Funny Quotes - Page 1

  • 0 to bitch in 3.6 seconds.
  • 10,000 Roman Lions can't be wrong... Christians just taste better!
  • 100,000 Lemmings can't be wrong!
  • 100,000 sperm and You were the fastest?
  • 1st Cannibal: I don't know what to make of my boyfriend these days. 2nd Cannibal: How about a hotpot?
  • 1st Roman Soldier: What is the time? 2nd Roman Soldier: XX past VII!
  • 1st vampire: How things? 2nd vampire: Terrible! Today I received a letter saying I'm overdrawn by 50 pints at the blood bank.
  • 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
  • 24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
  • 3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
  • 43% of all statistics are useless.
  • 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
  • 500,000 battered women and I'm still eating mine plain!
  • 51% Angel, 49% Bitch. Don't push it!
  • 51% angel, 49% bitch and 10% mathematician!
  • 640K ought to be enough for anybody.- Bill Gates
  • 667 Neighbour of the Beast.
  • 90% of people are made by accident.
  • A Call for Assistance by Linda Hand
  • A Load of Old Rubbish by Stefan Nonsense
  • A No uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a Yes merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
  • A Skeleton walks into a bar, asks for a beer. . . and a mop.
  • A Toledo man was admitted to the city hospital last night with severe burns after dunking for French fries at a Halloween party.
  • A Woman's Place is in the House... and Senate!
  • A baby's life begins at conception, yours ends when you knock up my daughter.
  • A bad day of fishing beats a good day of working.
  • A bad day of golf beats a good day of working.
  • A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
  • A big man is one who makes us feel bigger when we are with him.
  • A black hole will see you through Monday.
  • A bloke walks into a pub, and asks for a pint of Adenosinetriphosphate. The barman says That'll be 80p [ATP]!
  • A blonde once shot an arrow into the air. . . but missed!
  • A blonde opened a hair salon next to a graveyard and named it 'Curl Up and Dye. '
  • A blonde tried to blow up her husband's car, but burned her lips on the tailpipe.
  • A blonde walks down the street and sees a banana peel a hundred yards ahead, and she sighs. Here we go again.
  • A blonde was swimming. She swam deeper and deeper until she drowned. Her husband came home and found her dead in the bathtub.
  • A bodily disease which we look upon as whole and entire within itself, may, after all, be a symptom of some ailment in the spiritual part.
  • A boss is like a diaper. Always on your ass and constantly full of crap.
  • A bumble bee was chasing a rabbit. Finally the bee turned around and flew away. Why? The rabbit had two b's already.
  • A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a Train stops On my desk, I have a work station..
  • A cannibal's dillema: If God didn't want us to eat people, why did he make them out of meat?
  • A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a hammer.
  • A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
  • A chill in the air, a cat on the lap, a mug of chocolate, and a good book. Ah, Paradise!
  • A closed mind doesn't need drugs. It's already wasted
  • A closed mind is a wonderful thing to lose.
  • A college friend was going to meet a young lady he new. An old flame? I asked. He winked and said, More like an unlit match.
  • A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • A couple of biologists had twins. One they called John and the other control.
  • A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had the volley of the Dills.
  • A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
  • A day without sunshine is like, night.
  • A determined soul will do more with a rusty monkey wrench than a loafer will accomplish with all the tools in a machine shop.
  • A dirty mind is a wonderful thing!
  • A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
  • A fish walks into a bar, the bartender asks, What would you like? the fish says holding his neck, Water.
  • A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
  • A flight attendant is to save your ass, not to kiss it!
  • A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.
  • A football supporter's favourite Christmas song? ' Yule never walk alone'
  • A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.
  • A friend in need is a pain in the ass!
  • A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split thehouse. He got the outside.
  • A gang of witches broke into a blood bank last night and stole a thousand pints of blood. Police are still hunting for the clots.
  • A general calls a colonel:- Do you have a couple of smart majors? - Yes I do. - Send them to me. I need to move my furniture around.
  • A good book contains more real wealth than a good bank.
  • A good day is when the shit hits the fan and I have time to duck.
  • A good girl is Good, but I'm even Better!
  • A good manager is a man who isn't worried about his own career but rather the careers of those who work for him.
  • A good name is seldom regained. When character is gone, all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.
  • A good objective of leadership is to help those who are doing poorly to do well and to help those who are doing well to do even better.
  • A great man will not trample upon a worm, nor sneak to an emperor.
  • A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
  • A group of mountain climbers once heard Father Christmas go past. They must have had sharp ears! They were mountain-ears!
  • A guy goes in to see a psychologist. He says, It seems I can't make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?
  • A habit cannot be tossed out the window; it must be coaxed down the stairs a step at a time.
  • A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes.
  • A hard man is good to find!
  • A hearty laugh gives one a dry cleaning, while a good cry is a wet wash.
  • A hotdog walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender replies, Sorry, we don't serve food here.
  • A hug can't be stolen, won't pollute, one size fits all, do not dilute.
  • A hug combats depression, makes you beam and elevates your self esteem.
  • A hug corrects your circulation without complicated side effects.
  • A hug has no monthly payments and no fees.
  • A hug has no moving parts, no batteries.
  • A hug is inflation proof, non-taxable, in fact it's quite reliable.
  • A hug is, I think, the perfect drug.
  • A hug relieves your tension and your stress, invigorates your happiness.
  • A hug uses little energy, but yields results enormously.
  • A hundred thousand sperm and you were the fastest?
  • A kiss is an upper persuasion for a lower invasion!
  • A large part of virtue consists in good habits.
  • A leader is a dealer in hope.
  • A leader is best when people barely know he exists, when his work is done, his aim fulfilled, they will say: We did it ourselves.
  • A leader takes people where they want to go. A great leader takes people where they don't necessarily want to go, but ought to be.
  • A leader, once convinced that a particular course of action is the right one, must....be undaunted when the going gets tough.
  • A little girl was next in line. My name's Curtain, she said. I hope your first name is not Agnate? No, it's velvet!
  • A little honey is good for your health. Pick me up at 8:00?
  • A little knowledge can go a long way
  • A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
  • A lot of professionals are crackpots
  • A man and his truck: It's a beautiful thing.
  • A man brings his wife a glass of water and two aspirins. She looks surprised and says, I don't have a headache! He says, Aha!
  • A man can't know what it is to be a mother
  • A man is as old as he feels, but never as important.
  • A man is as old as the woman he feels.
  • A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished.
  • A man is not truly drunk until he can't lie on the floor without holding on.
  • A man may fail many times, but he isn't a failure until he begins to blame somebody else.
  • A man may fulfill the object of his existence by asking a question he cannot answer or attempting a task he cannot achieve.
  • A man never stands as tall as when he kneels to help a child.
  • A man once asked Gandhi what he thought of western civilization. Ghandi replied, 'I think it would be a good idea. '
  • A man too busy to take care of his health is like a mechanic too busy to take care of his tools.
  • A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and asks the barman Can I have a drink for me and one for the road?
  • A man who forgets his wife's birthday is certain to get something to remember her by.
  • A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.
  • A man's health can be judged by which he takes two at a time - pills or stairs.
  • A man, as a general rule, owes very little to what he is born with - a man is what he makes himself.
  • A minute's success pays the failure for years.
  • A mother moth was telling her baby moth off saying, If you don't eat all your cotton, you won't get any satin.
  • A nail is driven out by another nail. Habit is overcome by habit.
  • A name means a lot just by itself
  • A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He keep favoring curry.
  • A new law was recently passed in Arkansas. .... When a couple gets a divorce they're still brother and sister.
  • A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
  • A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth. Patient: I have yellow teeth, what do I do? Dentist: Wear a brown tie!
  • A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you flash me.
  • A person is as big as the things that make him angry.
  • A person who won't stand for something will fall for anything.
  • A person's treatment of money is the most decisive test of his character, how they make it and how they spend it.
  • A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
  • A phone call costs less than you think. Soon it'll cost more than you believe.
  • A pig's favorite movie: The Monster That Ate New York.
  • A politician should do two terms - one in office and one in jail
  • A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
  • A positive attitude means all the difference in the world
  • A postcard home: The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
  • A quadruple amputee is waiting at the bus stop. The bus pulls up. Driver says alright John, how you getting on today?
  • A rabbit's favourite Christmas song? 'Lettuce with a gladsome mind'
  • A rapist, a gangster and a murderer are in the same car. . . Who is driving the car? A police officer!
  • A real gentleman wouldn't stare at my stickers.
  • A relationship where two become one results in TWO HALF PEOPLE
  • A relaxed man is not necessarily a better man
  • A reputation once broken may possibly be repaired, but the world will always keep their eyes on the spot where the crack was.
  • A resolute determination is the truest wisdom.
  • A saxophone is like a lawsuit. Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
  • A sense of humour is the difference between ambition and achievement.
  • A sense of timing is the mark of genius
  • A seven day honeymoon makes one weak.
  • A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.
  • A shy failure is nobler than an immodest success.
  • A sincere effort is all you can ask
  • A single event can have infinitely many interpretations
  • A six pack to you is just a six pack... To me its life support!
  • A solid home base builds a sense of self
  • A stallion and a mare where due to get married, but the stallion didn't show up at the church. He got colt feet
  • A strong sense of duty can imprison you
  • A synonym is a word you use if you can't spell the other one.
  • A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.
  • A trooper asks a sergeant:- Is it true that man descended from a monkey? - Yes, troopers possibly were. But not sergeants.
  • A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
  • A wise man sometimes changes his mind, a fool never does.
  • A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.
  • A wise old owl sat on an oak, The more he saw the less he spoke; The less he spoke the more he heard; Why aren't we like that wise old bird?
  • A woman and her truck... It's a great thing.
  • A woman is like a tea bag... you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
  • A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.
  • A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.
  • A woman with a big fat ass should dump him
  • A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
  • A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
  • A world without war; a dream to some, a nightmare to the arms manufacturers.
  • A zealot's stones will break my bones, but gods will never hurt me.
  • A. Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms? Q. They think their picture is being taken.
  • A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for drunks who drive!
  • ATLANTIS RISING!
  • Ability can take you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there.
  • Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.
  • Abolish mornings!
  • Abortion doesn't make you unpregnant, it makes you the mother of a dead child!
  • Abortion is FOREVER -- get the facts first.
  • Abortion: A baby can live without it!
  • Abortion: A woman's right to capitulate to the patriarchal establishment.
  • Absolute submission can be a form of freedom
  • Absolute zero is Cool.
  • Abuse of power comes as no surprise
  • Accept the challenges, so that you may feel the exhilaration of victory.
  • Accepting Jesus is only good for eternity.
  • According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
  • According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
  • Aches and Pains by Arthur Ritis
  • Achievement is largely the product of steadily raising one's levels of aspiration and expectation.
  • Achievement seems to be connected with action.
  • Achievement seems to be connected with action. Successful men and women keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don't quit.
  • Aching Joints by Arthur Itis
  • Action causes more trouble than thought
  • Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action.
  • Actions Speak Louder than Bumperstickers.
  • Adam and Eve were the first people on earth............Did they have belly buttons?
  • Adam was a divorce', First Lilith Then Eve.
  • Adam: How did Mummy know you hadn't had a bath? Eve: I forgot to dirty the towel, wet the soap and flood the bathroom.
  • Adding Up by Juan & Juan
  • Adopting the right attitude can convert a negative stress into a positive one.
  • Advertisement: Dog for sale. Really gentle. Eats anything. Especially fond of children.
  • Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.
  • After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
  • After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
  • Against Abortion? Then Don't Have One.
  • Agnostics can do anything if they have something to not believe in.
  • Ahhhh... good to the last drop!
  • Aim for the top. There is plenty of room there. There are so few at the top it is almost lonely there.
  • Ain't goin' down 'till the sun comes up!
  • Al-Hajj: God's version of Lollapalooza.
  • Alaskans For Global Warming.
  • Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
  • Alienation produces eccentrics or revolutionaries
  • All Aboard! by Abel Seamann
  • All Acts of Love & Pleasure Are My Rituals.
  • All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
  • All I need is some peace and quiet. If I got a piece I'd be quiet!
  • All I want to do is massage your back. TRUST me...
  • All The Arms We Need Are For Hugging.
  • All You Need to Know about Explosives by Dinah Mite
  • All extremists should be shot.
  • All generalizations are false, including this one.
  • All generalizations are false.
  • All men are Animals! But if you can train them, they make good pets.
  • All men are Animals, Some just make better Pets!
  • All men are idiots, and I married their King.
  • All men by nature desire to know.
  • All of the firefighters at my station are quick. They're even fast asleep!
  • All our pigs are learning karate. Oh, I don't believe that No? Well, just watch out for their chops.
  • All progress is based on a universal innate desire on the part of every organization to live beyond its income.
  • All stressed out and no one to choke.
  • All successful employers are stalking people who will do the unusual, people who think.
  • All the other questions... still without an answer...
  • All things are delicately interconnected
  • All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin person.
  • All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
  • All true wisdom is found on my T-shirts.
  • All ya gotta do is just gimme that wink.
  • All you need is One.
  • All you need is a sick mind and a healthy body.
  • Allah Protect Me From Your Followers.
  • Allah gives and forgives, Man gets and forgets.
  • Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much.
  • Alsation: How come you are always so well behaved when you go on a walk with your master? Chihuahua: It's the leash I can do!
  • Alsation: How did you find the fleas? Beagle: I didn't! They found me!
  • Alsation: I'll see you shortly. Chihuahua: Okay, but don't call me Shortly!
  • Alsation: Was your master playing catch with you? Chihuahua: No, I was playing throw with her!
  • Alsation: What is your favorite holiday? Chihuahua: Howloween!
  • Alsation: Why do you like to go on camping trips? Chihuahua: I like to ruff it!
  • Always be loyal to those who are absent, if you want to retain those who are present.
  • Always be sincere. Even when you don't mean it!
  • Always do right - this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
  • Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest.
  • Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more!
  • Always put the important before the merely urgent.
  • Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.
  • Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
  • Always remember: Pillage first, THEN burn!
  • Always yield to temptation. It may never pass your way again.
  • Am I supposed to be impressed?
  • Amateur Rocket Scientist: My other vehicle is in orbit.
  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
  • Ambition is just as dangerous as complacency
  • Ambivalence can ruin your life
  • America needs a Faith Lift!
  • America! Love it or leave it.
  • America's oldest lady was 115 years old today, and she hasn't got a grey hair on her head. How come? She's completely bald.
  • American by birth, Irish by blood and Celtic by choice.
  • An Irishman saw a notice outside a police station which read: MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY. So he went in and applied for the job!
  • An acre of performance is worth a whole world of promise.
  • An angel in heaven was welcoming a new arrival. How did you get here? he asked. And the new angel replied, Flu. . .
  • An angry dragon may eat you, but an angry woman is truly dangerous.
  • An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor's cute then forget the fruit!
  • An elite is inevitable
  • An erection does not constitute personal growth.
  • An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.
  • An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less.
  • An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.
  • An honest weatherman says, Today's forecast is bright and sunny with an 80% chance that I'm wrong.
  • An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: My little sister ate it!
  • An ideal homework excuseTeacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I left it in my shirt and my mother put it in the washing machine
  • An ideal homework excuseTeacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I loaned it to a friend, but he suddenly moved away
  • An ideal homework excuseTeacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I put it in a safe, but lost the combination!
  • An ideal homework excuseTeacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I was mugged on the way to school and the mugger took everything I had
  • An inventor fails 999 times, and if he succeeds once, he's in. He treats his failures simply as practice shots.
  • Anarchists of the world unite!
  • Anarchy, No rules - OK?
  • And I believe my book is true... I guess we're even.
  • And how did you find your steak sir? Well, quite accidentally. I moved this tomato slice and there it was
  • And on the 8th day, God played golf!
  • And on the 8th day, God sobered up!
  • And on the 8th day, God went fishing!
  • And on the 8th day, God went skiing!
  • And then there was the UCLA professor who opened up his vest, pulled out his tie and wet his pants.
  • And your cry-baby whiny assed opinion would be?
  • And, whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
  • Anger or hate can be a useful motivating force
  • Animal testing is futile! The animals always get nervous and give the wrong answers!
  • Ankh if you love ISIS.
  • Ankh if you love RA.
  • Annoy a liberal. Work hard and smile.
  • Annoy a politician today. THINK!
  • Another Deadline, Another Miracle!
  • Another dopeless hope fiend!
  • Another friend of mine is a very successful businessman. He started with five thousand pounds - now he owes fifty-five million.
  • Answer my prayer -- steal this car.
  • Any God is good, When possitive!
  • Any book worth banning is a book worth reading.
  • Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
  • Anyone know the six most frightening words in the world? ? ? The Dentist will see you now.
  • Anyone who can see through a woman, is missing a lot!
  • Anyone who claims that God is on their side is dangerous as hell.
  • Anyone who goes to see a psychiatrist, ought to have his head examined.
  • Anything not nailed down is a cat toy!
  • Anytime you see a young man open a car door for his girlfriend, either the car is new or the girlfriend is.
  • Apologising Made Simple by Thayer Thorry
  • Apply yourself. Get all the education you can, but then, by God, do something. Don't just stand there, make something happen.
  • Archaeologists are the cowboys of science.
  • Are birth control pills deductible? Only if they don't work.
  • Are hamburgers male? Yes, because they're boygers, not girlgers!
  • Are lightning rods contrary to God's will?
  • Are shellfish warm? No they're clammy!
  • Are unripened oranges called greens?
  • Are you a member of any organized political party? No. I'm a Republican.
  • Are you always an idiot, or just when I'm around?
  • Are you as close to Jesus as you are to my bumper?
  • Are you getting older and wiser? No, he's getting older and wider!
  • Are you going to cum quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
  • Are you going to take a bath? No, I'm leaving it where it is.
  • Are you happy or are you married?
  • Are you in the top half of your class? No, I'm one of the students who make the top half possible!
  • Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?
  • Are you stoned or just stupid?
  • Are you sure this isn't just a live-action roleplaying game?
  • Are you wearing a condom?
  • Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a face-lift.
  • Aren't you glad your mother was Pro-Life?
  • Army Jokes by Major Laugh
  • Arsonists of the world, ignite!
  • Art Teacher: The picture of the horse is good, but where is the wagon? Pupil: The horse will draw it!
  • Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  • Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
  • Artificial desires are despoiling the earth
  • Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.
  • As Above So Below.
  • As a former fetus I oppose abortion.
  • As a matter of fact, I do own the road.
  • As a twig is bent the tree inclines.
  • As horses say to one another. Any friend of yours is a palomino!
  • As knowledge increases, wonder deepens.
  • As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
  • As the judge said to the dentist: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?
  • Ask Me About My Eternal Torment.
  • Ask Me About My Previous Lives.
  • Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
  • Ask me about my vow of silence.
  • Ask me if I care!
  • Ass, Grass or Gas nobody rides for free!
  • Assassination is an extreme form of censorship.
  • Assassins do it from behind!
  • Astronomy Professor: What causes a half-moon? Student: When you can't get your jeans over your thighs.
  • At Exxon, we help Jesus walk on water.
  • At Jesus' tomb, did angels really roll away the stone, or was it Juvenile Delinquents?
  • At last! I finally found the perfect man!
  • At our local restaurant you can eat dirt cheap - but who wants to eat dirt?
  • At the Last Supper, did He order the All-U-Can-Eat-Loaves-'N-Fishes-Buffet? Or would that have been redundant?
  • At the South Pole by Anne Tarctic
  • At the center of non-violence stands the principle of love.
  • At the center of our agency is our freedom to form a healthy attitude toward whatever circumstances we are placed in!
  • At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
  • At times inactivity is preferable to mindless functioning
  • At what time do most people go to the dentist? At tooth-hurty (2:30).
  • At what time of day was Adam born? Just before Eve.
  • At which fast food restaurant is a hamburger happiest? Arthur Treacher's Fish and Chips!
  • Atheism cures Religious terrorism.
  • Atheism is a non-profit organization.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • Atheism is just a religion.
  • Atheism is myth-understood.
  • Atheism- There's no substitute for being right.
  • Atheists are Beyond Belief
  • Athletes love to score!
  • Attitudes are the real disability.
  • Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
  • Avenge Yourself - Be a problem to your children.
  • Avoid life. It'll kill you in the end.
  • Axe me about Ebonics.
  • B.I.B.L.E.- Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.
  • BAST & SEKHMET, The sign of the cat.
  • BE WITCHED.
  • BEER: Helping the ugly get laid since... FOREVER!
  • BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore!
  • BRAISE THE LORD: 450 degrees for 90 minutes. Add Veggies. Season to Taste.
  • Baby in trunk!
  • Baby, I'm your's!
  • Back Off, I'm a Goddess.
  • Back off! I'm not that kind of car.
  • Back off, I just found out that I'm God and I'm pissed.
  • Back off, I'm a Postal worker.
  • Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
  • Back up off my bumper, it's a letal weapon.
  • Bad Cop!! No Donut!
  • Bad timing for an excuse Teacher: Why were you late? Pupil: Sorry, teacher, I overslept. Teacher: It's three in the afternoon!
  • Balance the budget. Declare politicians as game and sell hunting stamps.
  • Ban toilet cleaner. Germs have feelings too.
  • Barber: Were you wearing a red scarf when you came in? Customer: No. Barber: Oh dear! Then I must have cut your throat.
  • Barber: Your hair is getting grey, Sir. Customer: I'm not surprised - hurry up, will you?
  • Barbie SUCKS! (And Ken loves it)
  • Barbie is not a slut: her legs won't open.
  • Be Kind to Animals, Don't Eat Them.
  • Be alert. Your country needs lerts.
  • Be careful never to let a blonde have a coffee break. . . It takes too long to retrain her afterwards!
  • Be creative, invent a perversion!
  • Be fanatics. When it comes to being and doing and dreaming the best, be maniacs.
  • Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.
  • Be nice to me, or I just might develop psychokinetic powers and destroy Tokyo!
  • Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home!
  • Be not afraid of greatness; some are born great, some achieve greatness, and others have greatness thrust upon them.
  • Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.
  • Be prepared. The meek are coming.
  • Be sure that you go straight home after schoolI can't, I live just round the corner!
  • Be thou faithful unto death, and I will give thee a crown of life.
  • Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors ... and miss.
  • Be ye fishers of men: You catch them. He'll clean them.
  • Beam Me Up Scotty! There's No Intelligent Life Down Here.
  • Beam me back Merlin.
  • Bean me up Scotty! They make lousy coffee down here
  • Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon!
  • Beat the evening rush hour, leave work at noon!
  • Beautician: Did that mud pack I gave you for your girlfriend improve her appearance? Man: It did for a while - then it fell off.
  • Beautify Texas! Put a Yankee on a bus.
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
  • Beauty is only a light switch away.
  • Bee Healthy. Eat your Honey!
  • Been There - Shit Happened.
  • Been there done that... smile; God still loves you.
  • Been there. Done that. Can't remember why...
  • Been there. Done that. Went back for more.
  • Beer is proof that god loves us and wants us to be happy.
  • Beer: Teaching white people to dance since 1867.
  • Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.
  • Before... I knew better!
  • Beginning Magic by Beatrix Star
  • Behind every successful woman is herself.
  • Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out.
  • Being happy is more important than anything else
  • Belief is the ignition switch that gets you off the launching pad.
  • Believe in life after death. Mess with my car and you'll find out.
  • Believe that the members of the dental profession are the only men who can tell a women to open or close her mouth and get away with it.
  • Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
  • Big Brother: That planet over there is Mars. Little Brother: Then that other one must be Pa's.
  • Big Ron was caught speeding on his way to the City Ground today. I'll do anything for 3 points, he said when questioned.
  • Big jobs usually go to the men who prove their ability to outgrow small ones.
  • Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
  • Bill Clinton is writing his memoirs. They're called The Johnson Years.
  • Bill: My sister has lovely long red hair all down her back. Will: Pity it's not on her head.
  • Bin Laden hates Rock'n Roll.
  • Bin Laden used Your gass money.
  • Bipartisanship.. I'll hug your elephant if you'll kiss my ass.
  • Birdwatching by Jack Daw
  • Black Holes are where God divided by zero.
  • Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
  • Blessed be the censors, for they shall truly inhibit the earth.
  • Blessed by Jesus - Spoiled by my husband.
  • Blondes arent dumm
  • Blondes have more fun... with Me! Blow your mind. Smoke gunpowder.
  • Body By Nautilus, Brain By Mattel!
  • Boldly going Nowhere!
  • Bomb Texas. They have oil!
  • Book lovers never go to bed alone!
  • Boredom makes you do crazy things
  • Born Again Atheist
  • Born Again Voodooist
  • Born Again. And again, and again, and again ....
  • Born Again? Why don't you just grow up?
  • Born OK the First Time.
  • Born again Pagan.
  • Born free. Taxed to death!
  • Born free: My father's a doctor.
  • Born once, that was plenty.
  • Born right the first time.
  • Born to Shop!
  • Bosses are like diapers. Full of shit and all over your ass!
  • Both of my marriages have been disappointing. My first wife left me and my second one didn't. marr
  • Boy monster: You've got a face like a million dollars! Girl monster: Have I really? Boy monster: Yes - it's green and wrinkly!
  • Boy to Friend: I'm sorry, I won't be able to go out after school. I promised Dad that I would stay in and help him with my homework.
  • Boy: Did you know you can get fur from a three headed mountain monster? Girl: Really? What kind of fur? Boy: As fur away as possible!
  • Boy: Do you have fever? Girl: No, why? Boy: Cause you look hot! ! ! ! !
  • Boy: Grandma, do you know how to croak. Grandma: No, I don't think so. Why? Boy: Because Daddy says he'll be a rich man when you do.
  • Boy: What's black, slimy, with hairy legs and eyes on stalks? Mom: Eat the cookies and don't worry about what's in the tin.
  • Boy: What's the biggest ant in the world? Girl: My AuntBoy: No, it's an elephant. Girl: You obviously haven't met my Aunt
  • Boy: You've got a face like a million dollars. Girl: Have I really? Boy: Yes? it's green and wrinkly.
  • BoyFriend: Why didn't you give me anything for my birthday? GirlFriend: You told me to surprise you.
  • Boycott ignorance. Sleep in this Sunday.
  • Boycott shampoo! Demand the real poo!
  • Boys are like parking spaces the good ones are take-in!!!!
  • Bring on the suuuunshine... whoo hoo now I can dress like a tart and noone will mind.
  • Brother: Did you put the cat out? Sister: Why, is it on fire?
  • Brother: How do you top a car? Sister: Tep on the brake, tupid.
  • Brother: What kind of sharks never eat women? Sister: Man-eating sharks.
  • Buckle up! It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you from your car.
  • Buddha on Board.
  • Budgets help you worry before you spend money, as well as, afterward.
  • Bumper sticker in the year 2100: DISCO STILL SUCKS
  • Bush & Cheney Kiss My Ashcroft !
  • Buy American, while there is still time!
  • By recording your dreams and goals on paper, you set in motion the process of becoming the person you most want to be.
  • By the time I realized my parents were right, I had kids that didn't believe me.
  • C'mon Jesus ain't gay! Judas kissed him!
  • C:Coffee.exe NOT FOUND [A]bort, [R]etry, [B]rew another pot?
  • CATS. The other white meat!
  • CAUTION! - Driver just doesn't give a shit anymore!
  • CAUTION! - Driver legally blonde!
  • CAUTION! - I brake for hookers
  • CAUTION! - I brake for tailgaters
  • CAUTION! - I drive just like you!
  • CAUTION! - Vampire in trunk!
  • COMPASSION? Try it, you'll like it!
  • CUSTOMER: Can you make a pig cooler? WAITER: Sure, spray him with a hose.
  • CUSTOMER: Can you make a pig shake? WAITER: Tell him the wolf is coming.
  • CUSTOMER: How do you make a pig float? WAITER: Just give him an inner tube.
  • Cabtender I'm fitshased call me a bar to take me drunk I'm home.
  • Calamity is the test of integrity.
  • Caller: Finally! I got through! I've been trying to call the zoo for hours! Zookeeper: Yes, all our lions were busy!
  • Caller: Operator! Operator! Call me an ambulance! Operator: Okay. You're an ambulance!
  • Calm is more conductive to creativity than is anxiety
  • Camp Doctor: Your cough sounds better today! Camper: It should, I practised all night!
  • Camper: Is it easy to milk a cow? Farmer: Sure it is. Any jerk can do it.
  • Camper: There's a leak over my bunk! Counselor: Don't complain. It only leaks when it rains.
  • Camper: There's a leak over my bunk! Counselor: Shh! Don't make such a fuss. Soon everyone will want one.
  • Camper: There's a leak over my bunk! Counselor: That's what we said in the camp ads. Running water in every cabin!
  • Camper: There's something wrong with my hot dog. Cook: Don't tell me. I'm not a veterinarian.
  • Campus Crusade for Cthulhu!
  • Can I have a broken drum for Christmas? The best thing you could have asked for. You can't beat it!
  • Can I test drive your vulva?
  • Can a hamburger marry a hot dog? Only if they have a very frank relationship!
  • Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
  • Can bees fly in the rain? Not without their little yellow jackets!
  • Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
  • Can it be a mistake that "desserts" gives "stressed" spelled backwards?
  • Can you kill the Holy Ghost? Or is it too late for that?
  • Can you name two burgers who are royalty? Sir Loin and Burger King!
  • Can you read Chinese? Yes, but only when it's printed in English.
  • Can you read the following? Yy u r yy u b I c u r yy 4 me. Too wise you are, too wise you be, I see you are too wise for me.
  • Can you repeat the part after Listen very carefully?
  • Can you show me how to use the Internet? I'd better - otherwise you'll just go round and round in circles.
  • Can you spell a composition with two letters? SA (essay).
  • Can you spell a pretty girl with two letters? QT (cutey).
  • Can you spell eighty in two letters? A-T.
  • Can you spell jealousy with two letters? NV (envy).
  • Can you spell soft and slow with two letters? EZ.
  • Can you spell very happy with three letters? XTC (ecstasy).
  • Can you think on your own, or do you need the media to think for you?
  • Can't Make It To Church. Just Too Many Human Sacrifices To Perform. Sorry.
  • Can't shake the devil's hand and say you're only kidding.
  • Can't stop now. On my way to hell.
  • Cannibal Boy: I've brought a friend home for dinner. Cannibal Mom: Put him in the fridge and we'll have him tomorrow.
  • Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it!
  • Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities!
  • Carpet Fitting by Walter Wall
  • Casinos Still Give Better Odds than Churches.
  • Caspar: I was the teacher's pet last year. Jaspar: Why was that? Caspar: She couldn't afford a dog.
  • Cat: What did you get him for his birthday? Dog: Pant . . . pant! Cat: Great . . . he needs a pair of pants!
  • Catching Criminals by Hans Upp
  • Categorizing fear is calming
  • Cats are amazing! Cute, furry, friendly, and only 140 calories per serving!
  • Cats are children that you don't have to send to college.
  • Cats are dogs with a college education.
  • Cats don't want to own people. They prefer to lease with an option.
  • Cats humor us because they know that their ancestors ate ours.
  • Cats keep their claws sharp because they know that just a purr may not be enough.
  • Cats make great pets -- out of their owners
  • Cats make more sense than men
  • Cats make more sense than women
  • Caution! Former fetus driving!
  • Caution! Messiah on Board!
  • Caution! Rosemary's Baby On Board!
  • Caution! Trigger-happy Klingon on Tactical!
  • Caution! Will brake for tailgaters.
  • Celebrate Goddess!
  • Celebrate Science & Humanity....Darwin Day!
  • Censorship? We don't have any censorship. If we did, I couldn't say XXXX or XXXX.
  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  • Change is valuable when the oppressed become tyrants
  • Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titantic.
  • Chaos, panic & disorder - my work here is done
  • Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.
  • Character consists of what you do on the third and fourth tries.
  • Character is like a tree and reputation its shadow. The shadow is what we think it is; the tree is the real thing.
  • Character is not made in a crisis it is only exhibited.
  • Character is the result of two things: mental attitude and the way we spend our time.
  • Character may be manifested in the great moments, but it is made in the small ones.
  • Character, in the long run, is the decisive factor in the life of an individual and of nations alike.
  • Character-the willingness to accept responsibility for one's own life-is the source from which self-respect springs.
  • Charlton Heston is MY Moses!
  • Charter Member: International Xenophobe Society.
  • Charter Member: Vast Right Wing Conspiracy.
  • Chaste makes waste.
  • Cheerfulness is the off-shoot of goodness.
  • Cherish your visions and your dreams, as they are the children of your soul; the blueprints of your ultimate achievements.
  • Chicken Little was Right!
  • Chicken to turkey: Only Thanksgiving and Christmas? ? ? You're lucky, with us it's any Sunday.
  • Children Are People Too.
  • Children are the hope of the future
  • Choose to be Chosen -- Choose Judaism!
  • Choosy moms choose life!
  • Christ's table is open to all... Guess who's coming to dinner!
  • Christian Math: 1 + 1 + 1 = 1
  • Christian have more fun... especially later!
  • Christianity has Pagan DNA!
  • Christians: You can't live with them, you can't feed them to the lions anymore .
  • Christians: can't live with them can't feed lions without them.
  • Churches should stay out of politics or be taxed.
  • Circumstances do not make a man, they reveal him.
  • Civil Disobedience - It's not just for revolutionaries anymore!
  • Class structure is as artificial as plastic
  • Clear the road, I am SIXTEEN!
  • Cleverly Disguised as a Responsible Adult.
  • Clinton can't feel my pain, Clinton IS my pain!
  • Clinton doesn't inhale... he SUCKS!
  • Clinton goes around telling people we humans are genetically 99. 9% similar. Apparently the 0. 1% is the character gene.
  • Clones are people two.
  • Closet Extrovert.
  • Clown: Why are you wearing such a large shirt? Second Clown: I always perform in the big top.
  • Club soda, not seals.
  • Coffee, chocolate, men. Some things are just better rich.
  • Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
  • Collection Litter by Phil D Basket
  • College students. We drink more beer before 9:00 a.m. than most people drink all day!
  • Come Rapture the world will be ours once again.
  • Come closer and tell me about it!
  • Come here, you greedy wretch. I'll teach you to eat all your sister's birthday chocs. It's all right Dad, I know how!
  • Come on, Fred, I'll take you to the zoo. If the zoo wants me, let them come and get me!
  • Come out, come out, whatever you are!
  • Come the Rapture - Can I have your Car?
  • Come the rapture, we'll have the earth to ourselves!
  • Come to Florida, and DIE!
  • Coming together is a beginning, staying together is progress, and working together is success.
  • Commit random acts of kindness and create senseless beauty!
  • Common sense is not that common.
  • Common sense isn't very common.
  • Communicating with Cattle by I. Ken Mooue
  • Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.
  • Computer Literacy? You mean my computer is supposed to be able to read?
  • Computer helpline? Everytime I log onto the seven dwarfs website my computer screen goes snow white. . . .
  • Computers are like the Old Testament God. Lots of rules and no mercy.
  • Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
  • Computers are vehicles for the mind. They drive you crazy!
  • Computers aren't intelligent. They just think they are.
  • Computers cut my work in half.... and the boss expects me to put it all back together!
  • Computers help us to do stupid things faster!
  • Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
  • Conductor, do you stop at the Savoy Hotel? I should say not, on my salary!
  • Conductor, this bus was very slow! Oh, I expect we'll pick up speed now you're getting off!
  • Conductor: Again from measure 5, if you please. Voice from viola section: But Maestro, we have no measure numbers.
  • Confidence is contagious. So is lack of confidence.
  • Confucius Say: Baseball is wrong - man with four balls cannot walk.
  • Confucius Say: Don't eat the snow where the huskies go!
  • Confucius Say: Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.
  • Confucius Say: Grease monkey who go to bed without bathing wake up oily in the morning.
  • Confucius Say: He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
  • Confucius Say: It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
  • Confucius Say: Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
  • Confucius Say: Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
  • Confucius Say: Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
  • Confucius Say: Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
  • Confucius Say: Man who jumps off cliff, jumps to conclusion!
  • Confucius Say: Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
  • Confucius Say: Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.
  • Confucius Say: Man who run in front of car get tired.
  • Confucius Say: Man who sit on tack get point!
  • Confucius Say: Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
  • Confucius Say: War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
  • Confucius Say: Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
  • Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  • Conservatives suck
  • Conserve water. Shower with a friend.
  • Consider one of the most perplexing questions of our time: Where do' solutions go when a candidate gets elected?
  • Consider the following: The ark was built by amateurs, the Titanic was built by professionals.
  • Consider the postage stamp; its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing until it gets there.
  • Constipated mathematicians have to work it out with a pencil.
  • Constipated people don't give a crap.
  • Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
  • Contractor's Hymn -- "The Church's One Foundation"
  • Contrary to the old saying that leaders are born not made, the art of leading can be taught and it can be mastered.
  • Contrary to what people say, you can indeed drink to relax. Of course sometimes, you get so calm, you can't move.
  • Control your destiny or someone else will.
  • Conversation between two accountants at a cocktail party:. . . . . . . and ninthly. . .
  • Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
  • Could Jesus change a water closet into a wine cellar?
  • Could Jesus change a water cooler into a wine cooler?
  • Could Jesus change the Whitewater Scandal into the White Wine Scandal?
  • Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?
  • Could you kill a monster just by throwing eggs at him? Of course - he'd be eggs-terminated.
  • Could your eyes be called an academy, because there are pupils there?
  • Counselor: How many times did I tell you to make your bed? Jane: I can't answer. I didn't know I was supposed to keep count!
  • Cover me! I'm changing lanes.
  • Cow: Why don't you shoo those flies? Bull: I'll let them go barefoot!
  • Cowgirls like to ride bareback.
  • Cracker Jacks must be in the license business again.
  • Creativity means believing you have greatness.
  • Crime doesn't pay. . .does that mean that my job is a crime?
  • Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
  • Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
  • Criminal: Why don't you hire these twins for the robbery, boss? Criminal Boss: I'm afraid of a double-cross.
  • Cross-eyed monster: When I grow up I want to be a bus driver. Witch: Well, I won't stand in your way.
  • Cry Baby - by Liza Weeping
  • Cthulhu Saves: so he can eat later.
  • Cthulu: My God ate your God.
  • Curiosity is one of the permanent and certain characteristics of a vigorous intellect.
  • Customer: Couldn't you see I was going bald? Barber: No, the shine from your head blinded me.
  • Customer: Do you have bacon and eggs on the menu:Waiter: No, we clean our menus regularly.
  • Customer: Give me a hot dog. Waiter: With pleasure. Customer: No, with mustard.
  • Customer: Hi, I'm supposed to pack [zip] my database and send it to you. What should I pack it in?
  • Customer: How come the Board of Health hasn't come in and closed you up? Waiter: They're afraid to eat here.
  • Customer: How do I print my voicemail?
  • Customer: How long must I wait for that turtle soup I ordered? Waiter: Well, you know how slow turtles are.
  • Customer: I didn't order this. Waiter: I know, but your meal tastes worse.
  • Customer: I thought the meals here were supposed to be like mother used to make. Waiter: They are. She couldn't cook either.
  • Customer: I'd like a watch that tells time. Clerk: Don't you have a watch that tells time? Customer: No, you have to look at it.
  • Customer: It says I've performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. Have I done something wrong?
  • Customer: That crust on the apple pie was too tough. Waiter: That wasn't the crust, that was the pie plate.
  • Customer: There's something wrong with my hot dogs. Waiter: Sorry, I'm a waiter, not a veterinarian.
  • Customer: This fish isn't as good as what I ordered here last month. Waiter: That's funny. It's from the same fish.
  • Customer: Wait, that password looks really gray. I'm going to type it in again.
  • Customer: Waiter, I can't eat this meal. Waiter: Why not? It looks all right to me. Customer: I don't have a fork.
  • Customer: Waiter, I found a hair in my turtle soup. Waiter: How about that! The turtle and the hare finally got together.
  • Customer: Waiter, look at this chicken! It's nothing but skin and bones. Waiter: Would you like the feathers, too?
  • Customer: Waiter, there's a button in my salad. Waiter: It must have come off while the salad was dressing.
  • Customer: Waiter, this food is repeating on me. Waiter: Good, we love repeat business.
  • Customer: Waiter, this soup tastes funny. Waiter: So laugh, sir.
  • Customer: What is this fly doing in my alphabet soup? Waiter: Probably learning to read.
  • Customer: Why did you take off so much hair? Barber: I didn't, nature beat me to it.
  • Customer: Why does your sign say Fine Dining? Waiter: We can dream, can't we?
  • Customer: Why doesn't my hairline look good? Barber: It's on the same old head.
  • Customer: Why doesn't this restaurant have any specials? Waiter: Because nothing about this food is special.
  • Customer: Why doesn't your menu list prices? Waiter: We didn't want to make you sick before the food does.
  • Customer: Why don't you eat here, waiter? Waiter: Serving it is bad enough, I don't want to compound the felony.
  • Customer: Why don't you have doggie bags? Waiter: That would be cruelty to animals.
  • Customer: Why is my hairline receding? Barber: It's not. Your scalp is advancing.
  • Customer: Why is this sandwich half eaten? Waiter: I didn't have time to finish it.
  • Customer: You said these pants were pure wool, but the label says all cotton. Salesman: Oh, that's just to keep the moths away.
  • Cute and definitely huggable...YES, me!
  • Cute and definitely huggable...YES, you!
  • Cuz when the night falls, you make me forget.
  • Cynics are people who know the price of everything, but the value of nothing.
  • DAMM: Drunks against Mad Mothers.
  • DIVORCE: The screwing you get for the screwing you got.
  • Dad, I spotted a Dalmatian! No need to, it already has its own spots!
  • Dad, can you write in the dark? I think so. What is it you want me to write? Your name on this report card.
  • Dad, did you manage to fix my toy? No, it's not broken, the battery's flat. Well, what shape should it be?
  • Dad, do you believe in Buddha? Why, of course, but I think margarine is just as good.
  • Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
  • Dad, why do you write so slow? asked Dennis. I have to, replied his father. I'm a slow reader.
  • Dad: Why is your January report card so bad? Son: Well, you know how it is. Things are always marked down after Christmas!
  • Daddy Farted, and we Can't get out!!
  • Daddy drinks because you cry.
  • Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
  • Dain bramaged!
  • Dan: My little brother is a real pain. Nan: Things could be worse. Dan: How? Nan: He could be twins!
  • Dancers do it on the floor.
  • Dancers do it to music.
  • Dancers do it with rhythm.
  • Dancing at the Party by Hans Neesanboompsadaisy
  • Dare To Think For Yourself.
  • Dare to Legalize Drugs.
  • Darwin Loves You.
  • Darwin and the Dead KNOW better NOW.
  • Daughter: I will never learn to spell. Mother: Why? Daughter: The teacher keeps changing the words.
  • Dead men tell no tales... unless you're in forensics.
  • Dead people are cool.
  • Death Before Dishonor. Nothing Before Coffee!
  • Death is a challenge. It tells us not to waste time . . . It tells us to tell each other right now that we love each other.
  • Death is hereditary.
  • Debt is a willing servant but a cruel master.
  • Decency is a relative thing
  • Decide what you want, decide what you are willing to exchange for it. Establish your priorities and go to work.
  • Decision and determination are the engineer and fireman of our train to opportunity and success.
  • Defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure.
  • Defeat is simply a signal to press onward.
  • Defeat never comes to any man until he admits it.
  • Defecation eventuates.
  • Define your business goals clearly so that others can see them as you do.
  • Definition of Divorce: The future tense of marriage.
  • Definition of a prostitute: Receiver of swollen goods.
  • Definition of happiness: The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
  • Definition: Politics Poli (Poly): Many. . . . Tic(k)s: Blood sucking creatures
  • Democracy is based upon the conviction that there are extraordinary possibilities in ordinary people.
  • Democrat men like to watch football while the women fix holiday meals. On this, Republicans are in full agreement.
  • Democrats do much of their shopping at Target and Wal-Mart. So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.
  • Democrats get back at the Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes. Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.
  • Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve. Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning.
  • Democrats wear wide red ties and green sports jackets during the festive season. Republicans do too, all year round.
  • Denial is not a river in egypt!
  • Dentist to parsimonious patient No, we give no discount for empty spaces when cleaning and polishing teeth Mrs. Borde!
  • Dentist's Hymn -- "Crown Him with Many Crowns"
  • Dentist: Don't worry. I'm painless. Patient: I'm not.
  • Dentist: There goes the only woman I ever loved. Assistant: Why don't you marry her? Dentist: I can't afford to. She's my best patient.
  • Dentist: You don't need to open your mouth any wider. When I pull your tooth I expect to stand outside.
  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  • Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
  • Despite the cost of living, it's still popular.
  • Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.
  • Detective: Do you think I should put on the cuffs? Criminal: Why? You look good in short sleeves.
  • Detective: How did you get into counterfeiting? Criminal: I answered an ad that said, Make money at home.
  • Detective: Why did you dump those vegetables on my desk? Criminal: You said it was time to spill the beans.
  • Determination is the wake-up call to the human will.
  • Develop the winning edge; small differences in your performance can lead to large differences in your results.
  • Deviants are sacrificed to increase group solidarity
  • Diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  • Diahoerea is a heredatory ilness, it runs in the family.
  • Diapers are Disposable... BABIES ARE NOT! Stop abortion!
  • Diarrhoea is inherited. It runs in your jeans!
  • Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons?
  • Did Job ever collect unemployment?
  • Did Joseph get upset when the Boy Jesus gave away his coin collection?
  • Did Noah include termites on the ark?
  • Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
  • Did the bionic monster have a brother? No, but he had lots of trans-sisters!
  • Did the lawn today virtually nude. God I am so radical and wacky.
  • Did they play tennis in ancient Egypt? Yes, the bible tells how Joseph served in Pharoah's court!
  • Did u know that a condom had a serial number? No, I never had to unroll one that far.
  • Did you check if your horn works?
  • Did you ever blow bubbles as as child? Yeh, well he's back in town and wants your new number.
  • Did you ever see a country boy in New York whistle for a cab? He puts two fingers in his mouth and hollers, Taxi!
  • Did you find my horse well behaved? Indeed, whenever we came to a fence he let me over first!
  • Did you forget God? Or was I supposed to pick him up!
  • Did you hear about Dracula's Christmas party? It was a scream!
  • Did you hear about Mike Tyson's horse? It got angry and bit at the champ!
  • Did you hear about that guy who was asked to be a Jehovah's witness? - He refused becuase he hadn't seen the accident.
  • Did you hear about the Baton Rouge bride who cancelled the wedding when she heard her friends were planning to give her a shower?
  • Did you hear about the Brooklyn bubblebrain who was two hours late for work because the escalator got stuck?
  • Did you hear about the Finn who spent a fortune building a storm cellar in case there was an earthquake.
  • Did you hear about the Georgia accountant who absconded with all the accounts payable?
  • Did you hear about the Iranian terrorist who switched off the fans of his stolen helicopter because he couldn't stand the draft?
  • Did you hear about the Irish monster who went to night school to learn to read in the dark?
  • Did you hear about the Irishman who tried to swim the English channel? Halfway across he decided he couldn't make it so he swam back.
  • Did you hear about the Louisiana Tech professor who stood in front of a mirror for two hours, wondering where he'd seen himself before?
  • Did you hear about the Mexican bricklayer who went crazy trying to lay a cornerstone in a roundhouse.
  • Did you hear about the Montana moron who went looking for a gas leak with a safety match?
  • Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Alabama State Lottery? 3 dollars a year for a million years.
  • Did you hear about the Puerto Rican secretary who was getting so experienced she could type twenty mistakes a minute?
  • Did you hear about the TV show with FBI agents and witches? It's called The Hex-Files.
  • Did you hear about the Texan who moved to Oklahoma and raised the IQ level of both states?
  • Did you hear about the UCLA track star who won a gold medal? He was so proud of it that he had it bronzed.
  • Did you hear about the University of Miami fullback who stayed up all night studying for his urine test?
  • Did you hear about the Western Kentucky professor who kissed the door goodbye and slammed his wife as he went by?
  • Did you hear about the argumentative skunk? He always liked to make a stink!
  • Did you hear about the aristocratic horse? He was the last of his race!
  • Did you hear about the auto mechanic who went to a psychiatrist and insisted on laying under the couch?
  • Did you hear about the blind porcupine? He fell in love with a pincushion!
  • Did you hear about the blonde tap dancer? She fell in the sink!
  • Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her.
  • Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?
  • Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
  • Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the Vacant sign up?
  • Did you hear about the blonde who missed the 44 bus? She took the 22 twice instead.
  • Did you hear about the blonde who put Sagittarius at the bottom of application forms where it said Sign Here.
  • Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
  • Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
  • Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
  • Did you hear about the blonde who was a really good cook? She could get pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece!
  • Did you hear about the blonde who was an M. D. --Mentally Deficient?
  • Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
  • Did you hear about the blonde with tire marks on her back? She crawled across the street when the sign said DON'T WALK.
  • Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
  • Did you hear about the boy who wanted to run away to the circus? He ended up in a flea circus!
  • Did you hear about the boy who was known as Fog? He was dense and wet!
  • Did you hear about the boy who was told to do 100 lines? He drew 100 cats on the paper. He thought the teacher had said lions.
  • Did you hear about the burglar who fell in the cement mixer? Now he's a hardened criminal.
  • Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered!
  • Did you hear about the cannibal family who were caught spying by the witch-doctor? They were given a right roasting.
  • Did you hear about the cannibal spider that ate his uncle's wife? He was an aunteater.
  • Did you hear about the cannibal who commited suicide? He got himself into a real stew.
  • Did you hear about the cannibal who joined the police force? He said he wanted to grill his suspects.
  • Did you hear about the cannibal who went vegetarian? He couldn't stop eating swedes.
  • Did you hear about the cannibals who captured a scrawny old hunter? It sure gave them something to chew over.
  • Did you hear about the chicken that wanted to take ballet lessons? He wanted to be a hentertainer.
  • Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher? He couldn't control his pupils!
  • Did you hear about the dancer's birthday? It was a tappy one!
  • Did you hear about the dentist who planted a garden? . . . A month later he was picking his teeth
  • Did you hear about the depressed horse? He told a tale of whoa!
  • Did you hear about the dimwit who was so dumb he thought Gatorade was welfare for crocodiles?
  • Did you hear about the do-it-yourself funeral? They just loosen the earth and you sink down by yourself.
  • Did you hear about the dumb father who got up and struck a match to see if he had blown out the candle?
  • Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He's the Easter Bungee!
  • Did you hear about the farmer who fed crayons to his chickens? He wanted them to lay coloured eggs!
  • Did you hear about the farmer who lost control of his tractor in the cow pasture? No! Did he hurt the cows? No, he just grazed them!
  • Did you hear about the farmer you ploughed his field with a steamroller? He wanted to grow mash potatoes!
  • Did you hear about the fire in the rednecks library? Both the books got burned, and one hadn't even been coloured in yet.
  • Did you hear about the first death from an overdose of Viagra? A man took twelve pills and his wife died.
  • Did you hear about the flag's birthday? It was a Happy one!
  • Did you hear about the fool who keeps going round saying no? No. Oh, so it's you!
  • Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding? They got jellygated!
  • Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
  • Did you hear about the ghost who enjoyed doing housework? He used to go round with the oooo-ver.
  • Did you hear about the ghost who learnt to fly? He was pleased to be back on terror-firma.
  • Did you hear about the ghost who went on safari? He was a big-game haunter!
  • Did you hear about the ghoul's favorite hotel? It had running rot and mould in every room.
  • Did you hear about the girl monster who wasn't pretty and wasn't ugly? She was pretty ugly
  • Did you hear about the granny who plugged her electric blanket into the toaster by mistake? She spent the night popping out of bed.
  • Did you hear about the guy from Newfoundland who was twenty-two years old before he knew which part of the olive to throw away?
  • Did you hear about the hillbilly who asked his friends to give him their burnt-out light bulbs. He wanted to start a dark room.
  • Did you hear about the horse that has made a dozen films? He's not a star though, he just does bit parts!
  • Did you hear about the horse with the negative altitude? He always said Neigh
  • Did you hear about the household appliance that eats ants and records TV shows? It's the VCRdvard
  • Did you hear about the idiot who invented the one-piece jigsaw puzzle?
  • Did you hear about the idiot who made his chickens drink boiling water? He thought they would lay hard boiled eggs.
  • Did you hear about the idiot who planted Cheerios in his backyard? He thought they were donut seeds.
  • Did you hear about the lady whose house was infested with Easter eggs? She had to call an eggs-terminator!
  • Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce ended up in a nasty custody fight about a dog? When the lawyer won, the dog bit him.
  • Did you hear about the little boy who was named after his father? They called him Dad!
  • Did you hear about the man in the electric chair who asked the executioner to reverse the charges?
  • Did you hear about the man who ate nothing but oats every day? He fell in love with the Grand National winner!
  • Did you hear about the man who jumped in the Hudson River? He committed sewercide.
  • Did you hear about the man who left his job at the mortuary? It was a dead end job.
  • Did you hear about the man who named his horse Radish?
  • Did you hear about the man who received a tip on a horse called Cigarette? He didn't have enough money tabaccer!
  • Did you hear about the man who was half Jewish & half Italian? He made himself an offer he couldn't understand.
  • Did you hear about the man with five keen senses? He still lacked common and horse!
  • Did you hear about the monster who had an extra pair of hands? Where did he keep them? In a handbag.
  • Did you hear about the monster who had an extra pair of hands? Where did he keep them? In a handbag. mons
  • Did you hear about the monster who had twelve arms and no legs? He was all fingers and thumbs.
  • Did you hear about the monster who lost all his hair in the war? He lost it in a hair raid.
  • Did you hear about the monster who sent his picture to a lonely hearts club? They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely!
  • Did you hear about the monster who went to a holiday camp? He won the ugly mug and knobbly knees competition and he wasn't even entered.
  • Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
  • Did you hear about the new 3 million dollar Arkansas State Lottery? .... The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.
  • Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.
  • Did you hear about the new shark food restaurant called Jaws? It costs an arm and a leg to eat there!
  • Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell? It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn't at work anymore!
  • Did you hear about the overweight man who took up horse riding as exercise? The horse lost 15 pounds in a week!
  • Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop? He called it Ham Hocks.
  • Did you hear about the pig who tried to start a hot-air balloon business? He couldn't get it off the ground. .
  • Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for mother's day? What did they do? They threw a sowprize party.
  • Did you hear about the pigs who took up motorcycling? They wanted to catch bugs with their teeth.
  • Did you hear about the pub owner who raised a baby rabbit? It was an inn-grown hare!
  • Did you hear about the rabbit who got a job in a watch factory? Alike did was stand around making faces.
  • Did you hear about the race horse that was so late coming in? They had to pay the jockey overtime!
  • Did you hear about the redneck who died and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
  • Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
  • Did you hear about the rookie Rhode Island cop who gave out twenty-two parking tickets before he found out he was at a drive-in movie?
  • Did you hear about the sick ghost? He had oooooo-ping cough.
  • Did you hear about the sister who wrote herself a letter and forgot to sign it and when it arrived she didn't know who it was from.
  • Did you hear about the skunk who sat on a fan? He got cut off without a scent!
  • Did you hear about the snobby cow? She thought she was a cutlet above the rest!
  • Did you hear about the stupid Kamikaze pilot? He flew 57 missions!
  • Did you hear about the stupid photographer? He saved burned out lightbulbs for use in his darkroom.
  • Did you hear about the stupid snake? He lost his skin.
  • Did you hear about the stupid turkey? It was looking forward to Christmas!
  • Did you hear about the stupid water-polo player? His horse drowned . . .
  • Did you hear about the stupid wizard? He couldn't remember if he used to be forgetful.
  • Did you hear about the stupid woodworm? He was found in a brick.
  • Did you hear about the time Eddy's sister tried to make a birthday cake? The candles melted in the oven.
  • Did you hear about the tree's birthday? It was a sappy one!
  • Did you hear about the two men who were cremated at the same time? It was a dead heat.
  • Did you hear about the two peanuts walking in the woods? One was a-salted.
  • Did you hear about the two podiatrists who opened their offices on the same street? They were arch enemies.
  • Did you hear about the undertaker who buried someone in the wrong place and was sacked for the grave mistake?
  • Did you hear about the underwater snooker player? He was a pool shark!
  • Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.
  • Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
  • Did you hear about the vampire in Camelot? He was a bite of the Round Table!
  • Did you hear about the vampire who died of a broken heart? He had loved in vein.
  • Did you hear about the vampire who got married? He proposed to his girl-fiend.
  • Did you hear about the vampire who had an eye for the ladies? He used to keep it in his back pocket.
  • Did you hear about the vampire who joined an orchestra? He stood on the roof and conducted lightning.
  • Did you hear about the village idiot buying bird seed? He said he wanted to grow some birds.
  • Did you hear about the whale who couldn't keep a secret? He was a blubber mouth!
  • Did you hear about the witch who did a four year course in ugliness? She finished it in two.
  • Did you hear about the witch who had the ugliest baby in the world? She didn't push the pram - she pulled it.
  • Did you hear about the witch who turned her friend into an egg? She kept trying to poach her ideas.
  • Did you hear about the witch who was ashamed of her long black hair? She always wore long gloves to cover it up.
  • Did you hear about the witch who went in for the lovely legs competition? She was beaten by the microphone stand.
  • Did you hear of the pig who began hiding garbage In November? She wanted to do her Christmas slopping early.
  • Did you hear someone has invented a coffin that just covers the head? It's for people like you who're dead from the neck up!
  • Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble? Its true. . . . Comet cleans sinks!
  • Did you hear that the Governors mansion in Arkansas burned down? .... Almost took out the whole trailer park.
  • Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32? They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
  • Did you hear the joke about the skunk? Never mind, it stinks!
  • Did you hear the joke about the two monsters who crashed? They fell off a cliff, boom, boom.
  • Did you hear the one about the Easter Bunny who sat on a bee? It's a tender tail!
  • Did you hear the one about the blonde that had a problem with her bed? She couldn't find a knife large enough to apply the bed spread.
  • Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that love handles referred to her ears?
  • Did you hear the one about the phoney Cupid? He was totally bow-gus!
  • Did you hear the story about the razorback hog? It's pretty dull.
  • Did you hear what happened when there was an epidemic of laryngitis at school? The school nurse sent everyone to the croakroom.
  • Did you hear why they closed the Seattle Kingdom? While the crowd was doing the wave, two blondes drowned.
  • Did you hear? Lament's gettin' a Ph. D. What does Ph. D. stand for? in his case, Pin-headed Dope.
  • Did you know pillows have their own website? Really? Well you could knock me down with a feather!
  • Did you know that Dracula wants to become a comedian? He's looking for a crypt writer.
  • Did you know that Kangaroos can't jump backwards? ...Australia's got some strange laws
  • Did you like www.flower.com? Not at first. . . . but it grew on me!
  • Did you say that you fell over fifty feet but didn't hurt yourself? Yes - I was trying to get to the back of the bus.
  • Did you take a shit today? Well, put it back!
  • Didn't I make you feel like you were the only man?
  • Die Yuppie Scum!
  • Different drummer? I'm my own band!
  • Difficulties increase the nearer we approach the goal.
  • Dignity does not consist in possessing honors, but in deserving them.
  • Dijon vu! - the same mustard as before.
  • Diligence is the mother of good luck.
  • Diner: Could I have a glass of water? Waiter: To drink? Diner: No, I want to rinse out a few things.
  • Diner: May I please have a glass of water? Waiter: Why, are you thirsty? Diner: No, I want to see if my neck leaks.
  • Diner: Waiter, please close the window. Waiter: Why, is there a draft? Diner: Yes, it's blown my steak off the plate three times.
  • Diner: Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup! Waiter: Don't worry, Sir, it's not that hot!
  • Diner: What's wrong with these eggs I ordered? Waiter: Don't ask me. I only laid the table.
  • Diner: Why are the waiters in here so nasty? Waiter: Look at who they have to serve.
  • Dip me in honey and throw me to the lesbians.
  • Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
  • Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!', till you can find a rock.
  • Discipline in the Home by Wilma Child-Begood
  • Discipline is remembering what you want.
  • Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishments.
  • Discipline is the soul of an army. It makes small numbers formidable, procures success to the weak, and esteem to all.
  • Disciplining yourself to do what you know is right and important, even though it is difficult.
  • Disco still sucks!
  • Discourage Inbreeding. Ban Country Music!
  • Disorganization is a kind of anesthesia
  • Diversity is the spice of life.
  • Do Apes kiss? Yes, but never on the first date!
  • Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
  • Do Not Disturb... Occupant is disturbed enough already
  • Do Not Meddle in the Affairs of Dragons, for You are Crunchy and Good with Ketchup.
  • Do Not Meddle in the affairs of Witches ...
  • Do buses and trains run on time? Usually, yes. No, they don't. Buses run on wheels and trains run on the tracks.
  • Do communion wafers taste better in Corpus Christi, Texas, or in Sacramento, California?
  • Do fish get thirsty?
  • Do giraffes get sore throats?
  • Do hamburgers make good vampires? No, because they always find themselves in ghoulash situations!
  • Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
  • Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
  • Do it only with the best.
  • Do it to me one more time ...
  • Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
  • Do not adjust your mind: it is reality that is malfunctioning!
  • Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a new trail.
  • Do not let the future be held hostage by the past.
  • Do not let what you can't do interfere with what you can do.
  • Do not start with me. You will not win.
  • Do not wash. Vehicle is undergoing a scientific dirt test.
  • Do paranoid schizophrenic agnostic dyslexic insomniacs lie awake at night wondering if they might be the dog that's out to get them?
  • Do penguins have knees?
  • Do pigs like Backgammon? No, they prefer their backs scratched.
  • Do right. Do your best. Treat others as you want to be treated.
  • Do robots have sisters? No, just transistors!
  • Do steam rollers really roll steam?
  • Do the AM radio stations actually change to PM stations after twelve noon?
  • Do they ever shut up on your planet?
  • Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
  • Do they really serve burgers in Transylvania? Very rare-ly.
  • Do to the other fellow as he would do unto you. But for God's sake do it first!
  • Do vampires get AIDS?
  • Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  • Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
  • Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by you again?
  • Do you enjoy websurfing? No way! my mum warned me to stay away from the net!
  • Do you feel like a glass of carrot juice? Why? Do I look like one?
  • Do you know a favourite expression used by the Gorillas? Apesy daisy!
  • Do you know how to catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut!
  • Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? No? Good!
  • Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? Take your foot off his head.
  • Do you know the 20th President of the United States? No, we were never introduced!
  • Do you know the difference between genius and stupid? Genius has its limits.
  • Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
  • Do you know the time? No, we haven't met yet!
  • Do you know what a mice said when it saw a bat? Mom! I see an angel.
  • Do you know why Eskimos always do their laundry in tide? Because it's too cold out-tide!
  • Do you know why the baby Jesus wasn't born in Iowa? They couldn't find three wise men! ! !
  • Do you like my new baby sister? The stalk bought her. Hmm, it looks as if the stalk dropped her on her head.
  • Do you like surfing the net? Oh yes, I've really taken a shine to it. (Moon to Sun)
  • Do you like web jokes? Yes - they're e-larious!
  • Do you love me because I am beautiful or I am I beautiful because you love me?
  • Do you love me more than you love sleep? I can't answer now. It's time for my nap!
  • Do you love me? Of courseThen whisper something soft and sweet in my earLemon meringue pie!
  • Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mine?
  • Do you send e-mails on your home computer? What's the point? I can just bring my home along with me and have a chat.
  • Do you think my skin is starting to show its age? I can't tell. There are too many wrinkles.
  • Do you think you could drive any better with that car phone stuck up your BUTT?
  • Do you think you'd drive any better with that phone up your ass?
  • Do you think, Professor, that my wife should take up the piano as a career? No, I think she should put down the lid as a favor.
  • Do you trust a government that doesn't trust you with guns?
  • Do you want some help using the Internet, son? No thanks, Dad, I can muck it up all by myself.
  • Do, or do not. There is no try.
  • Doctor Can I have second opinion? Of course, come back tomorrow!
  • Doctor I dream there are monsters under my bed, what can I do? Saw the legs off of your bed!
  • Doctor I feel like a dog! Sit!
  • Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains. Well pull yourself together then
  • Doctor I feel like a racehorse. Take one of these every 4 laps!
  • Doctor I feel like a sheep. That's baaaaaaaaaad!
  • Doctor I feel like a spoon! Well sit still and don't stir!
  • Doctor I feel like an apple. We must get to the core of this!
  • Doctor I feel like biscuits! What, you mean those square ones? Yes! The ones you put butter on? Yes! Oh, You're Crackers!
  • Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?
  • Doctor I keep painting myself gold. Don't worry it's just a gilt complex!
  • Doctor I keep seeing an insect spinning around. Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going around!
  • Doctor I keep seeing double. Please sit on the couch. Which one!
  • Doctor I keep thinking I'm God. When did this start? Well first I created the sun, then the earth
  • Doctor I keep thinking I'm a bee. Buzz off can't you see I'm busy?
  • Doctor I keep thinking I'm a caterpillar Don't worry you'll soon change!
  • Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog. Sit on the couch and we will talk about it. But I'm not allowed up on the couch!
  • Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog. What's wrong with that? I think I'm going to croak
  • Doctor I keep thinking I'm a mosquito. Go away, sucker!
  • Doctor I keep thinking I'm a nit. Will you get out of my hair!
  • Doctor I keep thinking I'm a spider. What a web of lies!
  • Doctor I keep thinking I'm a vampire. Necks please!
  • Doctor I keep thinking I'm a woodworm. How boring for you!
  • Doctor I keep thinking I'm invisible. Who said that?
  • Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me. One at a time please
  • Doctor I need something to keep my falling hair in. What about a matchbox!
  • Doctor I snore so loud I keep myself awake. Sleep in another room then!
  • Doctor I swallowed a bone. Are you choking? No, I really did!
  • Doctor I tend to flush a lot. Don't worry it's just a chain reaction!
  • Doctor I think I need glasses. You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!
  • Doctor I think I'm a bell? Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!
  • Doctor I think I'm a bridge. What's come over you? Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.
  • Doctor I think I'm a butterfly. Will you say what you mean and stop flitting about!
  • Doctor I think I'm a dog. How long have you felt like this? Ever since I was a puppy!
  • Doctor I think I'm a moth. Get out of the way, your in my light!
  • Doctor I think I'm a moth. So why did you come around then? Well, I saw this light at the window. . . !
  • Doctor I think I'm a python. You can't get round me just like that you know!
  • Doctor I think I'm a rubber band. Why don't you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell me all about it!
  • Doctor I think I'm a snail. Don't worry we'll soon have you out of your shell!
  • Doctor I think I'm a yo-yo. Are you stringing me along!
  • Doctor I think I'm an adder. Great, can you help me with my accounts then please!
  • Doctor I think I'm an electric eel. That's shocking!
  • Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu! . Didn't I see you yesterday?
  • Doctor I think I'm turning into a frog. Your just playing too much croquet!
  • Doctor I'm a burglar! Have you taken anything for it?
  • Doctor I'm becoming invisible. Yes I can see you're not all there!
  • Doctor I'm boiling up! Just simmer down!
  • Doctor I'm having trouble with my breathing. I'll give you something that will soon put a stop to that!
  • Doctor I'm on a diet and it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off. Oh dear, that's a lot of calories!
  • Doctor I'm scared of Father Christmas. Doctor: You're suffering from Claus-trophobia.
  • Doctor I'm so ugly what can I do about it? Hire yourself out for Halloween parties!
  • Doctor I've a split personality Well, you'd better both sit down then!
  • Doctor I've broke my arm in two places Well don't go back there again then!
  • Doctor I've got bad teeth, foul breath and smelly feet. Sounds like you've got Foot and Mouth disease!
  • Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something? Yes - here's a kite!
  • Doctor I've just swallowed a penWell sit down and write your name!
  • Doctor I've lost my memory! When did this happen? When did what happen?
  • Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film! Hmmmm. Let's hope nothing develops.
  • Doctor Sawbones speaking. Oh, doctor, my girlfriend's just dislocated her jaw. Can you come over in, say, three or four weeks' time?
  • Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shakingDo you drink a lot? Not really - I spill most of it!
  • Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage. Don't talk rubbish!
  • Doctor everyone thinks I'm a liarI can't believe that!
  • Doctor how can I cure my sleep walking? Sprinkle tin-tacks on your bedroom floor!
  • Doctor my baby is the image of his father. Never mind just so long as he's healthy!
  • Doctor my baby's swallowed a bullet Well don't point him at anyone until I get there!
  • Doctor my hair keeps falling out, can you give me anything to keep it in? Yes, here is a paper bag!
  • Doctor my husband smells like fish. Poor sole!
  • Doctor my sister here keeps thinking she's invisible! What sister?
  • Doctor my sister thinks she is a lift! Well tell her to come inI can't she doesn't stop at this floor!
  • Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do? Use a pencil till I get there
  • Doctor these pills you gave me for BO. . . What's wrong with them? They keep slipping out from under my arms!
  • Doctor what did the x-ray of my head show? Absolutely nothing!
  • Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots? I never make rash promises!
  • Doctor you have to help me out! Certainly, which way did you come in?
  • Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said. When did you first notice this problem? What problem?
  • Doctor! my sister thinks she's an elevator. Tell her to come in. I can't. She doesn't stop at this floor.
  • Doctor's try, Jesus saves!
  • Doctor, I can't get to sleep. Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.
  • Doctor, I feel dead from the waist down. I'll arrange for you to be halfburied.
  • Doctor, I feel like I'm part of the Internet! Well, you do look a site
  • Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards. I'll deal with you later.
  • Doctor, I feel like a small bucket. You do look a little pail.
  • Doctor, I feel so short! No problem. Hop up on the couch.
  • Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake. Next time, take off the candles.
  • Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer!
  • Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a Christmas bell! Just take these pills - and, if they don't work, give me a ring!
  • Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a python. Oh you can't get round me like that, you know.
  • Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a slice of bread. Doctor: You've got to stop loafing around.
  • Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a snowman. Doctor: Keep cool!
  • Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon. Sit there and don't stir.
  • Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a telephone. Doctor: Why's that? I keep getting calls in the night.
  • Doctor, I keep trying to get into fights. And how long have you had this complaint? Who wants to know?
  • Doctor, I think I'm a bridge. What's come over you? Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.
  • Doctor, I'm at death's door! Don't worry, Mrs Jenkins. An operation will soon pull you through.
  • Doctor, I'm manic-depressive. Calm down. Cheer up. Clam down. Cheer up. Calm
  • Doctor, I'm so ugly. What can I do about it? Hire yourself out for Halloween parties.
  • Doctor, I've got a little sty. Then you'd better buy a little pig.
  • Doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live. Wait a minute please.
  • Doctor, No one believes a word I say. Tell me the truth now, what's your REAL problem?
  • Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me. Next please!
  • Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running? ! Stick your foot out and trip it up!
  • Doctor, my baby's swallowed a watch! Give it some Epsom Salts: that should help it pass the time.
  • Doctor, nobody understands me. What do you mean by that?
  • Doctor, people keep telling me I'm ugly! Lay on the couch, face down.
  • Doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow. Don't let people push you around.
  • Doctor, should I surf the Internet on an empty stomach? No, you should do it on a computer.
  • Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam. You're too tents.
  • Doctor, with all the excitement of Christmas I can't sleep. Try lying on the edge of your bed. . . you'll soon drop off!
  • Doctor: 'Your recovery was a miracle! ' Patient: 'PRAISE GOD. Now I don't have to pay you! '
  • Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature? Nurse: No. Is it missing?
  • Doctor: Good news you passed your hearing test! Patient: HUH
  • Doctor: Have you ever had this before? Patient: Yes. Doctor: Well, you've got it again!
  • Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night? Nurse: No change yet.
  • Doctor: The best time to take a bath is before retiring. Patient: You mean I don't need another bath until I'm sixty-five?
  • Does a dolphin ever do something by accident? No, they do everything on porpoise!
  • Does killing time damage eternity?
  • Does running out of a burning barn make a cow unusual? No, only medium rare!
  • Does the Easter Bunny like baseball? Oh, yes. He's a rabbit fan!
  • Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell?
  • Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  • Does the universe lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?
  • Does this bus stop at the river? If it doesn't there'll be a very big splash.
  • Does your brother keep himself clean? Oh, yes. He takes a bath every month whether he needs one or not.
  • Does your dog know how how to surf the internet? No - but he's got a ruff idea.
  • Does your mum like shopping on the Internet? No, the trolley keeps rolling off the top of the computer.
  • Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
  • Dogs are like children that you don't have to send to college
  • Dogs come when called. *I* need more DIRECT stimulation!
  • Dogs think men are gods. Cats are not so easily deluded.
  • Dogs think they're human. Cats think they're gods.
  • Doing my Part to P*** off the Religious Right
  • Dole for Pineapple.
  • Dolphins: Don't trust a species that's always smiling, its up to something!
  • Don't Be Sexist. Broads Hate That!
  • Don't Blame ME, I Voted For McGovern.
  • Don't Californicate Oregon!
  • Don't Like Religion? Don't have One!
  • Don't Panic. Count to ten... then Panic!
  • Don't Re-Elect a Son of A Bush!
  • Don't Start With Me. You Know How I Get.
  • Don't Vote? Don't Bitch!
  • Don't argue with your wife. Dicker.
  • Don't ask me about Scientology.
  • Don't assume I share your prejudices
  • Don't be afraid of opposition. Remember, a kite rises against not with, the wind.
  • Don't be reluctant to give of yourself generously, it's the mark of caring and compassion and personal greatness.
  • Don't be stupid. We have politicians for that!
  • Don't believe everything you think
  • Don't believe in reincarnation? Better luck next time!
  • Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus.
  • Don't blame me. I voted.
  • Don't blame me... I'm just visiting this planet!
  • Don't bother honking or flashing your lights, I'm deaf and blind.
  • Don't call us "gun nuts"! With a government like ours, we'd be nuts not to have guns!
  • Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
  • Don't cross your fingers, fold your hands.
  • Don't drink and drive... You might hit a bump and drop your beer!
  • Don't drink and drive... You might hit a bump and spill your drink!
  • Don't drink water, fish breed in it.
  • Don't drop out...of church.
  • Don't eat the cookies so fast they'll keep. I know, but I want to eat as many as I can before I lose my appetite!
  • Don't fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things.
  • Don't feel sad...don't feel blue...Frankenstein was ugly too...
  • Don't follow me I'm following my bliss.
  • Don't follow me, I'm lost!
  • Don't follow me. I'm lost too.
  • Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.
  • Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
  • Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
  • Don't hate yourself in the morning... Sleep till noon!
  • Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.
  • Don't honk! I'm peddling as fast as I can.
  • Don't honk! I'm pushing as hard as I can.
  • Don't laugh at these fogged up windows. It's your daughter in here.
  • Don't laugh! I just bought this car for my wife. Best deal I ever made!
  • Don't laugh! It's paid for!
  • Don't laugh! Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
  • Don't laugh! Your daughter may be inside!
  • Don't laugh, she swallows.
  • Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
  • Don't let school interfere with your education.
  • Don't let the world press you into its mold.
  • Don't let your mind wonder. It's too little to be left alone.
  • Don't like my driving... Dial 1-800-EAT-SHIT.
  • Don't like my driving? Then QUIT watching me.
  • Don't look back, they might be gaining on you!
  • Don't look out of the window, Betty, people will think it's Halloween.
  • Don't make me get out my flying monkeys!
  • Don't miss today, worrying about tomorrow!
  • Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
  • Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!
  • Don't pray in my school and I won't think in your church.
  • Don't presume I'm Christian.
  • Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles
  • Don't spank me with your Bible belt.
  • Don't steal. The government hates competition!
  • Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
  • Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
  • Don't think God has a sense of humor? Look at the platypus.
  • Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
  • Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
  • Don't upset me. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies
  • Don't vote for a jack-ass, vote republican.
  • Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
  • Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church.
  • Don't wash this vehicle - Undergoing scientific dirt test.
  • Don't wear Jesus on your sleeve - Wear Him in your heart.
  • Don't you just hate the blatant materialism surrounding Christmas? And aren't you just dying to know what you got?
  • Dont assume I Share Your Prejudices
  • Dont drive faster than your guardian angel can fly
  • Dont laugh. Your daughter could be in here.
  • Dont piss me off- I am running out of places to hide the bodies
  • Dont' Wake the Baby by Elsie Cries
  • Dorothy, hate Oz, taking the shoes, find your own way home- Toto
  • Downsizing is good, right? Then let's fire Uncle Sam!
  • Dr. Kevorkian for White House physician.
  • Drama often obscures the real issues
  • Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall at last unveil.
  • Dream no small dreams for they have no power to move the hearts of men.
  • Drive carefully! Remember, it's not only a car that can be recalled by it's maker.
  • Drive carefully, we need every taxpayer we can get.
  • Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
  • Drive it like you stole it!
  • Driver caries only $20 in Ammunition!
  • Driver carries no cash. He's married.
  • Droopy Drawers by Lucy Lastic
  • Drugs cause amnesia...and other things I can't remember.
  • Druids do it in Stone Circles
  • Drunk,redkneck and dangerous.
  • Dumbass!
  • Duty makes us do things well, but love makes us do them beautifully.
  • Dying and coming back gives you considerable perspective
  • Dyselxics have more fnu
  • Dysfunctional family on board.
  • Dyslexics Untie!
  • Dyslexics of America-Untie!
  • Dyslexics of the world, untie!
  • ELF NO. 1: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve? ELF NO. 2: Okay everyone, sack time! !
  • ELF: Santa, one of the reindeer swallowed my pencil! What should I do? SANTA: Use a pen.
  • ETERNITY, it's HELL without Jesus!
  • Eagles come in all shapes and sizes, but you will recognize them chiefly by their attitudes.
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  • Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
  • Earth Air Fire & Water Bind us to her
  • Earth First. (We'll screw up the other planets later).
  • Earth first! (We'll rob the other planets later).
  • Earth first! (We'll strip mine the other planets later).
  • Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
  • Easier said than sung in Russian.
  • Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
  • Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.
  • Eat a beaver. Save a tree.
  • Eat a bible and pass the word
  • Eat beans, not beings
  • Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day
  • Efforts and courage are not enough without purpose and direction.
  • Electrician's Hymn -- "Send the Light"
  • Elf: My favourite film is about the man who casts spells in the middle of a swamp. Father Christmas: That's called 'The Wizard of Ooze'!
  • Emotional responses ar as valuable as intellectual responses
  • Empty pockets never held anyone back. Only empty heads and empty hearts can do that.
  • Empty the prisons - Make room for congress.
  • End of the Week by Gladys Friday
  • Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
  • English Folk Customs by Morris Dancer
  • Enlightenment is like a really good cheesecake but different.
  • Enthusiasm is the highest paid quality on earth.
  • Entrepreneurs are the forgotten heroes of America.
  • Equal Rights Are Not Special Rights.
  • Equal Rights for Our Unborn Sisters and Daughters!
  • Equal rights for unborn women
  • Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.
  • Eternity: Smoking or Non-smoking?
  • Evangelists = Evils Agents.
  • Eve Was Framed.
  • Even Darwin believes now.
  • Even Jesus lived with his mother until he was 30.
  • Even as water carves monuments of stone, so do our thoughts shape our character.
  • Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
  • Even if you manage to convince me that I am gay, I am NOT going to sleep with you.
  • Even the woodpecker owes his success to the fact that he uses his head and keeps pecking away until he finishes the job he starts.
  • Even though this is a stupid bumper sticker, you're squinting to read it.
  • Even your family can betray you
  • Ever hear the expression hard drinker? Never made much senseto me, drinking's one of the easiest things in the world to do.
  • Ever seen an UZI fired from a car window?
  • Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  • Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
  • Ever wonder why god-centered religions make a woman responsible for messing up the world?
  • Every achievement requires a sacrifice
  • Every day's a holiday when you're pagan!
  • Every great man is always being helped by everybody, for his gift is to get good out of all things and all persons.
  • Every great man is unique.
  • Every mind was made for growth, for knowledge, and its nature is sinned against when it is doomed to ignorance.
  • Every minute you spend in planning saves 10 minutes in execution; this gives you a 1,000 percent return on energy!
  • Every path has some puddles.
  • Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.
  • Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
  • Every worthwhile accomplishment, big or little, has its stages of drudgery and triumph; a beginning, a struggle and a victory.
  • Everybody needs something to believe. I believe I'll have another cup of coffee!
  • Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die
  • Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
  • Everyone has a fair turn to be as great as he pleases.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film!
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
  • Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
  • Everyone makes mistakes, that why pencil have erasers
  • Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.
  • Everyone's got to believe in something, I believe I'll have another drink
  • Everyone's work is equally important
  • Everything I know, I learned by killing smart people and eating their brains.
  • Everything I really needed to know, I learned in sniper school
  • Everything depends.
  • Evil on board.
  • Evolution created anchovies - Man's ignorance put them on pizza!
  • Evolution is both fact and theory. Creationism is neither.
  • Evolutionists Do It With Increasing Complexity
  • Evolve D**M it!
  • Ex-wife for sale. Just take over payments.
  • Exasperated dragon on the field of battle:Mother said there would be knights like this.
  • Excellence is not a destination; it is a continuous journey that never ends.
  • Excuse For Not Having Math Homework: I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.
  • Excuse For Not Having Math Homework: I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn't find it.
  • Excuse For Not Having Math Homework: I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't actually reach it.
  • Excuse For Not Having Math Homework: I couldn't figure out whether i am the square of negative one or i is the square root of negative one.
  • Excuse For Not Having Math Homework: I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.
  • Excuse For Not Having Math Homework: I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin.
  • Excuse For Not Having Math Homework: I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.
  • Excuse For Not Having Math Homework: I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged.
  • Excuse For Not Having Math Homework: Isaac Newton's birthday.
  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  • Experience shows that success is due less to ability than to zeal. The winner is he who gives himself to his work, body and soul.
  • Experience, the name given by men to their mistakes.
  • Express Lane: Five beers or less.
  • Exxon Suxx.
  • F**K the Poor!
  • FARMER: Who raided my vegetable patch? PIGLET: Beets me!
  • FIRST MONSTER: Am I late for dinner? SECOND MONSTER: Yes, everyone's been eaten.
  • FIRST MONSTER: I fancy eating the city of Hong Kong tonight. Care to join me? SECOND MONSTER: No thanks, I can't stand Chinese food.
  • FIRST PIGLET: How do you know your boyfriend loves you? SECOND PIGLET: He signs his letters with lots of hogs and kisses.
  • FRED: Your monster was making a terrible noise last night. BERT: Yes - ever since he ate Madonna, he thinks he can sing.
  • FREE TIBET! (with the purchase of a 44 oz. drink).
  • Face it, girl, Prince Charming isn't coming. He's living with Mr. Right.
  • Facebook... too cluttered?
  • Fade Away by Peter Out
  • Failure is an event, not a person. Yesterday ended last night.
  • Failure is not a single, cataclysmic event. You don't fail overnight. Instead, failure is a few errors in judgment, repeated every day.
  • Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.
  • Failure is success if we learn from it.
  • Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.
  • Failure is the foundation of success, and the means by which it is achieved.
  • Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.
  • Failure is the path of least resistance.
  • Faith Is Believing What You Know Ain't So. - Mark Twain
  • Faith is a powerful thing. It often shuts off the rational mind
  • Faith isn't faith, until its all your holding on to
  • Fake or real indifference is a powerful personal weapon
  • Fake tan looks perfectly normal if your mum screwed a whatsit!
  • Falling from a Window by Eileen Dowt
  • Fan: I've always admired you. Are your teeth your own? Actor: Whose do you think they are?
  • Farmer: What would you do if a bull charged you? Mary: I'd pay whatever it charged.
  • Fast during Ramadan; not while you're driving.
  • Fat people are harder to kidnap.
  • Father Christmas lost his umbrella but he didn't get wet! Why not? Because it wasn't raining!
  • Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition. Now thats what you call pot luck!
  • Father Christmas:I like the story about the girl who steals from the rich and gives it all to Granny. Elf: That's Little Red Robin Hood'!
  • Father God created Mother Earth!
  • Father: Don't you feel better now that you've gone to the dentist? Son: Sure do. He wasn't in.
  • Father: Don't you think our son gets his brains from me? Mother: Probably, dear. I still have all of mine.
  • Father: I hear you skipped school to play footballSon: No I didn't, and I have the fish to prove it!
  • Father: Well Son, how are your exam results? Son: They're under waterFather: What do you mean? Son: Below C level!
  • Father: What did the teacher think of your idea? Son: She took it like a lambTeacher: Really? , what did she say? Son: Baa!
  • Father: Why did you put a toad in your sister's bed? Son: I couldn't find a spider.
  • Father: You were absent on the day of the test? Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!
  • Father: You've got 4 D's and a C on your report. Son: Maybe I concentrated too much on the one subject!
  • Fear is the greatest incapacitator
  • Feed the Homeless to the Hungry!
  • Feminism Is The Radical Idea That Women Are People.
  • Feminism is the radical notion that women are people
  • Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
  • Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
  • Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
  • Fight crime, shoot back!
  • Fight organized crime. Abolish the IRS.
  • Fighting for Peace is like f*cking for virginity
  • Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
  • Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15.
  • Finding good players is easy. Getting them to play as a team is another story.
  • Finish your beer. There are sober people in China.
  • Firefighters are always in heat.
  • Firefighting is like sex; size, equipment, and technique are all important.
  • First Boy: Why is your brother always flying off the handle? Second Boy: Because he's got a screw loose!
  • First Cannibal: Have you seen the dentist? Second Cannibal: Yes, he filled my teeth at dinner time.
  • First Cannibal: Who was that girl I saw you with last night? Second Cannibal: That was no girl, that was my supper.
  • First Caribou: What do you call a bee that can't make up his mind? Second Caribou: A maybee.
  • First Caribou: What kind of math do owls like? Second Caribou: Owlgebra.
  • First Caribou: What well-known cartoon character do moths like a hole lot? Second Caribou: Micky Moth!
  • First Caribou: Which bug does amazing motor cycle stunts? Second Caribou: Evel Boll Weevil.
  • First Caribou: Which bug gobbles up trash? Second Caribou: The litterbug.
  • First Hilary, then Jennifer - now us.
  • First Kangaroo: How do you tell the difference between an elephant and a rhinoceros? Second Kangaroo: The elephant has a better memory.
  • First Monster: I'm so thirsty my tongue's hanging out. Second Monster: Oh. I thought that was your necktie!
  • First Spaceman: I'm hungry. Second Spaceman: So am I, it must be launch time!
  • First Witch: I like your toad. He always has such a nice expression on his face. Second Witch: It's because he's a hoptimist.
  • First apple: You look down in the dumps. What's eating you? Second apple: Worms, I think.
  • First boy: My dad saw a horrible witch and didn't turn a hair! Second boy: I'm not surprised - your dad's bald!
  • First cannibal: Come and have dinner in our but tonight. Second cannibal: What are you having? First cannibal: Hard-boiled legs.
  • First cannibal: I don't know what to make of my husband these days. Second cannibal: How about a curry?
  • First cannibal: My wife's a tough old bird. Second cannibal: You should have left her in the oven for another half an hour.
  • First cannibal: We had burglars last night. Second cannibal: Did they taste good?
  • First cannibal: Who was that girl I saw you with last night? Second cannibal: That was no girl, that was my supper!
  • First ghoul: You don't look too well today. Second ghoul: No, I'm dead on my feet.
  • First girl: I spend hours in front of the mirror admiring my beauty. Do you think that's vanity? Second girl: No, it's imagination.
  • First monster: I have a hunch. Second monster: I thought you were a funny shape.
  • First person: Do you know how to save five lawyers who are drowning? Second person: No. First person: Good!
  • First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do.
  • First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden. Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing'
  • First they burn books, and then they burn people
  • First we form habits, then they form us. Conquer your bad habits or they will conquer you.
  • First witch: Here's a banana if you can spell it. Second witch: I can spell banana. I just don't know when to stop.
  • First witch: My beauty is timeless. Second witch: Yes, it could stop a clock.
  • First witch: My, hasn't your little girl grown? Second witch: Yes, she's certainly gruesome.
  • Fish still swim and Jesus still lives
  • Fisherman: What are you fishing for sonny? Boy: I'm not fishing, I'm drowning worms.
  • Fishing is not a matter of life or death; it's more important than that.
  • Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
  • Five dollars for one question! said the girl to the fortune-teller. That's very expensive, isn't it? 'Next! '
  • Flashlight: n. A container for dead batteries.
  • Flashlight: n. A torch that only works when you don't need it.
  • Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.
  • Flight 1234, are you ready to copy holding instructions? Center, make that request on the next frequency. . . .
  • Flo: Try some of my sponge cake. Joe: It's a bit tough. Flo: That's strange. I only bought the sponge from the chemist this morning.
  • Flush Rush!
  • Flying saucers are real. The Air Force doesn't exist.
  • Focus on your own D**M Family!
  • Focus on your own damn family!
  • Follow your dreams, not me.
  • Food on the Table by E. Tittup
  • For God so loved the world He didn't send a committee.
  • For a hundred that can bear adversity there is hardly one that can bear prosperity.
  • For a man to achieve all that is demanded of him he must regard himself as greater than he is.
  • For a righteous man falls seven times, and rises again.
  • For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  • For his birthday the monster asked for a heavy sweater. So they gave him a sumo wrestler!
  • For knowledge, too, is itself power.
  • For some reason Jesus doesn't like M&M's.
  • For there is nothing either good or bad, thinking makes it so.
  • For what person do all men take off their hats? The barber.
  • Forbidden fruits create many jams.
  • Forget About World Peace. Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
  • Forget Love - I want to fall in Chocolate
  • Forget the Flag. Burn a Politician.
  • Forget the Jonesses, I keep up with the Simpsons.
  • Forget world peace, visualize using your &+%?*$! Turn signals!
  • Forgive them Mother for they know not what they do.
  • Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
  • Formal education will make you a living. Self-education will make you a fortune.
  • Frankenstein: Help, I've got a short circuit! Igor: Don't worry, I'll lengthen it.
  • Fred wrote in her homework book: Margarine is butter made from imitation cows.
  • Fred! What did I say I'd do if I found you with your fingers in the butter again? That's funny, Mom. I can't remember either.
  • Fred's new girlfriend uses such greasy lipstick that he has to sprinkle his face with sand to get a better grip.
  • Fred: Betty has lovely long red hair all down her back. Harry: Pity it's not on her head!
  • Fred: Did you hear about the Irish window cleaner who put a sign at the top of his ladder? Harry: What did the sign say? Fred: Stop.
  • Fred: Do you like my new hairstyle? Harry: In as much as it covers most of your face, yes.
  • Fred: Do you think I'm a fool? Harry: No. But what's my opinion against thousands of others?
  • Fred: I'd love to be an actress. Harry: Break a leg then! Amy: Whatever for? Fred: Then you'd be in a cast for weeks.
  • Fred: I'm sure I'm right. Betty: You're as right as rain - all wet!
  • Fred: I've added these figures ten times. Teacher: Good work! Fred: And here are my ten answers!
  • Fred: My mum's having a new baby. Drew: What's wrong with the old one?

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