? ! ? ! ? That must be exciting. Pilot: Not if I do it right.
  • Little monster: Mom I've finished. Can I leave the table? Mommy monster: Yes, I'll save it for your tea.
  • Little monster: Mom, I've finished. Can I leave the table? Mommy monster: Yes, I'll save it for your supper.
  • Little monster: Mom, Mom, what's for tea? Mother monster: Shut up and get back in the microwave.
  • Little monster: Mom, why can't we have dustbins like everyone else? Mother monster: Less talking, more eating please.
  • Live fast, die young. Leave a good looking corpse.
  • Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
  • Live like James Bond, die like James Dean.
  • Live simply... So I can have the stuff you don't use!
  • Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
  • Long live my car 4 it takes me where I need 2 go.
  • Look Ma! The ranks of the heathen are growing!
  • Look at that bald man over there. It's the first time I've seen a parting with ears.
  • Look at the Bright Side -- This Sure Beats Working at Burger King!
  • Look, guide, here are some LION tracks. Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from.
  • Looking Forward by Felix Ited
  • Loomis: Does your dog have a license? Fenton: Hell, no! I do all the drivin'.
  • Lord give me patience... But Hurry!
  • Lord save me from your followers!
  • Lord, I wish to find you, but spare me from those who have!
  • Lord, Save you from your disciples.
  • Lord, grant that I may always desire more than I can accomplish.
  • Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
  • Lord, please protect me from your followers.
  • Lord, save me from Jesus.
  • Lose no time; be always employed in something useful.
  • Losing a wife can be hard. In most cases, it is damned near impossible.
  • Losing an Electric Drill by Andy Gadget
  • Lost your cat? Look under my tires.
  • Lost your cat?! Try looking under my tires.
  • Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.
  • Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
  • Loud wives loose lives!
  • Love . . . is a lack of personal selfishness.
  • Love Heals
  • Love That Loki.
  • Love is a 4-letter word.
  • Love is blind. And when you get married you get your eyesight back.
  • Love is free. It's diapers that are expensive
  • Love is no game for the weak
  • Love is not FINDING the right person, it's BEING the right person
  • Love is perhaps the only glimpse we are permitted of eternity.
  • Love is the greatest gift that one generation can leave to another.
  • Love is the immortal flow of energy that nourishes, extends and preserves. Its eternal goal is life.
  • Love is the master key that opens the gates of happiness.
  • Love is the only flower that grows and blossoms without the aid of seasons.
  • Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence.
  • Love is the strongest force the world possesses, and yet it is the humblest imaginable.
  • Love thine enemies... It really pisses them off.
  • Love thy neighbor, but don't brag about it!
  • Love you know, seeks to make happy rather than to be happy.
  • Love, peace, and fat free chocolate... Now thats heaven.
  • Loved the wedding. Invite me to the marriage. -- God.
  • Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.
  • MAGIC HAPPENS!
  • MONEY TALKS! But all mine ever says is GOODBYE!
  • MONSTER MOTHER: How many times have I told you not to eat with your fingers? Use the spade like everyone else.
  • MRS MONSTER TO MR MONSTER: Try to be nice to my mother when she visits us this weekend, dear. Fall down when she hits you.
  • MUMMY VAMPIRE: Jimmy, hurry up and drink your soup before it clots.
  • MY GOD'S NOT DEAD. SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOURS
  • Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.
  • Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
  • Make love - not jihad!
  • Make love, not war. Heck, do both - get married!
  • Make love, not war; get married and do both!
  • Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood. Make big plans, aim high in hope and work.
  • Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you.
  • Make the world a better place. Kill a bigot.
  • Making Snacksby San Widge
  • Making Weatherproof Clothes by Ranier Day
  • Making the Least of Life by Minnie Mumm
  • Making the Most of Life by Maxie Mumm
  • Mama Pig has a great, new kitchen appliance that lets her prepare meals ahead. It's called a garbage compactor.
  • Mama bear to Papa bear:Well. . . You might call it hibernating -- I call it 'goofing off'.
  • Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
  • Man "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy." Woman "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"
  • Man "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy." Woman "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
  • Man "Is this seat empty?" Woman "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
  • Man "Your place or mine?" Woman "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
  • Man Boobs are fine, if your name is JULIE!
  • Man can count the seeds in an apple, but only God can count the apples in a seed.
  • Man created God in Mans picture.
  • Man is always more than he can know of himself.
  • Man is only truly great when he acts from his passions.
  • Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.
  • Man needs difficulties; they are necessary for health.
  • Man was designed for accomplishment, engineered for success, and endowed with the seeds of greatness.
  • Man's way leads to a hopeless end -- God's way leads to an endless hope.
  • Man, alone, has the power to transform his thoughts into physical reality; man, alone, can dream and make his dreams come true.
  • Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet? Player: I finished it in three days!
  • Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No, but she sure could climb trees well!
  • Mankind is the result of millions of years of evolution desidned to produce a better Cat Servant.
  • Manual labor can be refreshing and wholesome
  • Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
  • Many of us are more capable than some of us . . . but none of us is as capable as all of us!!
  • Many times the reading of a book has made the future of a man.
  • March Into Battleby Sally Forth
  • Marijuana aint against my religion. People in the bible got stoned for everything.
  • Marijuana is nature's way of saying "high".
  • Marilize legajuana.
  • Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
  • Marriage is a three ring circus: - Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.
  • Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring. . . Wedding ring. . . Suffering! ! !
  • Marriage is nature's way of preventing people from fighting with strangers.
  • Martin asked David, In which state does the Ohio River run? David answered with cool, In the liquid state.
  • Marx: Religion Is The Opium Of The People. Religion: Marx Was An Alcoholic.
  • Mary had a little lamb and he died for his flock.
  • Mary is pregnant again... and the world still isn't ready.
  • Mary: Do you think my sister's pretty? Gary: Well, let's just say if you pulled her pigtail she'd probably say 'oink, oink '!
  • Matters not the rational, the rhetoric, the tricks, our holy God and sin will never, never mix!
  • May I buy half a rabbit? No, we don't split hares!
  • May the baby Jesus close your mouth and open your mind.
  • May the forest be with you.
  • May the forest bewitch you.
  • May: What position does your brother play in the school football team? Jay: I think he's one of the drawbacks!
  • Mean People Suck, Nice People Swallow.
  • Mean people suck.
  • Meeting - an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
  • Meg's mother was visiting her daughter at camp. 'How did you find the steak dinner? ' she asked. 'With a magnifying glass! '
  • Mega Bitesby Amos Quito
  • Members Only, Trespassers will be Baptised!
  • Men and women will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.
  • Men are failures, not because they are stupid, but because they are not sufficiently impassioned.
  • Men are idiots and I married their king.
  • Men are like animals: messy, insensitive andpotentially violent, but they make great pets.
  • Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
  • Men are like bike helmets. They are handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
  • Men are like cement. After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
  • Men are like chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
  • Men are like coffee. The best ones are rich, hot and can keep you up all night.
  • Men are like coffee: The best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night long.
  • Men are like computers. Hard to figure out and never enough memory.
  • Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
  • Men are like coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
  • Men are like coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere.
  • Men are like copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
  • Men are like curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
  • Men are like department stores. Their clothes should always be half off.
  • Men are like government bonds. They take so long to mature.
  • Men are like high heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
  • Men are like horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
  • Men are like horoscopes: They always tell you what to do, and they are always wrong.
  • Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
  • Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
  • Men are like mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
  • Men are like old car tires. Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.
  • Men are like parking spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
  • Men are like pillows. Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.
  • Men are like placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.
  • Men are like plastic wrap. Cheap. Clingy. And very easy to see through.
  • Men are like plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom
  • Men are like plungers: They spend most of their time in the hardware store or the bathroom.
  • Men are like power tools. They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.
  • Men are like remote controls. Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.
  • Men are like road kill. They usually just lie around until they start to smell.
  • Men are like shag carpets. Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.
  • Men are like soap operas. They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.
  • Men are like vacuum cleaners. They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.
  • Men are not pigs. Pigs are sweet, intelligent, sensitive, clean animals.
  • Men are pigs
  • Men are proof that women can take a joke.
  • Men aren't pigs...pigs are gentle, cute creatures!
  • Men don't get lost; they discover alternative destinations.
  • Men exist because cats won't mow the lawn. Women exist because sheep can't cook. Neither of these things explain children.
  • Men fail much oftener from want of perseverance than from want of talent.
  • Men have feelings too, but who really cares?
  • Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened.
  • Men talk as if victory were something fortunate. Work is victory.
  • Men. Give them an inch and they think they're a ruler.
  • Merry Christ Myth!
  • Merry Meet & Merry Part and Merry Meet Again!
  • Metaphors be with you.
  • Michael: It's hard for my sister to eat. Maureen: Why? Michael: She can't bear to stop talking.
  • Middle age is when your old classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald they don't recognize you.
  • Militant Agnostic. I don't know, and you don't either!
  • Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
  • Minds are like parachutes, they function when open.
  • Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays, it insists on it.
  • Miskatonic Summer Games - Fastest food in Arkham
  • Missing dog and wife. Reward for dog!
  • Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.
  • Mmmm. I smell a t-bone ahead.
  • Modern Haircutsby Sean Head
  • Modified Rapture?
  • Moe: My wife converted me to religion. Joe: Really? Moe: Yes. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.
  • Mom and Dad are in the iron and steel business. She does the ironing and he does the stealing.
  • Mom's Travel Agency - Ask about our guilt trips.
  • Mommy monster: Don't eat that uranium. Little monster: Why not? Mommy monster: You'll get atomic-ache.
  • Mommy, all the kids at school say I'm a werewolf! Is that true? No, of course not. Now shut up and comb your face.
  • Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
  • Money can't buy friends but it can buy a better class of enemy.
  • Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
  • Money doesn't always bring happiness. People with $10 million are no happier than people with $9 million.
  • Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honour, make him pay cash.
  • Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch!
  • Money isn't everything. It simply isn't enough!
  • Money wouldn't be so important if everybody didn't want some.
  • Monster-making as a Hobby by Frank N. Stine
  • Monster: Doctor, I'm a blood-sucking monster and I keep needing to eat doctors. Doctor: Oh what a shame. I'm a dentist.
  • Monster: I've got to walk 25 miles home. 'Ghost: Why don't you take a train? Monster: I did once, but my mother made me give it back.
  • Monster: I've got to walk 25 miles home. Ghost: Why don't you take a train. Monster: I did once, but my mother made me give it back.
  • Monster: Someone told me Dr Frankenstein invented the safety match. Igor: Yes, that was one of his most striking achievements.
  • Monster: Stick 'em down. Ghost: Don't you mean, stick 'em up. Monster: No wonder I'm not making much money in this business.
  • Monster: Where do fleas go in winter? Werewolf: Search me!
  • Montana - At least our cows are sane!
  • Moody bitch seeks nice guy for love-hate relationship.
  • Morality is doing what is right no matter what you are told. Religion is doing what you are told no matter what is right.
  • More hay, Trigger? "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
  • More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.
  • Most jobs are marginally better than daytime TV.
  • Most men would respect a woman's mind more if it bounced gently as she walked.
  • Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no help at all.
  • Most of us are only six inches away from success; the distance between our ears.
  • Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
  • Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity.
  • Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.
  • Most successful people can identify one minute, one moment, where their lives changed, and it usually occurred in times of adversity.
  • Mostly you should mind your own business
  • Mother Banana: Why didn't you go to school today? Little Banana: Because I didn't peel well.
  • Mother-in-law: I baked two kinds of cookies today. Would you like to takeyour pick? Son-in-law: No thanks. I'll just use the hammer.
  • Mother: Did you get a good place in the geography test? Fred: Yes, Mum, I sat next to the cleverest kid in the class.
  • Mother: Did you make your bed today? Daughter: Yes, Mom, but I think it would be easier to buy one.
  • Mother: Does your teacher like you? Son: Like me, she loves me. Look at all those X's on my test paper!
  • Mother: Fred, why did you put a slug in your grandma's bed? Fred: Because I couldn't find a snake.
  • Mother: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet? . . . Son: I don't know. The dentist kept it
  • Mother: How do you like your new teacher? Son: I don't. She told me to sit up the front for the present and then she didn't give me one!
  • Mother: How was your first day at school? Son: It was all right except for some man called Teacher who kept spoiling all our fun!
  • Mother: Jared, get your little sister's hat out of that puddle. Jared: I can't mum, she's got it strapped too tight under her chin!
  • Mother: Let me see your report son. Son: Here it is, Mother, but don't show it to Dad. He's been helping me!
  • Mother: What do you mean, the school must be haunted? Daughter: Well, the principal kept going on about the school spirit.
  • Mother: What was the first thing you learned in class? Daughter: How to talk without moving my lips!
  • Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you? Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!
  • Mother: Why is there a strange baby in the crib? Daughter: You told me to change the baby.
  • Mother: Why was the phone busy all night? Babysitter: The fire department put me on hold.
  • Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets there say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum."
  • Motivation gets you going and habit gets you there. Make motivation a habit and you will get there more quickly and have fun on the trip.
  • Motorist: Why are you crying after giving me that ticket? Policeman: It was a moving violation.
  • Mr Monster: Oi, hurry up with my supper. Mrs Monster: Oh, do be quiet I've only got three pairs of hands.
  • Mrs Brown: Who was that at the door? Veronica: A lady with a baby in a buggy. Mrs Brown: Tell her to push off.
  • Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas? No you can have turkey like everyone else!
  • Mum, Mum, Dad's broken my computer! How did he do that? I dropped it on his head.
  • Mum, does God use the bathroom? No, what a funny question! Then why did Dad say this morning, 'Oh, God, are you still in there? '
  • Mum, is it true my baby sister came from Heaven? Yes, that's right. Well, I don't blame God for chucking her out.
  • Mum, there's a man at the door collecting for the Old Folk's Home. Shall I give him Grandma? '
  • Mum: From now on your going to have free school dinners. Son:But, Mum, I don't want three school dinners, one is more than enough!
  • Mum: Haven't you finished filling the salt shaker yet? Son: Not yet. It's really hard to get the salt through all those little holes!
  • Mum: How can you practice your trumpet and listen to the radio at the same time? Son: Easy. I have two ears!
  • Mum: Jackie, go outside and play with your whistle. Your father can't read his paper. Jackie: Wow, I'm only eight and I can read it
  • Mumble, mumble, mumble ... POOF!
  • Mummy Monster: What are you doing with that saw and where's your little brother? Young Monster: Hee, hee! He's my half-brother now!
  • Mummy! Mummy! Have you seen my Cabbage Patch Doll? Be quiet and finish your coleslaw!
  • Murphy was an optimist!
  • My Aunt Maud had so many candles on her last birthday cake that all her party guests got sunburnt!
  • My Co-Pilot IS God!
  • My Daddy says condoms don't work!
  • My Favourite Sweets by Annie Seedball
  • My God = My Judge; Butt Out!
  • My God is alive - sorry about yours.
  • My God is bigger than your god.
  • My God's Is Always Horny
  • My Goddess Is Your God's Mother!
  • My Goddess gave birth to your God.
  • My Governor can beat up your Governor.
  • My Hockey Mom can beat up your Soccer Mom!
  • My Job is to Comfort the Disturbed & Disturb the Comfortable
  • My Karma just ran over your Dogma.
  • My Lawyer can beat your Lawyer!
  • My Mother uses lemon juice for her complexion. Maybe that is why she always looks so sour.
  • My Other Car Is a Chariot
  • My Other Car Is a Pitchfork
  • My Other Vehicle is the Mahayana
  • My Years in a Lunatic Asylum by I. M. Nutty
  • My barber is a specialist in road map shaves. How come? When he's finished, your face is full of short cuts.
  • My birthday's comingDo you know what I need? Yeah, but how do you wrap a life?
  • My boss is a Jewish Carpenter.
  • My boyfriend and I went to a pub and she ordered a Guinness, I was so disgusted I spit out my pina colada!
  • My boyfriend thinks I'm beautifulWell they do say that love is blind!
  • My brother's a professional boxer. Heavyweight? No, featherweight. He tickles his opponents to death!
  • My brother's just opened a shop. Really? How's he doing? Six months. He opened it with a crowbar.
  • My brother's looking for a girlfriend. Trouble is, he can't find a girl who loves him as much as he loves himself.
  • My brother's on a seafood diet. Really? Yes, the more he sees food the more he eats.
  • My brother's one of the biggest stickup men in town. Gosh is he really? Yes, he's a six-foot-six billposter.
  • My car does all the driving. I just sit in here.
  • My cat dislikes the term PET. It prefers FRIEND AND CONFIDANTE.
  • My child was inmate of the month!
  • My computer doesn't understand me!
  • My computer goes down on anybody.
  • My computer isn't that nervous. It's just a bit ANSI.
  • My computer made a funny sound the other day. Of course, I've never heard it get thrown out a window before.
  • My convictions are not for public display.
  • My dad is a fairy. (No he ISN'T gay!)
  • My dad is stupid. He thinks a fjord is a Norwegian motor car.
  • My dance partner dumped me for my best friend. Why? Was he a better dancer? Don't know, I never met him.
  • My daughter turned down your honor student!
  • My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.
  • My doctor told me I was morbidly obese. As if I don't have enough on my plate.
  • My dog can lick anyone.
  • My dog is a nuisance. He chases everyone on a bicycle. What can I do? Take his bike away.
  • My dog is great at math. Really? Ask him how much is two minus two. But two minus two is nothing! That's what he'll answer, nothing!
  • My dog is really a tiny dragon.
  • My dog likes to sit down each evening and surf the Net. What an intelligent animal! Not really, it took the cat three weeks to teach him.
  • My drinking team has a bowling problem.
  • My elephants got no trunk? How does it smell? Terrible!
  • My ex gave me a reason to live: I want Revenge!
  • My friend is nuts. He thinks he's Bugs Bunny. But I'm positive he isn't. How do you know he isn't? Because I am.
  • My friend is so silly that he spent two weeks in a revolving door looking for the doorknob!
  • My friend is so stupid he thinks that an autograph is a chart showing sales figures for cars.
  • My friend is so stupid that he thinks twice before saying nothing.
  • My girlfriend only has one breast so I got her a part-time job at Hooters.
  • My girlfriend told me I needed to be more affectionate, so I got two more girlfriends.
  • My grandfather sodomized your honor student.
  • My grandma has so many wrinkles she has to screw her hat on.
  • My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
  • My great concern is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with your failure.
  • My heart is on the rock my name is on the roll
  • My heros have always killed cowboys!
  • My honor student can drink yours under the table!
  • My honor student sells the best dope!
  • My horoscope read, You're going places and you can't be stopped. Apparently the cop who gave me a ticket hadn't read it.
  • My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
  • My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.
  • My husband said he'd leave me if I didn't stop reading mysteries all the time... I'll sure miss him!
  • My husband's business is rather up-and-down - he makes yo-yos.
  • My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
  • My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
  • My job drives me to drink. If it wasn't for that, I'D QUIT!
  • My job is secure. No one else wants it.
  • My karma ran over my dogma.
  • My karma ran over your dogma!
  • My kid and your taxes go to Starfleet Academy
  • My kid beat up your honor student.
  • My kid can beat up your honor student!
  • My kid got your honor student pregnant!
  • My kid had sex with your honor student!
  • My kid knocked up your honor student.
  • My kid saved your honor student -- God.
  • My kid sells term papers to your honor student.
  • My kid sold your honor student all of the answers to the tests!
  • My kid was Prisoner of the Month at Orange County Jail!
  • My life goal is to piss off brahma so much that I wont need another life goal!
  • My life may be weird, but at least it's not boring!
  • My life selling houses by Con Allday
  • My list of ingredients for success is divided into four basic groups: Inward, Outward, Upward and Onward.
  • My mind is not for sale or rent to any god or government.
  • My mother is a Goddess.
  • My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
  • My mother says I look just like an animal when I'm in the bath - a little bear.
  • My mother-in-law has got so many double chins it looks like she is peering over a pile of pancakes.
  • My mother-in-law is like a fine French Impressionist painting. She's very lovely, but is best appreciated at a distance.
  • My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday. How is she now? She's fine. But, the dog died.
  • My new baby is the image of his father. Never mind. just so long as he's healthy.
  • My other car bumper sticker is funny.
  • My other car is a Porsche
  • My other car is a Zamboni.
  • My other car is a beater!
  • My other car is a broom
  • My other car is a space ship
  • My other car is also a piece of junk
  • My other car was a bicycle last time.
  • My other car!
  • My other ride is your boyfriend.
  • My other ride is your girlfriend.
  • My other ride is your mom.
  • My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird!
  • My other vehicle is a broom stick!
  • My other vehicle was assimilated by the Borg!
  • My other wife is beautiful!
  • My parents think I'm in college
  • My parrot lays square eggs but can only say one word. What's that? Ouch!
  • My reality check bounced!
  • My sexual preference is: Often
  • My ship finally came in, but it was the Kobayashi Maru!
  • My sister fell in love at second sight. When she first met him she didn't know how rich he was.
  • My sister is so dim she thinks that a cartoon is a song you sing in a car.
  • My sister wanted to marry a man clever enough to make a lot of money but dumb enough to spend it on her!
  • My sister went on a crash diet. Is that why she looks a wreck?
  • My teacher loves me - she puts kisses against all my sums.
  • My teacher reminds me of history She's always repeating herself!
  • My teacher's got a pretty face if you can read between the lines.
  • My way is the highway -- God
  • My wife asked me What's on the TV? - I said, Dust!
  • My wife asked me to take her to the zoo the other day. I said, If you want people to see you they can come here and do it!
  • My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her... or something like that.
  • My wife ran off with my best friend, and I sure do miss him.
  • My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. Gosh I will miss her.
  • My wife's other car is a broom stick!
  • My wife's other car is a broom.
  • Mystery readers are never clueless (after chapter one)
  • NOVICE: Do clever men make good husbands? SAGE: Clever men don't BECOME husbands!
  • Name the pig's favorite Shakespeare play. Hamlet.
  • Name two tennis stars who are famous in the hamburger world? Bjorn Borger and Billie Jean-o's Burger King!
  • Nate: Hey, what's the weather like out there? Kate: I don't know. I'll tell you when it clears.
  • National Atheist's Day April 1
  • Natural joy brings no headaches and no heartaches.
  • Naturians, Nerture Nature!
  • Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character give him power.
  • Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
  • Neck Exercises by G. Rarff
  • Necrophilia is dead.
  • Necrophillia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.
  • Ned: Boy! Was I ever in hot water last night! Ed: You were? What did you do? Ned: I took a bath!
  • Ned: What does your Dad sell? Ed: Salt. Ned: Well, my dad is a salt seller, too. Ed: Shake.
  • Need directions? -- God
  • Need help? -- God
  • Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he/she isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
  • Neighbour: Haven't I seen you on TV? Actor: Well, I do appear, on and off, you know. How do you like me? Neighbour: Off.
  • Neurotics build castles in the air. Psychotics live in them, and Psychiatrists charge them rent.
  • Neutrinos have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic!
  • Never Give Up! by Percy Vere
  • Never argue with Idiots. They will bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
  • Never argue with an idiot, they drag you down to your level and beat you with experience.
  • Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
  • Never drive faster than your Guardian Angel can fly.
  • Never ever say "Here, kitty, kitty" to a Kzin
  • Never fight ugly people-they have nothing to loose.
  • Never get into an argument with the schizophrenic person and say, "Just who do you think you are?"
  • Never give the devil a ride -- He will always want to drive.
  • Never give the devil a ride -- He will want to drive.
  • Never give up. Never, never give up!. We shall go on to the end.
  • Never go to bed with anyone crazier than you.
  • Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.
  • Never look down to test the ground before taking your next step; only he who keeps his eye fixed on the far horizon will find the right road.
  • Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.
  • Never mistake activity for achievement.
  • Never mistake knowledge for wisdom. One helps you make a living; the other helps you make a life.
  • Never play leap frog with a Unicorn.
  • Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether!
  • Never shoot to kill. Always shoot to live.
  • Never stop learning; knowledge doubles every fourteen months.
  • Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
  • Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
  • Never think that war, no matter how necessary, nor how justified, is not a crime.
  • Never trust a government that doesn't trust YOU!
  • Never trust a naked lawyer.
  • Never trust a religion that calls its members 'sheep'.
  • Never trust a smiling GM!
  • Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups!
  • New camper: I thought you said this camp has no mosquitoes. Old camper: That's right. These mosquitoes come from the camp down the road!
  • New! Divorce Barbie. Barbie doll with all of Ken's accessories.
  • Next mood swing: 6 minutes. Keep safe distance
  • Next time you wave at me, use more than one finger please.
  • Next year, why not vacation in the millions of worlds of a used book store?
  • Nice front bumper you've got there. Shame if something happened to it...
  • Nice guys finish last and bring you breakfast in bed!
  • Nice little planet you've got here. Shame if something happened to it.
  • Nick: Can you tell me the way to Bath? Rick: I use soap and water, personally.
  • Nietzsche is dead. -- God
  • Nietzsche: God Is Dead -- God: Nietzsche Is Dead -- Satan: Everybodys' Gonna Die.
  • Nine out of ten men who have tried camels prefer women.
  • Nine-tenths of our sickness can be prevented by right thinking plus right hygiene - nine-tenths of it!.
  • Ninety-eight percent of all Fords are still on the road. The other two percent made it home.
  • No God, No Hope - Know God, Know Hope.
  • No Jesus, No Peace - Know Jesus, Know Peace.
  • No Jesus. No salvation - Know Jesus. Know salvation.
  • No coffee, no peace. Know coffee, know peace.
  • No fat bitches, or my shit will scrape!
  • No government is better than NO GOVERNMENT!
  • No great man ever complains of want of opportunity.
  • No great man lives in vain. The history of the world is but the biography of great men.
  • No job too easy - No fee too large - Dragons Rescued - Virgins Slain
  • No man can climb out beyond the limitations of his own character.
  • No man is ever whipped, until he quits -- in his own mind.
  • No man is worth his salt who is not ready at al times to risk his well-being, to risk his body, to risk his life, in a great cause.
  • No man will make a great leader who wants to do it all himself, or to get all the credit for doing it.
  • No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
  • No matter how old you get, if you can keep the desire to be creative, you're keeping the manchild alive.
  • No matter what his rank or position may be, the lover of books is the richest and happiest of the children of men.
  • No matter where you go, you're there.
  • No one can defeat us unless we first defeat ourselves.
  • No one can possibly achieve any real and lasting success or get rich in business by being a conformist.
  • No one feels as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
  • No one is free when others are oppressed.
  • No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  • No person was ever honored for what he received. Honor has been the reward for what he gave.
  • No radio. Already stolen.
  • No thanks. I gave at the orifice.
  • No use telling ME to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
  • No wonder you always go home alone.
  • No, I never did get lost, but I was bewildered for three days once.
  • Nobody cares how you do it up north.
  • Nobody is ugly after 2am!
  • Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.
  • Noisy Nights by Constance Norah
  • Nonconformists are all alike.
  • Nonconformists of the world unite!
  • Normal is a setting on my washing machine.
  • Normal people worry me
  • Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
  • Not a day passes over the earth, but men and women of no note do great deeds, speak great words and suffer noble sorrows.
  • Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.
  • Not all men are fools. Some are single.
  • Not all who wander are lost
  • Not all women are fools. Some are single.
  • Not to know is bad; not to wish to know is worse.
  • Not tonight dear, I have a modem.
  • Nothing can add more power to your life than concentrating all your energies on a limited set of targets.
  • Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.
  • Nothing focuses the mind better than the constant sight of a competitor who wants to wipe you off the map.
  • Nothing great will ever be achieved without great men, and men are great only if they are determined to be so.
  • Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  • Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it
  • Nothing is more expensive than a missed opportunity.
  • Nothing is too high for a man to reach, but he must climb with care and confidence.
  • Nothing political is correct.
  • Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it.
  • Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
  • Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared believe that something inside them was superior.
  • Nothing to lose!
  • Nothing's Ever Right by Mona Lott
  • Noticed there is not much swearing on Twitter... how does that work?
  • Nourish the mind like you would your body. The mind cannot survive on junk food.
  • Now do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
  • Now is the time to fix the next ten years.
  • Now suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.
  • Now that I've cooked the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?
  • Now that you're after me, wanna get married?
  • Nuke a godless, communist, gay baby seal for Christ.
  • Nuke the Whales.
  • Nuke the unborn baby whales.
  • Nuke their ass, take their gas!
  • Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown. Doctor: What does he call his other eye?
  • Nurse: Would you like an appointment for next week? Patient: No, I'm sick now.
  • Nurture your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think.
  • OK, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
  • OUESTION: What is cosmetics? ANSWER: Cosmetics is a woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.
  • Objects in mirror may have flunked driver education.
  • Observation: A carelessly planned project will take three times longer to complete than expected; a carefully planned project will take only twice as long.
  • Observation: I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
  • Observation: It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.
  • Observation: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
  • Observation: Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
  • Observation: The user does not know what he wants until he sees what he gets.
  • Observation: When you are over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.
  • Obsession is the word lazy people give to those of us who are motivated.
  • Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
  • Odin's Child!
  • Of all the properties which belong to honorable men, not one is so highly prized as that of character.
  • Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most!
  • Of cheerfulness, or a good temper - the more it is spent, the more of it remains.
  • Of course I don't look busy, I did it right the first time.
  • Oh for godness sake, fix the pix thing...grrr
  • Oh my God, I think I'm becoming the man I wanted to marry!
  • Oh sure. But what's the speed of dark?
  • Oh, no! I turned out just like my mother!
  • Ohh read our special swine fever report and we promise not to sell you anything
  • Old English Churches by Beverley Minster
  • Old age is like everything else, to make a success of it you got to start young.
  • Old skiers never die - They just go downhill.
  • Old truckers never die. They just get a new Peterbilt.

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