Funny Quotes - Page 2

  • Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that money. I shall be everlastingly in your debt. Harry: That's what I'm afraid of!
  • Fred: We had a burglary last night, and they took everything except the soap and towels. Harry: The dirty crooks.
  • Fred: What's that terribly ugly thing on your shoulders? Harry: Help! What is it? Fred: Your head!
  • Fred: Where does the new kid come from? Harry: Alaska. Fred: Don't bother - I'll ask her myself.
  • Fred: You have the face of a saint. Jill: Really? Which one? Fred: A Saint Bernard.
  • Fred: You've got a Roman nose. Harry: Like Julius Caesar? Fred: No, it's roamin' all over your face.
  • Freda: Boys whisper they love me. Fred: Well, they wouldn't admit it out loud, would they?
  • Freedom Of Religion means ANY Religion.
  • Freedom is the distance between Church and State.
  • Freedom of Religion means ALL Religions
  • Freelance gynecologist.
  • Freya's Folk
  • Friend don't let friends die without Jesus!
  • Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
  • Friends don't let friends boot OS/2tm.
  • Friends don't let friends drive imports.
  • Friends don't let friends eat pork.
  • Friends don't let friends line dance.
  • Friends don't let friends vote Republican
  • Friends help you move house. Real friends help you move bodies.
  • Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
  • Friends let you hide at their place. Real friends let you hide bodies.
  • Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
  • From a Southwest Airlines employee: There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this aircraft. . .
  • From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. That is the point that must be reached.
  • Fueled by Satan.
  • Fundamentalism means never having to open your mind
  • Fundamentalism stops a thinking mind
  • Fundies are Fundies. No matter if they quote the Lord or the Goddess.
  • GOD HAS MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES.
  • GOD-3,000BC; GODDESS-10,000BC; He was made in HER image
  • GODISNOWHERE!
  • Garden Water Features by Lily Pond
  • Generous people are rarely mentally ill people
  • Get Right or get Left!
  • Get a Life! (exclamation point is a cross)
  • Get a Past Life, Too
  • Get a life? I'm a gamer! I have lots of lives!
  • Get a second opinion, read Al-Quran.
  • Get a taste of Religion. Bite a Minister
  • Get a taste of religion. Lick a witch.
  • Get even. Live long enough to be a problem to your children
  • Get in - buckle up - shut up - and hold on!
  • Get in touch with Jesus at www.calm
  • Get off my ass before I start to like it!
  • Get off my tail or I'll flick boogers on your windsheild!
  • Get stoned - Drink liquid cement.
  • Get the hell out of my way. I'm late for church!
  • Get your own bumper sticker and stop staring at mine.
  • Getting a free kitten proves that you don't need money to get love.
  • Ghost: Are you coming to my party? Spook: Where is it? Ghost: In the morgue - you know what they say, the morgue the merrier.
  • Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards in high heels
  • Girl 1: Can I invite a few friends to your Halloween party? Girl 2: Sure. The more, the scarier!
  • Girl Monster 1: I hear you've met the perfect guy. Girl Monster 2: Oh yes, he's a bad dream come true!
  • Girl: Did you like that cake, Mrs Jones? Mrs Jones: Yes, very much. Girl: That's funny. My mom said you didn't have any taste.
  • Girl: Mom, mom a monster's just bitten my foot off. Mom: Well, keep out of the kitchen, I've just washed the floor.
  • Girl: We have a mayor. Do you? Horse: Sure! Girl: What do you call it? Horse: Same as you do. Mare!
  • Girlfriend: Will you love me when I'm old and fat and ugly? Boyfriend: Of course I do!
  • Girls Kick Ass!
  • Girls Rule!
  • Give Blood, Play Hockey!
  • Give God what's right -- not what's left.
  • Give Satan an inch and he'll be a ruler.
  • Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sitin a boat and drink beer all day.
  • Give a man health and a course to steer, and he'll never stop to trouble about whether he's happy or not.
  • Give love and unconditional acceptance to those you encounter, and notice what happens.
  • Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
  • Give me coffee and no one gets hurt.
  • Give me that old-time religion!
  • Give the anarchists an inch, and the next thing you know, they want to be in charge!
  • Giving is better than receiving because giving starts the receiving process.
  • Go ahead and honk. I'm reloading!
  • Go ahead, Honk! If I can hear you, you're in range.
  • Go all out in romance and let the chips fall where they may
  • Go as far as you can see, and when you get there you will see farther.
  • Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
  • Go fascinate someone Else.
  • Go for the moon. If you don't get it, you'll still be heading for a star.
  • Go on, I'll see you at the next traffic light.
  • God Created Adam, saw the mistake!
  • God Is Just Pretend!
  • God Is my Copilot, but He can't drive either.
  • God Must Love Dumb People, He Made SO Many Of Them
  • God could create the universe in six days because he didn't have to make it upward compatible.
  • God created Man. And Man, being the gentleman he is, returned the favor.
  • God created Whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world.
  • God doesn't believe in atheists.
  • God doesn't support Road Rage!
  • God doesn't want shares of your life; He wants controlling interest!
  • God forgives... I don't.
  • God gave man 2 heads and only enough blood to use one.
  • God grades on the cross, not the curve.
  • God grant me patience. And I want it NOW!
  • God has a sense of humor... He made you didn't He?
  • God is Coming AND IS SHE EVER PISSED!
  • God is alive - he's just unemployed.
  • God is alive and well,and working on a less ambitious project!
  • God is coming... and is She pissed!
  • God is dead -- Nietzche ... Nietzche is dead. -- God.
  • God is here: She's cooking dinner for Jesus.
  • God is my CoPilot & He Can't Drive!
  • God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
  • God is my favorite fictional character.
  • God is not a name. It's a job description.
  • God is not dead - he just couldn't find a parking place.
  • God is not dead -- just theism!
  • God is real unless declared integer.
  • God is still on the throne!
  • God isn't dead, I just talked to Him this morning.
  • God isn't with you? Who moved??
  • God knows all the answers - and He's not telling!
  • God knows all the answers - and She's not telling!
  • God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
  • God loves you just the way you are. But He loves you too much to leave you that way.
  • God loves you! And I'm really trying.
  • God makes miracles, but He doesn't clean cars.
  • God must especially love Fundamentalist preachers, Paleoconservative Republicans and the mentally ill, since He is all they ever talk about
  • God must love stupid people, he made so many.
  • God please grant me chastity, but not just yet
  • God protect me from YOUR followers.
  • God pulled an all-nighter on the sixth day.
  • God save us from religies fanatics.
  • God spoke, and BANG! It happened!
  • God wants spiritual fruits, not religious nuts!
  • God was downsized... we're on our own!
  • God was my co-pilot but we crashed into a mountian and I ate Him
  • God was my co-pilot. But we crashed in the Andes, and I had to eat him.
  • God's glory or bust!
  • God's true name is unpronounceable...because God is Welsh!
  • God, Protect Me From Your Followers.
  • God, give me patience, but RIGHT NOW!
  • God, make the bad people good and the good people nice.
  • Goddess in training!
  • Goddess is alive and magic is about!
  • Goddess on board!
  • Going with the flow is soothing but risky
  • Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh? Wouldn't Jesus have preferred Gold, Platinum and Silver?
  • Golfer's Hymn -- "There Is a Green Hill Far Away"
  • Golfer: Caddy, do you think my game is improving? Caddy: Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to.
  • Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron? Caddy: Eventually.
  • Golfer: That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old. Caddy: It's a long time since we started, sir.
  • Golfer: This golf is a funny game. Caddy: It's not supposed to be.
  • Golfer: Well, I have never played this badly before! Caddy: I didn't realize you had played before, sir.
  • Good cowgirls keep their calves together.
  • Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  • Good ideas are not adopted automatically. They must be driven into practice with courageous patience.
  • Good is not good where better is expected.
  • Good luck is another name for tenacity of purpose.
  • Good luck waits to come to that man who accepts opportunity.
  • Good news! I've been given a goldfish for my birthday. . . the bad news is that I don't get the bowl until my next birthday!
  • Good planets are hard to find!
  • Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
  • Gossiper's Hymn -- "Pass it On"
  • Got this email from a friend: CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?
  • Got to love those people profiting from Swine already!
  • Grad School - It's not just a job, it's an indenture!
  • Grandchildren are spoiled because you can't spank the Grandma!
  • Grandma, is it exciting being 99? It certainly is! If I wasn't 99 I'd be dead.
  • Grandma, why don't you drink tea anymore? I don't like it ever since that tea bag got stuck in my throat.
  • Gravity always gets me down.
  • Gravity is a myth. The Earth sucks.
  • Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
  • Great Goddess Great Horned God, Moon's Wink And Magic's Nod!
  • Great crises produce great men and great deeds of courage.
  • Great is the art of beginning, but greater is the art of ending.
  • Great men are like eagles, and build their nest on some lofty solitude.
  • Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people.
  • Great news, teacher says we have a test today come rain or shine. So what's so great about that? It's snowing outside!
  • Great things are not done by impulse, but by a series of small things brought together.
  • Great works are performed, not by strength, but by perseverance.
  • Griping about My cigarette smoking can be hazardous to YOUR health!
  • Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs!
  • Grow Your Own Vegetables by Rosa Carrotts
  • Grow your own dope! Plant a politician!
  • Grow your own dope. Plant a man.
  • Growing old is inevitable. Growing up is optional.
  • Guest: Why did you offer me a piece of candy? Hotel Clerk: You said you wanted the best suite in the hotel.
  • Guilt, Fear, Mass Insanity -3 chears for christianity!
  • Gun Control isn't about guns. It's about control.
  • Gun Exchange programs would work great if they gave you a gun when you handed in a criminal!
  • Gun control is being able to hit your target.
  • Guns didn't make America unsafe, Courts and Congress did!
  • Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
  • Guys have feelings too? Who cares...
  • HEADLINE: A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club. Police are looking into it.
  • HELL: It's not the Heat, it's the Humidity
  • HEY! CAN U SEE @@ (THIS)
  • HUG A LOGGER - you'll never go back to trees.
  • HWhy did the monster lie on his back? To trip up low-flying aircraft.
  • Had a life. Traded it for a faster modem.
  • Had a rough week? We're open on Sundays.
  • Hair Disorders by Dan Druff
  • Ham and eggs - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
  • Hands that help are better than lips that pray.
  • Hang up and drive!
  • Happiness and high performance come to you when you choose to live your life consistent with your highest values & your deepest convictions.
  • Happiness can't buy money.
  • Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think freely, to risk life, to be needed.
  • Happiness comes when you believe in what you are doing, know what you are doing, and live what you are doing.
  • Happiness depends upon ourselves.
  • Happiness depends, as Nature shows, Less on exterior things than most suppose.
  • Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
  • Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response.
  • Happiness is a matter of one's most ordinary and everyday mode of consciousness being busy and lively and unconcerned with self.
  • Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself.
  • Happiness is a state of activity.
  • Happiness is a warm machinegun.
  • Happiness is as a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.
  • Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
  • Happiness is like a kiss. You must share it to enjoy it.
  • Happiness is not a destination. It is a method of life.
  • Happiness is not a reward - it is a consequence. Suffering is not a punishment - it is a result.
  • Happiness is not by chance, but by choice.
  • Happiness is not the result of circumstance. It is the result of loving others.
  • Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.
  • Happiness is something that comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open.
  • Happiness is the planet Earth in your rear-view mirror.
  • Happiness lies in the joy of achievement and the thrill of creative effort.
  • Happiness quite unshared can scarcely be called happiness; it has no taste.
  • Happy people plan actions, they don't plan results.
  • Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now!
  • Hard work never hurt anybody, but then I figured why take the risk.
  • Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
  • Harm None, Do what you will.
  • Has Anyone Seen My Constitutional Rights?
  • Haste in every business brings failure.
  • Hatred is NOT a Family Value.
  • Hatton: I ain't as dumb as I look! Folsom: You couldn't be!
  • Have You Hugged A Witch Today?
  • Have a crappy day
  • Have a nice day... somewhere else.
  • Have fun in bed with someone you love. Use your car for better things.
  • Have i found Jesus? don't tell me he is lost again!
  • Have you confused a Christian today?
  • Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
  • Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it?
  • Have you ever noticed... anybody going slower than you is an idiot. And anyone going faster is a maniac.
  • Have you ever seen a duchess? Yes - it's the same as an English s
  • Have you ever seen a man-eating tiger? No, but in the restaurant next door I once saw a man eating chicken!
  • Have you got any broken biscuits? Yes, I have. Well, you shouldn't be so clumsy!
  • Have you got the address of the butter website? Yes, but don't spread it around.
  • Have you heard about the elephant that went on a crash diet? He wrecked three cars, a bus and two fire engines!
  • Have you heard about the goodweather witch? She's forecasting sunny spells.
  • Have you heard about the latest Polish parachute? It opens on impact.
  • Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy? No! Tell me about it. It smells of $50 dollar bills.
  • Have you heard about the pig who took up disco dancing? He liked to swing his weight around.
  • Have you heard about the slippery eel? Didn't think so, you wouldn't be able to grasp it! sna
  • Have you heard that all the buses and trains are stopping today? No. Is there a strike? No, they're stopping to let the passengers off.
  • Have you heard that there's a new mountain website? Really? I must take a peak at it!
  • Have you heard the story about the loaf of bread? No. Oh, crumbs.
  • Have you read the book, 100-mile Horse TrekWho wrote it? Major Bumsore
  • Have you seen stieve wonders house? -niether did he
  • Have you seen the bus website? Yes - it's just the ticket!
  • Have you seen the new fishing website? No, it's not online yet.
  • Have you seen www.amnesia.com? Sorry, I just can't remember.
  • Have you seen www.apathy.com? No, and quite honestly I can't be bothered.
  • Have you seen www.blottingpaper.com? Yes, I found it very absorbing.
  • Have you seen www.boomerang .com? Yes, I return to it again and again.
  • Have you seen www.brokenglass.com? Yes, but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
  • Have you seen www.busfull.com? No, I'm afraid that one passed me by.
  • Have you seen www.dustbin.com? Yes, but it's a load of rubbish.
  • Have you seen www.hook.com? Yes, it's already caught my eye.
  • Have you seen www.indecisive.com? Yes and no.
  • Have you seen www.lockeddoor.com? Yes, but I found it very difficult to get into.
  • Have you seen www.needleinahaystack.com? Yes, but it took ages to find.
  • Have you seen www.pitchdark.com? Yes, but I really couldn't see what all the fuss is about.
  • Have you seen www.quasimodo.com? I'm not sure, but certainly rings a bell.
  • Have you seen www.quicksand.com? Yes, but it hasn't sunk in yet.
  • Have you seen www.shelterfromtherain.com? Yes, but it doesn't really stand out.
  • Have you seen www.smallearthquake.com? Yes, its's no great shakes!
  • Have you seen www.square.com? No, I haven't got around to it.
  • Have you seen www.stickytape.com? Yes, I can't tear myself away.
  • Have you seen www.tame.com? Yes, but I'm not wild about it.
  • Have you seen www.tomatosauce.com? No, I'll ketchup with it later.
  • Have you seen www.topsecret.com? If I have, I'm not going to tell you.
  • Have you seen www.usedmatch.com? Yes, but I didn't find it striking.
  • Have you seen www.veryangry.com? No, AND STOP ASKING ME STUPID QUESTIONS!
  • Have you seen www.yawn.com? Yes, but I'm a bit tired of it.
  • Having Abandoned My Search For Truth I Am Now Looking For A Good Fantasy
  • Having children is like being pecked to death by ducks.
  • Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
  • Having truth decay? Brush up on your Bible!
  • He has not learned the first lesson is life who does not every day surmount a fear.
  • He is so dumb, he thinks an agent is someone who keeps track of your age!
  • He who angers you, controls you!
  • He who asks of life nothing but the improvement of his own nature... is less liable than anyone else to miss and waste life.
  • He who cures a disease may be the skillfullest, but he that prevents it is the safest physician.
  • He who dies with the most toys, wins!
  • He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.
  • He who has never learned to obey cannot be a good commander.
  • He who hesitates IS LUNCH!
  • He who hesitates is last.
  • He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.
  • He who hesitates is probably right.
  • He who hesitates pisses off everyone behind him.
  • He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  • He who laughs last, thinks slowest!
  • He who refuses to embrace a unique opportunity loses the prize as surely as if he had failed.
  • He who reigns within himself and rules his passions, desires, and fears is more than a king.
  • He who waits to do a great deal of good at once, will never do anything.
  • He's YOUR God, They're YOUR rules, YOU go to Hell!
  • He's YOUR God. They're YOUR rules. YOU burn in Hell!
  • He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
  • He's the best physician that knows the worthlessness of the most medicines.
  • Head sucks - really it does!
  • Heading in the wrong direction? God allows U-turns.
  • Health is the greatest of all possessions; a pale cobbler is better than a sick king.
  • Hear about the blonde explorer? She bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the Sahara Desert.
  • Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it at night. . .
  • Heart Attacks...God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends.
  • Heaven doesn't want me, and Hell is afraid I'll take over.
  • Heaven is a lonely place. Everybody thinks they're the only one going
  • Heaven is at your mother's feet. (Muslim bumper sticker)
  • Heaven won't take me and Hell is afraid I'll take over.
  • Heaven's for saved people... not good people!
  • Heaven, not a place but a state of mind
  • Heavily medicated for your safety
  • Heck is a place for people who don't believe in gosh.
  • Hell begins on the day when God grants us a clear vision of all that we might have achieved.
  • Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
  • Hell is like Florida: It's not the heat, it's the humidity
  • Hell's too hot; Heaven's full of religious people. That's supposed to be a choice?
  • Hello flight 56, if you hear me rock your wings. . OK TOWER, IF YOU HEAR ME ROCK THE TOWER! !
  • Hello, officer. Put it on my tab.
  • Hello? Fred's Restaurant. Hello! I'd like to know, do you serve crabs? We serve anyone, sir! Come on in!
  • Help beautify our dumps. Throw away something pretty.
  • Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.
  • Help wanted: Telepath ... you know where to apply.
  • Help! I Farted and can't roll down my windows!
  • Help! I've tripped and I can't come down!
  • Helpline? I've just pushed a piece of bacon into my disk drive! Has the computer stopped working? No, but there's a lot of crackling.
  • Hemp Hemp Hooray
  • Heredity is the thing a child gets from the other side of the family.
  • Hey buddy. How late does the band play? About half a beat behind the drummer.
  • Hey jerk! You are driving a car, not a phone booth
  • Hey, you just shot my wife. I'm so sorry, have a shot at mine!
  • Hickory hickory dock. The mouse ran up the clockThe clock struck oneBut the rest got away with minor injuries
  • High achievement always takes place in a framework of high expectation.
  • Hire teenagers while they still know everything!
  • Hire the Handicapped... Were fun to watch!
  • His girlfriend returned all his letters. I bet she marked them second class male!
  • History knows no resting places and no plateaus.
  • History records the successes of men with objectives & a sense of direction. Oblivion is the position of small men overwhelmed by obstacles.
  • Hit on the Head by I. C. Stars
  • Hit'em All! Let EMT's sort'em out.
  • Hitch your wagon to a star.
  • Hold fast to dreams for if dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly.
  • Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
  • Honesty pays, but not enough
  • Honk Forty Times if you're Orthodox
  • Honk If You Want To See My Finger.
  • Honk If you think I'm Jesus
  • Honk all you want. I'm deaf!
  • Honk if You Don't Exist
  • Honk if anything falls off.
  • Honk if you ARE Jesus
  • Honk if you are God.
  • Honk if you are just a honker.
  • Honk if you hate noise pollution.
  • Honk if you like peace and quiet.
  • Honk if you love Allah
  • Honk if you love God!
  • Honk if you love Isis
  • Honk if you love Vishnu
  • Honk if you love cheeses.
  • Honk if you love me.
  • Honk if you love peace and quiet.
  • Honk if you see something fall off.
  • Honk if you understand Punctuated Equilibrium.
  • Honk if you're horny!
  • Honk if you're illiterate!
  • Honk if you're not wearing underwear!
  • Honk if you've betrayed Our Lord
  • Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window!
  • Honk yer horn fer Satan!
  • Hoot: How the hell can ya be so stupid? Jessie: Well, it ain't somethin' yew can pick up overnight.
  • Horn broken - Watch for finger
  • Horn not working, Watch for hand signals
  • Horror Stories by R. U. Scared
  • Hot Enough For You?
  • Hot Flash? No, power surge!
  • Hotel guest: Can you give me a room and a bath, please? Porter: I can give you a room, but you'll have to wash yourself.
  • Housework is evil, it must be stopped.
  • How Dare you assume I'm a Christian!
  • How I Crossed the Desert by Rhoda Camul
  • How I Won the Pools by Jack Potts
  • How are UFO's related to hamburgers? Both are Unidentified Frying Objects!
  • How are men like carpet tiles? If you lay them properly the first time around, you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.
  • How are men like noodles? They are always in hot water, they lack taste and they need dough.
  • How are skunks able to avoid danger? By using their instinks and common scents!
  • How are tigers like sergeants in the army? They both wear stripes!
  • How are you doing in arithmetic? I've learned to add up the zeros, but the numbers are still giving me trouble.
  • How are you getting on with the Internet? Surf far, so good.
  • How are you going to pay the Chihuahua who helped you to set up your computer? With dog diskettes!
  • How can I miss you if you won't go away?
  • How can a can you double your money? By folding it in half.
  • How can if you have a stupid dog? It chases parked cars!
  • How can one TV station have the "exclusive" accurate weather? Did they "storm" in and scoop the others?
  • How can the cemetry raise it's burial costs and blame it on the cost of living?
  • How can you avoid falling hair? Get out of the way.
  • How can you be sure you have counterfeit money? If it's a three-dollar bill, you can be sure.
  • How can you double your money? Look at it in a mirror.
  • How can you get a set of teeth put in for free? Smack a monster.
  • How can you get rich by eating? Eat fortune cookies.
  • How can you help a starving cannibal? Give him a helping hand.
  • How can you help a starving cannibal? Give them a hand!
  • How can you kill an idiot with half a dollar? Throw it under a bus.
  • How can you make a basset hound fast? Take away its food!
  • How can you make a moth ball? Hit it with a fly swatter.
  • How can you make a soup rich? Add 14 carrots (carats) to it.
  • How can you make a witch itch? Take away her W.
  • How can you make money fast? Glue it to the floor.
  • How can you mend King Kong's arm if he's twisted it? With a monkey wrench.
  • How can you recognize a Gnome Pig? They're the ones with the little red hats.
  • How can you shorten a bed? Don't sleep long in it.
  • How can you spell chilly with two letters? IC (icy) .
  • How can you spell too much with two letters? XS (excess).
  • How can you tell a Minnesota hockey fan? Ask him what color the blue line is and wait. It may take him ten minutes to answer.
  • How can you tell a dog from a tomato? The tomato is red.
  • How can you tell a dog from an elephant? The elephant remembers.
  • How can you tell a lawyer is lying? Other lawyers look interested.
  • How can you tell a male dinosaur from a female dinosaur? Ask it a question. If he answers, it's a male; if she answers, it's female.
  • How can you tell a rabbit from a skunk? A skunk uses a cheaper deodorant!
  • How can you tell an Italian witch from an English one? By her suntan!
  • How can you tell an old person from a young person? An old person can sing and brush their teeth at the same time.
  • How can you tell elephants love to travel? They are always packing their trunk!
  • How can you tell if a California State coed is a good cook? She can get the pop tart out of the toaster in one piece.
  • How can you tell if a bee is on the phone? You get a buzzy signal.
  • How can you tell if a dinosaur is visiting your house? His tricycle will be parked outside.
  • How can you tell if a ghost is about to faint? He gets pale as a sheet.
  • How can you tell if a man is cheating on you? He has a bath more than once a month.
  • How can you tell if a monster has a glass eye? Because it comes out in conversation
  • How can you tell if a monster has a glass eye? When it comes out in conversation.
  • How can you tell if a parrot is intelligent? It speaks in Polly-syllables!
  • How can you tell if a redneck is married? ... There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.
  • How can you tell if a redneck is married? .... There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.
  • How can you tell if a snake is a baby snake? It has a rattle.
  • How can you tell if a tornado is stupid? -If it spins anti-cyclonically
  • How can you tell if an elephant's been to your birthday party? Look for his footprints in the ice cream.
  • How can you tell if someone who's having a temper tantrum is on the phone? You get a tizzy signal!
  • How can you tell if someone who's just had a perm is on the phone? You get a frizzy signal!
  • How can you tell if there is an elephant in your dessert? You get very lumpy ice cream!
  • How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light!
  • How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow-worm? He has a flashing light.
  • How can you tell that you're getting old? You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!
  • How can you tell the difference between a can of chicken soup and a can of tomato soup? Read the label.
  • How can you tell the pig is a failure as Easter bunny? By the egg on its face.
  • How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
  • How can you tell when a salesperson is lying? His lips are moving.
  • How can you tell when a skunk is angry? It raises a stink!
  • How can you tell when the Chief Accountant is getting soft? When he actually listens to Marketing before saying No
  • How can you tell when witches are carrying a time bomb? You can hear their brooms tick!
  • How can you tell which Burger Land baseball pitchers are left-handed? They're the one's wearing the left-handed 'meats'!
  • How can you tell which end of a worm is which? Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
  • How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group? Look for gray hares.
  • How can you tell who is the head nurse of a facility? She's the one with dirty knees.
  • How come abbreviated is such a long word?
  • How come if ants are always so busy they always get time to show up at picnics?
  • How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
  • How come the giant Ape climbed up the side of the skyscraper? The elevator was broken!
  • How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
  • How come wrong numbers are never busy?
  • How come you never write e-mails? I'd rather send a note!
  • How could I have been doing 70 miles an hour when I've only been driving for 10 minutes?
  • How could the dolphin afford to buy a house? He prawned everything!
  • How did Bill and Hillary Clinton first meet? They were both dating the same girl in high school.
  • How did Columbus's men sleep on their ships? With their eyes shut!
  • How did Dairy Queen get pregnant? Burger King didn't cover his Whopper.
  • How did Dr Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster? On a piece rate.
  • How did Frankenstein's monster eat his lunch? He bolted it down.
  • How did Gertie Gorilla make the 'Playboy' Calendar? She was 'Miss Ape-ril! '
  • How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
  • How did a Gorilla come to be with Washington at Valley Forge? He had seen a sign saying, 'Uncle Simian Wants You! '
  • How did cows feel when the branding iron was invented? They were very impressed!
  • How did rich people get their money? They were calm and collected.
  • How did skeletons send each other letters in the days of the Wild West? By Bony Express.
  • How did that bullfight come out? Oh, it was a toss-up!
  • How did the Chihuahua disappear on the road? It was using a hide-'n-go-seekle!
  • How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
  • How did the aliens hurt the farmer? They trod on his corn.
  • How did the basketball court get wet? The players dribbled all over it!
  • How did the blonde burn her nose? Bobbing for french fries.
  • How did the bootician style the ghost's hair? With a scare dryer!
  • How did the calf's final exam turn out? Grade A!
  • How did the cannibal turn over a new leaf? He became a vegetarian.
  • How did the chickens dance at the Christmas party? Chick to chick!
  • How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
  • How did the dog feel when he lost his flashlight? Delighted.
  • How did the dog get into the locked cemetery at night? He used a skeleton key.
  • How did the dog make anti-freeze? He stole her blanket.
  • How did the dog make gold soup? He put in 24 carrots.
  • How did the dog warn its master that a Gorilla was approaching? He barked g-r-r-r-illa!
  • How did the dog's owner know his pet was angry about having soap flakes for breakfast? He foamed at the mouth.
  • How did the farmer find his lost cow? He tractor down
  • How did the fish's tail get stuck in the anchor chain? It was just a fluke!
  • How did the flea learn to use the internet? He had to start from scratch.
  • How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle? Somebody took a corner!
  • How did the ghost song-and-dance act make a living? By appearing in television spooktaculars.
  • How did the hail stone describe it's life? -It really has a lot of ups and downs
  • How did the instructor try to make horse riding enjoyable? He tried to stirrup some interest!
  • How did the jury find the hamburger? Grill-ty as charred!
  • How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster? Terrier-fied!
  • How did the little pig win at Monopoly? He built hotels on Pork Place.
  • How did the man feel when he got a big bill from the electric company? He was shocked.
  • How did the monster cure his sore throat? He spent all day gargoyling.
  • How did the obscene telephone caller get attacked by the Gorilla? He made a mistake and dialled a preyer!
  • How did the octopus lovers walk down the road? Arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm.
  • How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion? It had a lot of hare pins!
  • How did the rainbow know is was lost? -It was a clear day
  • How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself? With a hare dryer!
  • How did the telephones get married? In a double ring ceremony!
  • How did the toad die? He simply croaked!
  • How did the witch almost lose her baby? She didn't take it far enough into the woods.
  • How did the woman feel when she got run over by a car? Tired.
  • How did the world's tallest monster become short overnight? Someone stole all his money.
  • How did you do in your tests? I did what George Washington did! What was that? Went down in history!
  • How did you find the weather at camp? It was easy. I just went outside - and there it was!
  • How did your mom know you hadn't washed your face? I forgot to wet the soap.
  • How do Alaska CB radio operators say 10-4? 5-5-2-2.
  • How do Filipinos count money? One-a, two-a, three-a, four-a, another-a . . .
  • How do I set my laser printer on stun?
  • How do Indian chiefs send messages? By teepee-mail!
  • How do Iranians speak on the telephone? Persian-to-Persian (person-to-person).
  • How do Italian Chefs swap recipes? By Spaghett-e-mail!
  • How do Jewish people celebrate Christmas? They all gather around their cash registers and singWhat a Friend We Have In Jesus. . .
  • How do Religious Education teachers mark exams? With spirit levels.
  • How do angels greet each other? They say, Halo.
  • How do ants hide from aardvarks? They disguise themselves as uncles!
  • How do athletes send e-mails? On the Inter-sweat.
  • How do bank robbers send messages? By flee mail!
  • How do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
  • How do barmen surf the web? On the Gin-ternet.
  • How do bees get to school? By school buzz!
  • How do bulls drive their cars? They steer them!
  • How do cats eat spaghetti? The same as everyone else - they put it in their mouths!
  • How do comedians send messages? By tee-hee mail.
  • How do dolphins send messages? By sea-mail.
  • How do eels get around the seabed? They go by octobus.
  • How do fireflies lose weight? They burn calories.
  • How do fireflies start a race? Ready steady glow!
  • How do fireflies start a race? Ready, steady, glow!
  • How do fish go into business? The start on a small scale!
  • How do footballers send messages? By referee-mail.
  • How do frogs die? They kermit suidide!
  • How do frogs manage to lay so many eggs? They sit eggsaminations!
  • How do gossipy hamburgers spend their time? They chew the fat.
  • How do heavy metal bands surf the web? On the Din-ternet.
  • How do hens encourage their football teams? They egg them on!
  • How do hurricanes see? -With one eye
  • How do jockeys determine which racehorses are the favourites? They take a gallop poll!
  • How do long distance runners send e-mail? On the sprin-ternet.
  • How do man-eating monsters count to a thousand? On their warts.
  • How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
  • How do mountainers send messages? By ski-mail.
  • How do nuns surf the web? On the Hymnternet.
  • How do rabbits get to work? By rabbit transit!
  • How do rain drops marry? -They coalesce
  • How do really posh dogs send messages? By predigree-mail.
  • How do salespeople traditionally greet each other? Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm better than you.
  • How do scaredy-cats answer the phone? Yellow?
  • How do sheep greet each other at Christmas? A merry Christmas to ewe
  • How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad!
  • How do sheep keep warm in winter? Central bleating!
  • How do sheep sign their e-mails? Ewes sincerely.
  • How do skunks like their e-mails? Scent.
  • How do snails get their shells all shiny? They use snail polish.
  • How do snowmen read their e-mails? With an icy-stare!
  • How do snowmen travel around? By iceicle!
  • How do spacemen pass the time on long trips? They play astronauts and crosses!
  • How do stones stop moths eating your clothes? Because rolling stones gather no moths!
  • How do the Rolling Stones like their burgers? Plain - Rolling Stones gather no moss-tard!
  • How do the fish get to school? By octobus!
  • How do they dance in Arabia? Sheik-to-sheik (cheek).
  • How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
  • How do they prevent crime in hamburger country? With burger alarms!
  • How do thunderstorms invest their money? -In a combination of liquid assets and frozen assets
  • How do vampire football players get the mud off? They all get in the bat-tub.
  • How do vampires keep their breath smelling nice? They use extractor fangs.
  • How do warty witches keep their hair out of place? With scare spray.
  • How do wasps send messages? By bee-mail.
  • How do we know burgers love young people? They're pro-teen!
  • How do we know hamburgers have high IQ's? They 'loin' fast!
  • How do we know that Apes are like fish after a rainstorm? They'll both bite at anything!
  • How do we know that Joan of Arc was French? She was maid in France!
  • How do we know that hamburgers love classic music? They're often found at the Meatropolitan Opera House and Cownegie Hall!
  • How do we know that insects are so clever? Because they always know when your eating outside!
  • How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America? They had reservations.
  • How do whales type e-mails? With their fish fingers.
  • How do witches lose weight? They join weight witches.
  • How do writers send e-mail? On the Inkernet.
  • How do you address a monster? Very politely.
  • How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? Phone her.
  • How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
  • How do you catch the Easter Bunny? Hide in the bushes and make a noise like a carrot!
  • How do you communicate with a fish? You drop it a line!
  • How do you communicate with the Loch Ness Monster at 20, 000 fathoms? Drop him a line.
  • How do you confuse a man? You don't - they're born that way.
  • How do you confuse a wanker? 37
  • How do you confuse an idiot? Give him two spades and ask him to take his pick.
  • How do you cook vegatables in the microwave? Take them out their wheelchair.
  • How do you define an aardvark? Aan aanimal that resembles an aanteater!
  • How do you dial a pushbutton phone?
  • How do you drive an accountant completely insane? Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
  • How do you eat a DNA spaghetti? With a replication fork (you can also use your zinc fingers. . . )
  • How do you feel if you cross a sheepdog with a melon? Melon-collie!
  • How do you find where a flea has bitten you? Start from scratch!
  • How do you find white shirts on the Internet? Use a starch engine.
  • How do you find your dog if he's lost in the woods? Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark!
  • How do you fit five elephants into a car? Two in the front, two in the back and the other in the glove compartment!
  • How do you fit more pigs on your farm? Build a sty-scraper!
  • How do you fix a broken website? With stick e-tape.
  • How do you fix a woman's watch? - It doesn't matter. There is a clock on the oven.
  • How do you get a Texas Tech senior's eyes to sparkle? Shine a flashlight in his ears.
  • How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep? You rock-et.
  • How do you get a cut-price parrot? Plant bird seed!
  • How do you get a ghost to lie perfectly flat? You use a spirit level.
  • How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.
  • How do you get a paper baby? Marry an old bag.
  • How do you get a parrot to talk properly? Send him to polytechnic!
  • How do you get an elephant into a matchbox? Take all the matches out first!
  • How do you get around fast on the bottom of the sea? Skates!
  • How do you get four old ladies to say the F word? Have the fifth one say. . . . BINGO!
  • How do you get milk from a witch's cat? Steal her saucer.
  • How do you get off a non-stop flight?
  • How do you get pikachu on to a boat? You pokemon
  • How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
  • How do you get the most apples when bobbing at Halloween Wear a snorkel!
  • How do you go about hiring a horse? Try two pairs of stilts!
  • How do you hire a horse? Put a brick under each hoof!
  • How do you hire a teddy bear? Put him on stilts!
  • How do you hire an elephant? Stand it on four bricks!
  • How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
  • How do you insult a hamburger patty? Call it a meatball!
  • How do you join a Vampire Fan Club? Send your name, address and blood group.
  • How do you keep a dog from barking in your front yard? Put him in your back yard.
  • How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day? Give him a bottle of shampoo which says lather, rinse, repeat.
  • How do you keep an imbecile happy all his life? Tell him a joke when he's a baby!
  • How do you kill a blonde? Give them a gun an say it is a blow dryer
  • How do you know a Brigham Young student's been mowing the lawn? The welcome mat is destroyed.
  • How do you know accountants have no imagination? They named a firm PricewaterhouseCoopers.
  • How do you know if you cat's got a bad cold? He has cat-arrh!
  • How do you know if you have a tough mosquito? You slap him and he slaps you back!
  • How do you know if your a red neck? You go to the family reunion to find a date!
  • How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling? She's got that down in the mouth look!
  • How do you know if your little brother is turning into a fridge? See if a little light come on whenever he opens his mouth!
  • How do you know that a elephant's been in the fridge? There are foot prints in the butter.
  • How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures? They never cry over spilt milk!
  • How do you know that peanuts are fattening? Have you ever seen a skinny elephant?
  • How do you know that there's a monster in your bath? You can't get the shower curtain closed.
  • How do you know there's a blonde secretary working in an office? The boss is always smiling.
  • How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? - She starts her sentence with A man once told me. . .
  • How do you know when an accountant's on holidays? He doesn't wear a tie to work and comes in after 8. 30.
  • How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed? You wake up wet!
  • How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed? When your nose touches the ceiling!
  • How do you know when there's a rabbit in your bed? You can smell the carrots on his breath.
  • How do you know when you are in bed with a witch? She has a big W embroidered on her pyjamas!
  • How do you know when you're eating rabbit stew? When it has hares in it.
  • How do you know you're leading a sad life? When a nymphomaniac tells you, Let's just be friends.
  • How do you lead a horse to water? With lots of carrots.
  • How do you lose fourteen stone of fat? Dump him.
  • How do you make a Gorilla float? Two scoops of ice cream, some club soda and a very tasty Gorilla!
  • How do you make a Gorilla laugh? Tell it an elephant joke!
  • How do you make a Gorilla stew? You keep it waiting for three hours!
  • How do you make a Venetian blind? Poke him in the eye
  • How do you make a bandstand? Take away their chairs
  • How do you make a blonde laugh on a Wednesday? Tell her a joke on a Monday!
  • How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle? Shine a light in her ear...
  • How do you make a blondes eyes shine bright? Shine a torch in her ear!
  • How do you make a butterfly? Flick it out of the butter dish with a knife!
  • How do you make a cheeseburger sad? Make it with blue cheese!
  • How do you make a dog float? Take two scoops of ice cream, a couple of squirts of soda and a small dog.
  • How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted!
  • How do you make a hamburger green? Find a yellow cheeseburger and mix it with a blue one!
  • How do you make a hamburger smile? Pickle it gently!
  • How do you make a milkshake? Give a cow a pogo stick.
  • How do you make a moth bawl? Hit him with a fly swatter.
  • How do you make a rabbit fast? Don't feed it.
  • How do you make a rabbit stew? Keep it waiting.
  • How do you make a slow reindeer fast? Don't feed it!
  • How do you make a small fortune out of horses? Start off with a large fortune!
  • How do you make a tame duck wild? Annoy it.
  • How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!
  • How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden
  • How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
  • How do you make an elephant sandwich? First of all, you get a very large loaf. . .
  • How do you make gold soup? Put 14 carrots in it.
  • How do you make rude noises on the Internet? With a whoop e-cushion.
  • How do you measure a Villanova graduate's I. Q. ? With a tire gauge.
  • How do you pamper your parents? That depends.
  • How do you plant dope? Bury a blonde.
  • How do you play Iraqi bingo? F18. . . B52. . . F18
  • How do you post a fish? You send it COD . . . or first bass mail
  • How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!
  • How do you raise a baby elephant? With a fork lift truck!
  • How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
  • How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
  • How do you see that a linedancer came from Belgium and not from the Netherlands? He wears the cardboard box on his boots.
  • How do you separate the Greek boys from the Greek men at a Greek BBQ? With a Crowbar! ! ! ! !
  • How do you shoot a great white shark? Hold his nose until he turns blue and then you shoot him with a blue shark spear gun!
  • How do you spell a hated opponent with three letters? NME (enemy).
  • How do you spell we with two letters without using the letters W and E? U and I.
  • How do you spell wrong? R? o? n? g. That's wrong. That's what you asked for, isn't it?
  • How do you spot a modern spider? He doesn't have a web he had a website!
  • How do you start a teddy bear race? Ready, teddy, go!
  • How do you start an insect race? One, two, flea - go
  • How do you stop a dog howling in the back of a car? Put him in the front.
  • How do you stop a dog smelling? Put a peg on it's nose!
  • How do you stop a monster digging up your garden? Take his spade away.
  • How do you stop a monster from smelling? Cut off his nose.
  • How do you stop a rooser crowing on Sunday? Eat him on Saturday!
  • How do you stop a taliban tank? Shoot the Guy Pushing it
  • How do you stop a thundering herd of Apes? Hold up your arm and say 'Go back, you didn't say 'May I? '
  • How do you stop an angry elephant from charging? Take away it's credit cards!
  • How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden? Hide the ball, it drives them nuts!
  • How do you stop your laptop batteries from running out? Hide their trainers.
  • How do you take a pig to hospital? By hambulance!
  • How do you tell a good monster from a bad one? If it's a good one you will be able to talk about it later!
  • How do you tune a fish? With its scales!
  • How do you turn a Fox into a Pit Bull? Marry her!
  • How do you weigh a whale? On Whale Weigh Scales.
  • How do zombies celebrate Halloween? They paint the town dead!
  • How do, like, really laid-back types answer the phone? Mellow.
  • How does AVON find so many women willing to take orders?
  • How does Dracula keep fit? He plays batminton.
  • How does Dracula like to have his food served? In bite-sized pieces.
  • How does Ebenezer Scrooge make phone calls? Collect!
  • How does Frankenstein sit in his chair? Bolt upright.
  • How does James Bond type e-mails? With his goldfinger.
  • How does Moby Dick celebrate his birthday? He has a whale of a party!
  • How does Robin hood send messages around Sherwood Forest? By tree mail!
  • How does Santa Claus take pictures? With his North Pole-aroid.
  • How does Snoop Dogg keep his canine teeth white? BLEEEEEE-YATCH!
  • How does a New York University psychology major turn on his lights in the morning? By opening the car door.
  • How does a Russian Aeroflot pilot navigate? By reading street signs.
  • How does a Snowman get to work? By icicle.
  • How does a baboon make phone calls? He just monkeys around on the line!
  • How does a baby ghost cry? Boo-hoo! Boo-hoo!
  • How does a barber make phone calls? He cuts them short.
  • How does a baritone make phone calls? Song distance!
  • How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely? With it's sparrowchute!
  • How does a burger acquire good taste? With a little seasoning!
  • How does a cheerleader answer the phone? H-E-L-L-O!
  • How does a cow do math? With a cowculator!
  • How does a door chime answer the phone? Bella?
  • How does a farmer send messages? By e-i-e-i-o-mail.
  • How does a football player make phone calls? On a touch-down phone.
  • How does a ghost start a letter? Tomb it may concern.
  • How does a girl vampire flirt? She bats her eyes.
  • How does a group of dolphin's make a decision? Flipper coin!
  • How does a leopard change its spots? When it gets tired of one spot it just moves to another!
  • How does a lobster answer the phone? Shello?
  • How does a male lightning bolt feel when he notices an attractive female lightning bolt? Thunderstruck
  • How does a mama pig put her piglets to sleep? She reads them pig tales.
  • How does a monster begin a fairy tale? Once upon a slime . . .
  • How does a physicist exercise? By pumping ion!
  • How does a pig write home? With a pig pen.
  • How does a pitcher walk a man in Burger Land baseball? He throws four meatballs!
  • How does a queen bee get around her hive? She's throne!
  • How does a skeleton call her friends? On a telebone.
  • How does a vampire clean his house? With a victim cleaner.
  • How does a vampire enter his house? Through the bat flap.
  • How does a vampire get through life with only one fang? He has to grin and bare it.
  • How does a witch doctor ask a girl to dance? 'Voodoo like to dance with me? '
  • How does a witch make scrambled eggs? She holds the pan and gets two friends to make the stove shake with fright.
  • How does an apple a day keep the doctor away? When you take careful aim.
  • How does an elephant get down from a tree? He sits on a leaf and waits till autumn!
  • How does an elephant get out of a small car? The same way that he got in!
  • How does an elephant go up a tree? It stands on an acorn and waits for it to grow.
  • How does an idiot call for his dog? He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts Rover.
  • How does an octopus go to war? Well-armed!
  • How does every ethnic joke start? By looking over your shoulder.
  • How does the Easter Bunny paint all of those eggs? He hires Santa's elves during the off-season.
  • How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
  • How does the Easter Bunny stay in shape? He does lots of bare-obics.
  • How does the captain know the aircraft is safely at the ramp? Both the engines and the co-pilot stop whining.
  • How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
  • How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
  • How does the pig farmer get to the fair? He rides piggyback.
  • How does the vicar explore the Internet? With the church mouse.
  • How easy is it for wind gusts to talk to each other? -It is a breeze
  • How far can a rabbit run into the woods? Halfway. After that she's running out of the woods.
  • How far do burgers go in school? Through cowlege (then they get their 450 degrees! ).
  • How is a bell obedient? It sounds off only when it is told (tolled).
  • How is a hailstone like an onion? -They are both whitish and have layers
  • How is a judge like an English teacher? They both hand out long sentences.
  • How is a man like the weather? ..... Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
  • How is a rabbit like a plum? They're both purple, except for the rabbit.
  • How is a telephone like a dirty bathtub? They both have rings!
  • How is a woman like a condom? Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
  • How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk.
  • How is cat food sold? Usually purr can!
  • How is it possible to have a civil war?
  • How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?
  • How is snow white? -Pretty good, according to the 7 dwarfs
  • How is the Easter Bunny like Shaquille O'Neal? They're both famous for stuffing baskets!
  • How long do I have to be a grad student before I can petition for tenure?
  • How long do chickens work? Around the cluck!
  • How long does it take to burn a candle down? About a wick!
  • How long will a floating point operation float?
  • How many Borderline P. D. does to take to change a lightbulb? Just one. To threaten suicide if you don't change it for him/her.
  • How many Buckeye football players does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But he gets three hours credit.
  • How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb? ... None. The invisible hand does it.
  • How many Dependent P. D. does to take to change a lightbulb? None, he's still clinging to the old lightbulb.
  • How many Java programmers does it take to change a light bulb? One, to generate a ChangeLightBulb event to the socket.
  • How many LA cops does it take to change light bulb? Six. One to do it and five to smash the old bulb to splinters.
  • How many Man U. fans does it take to change a lightbulb? One to change the lightbulb, and one to drive down to Kent to pick him/her up.
  • How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? ... None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the lightbulb itself.
  • How many McDonald's counter girls does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it and one to put some chips with it.
  • How many Obsessive-Compulsive P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb? Just one. But he has to check it 100 times, one for each watt.
  • How many Russians does it take to screw in a light bulb? - That is a military secret. If I told you I'd have to kill you.
  • How many Serbs does in take to change a Lighbulb? It doesn't matter. . Theres a Blackout!
  • How many South Dakotans does it take to go ice fishing? Four. One to cut the hole in the ice, and three to push the boat through.
  • How many aardvarks can ride on an elephant? Six. . . three on the back and three in the trunk!
  • How many ants are needed to fill an apartment? Ten ants!
  • How many applicants does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but 200 applied for the job.
  • How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to change it while the other two argue about how old the old one is.
  • How many auditors does it take to change a light bulb? How many did it take last year?
  • How many bees do you need in a bee choir? A humdred!
  • How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
  • How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? Third as many as for a regular bulb.
  • How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a light bulb? Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and I've just cashed up.
  • How many cashiers does it take to change a light bulb? Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill.
  • How many chimney does Father Christmas go down? Stacks!
  • How many chocolate bunnies can you put into an empty Easter basket? One. After that the basket won't be empty.
  • How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb? Twelve. One to change the bulb, and eleven to do the paperwork.
  • How many cops does it take to throw a man down the stairs? None. He fell.
  • How many cost accountants does it take to change a light bulb? Hmmm. . . . . . . . I'll just do a few numbers and get back to you
  • How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
  • How many editors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but first he has to rewire the entire building.
  • How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it takes eight million years.
  • How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb? Four - three to cut a hole in the roof and one to change the bulb.
  • How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb? One, but you should have seen the bulb, it must have been THIS big.
  • How many hairs are in a dog's tail? None. They are all on the outside.
  • How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.
  • How many journalists does it take to change a light bulb? We just report the facts, we don't change them.
  • How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.
  • How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine? Only one if you run him through slowly!
  • How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? Never enough.
  • How many letters are there in the alphabet? Eleven. T-H-E A-L-P-H-A-B-E-T.
  • How many letters in the Alphabet? 19, cuz ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him.
  • How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb? I don't know, but I can look it up for you.
  • How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? No one knows, it's never happened.
  • How many men does it take to make popcorn? Four, one to hold the pot, and three to act macho and shake the stove.
  • How many men does it take to open a beer? - None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
  • How many men does it take to open a can of beer? .......... None, it should be open when she brings it to him.
  • How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down? Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.
  • How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just have a nursing assistant do it. As much as the doctor orders.
  • How many nurses does it take to screw in a light bulb? None - They just have a nursing assistant do it.
  • How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!
  • How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb? None, it is done by the automatic pilot.
  • How many pinheads can dance on the head of a Hell's Angel?
  • How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb? ... Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
  • How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb? ..... Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
  • How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? How long have you been having this phantasy?
  • How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but he must consult the DSM-IV.
  • How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Why does the light bulb necessarily have to change?
  • How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb? How many do you think it takes?
  • How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits.
  • How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.
  • How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? None. The light bulb will change itself when it's ready.
  • How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum? .... Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.
  • How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
  • How many schoolteachers does it take to change a light bulb? None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework.
  • How many seasons are there in a dogs life? Just one, the moulting season!
  • How many skunks do you need to make a house really smelly? Just a phew!
  • How many students does it take to change a light bulb? None. Light bulb changing isn't in the course notes.
  • How many survivors of nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb? - None. People that glow in the dark don't need lights.
  • How many technical writers does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.
  • How many triage nurses does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the bulb will have to spend four hours in the waiting room.
  • How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb? None, a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye.
  • How many weeks are there in a light year?
  • How may I ignore you today?
  • How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
  • How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
  • How much deeper would the ocean be, if sponges didn't live there?
  • How much fishing tackle can a man accumulate before his wife throws him out? I don't know the answer but I think I'm nearly there.
  • How much for a haircut? Barber: Fifteen dollars. How much for a shave? Barber: Ten dollars. Right - shave my head.
  • How much is 5Q and 5Q? 10Q. You're welcome.
  • How much money did the bronco have? Only a buck!
  • How old is your Grandma? I dunno, but we've had him a long time.
  • How should you send a letter to the Easter Bunny? By hare mail!
  • How should you treat a baby goat? Like a kid.
  • How that we are engaged I hope you'll give me a ring. Of course. What's your phone number?
  • How to Diet Successfully by M. T. Cupboard
  • How to Feed Elephants by P. Nutts
  • How to Get There by Ridya Bike
  • How to cats greet each other at Christmas? A furry merry Christmas & Happy mew year!
  • How to elephants talk to each other? By 'elephone!
  • How to fleas travel? Itch hiking!
  • How to predict weather in Seattle: If you can see Mt Ranier, it's going to rain. If not, it already is.
  • How to you know that cows will be in heaven? It's a place of udder delight.
  • How to you make a dish washer into a snow blower? Give the bitch a shovel
  • How to you tell the difference between an elephant and a mouse? Try picking them up!
  • How was the hamburger murdered? First it was 'rolled, ' then smothered in onions
  • How would you know what happy is if you've never been otherwise.
  • How's my driving?.. Pray!
  • Hug you kids at home and belt them in the car.
  • Hukt on fonix reely wurkt for mee!
  • Human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind.
  • Humpty Dumpty didn't fall...he was pushed.
  • Humpty was pushed!
  • Husband: What do you love most, my natural beauty or my body? Wife: Your sense of humor.
  • Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.
  • I AM in shape. Round is a shape.
  • I Believe In Life Before Death
  • I Believe in Dragons, Good Men, and other Fantasy Creatures.
  • I Brake For Celestial Choirs
  • I Brake For Moloch!
  • I Brake For No Apparent Reason.
  • I Cayman went.
  • I Don't Do Windows.
  • I Give Evolution Two Opposeable Thumbs Up.
  • I Hate Bumperstickers
  • I Have PMS And A Sword--Any Questions?
  • I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha!
  • I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.
  • I LIKE CATS! They taste just like chicken.
  • I LOVE CATS. They taste just like chicken.
  • I SAW that -- God
  • I Speak To God And I Know What's Best For You
  • I Swerve to Hit People at Random!
  • I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
  • I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
  • I always wanted to be a procrastinator; never got around to it.
  • I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to be assimi... Oooh! Donuts!
  • I am a mallaholic. Please do not give me directions to the nearest shopping mall!
  • I am a nobody, nobody is perfect... Therefore I am perfect.
  • I am a slow moving disciple of the Swami Procrastinada.
  • I am always doing things I can't do, that's how I get to do them.
  • I am an escapee of a political correction facility.
  • I am desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
  • I am driving this way because I want to PISS YOU OFF!
  • I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
  • I am not a bum. My wife works!
  • I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
  • I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward.
  • I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi
  • I am not riding in this thing until you learn how to drive, it's dangerous.- Ganeshah
  • I am not unemployed, I am a consultant!
  • I am perfectly sane. The little voices in my head told me so!
  • I am suffering from a Sexually Transmitted Disease: Children!
  • I am the bad thing that happens to good people.
  • I am watching the postman wee up against someones tree
  • I believe in God,I choose to call her Mother Nature.
  • I believe in dragons, good men and other mythological creatures
  • I believe in getting in hot water; it keeps you clean.
  • I believe in the big bang theory, God spoke and bang it happened
  • I believe in the teachings of the Bible -- It's a lot easier than actually reading the thing.
  • I believe in unicorns, dragons, good men and other fantasy creatures
  • I believe life is to be lived, not worked, enjoyed, not agonized, loved, not hated.
  • I believe that every right implies a responsibility; every opportunity, an obligation; every possession, a duty.
  • I believe that the true road to preeminent success in any line is to make yourself master of that line.
  • I believe that you tend to create your own blessings. You have to prepare yourself so that when opportunity comes, you're ready.
  • I believe the greater the handicap, the greater the triumph.
  • I brake for animals - I accelerate for small children.
  • I brake for fairys, elves, gnomes, the toothfairy, the easter bunny, santa and other little creatures that only I can see
  • I brake for green lights.
  • I brake for hallucinations.
  • I brake for tailgaters. Hard.
  • I brake for unicorns, fairies and other creatures only I can see!
  • I brake for... wait... AAAH!... NO BRAKES!!!
  • I came, I Saw, I did some shopping.
  • I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
  • I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people.
  • I can handle pain until it hurts.
  • I can hold my own. But I'd rather hold yours!
  • I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.
  • I can remember when fire fighting was dangerous and sex was safe.
  • I can resist anything but temptation.
  • I can tell your parents are close. I'm guessing second cousins.
  • I can walk on water... when it freezes
  • I can't believe that God put us on this earth to be ordinary.
  • I can't find a shark website. . . . That's cos you're dum dum, dum dum, dum dum, dumb. . . . . .
  • I can't find my dollar bill, Jane sobbed. 'Don't worry, ' her Counselor said. 'A dollar doesn't go very far today.
  • I can't go to work today. The voices told me to stay home and clean the guns.
  • I can't seem to find the PM radio stations.
  • I can't understand the critics saying that only an idiot would like that television program. I really enjoyed it.
  • I can't understand why people say my girlfriend's legs look like matchsticks. They do look like sticks - but they certainly don't match.
  • I can't wait for the rapture, then we'll have the world to ourselves.
  • I cant beleive I just paid $45 to see leona lewis, am I ill
  • I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
  • I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self.
  • I decided to get in shape, and the shape I chose was a sphere.
  • I did not escape, I have a day pass!
  • I didn't do it. You can't prove it. Nobody saw me. The sheep are lying!
  • I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
  • I died and went to heaven and all I got was this lousy Halo.
  • I do it with runes!
  • I do listen to your prayers, I'm just not interested in the game -- God
  • I do not have any messianic delusions. At least, that's what God told me
  • I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to!
  • I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
  • I don't believe in astrology-of course, that's very typical of Leos.
  • I don't believe in gnomes - they are liars!
  • I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them!
  • I don't brake.
  • I don't care WHO you are, you're not walking on the water while I'm fishing.
  • I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be.
  • I don't care, I don't have to.
  • I don't come with dices, so dont play me!
  • I don't deserve self esteem
  • I don't discriminate. I hate everyone equally.
  • I don't do drugs anymore. I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.
  • I don't dream at night, I dream all day; I dream for a living.
  • I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
  • I don't give a damn what your other car is!
  • I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
  • I don't know anything Lord, leave me alone.
  • I don't know what it is that makes you stupid but whatever it is, it works.
  • I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
  • I don't know where you got your face from, but i hope you have the receipt.
  • I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
  • I don't mind straight people, as long as they act gay in public
  • I don't need a new religion. I haven't used up the Old one.
  • I don't repeat gossip, so listen closely the first time.
  • I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
  • I don't think these photographs you've taken do me justice. You don't want justice - you want mercy!
  • I don't trust President Clinton (or her husband).
  • I don't want to achieve immortality through my work - I want to achieve it by not dying.
  • I don't want to believe; I want to see! -- Carl Sagan
  • I doubt, therefore I might be.
  • I drink from Cerridwen's Cauldron
  • I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol!
  • I drive like lightning. I hit trees.
  • I drive the speed limit. If you don't like it, call a cop!
  • I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
  • I failed every subject except for algebra. How did you keep from failing that? I didn't take algebra!
  • I fart to make you smell better.
  • I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  • I feel like a new man. Do you have one I could use?
  • I feel so much better since I've given up hope.
  • I fight poverty, I work
  • I finally got it all together, but I forgot where I put it
  • I fish! Therefore, I lie.
  • I forgot my brother's birthday last month. What did he say? Rick: Nothing, yet.
  • I found God in myself, and I loved her, I loved her fiercly.
  • I found Jesus in my trunk...$5 to see him!
  • I found Jesus! He was behind the couch the whole time!
  • I found Jesus! He was hiding behind the couch.
  • I found Jesus. He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana.
  • I found out why those 40 virgins stay virgins. - Mohammed.
  • I gave up drinking, smoking and sex - Worst 15 minutes of my life
  • I gave you a brain. Use it.-- God
  • I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
  • I get plenty of exercise just pushing my luck!
  • I go from zero to bitch in 3.5 seconds.
  • I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
  • I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
  • I got an anonymous letter today. Oh, really - who was it from? !
  • I got kicked outta Scouts for eating a Brownie.
  • I got out of bed for this?
  • I got this motor home for my wife. BEST deal I ever made!
  • I got this truck for my wife / good trade huh!
  • I gotta 'A' in spelling, Tony told his father. You dope! he replied. There isn't any 'A' in 'spelling'!
  • I guess I didn't get my birthday wish. How do you know? You're still here!
  • I had a dream you were a tire last night. I woke up and you were bald.
  • I had a funny dream last night, Mom. Did you? I dreamed I was awake, but when I woke up I found I was asleep.
  • I had a good wife once. Then she went home to her husband.
  • I had no idea when I married Mr. Right that his first name would be "always"
  • I hate coffee. It keeps me awake at work.
  • I hate intolerance.
  • I hate paying my income tax. You should be a good citizen - why don't you pay with a smile? I'd like to but they insist on money
  • I hate plants.. That's why I became a vegetarian!
  • I have PMS and a gun...excuse me, did you have something to say?
  • I have PMS. Therefore I can legally kill you.
  • I have a drink problem - I can't afford it.
  • I have a friend who is a pilot on a 747. I said Hi Jack. He shot me.
  • I have a great diet. You are allowed to eat anything you want. But you must eat it with naked fat people.
  • I have a handgun and it's licensed. Any more questions?
  • I have a nice body, and its in my trunk.
  • I have a problem with drinking-two hands and only one mouth.
  • I have an answering machine in my car. It says: I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
  • I have good Brakes, Do you have GOOD Insurance?
  • I have lived through the sixties, seventies, eighties and nineties. Am I now about to live through the noughties?
  • I have read the Bible--still don't believe it
  • I have seen the evidence. I want DIFFERENT evidence!
  • I have seen the truth, and it makes no sense!
  • I have yet to hear a MAN ask for advice on how to combine marriage and career.
  • I haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister
  • I haven't had my coffee yet, don't make me kill you.
  • I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months! - I don't like to interrupt her.
  • I hear you lost your cat? Check under my tire.
  • I hear you take milk baths. That's right. Why? I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower!
  • I hear you've been tracing your ancestors on the internet. . . Yes - and it's a mammoth task!
  • I heard that the idea for the patent was stolen.
  • I heard you took an IQ test and they said you're results were negative.
  • I inhaled and I vote
  • I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
  • I is a college student.
  • I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
  • I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
  • I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
  • I just sent my first e-mail. Kongratulations!
  • I just spotted a Chihuahua! That wasn't very nice, you shouldn't draw on dogs!
  • I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
  • I know GOD would never give me any more than I can handle -- I just wish He didn't trust me so much!
  • I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.
  • I know milk does a body good, but damn, how much did you drink?
  • I know that you have a thing for me, but why is it so small and deformed?
  • I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
  • I like kids, but I can never finish a whole one.
  • I like noise. I need noise. When it's too quiet, I can hear my brain cells dying.
  • I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
  • I like your approach, let's see your departure
  • I live in my own little world, but it's ok they know me here.
  • I live in my own little world, but that's okay. Everybody knows me here.
  • I looked into a blonde's eyes, but all I saw was the back of her head!
  • I looked up my wife's family tree. Most of her relatives are still climbing around in it.
  • I lost my virginity, but I still have the box it came in.
  • I love animals- they taste great.
  • I love animals. Especially in a good gravy!
  • I love animals. I eat them and wear their skins.
  • I love animals. They taste great!
  • I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
  • I love cats. Want to trade recipes?
  • I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
  • I love defenceless animals, especially in gravy
  • I love kids, but I can't eat a whole one
  • I love my boss, I love my job, I'm self employed
  • I love my country, but I fear my government
  • I love my country, but fear BIG Government.
  • I love my country. It's my government I fear.
  • I love my country. It's the government I'm afraid of.
  • I love my country. It's the government that pisses me off.
  • I love the lines men use to get us into bed. Please, I'll only put it in for a minute. What am I, a microwave?
  • I love you -- God
  • I love you and you and you and you and...-- God
  • I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
  • I married my wife for her looks... But not the ones she's been giving me lately!
  • I may be fat but you're ugly, and I can lose weight.
  • I may be slow but I'm ahead of you!
  • I may look funny, but I'd kick your ass on Jeopardy.
  • I might be driving slowly, but I'm still in front of you.
  • I need a bigger bumper for all the stickers I want
  • I need a little less talk and a lot more action.
  • I need patience. NOW!
  • I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
  • I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
  • I never saw a pessimistic general win a battle.
  • I never saw an American Flag burned at a gun show!
  • I never spit in your drink; why do you smoke in my air?
  • I not only use all the brains I have but all that I can borrow.
  • I offered a blonde a penny for her thoughts. . . . she gave me change!
  • I only LOOK sweet and innocent
  • I owe it all to my boss - Ulcers, nausea, paranoia...
  • I pee in pools!
  • I pledge allegiance to the earth, one planet, many gods, and to the universe in which she spins.
  • I read the bible...thats why im an atheist
  • I read the end of the book. We win
  • I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
  • I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".
  • I respect your opinion. Just don't want to hear it!
  • I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
  • I said for better or for worse, not forever!
  • I said to my boyfriend "you shouldn't eat before you go swimming" He said "why?" I Said "you look fat!"
  • I saw Elvis making crop circles
  • I saw a girl wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
  • I saw a sign that said "seeing eye dogs only" who is supposed to read this? the dog?
  • I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Implants?
  • I say waiter, there's a fly in my soup! Well throw him a doughnut - they make fantastic life belts!
  • I scored points for Death Race 2000.
  • I see so many of my kind who have gone mad for want of something to do.
  • I see you've got your bill for using the InternetYes, and my dad's really going to get the hump!
  • I shit you not, my landlord has watched Flashdance twice in 24hrs .. she's 31!
  • I smile because I have no idea what's going on.
  • I snatch kisses and vice versa.
  • I souport publik edekasion.
  • I spade my dog!
  • I speed for school zones.
  • I spent the whole evening knotsurfing! Don't you mean netsurfing? No, everyone was complaining because I tied the computer up for ages!
  • I started with nothing, and I still have most of it left!
  • I stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
  • I still miss my ex-wife. But my aim is improving.
  • I still miss my wife, but my aim is improving!
  • I suffer from c.r.s. (can't remember shit)
  • I suffer from premature-ejaculation when masturbating!
  • I swerve for cats.
  • I take my son to McDonald's just to watch him eat and see the numbers change.
  • I thank God for my handicaps, for through them, I have found myself, my work and my God.
  • I think I hear burglars, dear. Are you awake? No!
  • I think everyone should experience defeat at least once during their career. You learn a lot from it.
  • I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have experience pain and bought jewelry.
  • I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
  • I think therefore I'm dangerous
  • I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!
  • I think your hard drive has a slipped disk.
  • I think, therefore I'm dangerous.
  • I think, therefore I'm single.
  • I think, therefore we have nothing in common.
  • I thought you were trying to get into shape? I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle.
  • I told you not to let those pigs In my office. Now, look what's happened. They've eaten all the dates off my calendar!
  • I tolerate all religions, except any that are different from mine.
  • I took a philosophy test that asked us to explain Nothingness. I left it blank.
  • I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  • I took my son to the zoo yesterday. Really, did they accept him?
  • I tried self-restraint, once, but I couldn't close the fourth handcuff.
  • I tried sniffing Coke once. The ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
  • I tried to send an e-mail and broke my computer. How do you manage that? I think it was when I tried to push it through the letterbox.
  • I try to make sacrifices, but the goat got away and I couldn't find a virgin anywhere!
  • I used to be a schizophrenic until they cured me, now I'm just lonely.
  • I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
  • I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
  • I used to be religious, then I got saved!
  • I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
  • I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  • I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
  • I used to have schizophrenia, but we're better now.
  • I used to live in the real world. I got evicted.
  • I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
  • I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double. The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me.
  • I want a hair cut please. Certainly, which one!
  • I want a sexy business man with a brain, who's single
  • I want it said of me by those who knew me best, that I always plucked a thistle and planted a flower where I thought a flower would grow.
  • I want my rib back!
  • I want to be Barbie! The bitch has everything!
  • I want to be an astronaut when I grow up. What high hopes you have!
  • I want to become a politician when I grow up so I've made a list of skills I want to aquire, butI've only come up with one: Lying.
  • I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
  • I want to put my sexy picture up ... it wont let me
  • I was abducted by aliens and all I got was this lousy bumper sticker.
  • I was abducted by space aliens and I vote!
  • I was given the ultimatum 3 weeks ago. She said it's me or your fishing. Gee I miss her.
  • I was glad when one fish got away. There just wasn't room in the boat for both of us!
  • I was in the zoo last week. Really? Which cage were you in?
  • I was made to work. If you are equally industrious, you will be equally successful.
  • I was once in a play called Breakfast In Bed. Did you have a big role? No, just toast and marmalade.
  • I was so sorry to hear you buried your mother last week. Well, we had to, you know, she was dead.
  • I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
  • I wasn't created in YOUR image of God
  • I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
  • I went into MacDonalds yesterday and said "I'd like some fries". ... The girl at the counter said "Would you like some fries with that".
  • I went on a long bicycle ride yesterday. Farcical?
  • I went to a restaurant that serves -breakfast at any time. - So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
  • I will finish what I sta
  • I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
  • I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
  • I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?
  • I wonder what happened to that dumb blonde I went out with. I dyed my hair!
  • I wonder why you can always read a doctor's bill and never his prescription?
  • I would rather lose in a cause that I know some day will triumph than to triumph in a cause that I know some day will fail.
  • I would rather lose in a cause that will some day win, than win in a cause that will some day lose!
  • I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
  • I wouldn't say Christmas gnomes are small. But they used to be lumberjacks on a mushroom farm!
  • I wouldn't say Christmas gnomes are ugly, But if beauty's skin deep then they were was born inside out!
  • I wouldn't say that Christmas gnomes are cross-eyed, but when they cry the tears run down their back!
  • I'd be a presbeberian if I could spell it.
  • I'd give my right hand to be ambidextrous.
  • I'd give up chocolate, but I'm no quitter
  • I'd kick your ass but this is my best dress.
  • I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.
  • I'd like a new frog, please. But you bought one only yesterday. What happened? It Kermit-ted suicide.
  • I'd like to buy a bed, please. Certainly, madam. Spring mattress? Oh, no! I want to be able to use it all year.
  • I'd like to say something nice about you as it's your birthday. Why don't you? Because I can't think of a single thing to say!
  • I'd rather be a failure in something that I love than a success in something that I hate.
  • I'd rather be driving a golf ball
  • I'd rather be fishing
  • I'd rather be hunting
  • I'd rather be playing golf
  • I'd rather be skiing
  • I'd say he was spineless. Yes, about as spineless as cooked spaghetti.
  • I'd tell you to go to Hell, but I work there and I don't want to have to see you everyday
  • I'll believe in reincarnation in my next life. Oh! Wait a sec... I'm born again!
  • I'll die for my own sins, thank you.
  • I'll do anything for money, except work.
  • I'll do it tomorrow, I've made enough mistakes today
  • I'll go to YOUR hell if you go to mine ;}
  • I'll hug your elephant if you'll kiss my ass.
  • I'm A Citizen, Not A Suspect
  • I'm Absolutely Certain by R. U. Sure
  • I'm Pagan & I vote!
  • I'm Pro Choice and I Vote!
  • I'm Too Poor to Vote Republican
  • I'm a Frisbeeterian - When I die, my soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there
  • I'm a Woman, not a Womb!
  • I'm a bomb technician, if you see me running, try to keep up.
  • I'm a drunk, not an alcoholic. Alcoholics have to go to meetings.
  • I'm a fool for Christ-- Who's fool are you?
  • I'm a giant midget.
  • I'm a handy man, I'll screw anything.
  • I'm a nice guy. My car is evil.
  • I'm a right-wing, Republican, conservative Christian who thinks the spotted owl tastes like chicken.
  • I'm always delighted when people stick their noses in my business - my company makes paper tissues.
  • I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
  • I'm an imbecile and I vote!
  • I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!
  • I'm back by popular demand.
  • I'm disturbed. I'm depressed. I'm inadequate. I've got it all!
  • I'm doing my part to piss off the Religious Reich
  • I'm from Texas. What country are you from?
  • I'm glad when I'm SKYCLAD
  • I'm going nuck'in futz.
  • I'm going to Hell in a bucket. At least I'm enjoying the ride.
  • I'm helping my Church grow.
  • I'm immortal, so far.
  • I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to work.
  • I'm in shape ... round's a shape isn't it?
  • I'm in shape. Round is a shape, isn't it?
  • I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
  • I'm learning ancient history? So am I, lets go for a walk and talk over old times!
  • I'm looking for the right pedestrian to run over.
  • I'm looking for true love. But I'll settle for cheap sex.
  • I'm not a bitch, I'm the bitch.
  • I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
  • I'm not a schizophrenic. And neither am I.
  • I'm not a slut! I'm popular.
  • I'm not always right, but I'm never wrong!
  • I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.
  • I'm not as think as you confused I am.
  • I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
  • I'm not as think as you stoned I am.
  • I'm not bald. It's a solar panel for a sex machine.
  • I'm not born again, my mother got it right the first time.
  • I'm not completely worthless. I can be used as a bad example.
  • I'm not deaf. I'm just ignoring you.
  • I'm not driving fast - Just flying low.
  • I'm not going back to school ever againWhy ever not? The teacher doesn't know a thing, all she does is ask questions!
  • I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
  • I'm not littering, I'm donating to the Earth!
  • I'm not losing hair, I'm getting head.
  • I'm not lost-I'm born again!
  • I'm not lost-Just getting my directions from the Bible!
  • I'm not nearly as think as you confused I am!
  • I'm not opinionated, I'm just always right.
  • I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?
  • I'm not playing with myself, I'm just adjusting my jewellery.
  • I'm not saying my boyfriend is thick, but yesterday when we had a gas leak he put a bucket under it
  • I'm not shy, I am just examining my prey.
  • I'm not speeding, I'm qualifying.
  • I'm not speeding. I'm just qualifying.
  • I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm enjoying every minute of it!
  • I'm not tailgating, I'm drafting!
  • I'm not ugly. I could marry anyone I pleased! But that's the problem - you don't please anyone.
  • I'm objective; I object to everything.
  • I'm on the road constantly, where the hell is Easy Street?
  • I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people!
  • I'm only driving this because aliens ate my Volvo
  • I'm out of bed and dressed - what more do you want?
  • I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?
  • I'm out of estrogen and I've got a gun.
  • I'm pretty sure God prefers spiritual fruits to religious nuts.
  • I'm shy, but I have a big dick!
  • I'm so optimistic I'd go after Moby Dick in a row boat and take the tartar sauce with me.
  • I'm storing up my treasure in heaven - just look at my car
  • I'm suffering from bad breath You should do something about it! I did. I just sent my wife to the dentist.
  • I'm sweating like a pedophile in a playground.
  • I'm talking to myself - please don't eavesdrop!
  • I'm the Christian satan is worried about!
  • I'm the Christian the devil warned you about
  • I'm the man of this house and I have my wife's permission to say so.
  • I'm the one Jesus warned you about. -- Muhammad.
  • I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
  • I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I just can't get my head that far up my ass.
  • I've Been Bitten! by A. Flea
  • I've Got Nothing Against God... It's His Fan Club I Can't Stand
  • I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.
  • I've been e-mailing William Shakespeare. William Shakespeare's dead, silly. No wonder he hasn't replied.
  • I've been invited to an avoidance. An avoidance? What's that? It's a dance for people who hate each other.
  • I've been on my computer all night! Don't you think you'd be more comfortable on a bed like everyone else?
  • I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards.
  • I've found Jesus! He was behind the couch the whole time.
  • I've given up bowling for sex because you don't have to take your shoes off and the balls are lighter.
  • I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway.
  • I've got trouble with the wife again - she came into the bar looking for me and I asked for her number.
  • I've just come back from the beauty parlour. Pity it was closed!
  • I've just discovered a method for making wool out of milk! But doesn't that make the cow feel a little sheepish?
  • I've lost my dog! Have you tried putting a message on the Internet? Don't be silly, my dog never reads e-mails!
  • I've lost my virginity but I've still got the box it came in.
  • I've never been poor, only broke. Being poor is a frame of mind. Being broke is only a temporary situation.
  • I've run out of sick days, so I am calling in dead.
  • I've seen her wrestle, now I'm gonna see her box.
  • I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
  • IRS Hymn -- "All to Thee"
  • IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
  • IT'S A GIRL! (Nativity Scene)
  • Ideals are replaced by conventional goals at a certain age
  • If - H 2 O - is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside? K 9 P
  • If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
  • If A equal success, then the formula is A equals X plus Y and Z, with X being work, Y play, and Z keeping your mouth shut.
  • If Atlas supported the world on his shoulders, who supported Atlas? His wife!
  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  • If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a Windows box crashed. . . Oh, wait a minute, he already does.
  • If Bush were captain of the Titantic, he'd say we were stopping for ice.
  • If CON is the opposite of PRO, is congress the opposite of progress?
  • If Christ is the answer, what was the question?
  • If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question.
  • If Darwin is right, you'll be a monkey's uncle!
  • If Democrats and Republicans could read they would be Libertarians.
  • If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
  • If FedEx and Ups merged, would they call it Fed UP?
  • If George Raft's wife gave birth to twin Gorillas, would they be the Apes of Raft?
  • If God Created Man in his own picture, I really think, I prefer Satan
  • If God always was and always will be, why weren't we born 100 years ago?
  • If God be for us who can be against us
  • If God didn't want people to have sex, They wouldn't have made it so much fun.
  • If God doesn't like something about me, let him tell me, not you.
  • If God dropped acid, would he see people?
  • If God had not meant us to write on walls, he would never have given us an example.
  • If God intended man to smoke, He would have set him on fire.
  • If God is all-powerful, then why doesn't the alphabet begin with the letter 'G'?
  • If God is your Copilot - swap seats!
  • If God is your piolt why are you driving?
  • If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way.
  • If I could get a firm grip on reality, I'd choke it!
  • If I ever want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
  • If I feel depressed, I go to work. Work is always an antidote to depression.
  • If I get you advantage, can I take drunk of you?
  • If I had but one life to give for my country, it would be a lawyer's.
  • If I wanted a bitch.....I would have bought a DOG!!!
  • If I would like to hear from an asshole, I'd fart!
  • If Jesus had grown up to be an agent, instead of walking on water would he have walked on people?
  • If Jesus restored the power of speech to a parrot, would it still be considered a miracle?
  • If Jesus where here today, there is one thing he wouldn't be: A Christian -- Mark Twain
  • If Jimmy cracks corn but nobody cares, why does he still do it?
  • If Joe was such a hot-shot carpenter, why couldn't he whip up a groovy little cradle for Baby J.?
  • If King Kong came to England why would he live in the Tower of London? Because he's a beef-eater.
  • If King Kong went to Hong Kong to play ping pong and died. What would they put on his coffin? A lid!
  • If King Kong went to Hong Kong to play ping-gong and died, what would they put on his coffin? A lid.
  • If Microsoft built cars you would need to restart your car, then it would perform illegal operations and crash.
  • If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called? A subordinate claus.
  • If Sex is like Chocolate, let gets drunk and make Cocoa!
  • If You Are Against Abortion Get A Vasectomy.
  • If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over.
  • If You Don't Like How I Drive, Kiss My Nether Regions
  • If You're Born Again Do You Have 2 Belly Buttons?
  • If You're Not Outraged, You're Not Paying Attention
  • If a band plays music in a thunderstorm, who is most likely to get hit by lightning? The conductor.
  • If a beagle can't play a bugle in the marching band, what's his other favorite instrument to play? A trombone.
  • If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
  • If a brown cow eats green grass why is it's milk white?
  • If a cat won an Oscar, what would he get? An a-cat-emy award.
  • If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
  • If a cowboy rides into town on Friday and three days later leaves on Friday, how does he do it? The horse's name is Friday!
  • If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make? Slippers!
  • If a farmer raises wheat in dry weather, what does he raise in wet weather? An umbrella.
  • If a flea and a fly pass each other what time is it? Fly past flea.
  • If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk?
  • If a four-legged animal is a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, What's a tiger? A stri-ped!
  • If a giraffe had a sore throat, how many lozenges would it need to make it better?
  • If a hungry shark is after you, what should you feed it? Jawbreakers!
  • If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
  • If a man is talking in the woods, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
  • If a man says something in the middle of a forest, and there is no womenaround to hear him, is he still wrong?
  • If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
  • If a man was born in England, raised in America and died in Spain, what does that make him? Dead.
  • If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he lucky?
  • If a man with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, would it be considered a hostage situation?
  • If a man's best friend is his dog, don't give him your phone number!
  • If a man's home is his castle, he can learn to clean it!
  • If a motorcyclist runs into a woman, who is to blame? ... The motorcyclist is. He shouldn't have been riding in the kitchen!
  • If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
  • If a person told you they were a pathological liar, should you believe them?
  • If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
  • If a relationship, or a person does not bring you peace...thats all you need to get out.
  • If a team is to reach its potential, each player must be willing to subordinate his personal goals to the good of the team.
  • If a turtle does not have a shell on, is he homeless or naked?
  • If a vegetarian is someone who eats vegetables, what does that make a humanitarian?
  • If a window of opportunity appears, don't pull down the shade.
  • If a woman is born in Italy, grows up in England, goes to America and dies in Baltimore, what is she? Dead.
  • If a woman wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.
  • If a word in a dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
  • If all else fails .. lower your standards
  • If all the nations in the world are in the debt, where did all the money go?
  • If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
  • If all the world's a stage, I want better lighting!
  • If an accountant's wife cannot sleep, what does she say? Darling, could you tell me about your work.
  • If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take for a lawyer?
  • If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
  • If an athlete gets athlete's foot, what does an astronaut get? Missile toe.
  • If any man seeks for greatness, let him forget greatness and ask for truth, and he will find both.
  • If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport
  • If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
  • If at first you don't succeed, aim lower.
  • If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.
  • If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • If at first you don't succeed, redefine success
  • If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you
  • If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you
  • If at first you don't succeed, think how many people you've made happy.
  • If athletes get athlete's foot, then what do astronauts get? Missile toe.
  • If beef comes from a cow and ham from a pig, why do they put beef in hamburgers?
  • If breaks are meant to be slow... then why do they call it "breakfast"?
  • If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
  • If corn oil comes from corn....where does baby oil come from?
  • If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
  • If crime fighters fight crime, and fire fighters fight fire, then what do freedom fighters fight?
  • If doors have a website shouldn't windows have one too? We'd better, or it will be curtains for us.
  • If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane!
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  • If fire fighters fight fire and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?
  • If first you don't succeed, suck and suck until you do succeed.
  • If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
  • If god created man in his image. Then whats wrong with you?
  • If guns are outlawed, can I still use my sword?
  • If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
  • If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will accidentally shoot their children.
  • If guns cause crime, matches cause arson!
  • If helium existed in a solid form, and you ate it would you get heavier or lighter?
  • If ignorance is bliss, Washington must be paradise!
  • If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
  • If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
  • If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
  • If it has boobs or wheels it will give you a problem.
  • If it has tires or testicles, it's going to be trouble.
  • If it has wheels or a skirt, you can't afford it.
  • If it is tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
  • If it isn't broken, fix it until it is.
  • If it isn't fattening, it isn't food!
  • If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
  • If it wasn't for plumbers, you'd have no place to go.
  • If it weren't for electricity we would all be watching television by candlelight.
  • If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.
  • If it's not one thing, it's your mother.
  • If it's too loud, you're too old.
  • If it's tourist season then why can't we shoot them?
  • If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

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